JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Two Drunks

One day two drunks are sitting in a bar drinking. One drunk notices a
sign saying, "Lady in the back."

Being curious, they called the bartender over and asked what it
meant. The bartender says, "Well, there is a lady in the back that will satisfy
all your requests for only $20.00 and the answer to a riddle."

One of the drunks, thinking how cheap and easy it should be, gives the
bartender a twenty and heads for the back.

Laying on the bed is a beautiful and voluptuous red head. The drunk
says, "I paid my twenty so what is the riddle?"

The red head says, "If my pussy was to sail out to sea, how would you
bring my pussy back to me?"

The drunk thinks for a minute and then answers, "I don't know. How'd
the damn cat get out there?"

The red head laughs and says, "Go on, you didn't answer the riddle."

The drunk, pissed off and embarrassed, sits down by his buddy. The
buddy is anxiously waiting to hear what happened and asks, "Well, how good
was it?"

Feeling very embarrassed, the drunk answers, " I couldn't answer this
damn riddle about some f****** cat."

So the second drunk says, "Well, this I've got to try." He calls the
bartender over and throws him a twenty while heading for the back
room.

There lies the beautiful and voluptuous red head, all spread out and
smiling. She proceeds to say, "If my pussy was to sail out to sea, how
would you bring my pussy back to me?"

The second drunk answers, "Well, I don't know. Don't you think the
damn cat is dead by now?"

She laughs and says, "Go on, you didn't answer the riddle."

Now the drunks are pissed, frustrated, and out forty dollars. While
complaining to the bartender, in walks this huge sailor with his
duffle bag. He walks up to the bartender, throws a twenty down and
says, "Where is the room?" The bartender stands back and just points the way for
the sailor.

The sailor opens the door and says, "Okay, let's hear it."

The voluptuous red head, with eyes open wide, sits up and says, "If my
pussy was to sail out to sea, how would you bring my pussy back to
me?"

The sailor, taking his duffle bag and throwing it on the floor says:

"Well, with this bag I'll make a boat,
And with my balls, I'll make it float.
With my dick, I'll make and oar,
And row your pussy back to shore."

********

A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."

 

[melody]

High School Buddies

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.

"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm
really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment
her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your
hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for
such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I
started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts
they sure were firm. She liked that, too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got
her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another
compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

=====

The blonde rushing through the grocery store headed for the express line.
She noticed that the male checker had his back to her, so said, "Excuse me,
could you please check me out?"
He turned around, gazed at her from head to toe, and said, "Nice tits."

 

[melody]

Things I learned living In The South

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,001 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South,
Plus a couple no one's ever seen before.

If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart... It is a buggy!

Jawl-P? Means, did you all go to the bathroom?

People actually grow, eat and like okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.
We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is,
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons... YouMASH 'em.

Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page,
But it requires 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.

Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name) or Mr. (first name).

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You know what a hissy fit is..

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends
And those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.

 

[melody]

Thor The Viking God Of Thunder

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Bob, were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Bob, "Bob, it's been a long time now. I REALLY need to have sex..."
Bob stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, oh Thor, and find thyself what they call a "prostitute", and give her a bloody good seeing to..."
And Thor did, and he saw that this was good...
The next day, he came back up to see Bob, and told him of the previous night's events. "Oh Bob," he said, grinning like a shagged out God, "It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times..."
"37 times?!?!" exclaimed Bob. "You must go and apologize this instant!".
So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute, saying.. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor..."
"You're Thor?!?!" Shouted the girl.
"You're Thor?!?... I can't even pith!!!"
=====
Q: What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A: Two faggots with hemorrhoids.

Nobody is a virgin anymore, life has fucked us all.

Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have
in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

My buddy gave me a tip straight from the horse's mouth, but it was all
wet and slimy and disgusting and it smelled awful.

Q: What is a Redneck's defense in court?
A: "Honest your Honor,
I was just helping the sheep over the fence."

Q: Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
West Virginia to 32? A: It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
=====
Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.
"That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers
to the other. "Just ignore it", is the answer.
"Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!".

What did Spock find in the Enterprises' toilet?
The Captain's log.

One Greek says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go
back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y
Jelly!"

 

[melody]

Top 10 Things NOT To Say To Parents When Picking Up A Date.


10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."

9. "Show me how you used to spank her."

8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."

7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"

6. "I just got my license today."

5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."

4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."

3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"

2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"

1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

=====

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick", shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do"?

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination". says Sister Helen .

Sister Marilyn switches the wipers on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what"? shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross", says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking", says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts..... "GET THE FUCK OFF THE CAR!!!!!!!"

 

[melody]

One Cold Night

A man and his wife were driving home one cold night when the wife asks her
husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the
road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we
take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to keep warm?" the wife asks.

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

Giggling she asks, "But what about the smell?"

He replies, "Just hold his little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with,
died at the scene.

=====

There once was this guy named Stan
Who had some trouble being a man.
Wore a dress and high heels
Drove a Chevy with pink wheels...
And soon Stan became a tran.

=====

There was a young gypsy girl Rose
With obsessions for gentlemens' hose.
Up her pussy, her rear,
In her mouth and each ear
And her cute little freckle-tipped nose.

=====

There once was a man from York
who picked his nose with a fork.
When it got stuck
he cried "I don't give a fuck",
and walked around looking like a dork.

 

[melody]

MALE BASHING!

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make
some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in
Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his
15. Sadly, all men are created equal

=====

There once was a man from Boston.
The car he drove was an Austin.
There was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas
but his balls hung out so he lost 'em.

 

[melody]

You May Be A Ho If......

You become a Vaseline spokesperson.

Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.

You go through a Sealy Bed (tm) a week.

Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.

You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.

Tetracycline is your best friend.

McDonald's calls you The Happy Meal.

It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.

When you've got a Take a Number machine at your door.

When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.

Your day starts and ends by rolling over.

When the sperm bank calls for remnants.

When you're wearing more latex than spandex.

When your ceiling mirrors fog.

When they install a revolving door at your apartment.

When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.

Madonna comes to you for pointers.

When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.

When you have a room key to every hotel in town.

Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.

The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.

When a men's prison becomes a vacation hot spot

When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.

When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.

=======

2 nuns were walking in Central Park in New York late
at night and 2 men came out of the bushes, and started
to force them into having sex.

The first nun prayed saying,Forgive him Lord for he
does not know what he is doing,

While the other nun screams, Oh yes, he does!

 

[melody]

Hurting Feet

A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt.
He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged.
"Have you always been that way?" asked the podiatrist.
"No," she said, not until recently. "I've been fucking a lot doggie style."
"Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop."
"I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd fucks."

=====

Q: What do you call an epileptic fag?
A: A vibrator.

Q: How can you tell which house the fag lives in?
A: On the doormat it says, "Wipe your knees."

Q: Why did the preacher get aids?
A: He forgot to wash his organ between hymns.

Q: Why are faggots so generous?
A: They don't know how to be tight-arsed.

Q: Why do men have nipples?
A: So fags will know what they're missing.

Q: What does a lesbian get every twenty-eight days?
A: A free meal.

 

[melody]

Unable To Perform

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman
who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately,
the executive found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the
bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through
a movie magazine.
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.
Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of
a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

=====

Q: What is the most tactless thing you can say to a woman in a mastectomy
clinic as you offer her some coffee to drink?
A: "One lump, or two?"

 

[melody]

A Woman Who Can Handle Him

This guy goes into a whore house and gives the lady at the front desk
$500 and tells her that he wants a woman that can handle him. She
replies, go down the hall and its the second door on the right. He
does and just as they get started she starts screaming from the pain. He
then marches back to the front desk and tell the woman that he said he
wanted a woman that could handle him. She says, ok go down the hall and its
the third door on the left. He does and once again the woman starts
screaming just as they get started. Then he goes back to the front
desk and she says I know I know you want a women that can handle you. She
says, ok ok this time go all the way down the hall and down the
stairs,
there won't be any lights so just feel around till you hit something
wet
and stick it in. He does this and just as they get started nothing
happens there isn't any screaming. Well he thinks, finally, this could
work. As he gets into it he shouts "Oh yea, talk to me baby". She
replies "MOOOOOO"!

=====

Q: Why are women like pianos?
A: If they're not upright, they're grand.

Q: What has two legs and eats ants?
A: Uncles.

 

[melody]

Aids

A priest suffering from a dry persistent cough went to see his doctor.
After careful examination and thorough blood tests the doctor told him,
"I am sorry father, but you have AIDS and you are going to die."
"Oh! How horrible!" sobbed the priest.
"Yes, I understand, father," said the doctor. "I know you must be
disappointed about dying."
"Hell, no. Everybody dies. What disappoints me is honor. Used to be
that you could trust altar boys."
=====
Two dykes in a bar were looking at a woman across the room. The first
dyke said, "Boy, I sure would like to plumb her depths with my tongue."
"No, you wouldn't," said the second, "I know her, and she's hung like
a doughnut."

=====

Yo mama's arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.

Yo mama is so dyslexic, when I told her to go get the Head and Shoulders, she jumped on my shoulders and gave me head.

Yo mama's breath is so stank, we don't know whether she needs gum or toilet paper.

 

[melody]

Cosmetic surgery

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

=====

Once a young and devout holy roller,
Had a boy friend attempt to console her.
She'd gone down on his cock,
That was hard as a rock...
Chipped a tooth, plus she knocked out a molar.

=====

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid?
A. When you open her legs a light goes on!!

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.

 

[melody]

A Helicopter Ride

Three soldiers had just been released from the Army.
To celebrate, they decided to take a helicopter ride around the town.

The first soldier was eating a banana.
"Hmmm...I wonder....if we throw this peel out the helicopter,
will we see it land?" The other 2 soldiers shrugged and said go
ahead and throw it out. They watched with anticipation, but they
didn't see it land.

The second soldier had a rock. He threw it out the helicopter and
said, "This is bigger than the peel. We oughta be able to see this
land." The soldiers all watched again, but nothing happened.

The third soldier pulled out a grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it.
"NOW we'll see this land." The soldiers watched again...nothing
happened.

After the ride the soldiers were walking home. They saw a little
girl crying on the sidewalk. "What's wrong?" the soldiers asked.

"Well," said the girl, "I was just walking along and slipped on a banana
peel that came our from no where."

The soldiers explained what had happened on the helicopter
and carried the little girl home. As they were walking along once
more they saw a little boy crying on the side of the road. "What's
the matter, Son?" "Well," said the little boy, "I was just walking along
when a rock hit me on the head." The soldiers again told their story
and helped the little boy home. "I wonder what happened with the
grenade," said one soldier.

"Me too," said another, so the soldiers went running down the road
where they saw an old woman laughing hysterically. "Ma'am...what's so
funny?"

The old woman between giggles said, "Well, I farted and my house blew up.

=====

The boss came in and asked the new secretary, "Linda, do you know the
difference between a Caesar Salad and a blow job?"
"No," she replied.
"Great! Let's have lunch."

 

[melody]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny and his wife were lying in bed one night. His wife had
curled up ready to go to sleep and Little Johnny put his bedside lamp on
to read a book.

As Little Johnny was reading, he would periodically reach over to his
wife and fondle her pussy. Little Johnny did this a few times but only
for a very short time each time. He would then stop and resume reading
his book.

His wife gradually became aroused with this and thought that Little
Johnny was seeking some response as encouragement before going any
further. She got up and started stripping in front of him.

Little Johnny was confused and asked. "What are you doing taking your
night gown off?"

His wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was
foreplay so I'm getting ready to make love with you tonight. "

Little Johnny said, "No, that wasn't what I was doing, not at all."

His wife then asked, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

Little Johnny replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn
the pages of my book.

=====

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage as they finally realized
with wisdom that for 60 grams of sausage, it is not worth buying the
whole pig.
You Know You've Had A Good Blow Job when your pecker has the dry heaves
for three days afterward.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects

Bastard: A man who screws you all night with a 2 inch penis, then kisses
you good-bye with a 12 inch tongue.

 

[melody]

MONEY!

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman

=====

"My husband has developed a strange sexual practice recently" said a
woman to her friend "He insists on throwing me on the table, ripping my
clothes off and fucking my brains out after we've finished eating
dinner"

"That's not so strange" her friend said

"Oh, no?" said the woman "Try explaining that to the manager at our
local McDonalds"

 

[melody]

His And Her Farts
Attention women:

Until your farts start smelling like cinnamon buns,
quit bitching. I'm tired of women bitching when guys fart.
Farting around a woman is like listening to a radio permanently stuck on the
wailing bitch station:
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FARTED."
Yeah it's real hard
to believe that guys have the ability to let out air from their colons,
call Ripley.
Women shriek non-stop about how bad guys stink when they
fart, then they act like they fart sunshine and kittens from their
assholes when they rip one.
Women farts smell like old men: Not only is
the elusive potpourri poop-chute a myth, a woman's fart is embarrassing
whereas a guy's fart is something to behold, like a fine wine you swish
in your mouth and spit out to savor the flavors.
A real fart is beefy,
has a density greater than or equal to the air surrounding it, consists
of the unmistakable scent of broccoli, and usually requires wiping
afterwards.
When a woman farts, it can best be described as "efficient."
The sound is a modest toot; a minimalistic, almost innocent sounding
release. A true testament to the jumbled bundle of neurons that goes
into mapping every woman's brain to her asshole.
The efficiency comes
from the ratio of reek to weak (how bad her fart smells in proportion to
how weak-sounding it was).
The farting double-standard is bullshit.
Women giggle and put their hand up to their mouths, as if to say "oops!
I'm cute!"
No bitch, you're not cute. Your shit stinks. Either fart loud
and deny it, or don't fart at all.
Leave the farting to men, at least we
know how to get the job done.

 

[melody]

Top Twenty Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You

20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."

19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"

17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

16. Only moans during commercial breaks.

15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.

14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.

10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,Yadda."

9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.

8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.

7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on, too.

6. Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!!

4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

2. She yells out her own name.

1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
=====

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.

When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?"

The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"

 

[melody]

Honk For Jesus

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and
saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was
feeling particularly sassy that day after coming from an
exhilarating choir performance, so I bought the sticker and
put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an
uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just
thinking about how wonderful the Lord is and I didn't
notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing
someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I
never would have noticed the light! I found that LOTS of
people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy
behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out
of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO!
Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone
started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all those lovely people. I even
honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must
have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a "sunny beach".

I saw another gentleman waving in a funny way with only his
middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage
grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it
was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well,
I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the
window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson
burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this
religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and started walking
towards me. I bet they wanted to ask me what church I
attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers and drove on
through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that
got through before the light changed again and I felt kind
of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had
shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window
and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time
as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
--Grandma

 

[melody]

Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.

Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought.

"If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."