JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Marriage Contract For Women

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...
Section 1.
In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes,wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01
And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02
I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
Section 2.
I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
` Section 3.
Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01
I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
Section 3.02
And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4.
After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01
I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
Section 5.
In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01
I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02
I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine month pregnancy.
Section 5.03
I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04
I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...
Section 6.
After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have"ruined me for other men".
Section 6.
I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.
Section 6.01
With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
Signed ____________________________________ (female)

 

[melody]

Mrs. Schmidlap

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
*******
One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.
He said to her, “If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle.”
The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, “If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”
The wife grabbed her husband’s penis and replied, “and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your bother!”
*******
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

 

[melody]

A Public Men's Room

A man walks into a public men's room.

His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply,
fingers spread apart.

He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please
unzip my fly?"

The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who
appears to be crippled.

He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for
something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants.

Next, the man asks him to hold his cock while he pees.

The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.

Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his
cock back in his pants.

"Oh, I can take care of that," the first man says, blowing on his
fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."

*********
I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutsiness. Tugging on her leash was a well groomed terrier.
As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have."
"Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is isn't it?"
"Yes it is" I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing."
"Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile.
"Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what's your dog's name?"
"Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?"
"Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky'?"
"Because he fucks pigs!"

Dear Wife, Dear Husband...

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, with
your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
perturbed I shall be back home before midnight."

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining
room table:


"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to
take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At
the same time, I would like to inform you that while you read this, I
will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who, like
your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with
your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in
the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a
lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back
before lunch time tomorrow."


There once was a lady named Dot,
Who lived off the pig shit and snot,
When she ran out of these,
She ate the green cheese,
That she grew on the sides of her twot!

Ching Chong Chinaman went to milk a cow,
Ching Chong Chinaman didn't know how,
Ching Chong Chinaman pulled the wrong tit,
Ching Chong Chinaman covered in shit!

 

[melody]

Raise In Salary

Salary Increase

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for
the following reasons
> I do physical labor
> I work at great depths
> I plunge headfirst into everything I do
> I do not get weekends off or public holidays
> I work in a damp environment
> I don't get paid overtime
> I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
> I work in high temperatures
> My work has the potential to expose me to contagious
diseases

Reply

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for
the following reasons:
> You do not work 8 hours straight
> You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
> You do not always follow the orders of the management team
> You do not stay in your allocated position, and often Visit other areas
> You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
> You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
> You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,
Such as wearing the correct protective clothing
> You'll retire well before reaching 65
> You're unable to work double shifts
> You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed
the days work
> And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags
> Sincerely
> The Management

There once was a girl from Sydney,
Who could take it right up to her kidney,
But a guy from Quebec,
Shoved it up to her neck,
He had a long one, now didn't he!
*****
On the banks of the Thames stood Lord Buckingham,
Dreaming of tits and of sucking em,
Whilst watching the stunts,
Of the cunts in the punts,
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking em!"
*****
Undressing a maiden named Sue,
Her seducer exclaimed, "If it's true,"
"That a nipple a day,"
"Keeps the doctor away,"
"Think how healthy you must be with two!"
*****
Two school kids around Aberystwyth,
Made love with the lips that they kissed with,
But as they got older,
They also got bolder,
Making love with the things that they pissed with!
*****
Two lesbians North of the town,
Made sixty-nine love on the ground,
Their unbridled lust,
Leaked out in the dust,
And made so much mud that they drowned!
*****
There was an old man of the port,
Whose prick was remarkably short,
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick, it's a wart!"
*****
Once a young gay from Khartoum,
Took a lesbian up to his room,
They argued all night,
Over who had the right,
To do what, and with which and to whom!
*****
The Duchess when pouring tea,
Asked, "Do you fart when you pee?",
I replied with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?",
And I think that was one up to me!
*****
There was a young girl from Hoboken,
Who claimed that her hymen was broken,
From riding her bike,
On a cobblestone pike,
But it really was broken from pokin!
*****
There once was a girl from Belize,
Who could put fruit up her cunt with ease,
If your drinking some tea,
When she has to pee,
Just ask, "Some lemon juice please!"
*****
There once was a girl who couldn't shit,
Because she kept playing with her clit,
The doctor said, "Stop!"
So she pulled off her top,
And started to play with her tit!
*****
There was an old man of Duluth,
Whose cock was shot off in his youth,
He fucked with his nose,
And his fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth!

 

[option1978]

Late one night a couple was down a country highway & accidentally ran over a possum. Knowing that mother possums often carry babies in their pouch, the decided to check out the poor animal.

Sure enough, there was a baby & they decided to rescue it. They took it into the car & continue down the road but the little possum, missing the mother & scared, was squirming around like crazy. The wife asked the husband what should she so? He pondered for a minute & said "Well it's so used to be in it's mother's pouch. May be if you unbutton your jeans & put it in 'there', it will get comfortable & quiet down"

She exclaimed "Hell no!!!! I'm not going to do that. That thing is smelly & nasty" in which the husband replied "well, why don't you just hold it's little nose!!!"

---------- Post added at 06:29 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 06:23 PM ----------

A man walks into a pharmacy & bought a pack of condoms. As soon as he paid, he started laughing & walks out. The next day, the same thing happens & this carries on for a few days.

The pharmacist thought that it's odd & asked his assistant to follow the man to see where he goes when he comes & buy his daily pack of condoms. Sure enough, the man returns yet again & repeated his usual antics. The assistant did as what the boss asked him to do & followed the guy to see where he goes.

Half an hour later, the assistant returned to the pharmacy & the boss asked "Well, did you find out where he goes?". The assistant replied "i sure did" "And shere did he goes?", "Over to your house boss"

 

[melody]

Dentist Appointment

After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, Joe remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of pussy on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole 4-oz. bottle of Listerine.

As he arrived at the Dentist's office, he also ate a whole packet of strong mint Tic-Tacs.

His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair. Feeling confident and relaxed, he opened his mouth wide. The Dentist got close and asked, "So, you had a 69 before you came here, eh?"

Joe asked, exasperated, "How did you know? Does my breath still smell like pussy?"

The dentist replied, "No... you have a skid mark on your forehead."
________

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."

The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."

"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."
________

A man had a problem, there was a red ring around his dick. He was really worried so he went to the doctor.

The doctor took a good look at it and then after awhile of uming and ering, he said "Well apply this on it and then come and see me in a few days."

The man was a bit relieved but was still worried about what would happen to his pride and joy. So that night before bed he applied the cream.

Sure enough by the morning the ring had disappeared. He was so happy he went straight to the doctors to tell him the good news.

He showed the doctor the ring was gone and the doctor was pleased.

The man asked him what the cream was.

The doctor replied, "Just lipstick remover."

 

[melody]

Bar Room Chat Translations

"You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)
"I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be 4.50 a pop.)
"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [female] (I'm easy.)
"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [male] (I'm gay.)
"Ever try a body shot?" [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
"Ever try a body shot?" [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)
"I don't feel well, let's go home." [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
"I don't feel well, let's go home." [male] (I'm horny.)
"Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
"What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?)
"Can I have a white Russian?" [male] (I'm really gay.)
"Can I have a white Russian?" [female] (I'm really easy.)
"That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?)
"Can I just get a glass of water?" [female] (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
"Can I just get a glass of water?" [male] (I'm annoying, and cheap to boot.)
"I don't have my ID on me." [female] (I'm 19.)
"I don't have my ID on me." [male] (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)
"Excuse Me." [male to male] (Get the fuck out of the way.)
"Excuse Me." [male to female] (I am going to grope you now.)
"Excuse Me." [female to male] (Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.)
"Excuse Me." [female to female] (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)

 

[melody]

Animal Instincts

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married
very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this
is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal
instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's
cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little
this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good
luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her
husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking
his balls, and I backed over him with the car."

An ode to the hole
That never heals.
The more you touch it
The better it feels.
You can rub it
And scrub it
And brush it like hell,
But you will never get rid
Of that fucking fish smell.

 

[melody]

Garden Of Eden

"Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden,
"what did you and Eve do today?"
"We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.
"Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God.
"Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.
"And then what did you do?" God asked.
"We made mad, passionate love all afternoon."
"Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.
"She's down at the brook washing herself out."
"Oh, no," the Lord moaned." Now all my fish are going to smell like
PUSSY!"
Did you hear about the blonde who got a Toy Poodle for her Birthday??
She Killed It Trying To Get The Batteries Up It's Ass!
Q. Why don't single women fart?
A. They don't have assholes until they get married.
Q: Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?
A: They are cute. They are sweet. And if they give you
any lip, you can bite their friggin' heads off.
There was a dude with long hair walking through the airport in Salt
Lake City. As he was passing a much more conservative couple, he
overheard the asshole husband say, "I can't tell if that's a girl or a
boy."

So the long-haired dude went right up to him and said, "Why don't you
suck my dick and find out."
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.

Bu, called himself "Buck."

Chu called himself "Chuck."

Fu decided to return to China

 

[melody]

Mark Hoffman (a well known weirdo in Utah) was sent to prison and placed in a cell with a huge, burly guy.
When lights-out occurred, the big guy got out of his bunk and said to Hoffman,
"We're going to have sex! You want to be the Mommie or the Daddie?"
A very terrified Hoffman replied,
"Uh, well, I guess I'll be the Daddie."
Then the burley guy said,
"OK then, get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"
What is the definition of a "lucky break?"
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.


What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.

What's the difference between snot and cauliflower?
Kids will eat snot.


What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.
Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: You fuck her.
Q: Why do men have assholes?
A: So they won't be total pricks.
Q: Why do women take longer than men to reach orgasm?
A: Who cares?
Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
This Pole got married, but he was too dumb to know what to do on his wedding night.
"For God's sake, Stan," said his bride, "you take that thing you play with and you put it where I pee."
So he got up and threw his bowling ball in the sink.

 

[melody]

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

"I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a headache
I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails."

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!"

}}}}}}}}}

A guy dies while making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his ass!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

}}}}}}}}}

It is good for woman to meet man in park, but better for man to park meat in woman.
Jack was nimble,but Jack was quick
So Jill preferred the candlestick!
Little Hillbilly Johnny-Lee asks his sister if she has started her period.
"Yes", quoth she, "how did you know?"
"Hmm, I knew dad's cock tasted funny!"
Math teacher: "After 69, what comes next?"

}}}}}}}}}

On their wedding night, Bruce displays his member to his new virgin bride and tells her it's the only one in the world.

She, of course, believes him. He's gone to a conference for a couple of weeks. He returns, only to be questioned by his new wife. 'Bruce,' she says, 'I thought you said you had the only one in the world. But Harry at the drug store has one too.'

'Well, er,' Bruce flusters, 'Harry and I were in the war together, I had two, so I gave him one of mine.'

'Oh. Well, why did you give him the best one?'

 

[option1978]

Chinese Name
A guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the shops, signs & banners in Chinese. At one of the corner, he sees a laundry shop with a very unusual sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry". Wondering how in the world that such name fits here in Chinatown, he walks into the shop & met an old Chinese guy manning the shop.

He asks the old guy "How in the world that did this place get such weird name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry" ?". The old guy replied "It's name after the owner". The visitor continues "Well, who the heck is the owner the?"

The old guy replied "I'm the owner". Stunned, the visitor asked "You? How did you end up with such name?". The old man sighed & continue" Many years ago, i come to this country & was standing in line at the documentation counter. The man infront of me was a big blonder Swede. The documentation officer asked him "what's your name" & the big Swede guy replied Hans Olaffsen. After he is done, the officer then looked at me & asked what's my name & I replied "Sam Ting" (Sam Ting = Same Thing)

Angel a top Christmas Tree
On one Christmas Eve, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. He he was dressing up & pulling his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. He tried on another pair & again it was too tight & it ripped as he pulled them up to his bum. Finally, managed to force himself into the third pair & it feels extremely tight & prayed hard that it doesn't rip again.

As we went on for a final check on the preparation, he found that the elves are on strike & the reindeer had shin splints. That this point Santa was bummed & near boiling, he went into the kitchen for a cold drink to calm down but found that the bottle was empty. Now Santa is really boiling over at the top. Out of sudden, there was a knock on his door. Too pissed off to bother, Santa decided to ignore it but the came another knock followed by a series of knocking. Filled with rage, Santa opened the door & there it was a little angle standing there holding a tree & asked "Hey Santa, what do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?"

Hence......the story of the Angel atop the tree.

3 useless things

Father Brown was walking down the street when he noticed Little Johnny standing at the corner of the street hitting flies & chanting "F**king flies, die die die". Shocked by little Johnny's language, Father Brown approached him & asked what is he doing. Little Johnny replied "i'm getting rid of these f**king flies". Father Brown commented "You shouldn't do that. Flies, like us human beings are equal creation of God & every thing God created served a purpose in life"

Little Johnny replied "F**k that". Getting annoyed, Father Brown asked little Johnny "if you disagree with me, then can you name 3 things that are created by God & doesn't serve any purpose in life?"

Without hesitation, little Johnny replied "A nun's nipples, a monk's testicles & these f**king flies"

 

[melody]

Cruising Down The Highway

A young couple was out cruising one evening.
While driving down the highway, the guy says to the girl,
"I know you love going fast!
"If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off all your clothes?"
"Yes!" she agrees and he begins to speed up.
When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip.
When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives
off the road and flips the car over. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch
but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.
"Go get help," he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says,
"Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas station down the road."
She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs,
and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and
yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks
down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with astonishment,
"I think it's too late . . . he's too far in!"
__________

Q: What's the main difference between mayonnaise and semen?
A: Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles per hour.

Q: Did you hear the one about the homosexual ghosts?
A: They gave each other the willies.

Daffyniton - Jell-O: Kool-Aid with a hardon

Q: How can you get a faggot to fuck a female?
A: Fill up her cunt with shit.

Husband to wife: "When you die, I'm going to inscribe your tombstone: 'Here lies my wife...Cold as usual.'"
Wife to husband: "When you die, I'm going to inscribe your tombstone: 'Here lies my husband...Stiff at last.'"

 

[melody]

The Bus Ride

A guy down on his luck, was reduced to catching the bus.
One day a beautiful young nun boarded the bus and sat down in front of him. She was
such a babe he kept leaning forward to perv on her. Finally, he could control himself no
longer. Leaning forward, he whispered quietly in her ear, "I'd like to fuck you up the arse."
With a gasp of shock the nun jumped to her feet, rang the bell and got off the bus.
A couple of stops later, the bloke was getting off when the driver said, "Hey, what did you
say to that nun?"
"Well, to be honest," said the guy, "she looked so damn good I said I'd like to fuck her
up the arse."
"Shit, no wonder she got off. She's very religious and you shoulda asked her in a more
devout way. As a matter of fact, she goes through the park down the road every night at
about 7.30. Why don't you go there and try a different approach.
The guy had long hair and a beard, so he got himself a robe and waited in the park for
her to come by.
Sure enough, around 7.30, the nun appeared on her way to the convent. Leaping out of the
bushes, the guy shouted, "Hey nun, I'm Jesus, come to fuck you up the arse!"
"No worries, Jesus," said the nun and she bent over and hoisted up her habit.
After the guy had done the deed, remorse set in and he said rather sheepishly, "I'm not
really Jesus."
"That's okay," came the reply. "I'm not really the nun. I'm the bus driver."
=======
A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his
wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, "What the fuck are you doing?"
"Just giving you an aspirin for your headache." The bloke answered.
"But I ain't got a headache," she yelled back.
"Good then, Lets fuck!" said the bloke.

World Women's Conference

At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from
England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about
being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference
I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for
him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day
I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the
third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years'
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no
longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw
nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only
his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years'
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer
do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After
the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing.
But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

====================

A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a
blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off
without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket
of sperm beside the bed.

He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his
life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth.
She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum
into that damned bucket.

The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?"

She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet.
Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."

 

[melody]

Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,

a woman is a bundle of contradiction,

she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,

but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,

she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

she'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,

she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,

at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,

she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

Moods of a Man

Horny

Hungry

Thirsty

Sleepy

_+_+_+_

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there
sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding
horses, mending fences, and branding cattle so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and
asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

_+_+_+_

There was a cat and a rooster wondering by a lake. Both were famished,
looking for any food they could find, but to no avail. Later on, the
rooster finds himself focusing upon a worm, inching its way nearby.
The rooster then proceeds to chase and then pounce on the worm, eating
it quickly. Resting after his meal, he rubs his belly in pure
satisfaction.
The cat looks at the rooster and thinks to himself, "Well, if he can do
it, I can do it." Not long after the rooster eats his worm, the cat
spots a mouse scurrying nearby the lake. The cat raises its tail,
arches its back, and with all its might, attempts to pounce on the
mouse, only to end up in the lake.
What is the moral of the story?
Where there is a satisfied cock, there is a wet pussy!

And That's How/When The Fight Started...

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

 

[melody]

A Midget

A midget walks into the doctors and says, "Doc, I've got these fucking
itchy balls and I can't do anything to stop 'em itching".
The Doc says, "I can see the problem and I'll fix it for ya"
So the Doc pulls out a pair of scissors and tells the Midget to close his eyes.
The midget hears snip, snip snip noises for about 5 minutes.
The doc finishes and says, "How's that?"
The midget says, "Fucking brilliant, what did you do?"
The Doc says, "I trimmed back your ugg boots"

May your bleeding piles torment you
And corns grow on your feet
And crabs the size of horse turds
Get on your balls and eat
And when you're old and feeble
A syphilletic wreck
May your head fall through your asshole
And break your fucking neck
Q: What did the husband do when he saw his wife staggering around the backyard?
A: He reloaded and shot her again!

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

"The People's Poet"
( from Down Under
and has a real Australian flavor)

The country was in such a terrible state,
parliament rose for a budget debate,
It was quite a few moments before Howard spoke
And then he said, "Sex will cost ten quid a poke"

Whether you're short, long skinny or thick,
The tax will be paid on the use of your prick
Costello said ,"Now Howard, please, look here,
Will the tax still be paid for the boys who are queer?"

Minister Downer arose and looked glum,
"Will I be exempt coz I only like Bum?"
Howard replied and sounded quite airy,
"You'll fucking pay double, you dirty old fairy!"

Up got Kim Beazley to tremendous applause,
He grabbed Stott Despoja and whipped off her drawers
He straddled across her and fucked her at will
Then shouted at Howard "Put that on your bill!"

Evans shouted "I think I'll resign,
I haven't had pussy for a very long time
I dream every night of a big juicy crutch
But ten quid a jump is a bit fucking much"

The debate carried on, Oh what a night!
Mal Colston was bonking every woman in sight
The whole house was screwing, the speaker was too
And in the excitement, the dumb bill got through

So now in the bedrooms of Australia each night
There is many a fanny closed up good and tight
They're taxing our booze and taxing our smokes
And now the bastards are taxing our pokes

If ten dollars a time is the price we must pay
It is now with ourselves we all must play,
So to quench our frustration's we must have a wank
For the state of our country we have John Howard to thank!!!!

*********

Q: Why did god invent football?
A: So that married men could have some physical contact in their lives.

Q: Why do woman always appear to be changing their minds?
A: It allows them to continually delude themselves that they have one!

Q: Why hasn't a woman walked on the moon?
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning!

 

[melody]

Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent’s room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
Over beers, two friends were having a discussion about the charms of a certain actress.
"I say she's overrated," said one, "Take away her hair, lips, and her figure, what do you have?"
"My wife!" said the other fellow.
A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, "Hey, whatcha doin' with that pig?"
"That's not a pig, you stupid ass!" she said coldly. "That's a duck."
The drunk replied. "I was talking to the duck."

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been
decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and
walking home they need to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one
of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties,
used them and threw them away. Her friend however was lucky enough to
salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded
to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and
said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home
last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine
came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, `
"From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you.'"
]]]]]
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
]]]]]
What can make you feel really good or be very annoying?
A woman's mouth!
]]]]]
An old couple married for 50+ years hadn't had sex in a very long time and the wife was getting very frustrated. One night when the old man was sitting on the couch watching the game she went into the bedroom and took of all her clothes except for a red towel that she put around her neck like a cape. She then leapt into the living room exclaiming, "IT'S SUPERPUSSY!!!!!!!!!!!" The old man replied, "I'll take the soup."

 

[melody]

Terms for Female Masturbation

5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy Boat
Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Impeaching Bush
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-sauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Spanking Lucy
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Tissue tickling
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket


A guy had never had sex before, so his buddies set him up with this
whore for a couple of hours. He really had NO clue, and when she sat
down on the bed completely naked, she says, "Do you know what I want?"
He looks at her and says, "No" and then she lies down on the bed and
starts rubbing her breasts and moaning she says, "do you know what
I want?" And he says, "No" So then she spreads her legs *wide open* and
starts fingering herself and says, "NOW do you know what I want?" And
he says, "Yeah - you want the whole fucking bed to yourself!"

Sever Sex Problems

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems
with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not
seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked,
"Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well,
yes, I did once." "Well, how did he look?" "Very angry" At this point
the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said,
"Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell
me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex;
that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that
time?" "He was looking through the window at me."
____________

Q: How does a man manage to keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs, and diamonds.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Daffynition - Mistress: something in between a mister and a mattress.
Q: How can you tell if it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look in your pants. If you have a dick, it's not time.

Q: At what point does a priest need a prescription for Viagra?
A: When his altar boy class exceeds 10 members.

 

[melody]

The Perfect Woman Would Say...

1. I'll swallow it all ... I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a
case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for
a threesome!

5. If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please
try again?

7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go
shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's
asses.

12. I'll be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you
had time to play on Saturday, too.

14. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again,
come see!

15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing
and buy yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year for
God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful
stress reliever.

20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new
strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't
you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for
the night feedings.

24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind
my head for ya!

Confession

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me
father for I have sinned."

"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"

"I had sex with a girl."

"Who was it, Tommy?"

"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"

"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot
tell you who it was."

"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" "No father, please
forgive me for my sin."

"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."

"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it
was."

"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and
you will be abolished of your sin."

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph
was waiting.

"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.

"Well I got 5 hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."

"""""""""""
Two mates are having a chat over a beer.
"Do you like sheilas with bad body odor and bad breath?" one bloke asks his friend.
"No way!" his mate replies.
"Well," says the first bloke, "do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?"
"Fuck no!" his mate replies.
"Well," says the first bloke, "what the hell are you doing fuckin' around with my wife?"

 

[melody]

Dear Santa (From Barbie)

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing
at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and
I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm
gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna
be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm
sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits
gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro
crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear
to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway?
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct;

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct;

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just
get it done;

6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about
a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a
hooker....for goodness sake!

8. A new, more '2008 persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with
a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and
a bag of chips;
"Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake
fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable
Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum;

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 42 years--I think I deserve it; Ok,
Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't
think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find
yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Up yours truly,
Barbie

Ken's Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes
in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In
addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about
me, my ability to please, and my some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues
concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT
deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with
Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette,
evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to changes our hair style. I
personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great
length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator
Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken" ? In addition, there
are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken"
"Green Lantern Ken" "Chippendale Ken" ... "Master Ken" These would
more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.

And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need
bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would
also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue
before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the
blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others.
And Barbie can forget about having G.I.Joe - he's mine.

Real sincerely,
Ken

The Bride And Groom

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his
place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom
has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man
says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married,
but what's up - you look so excited."

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had
in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who
gave it to me."

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the
biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices
this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be
getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."

The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my
entire life!"


At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time
looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any
'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"


Q: What always happens to the blonde who puts her panties on backwards?
A: She gets her ass chewed out.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is really conceited?
A: She screams out her own name when she comes.

Q: What is the ultimate dilemma for a blonde?
A: Meeting a guy with herpes and a big dick.
A blonde goes into a bar and orders a beer.
"Anheuser-Busch?" asks the bartender.
"Fine, thanks. And how's your cock?"