JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A lady with a duck under her arm gets on a train and takes a seat.
The guy sitting opposite her speaks up and says "That is the ugliest pig
I have ever seen". The lady replies "This is not a pig, it's a duck."
The guy then says, "Shut up you stupid bitch, I was talking to the duck."

@@@

This is a hole that never heals
The more you rub it the better it feels
And all the soap from here to hell
Can never get rid of that fucking smell

@@@

Q. What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A. A man will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. What's the difference between a man and a hog?
A. A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night long just
to fuck some pig.

Q: How can you tell if a crab is an insomniac?
A: It only sleeps in snatches.

Q: How do you get them out?
A: With corn chips.

Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.

Q: Why are women like screen doors?
A: Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.

Q: What do you call the space between the vagina and the asshole?
A: A Chin Rest.
Q: What do you call the useless flesh which surrounds a vagina?
A: A woman.

Women Bashing...

She goes to all parties incognito -- No leash

They even made a movie about her sex life --"The Night
of the Living Dead"

She's not pushing forty --She's dragging it!

I'm not saying she's fat --But I could have sworn I
heard her calves "moo"

She's been "Born again" --Trouble is, she came back as herself

I'm not saying she's narrow minded...Then again, she
only wears one earring

Although the doctor said she didn't have ulcers.
Her husband insists she's a carrier.

I'm not saying she's a pushy broad...But I hear she took
private lessons from Hillary

She inherited her beauty --Her Father left her the
family's drugstore

She sez her face is her fortune --I agree, but she oughta
keep it in a vault

I wouldn't exactly say she was fat --She's just a little
broad shouldered around the hips

Personally, I think she overdid the diet bit --She could
be a poster girl for a famine

She always sez "Talk is Cheap" --She oughta know; I think
she gets it wholesale


A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over there's nobody home."
I went over - nobody was home !!

I could never get girls. So to fool my friends, I'd go to a
drive in and do push ups in the back seat of the car.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night she used me to time an egg.

Q. How can you tell a female Hershey bar?
A. Its the one without the nuts
Q. What's the difference between dark and hard?
A. It stays dark all night.
Q. Why do men like blow jobs?
A. It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight.

 

[melody]

Dirty Q's & A's

Q: What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A: The drunk will drive through a stop sign while the stoner
will stop and wait for the stop sign to turn green.

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: 20 blind lesbians in a fish shop !!!!!

Q: What's the definition of a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.

Q: What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
A: "Nice Dick!"

Q: What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
A: Toy's for Twats.

Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would we know when to stop?

Q: What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
A: Both capture the moment.

Q: How is sex like software?
A: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.

Q: What is the definition of nothing?
A: When a man with an erection walks into a brick wall and
injures his nose.

Q: Do you know what a Yankee is?
A: The same thing as a quickie but you’re doing it by hand.

Q: Why can't lesbians wear makeup and go on a diet at the same
time?
A: Because it's hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your
face.

Q: How do you recycle a condom?
A: Shake the FUCK out of it!

Q: What's the best thing about Alzheimer's Disease?
A: You make new friends every day.

Q: Why did the faggot think his lover was cheating on him?
A: Because he came home shit faced.

Q: Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A: They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

Q: What does a camera and a condom have in common?
A: They both capture that magic moment.

Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Personal Ads From Men

What they really mean...

* 40-ish... 52 and looking for 25-year-old

* Athletic... Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

* Average-looking. .. Unusual hair growth on ears, nose
& back

* Educated... Will always treat you like an idiot

* Free Spirit... Sleeps with your sister

* Friendship First... As long as friendship involves
Nudity

* Fun... Good with a remote and a six-pack

* Huggable... Overweight, more body hair than a bear

* Like to cuddle.... Insecure, overly dependent

* Open-minded. .. Wants to sleep with your sister but
she's not Interested

* Physically fit... I spend a lot of time in front of
A mirror admiring Myself

* Poet... Has written on a bathroom stall

* Spiritual... Once went to church with my grandmother
On Easter Sunday

* Stable... Occasional stalker, but never arrested

* Thoughtful.. . Says "Please" when demanding a beer!


"My but you look different today Claudia." commented
Rene to her co- worker.
"Your hair is extra curly, and you have this
Wide-eyed look. What did you use -- special curlers
And some dramatic eye make-up ?"
"No !" replied Claudia. "My damn vibrator shorted out
This morning."

 

[melody]

Exclusive Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
One his first day there he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an
erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you
call for me?"

The man replies "No; what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that
if you get an erection it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the
sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward
him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart,
it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him
around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by
the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection
once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here.
____________

There were two doctors talking and one said, "I had a patient today
with a dick like a dill pickle."
The other doctor said, "It was that green?"
The first doctor said, "No, that sour."

Technical Support
Oh.... Some People Are Truly STUPID

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but
it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the
CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "Start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates .
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the
monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.................thank you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a, as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I can't get on the internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse,
it disappears.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I
get the circle around it?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a printer problem.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under
a window, and his printer is working fine."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And last but not least:

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle
of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the
Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

 

[melody]

Taking A Dump

I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven't, you need more fiber.....

The Perfect Dump:
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump:
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump: (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

The Empty Roll Dump:
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump:
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump:
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump:
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump:
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

The Cling-On Dump:
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump:
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

The Encore Dump:
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

The Houdini Dump:
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

CLUCK TWICE

Tom did like he always did, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and
falling to sleep. Suddenly he woke up with an elderly man dressed in
a white robe, standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you
doing in my bedroom? ...... and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and
you are in heaven."

"WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die .....
I'm too young." said Tom. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back
immediately."

"It's not that easy," pondered St. Peter, "you can only return as a
dog or a hen. You can choose on your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog
is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as
a hen." Tom replied.

In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really
nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow
........ then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on
the farm." he said. "How do you like it?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing
up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on.
Have you never laid an egg before?? Just cluck twice, and then you
push all you can."

Tom clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.

"Wow," Tom said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and
squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the
ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, "Tom, for
Christ's sake!!! Wake up ... you're shittin' all over the bed!"


A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

 

[melody]

Vegetarian Or Vegan

A friend of mine spreads some light on the vegan swallowing mystery...

Actually, the question of whether or not it is okay for a vegetarian or vegan to give BJs, and if so, if it was all right to swallow, the general consensus is:

1. It is perfectly all right to give BJs because no animal is harmed in the process.

2. It is okay to ingest sperm because it is not an animal.

Also, sperm is a good source of protein, something that is often lacking when meat is removed from the diet.

You're still my favorite lap dance,

Can you guys imagine ****** one of these gals?

I can see it in my mind's eye; your vegan girl comes home from work all worn out, craving your meat.

She looks at you and says, "I need to blow you. I haven't had enough protein today. I'm dizzy and weak and only a protein vanilla slurpee will do."

Damn. A breed of women who not only like performing oral sex, but consider it nourishment. I gotta get me a vegan.
___________

Little Johnny's father has to come to school to talk to the teacher.
Teacher: 'Sir, I'm sorry, but your son does absolutely nothing at
school, he fails every subject!!'
Dad: 'Except for drawing, he's a very good drawer.'
Teacher: 'That's correct, last week he drew a tiger on the chalk board
and the kids were so frightened I couldn't get them to enter the classroom'
Dad: 'That's nothing, last month he drew a pussy on the stove, I fuckin
burned my dick three times!!'

12-Step Internet Recovery Program

1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my
newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one
hand typing.

3. I will get dressed before noon.

4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and
plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few
friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the
Internet.

7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop
telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the
Internet.

9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for
email.

10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if
it is necessary or not.

11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to
balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
sometime... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

------------

A couple were going at it in a barn down on the farm.

In the process, the condom slipped off.

The guy pokes around inside her with a straw and manages to lose that too.

Nine months later the doctor enters the waiting room where the father asks him what the baby is.

Doctor replies "It's a little bastard dressed in a raincoat and a straw hat."

 

[melody]

The Story Of A Woman

A story of a woman who just turned 47 years old:

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have
a boyfriend.

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no
passion.

So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest
for life. In college I dated a passionate guy, but he
was too emotional. Everything was an emergency,
he was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a guy with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he
was boring. He was totally predictable and never
got excited about anything.

Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy
with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an
exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him.
He rushed from one thing to another, never settling
on anything.

He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone
he met. He made me miserable as often as happy.
He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with
his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him.
He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything
I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 47 And am looking for a guy with a big dick.

*******************

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened last night?"

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"Piss on him," answered the husband.

"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said the husband.

"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."


"Advice For Young Girlfriends"

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to
love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as
emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember
is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes,
however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem
strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed.
After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave
you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf.
Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar
for the purpose of consuming large
amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies.
Don't feel left out -- while he's
gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or
perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do
after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few
beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an
expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true.
The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer
than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual
organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your
lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

 

[melody]

Fart Your Guts Out

There's this old married couple that's happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage is caused by the husband's habit of farting nearly every morning when he wakes up. He farts so strong that he shakes the rafters and wakes his wife up with a start. The stench makes her eyes water as she chokes and gasps for air.
Nearly every morning she pleads with him to stop ripping one in the morning.
"Please, honey, see a doctor!" she exclaims every time. "It's not normal!"
"Oh, there's nothing wrong with me."
"I'm telling you, one of these days you're going to fart your guts out!"
"That's ridiculous."
Over and over again they have this same argument and she warns him time and time again that he's going to "fart his guts out" and he ignores her.
Then, one Thanksgiving morning the wife gets up early and goes downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixes pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she's taking out the turkey's innards, she gets a mischievous idea. She sneaks back upstairs with the turkey guts and tucks them into her sleeping husband's underwear, then tiptoes out of the room.
A little bit later she hears her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This is soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband runs to the upstairs bathroom. The wife cracks up laughing.
About twenty minutes later, her husband comes downstairs in his blood stained underpants, his face white as a sheet. "Honey," he says, "you were right. All those years you warned me and I wouldn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got'em all back in!"
***************
Buckwheat and Darla are in school. The teacher asks Darla, "How do you spell "dumb"?
Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is dumb."
The teacher says, "Now, spell "stupid". Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands and says,"D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Buckwheat says, "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."

Not In The Mood

A man woke up the one morning feeling horny, and asked his wife
for a fuck, but she said she wasn't in the mood.
So he got up, got dressed, and went downstairs and cooked breakfast
for them both.
He ate his, and then took hers up to the bedroom so she could have
breakfast in bed.
He was still feeling horny, and so, after she'd finished her
breakfast,
he asked again for a fuck.
She said she was still not in the mood.
So he decided to go out to the newsagent and buy that day's
newspaper.
When he got back he found her still in bed, but naked with her arms
and legs
tied up to the bedpost.
So, thinking that she'd changed her mind, and fancied some bondage
fun,
he got undressed again, and proceeded to climb into bed for some
action.
She asked him what did he think he was doing, and he told her that
as she was tied up, he thought she'd changed her mind.

She said "You stupid bastard! - While you were out two guys broke in
the house!"

He replied, "Oh no, did they get anything?'

"Did they get anything, hell yes, asshole, they got something. Why
do you think I am naked with a pussy full of cum?"
BBBBBBB
"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one
day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"

Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I'll say. What was the occasion?"

"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from
work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair
in the bedroom."

 

[melody]

Women vs. Men
The Perfect Day for Her:

8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:30 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day for Him!

6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blowjob
6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
7:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
8:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:15 Blowjob
12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated. (Hillary has a secret mole, Al looks real cold)
7:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
9:30 Sex with three women
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room
11:55 Sleep

A Thirteen Year Old With A Hard-on

A man notices his thirteen-year-old son has been walking around for a week with a hard-on in his pants, and figures the boy needs some relief. He gives the kid twenty dollars and says: "Take this to the whorehouse at the other end of town, and have some fun."
Well, the whorehouse is a good hour walk each way, but the boy returns in only 45 minutes. The father says: "where were you?"
"Well," says the boy, "when I walked by Grandma's house she asked where I was going and I told her. She said, 'why don't you just come in here instead, and I'll do you for free.' So that's what I did."
The father, outraged, screams: "Are you telling me you fucked my MOTHER?"
"What's the big deal," says the boy, "you fuck mine!"

nnn

A woman is on the witness stand testifying:
"I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me, dragged me into an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my panties, and bent me over a garbage can... I...I don't even remember what happened next..."
The judge says (jerking off motion), "Make something up! Make something up!"

 

[melody]

THE WORD FUCK!
( I just love this one )

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).

It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck"..

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings: How the fuck are ya?
2. Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
3. Resignation: Oh, fuck it!
4. Trouble: I guess I'm fucked now.
5. Aggression: Fuck you!
6. Disgust: Fuck me.
7. Confusion: What the fuck.......?
8. Difficulty: I don't understand this fucking business!
9. Despair: Fucked again...
10. Pleasure: I fucking couldn't be happier.
11. Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here?
12. Lost: Where the fuck are we.
13. Disbelief: Unfuckingbeliveable!
14. Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial: I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity: I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy: Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?
18. Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
19. Panic: Let's get the fuck out of here.
20. Directions: Fuck off.
21. Disbelief: How the fuck did you do that?


It can be used in an anatomical description- He's a fucking asshole.
It can be used to tell time- It's five fucking thirty.
It can be used in business- How did I wind up with this fucking job?
It can be maternal- Motherfucker.
It can be political- Fuck George Bush!


It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

What the fuck was that?
-Mayor of Hiroshima

Where did all these fucking Indians come from?
-General Custer

Where the fuck is all this water coming from?
-Captain of the Titanic

That's not a real fucking gun.
-John Len

Who's gonna fucking find out?
-Richard Nixon

Heads are going to fucking roll.
-Anne Boleyn

Let the fucking woman drive.
-Commander of Space Shuttle

What fucking map?
-Challenger, Mark Thatcher

Any fucking idiot could understand that.
-Albert Einstein

It does so fucking look like her!
-Picasso

How the fuck did you work that out?
-Pythagoras

-You want what on the fucking ceiling?
Michaelangelo

Fuck a duck.
-Walt Disney

Why?- Because its fucking there!
-Edmund Hilary

I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?
-Joan of Arc

Scattered fucking showers my ass.
-Noah

I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.
-John F. Kennedy-

REASONS FOR DIVORCE

A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife
because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger
without asking for permission."

A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his
wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to
the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at
7 o'clock on Channel 2."

A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina filed for divorce
because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."

A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he
forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his
girlfriend's house."

A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds
that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate.

aaaaa

An overweight man was waiting in line at a bank. There were two
teenage boys in line behind him.

They were giggling and making fun of how fat the man was. After
five minutes of this the man turned to the boys and asked them
politely to stop, as he couldn't help his weight problem.

With this the boys asked, "Oh, and why are you so fat Mister?"

The Man turned around and replied: "Well, every time I screwed your
mother, she gave me a cookie."

aaaaa

There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood
The question's not woody but could he?

 

[melody]

Dog's Day

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.

When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for.

He answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"

The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidentally bumped into the table and broke them all."

The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for.

The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"

"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.

The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails done."


This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.


SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever. (Men are so easy).

REASONS FOR DIVORCE

A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife
because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger
without asking for permission."

A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his
wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to
the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at
7 o'clock on Channel 2."

A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina filed for divorce
because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."

A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he
forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his
girlfriend's house."

A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds
that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate.

aaaaa

An overweight man was waiting in line at a bank. There were two
teenage boys in line behind him.

They were giggling and making fun of how fat the man was. After
five minutes of this the man turned to the boys and asked them
politely to stop, as he couldn't help his weight problem.

With this the boys asked, "Oh, and why are you so fat Mister?"

The Man turned around and replied: "Well, every time I screwed your
mother, she gave me a cookie."

aaaaa

There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood
The question's not woody but could he?

 

[melody]

For the ladies out there......

What do women and prawns have in common?
Their heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great
What's worse than your dentist telling you, you have herpes?
Your mother telling you.
What do you call a gay man who's had a vasectomy?
A seedless fruit.
=======
A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental
state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.

He explains, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can
enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how
to fuck, or I don't know how to shit."
=======
A girl came home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair.

"Sally," she said, "you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding."

"I didn't mom," Sally replied. "I was giving a blowjob to a Chinese guy and he threw up on me."
=======
A man brings home a cock sucking frog and gives it to his wife.

She asks "What the fuck am I supposed to do with that"

So he replies "Teach it to cook, then fuck off"
=======
After some great sex, she lies there stroking his prick.

He asks "Do you want more sex?"

"No" she replies, "I’m just admiring your cock... I really miss mine."
=======
Q: What do you call a Serbian prostitute ?
A: Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch.

Q: Why do women call it PMS ?
A: Mad Cow Disease was already taken.


CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE.......
(Long But Funny)

*A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
*A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
*A cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family.
*A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
*A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
*A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll on deodorant, or hair spray.
*A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
*A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
*A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
*A cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt.
*A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
*A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
*A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
*A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
*A cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then come home with the smell of Channel No. 19 on him.
*A cucumber will never leave you for another cucumber.
*A cucumber will never leave you for another man.
*A cucumber will never leave you for another woman.
*A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator..
*A cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?"
*A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
*A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.
*A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
*A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.
*A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep.
*A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.
*A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.
*A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over.
*A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.
*A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
*A cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
*A cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde.
*A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
*A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.
*A cucumber won't want to cum on your face.
*Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
*Cucumbers won't ask am I the best?
*Cucumbers won't ask did you come? How many times?
*Cucumbers won't ask how was it?
*Cucumbers won't give you a hickey.
*Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
*Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bad with your boots on.
*Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
*Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him.
*Cucumbers won't write ! your name and number on the men's room wall.
*No matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too.
*No matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
*The average cucumber is at least seven inches long.
*With a cucumber you can get a single room and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber.
*With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
*With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
*With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
*You always know where YOUR cucumber has been.
*You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
*You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
*You won't find out later that your cucumber is married.
*You won't find out later that your cucumber is on penicillin or have AIDS.
*You won't find out later that your cucumber likes you, but loves your brother
*You won't find out that a cucumber is married.
*You won't find out that a cucumber is trying to screw your sister.
*Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house.

 

[melody]

Happy Thanksgiving!
Things I Can Only Say This Week At Thanksgiving And Get Away With It

1. Talk about a huge breast.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's cool whip time.
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat!
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
20. Man, that looks just like cranberry sauce.
21. Is that hole good and stuffed?
22. Should I wrap that for you?
23. I've done my part, now I just want to sleep.

You Might Be A Redneck If:

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
Cool Whip on the side.

If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your stuffings secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer

Happy Thanksgiving To all My friends And Family.
How to Cook a Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

~~~~~~
A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin.

After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"

 

[melody]

Where's The Lady Of The House?

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?"
Long pause... "Uh .... is this 221-1811?"
=======
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh
blood. He parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some
sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started
hassling him about where he'd got it. He told them to piss off
and let him get some sleep.

However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow
me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest
of trees.

Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around
him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.

"GOOD," shouted the bat, "BECAUSE I FUCKING DIDN'T.
========
Sue and Jane are shopping together at the supermarket. When they get to the vegetables, Sue hefts a good sized potato in each hand and says, "You know, Jane, these remind me of John's balls."
Jane, impressed says, "Hmm, that big, huh?"
"No", Sue answers. "That dirty."

Pussy & Bitch

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and
their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother.
"Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest
dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is
a pussy." the son then asks
"What's a bitch?"
The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says
"Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching
television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a
pussy?"
The father doesn't want to miss the baseball
game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold,
grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this
is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking
about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"


Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that
connects the eyeball to the asshole?
It is called the anal optic nerve.
It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it
doesn't bring a tear to your eye.


A researcher is doing a study on the sexual habits of trailer park
denizens in Alabama. He finds one family with 12 kids, and decides to
ask the mother some questions.

"Ma'am," he asks, "Don't take this the wrong way, but do you know
anything about contraceptives?"
"What the hell're yu a talkin' bout?" is her dumbfounded reply.

"Okay, well, for instance... what do you and your husband use when
you're having sex? Do you use condoms? A diaphragm? IUD?"

"Nah," she replies. "We get along fine just a usin' my ol'man's dick!"

 

[melody]

Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Baby Bear

Once upon a time there were 3 bears, Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Baby
Bear.
Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Baby Bear decided to go for a walk to let
their porridge cool.
Meanwhile, Goldilocks is wandering through the woods
and goes into Papa Bear's house. She tries Papa Bear's chair, too hard. Mama
Bear's chair is too soft. Baby Bear's chair is just right.
Then she tries Papa Bear's porridge, too hot. Mama Bear's porridge is
too cold. Baby Bear's porridge is just right, so she eats it all up.
Goldilocks is now tired so she goes upstairs and tries Papa Bear's bed which
is too hard. Mama Bear's bed is too soft. Baby Bear's bed is just right. And
she falls fast asleep.
Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Baby Bear arrive home from their walk to find
that somebody's been in the house and tried their porridge and ate Baby
Bear's porridge all up.
Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Baby Bear decide to go to bed. Papa Bear
says, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed!"
Mama Bear says, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
Baby Bear says, "GOODNIGHT!"


Q: What is the fastest way to recondition an aging hooker?
A: Shove a ten pound ham up her snatch and pull the bone back out.

Q: What is grosser than gross?
A: When you wake up in a strange bed one morning and find a lump in your
throat, then realize that there's a string attached to it.

Q: Why did it take the Polish couple six weeks to drive across the U.S.?
A: Because they kept encountering signs that said, "Clean Rest Rooms."

Q: How did the Polish woman keep her son from biting his nails?
A: She made him wear shoes.

Daffynition - Necrophilia: the urge to pop a cold one.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why can't you hire two Greek guys in the same workplace?
A: Because they will always find a way to get a little behind in their work.

Q: What do Polish girls do to protect themselves from peeping toms?
A: They leave their curtains open.

A woman answered a knock on her front door, and there stood
a man who asked, "Do you have a vagina?"
Shocked, she slammed the door in his face. After the same
exact thing happened three days in a row, she told her husband
all about it.
"OK," he responded, "tomorrow I'll be hiding behind the door
when he knocks. You answer him, 'Yes'."
Sure enough, she opened the door to the knock and the man
again said, "Do you have a vagina?"
"Yes."
"Then please tell your husband to stop fucking my wife."

o0o0o0

Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed
Kevin where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day
plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much
in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
Joe recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.

"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother
was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making
love to her daughter?".....

"Baaaaaaa.....Baaaaaaa" said Joe.

o0o0o0

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A: A washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load into it.

Q: How do mathematicians describe the shape of a woman's pussy?
A: Cuntindicular.

Daffynition: Tampon - a beaver dam.

Q: Why do women have small feet?
A: So they can get closer to their ovens.

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

 

[melody]

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by unannounced at her
son's house. She knocked on the door then
immediately walked in. She was shocked to
See her daughter-in-law lying on the couch,
totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the
aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for John to come home from
work," the daughter-in-law Answered.
"But you're naked!" The mother-in-law
exclaimed.
"This is my love dress." The daughter-in-law
explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress." She
explained. "It excites him to no End. Every
time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for
hours. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got
home she undressed, showered, put
on her best perfume, dimmed the lights,
put on a romantic CD, and laid on the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came Home. He
walked in and saw her lying there so
provocatively.
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered,
sensually.
"Needs ironing" he said - "What's for
dinner?"

nnn

A man was lying on his deathbed, his wife there to comfort him during his last moments. Being a good catholic and a strong believer in confession he began to say something that he felt he needed to get off of his chest before passing from this present life. As he began to speak though, his wife told him not to speak, to save his strength but he would hear nothing of the sort for he knew the end was already near. So his faithful wife listened as he said in his rapidly fading voice, “honey, I love you so I feel like I should be the one to tell you this. I cheated on you with your sister, your sister's friend, and your sister's friend's sister.'' Now the man, having spent the last of his strength lay quietly as his wife looked at him with lovingly understanding eyes and said, ''I know...that's why I poisoned you.''

The Cattle Cowboy

When the cattle had been loaded into cars and shipped to Chicago for sale, each car was appointed an attendant to feed and water the cattle during the journey. This is the story of such a cowboy:

Following the unloading of the cattle in Chicago, the cowboy headed to a restaurant for dinner. The only seat was next to a lady who looked wealthy and educated. He couldn't help overhearing her order. "I'll have a breast of fowl, virgin fowl, make sure it's a virgin, catch it yourself, garnish my plate with onions, a cup of coffee, not too hot, not to cold, and open the window, I smell a cow, there must be a cowboy in here."
Thoroughly pissed off, the cowboy placed his order. "I'll have a duck, a fucked duck, make sure it's fucked, fuck it yourself, garnish my plate with horse shit, a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss, blow the foam off with a fart, and knock out the wall, I smell a cunt, there must be a whore in the house."

=========

Two elderly men were talking about Viagra. One had never heard of it and asked the other what it was for."It's the greatest invention ever," he said. "It makes you feel like a man of 30." "Can you get it over the counter?" "Probably - if you took two."
Did you hear about the side-effects of the Viagra pill for men? If you swallow it slowly, you'll get a stiff neck.
What do you get if you mix Viagra and Prozac? - A guy who is ready to go but doesn't really care where.
Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to wait an hour for a three I minute ride.

=========

Q: What's sex like for Michael Jackson?
A: Like candy from a baby.

Q: What's Michael Jackson's next movie?
A: Honey I Blew the Kid.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson own a theme park for kids?
A: He's always been into children's shit.

 

[melody]

The Cattle Cowboy

When the cattle had been loaded into cars and shipped to Chicago for sale, each car was appointed an attendant to feed and water the cattle during the journey. This is the story of such a cowboy:

Following the unloading of the cattle in Chicago, the cowboy headed to a restaurant for dinner. The only seat was next to a lady who looked wealthy and educated. He couldn't help overhearing her order. "I'll have a breast of fowl, virgin fowl, make sure it's a virgin, catch it yourself, garnish my plate with onions, a cup of coffee, not too hot, not to cold, and open the window, I smell a cow, there must be a cowboy in here."
Thoroughly pissed off, the cowboy placed his order. "I'll have a duck, a fucked duck, make sure it's fucked, fuck it yourself, garnish my plate with horse shit, a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss, blow the foam off with a fart, and knock out the wall, I smell a cunt, there must be a whore in the house."

=========

Two elderly men were talking about Viagra. One had never heard of it and asked the other what it was for."It's the greatest invention ever," he said. "It makes you feel like a man of 30." "Can you get it over the counter?" "Probably - if you took two."
Did you hear about the side-effects of the Viagra pill for men? If you swallow it slowly, you'll get a stiff neck.
What do you get if you mix Viagra and Prozac? - A guy who is ready to go but doesn't really care where.
Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to wait an hour for a three I minute ride.

=========

Q: What's sex like for Michael Jackson?
A: Like candy from a baby.

Q: What's Michael Jackson's next movie?
A: Honey I Blew the Kid.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson own a theme park for kids?
A: He's always been into children's shit.

 

[melody]

Men Are Just Happier People--

`What do you expect from such simple creatures?
`Your last name stays put.
`The garage is all yours.
`Wedding plans take care of themselves.
`Chocolate is just another snack.
`You can be President.
`You can never be pregnant.
`You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
`You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
`Car mechanics tell you the truth.
`The world is your urinal.
`You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
`You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
`Same work, more pay.
`Wrinkles add character.
`Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
`People never stare at your chest when you're talking to
them.
`The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
'New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
`One mood all the time.
`Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
`You know stuff about tanks.
`A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
`You can open all your own jars.
`You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
`If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
`Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
`Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
`You almost never have strap problems in public.
`You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
`Everything on your face stays its original color.
`The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
`You only have to shave your face and neck.
`You can play with toys all your life.
`Your belly usually hides your big hips.
`One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
`You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
`You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
`You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
`You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
`No wonder men are happier."

 

[kyokonitori88]

Lawyer
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It’s simple. I just say, I’m a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh!!!! You’re a lawyer?"

He said, "Why,... Yes I am!"

So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!"

 

[DanzEterna]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to sh#t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

[melody]

Two guys go into a whore house. The first guy goes into the whore's room.
She's laying there naked, but he sees this *HUGE* scab right on here pussy.
He's so disgusted, he jumps out the window. (It's only on the first floor,
he lives.) The other guy is waiting in the hall, and getting hornier by
the minute. Soon, he figures his buddy must be finished, so he goes in.
He sees the *HUGE* scab, but he's soo excited, he just rips it off and
throws it out the window. He fucks her, pays her, and leaves. He finds
his friend sitting outside the building and says, "Sorry I took so long,
she was really good."
His friend says, "That's alright, I had time to eat that pizza you
threw down to me."

hhh

There was a young lady named Nelly,
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly,
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly.

hhh

A gynecologist examines a lesbian and remarked "Madam that is the cleanest vagina I have ever seen"
She replied "Thank you, I have a woman in twice a week !"
What does a dwarf get when he runs through a woman's legs?
A clit round the ear and a flap across the face!
Apparently Nike have just invented a new type of trainers for lesbians, they have an extra long tongue and you can get them off with one finger.

Some Thoughts On Exercising ....

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add
one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an
additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about $400 bucks. Haven't lost
a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out
what I'm doing.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

|||||||

Q. What Do You Call A Woman That Works Like A Man??
A. A Lazy Bitch.

Q. What Do You Call A Woman Who Has Lost 95% Of Her Intelligence?
A. Divorced.

Q. What Do You Call A Woman With ESP And PMS?
A. A Know-It-All Bitch.

|||||||

A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor.

Man: Doctor, I have a terrible (FARRRT!) problem. I just can't
(FFFART!!) stop farting.

Doctor: That is an unusual complaint. Take off your clothes and lay,
stomach down, on the couch.

The man does as he is told.

The doctor examines him for a minute - the man farting
all the time this is going on.

Doctor: Aha! This should be easy to cure. Excuse me for a moment. The
doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp
spike at one end.

Man: (FAART!) Oh my God! (fart..) What are you going to do with
(FFFARTT!!) that?!

Doctor: I need to open a window.