JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

Blonde Moments

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
******
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, Doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll just take off your underpants and get up on the examining table..."

"Well, all right, Doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby."
*****
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: First...pick them up off the floor...
*****
A blonde is telling one of her friends, “Christmas is on a Friday this year. Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
*****
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
******
A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
******
A blond spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
******
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
******
A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic. Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.

"Here boy!" she replies.
*******
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
*******
(This one actually makes sense...lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."


Important News For Women On Sex And Health...

~*~ Every blowjob you give adds one month to your life.

~*~ If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five
porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.

~*~ A hand-job a day keeps arthritis away.

~*~ Every ten minutes of love-making is equivalent to thirty minutes on
the treadmill.

~*~ Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

~*~ Intercourse prevents divorce.

~*~ Regular screwing releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of
brain cells.

~*~ Sex eliminates headaches.

~*~ Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard,"
triples your chances of getting into heaven.

~*~ Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your
lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

Two men were discussing how tight ass cold their wives were regarding
sex. The first fellow says "My wife's so cold I can put a glass of water
in bed with her and the next morning its turned to ice."

The second fellow says "Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs
the furnace kicks in!"

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

First soft drink maker

Q: Who was the first soft drink maker?
A: Adam-He made Eve's cherry pop

First carpenter

Q: who was the first carpenter?
A: Eve- she made Adams banana stand

The logo

Q: What's the logo for the new Polish tampon?
A: "We may not be number 1, but were still up there!"

The earthquake

Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?
A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.

Statements / True Meanings

Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."

Statement: "I need you."
True Meaning: "My hand is tired."

Statement: "I am different from all the other guys."
True Meaning: "I am not circumcised."

Statement: "I want a commitment."
True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation."

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."

Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it."
True Meaning: "Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my
head."

Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the
head might be necessary."

Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."

Statement: "I miss you so much."
True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to
look good."

Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
True Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?"

Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"

Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find
out sooner or later."

Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on
their way to tell you by now."

Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."

Statement: "I'll give you a call."
True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than
see you again."

Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."

Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

90909090909

Michael Jackson strolls up to a little boy on the street corner and says,
“Would you like to see my new puppy?”
The little boy says, “For $20.00 I’ll even play with his bone.”

Michael Jackson in a car pulls up to a schoolboy and says, “Hey little
boy, I’ll give you $100 if you let me spank your sweet tight little ass.”
“Like fucking hell," he replied, "I’ll give you $200 if you let me
smash your old useless dick with a hammer.”
 
An Old Hooker

A fifty year old hooker walked into a bar and stood next to a young
male customer who was having a boilermaker. "Hi. My name is Hot Mary,
and I've been hooking for decades. I'll bet I could teach a young stallion
like you some new tricks," she opened.
The man looked at her in disgust, noticing her fat ass, her sagging
tits, her hard and wrinkled face. "So, you think you could show me something
I've never seen before?"
"Yep. Watch." She lifted her leg over the stool next to him and sat
down on it. And promptly sank all the way down to the floor of the bar.


Q: Did you hear about the fag in biology class?
A: Why all the other students were dissecting frogs, he kept opening flies.

Q: What is the primary difference between eating pussy and eating sushi?
A: The rice.

Q: What is the difference between worry and panic?
A: Twenty-eight days.

Q: What is the difference between a Polish woman and a Bigfoot?
A: One is 6 feet tall, dirty, hairy, and smelly, and the other just
has really big feet.

Q: Where do female airline pilots sit?
A: In the cuntpit.

Two whores were walking down the street when one said, "Hey! Do I
smell cock?"
"Nope," was the answer. "That's just my breath."
Q: Did you hear about the new jeans Calvin Klein designed for faggots?
A: They have kneepads in front and a zippered trapdoor on the ass.

Q: What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
A: Well, the hematologist pricks your finger...

Q: What did the queer masochist say when he entered the Western bar?
A: "I'll bet any man in this place can whip me."
Q: What do you call a faggot who has had a vasectomy?
A: A seedless fruit.

Q: How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
A: All he cared about was legs, breasts, and thighs.

Q: How can you tell if it's time to wash the dishes and clean the house?
A: Peer inside your pants...if you have a dick it isn't time.

How Vibrators Are Better Than Men!

`It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.

`Vibrators don't prematurely ejaculate

`A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."

`They don't get tired after the first time

`You never have to lie to a vibrator by saying it was good or ... that you had an orgasm.

`Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on TV ... or Fishin'!

`Vibrators never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries when it tires.

`Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!

`You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to!

`Vibrators don't hog the remote ... Nor the computer!!

`We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.

`Position is your choice, not his.

`You don't have to suck it.

`It works "while" the sports games are on.

`It always is hard.

`It doesn't leave a mess behind.

`You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.

`It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.

`It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.

`You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.

`You don't have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested in it the next morning.

`They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.

`They never drink too much and embarrass you.

`You don't have to tell the vibrator he's the best you ever had!

`Safe sex without a rubber

`Vibrators don't ask who your Daddy is

`Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times!

`Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime anywhere you want!!

`They never ask how they were.

`They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.

`You don't have to stroke its ego.

`They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another get-go.

`It doesn't leave a wet spot.

`You can carry it with you at all times, and not feel obligated to feed it.

`It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard

`It has no problem finding the "g spot."

`You know exactly where its been.

`Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.

A Vacuum Cleaner

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

'Don't be too hasty!' he said.

'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

What part of broke do you not understand?'
____________ _________ _________ __

A man with no arms and no legs was sitting on a blanket at the beach.

Three women were walking past and felt really sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a big hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman (a divorcee) came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f*****d?'

The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

Dream Catcher/Western
There was a young girl from Wick
Who said "mother what is a dick" ?
She said "my dear Annie"
It goes in your fanny
& jumps up and down till its sick
____________ _________ _________ __

There was a young girl in Berlin
Who ecked out a living through sin.
She didn't mind fucking,
But much preferred sucking,
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
____________ _________ _________ __

There was a young girl who begat
Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
T'was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
When she found there's no tit for Tat
 
Little Johnny

Little Johnny was saying his prayers one night, and ended with
"God bless Grandpa." In the morning the family discovered Grandpa dead
in his bed. Johnny explained the possible link between his special
prayer the night before and the sudden death, but no one paid him heed.
The next night Johnny prayed, "God bless Grandma." She too was found
dead the next morning, and when Johnny told of his prayer, everyone became
very concerned.
On the third night Johnny prayed, "God bless Pa." Johnny's mother told
her husband of the prayer, and he became instantly paranoid and was unable
to sleep a wink. In the morning he dragged his ass to work. At the end of
the day he returned and complained,
"What a horrible day! No sleep last night, accidents at work, and
everyone arguing!"
"Hah! You think you had a bad day!" said his wife, "The mailman
dropped dead on our front porch this morning."

Q: What is the most tasteless song you can play at an oldster's dance?
A: Taps.

Q: What is a 6.9?
A: It's a 69 interrupted by a period.
Daffynition - Hijacking: a masturbating astronaut.
A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell...'
2 doctors are laying in bed after having sex. The guy says "You must be an OBGYN because you can work that pussy." The woman says "You must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing."

In's and Out's Of Sucking A Boil

There once was a man who lived in New York whose name was Joe. He had learned a trade from his father years ago, and he still practiced it, even in modern times. His father taught him all of the in's and out's of how to suck a boil clean of all it's nasty puss and other ingredients, and he prospered at this occupation, advertising in the Yellow Pages, getting referral business, and word of mouth (Yuck!) advertising.

One day, Joe received a call from a woman who had heard of his talents. She told Joe that she had a rather large boil that was festered, and needed it taken care of. Joe assured her that it would be no problem, his standard fee was $50.00, and the deal seemed to be firm. The woman gave directions to her house and set up a time for Joe to perform his work.

Upon arriving at the woman's house, he immediately started to work. He told the woman to expose the boil, and he would take care of it post haste.At this point, the woman told Joe that the boil was in extremely sensitive area of her body, about 1/4 inch below her vagina. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be another $20.00". She agreed, and then told Joe that there was another problem: She was in the middle of the heaviest part of her period. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be an additional $30.00".

Again, she agreed, so Joe started to practice his trade.

After about 10 minutes into sucking the boil dry, the woman couldn't help herself, and cut a tremendous fart. Joe, his mouth dripping with puss, pulled away from his task and asked "What are you doing, trying to make me sick?"
*****
Complaining to his wife because they were flat broke again, the guy said, "If your tit's would give milk, we wouldn't have to feed the cow. And if your cunt would lay eggs, we could sell the chickens!"
"Yeah," said his wife, "and if your cock would get hard, we could get rid of your brother!"
If a Ram is a Sheep,
And an Ass is a Donkey,
Then how come a ram in the ass is a Goose?
Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local
minister comes walking around the corner. The minister says, "My, Farmer
Petrovich, you're certainly giving that sheep a beating. You wouldn't
do that to your wife, would you?" The farmer says, "I would if she
farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her!"


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years when by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts in.
Some time later she heard her husband wake and let rip the usual trouser trumpet which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
-------------
What do you get if you cross your wife with a pitbull?
Your very last blowjob!
Heaven is when you have barrels of beer and tons of girls.
Hell is when you find out that the barrels have holes and the girls don't!
 
Things Overheard At The STD Clinic

The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a
public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for Sexually
Transmitted Diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two
decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate
I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and
my face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell
you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiance and then douched with Lysol--feelin'
a little raw down there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old
homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis
over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the
sores, they smell like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my
other new baby's momma has disease."

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat
before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust
either of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my
armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline
out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my
brain and had sex with me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a
'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."

Home Remedies!

1. If you are chocking on an ice cube don't panic. Simply pour a kettle of freshly boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid argument with the missus about lifting toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High Blood pressure sufferers: Make an incision in your left or right wrist and bleed yourself for several hours, reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough

7. Avoid the mess when your toilet backs up, use the yard.



For those that humor passes them by: Note these are NOT recommended by Paul!


Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible.

So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs.

Nine months later, the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs.

"Wow," one of the gay men says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here."

A nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass."

Watermelon

A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning
of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide
to take a stroll down the beach.

On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting
on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark
naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.

The husband sees this and liking the idea of his
new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her
whether she would do the same.

The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.

The second morning they pass the shanty house
again and, sure enough, the overweight woman
is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo,
eating another slice of watermelon.

Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the
husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you
go over and ask that woman what it feels like to
sit there naked, letting the air waft over your
pussy?"

The wife again refuses.

This continues each morning for two weeks
until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each
morning they would pass by the woman, each
morning the husband would try to persuade his
new wife to copy her and each morning the wife
would refuse.

However, it being the last morning the husband
gives it one more try and enquires of his wife,
"Why don't you go over and ask that woman
what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the
air waft over your pussy?"

The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the
shanty house and walks up to the overweight
woman on the front porch. "What does it feel
liketo sit there naked, letting the air waft over
your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.

"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it
sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."


Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven ....
A: She didn't know which 1 came first.

Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
A: You call them up and tell them you can't cum

Q: Why do women prefer older gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands!

Q: What do you call a bunch of lesbians with yeast infections?
A: A wine and cheese party!
 
Cardiovascular

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system.
He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die.
First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed.
On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked So,
I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did the tell you?
You're going to die, she replied

Old Pick-up Lines

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place
like...where exactly are we again?"

"Do you smell that? That's either love, or
I used too much ointment this morning."

"Yes, I'm 92... but I have the body of a
78-year-old."

"WHO'S your granddaddy?"

"Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid
sapphire pools. Your blue hair, too."

"Hey babe, looking for a good time? How's
about coming home with me and...
Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z."

=====

Q. Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A. Because it kept falling out when she stood up.

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable
word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles
and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful!'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
@@@
A woman is complaining to her friend about her marriage.
Her friend says, "Yeah, I understand, I guess there isn't anymore magic
in your life."
"Oh, no, there's still some magic! Every Saturday night he disappears!"
@@@
A guy pulls up in his car next to a very young boy and opens the window. "If I give you a sweetie will you come in my car?"
To which the little boy answers "If you give me the whole bag I will come in your face!"
@@@
Two vomits are walking down the street when one of them starts to cry.
"What's wrong with you?" asked the first vomit.
"Ohhhh," said the second vomit, "This is the area I was brought up in!"
@@@
A guy came home from work, "Honey, where are you?"
"I'm upstairs douching," his wife answered.
"I told you never to talk like that!" he yelled.
"What do you want," she called out, "good grammar or good taste?"
@@@
Mary had a little lamb,
she kept it in her yard
And when she took her panties off,
his wooly dick got hard

Strange 'facts' (?)

What occurs more often in December than any other month?
Conception.

Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it?
Skinny dipping.

What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show?
No theme song/music.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
Their birthplace. This is propinquity.

Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
Obsession

More women do this in the bathroom than men.
Wash their hands. Women * 80% - Men - 55%

What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
Gain weight.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell.
Banana

If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
One thousand

What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
All invented by women.

Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men.
Change their underwear.

This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.
A kiss

This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
Honey

There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year.
Father's Day

What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic?
He was allergic to carrots.

40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?
Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.
Wear underwear.

What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% carbon dioxide?
A fart.

About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting?
Flush the toilet.

What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"?
Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.

85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this.
Cheating on their wives.
 
Last Request

The doctor walks up to John in the hospital. He says, "I'm sorry, but
your wife is very weak. I don't expect her to make it through the night.
Try to comfort her as best you can..."

John goes into her room, and says, "Dear, the doctor says things are
very bleak. Is there anything I can do to comfort you in your last
hours?"

She says, "Well, all these years we've been married, I'd always wished
that one day you'd fuck me in the ass, but you never have. Would you
please do that?"

John is astounded, but it's her last request, so he figures he should do
whatever she wants. Face it, he's thrilled. So, he rolls her over, lifts
her nightie, and proceeds to skewer her manure. Really stirs her lunch
for her, boffs her in the potty spot for hours.

The next morning the doctor looks in on her, and he can't believe it.
She's made an incredible rally, and is rapidly regaining her strength
and her health. By noon, she's up and walking. The doctor is
flabbergasted.

He pulls John out into the hall and says, "My God, man, she's like new!
She's going to live to be a hundred and twenty. What the hell did you do
in there?"

John is a little embarrassed by the whole situation. He says, "Well,
Doc, I...I...I just...I just fucked her in the ass for a while."

The doctor starts to cry uncontrollably.

John says, "Doc, what's wrong?"

The doctor says, "I could have saved my father!

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

I'll tell, with the homos, it's not the dicks in their mouth and their
fannies...it's the not liking tits that I can't understand. I'd let a
guy fuck me in my ass if I could play with his girlfriend's tits while
he was doing it. Right?
Jackie Martling


What's the difference between a sheep and a door?
You can't bang a door in the middle of a field.

What's the difference between an ironing board and a blonde?
It's hard to get an ironing board's legs open.


What's the difference between a Nun and a whore in a bubble bath?
The Nun has hope in her soul!


"Dad, what are you doing?"

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises
from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered
their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all
they were worth.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"
"It's ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby, that's all."
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was
pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and
was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his
father.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"
"Son, there's been a change of plan," his father replied.
"Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."
XXXXX
What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South?
A homo-sex-y'all.
The dumbest part of a mans body is his penis.....
It hangs out with a couple of nuts,
lives next door to an asshole
and his best friend is a pussy!
How do you recycle toilet paper?
Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.

What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
At least when you are eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of
you.
Why did the blonde pee on the floor?
Because the sign said "wet floor."

How does a blonde moonwalk?
She pulls down her panties and slides her butt along the floor.

XXXXX

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND,
the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

zzzzz

The teacher once asked the class to make a sentence with the phrase
"pistol too".
Little Jimmy raised his hand, and after being recognized, said
The lone Ranger tamed the wild west with his faithful Indian companion
and his pistol too.
Very good says the teacher.
Little Johnnie raised his hand, and after being called on said
Down at our house we make homebrew, drink till twelve and piss till two.

zzzzz

A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and
went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in
the mail box again. She did this several times and her neighbor that was
watching her said, You must be expecting a very important letter today
the way you keep looking into your mail box...
The blonde answered no, I am working on my computer and it keeps
telling me that I've got mail.
 
What Every Young Girl Should Know:
( Very long but very informative )

WHAT KIND OF MAN MAKES THE BEST LOVER?
Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually
strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean
waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually
unconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men
who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in
fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These "men" often have
a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive
trinkets to compensate for their affliction.

Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want don't need to
alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with
slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of
flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you
think they call them "love handles"?)
One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing
rumors about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are
discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!

HOW..."BIG"...SHOULD A MAN BE?
Don't by shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by
confusion. The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men
substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to
cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is slightly larger
than a ballpoint pen.

HOW..."LONG"...SHOULD A MAN LAST?
Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable
thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up
to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a man who can
"last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends
know you've landed one of these desirable "sixty second wonders."

HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM?
The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words, but
most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it "feels like something
inside of you." When a man's penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or
ass, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies the
same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a little
something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a vague
sensation that there could be "more to come," that "vaguely unsatisfied"
feeling," then you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable
adventure.

WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?
There is no such thing.

WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?
This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If
you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you'll see the a man's penis
fits naturally into a woman's mouth. On the other hand, a man's mouth
does not naturally fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman orally
stimulating a man is performing a "natural" act. But a man seeking to
put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an "unnatural" act
(why do you think they call the vagina your "private parts"?)

WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?
Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh,
followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are
"GIB." Another example of male "afterplay" is his turning on a football
or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a
particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the kitchen
and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack,
sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted
calories.

WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?
Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man
properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she
tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If
this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting
your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to
invite a really good-looking girlfriend over, and do whatever he asks,
to him or to each other, while he watches.

HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?
One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress.
Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help
get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on one." Invite
your more attractive and energetic girlfriends over to take part.
Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names.
Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you where
he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends an air of
real "mystery" to the affair.

HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?
When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on
a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, go
to a 'local' about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you've
found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse,
wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute, can I buy
you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will
naturally progress from here.

SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:

Q: "If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?"
A: There is absolutely no way to tell.

Q: "What's the best way to keep my teeth and skin looking healthy and
shiny?"
A: One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen.
The more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better you'll
look.

Q: "What are some "loving nicknames" we can use?"
A: You should always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him, "King
Kong," "Master," or "stud." Men often call their favorite lovers, "Hey
you" or "Uh, Miss?"

Q: "Where should a man take me?"
A: Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for
fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds
for a snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he's
thinking about.

Q: "What happens if he doesn't call?"
A: He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to
your 'local' and look to see if he's come back. If he doesn't, find
another person who sort of looks like him and maybe writes or works for
a humor magazine, then try the "Can I buy you a drink?" technique with
him. You may find you've met a new, exciting lover.

Sex On Mars

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.


The mortician calls Mrs. Banley, and says, "Excuse me Mrs. Banley, but I can't seem to close the lid to your husband's coffin because he has a huge erection." To which she replies, "Why don't you cut it off and stick it up his ass? That's the only hole in town it hasn't been in."


*A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."
*I've never gone to bed with an ugly man, but I've woken up with a few.
*Patient: "Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."

*Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass!"


An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."

Three Babies

There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up.

The first one said "I wanna be a plumber."

The others laughed at this, and asked "why a plumber?"

He replied, "so I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician."

The others laughed at this and asked "why an electrician?"

He replied, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said "I wanna be a boxer."

The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, "why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "so I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"
-----------
There was nothing to do on this Thursday night, so the two co-eds were just hanging around the apartment.

Brenda, who was dressed in only a in bra and panties, was jiggling back and forth around their place doing some chores.

Abby, who was sitting on the bed, decided this was the night that she would reveal her secret to her room mate.

"Take a break", Abby said to her friend, "Come over here and sit down".

As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and kissed her full on the lips.

"I've always wanted to tell you something" Abby said, "It's kinda hard to say this... Well, let me be frank".

Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky voice:
"No darling... Let me be Frank
 
British Humor

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!
———————————————————–
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did….
she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.
———————————————————–
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
“paedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
———————————————————–
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low
cut tops…. although, they do make me look a bit gay.
———————————————————–
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”
———————————————————–
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class givehim a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop

before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
———————————————————–
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn’t follow you home after you lay it.
———————————————————–
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend…****
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.****
Or in other words……….. B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
———————————————————–
Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Only used it for half
an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It does everything -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot..”
———————————————————–
Question – Are there too many immigrants in Britain?****
17% said yes; 11% said No;
72% said “I am not understanding the question please.”
———————————————————–
On my Census form there is a question “Do you have any dependants?”
Apparently putting “Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums,
Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people” isn’t the
right answer.
They’ve sent my form back!
———————————————————–
Prince William says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his
wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn’t give a toss, he’s still going.
———————————————————–
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can’t afford batteries!
———————————————————–
Some ba#stard’s just pinched a pair of my wife’s panties off the washing
line. She’s not bothered about the panties but she wants the 12 clothes
pins back.

Amazing!!

Can you read the following paragraph? Most people can! Amazing!

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it
__________
One Payday Mr. Goodbar wanted a Bit O'Honey so he took Miss Hershey back in the Power house on the corner of Clark & Fifth Ave. He began to feel her Mounds and that was sure Almond Joy which made his Tootsie Roll. He let out a Snicker and his Butterfingers went up her Kit Kat and caused a Milky Way. She screamed "O Henry" and squeezed his Zagnuts. Miss Hershey said you were even better than the Three Musketeers. Soon she was a bit Chunky. Nine months later she had a Baby Ruth.
__________
Love is a temptation caused by a sensation
which a man sticks his location into a girls destination
which doubles the population for the next generation
do you need an explanation or do you need a demonstration?
__________
One sperm says to another: How long will it take to get to the womb??????
The other sperm replies: Quite a while we have to pass the tonsils first!!!!!
__________
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
‘What have you got there?’
Said the pie man unto Simon,
‘Pies, you dumb ass’ !!
__________
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.
__________
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad……..
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

A Little Old Lady

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door
of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily
hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks
the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss? "

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we
do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave
aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss
thththiiickkk? "

The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww
ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"


A Swiss scientist has invented a new bra!
It offers more support which will prevent a woman's breasts from
bouncing around, and will keep her nipples hidden......
....even in cold temperatures....

After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside
where a large group of men beat the shit out of him.
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a
monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver what
the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with
the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the
dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls
out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.

When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up,
puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that?" said the trucker.

The man said, "Yeah."

The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"

The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
 
Ultimate Rejection Lines

... I'd rather have my nipples chewed off...by a pack of wild
dogs.

... I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose...until the
back of his head caves in!

... I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater.

... I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of
alcohol.
... I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.

... I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while
being bitch whipped by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros.

... I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my
rectum.

... I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine...and piss on a
forest fire.

... I'd rather suck cow snot...through a straw.

... I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.

... I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle...
in the nude.

... I'd rather bungee jump...with the harness tied to my penis
with your mom lying naked in the landing zone.

... I would rather dry fuck a polar bear...in a phone booth.

... I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back
and then find out it's the wrong one.
... I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed
hemorrhoids.

... Life is like a dick ... When it gets hard ... Screw it!

... I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the
NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5
pulling a separate nut in a different direction.

... I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter
and not a twist off either.

... I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer
and then wear wool socks...in August.

... I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass...after he just
finished taking a shit.
... I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a dull
barber's razor...and no water or soap.

... I'd rather French kiss a barracuda.

... I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass...with a short
stick.

... I'd rather butt fuck a rattlesnake... in a gunnysack.

Attention All Heterosexual Men!

Are you unhappy with your lifestyle?

Do you yearn for more in entertainment than monster truck shows have to offer?

Do beer commercials leave you bored and uninterested?

Are you tired of being a decade behind in fashion?

Do you wish you had a nice apartment like the ones on "Will& Grace"?

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Act now, and you'll be on your way to living a fabulous, glamorous life as a HOMOSEXUAL!

For a limited time, homosexuals are recruiting heterosexual men to become just like us! Let us help you in your transformation from bland to faboo!

We'll give you all the steps you'll need to be a happy, healthy fairy,

like

* How to have sex with a man and not NEED the six pack of beer!

* How to make your home Architectural Digest-ready - with extra tips on antiques, throw pillows, and foreign art!

* The "secret" list of essential Madonna and Cher CDs you MUST own.

* That tongue trick invented (circa 1978) in a back alley in NYC!

* The address of Ricky Martin's "private" fan club!

* Why you must "JUST SAY NO" to bi-level haircuts!

* Dance steps for even the most rhythmically impaired and why dancing with a shirt on is a no-no unless you haven't been going to the gym.

* Why you MUST go to the gym!

* Gaydar lessons you'll finally know the truth about that unusual Uncle.

* Our "In" and "Out" list for the current week.

* Style and grooming tips no self-respecting gay man should be without (say good-bye to that uni-brow)!

* How to wear a G-string with poise and dignity (we'll even insert a few bucks to get you started).

* A dialect coach to assist in "gay lingo" learn terms like twinkie, muscle bunny, drama queen and their importance in conversation.

* Significant historical dates you'll need to know, like the year Donna Summer won her first Grammy, Barbara's wedding anniversary, and the day Judy died!

ACT NOW AND YOU'LL RECEIVE A CLOSET DOOR (removed, of course) TO SYMBOLIZE YOUR FREEDOM!
Don't delay any longer!

Don't you want to have more women hanging off you than when you were straight?

Call 1-800-GET-FABS to BEGIN YOUR LIFE AS A FABULOUS FAG!!!
Call today.
Operators are standing by!
Offer void in Kentucky and Tennessee.

---------- Post added at 05:18 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 11:18 AM ----------

Filthy Funny Sexual Positions

Comet Trail: After shooting your wad in some ho's mouth, slap her briskly across the cheek. If it's a clear, starry night, and the crack is brisk enough, a long strand of man sherbet should streak up her cheek and into her hair, resembling a tail of a comet. Making her sit on a telescope during the deed is only intended for the most wily astronomer.

Jackhammer: You start doing a girl from behind, and you quickly pull out and put it in her ass, then pull out and put in back into her pussy. Repeat that until she looses all control over her body and her arms collapse, then pull out and spunk in her hair.

Paul Bunyan Log Slam: Get a girl to shit for you, and when the turtle head starts to show, slam your dick right in to the log. Make sure you call her "Babe" sometime during the lumberjack session to complete the Paul Bunyan effect.

Double Fishhook: Do the girl doggy style, and reach around with your index fingers slightly bent in the shape of a fishhook and stick the both in her mouth and grab her cheeks and pull back as hard as you can.

Northwave Sanchez: Some of you might know this as "Indian War paint", but I assure you it is the Northwave Sanchez. You start ramming the bitch from behind, and you jackhammer her once, then turn her around, and give her some nice skid marks right under her eyes. That's the Sanchez the Northwave way.
Bagpipe: Now this one is a little confusing so bare with me if you?re a little slow in the head. While getting some dome, the girl puts her left hand under one nut from the front, wraps her right arm around your upper thigh putting her hand through your legs and finally placing her hand under your other nut. Now that she is in the position to play, and the dick piece is firmly set in her mouth, she proceeds to juggle both your balls and rub your choda as she sucks you off. I know there?s a lot going on here, that?s why it kinda like playing the bagpipes. If you can do this ladies, I give you kudos.

Loch ness Monster: You take home the bar star you've been buying drinks for all night. You get in the car for the drive home and the wench starts to give you road head. When she comes up for air, you realize she's an ugly monster with three humps and a fucked-up, long neck. You bust in its face, step on the gas, and push it out of the car. Now it's time to call the Enquirer and report your sighting.

More Signs You Might Be Gay

*^* There's a dick up your ass.
*^* You own moisturizer that has to be bought at a cosmetics counter.
*^* You're best friends with the girl you took to your high school prom.
*^* You think Pamela Anderson dresses nice.
*^* You dress like Liberace on casual Fridays.
*^* Your idea of "getting lucky" on the weekend is finding Ralph Lauren sheets on sale.
*^* You start to cry when your boss says you can't have the day off for your birthday.
*^* That's NOT a milk mustache you're sporting.
*^* You don't know the score of the game last night, but you do remember that the players had some of the roundest butts you've ever seen.
*^* You aren't insulted when called a 'cheap slut'
*^* When someone asks you if you're a pitcher or a catcher, your first thought isn't about baseball.
*^* When you see a handsome police officer following you on the highway, you speed up instead of slowing down.
*^* You've wondered if batman and Robin share a bedroom.
*^* You noticed that Ricky Martin shaved his chest for his last video.
*^* You're the one everyone turns to when they need someone to plan a surprise party.
*^* You can recite the next line of the following song: "The minute you walked in the joint, I could see you were a man of distinction."
*^* When viewing straight porn videos you watch the women give head and think, They're not doing that right.

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

This guy walks into a gay bar. He's a newly-discovered gay and has come to the bar to find a couple of flings. Anyway, he's sitting at the bar, eating, drinking, checking out the crowd, when he has the sudden urge to fart. He looks around and sees the other people farting nicely. One 'pssssttttt' here and another 'psssssttttt' there. He decides, what the hell, and farts: a loud 'brrrrrrrrrrrtttttttt'. All of a sudden, the bar is quiet, and everyone points at him and shouts 'VIRGIN!!!'

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Q: Did you hear about the two fags who had an argument in a
poofter bar?
A: They went outside to exchange blows.

Q: What did the poof say when he saw Jesus hanging from the cross?
A: "Good God you're well-hung!"

Q: What's the hardest thing about AIDS?
A: Leaving your friends behind.

Q: Why are there so many poofters in the British aristocracy?
A: Have you seen their women?

Signs You Had A Bad First Date

* Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother
* You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her
* She has a thicker moustache than you
* When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions
* You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole
* Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system
* You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass
* You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic
* She beats the crap out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut
* You wake up the next morning with a wickedhang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno
* At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill
* You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh
* She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan
* She is better hung than you
* She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her
* She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you
* She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you

yyyyyyyyy

A Jewish girl came home one day and says, "Ma, I got married." Her mother says, "That's great!"
The girl says, "But Ma, he's an Arab." Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."
The girl says, "But Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, the Jewish girl walks into the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in my ass. Day and night, all he'll do is bang me in the ass. When I got married, my asshole was like a dime. Now it's like a silver dollar."
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents, you're going to make trouble?"
 
Join The Fertilizer Club - Free!

This letter is being sent to you because we know that you are critically interested in the condition of your lawn. This is a fertilizer club that will not cost you a cent to join! Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and shit on their front lawn. You will not be the only one there, so do not feel embarrassed.

Then make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate a good lawn. Add your name to the letter. You will not get any money or checks, but within one week , if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,126 people shitting on your lawn. Your reward will come next spring when you will have one of the greenest, most beautiful lawns in the neighborhood.
Mrs. Harry Butt - 236 Corn Cob Alley
Mrs. Smelly B. Hind - 475 Diarrhea Way
Mrs. Apple Crop - 1422 Enema Drive
Mrs. Bigger Movement - 89 Rectum Road
Mr. Go More Piles - 741 Hemorrhoid Street
Mr. C. Howie Farts - Whistle Britches Ave.
Mr. & Mrs. Charlie Springer - 2 Suppository Lane
Mr. & Mrs. Took A. Fizzik - 634 Running Loose Lane

P.S. If you are constipated, pass this along to your neighbor. Don’t break the chain. One Man didn’t give a shit and lost his entire lawn. Best wishes for a greener lawn, and more fun at your lawn parties!!!


Two guys are talking in a bar:
"I came home early last night and caught my wife having sex with my best friend in our bed!"
"What did you do?"
"I grabbed my wife by the hair and said 'that's it, you're outta here' and threw her out of the house."
"What did you do to your best friend?"
"I shook my finger at him and yelled 'bad dog! bad dog!'"

Men & Women Facts

MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man,

you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman,

you must love her a lot and not try understanding her at all.


MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes,

there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.


APPEARANCE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

========

A boy and girl in the bathroom, the girl looks down at the boy and says

"Can I touch it?" The boy replies, "No way, you already broke yours off!"
 
World Women's Conference

At the 2006 World Women's Conference the first speaker from
England stood up:
"At last years' conference we spoke about
being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference
I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for
him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day
I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the
third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last years'
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no
longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw
nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only
his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Australia stood up:
"After last years'
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer
do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After
the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing.
But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

LLLLL

Model Dental Patient

The Hammetts were shown into the dentist's
office, where Mr. Hammett made it clear he was
in a big hurry.
"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered.
"No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff.
Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as
you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which
tooth is it?"
Mr. Hammett turned to his wife. "Show him your
tooth, Honey."

LLLLL

Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
A: Wipe it off and tell him you're sorry.

Q: What is the difference between a good blow job and your wife?
A: Fifty bucks.
Q: Why do dogs lick their dicks?
A: Because they have no thumbs with which to make a fist.

Blonde Daughters

A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls.
While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."
Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."
Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."
"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?"
She replied, "Because my cherry isn't ripe yet, duh."
_________

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist
And when we have REAL trouble, it's a...
HISterectomy

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
 
A Young Man And Two Women

A young Spanish man new to this country was seated at the bar. The
bartender notices him staring at two women at the other end of the bar.

Son, he says, I noticed you staring at the two women at the end of the
bar I want you to ignore them; they are undesirable in this country.
A few moments later the bartender notices the young man staring again.

Son, I'm trying to help you, they are undesirable in this country.
A moment later the bartender again notices the young man is again staring
at the two women.

He blurts out, son, see the blonde she wants to rip
off the panties of the brunette and suck her pussy. The brunette wants
to rip off the bra of the blonde and suck on her tits. We call women
like that lesbians and they are undesirable in this country.
As the bartender returned to work he heard the young man behind him sobbing.
What?s wrong son, he ask. I think I?m a lesbian too!!!"

**********

Confucius says, thou who gives rim job, talks shit.

**********

"A new birth control pill named Seasonale promises to reduce
the frequency of women's periods, from every month to four times
a year."

Downsides include tusks, massive weight gain and a 24-month
gestation period.

**********

Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and
some bad news, Miss Hottwot."

Miss Hottwot said, "Well, give me the good news first, Doc."

Doctor, speaking rather somberly, said, "Your lab
tests came back today, and your crabs are all gone."

Miss Hottwot smiled, and said "Gee, that's great!
But what's the bad news?"

Doctor: "We don't know what killed them."

**********

There once was a girl from the Azures
Whose cunt was all covered in sores
The dogs in the street
Used to eat the green meat
Which hung in festoons from her drawers
 
GEORGE CARLINISMS

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep
it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just
whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl
Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way
they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running
child?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
 
70 Things Not To Say To A Man Who Is Penis-Impared~

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Stop fingering me and fuck me.
4. I'm sorry.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don't we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It's more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a nightcrawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won't take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done.
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusion?
56. What is that?
57. Does this run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
65. Deep throat??? I doubt it'll reach my tongue!!!
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?
69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
70. Why can't you be more like Buffalo?

Johnny Fuckauer

It was the first day of school, and the elementary
school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd
take no nonsense from the kiddies this year.
While taking the roll, she was told by one boy,
"My name is Johnny Fuckhauer".
So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing
this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!".
The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer.
You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my
brother if you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the
teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth
grade classroom door.
The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to
the front office for a moment, so she entered the room
and directly asked the class, "Do you have a Fuckhauer
in here?"
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row,
"We don't even get a cookie break!"
~~~~~
What do you get when you cross a rooster with M&M's?
A cock that melts in your mouth
~~~~~
A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man,
to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, For his moods.
Because Lord if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death
~~~~~
A group of senior citizens were exchanging complaints about their ailments.
"My arm is so weak that I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad that
I can't see to pour my coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad.
We should be thankful that we can still drive."
 
More Blonde Q's and A's

How do you measure a blonde's I.Q.?
With a tire gauge.

How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in her ear.

What did the blonde yell when she saw the car accident?
I'll go and call 911, what's the number???

What's a blonde doing when she grasps at thin air?
Collecting her thoughts.

What would you call a bunch of blondes stacked on top of each other?
An air mattress.

Why do blondes wear a ponytail?
To hide the valve stem.

Why would a blonde wear green lipstick?
Because red means Stop.

What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Why do blondes always fail driver's tests?
Every time the car stops, they hop in the back seat.

What did the blonde say when her doctor told her she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's it mine?

What did the blonde's mom say before her daughter went out on a
date?
If you're not in bed by 10pm, come home!

What does a blonde use for birth control?
Brown hair-dye.

What are the first two things that a blonde does in the morning?
1. She introduces herself.
2. She goes home

~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~ ¤ ~

Andrew and his wife, Gladys, were working in the yard. Gladys was bent
over weeding. Andrew looked and Gladys and said, "Gee honey, your butt
is as big as the BBQ." She gave him an obscene gesture and continued
weeding.

That night when they went to bed, Andrew got a bit amorous, but Gladys
was not responding. Andrew asked her what the matter was. She said, "If
you think I'm going to fire up my grill for that little piece of meat,
you're crazy."

Grandad

The other week we had a big family party and all my uncles, aunts,
cousins and grandparents came.
At the end of the night when everbody was
leaving we agreed that as Grandad was bit worse for wear he and Nanna
could sleep the night.
As we've only got a small house Nanna slept in my
bed with my wife and I slept in the spare bed with Grandad.
I was trying
to get some sleep but found it hard cos grandad was tossing and turning
all night.
I was just dropping off when grandad sat upright and was
about to get out of bed.
"Where you going" I said.
"To give your Nanna
one" came the reply.
"What you must be joking, its the middle of the
night you can't do that".I told him.
"Listen boy I've not had sex for
years and I've got a hard-on. I'm not going to waste it" he said
"Well
you better take me with you then", I said.
"Why's that ?" he asked.
"Cos that's my cock you've got your hand on"
-------------
Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid
back and forth, watching the bubbles.
The Priest walked up and asked him
what he was doing? Little Johnny replied,
"I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world."
The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water
is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put
Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"
Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat's
ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson......."
 
Women Playing Golf

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at
his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,'
the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however,
he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

ZZZZZ

A Mexican, a black man, and a white guy are in a bar having a drink
when a good-looking girl comes up to them and says " whoever can say
liver and cheese in a sentence can have me".

So the white guy says" I love liver and cheese".
She says "that's not good enough".

The black man says "I hate liver and cheese", and she says "that's
not creative",

And then the Mexican says "liver alone cheese mine".

WOMEN'S RULES FOR MEN

1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them.

2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote.

3. I always choose chocolate over men - ALWAYS.

4. 51% Love Goddess, 49% Bitch. Care to push your luck?

5. My sexual preference is NO.

6. My body is a temple, now get on your knees and pray.

7. It's not the size that counts, it's...No, wait, size
does count!

8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice, and
everything nice.

9. Men are like hardwood floors -- lay them right the first
time and you can walk all over them forever.

10. Save your breath for your inflatable date.

*******

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a
nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick
and lame. They start talking and she asks about his life. He
talks about his wife and his 13 children.

"My, my," says the nun, "13 children, a good, proper Catholic
family. God is very proud of you."

"I'm sorry Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish."

"Jewish!" she replies, "You sex maniac you."
 
Alcohol Warnings

Alcohol Warnings #1

Due to increasing products liability litigation, liquour manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

Alcohol Warnings #2

Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub and bar regulars to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.
There is a drug around called "beer" and it is generally in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to.
Men often awaken after being given "beer" with only hazy memories of exactly what has happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

Please! Forward this to every male you know......

However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with a bunch of similarly-affected like-minded guys.
For the nearest support group near you just look up 'Bar' or 'Public House' in the yellow pages.

Advice From Paul

*If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed

*Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's *arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

*Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

*Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

*Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

*Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

*Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

*Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

*Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

*Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

*Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

*Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

*Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

*Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every stranger who looks at you over the fence.

*Men don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

*X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

*Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

*Save money on expensive personalized car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

*Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

*Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

*Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

*Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

*Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

*Thicken up runny low-fat yogurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

*Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

*A next door neighbor's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

*Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

*Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

*An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

*Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

*Sweet corn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

*Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

*Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

*Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

*Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

*Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
 
Poor John

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off.
Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon.
The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs!
Come back in four hours."
So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said,
"I got done faster than I expected to.
John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon.
The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours."
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said,
"I finished early - John's down at the soccer field."
Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.
A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off.
Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon.
The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours."
So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said,
"I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

His And Her's ATMs
HIS
>
1. Pull up to ATM
>
2. Insert card
>
3. Enter PIN number and account
>
4. Take cash, card and receipt
>

HERS
>
1. Pull up to ATM
>
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
>
3. Shut off engine
>
4. Put keys in purse
>
5. Get out of car because you're too far from
machine
>
6. Hunt for card in purse
>
7. Insert card
>
8. Hunt in purse for gum wrapper with PIN number
written on it.
>
9. Enter PIN number
>
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
>
11. Hit "cancel"
>
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
>
13. Check balance
>
14. Look for envelope
>
15. Look in purse for pen
>
16. Make out deposit slip
>
17. Endorse checks
>
18. Make deposit
>
19. Study instructions
>
20. Make cash withdrawal
>
21. Get in car
>
22. Check makeup
>
23. Look for keys
>
24. Start car
>
25. Check makeup
>
26. Start pulling away
>
27. STOP
>
28. Back up to machine
>
29. Get out of car
>
30. Take card and receipt
>
31. Get back in car
>
32. Put card in wallet
>
33. Put receipt in checkbook
>
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
>
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
>
36. Check makeup
>
37. Put car in reverse gear
>
38. Put car in drive
>
39. Drive away from machine
>
40. Travel 3 miles
>
41. Release parking brake
 
FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your
count that votes.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you
A-flat minor.
========
There was a cat and a rooster wondering by a lake. Both were famished,
looking for any food they could find, but to no avail. Later on, the
rooster finds himself focusing upon a worm, inching its way nearby.
The rooster then proceeds to chase and then pounce on the worm, eating
it quickly. Resting after his meal, he rubs his belly in pure
satisfaction.

The cat looks at the rooster and thinks to himself, "Well, if he can do
it, I can do it." Not long after the rooster eats his worm, the cat
spots a mouse scurrying nearby the lake. The cat raises its tail,
arches its back, and with all its might, attempts to pounce on the
mouse, only to end up in the lake.

What is the moral of the story?
Where there is a satisfied cock, there is a wet pussy!

Short Jokes

A woman who just got married ran into a friend on the street one day,
and the friend asked her how her marriage was going.

"Not good. He eats like a pig, he never takes a bath, and he leaves
his dirty clothes all over the house. He makes me so sick I can barely
eat."

"Well," says the friend, "why don't you leave him?"

"I will," says the first one. "But I want to lose another 12 pounds
first."
,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^

They say one way you can tell the difference between a young prostitute and
an old prostitute these days is that a young prostitute uses petroleum jelly
and the old prostitute uses denture adhesive.

,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^

30 years on

A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs.

Her husband starts to cry.

She says, "What's the matter?"

He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."

,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^

Mother In Law

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
 

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