JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Things You Never Thought About

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about;
Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in, but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid
when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

The Legless Parrot

A man who is concerned about his wife cheating on him wants to catch her in the act. He doesn't have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop. There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale. The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: "This is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesn't have any legs, but he is very smart." The man asks, "If he doesn't have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?" "He holds on with his dick." the clerk answered. The man asks " How much?" "Since he doesn't have any legs, I'll sell him to you for fifty bucks."

The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home. He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work.

So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual. When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day. The parrot begins, "At eight o'clock this morning the mailman came...."Interrupting the man asks, "Yeah and what happened?" [parrot] “he came in the house..." Furiously, the man asked "And then" [parrot] "...and then he came into the bedroom..." Astounded the man impatiently asks, "What happened next?"

[parrot] "He began to take off his clothes and she hers..." "What happened after that!"

The parrot then replied, "I don't know I sprung a boner and fell off!"

*****

For a lark this strip joint has a contest, for the smelliest
cunt contest. So this Fat disgusting chick shows up with
her husband. She's so fat and lazy she has to be assisted
by her husband to the cunt stand. She blows the doors
out of this place because her cunt is so smelly. She wins
hands down. Her brave husband had stuck with her and
accepted the check for winning the contest. The
management couldn't help but ask, how do you stand the
smell. He says, "well when she first died two weeks ago,
it was pretty bad, but you get used to it."

 

[melody]

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots
a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow shit and dives down toward her. "Pardon me"
he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

*****

"My wife and I split up because we had too much in common," said the solitary
drinker to the bartender.
"Is that so?"
"Yeah - we both liked to eat pussy!"

*****

Q: Did you hear about the sluts’ party?
A: Every cunt was full.

*****

Who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman?
The woman, of course. Look at it this way. When your ear itches and you put
your little finger in it and wiggle it around, what feels better - your finger or your ear?

*****

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his
parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then
continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for
sucking my thumb!"

*****

This guy is eating this prostitutes cunt and he says, "this
tastes like rice pudding?"
"That's what all the boys say, but it's really maggots."

*****

Whore House Slogans

1. More Fuck for your Buck!

2. More Honey for your Money!

3. More Gash for your Cash!

4. More Hole for your Pole!

5. More Head for your Bread!

6. More Booty for your Looty!

7. More Strange for your Change!

8. She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!

9. Will suck for a buck!

10. We'll Tally Whack Your Ban !


Imaginary New Condom Brands:
Nike condoms - Just do it.
Toyota condoms - Oh what a feeling.
Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop.
KFC condoms - Finger-lickin' good.
J Ford condoms - The best never rest.
Bounty condoms - The quicker picker-upper.
Energizer condoms -It keeps going and going and going.
M & Ms condoms -It melts in your mouth, not in your hands.
Star Trek condoms - To boldly go where no man has gone before.
Why are condoms like cameras? - they both capture the moment.



A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence..........then a shot is heard.
The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what!

 

[melody]

Norman's Blonde Wife

Norman and his wife live in Cleveland. One winter morning while
listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going
to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplows
can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park ..." just then the power goes out, and Norman's wife
is very upset. With a worried look on her face she says, "Oh god,
I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to
park on so the plows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Honey, why don't you
just leave it in the garage this time?"


A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind.
After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed.
So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not
yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My
little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed
and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on
the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a
concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little
honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets
up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and
afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her
bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls
flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his
wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."

This 45 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed
laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth
do you think you're doing?"
She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts
of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45 year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied

hjkl;'

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the
pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they
stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would
you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr,
gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.

hjkl;'

"I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look
in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up;
What's wrong with me? He said ... I don't know but your eyesight is
perfect."

hjkl;'

A Polock who'd recently come to the United States walked into a bar
one day carrying a pistol, a bag of shit, and a dead cat. He asked the
bartender for a shot of rye. He downed the whiskey, picked up the
pistol, and fired three shots into the bag of shit. Then he picked up
the dead cat and started gnawing.
The bartender asked the Polock what the hell he thought he was doing.
I want to be like American man," the Polock said. "Drink whiskey,
shoot the shit, and eat pussy."

 

[melody]

Jeff Foxworthy's Redneck Test
You Might Be A Redneck If . . .

. . . the highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.

. . . the auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.

. . . you own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.

. . . your third-grade class has a no-smoking section.

. . . your wife left you for last year’s winner of the hog-calling contest.

. . . your flashlight holds more than four batteries.

. . . it took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class three times to pass his driving test.

. . . you cut your wedding cake with a chain saw.

. . . you cut your toenails in front of company.

. . . a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.

. . . your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

. . . you ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6.

. . . you hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.
. . . you use a bed sheet as a sofa cover.

. . . you use the shaving cream made for tough beards . . . and so does your husband.

. . . you regularly see kinfolks on “America’s Most Wanted.”

. . . you refuse to slide in softball because you don’t want to crush your cigarettes.

. . . the emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.
. . . your car has more than two exhaust pipes.

. . . people come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.

 

[melody]

Friends' Talking About Their Sons

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other
In 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had
To use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at
The bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
And Business Administration and soon began to
Climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president
Of the company. He became so rich that he gave
His best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific!
My son is also my pride and joy. He started working
For a big airline, and then went to flight school to
Become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in! The
Company, where he owns the majority of its assets.
He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand
New jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son
Studied in the best universities and became an engineer.
Then he started his own construction company and is now
A multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice
And expensive to his best friend for his birthday:
A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as
The fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
"What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride
We feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living
Dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame... What a disappointment. "
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed.
He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done
Too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago,
And he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion,
A brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from
His three boyfriends"


Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because her first period had started and she had no idea what it was.
The girl's teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggested Sheryl talk to her mom.
She was walking home when she ran into little Johnny.
"Why are you crying? Asked little Johnny.
"I'm crying because I'm bleeding," she replied.
"Give me a look," said little Johnny.
She lifted her skirt and showed him.
"Fuckin' hell!" said little Johnny. "No wonder you're bleeding, some bastard's cut off your cock!"

 

[melody]

Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything--I believe we should all live and
let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these
homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them
approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation
with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple
of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot
shower. The guy looked like a real man's man, too--big biceps, meaty thighs,
thick neck. He didn't seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started
sucking my cock, that is.

Where does this queer get the nerve to suck my cock? Did I look gay to him?
Was I wearing a pink feather boa without realizing it? I don't recall the
phrase, "Suck my cock" entering the conversation, and I don't have a sign
around my neck that reads, "Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My Cock."

I've got nothing against homosexuals. Let them be free to do their gay thing
in peace, I say. But when they start sucking my cock, I've got a real
problem.

Then there was the time I was hiking through the woods and came across a
rugged-looking, blond-haired man in his early 30s. He seemed straight enough
to me while we were bathing in that mountain stream, but, before you know
it, he's sucking my cock!

What is it with these homos? Can't they control their sexual urges? Aren't
there enough gay cocks out there for them to suck on without them having to
target normal people like me?

Believe me, I have no interest in getting my cock sucked by some queer. But
try telling that to the guy at the beach club. Or the one at the video
store. Or the one who catered my wedding. Or any of the countless other
homos who've come on to me recently. All of them sucked my cock, and there
was nothing I could do to stop them.

I tell you, when a homosexual is sucking your cock, a lot of strange
thoughts go through your head: How the hell did this happen? Where did this
fairy ever get the idea that I was gay? And where did he get those fantastic
boots?

It screws with your head at other times, too. Every time a man passes me on
the street, I'm afraid he's going to grab me and drag me off to some
bathroom to suck my cock. I've even started to visualize these repulsive
cock-sucking episodes during the healthy, heterosexual marital relations I
enjoy with my wife--even some that haven't actually happened, like the
sweaty, post-game locker-room tryst with Vancouver Canucks forward Mark
Messier that I can't seem to stop thinking about.

Things could be worse, I suppose. It could be women trying to suck my cock,
which would be adultery and would make me feel tremendously guilty. As it
is, I'm just angry and sickened. But, believe me, that's enough. I don't
know what makes these homosexuals mistake me for a guy who wants his cock
sucked, and, frankly, I don't want to know. I just wish there were some
way to get them to stop.

I've tried all sorts of things, but it's all been to no avail. A few months
back, I started wearing an intimidating-looking black leather thong with
menacing metal studs in the hopes that it would frighten those faggots off,
but it didn't work. In fact, it only seemed to encourage them. Then, I
really started getting rough, slapping them around whenever they were
sucking my cock, but that failed, too. Even pulling out of their mouths just
before ejaculation and shooting sperm all over their face, chest, and hair
seemed to have no effect. What do I have to do to get the message across to
these swishes?

I swear, if these homosexuals don't take a hint and quit sucking my cock all
the time, I'm going to have to resort to drastic measures--like maybe
pinning them down to the cement floor of the loading dock with my powerful
forearms and working my cock all the way up their butt so they understand
loud and clear just how much I disapprove of their unwelcome advances. I
mean, you can't get much more direct than that.

 

[melody]

Austin Powers Pickup Lines

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.

2. Nice legs...what time do they open?

3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher. Have you seen one?

8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

9. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

15. Are those real?

16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

19. (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.

20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

22. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?

34. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

35. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

36. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.

37. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

38. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

 

[melody]

Strange 'Facts' (?)

What occurs more often in December than any other month?
Conception.

Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it?
Skinny dipping.

What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show?
No theme song/music.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
Their birthplace. This is propinquity.

Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
Obsession

More women do this in the bathroom than men.
Wash their hands. Women * 80% - Men - 55%

What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
Gain weight.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell.
Banana

If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
One thousand

What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
All invented by women.

Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men.
Change their underwear.

This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.
A kiss

This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
Honey

There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year.
Father's Day

What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic?
He was allergic to carrots.

40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?
Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.
Wear underwear.

What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% carbon dioxide?
A fart.

About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting?
Flush the toilet.

What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"?
Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.

85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this.
Cheating on their wives.

 

[melody]

Dear Dr Ruth:

I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a
sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what
I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-mail on AOL,
etc. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f
unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'
cinsely ous mdyl
isnt';dk................................................................

@@@

Writing I saw on my bathroom wall:
I fuck her low,
I fuck her high,
I fuck her wet, I fuck her dry,
And when she's dead and long forgotten,
I'll dig her up, and fuck her rotten!
@@@
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic. She
says: What is that? He says: We go Home, screw, and then you disappear.

@@@

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?
MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.

@@@

Q: What is the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A: The toilet won't follow you around for three months when you're finished using it.

Q: What's the difference between a pedophile and a pediatrician?
A: The pedophile really loves children.

Q: Why is a turd better than a woman?
A: Because after you lay a turd you don't have to hug and kiss it.

Q: Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire?
A: It's for foul balls.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?
A: Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been colored in yet.

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So no one confuses them with feminists.

 

[melody]

"Mom, I'm pregnant," announced a sixteen year old one
morning in a belligerent tone of voice.

He mother paled.

"And it's all your fault," continued the girl.

"My fault?" gasped the mother. "I bought you books, showed you
pictures. I told you all about the facts of life."

"Yeah, yeah... but you never taught me how to give a
decent blow job, did you?"

yyyyy

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
And the cat died of electric shock.

yyyyy

Why did the queer get fired from the spermbank?
He got caught drinking on the job.

yyyyy

Seven year old Johnny was puzzled as to his origin. "How did
I get here, Mommy?" he asked.

His mommy said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you."

"Did God send you too, Mommy?" asked Little Johnny.

"Yes, Dear, He did." replied his mother.

"And Grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?" asked little Johnny.

Again the answer was "yes."

Little Johnny shook his head in disbelief. "Then you mean
to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200
years?....No wonder everyone is so fucking cranky"

yyyyy

A young boy is standing on a street corner swatting flies. Every time he sees a fly he utters, "fucking flies, fucking flies."
Just as the boy says it a shocked priest walks up and says, "You should not curse the flies because every one of God's creations has a purpose."
The little boy, unmoved by the priest's objection says, "bullshit."
"Well tell me 3 things on this earth that God has made without a cause" says the priest.
The boy looks at him with a grin and replies, "Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these fucking flies."

 

[melody]

Care Package

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's ding dong. After a few seconds, he blows his load in her pie hole and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

I love to suck a great big tit
inch by inch, bit by bit,
I love to see her big breasts bare
they make my cum fly through the air.

Oh goodness gracious what big boobs!
They make my cum spurt out in goobs!
Their great to lick and squeeze and suck
not to mention titty fuck!

They say that having such big boobs
are really just a waste
but it takes more than just a mouthful
to get the greatest taste!

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day.
His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

"That's right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

 

[melody]

I Just Love Fishing

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide.
One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."

"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"

A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."

"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."

The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."

"Yeah, but she's got pyorrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."

"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.


Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: When your girlfriend does a split and your best friends class ring falls out.


Q: What do you call a bloke with a one-inch dick?
A: Justin.


Q: How do faggots dispose of their condoms?
A: By Farting


Q: How do you make paper dolls?
A: Fuck an old bag.


Q: What'd you call a woman masturbating?
A: A bushwacker.

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot Chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

 

[melody]

Road Craze

A woman is crossing the road when she gets run over. She is lying on the
ground as the driver rushes out of the car to her.

"Are you alright?" he asks her.

"Everything is just a blur, I can't see anything" she says.

Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. "How many
fingers have I got up?" he asks.

"Oh No!" she replies, "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down
as well!"



"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'"

 

[melody]

Wacky Shorties

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the desert when a line of mounted Indians appeared to the right of them. They looked to the left and saw another line of mounted Indians. Behind them they saw another line of mounted Indians.

The Lone Ranger said, "Looks like we're in trouble, Tonto."

Tonto replied, "What you mean WE, white man?"

787878

When I was young and in my prime i used to jack off all the time now im
older with more sense I use a knot hole in the fence.

787878

There once was a lady called Pam
Who took a trip on a tram
The fucking conductor
Took out his constructor
And now she's wheeling a pram.

787878

Q : What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. Why is the space between a woman's tits and her hips
called a waist?
A. Because you could fit another pair of tits in the
space between them!

787878

This gay man takes his clothes off for an examination and the doctor sees that he is wearing a nicotine patch at the end of his penis and says, “Hmmm, that’s interesting. Does it work?”

“Sure does. I haven’t had a butt in three weeks!”

787878

*Yo mama's so nice, she'd give me the hair off her back.
*Yo mama's so nice, she blew me for a nickel when I didn't have enough for the $2 sex!
*Yo mama's really nice, all my friends think so too.
*Roses are red, Yo mom's lips are blue, she sucked off that Smurf and did me up too.
*Roses are red, lemons are sour, how many dicks yo mama suck in one hour?
*Roses are red, Yo mama's a witch, give her a quarter and she'll be your bitch.

 

[melody]

You Know It's Time For A Diet When:

*You dive into a swimming pool so your friends can go surfing.

*You have to apply your makeup with a paint roller.

*Weight Watchers demands your resignation.

*You step on a pennyweight scale that gives you your fortune and it
says, "One at a time please!"

*Your face is so full that you look like you're wearing horn-rimmed
contact lenses.

*The bus driver asks you to sit on the other side because he wants to
make a turn without flipping over.

*You're at school in the classroom and turn around and erase the entire
blackboard

*They throw puffed rice at your wedding.

*You hiccup in your bathing suit, and it looks like someone adjusting a
venetian blind.

*You fall down and try to get up, and in the process rock yourself to
sleep.

*You dance and it makes the band skip.

*You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

*You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

*You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

*Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

*You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

*You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

*You could sell shade.

*You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.

 

[melody]

Nasty Little Johnny And Suzy

Little Johnny came home from his hot date and sat down to talk with his
dad. He had a smile on his face. 'It must be true love, dad' he sighed.

'What makes you think that it is true love?' asks his dad.

'Well," says Little Johnny, 'Suzy started out giving me the best blow
job I've ever had.'

'Nah,' replied his dad, 'that's not true love, it is just lust.'

The next night Little Johnny came in after his date, and sat down again
to talk with his dad. 'For sure it is true love, dad.' he said.

'What makes you think that it is true love this time?' asks his dad.

'Well," says Little Johnny, 'Tonight Suzy gave me the best blow job of
my life, then let me take her up the ass!'

'That's not true love, Johnny,' replied his dad, 'that is just
infatuation.'

'If what Suzy and I have is just infatuation, then what is true love?'
asked Little Johnny, confused.

'Well,' says his dad, 'if it was true love, she would let you fuck her
up the ass first, then give you the best blow job of your life!'
-----
At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was
fingering herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and
the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his
hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both
hands.

"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.

"You were great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"
-----
Two gays are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his prick. "I sure wish I could do that," said the one gay. To which the other replied,
"Don't you think you ought to pet him first??"

 

[melody]

The Wino

A tramp finds a five pound note in the street. He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a bottle of white wine. After duly knocking back the plonk the tramp falls into a drunken torpor and collapses in a small alleyway.

About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramps hand.

Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favorite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions.

Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramps usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which the tramp responds, I quite like the white wine but it doesn't half make my fucking arse sore.


Blonde Moment!

Two drunk blondes are stranded in the middle of nowhere trying to get
home. The first blonde needs to take a piss bad so she tromps off into
the bushes.
After almost 10 minutes the second blonde begins to get worried and
heads into the field to look for the first. She walks for almost a
kilometer until she finally finds the first blonde.... kneeling beneath a horse,
sucking its cock.
"What in the world are you doing that for???" asks the second blonde.
The first blonde sucks her lips away from the huge cock and drools,
"Hold on, I think I may be able to get us a free ride home!"

 

[melody]

Pee Behind A Hedge

A couple's taking a walk, and as they walk hand-in-hand, the guy starts to get
aroused. He's just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind,
but I have to take a pee." He says, "Sure, go behind the hedge." She disappears
behind the hedge, and as he waits, he hears the sound of her jeans being rolled
down her legs and imagines her exposed twat. He can't contain himself, so he reaches
through a gap in the hedge and touches her leg. Then he moves his hand up her
thigh until he finds himself gripping something long and thick between her legs.
He says, "My God, Mary, did you change your sex?" She says,
"No, I changed my mind. I'm taking a shit instead."

jjjjj

A man gets sent to prison and, as soon as he walks in, his
huge, buff cell mate says to him, "We're gonna play house. Do
you want to be the mommy or the daddy?"

After thinking about it for a minute, the man slowly answers,
"Well, if I have to choose, I guess I'll be the daddy."

"OK," his cell mate says, "then get over here and suck mommy's
dick."

jjjjj

Q. How many chauvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None! Let the bitch cook in the dark!

Q: What do lesbians need to get married?
A: A licker license.

Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his arse.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world.
Those that want to get ahead, and those that just want to get head.

Did you hear about the blonde that gave the guy a blowjob while he was
driving?
They both fell off the motorcycle

Some popular camps

9. Lorena Bobbit's------ Camp Cutaweewee
8. Tanya Harding's------ Camp Wackaneenee
7. Austin Powers'------- Camp Shagyourbaby
6. Britney Spears'----- Camp Singoffkeekee
5. O.J. Simpson's------- Camp Killawifey
4. Michael Jackson's---- Camp Stealababy
3. President Clinton's-- Camp Getahoochie
2. Ellen Degeneres'---- Camp Lickacoochie
And the #1 camp to go to..
1. Monica Lewinsky's---- Camp Suckapeepee
*******
The nymphomaniac said to her friend "I've got an odd problem
every time I sneeze , I have a incredible orgasm."
Her friend asks "What are you doing about it?"
"Sniffing pepper
*******
Q. What's the difference between a mind and an ass?
A. A woman will always give you a piece of her mind.
Q. Why did God create man before woman?
A. Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before
creating your masterpiece.
Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Donuts.
*******
2 OLD MEN ARE HANGING OUT AT THE NURSING HOME. THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT HOW AGING IS GETTING TO THEM. THE FIRST OLD MAN SAID TO HIS FRIEND...

MAN, IM SHAKING SO BAD TODAY I COULDNT EVEN EAT MY SOUP WITHOUT SPILLING IT ALL OVER ME.

THE SECOND OLD MAN SAYS

WOW YOU THINK YOU GOT THE SHAKES BAD? WHEN I WAS TAKING A PISS I CAME 3 TIMES!

 

[melody]

Men Seeking Women
FREE CLASSIFIED ADS – Men Seeking Women

Unattractive, unemployed man with small penis seeks women with huge breasts, great body, angelic face, who loves kinky sex, is a great cook, and who is always in a good mood. Must love sports and be able to mow the lawn and do maintenance work around the house. Must make over $250,00 per year. Bi-sexual with sexy girlfriends is a plus. Please call 555-1212.

I want a blow job. No strings attached. Any woman will do. Could lead to steady work. Swallowing is a plus. Call Bob at 555-3267.

WANTED: Woman with vagina. 555-1435.

Suck my penis. 555-4678.

WANTED: Woman with huge tits. 555-8976.

WANTED: Woman who doesn’t bitch. Looks don’t matter. 555-8597.

YOU CAN HAVE MY WIFE. Doesn’t cook or clean. Overweight and unattractive. Never wears makeup or dresses up. Hates sex and men. Bitches all the time and has no tits. Huge ass. Wears lots of perfume to cover body odor. Serious perpetual yeast infection. Cross-eyed. Missing two front teeth. Chews tobacco. Many other postive qualities. 1st caller takes her. 555-2395.

Extremely handsome, rich, and sensitive man seeks extraordinarily beautiful woman with large breasts to perform oral sex daily, then do my laundry. Must be willing to work for free. 714-555-8623

Man seeks lingerie model for kinky sex. No experience necessary. Will train. 555-2740.

Shriveled old man with no money, looks, or hygiene seeks young attractive model to change my diaper. Will consider sex but only with exceptional beauties. 555-4759.

Dear Baby Doctor

Dear Baby Doctor,
What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be
beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?

A. Your therapist.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet
have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

A. Yes, your bladder.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A. Because you're fatter then they are.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?

A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a
Playboy centerfold?

A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me
in that delicate position?

A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies,
photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A. Yes, baby lips.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to
nurse.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
What are the terrible twos?

A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?

A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global
chemical warfare.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
What is colic?

A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
What are night terrors?

A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant
again.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?

A. When the kid is in college.

 

[melody]

Young Tim

Young Tim has just finished high school and, not being too bright, he wants to get a job at a local mechanic's workshop in Christchurch.

Tim spies this advert for a job in a Motor Spares Shop and hurries over. Unfortunately, when he steps in there are already 2 guys there before him.

Tim with tears in his eyes explains to the manager that he really needs the job. Manager looks at him and says, "You know what Tim - I'd really like to give you this job but see these two guys are here before you .. you're going to have be really something special to get this job you know!"

Tim thinks now, mmmm, and then he says, "well boss, there is one thing - if you take a spark plug and stick it into my arse - I can tell you what type of spark plug it is."

The manager goes "Wow .. that's something - lets test you out!"

So Tim turns around and drops his pants. The boss takes a Bosch spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... Bosch!!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, that's really something - but lets test you out again!"

He takes a NGK spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... NGK !!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, you're really good .. but, one more time - I need to be sure. "

Boss thinks now, lets catch this guy out! He unzips his pants, takes out his penis and sticks it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeeee .... Champion!!!"
========
A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.

Afterwards,the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.

"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."

The guy paled.

"If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"

"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."
========

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

Rogers' Motorcycle

Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle.
He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"
His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube."

Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.

As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."

When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.

They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops her right there on the dining room table.
Nobody says nothing.

He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her.

He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline.

Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking dishes."


A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.

"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."

"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."

"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.

"The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."