JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

The Smiths

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come
to......" "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut
in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch
and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too....you can really spread out! "Bathtub, living room floor?! No wonder it
didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a
good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot
from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of
work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but
you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith
said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."! "Oh
my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these
twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so
difficult to work with." "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm
afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good
look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was
constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached
and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment,
I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your,
um...equipment?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod
so that we can get to work." "Tripod?? "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest
my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long.
Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted!


Q ~What does an 80 year old woman have between her breasts?
A ~Her navel.

He said ~ Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted
to make love to you in the worst way.
She said ~ Well, you succeeded.

Q ~Why are pubic hairs curly?
A ~So you don't poke your eye out.

Q ~When you go to the hospital how do you find the head nurse?
A ~Look for the nurse with dirty knees and swollen lips!

Two gays walk past a gay bar one night.
One says to the other "You wanna get shit faced tonight?"

 

[melody]

Meet The Folks

A young fella is brought home to meet the folks.
His girl greets him at the door and says,
"I'm sorry, I'm running late. Please come in
And I'll introduce you to my folks.
And I, uhh, forgot tell you, they're both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room,
Introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.

As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable
As both of the parents are completely silent.
Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV,
And Mum is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of
Complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up
Her skirt, pulls down her panties, and pours a glass
Of water over her ass.

Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room,
Bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind.
He then sits back down in his chair and balances
A match stick in front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young
Man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes,
The daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening.

The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely
Distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter?
Have I done something wrong?"

"No, it's not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest
Thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a
Bit shocked.

"Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt,
Pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind.

"Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair,
Leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back
Down and places a match stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.

The man can't believe her casual response. The girl explains.

"Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?'
And Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him - I'm watching the match."

 

[melody]

Lesbian Questions & Answers

1. do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.

8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?
Fingerpaint.

10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna?
POTPOURRI.

11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner?
See you next month.

12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls

14. Do you know what drag is?
It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

15. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

17. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

19. What does a lesbian think the string on the end of a tampon is for?
For flossing after eating.

 

[melody]

Naughty Little Johnny

So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling
them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can
use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands.
"Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids
with mumps, 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious,"
and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the
class. (and she really doesn't want to call on Little Johnny) "Yes,
Johnny?" she says.

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we
saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny
little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes
up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take
that
cunt ages to finish that fence.

*****

There once was a poor man named Crocket
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
So she cranked on the switch,
And Crocket took off like a rocket!

*****

Have you heard about the gay who put a nicotine patch on his penis?
He's down to three butts a day.

 

[melody]

Greasy Spoon

A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup. "What's this?!?!?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not payin' for it!" and he storms out... The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whorehouse across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto. The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!???" the waitress yells. He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah!... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't payin' for it EITHER!!!!!"

=====

Q: Why were blondes given bigger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump men's legs at parties.

Q: Did you hear about the new porno movie?
A: It's about a girl whose clitoris is in her ear ... it's called: "Cum
Again?"

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.

Q: Why does a blonde always drive a BMW?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why don't blondes like vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the
battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

 

[melody]

Quicksand

A cat and a horse are walking through the forest. Suddenly the cat slips
into a pit of quicksand. "Help me Ed!", says the cat, "Quick, run home,
get the Ferrari, cruise back here tie a rope to the back and throw It in
so you can pull me out."

"No way.", exclaimed the horse, "There isn't enough time. I'll back up,
get a running start, jump over the pit while my dick drags in the
quicksand. You can grab it and I'll pull you out."

"That'll never work!", said the cat.

"Well dude, you're sinking fast, you don't have much of a choice."

"OK, dude, go for it."

The horse backed up and ran toward the pit. At the last second, he
jumped and let his dick drag in the quicksand. As it passed the cat, the
cat grabbed it and, miraculously, was pulled out of the quicksand.

The moral of this story? If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a
Ferrari to get a little pussy.

----------

"Doctor I think my breasts are filled with water."

"Water! How's that possible?"

"Whenever someone presses them my pussy gets wet."

---------

There once was a preacher's daughter
Who resented the pony he bought her
Till she found that it's dong
Was as hard and as long
As the prayers her father had taught her.

 

[melody]

Group Therapy

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office.
After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people
wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite
the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John
decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first
asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night.
A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once
a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks
how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.
After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting
off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that
the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The
guy said, Once a year!

To John's dismay, he responds,

Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?

The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"
____________________________

Two drunks are sitting in a bar when one smells something foul. He turns to the other. "Hey man," he says, "did you shit yourself?"
"Yeah," says the second drunk.
"Well, why don't you go clean yourself up?"
"I ain't through yet.

 

[melody]

2O MORE WAYS MEN FAIL IN BED...

TAKE NOTES, ALL YOU CASANOVAS....

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH: It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME: You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But, if you really don't know, don't ask.

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY: Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN: Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to- penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX: Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO: Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES: In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES: Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT: This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES: When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you? "she'll hear the words "to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH: Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS: There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES: If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE: Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES: It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS: Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY: It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES: You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER: Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER: Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

 

[melody]

Naughty Little Johnny

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly
letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school.
When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior,
Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody,
and I'm very proud of that fact."
The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will
you stop?"
Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the
floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one.
Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny
little speck of dust off the paper.
The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and
farted but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust
left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her
do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny
peeked up underneath her skirt.
"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly,
"you've got a Double-Barrel!"

]]]]

Tim: Sam, I hear you just got married again.
Sam: Yes, for the fourth time.
Tim: What happened to your first three wives?
Sam: They all died, Tim.
Tim: How did that happen?
Sam: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: How terrible! And your second?
Sam: She ate poison mushrooms.
Tim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Sam: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Tim: I see; an accident.
Sam: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.

 

[melody]

Sexual Conquests

Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests. The
first man says he picked up this girl last week and they agreed to go
back to his
house and have sex. Once in the house the girl stripped off her
clothes,
lay down on the bed with legs apart and panted, "I want you to give me
twelve inches and make me bleed."
The second man not for one moment believed his friend was that
well-hung, asked what he did.
"Well" he says, "What could I do - I laid her twice and smacked
her in the face!"

====

A young Blonde was telling her friend at a cocktail
party that she was off men for life.

"They lie, cheat, and they are no good. From now on,
when I'm horny I'll use my vibrator."

"But what if the batteries run out?
What will you do?" asked the friend.

"Same as I do with my boyfriend,
I'll fake the orgasm."

 

[melody]

Piano Player

A bar had a sign in the window advertising that they needed a piano
player. A scroungy-looking, old, retired Navy Chief entered the bar and
told the bartender he was interested in the job. The bartender wasn't
too impressed with his looks but said, "What the hell," and pointed the
old sailor to the piano in the corner.

The tattooed old veteran sat down and started to play the most
beautiful, melodious piece of music the people in the bar had ever
heard. All talk stopped while he played, and when he finished with a
musical flourish, they all applauded.

"Hey, man, you're good," said the barkeep. "What was that?"

"That was an original composition I call, 'Drop Them Panties And
Grease-Up, Woman, 'Cause It's Gonna Be A Long, Long Night.' "

"Interesting title," said the bartender. "Got another?"

The old sailor broke into a foot stompin' honky-tonk piece that brought
the bar patrons to their feet, clapping along until it was finished,
when they again gave him a thunderous round of applause.

"You are great, man. Really great. What do you call that one?" asked the
bartender.

"That's another original little ditty I call, 'I Wanna Lick Yer Bare
Butt, Baby, 'Til I Make You Bark Like A Fox.' "

The old sailor then turned around on the bench and said, "If you'll
excuse me, I need to use the restroom."

While he was gone, the bartender decided to offer him the job, starting
immediately. When the old musician returned a few moments later, the
bartender said, "If you want the job, it's yours."

He looked down and noticed the old sailor hadn't "quite" finished his
trip to the restroom.

"By the way," he asked him, "do you know your pecker is hanging out for
all the world to see?"

"Know it? Hell, I WROTE it!"

 

[melody]

Statistical Findings:

10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place
36% of the women favor nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes ...
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.
Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day.
Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!

---------

Why won't blondes eat pickles?
Because they're afraid they'll get their heads stuck in the jar
What do you call a bunch of blondes with yeast infections?
A wine and cheese party!
How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer

 

[melody]

Blonde Moment!

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. ...
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and
even the accelerator!" she cries.
The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way.
He will be there in two minutes."
Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911
dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on
the line again.
"Never mind", giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
=====
How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm?
Call her and tell her where you are.
=====
What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
At least when you are eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.
=====
"Got anything to eat, lady?" asked the tramp.
"Do you mind eating last week's leftovers?"
"Not at all."
"Good. Come back next week then"

 

[melody]

Terms For Female Masturbation

5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy Boat
Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Impeaching Bush
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-sauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Spanking Lucy
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Tissue tickling
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket


A guy had never had sex before, so his buddies set him up with this
whore for a couple of hours. He really had NO clue, and when she sat
down on the bed completely naked, she says, "Do you know what I want?"
He looks at her and says, "No" and then she lies down on the bed and
starts rubbing her breasts and moaning she says, "do you know what
I want?" And he says, "No" So then she spreads her legs *wide open* and
starts fingering herself and says, "NOW do you know what I want?" And
he says, "Yeah - you want the whole fucking bed to yourself!"

 

[melody]

Sexually Active

Cud be that your parents really "Are Still Sexually Active"...
Check thru the list...

Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

He grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."

She is found cuffed to her walker.

Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

She regularly looks at his crotch and claps twice.

She starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."

There may be snow on the roof, but the fire ain't out!!!!!

=====

Ole and Lena are sixty-nining when Ole says, "Lena did you know there is 117,000 musk-ox in Alaska?"
Lena says, "No, I didn't, Gee, you¹re smart".
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?" Lena says, "No I didn't. Gee, you¹re smart. Ole says, and Lena did you know there is over 2,000,000 caribou living in Alaska?
"No", says Lena, "how did you get so smart?" Sort of wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.
Ole says, "Remember last winter when we ran out of toilet paper and we had to use the pages out of magazines?"
"Yes, I remember", says Lena. Ole says, "Well you still have page 63 of the National Geographic stuck to your ass."

 

[melody]

Tarzan and Jane

Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.

Interviewer: Name?

Tarzan: Me Tarzan

Interviewer: Married?

Tarzan: Wife Jane

Interviewer: Children?

Tarzan: Son boy

Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?

Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the Jungle

Interviewer: Jane's Whole Name

Tarzan: Jane's Hole named Pussy


A tall Texan rancher in a tall Stetson hat strode into a rather sleazy cocktail lounge with his buddies.

As he passed the veteran waitress bent over wiping a table, he slapped her on the ass and said, "Ah shore do wish Ah had a little pussy."

She glanced up at him without stopping and said, "So do I.

Mine's as big as your hat."


There once was a man named MacGruder
Who met a nude and he wooed her
She thought it was crude
To be wooed in the nude
But MacGruder was shrewd and he screwed her.


There once was a man named Mort
Whose dick was incredibly short
He climbed into bed
And his lady friend said,
"That's not a dick, it's a wart.

 

[melody]

Impressive Length

A white man noticed the impressive length of the black man's
penis at the adjacent urinal. "Sure wish I had one like yours."
The black man replied, "You can just tie a string around it and hang a
weight on the end of the string. Put the weight down your pant leg and...
you can have one like mine."
The white man thanked him for the suggestion and left.
Some weeks later, they met again in the lavatory.
The black man asked how the project was going.
"Great I'm half way there!"
"Really?" said the black man.
"Yes. It's turning black!"

=========

Q) What's the similarity between getting a blow job from an eighty year old woman and walking a tightrope?
A) In both cases, you really don't want to look down.

Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

Q: Why do men fall asleep immediately after sex?
A: So women can masturbate and finish the job off properly!

Q)Why does it take woman longer to have an orgasm?
A) Who cares??

Q)Why is an ugly girl like a bedspread ?
A) Because they are both turned down at night

 

[melody]

17 Ways Women Fail In Bed

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick, don't grab it
like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a damn
cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment
to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder
and beauty, and should be awed, worshiped and held tenderly
at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face
should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick, don't just get on
the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward.
It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected,
kissed and licked from every possible angle.

3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced
to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort
of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can
blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh! If your creative man
gets carried away and says things like, "Ride my hard cock, you
filthy cock-sucking slut," or "I want to rinse your mouth with
my fresh, white hot love potion." Laughter at any aspect of
the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've
got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to
come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share
this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen
is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases -- but
this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all-important. Don't
wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present.
You know you love it.

7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss
and cuddle. No matter what he says, he does not want to touch
you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you
are a one-night stand, you should leave the premises without
thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is
done. Just get the fuck out.

8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know
you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it, as you
can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use
them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you
have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of
saying, "Are you going to come soon?" If you're doing a blowie,
you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If
you're giving a handjob, you should have gone to the gym to work
your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than ten
minutes, you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a
blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted
human beings.

11. FISHING F! OR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're
the best lover he has ever had. Most men have had so many
sexual partners that it is unlikely that *you* are. Please don't
ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something! Good
sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move
around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and
skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the
equipment and know-how to do it, but at least put some effort
into the act to show your appreciation.

13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative
lover who can satisfy two women at a time, don't sneer at or reject
his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make
up a threesome. If he's a real man, he's probably shagging her,
anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your
man really happy.

14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic
hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past
it's sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old.
If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner
favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather
be shagging.

15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble
to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to
spit it out without savoring the taste and gluey texture.
You should play with semen like a piece of Hubba Bubba,
blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line
like "I love it when you come in my mouth," makes for a happy
finale to fun and games.

16. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the
effort and energy he has expended on making love to you --
especially if: a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or
b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is
far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when
one's prowess is appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your
man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he
drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask: "Do you
think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?"

 

[melody]

The Rush

The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry.

The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble, Sweetie?"

She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?"

Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush.

The blonde came running downstairs, crying.

Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her.

Her mother (another blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees.

The blonde said: "No Ma. I can screw and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook."


There once was a Man from Sunbass
Who's balls were made out of brass
When they banged together,
they played stormy weather


There was an old pirate named Bates,
Who was learning to Rumba on skates,
He fell on his cutlass, which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.

 

[melody]

How Dogs Are Better Than Men:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they
never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

_______

A guy walked into the doctor's office wanting a an appointment for some surgery.

"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."

"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."

"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."