JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

A Dwarf Lady

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of
an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs,

"I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at
any time?"

"Yeah, its really bad whenever it rains." she replies.

"Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at
once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later it's raining really hard, and the little lady
shows up at the doctor's office.

"Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!"

"Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the
table.

"Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical
kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The
doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later.

"There you go, ma'am, try that."

She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims,

"That's great, Doc, what did you do?!"

To which the doctor replied,

"I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was complete, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful Beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."


One day a man who was cross with his wife said to her; you are like a McDonalds hamburger- cheap, fat and greasy! The wife replies in a vigorous rage; and you are like a toilet- either taking the piss, look like crap or full of shit!
 
Season's Greetings Jokes

Money's Short, Times are Hard
Here's your Fucking Christmas Card

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
everyone felt shitty, even the mouse

Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my place to see what's the matter

Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the old fucker fell

He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart

He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
Piss on you all and have a good night

- Have a nice Christmas, asshole


1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
3. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
5. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!
6. Some of my best toys run on batteries.
7. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
8. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
9. Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
10. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

An Italian Merry Christmas
(Hilarious)


I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a
date to my parents' house on Christmas Eve.
I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian
girl to see how an Italian family spends the
holidays. I thought my mother and my date would
hit it off like partridges and pear trees.

So, I was wrong. Sue me.

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I
extended the invitation. I know these family
things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my
folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on

Christmas Eve." "Sounds fine to me," Karen said.
I had only known my mother for 31 years when I
told her I'd be bringing Karen with me.
"She's a very nice girl and she's really looking
forward to meeting all of you."
"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.
And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two
"sounds-fine-to-me". What more could I want?
Christmas was set!

I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian
households, Christmas Eve is the social event of
the season - an Italian woman's raison d'etre.
She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates
every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve
is what Italian women live for.

I should also point out, I suppose, that when it
comes to the kind of women that make Italian men
go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean. She doesn't
cook. She doesn't bake. And she has the largest
breasts I have ever seen on a human being.
I brought her anyway.

7p.m. - we arrive .
Karen and I walk in and putter around for half
an hour waiting for the other guests to show up.
During that half hour, my mother grills Karen
like a cheeseburger and cannily determines that
Karen does not clean, cook, or bake.

My father is equally observant. He pulls me
into the living room and notes, "She has the largest
breasts I have ever seen on a human being!"

7:30p.m. - Others arrive.
Uncle Antonio walks in with my Aunt Mafalde,
assorted kids, assorted gifts.! We sit around the
dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically
composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black
olives, salami, prosciutto, provolone, and anchovies.

When I offer to make Karen's plate she says, "Thank you.
But none of those things, okay?" She points to the anchovies.
"You don't like anchovies?" I ask.
"I don't like fish," Karen announces to one and all
as 67 other varieties of foods-that-swim are
baking, broiling and simmering in the next room.
My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things
are getting uncomfortable.

Aunt Sophia asks Karen what her family eats on
Christmas Eve. Karen says, "Knockwurst."

My father, who is still staring in a daze,
at Karen's chest, temporarily snaps out of it to
murmur, Knockers?" My mother kicks him so hard he
gets a blood clot. None of this is
turning out the way I'd hoped.

8:00p.m. - Second course.
The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the
table. Karen declines the crab sauce and says she'll
make her own with butter and ketchup. My mother asks
me to join her in the kitchen. I take my
"Merry Christmas" napkin from my lap, place it on the
"Merry Christmas" tablecloth and walk into the kitchen.

"I don't want to start any trouble," my mother says
calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands,
"But if she pours this on my pasta, I'm going to
throw acid in her face."

"Come on," I tell her. "It's Christmas. Let her eat what she wants."
My mother considers the situation,
then nods. As I turn to walk back into the dining
room, she grabs my shoulder. "Tell me the truth,"
she says,"are you serious with this tramp?"
"She's not a tramp," I reply. "And I've only known her for three weeks."
"Well, it's your life", she tells me, "but if you marry her, she'll poison you."

8:30p.m. - More fish.
My stomach is knotted like one of those macramé
plant hangers that are always three times larger
than the plants they hold.

All the women get up to clear away the spaghetti
dishes, except for Karen, who, instead, lights a cigarette.
"Why don't you give them a little hand?" I politely suggest.
Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks.
"Dear, you don't have to do that," my mother tells her, smiling painfully.
"Oh, okay," Karen says, putting the forks on the sink.

As she reenters the dining room, a wine glass flies
over her head, and smashes against the wall. From
the kitchen, my mother says, "Whoops."
I vaguely remember that line from Torch Song Trilogy. "Whoops?"
No. "Whoops is when you fall down an elevator shaft."
More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen
tries a piece of scungilli, which she describes as "slimy, like worms."
My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women you
always see in the sixth row of a funeral home.
Aunt Sophia does the same. Karen, believing that this is
something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve,
bites her hand and pounds her chest also.
My Uncle Antonio doesn't know what to make of it. My father's
dentures fall out and he almost chews a six-inch gash in the
tablecloth with his fingernails.
10:00 p.m. - Coffee, dessert.
Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of
lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother
finally slaps her in the face with a cannoli.
I guess it had to happen sooner or later.

Karen, believing that this is something that all
Italian women do on Christmas Eve, picks up a
cannoli and slaps my mother with it.
"This is fun," Karen says. Fun?
No. Fun is when you fall down an elevator shaft.
But, amazingly, everyone is laughing
and smiling and filled with good cheer - even my
mother, who grabs me by the shoulder, laughs and says,
"Get this bitch out of my house."

Sounds fine to me.
THE END

(If you aren't in stitches by now, you don't
know Italians!)
 
Ten Ways To Treat A Penis

1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e.,
"Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on
it likes it's a raw piece of meat and you're a starving
pit bull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends
first.

2.) When (Not "IF") giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you
make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and
suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a
sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle. Contrary to your practicing
techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle
first is not the winner.

3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or
back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move
too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's
crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY
Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a
little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a
basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ...
your aim is not that good, and your 100+ Lbs, and this little
Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.

4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's Dick don't grab it like a
bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow.
Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment
to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the
problem ...lubrication, the cure.

5.) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna
keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just
as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry
him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage
as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate.
You'll get years of use out of him that way.

6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or
stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no
response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time.
Good for you!

7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two
friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster.
Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother
playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July.

8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.

9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on
pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be
proud that you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have
that effect on him.

10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not
that deep! What are you doing ...drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow
you're much bigger than I thought. Could you take it a little
easier on me?"

And never never say "Is it in?"
 
Christmas Q&A Jokes

Q. What did Santa say to the three blondes?
A. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A. You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Q. What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
A. They go into town and blow a few bucks.

Q. What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A. Snowballs.

Q. Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
A. Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

Q. Why is Santa Claus always so jolly?
A. Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!

Q. What do you call a truck load of vibrators heading South from the North Pole on Christmas Eve?
A. Toys for twats!

Q. Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
A. Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

Q. Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
A. Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

Q. How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
A. They both have ornamental balls.

Q. Why do people make snow men instead of snow women?
A. Because it takes too long to hollow out the head!


This woman walks into a tattoo shop and asks for a tattoo of a Christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.

The tattoo artist says "That's an unusual request. Why do you want two tattoos there?"

She replies "Because my husband needs to eat between Christmas and New Years."

The 9 Types Of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy -
"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also Known As: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat.
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller -
"You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly -
"Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser -
"Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker: The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied -
"I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control -
"I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy -
"I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars -
"I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl -
"I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
 
DENTISTS

A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They're getting along so well that they decide to
go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands.
He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"
The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"
The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands".
One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says:
"You must be a GREAT dentist!"
The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist.
How did you figure that out?"
The girl says: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing."

***

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin
working on her, she grabs his crotch.
The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."
The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other,
aren't we."

***

Jones (meeting friend): "Why the broad grin?"
Brown: "I've just come from my dentist's."
Jones: "Is that anything to laugh about?"
Brown: "Yes - he wasn't in and won't be for two days."

***

Victim: "Hey, that wasn't the tooth I wanted pulled."
Dentist: "Calm yourself, I'm coming to it."

***

A boy and his mother stood looking at a dentist's showcase.
"If I had to have false teeth, mother, I'd take that pair," said the small boy, pointing.
"Hush, Willie," interposed the mother quickly, shaking his arm,

"Haven't I told you it's bad manners to pick your teeth in public?"

***

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

***

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says:
"I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies: "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

***

"Mummy, that dentist wasn't painless like he advertised."
"Why, did he hurt you?"
"No! but he yelled just like any other dentist when I bit his finger."

***

Patient:Do you extract teeth painlessly?
Dentist: "Not always, the other day I nearly dislocated my wrist

***

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr.
Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered,
"No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly.
"Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Smith turned to his wife Becky. "Show him, honey."
X-rated Christmas Carols

*I'm Dreaming of a Great Blow Job

*Little Hummer Boy

*A Lay In A Manger

*Let Her Blow, Let Her Blow, Let Her Blow

*The First Time With Noelle

*Oh, Cum All Ye Faithful

*I Came Upon A Midnight Queer

*Jingle Bell Fuck

*Here Cums Santa Claus

*Frostie The Frigid Bitch I Married

*I'm Creaming On A White Christmas

*That Lying, Cheating Bastard's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire

*You Boff The Red-nosed Vain Queer

*Oh, Hole-y Night

*Santa Claus Is Cumming, You Clown

*Frosty the Blow Man

*Jiggle My Balls

*I Don't Fear You Have Aids

*The Twelve Steps to a Sober Christmas

*Oh, Watch Me Pee

*I Came All Over Her Rounded Buttocks

*I Saw Mommy Giving Santa Head

*Santa's Cock Is 12 Inches Long

*Jingle Bell Rock, Suck My Cock

*Do You See My Pee-Pee?

*We Three Queens and a Vaseline Jar

*Deck My Balls with Clamps and Leather

*Bark! The Hairy Anal Thing

*I Came Upon a Midget's Rear

*Pumpin' Away in a Manger

*Santa Claus is Coming All Over Town

*Deck My Balls with Brows of Holly

*O Cum, Gobby Facefuls

*I Came Upon Your Midriff, Dear

*Dick the Ho's with KY jelly

========

Woman: My ex was such a Scrooge at Christmas.
Friend: Some men are like that.
Woman: Yeah? The closest he ever got to giving me a gift was the time he put a bow on the head of his dick and said,
"Hey, Cunt! C'mere and suck this package!
 
"What's That Daddy?"

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret."

The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?"

Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me."

A couple days later the little girl says to her mother. "Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush!"

"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks

"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."


Joe and Moe went outside to take a leak and Joe confessed,
"I wish I had a dick like my cousin Junior. He needs four
fingers to hold his."

Moe looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours
with four fingers."

"I know," sighed Joe, "but I'm pissing on three of them."


This young couple had only been married for one night
when the bride went to the doctor to say, "This is my
first day of marriage, and bothers me."

Doctor: "What is it?"

Bride: "Well, during sex I feel his dick touch my
kidneys."

Doctor: "Just send in your groom, and I will cut a couple
of inches off and hopefully it will not reach your kidneys."

Bride: "No, I want you to remove my kidneys instead."


On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had
an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the
groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride
called her mother from the hospital.

"Mother", she sobbed, "My husband has only one foot."

The mother, trying to console her daughter said, "I wish
your father did, he only has six inches."

Dear Santa - Little Johnny

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of
December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things
that have occurred since the beginning of the month when, filled
with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an
electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football
uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only
was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the
whole school!

I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire
neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my
brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on
errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was
virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a f**king yo-yo, a stupid
whistle and a pair of socks! What the f**k were you thinking,
you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the
whole f**king year to come out with some shit like this under the
tree. As if you hadn't f**ked me enough,you gave that little
faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into
his house.

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my
chimney next year. I'll f**k you up! I'll throw rocks at those
stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to WALK back
to the f**king North Pole, just like what I have to do now since
you didn't get me that f**king bike.

F**K YOU SANTA! Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you
FAT SOB.

Sincerely,
Little Johnny
 
Santa's Response To Little Johnny's After Christmas Letter

Dear Johnny,

I know WHO you are,
and I KNOW where you live.
You little shit!
You can't talk to SANTA
like that and get away with it!

If you don't like the yo-yo, which is a classic toy,
by the way, then you can just
cram it up your little *$$!
As for the whistle you didn't care for --
I gotcha whistle right here!!!
Come blow on this!
And the socks...well, I figured
you are big enough to
be whacking off, and those sox
would have come in handy and been
handy to ... well, even you should get the picture!

And... that little "faggot" across the street,
you'll be happy to know that he's already
got pubic hair and his wang is
TWICE as long as yours.
Besides, his parents think YOU're the fag --
always moanin' and whinin'.

Don't worry about gathering up rocks
for my visit to your house next year,
'cause I ain't coming down
your chimney ever again.
If you find any pennies this year,
you had better stop and pick
them up, 'cause that's about all
you're going to get for Christmas.
Your mom and dad are going
to be killed in a car crash,
and you'll be stuck in an
orphanage before Thanksgiving.

Bad? You want BAD? I'll show you who's bad!

Affectionally, Adieu,
Santa

Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid..

10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, Dream on,
Bucko!

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes.

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and
handling.

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his
bed.

5. Instead of Naughty or Nice, Santa has him on the dork list.

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee.

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, Touch my beard and I'll
put the hurt on you.

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read Straight from Craptown.

1. Four words: Off my lap, Tubby!

Christmas Ball Warmers

Three blondes are sitting in a café, talking about what to get their
boyfriends for Christmas.

"It's funny," said Samantha. "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when
I'm sucking his cock! I think I should get him some ball warmers for
Christmas."

"You know what?" replied Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard!"

They turn to the third blonde, Candi, and asked, "When you blow Chris,
are his balls cold, too?"

"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!"
exclaimed Candi.

"You're crazy," Samantha piped up. "A good blowjob is the best way to
keep a guy! You should try it! It would make a great Christmas gift for
Chris!"

Candi says she'll think about it. The next time they meet at the café it
is Boxing Day and Candi is sporting a wicked shiner.

"Whoa!" the Jenny asked. "How did you get that black eye?!"

"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," Candi said.

"What on earth for?!" the Jenny asked.

"I don't know," Candi replied. "I was giving him his Christmas present
like you two suggested. I mentioned how strange it was that his balls
were so warm, when Pete and Richard's were so cold, and he punched me!"

Santa’s Pickup Lines

*^* Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
*^* Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
*^* I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
*^* Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
*^* I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small
talk, sister!
*^* Some of my best toys run on batteries.
*^* Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs.
calls it)
*^* I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear,
do you?
*^* Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
*^* Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
 
The Twelve Days of Christmas:

DAY 1

Dearest Mike:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge
in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I know we only
met 4 months ago but I couldn't be happier with anyone else.
Thank you again for the wonderful gift.
With all my love and devotion,
Cindy

DAY 2

Dearest Mike:
Today the postman brought you're very sweet gift. Just imagine.
Two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at how sweet you are. I love you so much.
The doves are so adorable. Thank you. Can't wait until I see you.
All my love,
Cindy

DAY 3

Dearest Darling Mike:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest.
I don't deserve such generosity, Three French hens. They are just great
but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Cindy

DAY 4

Dear Mike:
You are so romantic! 4 calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? I love everything
but I'm running out of room for all these birds.
Love,
Cindy

DAY 5

Dearest Mike:
Oh my God! The postman delivered 5 gold rings today.
One for every finger. I love the rings. Thank you darling.
I hope I don't hurt your feelings but all these birds and their squawking is
beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Cindy

DAY 6

Dear Mike:
When I opened the door there were actually 6
geese-a-laying
on my front steps. So you're back to the birds
again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? I told you before the
other birds were starting to get to me. I'm not
getting any sleep
because of all the racket and my neighbors are
complaining.
Please Mike, no more birds.
Cordially,
Cindy

DAY 7

Mike:
What's with you and these fucking birds? 7
swans-a-swimming?
Is this a joke? There's bird shit ALL over the
house, and they
never stop with the racket. I asked you no more birds please!!
I can't sleep and I'm a nervous wreck. This isn't
fun any more!!
So stop with the fucking birds!
Thank you.
From,
Cindy

DAY 8

Okay Buster:
The birds were bad, but what in the hell am I going to do with
8 maids-a-milking? They even have their own cows.
There is shit all over the lawn, I can't move in my own home. This is it.
It's over between us. I'm sorry Mike. Please lay off
me and leave me alone. Cindy

DAY 9

Hey! Shithead,
Are you fucking stupid? 9 pipers playing their bells
from hell!
They haven't stopped chasing the maids since they got here. The
cows are upset and are stepping on the screeching birds. My
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. God
Dammit Mike!
Stop it! WE ARE OVER, REMEMBER? I'm getting pissed. You'll get yours! Cindy

DAY 10

You rotten prick,
Now there's 10 fucking ladies dancing. I don't know
why I call the sluts ladies, they've been fucking the pipers
all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they have diarrhea. My
living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of
Buildings has subpoenaed me to show cause why this house shouldn't be
condemned. You must have DUMB FUCK across your
forehead. I'm calling the fucking cops on you!
ONE MAD AS HELL BITCH

DAY 11

Listen fuck-for-brains,
What's with the 11 lords-a-leaping on the maids and ladies.
Some of those broads will never walk again. The pipers are
now committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 of the
birds are dead, they were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you are
fucking happy you rotten, vicious piece of shit!
Cindy

Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Cajole
555 NW 1st Avenue
Miami, FL 33138

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12
fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Ms. Cindy Clark.
The destruction, of course, was total. All
correspondence should come to our attention.
If you should ATTEMPT to reach Miss Smith at Happy Dale Sanitarium,
the attendants have instructions to SHOOT you on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for
your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cajole
A Division of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe
 
A Redneck "Night Before Christmas"

'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house;
Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse.
My .357 sat right on my lap
Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.

The young'uns were restless and watching in shifts
To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts,
When out from the yard came a godawful noise
O could it be him with a shitload of toys?

I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain
I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain
But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door
Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!"

"Hands in the air and kick over that sack,
And then real slowly move 20 feet back."
He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf;
I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.

I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw
Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw.
I heard him take off - in a second he split,
Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit.

Back in my chair I let out such a yelp
That the wife and the kids came to offer their help,
Their eyes filled with wonder - I started to drag
A whole shitload of presents from Santa's big bag.

A big can of crawdads for when I go fishin'
A whopping belt buckle - a brand new transmission,
A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife,
A nice leather strap just for beating the wife.

A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice,
A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice!
An inflatable dollie for when the old hag
Starts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag.

When out of the bag I had pulled every bit
I said "Looks like you kids won't be getting no shit."
Here was my chance to try out my new strap
When they started their bawling and screaming and crap.

I chased them upstairs and I popped me a brew,
I sat back in my chair, filled my mouth up with chew,
With my heart full of gladness, my soul full of cheer,
I yelled up, "Maybe you'll get some presents next year!"

...Another Version...

A Redneck "Night Before Christmas"

'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said "Shoot Fire!" That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!"

YEE HAWWWW!
 
Letters To Santa

Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a fricken book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
***

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask
for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
***

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door
in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
***


Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis"nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
***

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch.
Santa
***

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas,
where spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
***

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when
we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you
do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
***

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
***

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into
our home?
Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live
in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa

---------- Post added at 05:11 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 11:12 AM ----------

Parrot Sings Christmas Carols

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a
unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just
what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings
Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man
agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much
for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his
pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter
and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts
singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and
watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right
foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."

The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband
rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful
gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's
special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the
bird sings "Silent Night."

He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a
round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her
husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and
the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Schizophrenia ---
Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder ---
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia ---
I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic ---
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic ---
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and

Paranoid ---
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder ---
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder ---
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Agoraphobia ---
I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

Autistic ---
Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ...

Senile Dementia ---
Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My
Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder ---
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder ---
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
 
Christmas Song

Dildoes and corsets and Chainmail Bikinis
Black Leather cages you lock on your weenies
Fetish and fashion and pierced nipple rings
These are a few of my favorite things ...

When the lash bites
When the crop stings
When it hits the Spot
I simply remember my favorite things
And it makes me feel ... so hot!!

Wrist cuffs and collars and straps of black leather
Chrome chains and Padlocks to hold them together
Tease whips and gags sort the girls from the boys
These are a few of my favorite toys ...

Nip Clips and Clit clips and Ball gags and Blindfolds
Dildoes and butt plugs to stop up your assholes
Enema pipes and some new "KY" gel
All delivered in brown paper, so the neighbors can't tell ...

Bottle green panties like the girls wore in school
A brief French maids outfit to make your mouth drool
Black halter tops and a PVC skirt
And a long leather whip ... Oh yes, that will hurt!!

Floggers and paddles and crops of black leather
Rubber and latex are fun in all weather
Canes of rattan that deliver a sting
All these and more are my favorite things!!!

When the lash bites
When the crop stings
When it hits the Spot
I simply remember my favorite things
And it makes me feel ... so hot!!

Santa's Problems

I have been watching you very closely to see if you
have been good this year and since you have I will be
telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave
under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you
all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a
little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD
from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords
leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the
9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird
things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese
a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle
doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to
my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through
menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
have joined the gay liberation and some people who
can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the
5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together
and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest
you get your asses down to Walmart
before everything is gone.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus
 
Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have
had in the past.
2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the
closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb
and have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the
back of your pickup truck.


That wily old pervert St. Nick
Made good use of the curve to his dick.
He glazed the whole shaft
Painted stripes, then he laughed
As he offered young ladies a lick.
I wonder what Christmas will be,
No merriment, good cheer or glee,
Now that Santa's arrested,
Because someone protested,
That he laid some doll under their tree.

Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its "sell by" date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

Why Santa Can't Possibly Be A Man

a. Men can't pack a bag
b. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
c. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen
with all those elves
d. Men don't answer their mail
e. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in
just as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly"
f. Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them
g. Having to do the Ho-Ho-Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
ability to pick up women
h. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.


Roses are Redish, Violets are Bluesh.
If it wasn't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down?
He was waiting for the snow blower!

Top 10 Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid

10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes.

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and
handling.

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam
peanuts.

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list.

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee.

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard
and I'll put the hurt on you."

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
 
The Fucking Night Before Christmas, Dammit!

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty -- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"

Xmas Carols for the Alternative Sexual Lifestyle:

Little Hummer Boy

A Lay In A Manger

Oh, Cum All Ye Faithful

I Came Upon A Midnight Queer

Here Cums Santa Claus

I'm Creaming On A White Christmas

You Boff The Red-nosed Vain Queer

Oh, Hole-y Night

Santa Claus Is Cumming, You Clown

Frosty The Blow Man
The Top 15 Reindeer Games

15. Strip poker with Santa's granddaughter

14. Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass

13. Spin the Salt Lick

12. Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers

11. Moose or Dare

10. Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends

9. Bait-and-Shoot Elmo

8. The Annual Turn-Frosty- Yellow-from- 50-Paces Contest

7. Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot

6. Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets"

5. Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass

4. Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen

3. Elf Tossing

2. Sniff the Tail on the Donkey

and the Number 1 Reindeer Game...

1. The "Rudolph the Shitfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game

Things Santa Shouldn't Say To The Girls

1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
3. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
5. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!
6. Some of my best toys run on batteries.
7. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
8. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
9. Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
10. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
 
Another Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.
No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and so stupid clatter.

There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my computer and me.
I won't race to the window, to see him arrive.
I'll just sit right here...with windows ninety-five.

There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.
I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.

As, I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.
A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while.

She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.
She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.

She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.
He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, " I guess it's all right."

She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How she was expected to be a good wife.
She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because she was forced, to do such silly deeds.

She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me.....she was oversexed.
She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He was always too busy, and getting too old.

Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her , to have cyber-sex.
I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got really good.

After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.
She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.

She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.
She said only...on this night, she could be found
It is only...this night, her husband leaves town.

She said bye, and signed off...and i had to pause.
I think I just cybered with Mrs. Santa Claus!

The night before XXXmas

Twas the night befor Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.

A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"
 
Father Christmas was in the Grotto, when after days of young children
filing past, he was confronted by a lovely looking eighteen year old
girl.

She sits herself down on Santa's knee and he asks her what she wants for
Christmas. She says, "Well Santa, I've got no pubic hairs on my pussy,
and I wondered if you could get me some for Christmas?"

Santa replies, "Well I don't know, if I can get you Pubic hairs on your
Pussy, will white whiskers do?"
~~~~~
That wily old pervert St. Nick
Made good use of the curve to his dick.
He glazed the whole shaft
Painted stripes, then he laughed
As he offered young ladies a lick.

The night started with hot sexual talk,
As they screwed they lost track of the clock.
Throughout the next day,
They continued to play,
Until neither were able to walk!

Twisted Sing-A-Longs

Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer


Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.
~~~~~

Deck The Halls

See that drag queen his name's Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
For 50 bucks he'll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La
You should meet his brother Carol.
Fa La La La La La La La La


Whore's Business

Sung to the Tune of ~ White Christmas


I'm waiting for a whore's business,
But I'm three dollars short on dough.
While her earrings glisten,
Her pimp will listen,

He's hiding close by in a Roll's.

I'm waiting for a whore's business,
Although I'm shriveled from the cold.
She will warm my body,

And act real naughty,
As well as all the other things she's told.

I'm waiting for a whore's business,
She's got my money in her fly.

Her large breasts are bobbing,
Makes my dick start throbbing,
As I watch her pimp mouth the word "Goodbye.

"I'm waiting for a whore's business,

She has a beautiful dark tan.
As she peels off her clothing,
I am filled with loathing,
And discover that she really is a man.
 
New Years Resolutions For Pets

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.

14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!

6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.

5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.

3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND
============
New Year Resolutions For Nerds

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from Alt. binaries*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
 
Women's Views On Men

*Men are like ... Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied and can keep you
up all night long.
*Men are like ... Cement
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
*Men are like ... Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
*Men are like ... Blenders
You think that you need one, but you're not quite sure why.
*Men are like ... Coolers
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
*Men are like ... Copiers
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
*Men are like ... Curling Irons
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
*Men are like ... High Heels
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
*Men are like ... Horoscopes
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
*Men are like ... Lawn Mowers
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
*Men are like ... Laxatives
They irritate the shit out of you.
*Men are like ... Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
*Men are like ... Mini Skirts
If you're not careful they'll creep up your legs.
*Men are like ... Noodles
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and the need
dough.
*Men are like ... Parking Spots
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left
are handicapped or extremely small.
*Men are like ... Weather
Nothing can be done to change them.
*Men are like ... Plungers
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the
bathroom.
*Men are like ... Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
*Men are like ... Placemats
They only show up when there's food on the table.
*Men are like ... Snowstorms
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get
or how long he will last.
*Men are like ... Used Cars
Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable.
*Men are like ... Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.
 
Redneck New Year’s Resolutions

1. Stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by;
2. Give thanks that your Momma had “ammo” on her Christmas list;
3. Play with your Christmas stocking full of ammo;
4. Give thanks for your favorite Christmas present - a painting on black velvet;
5. Sign the neighbour’s petition over your Christmas lights;
6. Kiss your own wife at midnight at the New Year’s eve party;
7. Siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck;
8. Icing - what you do to your front steps before your mother-in-law comes over;
9. Drink gas because you can run two and a half miles per hour faster;
10. Try to drown a fish;
11. Buy your jewelry at the hardware store;
12. Drink Labatt 50;
13. Knock the spider webs down to use the bathroom;
14. Go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home;
15. Yell to your Momma, “Hey, Aunt Betty!”;
16. Create a hairstyle called “The Hat Line”;
17. Have another can of your favourite meal – Spam;
18. Barbecue Spam on the grill;
19. Drive your pickup truck which has a bigger turning radius than your house;
20. Send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk;
21. Appreciate your wife howling at the moon more than your huntin’ dogs;
22. Wear the same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations - and they’re only twenty years old;
23. Go swimmin’ in the drainage ditch behind your house;
24. Cuss and refer to your wife, Mamma, aunt, and sister with one word;
25. Have your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner;
26. Be thankful that you have more pet names for your huntin’ dog than for your girlfriend;
27. Mistake the offering plate for a spit can;
28. Go to church to pick up women;
29. Bring your dog with you to church;
30. Give thanks that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar;
 
The King, Queen And The Troll

There once was a King and Queen who ruled a
kingdom by the sea. One day the King's brother,
who ruled a kingdom in the mountains, took ill and
needed help ruling his land.

The first king volunteered to help and explained to
the queen that his brother's illness may last many
months. They would see one another each weekend.
Every other weekend the king would journey, on
horseback, down from the mountains. On alternating
weekends the queen would journey, up from the
seaside, the same way.

"There is one very important thing to remember" said
the king. "Halfway between the two lands is a bridge
which crosses a deep ravine. The bridge is guarded
by a magic troll, who lives under the bridge as most
trolls are apt to do. He will ask you to pay a toll, a four
leaf clover, so you must promise me you will always
remember to bring one with you."

"I will" she replied thinking that would be easy since
all castles in those days were surrounded by fields of
four leaf clovers, for good luck.

So the time comes for the queen to make her first
journey. She picks the clover, puts it in the pocket of
her dress and off she goes. After a while she comes
to the bridge and out crawls an ugly little troll. "He
certainly doesn't look very magical" she thinks to herself.

The troll begins to speak. "I am the troll who lives under
the bridge and YOU must pay a toll ... a four leaf clover
if you please ... or bend over on your knees."

And with that he dropped his pants revealing the biggest,
thickest cock the queen had ever seen. He then thrust
his hips back and forth three or four times to show
exactly what he intended do with his massive, 13 inch
prick.

The queen, all flustered and embarrassed, quickly gave
him the clover and hurried on her way.

This went on for many months. The queen grew used
to seeing the trolls equipment and even began fantasizing
about how it would be to let the troll screw her. After all,
the king was just of an average size, and he was all she
had ever been with. It got to the point where her panties
would get damp at the thought of making the journey
across the bridge.

One fateful day, as she approached the bridge, she
thought "What the hell, you only live once" and threw
her clover away.

When she reached the bridge the troll was waiting. "I
am the troll who lives under the bridge and YOU must
pay a toll ... a four leaf clover if you please ... or bend
over on your knees."

"My goodness" said the queen looking in the pocket of
her dress, "I seem to have lost my four leaf clover. It
looks like I will have to take the second choice today."

So the troll helps the queen off her horse and leads her
down under the bridge where there is a beautiful bed of
flowers. She lifts her dress, slips off her silky royal
panties, bends over and gets down on her knees on the
flowers. As soon as he enters her soaking wet pussy
she realizes why he is called a "magic troll."

The troll screws the queen like she has never been
screwed before in all her life. Echoes of the queens
moans and gasps of pleasure bounce off the ravine
walls for the next couple of hours. When they are
finally done, they lay exhausted in the flowers.

"I have to admit ..." said the queen, "I'm kind of glad I
lost my clover."

"Oh, I hear that one all the time" replies the troll.

"Do many ladies come by here who have lost their
clover" says the queen coyly.

"Oh no" replies the troll ... "But your husband, the King,
loses his every single time..."

New Years Resolutions You Have No Chance At Keeping

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!"

Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes

I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 facebook accounts.

I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!

I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.

Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine

Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.

I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them

I will think of a password other than "password"
 
Cyberbia..

I turn on my computer and I'm looking for some action.
I see my online lover and beg for satisfaction.
We go to a private room and you know what happens next.
We think and type and talk about different kinds of sex.

Just about 9 days pass and I find I'm feeling ill.
Maalox, Pepto NOTHING will make my stomach chill.
I mention it to my online love & we try to figure it out.
A few more days have passed & my stomach's sticking out!

So, now my head is spinning I don't know what to do.
I'm having sex with no one, EXCEPT...my online boo.
No, wait just a minute. Please tell me this can't be!
He cannot get me pregnant by having cyber sex with me!

I call the local clinic and explain the situation.
All the nurses laugh at me, I'm crying in frustration.
My stomach's getting bigger with every passing day.
Who would have thought you could get pregnant this way?

A pregnancy test was taken, it came back with a yes.
I Instant messaged my online lover and put him to the test.
I told him of my feelings and all my gaining weight.
I told him we were parents and gave him my due date.

When all the shock was over, he gave me an online *kiss*.
He told me that he loved me & he'd help me get through this.
My stomach starts to ache I go run to my mom.
I feel the need and start to push & out pops a CD ROM!!

I put it in the computer and while I wait, I pace.
When soon on my computer, comes a beautiful baby's face!
You know this story's fiction but before you take a risk,
put on a cyber condom...before you get some cyber dick!

It seemed soooo real

Track Team Steroids

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team’s performance soars. They win the county, state and eventually national championship. A few days before the international grand finals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, “Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.” “What?” the coach says in a panic, “How far down does it go?” Penelope replies, “Down to my testicles. That’s something else I want to talk to you about.”
------
An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco,
Crisssssssco!"
Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in
aisle D."
The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff.
I'm calling my husband."
The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"
The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when
we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"
"Lard ass."
------
There are essentially four kinds of sex …
HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX – After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “FUCK YOU”.
COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.
-----
Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles
removed?
Yeah...now he has no ears.

-----
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
She said "Depends on what's in it for me."
 


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