JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

L A Math

LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME GANG/CREW NAME________ ___ CRIB.

1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip.
He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and
He uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting.
How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt
Before he has to reload?

2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an
8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for
$85 per gram,
what is the street value of the rest Of his hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick,
How many tricks per day must each ho turn to support
Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Dave wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought
For $40,000 to make 20% profit.
How many ounce bags
Will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for
Stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4.
If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's,
How many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Tom got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000
For the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100
Of his hit money per month,
how much money will Be left when he gets out?

17. If an average can of spray paint covers 22
Square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet,
How many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce
Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang.
There are 27 girls in his gang.
What is the exact
Percentage of girls Tyrone knockup?

9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also
Has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week
At a cost of $5 per rat. If LaSheena makes $700 week
As a lookout,
how many weeks can she feed the Boa on
One week's income?

10. Marvin steals Joe's skate board. As Marvin skates
Away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum.
If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will
Marvin be when he gets whacked?

 

[melody]

The Gross Bathroom Disaster

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the
house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to
break something.

The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're
going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a
short trip to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He
gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A
diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,
out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what
she's seeing.

Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in
the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she
describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to
examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on
his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes
out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!

The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls,
etc. Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is
the first time I've ever seen a fart!"
~~~
3 brunettes were walking in the forest when they came along some tracks.
The first brunette said "Those are bear tracks" and the second brunette said "No you moron those are deer tracks" and the third brunette said "Don't be stupid, those are rabbit tracks"..... (*HONK HONK*) and then the train hit them.
~~~
There was a young man from Mauritius,
Who said 'That fuck was delicious'
But the next time I cum,
It will be up your bum,
Coz that scab on your cunt looks suspicious!!

 

[melody]

Top 10 Online Lies

10. "I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend".

9. "You're different...........I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before."

8. "I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile...............but tell me more
about yourself."

7. "I never do cybersex!! Yet here in this room alone with you, well I'm getting excited"

6. "Yes of course I'm female............"

5. "No this is my only screen name....You mean you can have more then one?"

4. "I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and guys love my body!" Male version is "I'm 6'0, great tan,
and buffed from working out"

3. "I'm not like most of the guy's here, I just want to meet so we can just have coffee and
get to know each other" (at the hotel coffee shop)

2. "I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts" (Which is true,
except it means "I'm horny and could care less, just type")

1. "Tonight my love...........our souls have touched.


Billy Joe Bob and Bubba were walking down a country road when they
came upon a young woman with a flat tire on her bicycle. Bubba stopped

to help her and Billy Joe Bob continued on down the road. Soon after,
Bubba came riding up on the bike and Billy Joe Bob asked him what had
happened.

"Well," said Bubba, "I stopped and fixed the tire for that girl and
after I did that, she took off her panties, lay down in the grass and
told me to take whatever I wanted. I chose the bicycle."

Billy Joe Bob said, "Well, Bubba, that was probably the right
choice, cuz them panties probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

[melody]

Three Old Guys

Three old guys are sitting on a porch in Miami. Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods."

The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk."

The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you dear? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"

After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?"

The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going.


The other day, I was accosted by a hooker. She asked, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex, honey? Only $50."

"No way!" I responded. "I'm married!!!"

"So??? What difference does that make?" asked the hooker.

So I told her, "The difference is.... My wife will do it for only $35."


The other day, while Mike was seeing his shrink, the doctor asked him what he looked for in a woman.

Mike replied, "Big tits."

"No, I meant for a serious relationship."

Mike said, "Oh, seriously big tits."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

"Spend the rest of my life with one woman?" said Mike "No woman's tits are that big."


There once was a man from Brighton
Who said to his girl, you're a tight 'n
She cried 'pon my soul
You're in the wrong hole
There's plenty of room in the right one.

 

[melody]

A Lovely Young Thing

The playboy encountered a lovely young thing on one of his trips abroad and decided to marry her.

Blessing the fact that she was not only a virgin but totally naive, he seized on the wedding night as a chance to break her in right, and had her perform oral sex with him a number of times.

The next day the bride went to see her mother, and burst into tears almost immediately.

"Oh, Mother," she sobbed . "I did so want to have children, and now I just know I never shall."

"Now, now, dear, what makes you so sure?" asked the mother soothingly.

"Because." she wept, "because I'll never learn to swallow that dreadful stuff!"

=====

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.

The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a $5.00 bill.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father, . . . you're a virgin."

The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.

The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5.00 bill.

Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin".

At this stage the priest decides to take action.

"Tommy," he says, "that's twice you've called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?".

"Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt "

 

[melody]

How To Fuck Like A Black Dude

A white guy is sitting in a bar next to a black guy. "Hey, dude," he
asks. "How's it you black dudes are so popular with the ladies?"

"Well," the black guy replies, "It is all a matter of fuckin'. When you
white guys fuck, you just stick it in and Wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am!
It's all over before it's even started. When we make love to a woman,
we tease her first, and then only when she begs for it, we stick it in
slow, and gentle like. That's the secret, man, tease her until she begs
you for it, and then slow and gentle like. Works every time."

The white guy finishes his drink and goes home. That night, in bed with
his wife, he remembers the black guy's advice. First he teases his wife
until she begs him to put it in her, and then he starts fucking her, but
very slowly and very gently.

"Hey," she says to him passionately. "When did you learn to fuck like a
black guy?"


Girls, they say the hand is quicker than the eye...
So, quick, come over here and jerk me off. No one will see you!


My boyfriend came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will
make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the
bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs; he couldn't get back in.


A guy's driving by a field and sees a cow kneeling and praying and a
rabbit fucking a cat.
He says, "Holy cow, look at the hare on that pussy."

 

[melody]

THE REDNECK INTELLIGENCE TEST

Study each question carefully, then choose the answer that seems "most"
correct (TRUE or FALSE) and mark an "X" (just like you sign your name)
on the appropriate line at the right.

1. A clitoris is a type of flower____TRUE____FALSE

2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit ____TRUE____FALSE

3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird ____TRUE____FALSE

4. Vagina - a medical term to describe heart trouble.____TRUE____FALSE

5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels ____TRUE____FALSE

6. A G-string is a part of a violin ____TRUE____FALSE

7. Semen is another word for sailor ____TRUE____FALSE

8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly" ____TRUE____FALSE

9. Testicles are found on an octopus ____TRUE____FALSE

10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles ____TRUE____FALSE

11. Masturbate is used to catch a large fish ____TRUE____FALSE

12. Kotex is a radio station in Bryan, Tx ____TRUE____FALSE

13. Coitus is a musical instrument ____TRUE____FALSE

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke ____TRUE____FALSE

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute ____TRUE____FALSE

16. A condom is an apartment complex ____TRUE____FALSE

17. orgasm - accompanies the choir at church ____TRUE____FALSE

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry ____TRUE____FALSE

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle ____TRUE____FALSE

20. Erection - when the Japanese vote for their new
government____TRUE____FALSE

21. A lesbian is a person from the middle east ____TRUE____FALSE

22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass ____TRUE____FALSE

23. Pornography is the business of making record
albums____TRUE____FALSE

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish faith ____TRUE____FALSE

25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve" ____TRUE____FALSE

26. An enema is someone who is not your friend ____TRUE____FALSE

27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese ____TRUE____FALSE

28. Scrotum is a small planet near Venus ____TRUE____FALSE

29. "Cock" is a bird that crows in the morning ____TRUE____FALSE

 

[melody]

Battle Of The Sexes
(Part 1)

The Last 11 Things Any Man Would Ever Say:
I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Her tits are just too big.
Sometimes I just want to be held.
That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
Sure I'd love to wear a condom!
We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions
No, I don't mind watching Thelma and Louise again.

The Perfect Day According to ... HIM
10:00am Wake up
10:02am Oral sex
10:15am Big breakfast
11:30am Drive up the coast in Ferrari with gorgeous blonde with big jugs
2:15pm Enormous lunch
3:00pm Oral sex
3:15pm Play sports with the guys
4:00pm Drink beer with guys
6:00pm Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:10pm Oral sex
6:25pm Huge dinner, more beer
11:00pm Full on, get down, gorilla sex

 

[melody]

You Know It's Time For A Diet When:

*You dive into a swimming pool so your friends can go surfing.

*You have to apply your makeup with a paint roller.

*Weight Watchers demands your resignation.

*You step on a pennyweight scale that gives you your fortune and it
says, "One at a time please!"

*Your face is so full that you look like you're wearing horn-rimmed
contact lenses.

*The bus driver asks you to sit on the other side because he wants to
make a turn without flipping over.

*You're at school in the classroom and turn around and erase the entire
blackboard

*They throw puffed rice at your wedding.

*You hiccup in your bathing suit, and it looks like someone adjusting a
Venetian blind.

*You fall down and try to get up, and in the process rock yourself to
sleep.

*You dance and it makes the band skip.

*You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

*You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

*You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

*Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

*You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

*You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

*You could sell shade.

*You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.

 

[melody]

Battle Of The Sexes
(Part 2)

The Last 11 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say:

Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Hey, get a whiff of that one.
Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
This diamond is way too big!
I don't mind throwing all these useless shoes out.
I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Does this make my butt look too small?
I'm wrong, you must be right again.

The Perfect Day According to ... HER
8:45am Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00am 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30am Light breakfast
11:00am Sunbathe
12:00pm Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:30pm Shopping
2:30pm Run into boyfriends ex, notice she's gained 30 pounds
3:00pm Facial massage and nap
7:30pm Candle light dinner for two and dancing
10:00pm Make love
11:00pm Pillow talk in his big strong arms

 

[melody]

Blonde Moment!!

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that...
they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best
thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde, "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code
keeps changing."
=====
A blonde puts a book on the librarian's desk and says,
"This book has no story and way too many characters."
The librarian says, "So that's where the phone book went."

 

[melody]

Dam Fish

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife ...
to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said,
"Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook
them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher
asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
=====
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining
her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill
a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd
rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

=====

A gay guy walks into a bar and sits in the corner. A straight guy walks into the bar and says to the bartender "I'm so thirsty I could lick a cows balls!" Then the gay in the corner goes "moo!!"

 

[melody]

Scooby Dooby Dooby

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast
enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower,
rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger
boobies.'

" She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked!
She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she
realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved
her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of
the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"

The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory
dock..."

=====

A young woman was in a bar one evening, and soon became distressed to
see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her.

"Say, honey-baby ... I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours."

"Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an asshole in there."

 

[melody]

Topic Of The Day

The teacher announces, "The topic of the day is describe your mother to
me as a bird, and tell me why." She leaves the kiddies for a short
while and then asks them their answers.

Kelly at the front goes first, "My Mummy's like a swan, because she's
white and elegant"

"Thank you Kelly" says teacher, and she continues going around the
class.

Bobby says "My Mummy's like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and
I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters."

"Thank you Bobby." says the teacher, and continues with the other
students.

Finally there is no one left but Little Johnny, so the teacher finally
asks him, "Johnny, what bird most resembles your mother?"

Little Johnny pipes up with "A thrush!"

The teacher, thinking she may finally have a decent answer asks, "Why is
that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because she's an irritating cunt.
________

There once was a girl from north shore
Who'd been fucked more times than a whore
Her cunt was so wet you could drive in a 'vette
With room left to open the door

 

[melody]

Nasty Little Johnny

One day Little Johnny asked his dad, "What's the difference between a
pussy and a cunt?"

Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me."

He took Little Johnny to his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping
nude. "Son" he whispered, "See that brown soft furry patch? That is a
pussy."

Little Johnny asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?"

"No!" replied his father. "That might wake the cunt up."

=====

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from
the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the
window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and yells "FUCKING CUNT!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve,
he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

 

[melody]

Wee Wee Chu

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee
were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon,
when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, lets play Wee wee chu."
"Oh no not now, lets look at the moon," said Jung Lee.
"Oh c'mon baby lets you and I play Wee wee chu. I love you and it's the
perfect time", Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Wee wee chu with me?"
June Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "Ok we'll play Wee wee chu." Huan
Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang
"Wee wee chu a Merry Christmas, wee wee chu a Merry Christmas wee wee
chu a Merry Christmas and a happy new year."
=====
Happiness is like peeing your pants.
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.
=====
The theatrical agent, trying to sell a new strip act to a night-
club manager, was raving about the girl's unbelievable 72-26-38
figure.

"What kind of a dance does she do?" the manager asked, duly
impressed by the description of the girl's dimensions.

"Well, she doesn't actually dance at all," the agent replied. "She
just crawls out onto the stage and tries to stand up!"
=====
SHE WAS SO BLONDE .........
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she thought General Motors was in the army
she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats
at the bottom of an application, where it says "sign here", she wrote
Sagittarius.

 

[melody]

Phunny Miscellaneous

On their twentieth wedding anniversary a couple took a trip across
country. While driving near Niagara Falls, they came upon a sign that
said, "Wishing Well - Next Left."
Though somewhat dubious, the husband and wife took the next left and
pulled over beside an old stone well. Getting out, the man read the
instructions and, leaning over the well, threw in a penny and made a
wish. Then his wife did likewise. However, when she leaned over she
lost her balance, tumbled into the well and drowned.
Stepping back, the man remarked, "Hey, it really works!"
____

What do you call a 90 year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo Machine
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
Why did God create alcohol?A porcupine has the pricks on the outside
So ugly people could have sex too
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A Pimp
_____

This blonde rang up the doctor & asked, "Doc, would u check if I left
my panties behind in ur examination room?"
The doctor looked around & said,"No, they are not here." "Oh," replied
the Blonde, "then I must have left them at the dentist's."

_____

This guy goes for a shit and it just keeps going. He's
shitting for 3 hours straight. It just won't stop. He's
constantly flushing the toilet. Finally he gets to the point
where, he actually shits his brains right out. He has no
brains at this point. He's finally done, he wipes his arse and
for the first time in his life he puts the seat down.

 

[melody]

Naughty Little Johnny

One day, when Little Johnny was about 6 years old, he and his
father went to look at some puppies. When he came home, he
ran up to his mom and informed her that there were four puppies.
Three were boys and one was a girl.
His mother was impressed and asked Little Johnny how he
knew this.
"Well," says Little Johnny "The girl was brown colored, but
all the boys were black."
"Yes, dear, but how did the color tell you if they were male
or female?" asked his mother.
Exasperated, Little Johnny retorted, "The color doesn't
tell you, silly, the black ones all had cocks."

^^^^^

A young women visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight.
The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.

Doctor: "Can you read the bottom line?"
Girl: "No."
Doctor: "Can you read the center line?"
Girl: "No."
Doctor: "Can you read the large top line?"
Girl: "No."
Doctor (getting frustrated): "Can you even see the chart?"
Girl: "No."

The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his penis out
of his pants.

Doctor: "Can you see this?"
Girl: "Of course!"
Doctor: "Well, there's your problem - you're cock-eyed!"

 

[melody]

Ape Cage

The man was in front of the Ape cage at the zoo.
He covered his eyes and the Ape did the same.
He covered his ears - the Ape did the same.
He covered his mouth, so did the Ape.
He tweaked his nose at the ape and the Ape got mad and threw ape-crap all over the man.

The man ran to the zookeeper and complained.
The zookeeper asked him what he had done to piss-off the Ape.
He told him all the things he did.
When he got to the part about 'tweaking his nose' at the Ape, the zoo-keeper said
"Well, no wonder! Tweaking your nose means F-YOU in Ape-talk!"

So, the next day the man goes back to the zoo to get even with the Ape.
He did all the same stuff at the Ape and the Ape copied him,
but instead of tweaking his nose at the Ape, the man produced a big butcher knife from his back pocket, unzipped his fly, pulled out a sausage he had put there, whacked the end of the sausage off,
and offered the butcher knife through the cage for the Ape to do the same.
The Ape looked up at the man in horror, and without hesitation,
vehemently tweaked his nose at the man.

=====

An attractive woman turned to the man in the business suit behind her in the elevator. "Excuse me," she asked, "but aren't you Little Johnny?"

The man cleared his throat, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am."

"Oh," she gushed, "I've always wanted to meet you, Little Johnny. And now that we're together," she continued throatily, "I'll tell you what I'd like to do; I'm inviting you back to my room, where I'll kneel in front of you and pull out your cock and suck it till you have a giant hard-on and suck it some more until you come all over my face..."

"I don't know," said Little Johnny, thinking it over. "What's in it for me?

 

[melody]

Statements / True Meanings

Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."

Statement: "I need you."
True Meaning: "My hand is tired."

Statement: "I am different from all the other guys."
True Meaning: "I am not circumcised."

Statement: "I want a commitment."
True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation."

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."

Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it."
True Meaning: "Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my
head."

Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the
head might be necessary."

Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."

Statement: "I miss you so much."
True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to
look good."

Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
True Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?"

Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"

Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find
out sooner or later."

Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on
their way to tell you by now."

Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."

Statement: "I'll give you a call."
True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than
see you again."

Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."

Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."