JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Tragic Loss

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
========
How do you know your mistress or wife has gained too much weight?
She fits into your clothes.

What did the left testicle say to the right testicle?
This guy in the middle is a dick.
========
"My teacher is really giving me a tuff time" Little Johnny told his
father.

"Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised. "Take special care with
your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your
assignments and homework promptly."

"I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed. "She hissed at
me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue."
========
A young couple went to a nude beach on a sunny day. They got rid of all their clothes and lay down.

Suddenly a bee flew into the woman's vagina, and as you all might guess it wasn't very pleasant!

So,they rushed to the nearest hospital where the local Doc tries to solve the problem. He suggested putting honey on the young man's penis and see if he could tempt the bee out.

But the young man didn't like the idea very much, so the Doc volunteered to do it in his place. The Doc had been trying to get the bee out for 5 min, amid much puffing and panting when the young man asked, "Why's it taking so long, Doc?"

The Doc replied "I've changed my mind! I've decided to drown the bugger instead!"

 

[melody]

Blonde Moments!

Blonde Go Ice-Fishing
This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"

Beware the Trees
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

Lost in a Snowstorm
A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it. Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.

Q's & A's
Q: What happened when the blonde tried to give her boyfriend a blow-job while he was driving?
A: They both fell off the motorcycle

Q: What do a blonde and a barn have in common?
A: They always have a cock in them

Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

Q:Why did the blonde have lipstick all over her steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow her horn

Q: How do you tell if a bank robber is blonde?
A: She ties up the safe and blows the guard.
Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked down the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she had given her last blow job.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a redneck?
A: If she can chew tobacco and suck dick at the same time and still know which one to spit out.

Q: What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A: A blow job with handle bars.

Q: What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
A: A mobile sperm bank!

 

[melody]

Oranges

The fellow made an appointment with the town banker and explained with
great excitement that he'd come across a formula which would make pussy
smell like an orange. "All I need's a little cash to start up with." The
banker listened politely but turned down the loan, remarking that it
just didn't sound to him like a sound business proposition. A year or so
later, though, he noticed that the man's bank account had swelled to
impressive proportions, so the banker invited him back for a second
meeting. "Say, I hope there are no hard feelings about my turning down
that loan last year," he began rather apologetically. "Nope, none at
all," replied the entrepreneur cheerfully. "In fact, quite the opposite.
See, you got me to thinking, and I figured you had a point. So I went to
work on a formula to make an orange taste like pussy - and it's selling
like crazy!"

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Two gay guys live together. The first guy said, "Let's play hide and
seek. I'll hide, and if you find me I'll blow you."

The second guy asked, "What if I can't find you?"

The first replied, "I'll be behind the piano."

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

A very popular girl (the town bicycle)
went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant. The doctor says,
"I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this
baby is?" The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of
`Baked BeansÝ, would you know which bean made you FART?"

Potentially And Realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically? The father thought for
a moment, then answered, Go ask your mother if she would sleep with
Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd
sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what
you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars? The mother replied, Of course I would! I
wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that. The boy then went to his
sister and asked, Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?
The girl replied, Oh my God! I would just love to
do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity! The boy then went
to his brother and asked, Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million
dollars? Of course, the brother replied. Do you know how much a
million could buy?

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His
father asked him, Did you find out the difference between potentially and
realistically? The boy replied, Yes, sir.

Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically,
we're living with two sluts and a fag.


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q. What's worse than a cardboard box?
A. Paper tits!

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

 

[melody]

A Womanizer And The Devil

A womanizer died and went to hell for his sins. He is greeted by the devil, who tells him that he has three choices of room for his eternal stay. Asking the devil if he can view the rooms before he decides, the man is led to the first room.
He opens the door to discover millions of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor.
"I don't like the look of that!" said the man, "Let me have a look at the next room."
Satan leads him further until they come to another door. When the man opens the door he finds that there are millions of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor.
"No," the man told Satan, "That's not for me either."
Eventually they reach the final room, and the man looks inside and see's millions of people standing knee deep in shit, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee.
Despite the disgusting smell, he decides that this is the best option and tells the devil his decision.
The man enters the room and starts chatting to the other people.
Five minutes later the devil walks in and says, "Ok you lot, your coffee break is over, get back on your heads!"
=========
There was a couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband had put his bedside lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he reached over to his wife and started fondling with her pussy. He did this only for a short time though, then stopped and went on reading his book. The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him.
The husband looked confused and asked, "What are you doing taking all your clothes off?"
The wife said, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier!"
The husband said, "Not at all!"
The wife then shouted, "Well what the hell were you doing then?"
"Oh I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages on the book."

Yo Mama's So Fat...

Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to put her picture on the
milk truck.
~Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls arse, she has to make two trips.
~Yo mama's so fat, when she dances at a club, she makes the band skip.
~Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she trick or treats two houses at a
time.
~Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two buses just to get on
her good side.
~Yo mama's so fat, she fills up the bath tub, and then she turns on the
water.
~Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on
the other side to get her through.
~Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.
~Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease,
the doctor gave her 5 years to live.
~Yo mama's so fat, her picture takes two frames.
~Yo mama's so fat, when your dad climbs on top of her, his ears pop.
~Yo mama's so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
~Yo mama's so fat, when I climbed up on top of her, I burned my butt on
the light bulb.
~Yo mama's so fat, when she takes a shower, her legs don't get wet.
~Yo mama's so fat, she can't wear Daisy Dukes. She has to wear Boss
Hoggs.
~Yo mama's so fat, her lipstick comes in a spray can.
~Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a dollar and made change.
~Yo mama's so fat, her skates went flat.
~Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper goes off people think she is backing
up.
~Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she didn't get a birth
certificate, she got blue prints.
~Yo mama's so fat, her baby pictures had to be put on 24 x 36 posters.

 

[melody]

The Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
****** for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There
was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger
sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend
down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice
view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she
was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one
last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight
to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards
my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
=======
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaimed the man. "There's something
terribly wrong with my digestive system. When I eat bananas,
bananas come out the other end. When I eat apples, apples
come out the other end. What should I do?"
"Simple," the doctor replied. "Eat shit."

Compliment Her

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.

"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm
really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment
her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of
your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for
such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I
started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts
they sure were firm. She like that too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got
her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another
compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

Back in the 70's, a long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep
South.

He got a ride one night from this real mean looking redneck trucker.
After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said: "Well,
aren't you going to ask me?"

"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.

" If I'm a boy, or a girl," answered the youth.

"Don't matter, I'm gonna screw ya anyway."

 

[melody]

Tarzan And Jane

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wild, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch. In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always checks for squirrels."
___________

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says,
"I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"

"Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less
attractive."

"I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?"

"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look
larger than you really are."

"I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"

"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

Bee Sting-
For the guys only!!!!

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf.
When she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return
To the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,
'Then your stance is too wide.'

_______________

A couple was making love outdoors when suddenly a bee flies into the woman’s vagina. They go to the hospital were the doctor say "mmm, well with both your permission I could put some honey on the tip of my penis and try to lure him out". So the doctor puts some honey on the tip of his penis and starts to gently push it in and out of the vagina. He started pushing harder and harder up until he started ramming his penis up her vagina. The boyfriend said, "What the hell do you think you are doing". "I’ve changed my mind I’m going to drown the bastard"!!!

 

[melody]

Nursing Home

A young man who felt very guilty when he had to put his elderly father into a nursing home, went to visit him to see if he was adjusting properly. He was relieved to see how clean and nice the place was, and since his father was in the dining room having lunch he decided to join him. Part way through the meal his father started leaning to one side. Instantly an attendant appeared and straightened him up.. Several minutes later, he leaned to the other side. Again, an attendant immediately ran over and helped him get upright in his seat. The rest of the meal was without incident, and over coffee the son asked the father how he felt about the nursing home.

Well son the place is nice and clean and the service is good, but there's one thing I really can't stand".

"What's that, asked the son?"

"They don't let you fart here"!
___________

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to
be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum
cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest
in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

"I'm sorry," said the old lady, "but I haven't got any money" and
she proceeded to close the door.

The young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen
my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her
hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the
remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because my
electricity was cut off this morning."
______________

On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

Q. What's the ultimate in rejection?
A. When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep.

The Farmer And The Filly

A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season,
but when gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and
starts kicking up dust. The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because
she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet.
The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around the filly's rump to keep
the stallion away. So, that day, the farmer does just that.
The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's
solution worked, but the filly's nowhere to be found. The farmer
follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm and sees the neighbor'
kid out by their barn.
"Hey boy, did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her
rump?"the farmer asks.
The kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning
with a handkerchief sticking out of her ass!!"
==========
Q: How do most men define marriage?
A: An expensive way to get their laundry done for free.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in boiling water?
A: Stu.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs holding down a railroad tie?
A: Spike.

Q: What do you call a cat with no arms and no legs?
A: Dog food.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a forest fire?
A: Bernie.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs stuck in a quarry?
A: Rocky.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

 

[melody]

Dealing With Women

Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other! Women will understand this! Men should memorize it!


DANGEROUS SAFER SAFEST ULTRA SAFE
What's for dinner? Can I help you with dinner? Where would you like to go for dinner? Here, have some wine.
Are you wearing that? Wow, you sure look good in brown! WOW! Look at you! Here, have some wine.
What are you so worked up about? Could we be overreacting? Here's my paycheck. Here, have some wine.
Should you be eating that? You know, there are a lot of apples left. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? Here, have some wine.
What did you DO all day? I hope you didn't over-do it today. I've always loved you in that robe! Here, have some wine.
_____

Peter was in bed with his best friend's wife.
Just as things were reaching a climax, he
suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the
bed, holding his head in his hands.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" his partner asked.

"I feel just like a regular son-of-a-bitch, getting
some of my best friend's pussy," the man moaned.

"Well," she soothed, patting his back, "you can
stop worrying. You're not getting his pussy.
His pussy is five inches deeper."

Lover's Lane

Two policemen, one a rookie, the other an older red neck cop, were making their rounds through a lover's lane type of spot, when they spied a very young couple fooling around in a tent.

"Cletus, what should we do?" The rookie cop always deferred to his more experienced partner.

Cletus spat some tobacco juice on the ground. "Bo, we tell the little punk to scram, and then we have some fun with little Miss Purty, or we throw 'em both in jail. That's what we do!"

Cletus told Bo to go first, and Bo did.

The boy ran off into the woods and Cletus watched the tent shake, rattle and roll for the next ten minutes.

The girl didn't seem to be too upset that her little boyfriend was gone either!

Bo came back to the car zipping up his uniform, and Cletus went drooling to the tent.

Cletus entered and said, "Now, little girl, you're gonna find out what it's like with a real man."

From under the blanket, Cletus heard an incredulous familiar voice say, "Daddy?"
____________

Little Johnny is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later he calls,
“Dad!!!”

"What?" replies his father.

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" asks Little Johnny.

"No. You had your chance. Lights out,” answered his father.

Five minutes later he calls again, "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later Little Johnny is hollering again, "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

 

[melody]

Philthy Phunnies

There is a guy at the bar and he's feeling low. He walks in and he sits down next to a man with leprosy, who also had his share of bad luck. The young man says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer," so, he gets one. He drinks it fast, and runs and throws up. The guy with leprosy says, "If I make you that uncomfortable, well, I will leave , OK?" The other guy says, "No, you ain't making me sick, it's the guy behind you. He's dipping his nachos into your back!"

ggggg

Q. Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
A. Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.

Q: What's the difference between a beer and a booger?
A: A beer goes on the table, a booger goes under it.

Q: Did you hear about the new Greek tampon?
A: It's called "Abzorba the Leak."

Q. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna?
A. Potpourri.

Q. What drives a lesbian up the wall?
A. A crack in the ceiling.
Q: How do you cancel a appointment at a sperm bank ?
A: Tell them you can't cum.

How does an African-American fairy tale start?
"You muthafuckers ain't gonna believe this shit...."

What's white, spotted, and gooey and rains down from the sky?
The Coming of the Lord.

What do you call a calf's pussy?
Veal cuntlet.

Define "hobosexualist." A bum fuck.

ggggg

A young boy just turned 18. His Father knowing that he was still a virgin gave him 100 dollars and drove him down to the street corner. "son today you will lose your virginity the same way I did when i turned 18". the father said. "I will return in 2 hours let me know all about it. ok dad. well 2 hours passed and the father came back for his son. the son jumps in the car with a huge smile on his face. "well what happened son?" "Well the heat was unbearable after an hour or so", "So i began to walk back home." "then Grandma stuck her head out the door. the fathers jaw dropped to the floor. "you didnt fuck my mother did you?" "why not" the son replied, "you fuck mine!"

ggggg

Sing a song of bum sex
A rectum full of cum
Four & twenty fat cocks
Forced up your bum

When the orgy's over
And your bum begins to sting
Wasn't it a bad idea
To take it up the ring

Nose Pickin' & Grinnin'

Deep Salvage Pick
Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.
Utensil Pick
When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.

Extra Pick
When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equaled by winning the lottery.

Depression Pick
When your sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.

Pick A Lot
What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.

Kiddy Pick
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!

Camouflaged Kiddy Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.

Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting....

Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.

Pick And Flick
Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.

Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

Pipe Cleaner Pick
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

 

[melody]

Male Bashing...Q's & A's

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

 

[melody]

The Big Sneeze

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."


The band didn't know they were born,
Till they were led by majorette Dawn,
The drummer, conductor and trombonist fucked her,
Whilst the buglist watched with his horn.
Half a pound of nuts and bolts,
half a pound of plastic,
Put them in a slot machine,
and out pops a spastic.


Two faggots were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at the
gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable
to contain himself one of the men reaches in to touch it.
As soon as his arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him, and takes
him into the cage... slams him to the floor and fucks him senseless.
A few days later in hospital the boyfriend visits and asks his partner
if he is hurt...
"Hurt... Hurt... You bet I'm hurt. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."

 

[melody]

Bull Service

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money
from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to
see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just
eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a
veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer
looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through
the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows.". "Wow," says the
banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?". "Just gave him some pills,"
replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like
peppermint."
-----------------------------------------------
A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a
respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary
society.
After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the
more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception. "William,
what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?" "Oh, those are
just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."
"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give
us an apple!"

Anniversary

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night
the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little
negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and
says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same
negligee the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night."
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asks.
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm
going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out."
She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you
said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that
night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, "Mission
Accomplished."
----------------------------------------------------
A guy goes into a bar and notices a gorgeous young woman in the tightest
pants he's ever seen.
The guy can't help asking, "How does a person get into those pants?
She smiles. "Well, you could offer to buy me a drink first".

 

[melody]

A blond stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?" asked the librarian.

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh! You must be the person who took our phone book."

-----

Some come here to sit and think
Some come here to shit and stink
I come here to scratch my balls
And read the writing on the walls

-----

How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
Spit.

Why are pubic hairs curly?
So you don't poke your eye out.

-----

Bill's wife asked him to go to the video store and get
'Scent of a Woman' the other day. She hit him over
the head when he came back with a 'Fish Called
Wanda'.

-----

Q. What do you call three lesbians in bed together?
A. Ménage é twat.

Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A. Erection Sets.

Q. Where do fags park?
A. In the rear.

Q. What's a necrophilia's biggest complaint about sex?
A. They just kinda lay there.

Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
A. "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"

Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Quickies

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
*
Q. What's the room called where enlisted women blow the officers? A.
Headquarters
*
How do you make a cat drink?
Throw it in the blender and remove the furry parts.
*
Q. What's worse than a cardboard box?
A. Paper tits.
*
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?
Your last blow job ... ever!
*
If you could wag your penis the same way a dog wags his tail,it would
add a whole new meaning to "I'm so happy to see you!"
*
The surest way to remain a winner is to win once, and then not play any
more.
*
Groaner: Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!
*
Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change?
A. A tran-sister.
*
Q. What's better than hugging a doggie?
A. Kissing a pussy
*
The Geography of a Man:
Between 15 and 99 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a prick
*
Q: What's the most popular bra size in the nursing home.
A: 38 long..
*
My ex-wife was so cold that when you spread her legs a little white
light came on!
*
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart
*
Warning label on a drum of industrial-strength detergent:"If you
cannot read English, do not use this product until label has been
explained to you."
*
Husband: "How about a little action tonight, honey?"
Wife: "Over my dead body!"
Husband: "How else?"
*
When push comes to shove... somebody's gonna figure out that "push" and
"shove" mean the same damn thing.
*
Why do women get their belly buttons pierced?
Where else would they hang the air freshener.
*
Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a person to use
the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
*
Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.
*
It is well known...
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.
*
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there's nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die...

 

[melody]

I'll tell you a short poem;
I'll try to make it quick.
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things;
You ladies should be jealous.
An organ surrounded by sensitive skin
That's smooth and rarely hairless.

It starts to grow dramatically,
When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side;
Your willy in between.
It dangles neatly down below;
Soft, obedient and loyal.
At the slightest hint of lust,
It's ready to uncoil.

Handle it with love and care;
For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend?
And when did you last measure?

Some people fret about its size;
They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes guys quite distraught.

They peek across in urinals,
To compare and try to see
But if another glances back at them
There's no way that they can pee

Without this fabulous organ,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best;
But must admit defeat.

It has two main bodily functions,
I'm sure you'll all agree,
To start a whole new life,
And of course, daily to pee.

But I think the thing that's marvellous;
About that one eyed brute
Is that when its trying to procreate,
It knows which fluid to shoot.

It remains with you;
Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.




I want to take you into my mouth
and taste your sweet flavor.
My tongue dances around your thickness,
sliding down the length of you.
I take all of you in slowly.
Deep sighs fill the air
and your body quivers in ecstasy.
Your fingers become tangled in my long hair
as your mind tries to fight the urge to release.
You want the feeling to last forever.
But your body betrays you.
You give in to my sensuous manipulations
as I drink you in eagerly,
careful not to miss one drop.
Not a trace of your pleasure left behind,
only your limp body lying on the bed.
Weakened, sweating, breathing heavily
Rest for the moment my love.
My hunger for you is not yet satisfied.


A guy goes into a bar and picks up a tall woman.
After a night of drinking and dancing they go back to his place.
She unzips his fly and starts playing with his dick.

"Wow," he says, "you really know how to handle a dick!"

"I should," she replies, "I used to have one."

Sexual Education

A math teacher gets called to the principal's office one day and the principal says to him, "We need a new Sex-Ed teacher and you are it."
The Math teacher exclaims, "But I have never taught Sex-Ed before what am I going do?"
The principal replies, "Well, you have until Monday to think of something, because that is when the class starts."
The math teacher decides that he is going to use flash cards to teach the Sex-Ed class, because they have worked extremely well in teaching his math class.
On Monday morning, the teacher is feeling very confidant. He walks into the room, and begins to teach the class. He holds up the first flash card and asks, "Can anybody tell me what this is?"
Little Jill stands up and replies, "That's a breast and my mommy has two."
The math teacher says, "That's right Jill! It is a breast, and your mommy does have two."
The math teacher grabs the next flash card and asks, "Can anybody tell me what this is?
Little Bobby raises his hand and replies, "I know. That is a dick, and my daddy has two."
The math teacher says, "That's right Bobby it is a dick, but your daddy only has one."
Little Bobby stands up and says, "Nope my daddy has two! He has a small one that he uses to pee, and a big one that he brushes mommy's teeth with."

22222

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

 

[melody]

Italian Truisms

* Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Italians hate all witnesses.
* Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said - TO NY.
* You know you're Italian when . . . . You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
* You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit twocappicola sandwiches,
4 oranges,2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
* Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
* You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
*You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
* You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
* If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his mother had an affair.
* There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
* You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:
* Your grandfather had a fig tree.
* You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
* Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
* Your mom's meatballs are the best.
* You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
* Plastic on the furniture is normal.
* You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."
* You fight over whether it's called, "sauce" or "gravy."
* You've called someone a "mamaluke."
* And you understand "bada bing"

Ten Signs He Wants To Get Laid

1. Watching a nature show where animals fornicate, he keeps winking and
doing the eyebrow thing.

2. When you ask him what kind of car he likes to drive, he solemnly
replies, "The skin bus to tuna town," and then laughs until he cries.

3. You note that integrity is so important in a man, he notes that what
he looks for in a "chick" is "you know."

4. He whispers,"you' re beautiful," to your thighs, then glances up at
your face and says, "oh you, too."

5. When you comment on the rarity of men these days who seek mature
relationships, he giggles quite a bit.

6. In conversation with others, he refers to you as his "quality tail."

7. Washing dishes after you've cooked him dinner for the first time,
you reach behind you to take the paper towels off the paper-towel rod
and then realize that you don't own a paper-towel rod.

8. When you're insulted by his "motel" suggestion at the end of your
first date, he looks impressed and says, "hotel."

9. When you proudly recount your glorious high school valedictory
speech to him, he praises "your multi-talented mouth."

10. When you tell him what you do for a living, he stares at your
breasts and loudly asks, "What do they do?"

There were two gay guys living together.

One was more feminine and the other more masculine. The masculine one
lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So,
one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and
if there was something he could do about it.

Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really
the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline
all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough
to produce hair.

The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and
smothered his chest in V-gel. When his partner came home and jumped into bed with
him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"

The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment
from his partner.

Finally, his partner said, "Don't you think if that was true that you
would have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now?"

 

[melody]

"What's That?"

A young girl walks in and sees her mother in the shower. She asks, "What's that, mommy?"
The mother says, "It's a vagina."
So the girl says, "When will I get one of those?"
"When you're a teenager," the mother replies.
Later on, the little girl walks in on her father while he's showering. "What's that, daddy?"
"It's a penis," he replies.
"When will I get one of those?" she asks.
The father says, "As soon as your mother leaves for work."
=======
A gay guy walks into a bar and sits in the corner. A straight guy walks into the bar and says to the bartender "I'm so thirsty I could lick a cows balls!" Then the gay in the corner goes "moo!!"
========
Remember how you used to blow Bubbles when you were little? Well, he's back in town!
=======
After this horny guy dropped his pants,
the chick was dismayed to see that he had
only a 2-inch dick.
"Who the hell do you think you gonna satisfy
with that?" she demanded.
"Me" said the guy, with a smile.
======
A Tasmanian girl asked her dad if she could borrow his car that night so she could go
out with her friends. Her father replied "only if you suck my dick." The daughter thought
about this and decided she really needed the car, so she said alright. As she was sucking
she stopped and said "YUCK! this taste like shit!" to this her father replied "Oh, I forgot
to tell you, your brothers got the car tonight!"
=======
A bloke walked up to a spunky
woman and said, "Excuse me, can
I smell you cunt!"
"Most certainly not!" she replied
"Then it must be you feet." he said.

Top Ways To Piss Off A Man

*Tell him he has to recite a Shakespeare love sonnet before you agree to
do the horizontal bop.

*Tell him his brother is a better lay.

*Tell him his sister is better in bed than his brother is.

*Take the remote control apart and damage the circuit board inside. Put
the remote back together. Smile sweetly while he goes nuts.

*Create an email account in his best friend's name. Email him suggestive
letters and sign it, Love, Floyd.

*Rub his stomach. Say "Bhudda, Bhudda, bring me luck."

*Fake an orgasm while riding in the car and stopped at a stop sign.
Double points if the car is parked outside his favorite bar.

*Subscribe to Woman's World, Cosmo and Redbook. Make the
subscription in his name.

*Call your mom. While he's listening, invite her to move in with you.

*Buy 1 ticket to his favorite, sold-out sporting event. Say, "It was the
last one, but to prevent any hard feelings, I'll just tear it up so we
don't have to decide who goes." Burn the ticket.

*Out of the blue, look him straight in the eye and say, "It doesn't
matter." Ignore him for 30 minutes.

*Tell him your pregnant and you *think* he's the father.

*Write a letter to another guy during sex.

*Tell him you shoved $200 in $1 bills into a Chippendale dancer's shorts the
last time you went out for a night on the town with the girls.

*Clean his tools with his favorite shirt.

*Give him all kinds of fabulous promises about the best blowjob he's ever
had. Just before you start, say "DAMMIT! Chipped a tooth. Oh, well, it
won't matter."

*Tell him you've invited some friends over to play strip poker. Then say
that his golf/fishing/hunting/poker/drinking/etc. buddies should be here
any minute.

*Tell him you've always wanted to be a man and you finally have enough
money saved up for the operation. Triple points awarded if you say it in
front of his parents.

*Tell him you want to be closer to him all the time, so from now on your
gonna use ONLY his razors to shave your legs.

*Burn his favorite meal, three times in a row. Make a salad in its place.

*Tie him to the bed. Paint his toenails bright red.

*Tie him to the bed. Put on your sexiest lingerie. Do a striptease for
him. Then have a long, heart-to-heart talk with him.

*Tie him to the bed. Put on an adult movie with the sound on and the
screen turned at an angle that makes it VERY difficult to see.

 

[melody]

Playing Swords

Little Johnny and his friend Billy were sitting on a street curb, bored to shit.
"Let's play swords!" Little Johnny says.
"Swords?" asked Billy. "How?"
"Simple," explains Little Johnny,
"Take off yer pants, grab yer cock, smack it till it's hard, then we whack'em together like they're swords!"
So they do, and they run up and down the street, smacking their dicks together playing swords. Then a gay man walks up to them. "What are you two boys doing?" he asked.
"We're playing swords!" yells Little Johnny,
"Wanna play with us?"
The gay man says yes, he would like to play too, so he drops his pants and joins in on the action.
An hour later, the gay man was becoming exhausted.
"I'm too tired to go on," he says, bending over,
"Just kill me so I can go home!"
----------
Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady
answers, and he says, "Collect... that'll be five dollars."

She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you
sex instead."

Johnny says, "All right."
He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the
biggest dick she's ever seen...

Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge
washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.

She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."

He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."

 

[melody]

Country Road

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports
car when the car breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a
farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.

When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car
broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until
I can get some help tomorrow?

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you
messin’ with my sons Jed and Luke."

She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind
the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she
says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think
about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into
their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the
ways of the world?”

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these
condoms." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all
night long.

Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking
back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?"

Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty
years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah" says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these durn condoms off."

;-) :~) ;-) : ~) :-

A pretty young lady named Vogel,
Once sat herself down on a molehill,
A curious mole,
Nosed her in the hole,
Ms. Vogel's OK, but the moles ill!

 

[melody]

Having Breakfast

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty
years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as
a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal.'

9999

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me,
madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that
your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," s
aid the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then
back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down
there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

9999

Lionel takes Freda to their doctor for a check-up. After the doctor finishes examining Freda, he takes Lionel aside and says, "I don't like the look of your wife at all."
"I don’t either, doctor," says Lionel, "but she's really very good with the children and she’s a great cook."

 

[melody]

Shortly after Mr. Johnson died, his wife got a phone call from the mortuary. The mortician told her that he had a problem closing Mr. Johnson's casket because he died with a hard-on. Mrs. Johnson said she'd be right down and take care of it.
When she arrived, she took out a knife from her purse and cut off Mr. Johnson's penis. As she was leaving with the penis, the mortician asked what she was going to do with it. She said come with me I'll show you.
When she got home she took a frying pan and some butter and began to sauté the penis. Shocked beyond belief the Mortician asked her why she was cooking the penis. She said "I've eaten this raw for 30 years, I want to see what it tastes like cooked!!"
::::::::::::::
Sheri's husband was about to rake the leaves when he noticed that the rake was missing. He looked at his wife through the window getting ready to take a shower. He whistled to get her attention and asked her where the rake was. She didn’t understand so he pointed to his eye (I), knee (need), and motioned like he was raking the leaves. Sheri said Oh. Then she told him where it was, but he couldn’t understand. So she decided to use sign language also. So she pointed to her eye, her left breast, her booty, and her pussy. He still didn’t understand so she did the motions again. Finally he couldn’t take anymore, so he went in the house, to the bathroom and asked her what she said. She said," I LEFT IT BEHIND THE BUSH!"
:::::::::::::
There is a hot dog, a cucumber, and a dick. The hot dog said, "My life is very bad. People put catsup, mustard, and relish and then they eat me." Then the cucumber said "My life is worse, People chop me up put me in dill brine and pickle me." Then the dick said, "My life is the worst ever! They shove me into a plastic tube, put me in a tunnel and make me do jumping-jacks until I puke."
::::::::::::::
One night, a man and his wife were watching TV. It was about breast implants.
The wife said:” I wish I had bigger breast” the man said:” you don’t have to get
silicone breasts, just wipe between your breast with toilet paper”. How would
that work the wife asked? The man said: well, you have been wiping your butt for 50
years and its got bigger!!!!!!!