JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

"Doctor, Doctor"

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, Doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"

"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.

"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.

"That's not so much", says the doctor.

"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.

"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.

"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.

"Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."

"I do", says the man. "Twice a day."

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis.

The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for.

He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."


The wife of an athlete named Chuck
Found her married life shit out of luck.
Her husband played hockey
Without wearing a jockey
Now he hasn't got what it takes to fuck!

 

[melody]

A Teen With A Hard-on

A man notices his thirteen-year-old son has been walking around for a week with a hard-on in his pants, and figures the boy needs some relief. He gives the kid twenty dollars and says: "Take this to the whorehouse at the other end of town, and have some fun."
Well, the whorehouse is a good hour walk each way, but the boy returns in only 45 minutes. The father says: "where were you?"
"Well," says the boy, "when I walked by Grandma's house she asked where I was going and I told her. She said, 'why don't you just come in here instead, and I'll do you for free.' So that's what I did."
The father, outraged, screams: "Are you telling me you fucked my MOTHER?"
"What's the big deal," says the boy, "you fuck mine!"

=====

A woman is on the witness stand testifying:
"I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me, dragged me into an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my panties, and bent me over a garbage can... I...I don't even remember what happened next..."
The judge says (jerking off motion), "Make something up! Make something up!"

_________________________________________________________________

 

[melody]

Bill And Mark

Bill and Mark are out walking in the country one fine
summer evening.

Bill said, "Hey, Mark! You see that grove of trees over there?
Well, that's where I had sex for the first time. We made love
while her mother stood to one side and watched us!"

Mark, being a bit shy, was a little shocked to hear this.
"Are you serious? Did her mother say anything?" he asked.

Bill answered, "Yeah, she said, 'Baaaaaaaaaah!'"
====
A West Virginia teeny bopper comes home from school and
asks, "Ma, is it true that babies come out of the place
boys put their wieners in?"
Ma replies,"Yep, sho' do."
Daughter says,"Ma, is that why you are missin
yo' front teeth?"
=====
A girl goes to her doctor and as he's examining her, he says "those are terrible rug burns on your knees."
"Yeah, doc," she says, "it's from doing it doggy style."
"Don't you know any other sexual positions?"
"Sure, but my doggy don't."

 

[melody]

Things Not To Say To A Naked Woman...

*Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.
*How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!
*You must be very experienced.
*Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?
*Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.
*I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.
*Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt.
*Would you mind rolling around in this flour.
*I heard carpenters dream about you.
*So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
*Look....I can get my whole arm in.
*It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
*Is that an optical illusion?
*If I look right at it I feel like I'm falling in.
*Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
*Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?
*Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish?
*I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
*Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
*I've been wondering all night what that smell was.
*Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body.
*You know they have surgery to fix that.
*Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
*Oh, that's why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away.
*Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.
*I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.
*You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.
*You're not 'that' fat.
*I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out.
*Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.

 

[melody]

Hillbilly Kid

This hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box of condoms.

The druggist says, "How old are you, son?"

The kid replies, "Eleven."

"I can't sell you any condoms," the druggist says."You're too young."

The kid says, "Gimme some rubbers or I'll call a cop."

"All right, cool it," the druggists says to the kid. "What kind of condoms do you want?"

The kid tells him, "Gimme the French ticklers."

The druggist says, "Listen, kid. Do you know what one of those things will do to a woman?"

"No," the kid replies, "but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!"


This man went into a night-club and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by her self at the bar, he asked her to dance.

She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.

While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "Your really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"

The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5.

Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replie
________________________________________

The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame--
A discharge is a wonderful thing.

 

[melody]

Australian Olympic Team


This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village.

Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement.

After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion.

The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light.

His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her.

She's really pleased to have met this guy.

At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed.

He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp.

Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla.

Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance.

The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter.

Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion!

After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid.

Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN.

The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect!

More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself.

"Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!"

She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid.

She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola.

Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed - only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team.

=====

The sea captain's tender young bride
Fell into the bay at low tide,
You could tell by her squeals,
That some of the eels,
Had discovered a dark place to hide.

 

[melody]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD WHEN:

1. Your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you have to reply,
"Well, I can't do both."
2. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, but you're barefoot.
3. You see a Serious Babe, and all that happens is, your pacemaker opens your garage door.
4. You don't care WHERE your wife goes, as long as you don't have to go along.
5. You are getting warnings to slow down from your doctor, instead of from the police.
6. "Getting a little action" means you have enough fiber in your diet.
7. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the mall parking lot.
8. An "all-nighter" means you don't have to get up out of bed to piss once.
========
Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint
she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table.
She did so.... The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her
"private parts."
After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"
"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."
========
Kathy and Suzy are having a conversation during there lunch break.
Kathy asks, "So, Suzy, how's your sex life these days?"
Suzy replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."
"Social Security?" Kathy asked quizzically.
"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

 

[melody]

Get A Glimpse Into Life Far Into The Future, In The Year 2056...

*Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in
The seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,
Formally known as California.

*Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual
Marriage.

*Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known
As Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

*Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will
Take at least 10 more years before radioactivity
Decreases to safe levels.

*George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2058.

*Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to
$17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

*85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are
The keys to weight loss.

*Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

*Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a
Fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman
With her mouth shut.

*Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

*Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates
Their civil rights.

*Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven
Inches.

*New federal law requires that all nail clippers,
Screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers
Must be registered by January 2057.

*Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal
Political contributions to campaign accounts.

*IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

*Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United
States crops and livestock.

*Baby conceived naturally . . . Scientists stumped!

*Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine

 

[melody]

Biscuit Dough

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits
in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy after all
these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up
her dress, squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch. "Practice
this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be
satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her
anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy
negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the
dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough.

Expecting to only pick up the biscuit she had a very unexpected episode of
gas, which made a thunderous growling sound.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit, woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing
barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat
at it!"

=====

The husband wanted to have sex with his wife, but he hated the "chore" of
eating her out. He knew he had to if he was to get any nookie. He starts
to perform on her, and just as he darts his tongue inside her, she lets
out a big fart. He stops what he is doing, looks up at her and says,
"Ahhh, sweetheart, thanks for the breath of fresh air!"

 

[melody]

Thomas And Tamara

Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas's mother could meet Tamara for the first time. Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as Thomas's mother seemed to be avoiding her after the introduction.

"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should I put it, a bit on the crude side."

"Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston? That I was educated in Europe? That I attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I attended Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laude?" Tamara asked.

"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied.

"Then where in the fuck does that bitch come off with all that crude bullshit?"

=============================

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one
of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he
decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several
weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked. "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects." "What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously. "Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on."

 

[melody]

FACTS FROM A MALE VIEWPOINT

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

Why does a bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and the fridge.

What's the difference between premenstrual tension and BSE?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

Why did God create women?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

What is the definition of 'making love'?
Something a woman does while a guy is f***ing her.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
Internet, telephone, telawoman.

Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years, the job still sucks.

What's the definition of love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

 

[melody]

Better Definitions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing
in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women go to curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they
are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more
damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

===================================================

A group of senior citizens were exchanging complaints about their
ailments.
"My arm is so weak that I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad that I can't see to pour my
coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad.
We should be thankful that we can still drive."

 

[melody]

Not Monday

A guy gets a new job and he works Tuesday to Friday, but on Monday he calls his boss and says: "I can not come in today. I'm sick."

The same thing happens next week and the week after.

The boss gets irritated, but he doesn't want to fire the guy,because he's really good at what he does.

He calls him in his office and says to him: "Listen, I'm really happy that I've hired you, but you simply don't work on Mondays. Tell me what the problem is? Do you drink a lot, do you take drugs?"

"No," replies the guy, "I don't drink at all and I don't do drugs. But my sister is married to this guy, who drinks every weekend. So when he comes home he beats her really badly. I go to visit her every Monday to make sure she's OK. She starts crying on my shoulder, one thing leads to another and then we start fucking."

"You fuck your sister?"

The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

=========

In marriage there's often a glitch,
When you find out you married a bitch,
She once was quite nice,
All sugar and spice,
Now she's an evil old witch

=========

May your bleeding piles torment you
And corns grow on your feet
And crabs the size of horse turds
Get on your balls and eat
And when you're old and feeble
A syphilitic wreck
May your head fall through your asshole
And break your fucking neck

 

[melody]

Little Matt

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

=====

Sue and Jane are shopping together at the supermarket. When they get to the vegetables, Sue hefts a good sized potato in each hand and says, "You know, Jane, these remind me of John's balls."
Jane, impressed says, "Hmm, that big, huh?"
"No", Sue answers. "That dirty."

 

[melody]

Three Sisters

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

========

What doesn't belong in this list?
meat
wife
eggs
blow job
It's blow job, because you can beat your meat, you can beat your wife and you can beat some eggs, but you can't beat a blowjob!

 

[melody]

10 Things You Should Never Do On the Internet

Never trust anyone who goes for a potty break and never takes more than 30 seconds!

Never trust anyone who starts a conversation with the words "I AM a woman!!!!! Are you?"

Never trust someone who brags that they can remove a woman's bra in just under a minute! Any self-respecting dyke can do it MUCH faster than that!

Never trust anyone who begs for cyber sex, especially if they use the phrase "blue ovaries"!

Never give out your home phone number to someone who tells you "You might as well...I can find it anyway!"

Never join a chat room where the topic is "All Lesbians! Men welcome!" or "The channel for lesbians....and the men who love them"!

Never trust anyone who misspells the word "lesbian" or "dyke"! If they don't know if they are a woman loving woman or a water dam, they need more help than you can give them!

Never have cyber sex with anyone who begins by asking "Ok. Where do I start?"

Never have cyber sex with anyone who says "I've never done this before, but I'm really curious about what it's really like to be with another woman. Will you teach me?"

Never start a serious cyber relationship with someone who's nickname is "quickie"!
____________

Q: What do you call a lesbian with 10 girlfriends?
A: A bush-hog!

Q: What did one lesbian say to another?
A: "Your face or mine?"

Q: What kind of humor do lesbians like?
A: Tongue in cheek.

Q: Why do lesbians like to have gay male friends?
A: Someone has to do the cooking!

Q: How can you tell if you have a butch dyke co-worker?
A: You find the toilet seat up when she leaves the stall.

Q: What does it mean when 2 lesbians have sex?
A: It don't mean dick!

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

 

[melody]

Unable To Perform

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to
perform anymore.
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few
things, but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him, "this is all in your mind," and refers
him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink
confesses,
"I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this,"
and throws some powder on a flame, and
there is a flash with billowing blue smoke....
The witch doctor says
"This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year!
All you
have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The
witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down.
But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and
that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....
So he
is lying in bed with her and says '123', and suddenly he gets an
erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

=====

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from
work and leans against the freshly painted wall. The next day, she says
to the painter, "You wanna see where my husband put his hand last
night?"
He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead of me.
Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"

=====

A man goes to his psychiatrist complaining about marriage problems. The
shrink asks him, "Do you talk to your wife during sex?" "Sure," says the
guy, "I've got a cell phone!"

 

[melody]

Blonde And A Brunette And Redhead

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are in the copy room
of their office building when the red head goes over to
the corner of the room.

She stands with a puzzled look on her face for a second
then says 'This looks like a semen stain'.

The brunette walks over to look as well as touch the
stain. She says 'Looks and feels like semen.'

The blonde comes over, looks at, touches, then tastes the
stain. She says 'looks like it, feels like it and tastes
like it, but it's not from any man in this office.'
=======
A little old man went into a drug store to buy Viagra. He says, "Can I
have six tablets, and can you cut them into quarters for me?"

"I can cut them into quarters, sir," says the pharmacist, "but a quarter
won't give you a full erection."

"I don't mind," says the old man. "I'm 96 and don't have any use for an
erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my
slippers."
=======
Q: What is the only time a chick should fake an orgasm?
A: When she has a Pit bull humping her leg.

Q: What is the definition of a Tampon?
A: A beaver dam.

Q: What is the difference between pussy and apple pie?
A: You can eat your mom's apple pie.

Q: Why does a dog lick his ass?
A: Because he knows in 5 minutes he'll be licking your face.

 

[melody]

Laundry

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard.
When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the
laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women
wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days
that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their
clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie,
"Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"

"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look
over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know
it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If
his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain,
so I don't hang out the wash."

"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.

"Honey," says Sophie, "Who on Earth wants to do laundry
on a day like that?"

=====

A little boy was walking down the street and he found a condom, which he thought was a "twinkie" He picked it up. A second or two later a teenage boy ran up to him and said,"I'll give ya a buck for that thang in your hand!"
The little boy quickly obliged. When he got home he asked his mom to take him to the store because he had money. His mom asked him where he got the money.
He said: "I found a twinkie and sold it to a boy, but I got the best of the deal. I had already sucked the cream filling out of it!"

 

[melody]

10 Ways You Know You've Had Good Sex....

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

Seniors Guide to SEX

Put on your glasses.

Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

Don't even think about trying it twice