JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Wetting Problem

This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she
decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her
to go and get undressed and wait for him in the
other room. When the doctor goes into the room he
tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror.

She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the
mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests
his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror.
After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady
to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will
talk to her when she is dressed.

The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what
is wrong with her.

He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before
she goes to bed.

The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in
front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."


What's the worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night?
"I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away."

=====

On TV, the commercial says that 8 out of 10 people suffer from
Hemorrhoids.
Does this mean the other 2 people enjoy them?

=====

Little Johnny’s mom was six months pregnant with her third child.
Little Johnny came into the room when she was just getting ready to get
into the shower.

Little Johnny said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

His mother replied, "Yes honey, remember, Mommy has a baby growing in
her tummy."

"I know," Little Johnny replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"

Hot Tub Tips For Women

It is not lady like to straddle a water jet, moan in
ecstasy, then scream at the top of your lungs "Oh yes baby!"

Washing your partners back is sexy, washing your pantyhose is not!

Group nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience, but
don't spoil things by making snide remarks like "I've seen bigger
wangs on Hamsters"

It's OK to pass a joint while tubbing, it's not OK to pass gas.

Don't think you're fooling anybody by trying to pass off your
vibrator as a toy submarine.

lllll

The little boy asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replied, "The stork brings them."
The boy, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the storks?

lllll

WHY DON`T BLONDES LIKE ANAL SEX?
They don`t like their brains being screwed with.

Why did the blonde cross the road?
Never mind that, what was she doing out of the bedroom?

lllll

Three hillbilly's sitting around talking about their wives one day,
First hillbilly say's "my wifes so stupid , she bought a new washer and
dryer and we don't even have electricity",
Second hillbilly says,"awe that aie'n nothin, my wifes so stupid she
bought a new dishwasher and we don't have runnin' water",
Third hillbilly says "that ain't nothin, I looked in my wifes purse
yesterday and she bought a whole bunch of condoms, and she ain't got no
penis!"

Filthy Jokes

A father was discussing the "birds and the bees" with his son. He asked his son if he had any questions.
"Dad, what do a woman's private parts look like?"
The father thought for a moment and said: "son, before sex it looks like the softest petal on the most beautiful pink rose."
"What about after sex?"
The father thought a little longer: "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaisse?"

`````
Writing I saw on my bathroom wall:
I fuck her low,
I fuck her high,
I fuck her wet, I fuck her dry,
And when she's dead and long forgotten,
I'll dig her up, and fuck her rotten!

`````
Dear Abby,
I've been going out with this girl for a couple of weeks now and I really like her and want to take the relationship to the next level. I have one problem though. On our first date she told me she was sick, but I can't remember if she said she had TB or VD. What should I do?
Lovelorn, Portland, OR

Dear Lovelorn:
If she coughs up a lot of phlegm and blood, fuck her.

`````
Singa song of syphilis,a fanny fulla crabs
Four and twenty blackheads, twice as many scabs
When the scabs pop open, heads began to sing
Wasn't that a dirty cunt, to stick your penis in.

`````

My young son asked me what happens after we die.
I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.
I guess I should have told him the truth, that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally while demons rip the rotting flesh from our bodies, but I didn't want to upset him.

 

[melody]

Lena And Sven

Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul.
They planned to honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth.
They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters.
About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel.
Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right here.
How about consummating our marriage?"
Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road,
it broke down again.
This time it was next to a good looking motel.
Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's a nice motel.
Can ve consummate our marriage?"
Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
The bus was repaired and off they went.
Ten miles down the road,
the bus broke down. This time they were out in the woods.
However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus.
Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the voods and do it."
Later when they returned to the bus, Sven asked Lena,
"Earlier ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said "No".
Then, ve vere by a motel and you said "No".
But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it. Why?"
Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters.
They said if the bus broke down again, the fucking season vould be over."
__________

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God and I didn't.

*******
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
What do outhouses and candy have in common?
If there's no hole, it's not a lifesaver.

*******

John: "So how often do you have sex with your wife?"

Jim: "Oh, four or five times a week."

John: "That's more often than I get it!"

Jim: "Well, it should be... after all, she's *my* wife."

*******

Two deer were gossiping about the doe down the road.
"I'm not saying she's promiscuous," said one, "but
there's a sign outside her place that reads,
"The buck stops here."

*******

A teenage girl walked into a bank with several glass jars
filled with quarters. After running them through the
automated counting machine, the teller announced,

"That came out to $793.75. Tell me, young lady, how long
have you been hoarding all those quarters?"

"All year," replied the girl, "but my sister whored half of them."

Just Married

A young couple, just married, was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait and see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, 'Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off.'

Jill said, 'Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Charlie was telling his tale of woe to his boss. He said, “I was so drunk last night that
I don’t know how I got home. Not realizing it was my bed I slept in when I awoke, I handed the woman next to me a $20.00 bill.”
“Is that what’s making you sad?”
“No,” said Charlie. “It was my wife I gave the $20.00 to, but she gave me $10.00 change.”

 

[melody]

Confession

A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has AIDS."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"
__________

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door,
Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is,
if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard,
then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole,
then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else,
I lick the lock."

Being Kinky

A gentleman walks into the bar and takes his seat.
As the bartender serves him a Scotch, he notices
A Solid ten at the other end of the bar.
Motioning the barkeep he says get the young lady
Whatever she would like. He serves her up, she
Nods her approval and motions for our hero to join her.
They exchange pleasantries and soon discover they
Are both recently divorced and quite lonely.
Deciding to press on the young man explains that
His divorce came as a result of his total
Preoccupation with kinky sex.
At this admission our heroine's eyes light up
And she exclaims what a wonderful coincidence
Is occurring because that is exactly the reason
Her husband had left her.
She demurely whispers, " Let's drink up and go
To my place around the corner to explore our mutual desires.
He takes a last gulp, not believing his incredible
Fortune, and says "Lead on!!"
Arriving at her loft she purrs " Make yourself at home
While I change into something more playful"
She disappears into the bedroom and in five minutes
Reappears in only a Black leather teddy, eight inch
Red stiletto pumps and wielding a Cat 'O' Nine tails.
Just in time to find His nibs reaching for the front door!!!
"My Goodness", she exclaims, "I thought you loved Kinky Sex!
What's the matter? "
" Nothing." he groans, " I just screwed your poodle
And shit on your couch!"

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

She said, "Give me eight inches and make me bleed!" So I fucked her four times with my 2 inch dick and punched her on the nose! Later she said, "Give me eight inches and make me moan!" So I fucked her four more times with my 2 inch dick and kicked her in the stomach! Later she said, "Give me eight inches and make my head explode!" So I fucked her four more times with my 2 inch dick and blew her fucking head off with a shotgun!
She didn't ask me for sex after that, but it's a lot better now!

 

[melody]

Hallmark Cards You'll Never See

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.
2. My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat...
when I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat. Sorry.
3. You had your bladder removed,
and you're on the mends...
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
4. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
5. Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it,
She moved in with me.
6. Your computer is dead,
it was once so great...
Don't you regret installing
Windows '98?
7. You totalled your car,
and can't remember why...
could it have been
that case of Bud Dry?

Better Definitions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women go to curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

What Women Want In Men

Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

 

[melody]

It's Going To Be A Rotten Day When...

*You wake up face down on the pavement.
*You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
*You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.
*Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
*You want to put the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
*You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
*Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
*Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angles onto the freeway.
*Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your hat.
*The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
*You wake up and your braces are locked together.
*You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
*Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
*Your income check bounces.
*You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
*Your pet rock snaps at you.
*Your wife says "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

ddddd

A guy went to his wife and said, "Guess what, I've found a great job. A 10am start, 2pm finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week in your hand!"
"That's great!" said his wife.
"Yeah, fucking unreal," the guy said, "you start on Monday!"

 

[melody]

Answering Service At The Mental Institution

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until
someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or
before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too
busy to talk to you."


There once was a girl they called Trish
Who was quite a delectable dish
Men savored her lips
Then brought bags of chips
For her pussy smelt strongly of fish
22222
Tina lay there spread eagle in bed,
Her eyes were rolled back in her head.
Not a sign of resentment,
Only total contentment,
Not screwed, she's been eaten instead.
22222
There once was a man from Peru
who fell asleep in a canoe
while dreaming of Venus
he played with his penis
and woke up all covered with goo

 

[melody]

Top 10 Reasons For Getting Out Of Sex:

10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.

9. We're out of paper bags for your head again.

8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to Big Foot.

7. You're 20 bucks short.

6. We're out of gin again.

5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.

4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.

3. I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier watching all those porno's.

2. Only if you put on this wig and act like a Chinese hooker.

1. Your gynecologist just called. You still have crabs, and you know I don't like seafood.
========
How do you get a lesbian to like you?
Don't be a dick.

What do lawyers and prostitutes have in common?
They're both paid to get you off.
"Daddy?" a young boy asked his dad, "How much does it cost to get
married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for mine."

Why do so many women fake orgasms?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

========

One morning a husband a wife were having breakfast together when the
wife said to her husband,
"You know the neighbor lady told me she and her husband have sex every
day. Why can't you do that?"

The husband replied, "Because, I hardly know the woman."

 

[melody]

Dog Food

A middle aged woman stopped at the local grocery store each day for
months, she always bought just one large can of dog food. One day the
grocery clerk ask the woman what kind of dog she had? she replied, I
don't have a dog, my husband eats this for his lunch each day and he
likes it. The clerk said, madam this is not fit for human consumption,
it could make him sick, maybe even kill him. The woman purchased the
dog food and left.
This continued daly for months, then she stopped coming into
the store. Several week later she stopped in and bought a loaf of
bread, the clerk ask if she wanted any dog food, she replied,
no, my husband passed away several weeks ago. The clerk said I tried to
warn you, that dod food could kill your husband. The woman said, OH,
the dog food had nothing to do with it, he was crossing the road and
stopped to lick his ass, and was hit by a car.

The blonde teen-age girl had long been infatuated with a popular local
disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open
house.
When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her
into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants. "I suppose you know what
this is?" he whispered.
"I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her
mouth,
"I'd like to say hello to Ricky,Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at
Danny's Pizzeria."

He says, "Hey Dad! What are you doing?"
His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says,"Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets
better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."

Masquerade Party

A dark skinned man and his wife were going to a masquerade party in a couple
of days. The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for
them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom where
there laid out on the bed was a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a
dark skinned Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a
replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out
on the bed was a Batman costume.

He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a
dark skinned Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the
costume party."

By this time the wife is irate, so the next morning she goes shopping. When
the husband comes home again from work there laid out on the bed are three
items. One is a set of three white buttons, another is a white belt, and the
third item is a 2 x 4 of wood.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "You can take your clothes off and take the three white
buttons and put them on the front of you and go as a domino, and if you don't
like that one, you can take the belt and put it on and go as an Oreo cookie.
And if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as
a fudgesickle."


Q: What's the best way to get a man to remember your
anniversary?
A: Get married on his birthday.
~~~
Q: How does a blonde make up her mind?
A: She puts lipstick on her forehead.
~~~
They say..."Love thy neighbor as thy self."
What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?

Q. If having your appendix out is an appendectomy and
having your tonsils out is called a tonsillectomy..
What do you call a woman having a sex change?
A. A Giveadictomy.

 

[melody]

Nasty Little Johnny

The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want
everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any
homework."

The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."

Mary says, "The sky is very dark...perhaps it's going to rain."

The teacher says, "Very good, Mary." She calls on Little Johnny in the
back.

Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her
music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they
were gonna shit on the piano."


Mom took little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doc. said, "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny said, "It's that damn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are
too darned sharp....
=====
A Dog's Motto
If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it.
=====

Q: What do most sheep die of in New Zealand?
A: Broken necks from the farmers trying to turn their heads to kiss them
while they are fucking them....


Johnny's class is on a field trip to the farm.
The teacher asks, "Can anyone tell the class what that is?" (pointing)
Mary replies, "That is a sheep, it has wool."
Teacher "Very good, Mary. now who knows what that is?" (points)
Freddie; "That's a cow. it has milk."
This repeats for all the animals and most of the implements of the farm.
Finally teacher points at an object on the barn roof, "and who knows what
that is?"
Johnny; "That's a weathercock. it tells the wind direction."
Teacher; "And why is it called a weathercock?"
Johnny; "cause if it was a weathercunt, the wind would blow through it
and nobody'd know shit."

Greasy Spoon

A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup. "What's this?!?!?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not payin' for it!" and he storms out... The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whorehouse across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto. The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!???" the waitress yells. He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah!... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't payin' for it EITHER!!!!!"

^^^^^

Q: What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the
Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
A: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection

Q: Why were blondes given bigger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump men's legs at parties.

Q: Did you hear about the new porno movie?
A: It's about a girl whose clitoris is in her ear ... it's called: "Cum
Again?"

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.

Q: Why does a blonde always drive a BMW?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why don't blondes like vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the
battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

 

[melody]

Snow Whites Mission

Ever wonder how the seven dwarfs got their names?

Miss Snow White was a randy cow,
And desperate for a fuck.
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck!

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke.
Then stumbled on a cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven Dwarfs came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven!
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My cunt now needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop you prick!"

So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that!"
"Not there, that me ass-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL!
Unless you're fucking queer!"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho"
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling,
'Cos he hadn't had a sniff.
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY idiot",
So he did as he was told.
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow
And she took him in quite easy.
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner had he entered her,
Than he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY idiot"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her cunt raw.
And dazed Snow White then whimpered,
"That should be against the law!"

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big dick."

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My cunt can't take no more.!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had put their cocks.
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last one DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's what happened to that cup?
Well think of what you're drinking...
When you next buy 7-UP

 

[melody]

Rules That Guys Wished Girls Knew

1) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2) Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.

3) Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can
find the perfect present!

5) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

6) Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

7) Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.

8) Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every
other cat.

9) Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

11) Shopping is not sport.

12) Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13) You have enough clothes.

14) You have too many shoes.

15) Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16) Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's
way past idiot.

17) Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18) No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on
a calendar.

19) Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range.
We're bound to miss sometimes.

20) Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23) Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

24) Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25) Check your oil.

26) Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27) Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29) Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments become null and void after 7 days.

30) If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

31) If something we said can be interpreted makes you sad and angry, we
meant the other one.

32) Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty
you are?

33) Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34) You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done-but not both.

35) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

36) Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

37) Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.

38) Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39) Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes
you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading
the magazines.

40) The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we were going out.

 

[melody]

Fat Head

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad
says "I'll have a chocolate." The wife says "I'll have a vanilla."
Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says
"What do you want fat head?"
The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back of
the head and call him fat head?"
The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants:
The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice
big truck sitting there (outside) that's my nice truck!!!
The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You
seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town?
That's my big house!!!
The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy,
and I had that until fat head came along!!!"


Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm,
And then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are
Crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points
Out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one man says to the other.
"All these unhappy children and ours is so happy?"

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now.
But just watch what happens when we take
The pacifier out of his ass."

 

[melody]

Dictionary For Women's Personal Ads

40-ish.............................................49
Adventurous................ Slept with everyone
Athletic..................................... No tits
Average looking.................... Ugly
Beautiful.......................... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................. Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure...................... On medication
Feminist.......................................... Fat
Free spirit.................................... Junkie
Friendship first......................... Former slut
Fun......................................... Annoying
New-Age............ Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned............................. No BJs
Open-minded................................ Desperate
Outgoing...................... Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate............................... Sloppy drunk
Professional.................................... Bitch
Voluptuous.................................. Very Fat
Large frame................................. Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate............................... Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

 

[melody]

Rules To Determine If Sex Counts

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex
counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if
you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following
day, doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more
sex, doesn't count

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another
thing you share

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave
my legs for this", doesn't count

7. An old flame, doesn't count

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count, refer to this as a
"pity fuck"

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the
same, sorry, not sex...not cheating

10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex,
BUT only if you do not know their significant other

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't
count

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant
other, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a
skeleton in the family closet "...not cheating

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why
should it, it was public, right?)

17. Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified
masturbation"

18. In car, doesn't count, way too cramped, if vehicle is
in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts,
way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act
was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter
did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't
count

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not
been exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control)
doesn't count

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count
(not considered to be intimate)...not cheating

22. Any act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't
count, this should be referred to as "being neighborly"

24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are
angry with your significant other doesn't count

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't
count, this should be considered "getting acquainted".

26. An act with a US President doesn't count, unless the
Senate votes impeachment.

27. Any act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered
career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.

SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!

 

[melody]

Seminar

Rich had just returned from a week long seminar.
His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he
looked absolutely terrible.

"Well..." said Rich, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an
salesrep-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another
and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your
eyes so red?"

"Well..." said Rich, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She
started crying with remorse, and I started thinking about my own wife and
kids, so I cried too."

"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you
still appear so ragged?"

"Well..." said Rich, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four
days and not look like this."

COLOR]

Juggling Is Better Than Sex Because

You don't need a partner to juggle.

Having blue balls isn't a bad thing.

You don't have to worry about how many other people your partner has juggled with.

Jugglers aren't judged by the size of their balls.

You don't have to wear protection.

COLOR]

An elderly couple in a retirement community was surprised by a
knock on their door late one night. Jerry, the husband gets up to
answer the door, only to find a huge and intimidating man at the door.

"Oh, this is terrible, I'm going to be robbed and lose all my money!"
the old man screamed.

"I'm not a robber," said the man in disgust. "I am a rapist!"

"Oh, thank goodness!" said Jerry with much relief. Then he
shouted to his wife, ....." Elaine, it's for you!"

 

[melody]

Employee Performance Evaluation

Employee Name___________________

Date of Review____________________

KNOWELEGE:
1. The son of a bitch really knows his shit.
2. Knows only enough to be dangerous.
3. Only half a brain and is dangerous.
4. Fucking brain damaged. His coffee cup has higher I.Q.

ACCURACY:
1. Does excellent work is not preoccupied with women.
2. Pretty good; only occasionally blows it out his ass.
3. Has to take his shoes off to count higher than ten.
4. Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice.

ATTITUDE:
1. Extremely cooperative (Kisses ass frequently.)
2. Brown noser in poor standing.
3. Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it's his job.
4. Doesn't give a shit, never did, never will.

RELIABILITY:
1. Really a dependable little turd.
2. Can rely on him at evaluation time.
3. Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door.
4. Totally fucking worthless.

APPEARANCE:
1. Extremely neat; even combs his pubic hair.
2. Looks great at evaluation time.
3. Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch.
4. Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him.

PERFORMANCE:
1. Goes like a son of a bitch, if there is money in it for him.
2. Does OK around evaluation time.
3. Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes.
4. Couldn't do less work if he were in a coma.

LEADERSHIP:
1. Carries chain saw and gets good results.
2. Occasionally gets told to get fucked.
3. Mother Theresa tells him to get fucked.
4. Couldn't lead a pack of hungry wolves to meat.

I understand I have been evaluated and know my rights under the Privacy Act
of 1969. I further acknowledge I am as fucked up as a football bat and will
attempt to correct my deficiencies.

EMPLOYEE SIGNATURE________________

MANAGER SIGNATURE_________________

 

[melody]

You Might Be Po'White Trash If....

1) You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk
2) The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
3) You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.
4) Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
5) Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a
bath."
6) You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
7) You clean your fingernails with a stick.
8) You've ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately.
9) Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
10) You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table.
11) You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
12) There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
13) You ever got too drunk to fish.
14) You consider the fifth grade your senior year.
15) Directions to your house include, "Turn off the paved road."
16) The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
17) Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
18) You think the French Riviera is a foreign car
19) You prefer car keys to Q-Tips.
20) You've ever financed a tattoo.
21) The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot.
22) You've ever bought a used hat.
23) You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog.
24) You're considered an expert on worm beds.
25) You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
26) Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen.
27) "Bambi" made you hungry for rabbit.
28) You learned to drive in a monster truck.
29) You spit chewing tobacco in the plants.
30) Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
31) You believe books are bad luck.
32) You believe all-star wrestling should be an Olympic competition.
33) You believe all-star wrestling.
34) You recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck.
35) You think a "thesaurus" was a dinosaur.
36) You like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk.
37) Rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you "bring your
own."

---------- Post added at 06:04 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 12:05 PM ----------

Mummy, Mummy, What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up son and eat your cornflakes!

Mummy, mummy, I don't like the crunchy stuff in my soup!
Shut up son, I'm too busy to pour granddad's vomit through a sieve!
!!!!!
A guy pulls up in his car next to a very young boy and opens the window. "If I give you a sweetie will you come in my car?"
To which the little boy answers "If you give me the whole bag I will come in your face!"
!!!!!
Two vomits are walking down the street when one of them starts to cry.
"What's wrong with you?" asked the first vomit.
"Ohhhh," said the second vomit, "This is the area I was brought up in!"
!!!!!

Mummy, Mummy, when will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up son, you know that your grandma's cured from her yeast infection!

Why is having a good shit better than sex?
Because you don't have to kiss it afterwards!

What did the little girl say to the lesbian pedophile?
Can I go to bed now mummy?

What did one pedophile say to the other?
Have you got two five's for a ten?

What's the definition of gross?
When you open your refrigerator and your rump-roast farts at you.

What's grosser then gross?
Siamese Twins joined at the mouth, and one of them throwing up.

How do you cook kidney's?
You have to boil the piss out of them.

 

[melody]

Sandwiches

One day a mother and her son were sitting down watch TV. While the mother
was flicking through the channel, she turned to a porno channel.
"Mom, what are they doing?" the boy asked. "Making sandwiches," the mother
replied.
The next day they're sitting at the dinner table watching TV. and again,
the mother turns to a porno channel.
Son: "Mom, what are they doing? Mother: "They're making sandwiches, son."
That night the son gets up to get something to drink and the mother meets
him.
Son: "Mama, I know what you and daddy were doing!"
Mother: Really, son!
Son: "Yea. You guys were making sandwiches because, you still have
mayonnaise around your lips."

====================

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a prostitute?
A. At least with a pro, you get what you pay for.

Q. Why do men fart louder than woman?
A. Woman can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure.

Q. Did you hear the one about the redneck who couldn't tell the
difference between arson and incest?
A. He set fire to his sister.

Q. Did you hear about the new Japanese camera?
A. It's so fast it can catch a woman with her mouth closed.

====================

A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping. His tears
are streaming down his cheeks. An elderly lady passes by and feels
pity for him. "What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"
"It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens
we had yesterday..."
"That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily," Your father is a real
monster!'
"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that I could do it."

 

[melody]

How To Dump A Partner

I thought this standardized form would help simplify the ****** process and make it more business-like.


Dear _______________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition:

(Check those that apply)

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

___You have a hairy back.

___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.


Sincerely, _________________________________

 

[melody]

Rectum Stretcher

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10
miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side
lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to
the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we
all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what?

A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger,
then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then
four, then with my whole hand in.
work from side to side until I can get both hands
in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until
it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot
asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs. $45.00

Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS
======
There was a young lady of Michigan,
Who said, "Damn it! I've got the itch again."
Said her mother, "That's strange,
I'm surprised it ain't mange,
If you've slept with that son-of-a-bitch again."

There was a young fool name of Raines,
To get laid, he'd go to great pains,
Never a genius,
He thought with his penis,
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.