JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

You're So Poor...

If your father didn't cut holes in your pockets at Christmas, you wouldn't have anything to play with.

People from the church would run over animals in front of your house to help with food.

Beggars give you money.

You don't have a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out of.

When you asked your mom what's for dinner she opened her legs and said spaghetti!

Someone saw you kicking a can down the street, and when asked what they were doing you said, "moving".

You have too jack off your dog too feed your cat

If they had 10 cent boat rides down the river, all you could do is run down the bank hollering "That's real cheap!"

You can't afford to pay attention
A guy walked into your house, stepped on a cigarette and your mom yelled, "Who turned off the heat?"

Your parents got married for the rice.

I saw your mom walking down the street with one shoe, I said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." she said, "No, I found one."

When you asked what was for dinner your mom put her foot on the table and said corn.

You live in a 2 story cracker jack box.

Someone rang your doorbell and you had to yell "Ding Dong!" out the window.

When someone asks where the bathroom is, your mom says "pick a corner... any corner."

You have to fart to get a scent (cent).

You're so poor your mother couldn't afford to have you...the lady next door had you.

You go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.

You buy an imitation of a fake Rolex.

Burglars bring things to you.

You're So Ugly

You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.

You're so ugly, every time your mother looks at you she says to herself, "Damn, I should've
just given head."

You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.

Your girl is so ugly, you gave her a hickey and got a mouthful of fur.

You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.

You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.

 

[melody]

The Miner

In 1849 a miner comes into a new town after being in the field
for a month. He's carrying a sack of gold. The first thing he
does is head to the local saloon.

As he approaches the bar he flips the sack of gold on the bar and
says, "Hey barkeep give everybody in the place a drink, I'm going
upstairs to take a shower. Send up a steak dinner and the
prettiest girl in town. Take out a few bucks for your troubles."

The bartender hollers out, "Sorry mac there aren't any women in
town. All we got is an old Chinaman."

The gold miner without missing a step up the stairs, answers,

"Never mind I don't go for that kinda shit."

The next day the miner is off back to the fields and doesn't
return for 6 weeks. When he returns he has a sack of gold about
twice the size as the original one.

Again he heads for the saloon and says, "Hey barkeep give
everybody whatever they want to drink & eat for the rest of the
night. I'm going up to my room & take a shower. Send up some
food and a couple of the best women in town. Take out some gold
for your troubles."

The bartender again bellows out, "Sorry partner we still have no
women in town. The stagecoach that was bringing them in had
problems. All we got is that old Chinaman."

This time the miner stops about halfway up the stairs, pauses a
few seconds & says, "Never mind I don't go for that kinda shit."

The next morning the miner is once again headed to the gold
fields. This time he's gone for another month & when he returns
he has 2 sacks of gold both larger than the previous one.

First stop has him back at the saloon. He enters, throws one of
the bags on the bar & says, "Hey barkeep drinks are on me till
that bag is gone, keep some for yourself. I'm going upstairs to
take a shower. Send me up the best steak in the house and three
of the prettiest women in town because I'm horny as hell."

Again the bartender says, "Sorry mac the women never did get
here. The only thing we got is the old Chinaman."

This time the miner spends at least a minute on the stairs
thinking about how horny he is and finally says,

"OK, send the old Chinaman up."

The bartender replies, "That will be $600.00 in advance."

The miner turns around in disbelief and screams, "WHAT!? $600.00
for a old Chinaman?"

The bartender replies, "No Sir, the $600.00 is for the three guys
that are going to hold the Chinaman down. He don't go for that
kinda shit either."

 

[melody]

Obsession

A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an
obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by
showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks
the man to identify it. The man immediately says, "OMIGOSH!! Four people
having sex!!!!".
Next the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, "One
man having sex."
Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient
identifies as, "two woman and one man having sex". The doctor puts the
drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have
an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "ME????? YOU'RE the
one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
**********
A Spanish guy bumps into a biker in a bar. The biker says, "Watch where
the fuck you're going, pita breath." The Spanish guy says, "Hey, man,
don't fuck with me. I know Latin judo." The biker says, "What the fuck
is Latin judo?" The Spanish guy says, "Ju don't know if I have a knife,
ju don't know if I have a gun..."
************
Here's to the girl from the Golden West
Who's tits stuck out like hornet's nests
The skin on her belly was as tight as a drum
And the cheeks of her ass would make a dead man come
The jury convicted poor Dolly
Of a crime called sexual folly.
Though she proved that her rape
Was performed by an ape,
What she bore looked more like a collie.
There was a young fool named Haynes,
To get laid, he'd go to great pains
Never a genius,
He thought with his penis,
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.

Father John's Bath

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun,
Sister
Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old
nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's
nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and
pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash
him,
and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs
where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to
Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I
would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John
guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to
salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell
my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

THE ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But then they go, they take your house and car with them.
Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish
baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once
say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can
get ME a hit of that stuff."

 

[melody]

The Older Woman

A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”? “What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome.” she said.
As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t”. They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.” They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place. When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs “Mom… you still awake?”
*****
There once was a lass called Louise,
who’s cunt smelt like Limburger Cheese,
she leaked so much grunge,
that she purchased a sponge,
that sopped up the muck to her knees.
There was a young man from Bombay,
who shagged 20 chickens a day,
he wouldn’t stop fucking,
till they all started clucking,
then he’d eat all the eggs that they lay.
There once was a man from Leeds,
who swallowed a packet of seeds,
within half an hour,
his dick was a flower,
and his balls were all covered with weeds.
There once was a lady from Reno,
who lost all her cash playing keno,
so she laid on her back,
opened her crack,
and now she owns the casino.

Toilet Paper

One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom. When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean." The man thought to himself that, that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it. So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.
===============
Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best, " the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy "What about you?". "Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
===============
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman... She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

 

[melody]

Piss Poor

Where did “piss poor” come from ?
Us older people need to learn something new every day..
Just to keep the gray matter tuned up.
Where did "Piss Poor" come from?
Interesting History.
... They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot
And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery...
You had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't
even afford to buy a pot...
They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.
++++++++++
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
++++++++++
A mother in law said to her son's wife when the baby was born,
"I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said,
"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a friggin’ vagina,
not a bloody photo copier!”
++++++++++
Asked "What's the difference between a diplomat and a
lady?" the reply came:

If a diplomat says, "yes," he means "Maybe."
If a diplomat says, "Maybe," he means "No."
... If a diplomat says, "No," he's no diplomat.

But on the other hand,

If a lady says, "No," she means "Maybe."
If a lady says, "Maybe," she means "Yes."
If a lady says, "Yes," she's no lady.

Erotic Art

I shaved my little pussy,
So the little thing is bare
I thought it should be just like my head
And have a lot less hair

Oh yes, my pussy's hairless
It feels as smooth as silk
And when I get excited
It spurts this stuff like milk.

It feels so good to touch it
I wish that you could see
And take my hairless pussy
Then dive inside of me.

Take my clit between your teeth
And nibble on it please
I'm even willing to help you
By straddling you on my knees

I'd place my hairless pussy
Right atop your lips
And as you start to lick it
I would surely move my hips!!!

I know you like the thought of this,
My hairless little twat
I know it might sound slutty,
But surely that I'm not.

I'm just a full grown woman
Who has some normal needs
My smoothly shaven pussy
Has lots of them indeed!!!

It needs some loving licking
And some biting on my clit
I don't even think it'd mind
If you were to fuck it a bit

There are no little curly ones
Left for you to find
Cause my little pussy's hairless
From my front to my behind.

So, you could take me either way
In the front door or the back
What a turn on it would be
To feel your luscious sack.

I think that you should do this
My God, it feels so great!!!
To feel yourself so smoothly shaved
Is a trip!!!!You shouldn't wait!!!

Now go and get your razor
And take a little time
To make your pubie hairless
So yours can feel like mine.

Please let me know you've done this
And tell me of every move
Cause just the thought of shaving it
Has me wet in the groove.

I really need some loving
And some animalistic thrusts
I think that if you did this
My cunt would certainly bust.

Then you could spread my juices
Over my smoothly shaven twat
Then the little thing would glisten
My God!!! It's getting HOT!!!!

So, please take my little pussy
And fuck it any way
I really think it needs it
At least 3 times a day!!!!

Sex Quiz For Real Men

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever
find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had
sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

 

[melody]

Unmistakable Signs You Are Gay

1. If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and rather you've been sucking-off the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaayming fag. A cat is like a dog, but Gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're the poster boy for GAY.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby-pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks bar-b-q ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, craw-fish guts, pickled pigs feet, or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick, wholesome milk) and full-aroma. A pussy-eating man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a dick there too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NHL, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA, and Nascar. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious!

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it...you hungry for meat-popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the motherfucker off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold his beer, finger the beotch in the passenger seat (whoever she happens to be), or, if he's Latino, talk on his cell-phone.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous sonnez le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly. So follow the rules and beware...or keep that shit to yourself, you flamming faggot!

How Dogs And Men Are The Same:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
... 4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
6. Neither understands what you see in cats.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both break wind shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
_____________

Snow White and the seven dwarves were returning home to their cottage one night after a day down the mine when Dopey walked up to Snow White and asked her, "Are there any midget nuns in this forest?" Amidst much giggling from the other dwarves, Snow White replied, "No, Dopey. There are no midget nuns in this forest."
A bit further down the track, Dopey asks with a hint more desperation in his voice, "Are there any midget nuns in this country?" Again, Snow White replied to the negative amidst much laughter emanating from the direction of the other dwarves. Almost back to the cottage, Dopey is starting to look really upset, so he strides up to Snow White and demands, "Are there any midget nuns on the whole planet?" Before Snow White could reply, the other dwarves broke down completely and started chanting, "Dopey Fucked A Penguin, Dopey Fucked A Penguin!"
_____________

Two Blondes and a Sod Truck...

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when
a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery,"
... announced Blonde #1.
"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed

 

[melody]

An Escaped Convict

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had
spent years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run,
he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had
been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on
one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the
bed right over the woman, and it appeared that he was kissing
her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible
the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his
chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a
woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he
left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If
he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and
pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make
him mad. Our lives depend on it. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife
says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right,
he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my
neck... He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks
you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the
bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."


The Perks Of Being Over 50 ...

You can live without sex but not without glasses
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who
walks into the room.

Men Suck

Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
- Women working at 900 numbers.
Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
- In the pages of a romance novel.
What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
- Exchange him.
Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
- No phone numbers.
Why do men like smart women?
- Opposites attract.
_____________

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her
cuddle her
kiss her
caress her
love her
stroke her
tease her
comfort her
protect her
hug her
hold her
spend money on her
wine & dine her
buy things for her
listen to her
care for her
stand by her
support her
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked.

____________

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.....
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.
Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
_____________

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
_______________

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said.
"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
___________

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

 

[DanzEterna]

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Malaysian Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representatives were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.

It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA , Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore were being asked 3 simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with 'L'
Miss USA : Lamp
Miss Singapore : Light bulb
Miss Malaysia : LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter 'L'

MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lion
Miss Singapore : Leopard
Miss Malaysia : LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!

MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with 'L'
Miss USA : Lexus
Miss Singapore : Lamborghini
Miss Malaysia : Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!

MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lemon
Miss Singapore : Lychee
Miss Malaysia , with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN!!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Malaysia should really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss Malaysia was having so many problems with the letter 'L', they decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter 'L'
Miss USA : Lung (applause)
Miss Singapore : Liver (even more applause)
Miss Malaysia : L*N C**U!

The Judges fainted..!!!

 

[melody]

Men Suck

Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
- Women working at 900 numbers.
Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
- In the pages of a romance novel.
What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
- Exchange him.
Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
- No phone numbers.
Why do men like smart women?
- Opposites attract.
_____________
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her
cuddle her
kiss her
caress her
love her
stroke her
tease her
comfort her
protect her
hug her
hold her
spend money on her
wine & dine her
buy things for her
listen to her
care for her
stand by her
support her
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked.

____________
I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.....
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.
Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
_____________
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
_______________
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said.
"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
___________
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

 

[melody]

More Things A Man Will Never Say:

* I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
* I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
* Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
* I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are
open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
* No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
* Better get ride of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't
look at them anymore.
* I understand.
* This movie has too much nudity.
* Damn, we're late for church.
* No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
* Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
* Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.


A construction worker comes home one day to find his wife in bed
with another man.

Seeing this, he gets pissed, grabs the man by his package, and
takes him to the garage, where he puts the mans stuff in a vice,
and cranks it down hard and takes off the handle. After he does
this, he grabs a saw.

The other guy says "You're not gonna cut it off, are you?"

The construction worker says, "No, you are. I'm gonna set the
garage on fire."

Cow Snatch

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale...$5000"
He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars." The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman.
Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth shit."
============
Q. What part of Popeye doesn't rust?
A. The part he dips in Olive Oyl.

Q: What should a woman say as she guides her lover's tongue toward
her clitoris?
A: This bud's for you!

Q: What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
A: They go forwards, backwards, forwards, and backwards, stop and eject!

Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!

Q. What do you call a female clone?
A. A clunt.

Q: What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't??
A: A navel.

Q. What does a rattle snake and condom with a hole in it have in common
A. You don't fuck with either one of them. ?

============

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, "Where do you live?".
Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, "Hello, I've brought your husband home."
The wife looks at the man and asks, "Where's his wheel chair?"

Word Play

What Single really Mean
Stay
Intaxicated
Nightly
Get
Laid
Everday
Buffalo Bills
Boy
I
Love
Losing
Superbowls
Me and Tim Meet these three Girls from Mali, I Bucked one, Tim Buck two
Smog test in Los Angeles; UCLA

GEORGE BUSH : When you rearrange the letters : HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY : : DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST : : EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN : : BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION : : A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE : : HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES : : CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY : : IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW : : WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS : : ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT : : I ' M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES : : THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO : : TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the! Grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA : : TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word ... he knew better.

Q) How many Women does it takes to change a light bulb?
A) 11, 10 to form a support group, and one to get her boyfriend to do it.
Q)How many female activist does it take to change a light bulb?
A)2, One to do it, and one to bitch about it.
Q)Whats warm and soft, when you go to bed, and hard, and stiff in the morning
A)Vomit
Q)What kind of file do you use to make a small hole larger
A)A Pedophile
Q)Why did the guy buy his wife, a coat and a dildo for her birthday?
A)He figured if she dont like coat, she could go fuck herself

In the time before time, Adam and Eve had sex for first time ever. After their lustful act was over, Eve went to the stream to clean herself up. As she is washing up, she hears a big booming voice coming from Heavens above.
"For God's sake Eve, how am I going to get that smell out of the fish now?!"

 

[melody]

Kids On love

Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening, thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten.


*WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other." (Judy, 8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tommy, 5)

*WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)

*WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)

*THE GREAT DEBATE:
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)

*CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

*ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long to learn." (Leo, 7)

*ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

*CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." (David, 8)

*CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' are on TV." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

*PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

*SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)

*HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE ?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)

*WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, "I LOVE YOU":

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)

*HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:

"You learn it right on the spot, when the 'gooshy' feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

*WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

*HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love." (Roger,8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, 8)

Laundry

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard.
When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the
laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women
wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days
that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their
clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie,
"Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"

"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look
over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know
it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If
his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain,
so I don't hang out the wash."

"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.

"Honey," says Sophie, "Who on Earth wants to do laundry
on a day like that?"

***********
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom
while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
... I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh.
I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs,
trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV
hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring,
so he hurried to open the door,
and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied," Yeah,
she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.”

Laws Around The World

> In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with
> animals, but the
> animals must be female. Having sexual relations with
> a male animal is
> punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
>
> Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a
> woman's genitals, but
is prohibited from looking directly at them during
> the examination. He
> may only see their reflection in a mirror.
>
>Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
> corpse. This also
> applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the
> deceased must be covered
> with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A
> brick??)
>
> The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is
> decapitation. (Wonder
> which head?)
>
> There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
> Countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege
> of having sex for the first time...
Reason: under
> Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a
> minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even
> comes close to this?)
>
> In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
> husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
> desired.(Ah! Justice!)
>
> Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but
> only in tropical fish stores.(But of course!)
>
> In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
>
> In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
> woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough
> problem that they had to pass this law?)
>
> In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption
> on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?
> ... Not as great as Guam!)

 

[melody]

Door -To-Door

(One of my favorite classics!)
A door-to-door salesmen knocks on a neighborhood door.
A little boy answers the door and the salesman says, "
Hi little fellow, is your mother home ?"

"Yes said the lad, she's out in the backyard screwing our goat."

" No," says the salesman, " I don't belive you."

The boy says, " Come see for yourself."

So the salesman takes a look in the backyard, and sure enough,
there was the mom bent over with a large goat screwing her
from behind.

The salesman said to the boy, "isn't your mom afraid she'll get
pregnant?"

The boy says, " N-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-"
22222
A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.

"I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us just like one of the family.

He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."

"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.

"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."
22222
The businessman came home form work about 6pm.

He'd barely gotten in the door before his wife greeted him with a passionate kiss.

Then she pulled him into the bedroom, pushed him down on the bed, unzipped his fly, and began to give him a fantastic blow job.

Not daring to interrupt her, he waits until he has gotten off in a mighty explosion, which his wife slurps up eagerly and swallows.

He stares fondly at her, then asks, "All right, dear, what did you do to the car THIS time?"
22222
An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
She was finally the prize
Of a man twice her size
And all she recalls is the ache.

Big Tits vs. Little Tits

Women with Big Tits...

..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless
recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer

Women with Little Tits...

..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking
themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.

Last Longer During The Act

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex
often helped men last longer during the act. The
man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where
to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought
about the restroom, but that was too open. He
considered an alley, but figured that was too
unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side
of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath
as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and
started to play with his unit.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he
grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at
the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm,
he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down
there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's
busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your
brakes too while you're down there because your
truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."


For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free."
Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?
Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get
a little sausage.


Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!
Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.

Q. How did the gay break his leg at the golf course?
A. He fell off the ball washer!
Q. What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire?
A. See you next period.

 

[melody]

Dr. Seuss's Lesser Known Books

1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Are You My Proctologist?
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Feels a Ho
6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*** Out!
12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
13. The Bitch Set Me Up
14. I've Fallen---And I Can't Get Up!
15. Yentl the Lentil
16. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
17. Aunts in My Pants
18. Hop On Mom
19. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
21. The Grinch's Ten Inches


Little Hillbilly Johnny-Lee asks his sister if she has started her period.
"Yes", quote she, "how did you know?"
"Hmm, I knew dad's cock tasted funny!"

How do you circumcise a Redneck?
Punch his sister in the jaw.

What's the definition of a virgin hillbilly?
A 12 year old girl who can run faster than her brothers!

What do you say to a girl from Kentucky?
Nice tooth!

What do you call a hillbilly in a suit?
The defendant.
Why did the hillbilly cross the road?
His dick was stuck in a chicken.

What does a hillbilly say after sex?
Get off me Pa, you're crushing my smokes

Whacky Dirty Dafinitions:

OVEN STUFFED ROASTER
1. Type of chicken that is usually seasoned and baked for an extended
period.

2. The unusual method of inserting your finger in the ass of your
partner while screwing her, and feeling her cervix. This procedure is
more effective from behind (see NEW JERSEY MEATHOOK).

HIGH DIVE: /hi-div/
1. Act of jumping out of a plane and free falling toward earth at
nearly 200 mph.

2. The skill of pulling your Johnson all the way out of your partner's
hole, and in one motion, swiftly jamming it home again. Best used in
Corn Hole technique, but dangerous.

TEA-BAG: /tee bagg/
1. A sack like structure containing flavored leaves that is attached
to a string and dangled in water to give it flavor.

2. A sack-like structure containing my fat balls that is attached to
my massive unit and is stuffed into the mouths of young girls to make
them make a "wamuphm" like noise.
3. v. Tea-bag(ing) the act of stuffing them with the sack filled with my
fat balls.

CLEVELAND STEAMER: /KLEEV-lund STEE-mrhh/
1. A water-based merchant cargo vessel originating from a large
Ohioan city near Lake Erie.

2. (slang) The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman
while receiving penal (that is, penis) pleasure from friction between
the mammaries. (see HAWAIAN MUSCLE FUCK and PASADENA MUDSLIDE)

HOT KARL:
1. A German man who just happens to be warm at the moment.

2. The act in which a woman sucks the cock of the man who was just
balls deep in her can. (see also CORN HOLE)

HOT KARL CANDY CANE:
1. A variation of the aforementioned in which the man who is
receiving oral cock cleaning gives the woman a reach around. (See also
SHOCKER)

DIRTY SANCHEZ: /dur-TEE SAN-chez/
1. a filthy hair-lipped Mexican peasant.(Garrett)

2. (A variation of the "Dirty Juanita") The act of fingering a
chick's cornhole, and wiping the remaining detritus on her upper lip
while screwing her from behind, thus leaving a trail of shit moustached
across her visage.

TOPEKA DESTROYER: / TOE-pek-a d'stroi-yrr/
1. An ironclad American warship fabricated in the poorly placed
shipyards of Central Kansas.

2. The act of vomiting directly onto your partner's head while
receiving fellatio. (See COLD LUNCH)

CAJUN HOT STICK: /cage-in hot sti-ck/
1. A spicy meat stick.

2. The act in which the cock is taken out of her pooper (see also
CAJUN LOG) and slathered in the pool of dip spit in the small of her
back and then re-inserted.

RIM: /RIM/
1. the outer often curved or circular edge of something.

2. The outer often wrinkled and dark brown edge of the shit shoot.
3. v. Rim(ing) the art of exploring this prune-like orifice with your
tongue (see also "ANAL TONGUE DARTS")

Bruce's Ass

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover,
"Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger and shoves it up Bruce's ass.
He feels all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass.
He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

Two necrophiliacs are walking down the street when they pass a funeral home. One turns to the other and says:
"Hey, you wanna go in for a couple of cold ones?"

Little Suzie is sitting in a barber shop, eating a Hostess snack cake while the barber cuts her hair.
A customer passes by and says, "Sweetheart, you're getting hair on your Twinkie."
Little Suzie looks up with a big smile and said, "I know, and I'm getting tits, too!"

 

[melody]

Nasty Limericks

There once was a man from Kent,
whose cock was so long it bent,
to save himself trouble,
he put it in double,
and instead of cumming he went.

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

There once was a man named Dave,
who kept a dead whore in a cave,
she had only one tit,
and smelled worse than shit,
but think of the money Dave saved.

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

There once was a man from Kubot
who lived off of toe jam and snot,
when he had none of these,
he lived off the cheese,
from the tip of his grungy old cock.

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

There once was a man named Sweeny
Whose wife was a terrible meany
The hatch on her snatch
Had a catch that would latch
And she could only get fucked by Houdini.

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

There once was a girl named Kate,
Whose pussy smelled like bait!
Whenever Jeff pounds her
The room reeks of flounder.
Her twat, she should refrigerate.

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

There once was a man named Odom
Whose balls were too big for his scrotum
Though it was relief that he sought
It all went for naught
Cause he didn't know how to unloadem

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

There was a guy from Nantucket
He told his wife to suck it
When he didn't cum
She said he was dumb
And hit him upside the head with a bucket.

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

There once was a man named Matt
Who was short, bald, ugly, and fat.
I'm willing to bet,
The only pussy he gets
Is when he goes home to his cat.

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

There once was a man named Vic
Who pleasured himself with a stick
He once got it stuck
And said "what the fuck?"
And now there's no room for a prick!

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

There was a man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

There was a farting contest coming to town
and people came from miles around
the first fart was extremely loud
the second fart pleased the crowd
the third fart, the judges cried
"He shit his pants, he's disqualified!"

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

There once was a man named Bob,
Who loved to show off his knob,
He flashed it at Dave,
And rubbed it on Jay,
Who sucked it like corn on the cob!

Mommy, Mommy....

Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big!
Shut up son and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in.

Mommy, Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here!
Shut up son or I'll flush it again.

Mommy, Mommy! What's a delinquent child?
Shut up son and light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up son and deal.

Mommy, Mommy! What's a delinquent child?
Shut up son and pass me the crowbar.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up son and get the barbecue sauce.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up son or I'll chop off the other leg!

Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Shut up son and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! the kids next door are calling me a three headed dragon!
Shut up son and don't you worry. Three heads are always better than one.

Mommy, Mommy!, I don't want to go to China!
Shut up son and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy!, why is Daddy running so fast?
Shut up son and reload.

Mommy, Mommy!, can I wear a bra now? I'm 14!
Shut up Stanley.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up son and get back in the box!

Mommy, Mommy! Jimmy is biting grandma's nail!
Stop it Jimmy, or I am closing the coffin lid.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want my hair braided!
Shut up son and lift the other arm.

Mommy, Mommy! Am I done with my bath yet?
Shut up son or I'll flush you down.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
Not today son, you've already dug her up three times this week.

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up son and lift the dart board higher!

Mommy, Mommy! Why is everybody running away?
Shut up son and reload.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up son and accelerate!

Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise!
Shut up son and eat around it.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate tomato juice!
Shut up son and drink it before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy vomited!
Shut up son and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big pieces.

Mommy, Mommy ! When is the pool going to be ready?
Shut up son and keep pissing.

Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up son and comb your face.

Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm?
Shut up son and hump faster, you'll soon find out.

Mummy, Mummy!, Julie won't come skipping with me!
Don't be cruel son, you know it makes her stumps bleed.



Things That Only Happen In Movies

* Any computer system can be hacked in 60 seconds.
* Phones always ring during a break in conversation... and the call is always relevant to the scene... and there's no call-waiting.
* No one ever thinks of a better comeback to an insult the next day.
* If you meet someone and arrange to go on a date, you'll offer to pick them up tomorrow at eight, but never exchange addresses or phone numbers.
* Rogues are always lovable and endearing.
* All combat is eventually resolved hand-to-hand.
* The bad guys attack one at a time.
* Small, fast people can beat up large, strong people.
* When you punch or kick someone, they go flying across the room.
* Stalking a woman makes her fall in love with you.
* The dumbest, most annoying, most bumbling character will be a white male.
* Breaking the rules always turns out well.
* Anyone can jump a 10-foot chain-link fence with minimal effort (unless a dog is in pursuit).
* Getting thrown through a window is merely a minor annoyance. Likewise falling down stairs.
* All offices have windows.
* 95% of computers are Macs.
* Cars are always clean, even if they're old and busted.
* Pedestrians are never hit during a car chase.
* Getting shot once anywhere by any gun will knock you down.
* Old people are amazed and confused by the antics of young people.
* White people are amazed and confused by the antics of black people.
* Caves and tunnels will never be pitch black, but will always be lit by concealed, indirect lighting.
* If you turn off the lights in a room at night, lights outside a window will turn on.
* It's easy to chop off a head or limb with one blow... and to cut through armour... and to jump onto a horse while wearing armor... and to run around in armour.
* Animals are invulnerable.
* Kids are smarter than adults.
* Kids can drive cars.
* Kids can beat up adults using karate.
* Kids are always good judges of character.
* High school students are 25 years old... and still wear their backpacks on one shoulder.
* Only bad guys smoke (these days).
* Ugly people are just beautiful people with dumpy clothes and bad haircuts.

 

[melody]

Women's Test

I'm Not Bitter Quiz-o-Rama
Instructions: Please answer each question as honestly as possible.

1) A woman's place is in the:
a) House (or Senate)
b) Bedroom
c) Office
d) Sitting in a deep dark cellar plotting to cut a man's entrails out
and leave it as food for wild jackals

2) When singing in the shower, I will most likely sing:
a) "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"
b) "Material Girl"
c) "I Touch Myself"
d) Theme from "Psycho"

3) The perfect Christmas gift is:
a) Expensive perfume or intimate evening wear
b) Flowers, a back rub, bubble bath, and a hand-written love sonnet
c) Six-pack of Bud, Domino's Pizza, and an evening of QVC
d) Whips, knives and red-hot irons

4) A woman's hairstyle should:
a) Gently accentuate her best features
b) Not resemble a poodle
c) Hide the lobotomy scars
d) Cover the little "666" on the back of the skull and not reveal the
demon-horns

5) My personal role-model is:
a) Hillary Clinton
b) Ruth Bader-Ginsberg
c) Daisy Duke
d) Lorena Bobbit

6) When it comes to cars, I:
a) Take good care of my car and change my oil regularly.
b) [giggle] What's oil?
c) Think fuzzy dice are cool !
d) Want a Mercedes... NOW!

7) If you man wants to date me, he must also like my:
a) Family
b) Pet rock
c) Therapist
d) Furniture

8) I have a subscription to:
a) Newsweek and the Wall Street Journal
b) Analog and Rolling Stone
c) National Enquirer and T.V. Guide
d) Weekly Reader

9) I want to have ___ children.
a) Any number, as long as they are healthy
b) Some
c) Your
d) Well-dressed

10) My list of favorite authors include:
a) William Shakespeare
b) Maya Angelou
c) Chairman Mao
d) Marquis DeSade

11) A romantic evening is best spent:
a) Before a roaring fire
b) Having a candle-lit dinner
c) Country line dancing
d) Shopping

12) I want to date a(n):
a) Lawyer
b) Engineer
c) Crew-chief at the local JiffyLube
d) Anyone who owns a shoe store

13) I really admire:
a) My parents, for bringing me up right
b) My teachers, for teaching me about life
c) The makers of Velveeta
d) Zsa Zsa Gabor

14) What attracted me most to you (physically) is/are your:
a) Massive chest
b) Tight buns
c) Tattoo collection
d) Credit cards

15) What attracted me most to you (mentally) is/are your:
a) Sparkling wit
b) Open mind
c) Deep understanding of power tools
d) Huh?

16) I really get turned on when you:
a) Are with me
b) Kiss my neck
c) Imitate Beavis and Butt-Head
d) Do the dishes

17) I can't live without:
a) The support of friends
b) Oxygen
c) Entertainment Tonight
d) Makeup

18) If you were really depressed, I would:
a) Listen to your problems
b) Rub your back
c) Get you drunk
d) Laugh

19) My favorite television programs are:
a) NYPD Blue and Home Improvement
b) MST3K, Roseanne, and Star Trek:TNG
c) This Week In Monster Truck Racing and AmericaUs Most Wanted
d) Lifestyles of the Cruel and Unusual

20) My favorite pig out food is:
a) Low-fat yogurt
b) Haagen Dasz
c) Gummi worms
d) A man's still quivering heart

21) A man should know where I keep my:
a) House keys
b) Erogenous zones
c) Ear-wax remover
d) Guns

22) I would rather die a slow painful death than:
a) Betray a confidence
b) Betray my country
c) Miss "Wheel of Fortune"
d) Spend one more minute with you

23) The most hellish,vile place on Earth is:
a) Bosnia-Herzegovina
b) Texas
c) Anyplace with less than 40 channels of cable
d) Your bedroom

24) The one phrase I would love to hear is:
a) "Congratulations, Madame President"
b) "Ohmygod, that is the winning lottery ticket!"
c) "Wow! I've never seen a woman spit tobacco that far!"
d) "What we can't figure out is how the arsenic got in his food in the
first place."

25) If a man was to propose to me, I would:
a) Cry
b) Call my mother
c) Be pregnant
d) Giggle uncontrollably

Please write a 300 word essay on the theme: "A Woman's Role In the
Relationship: Helpmate or Saboteur"

Please attach references, a current picture, and a blood sample.

Sick But True
(Not for the faint hearted)
OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody
restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman
had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that
they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with
passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to
the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp
down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony
and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head
until she let go.
lll
BABY CHICKEN
A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York emergency room
complaining of abdominal pains.
During an examination, doctors found that the woman's labia were
pinned together with old safety pins. Further inside, they found
the dismembered body of a chicken. The woman explained that she
inserted the chicken pieces, convinced that they would grow into a baby.
lll
FEMALE SOFA
A 500 lb woman from Illinois was examined in hospital. During the
examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a
dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found
lodged between the folds of her vulva.
lll
PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis.
He complained that his wife had "a rat in her pussy" and it bit him
during sex. After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that
she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
lll
KLINGONS AROUND URANUS
A 20 year old man came to casualty with a stony mass in his rectum.
He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete
mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his
anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and
pain. Under general anasthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's
rectum was removed, along with a stray ping-pong ball!

LADIES....PAY ATTENTION!!

Newly Discovered Benefits of Worshiping and Adoring Your Man's Penis:

1) Every blowjob you give adds one month to your life.
2) If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.
3) A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.
4) Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the treadmill.
5) Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
6) Intercourse prevents divorce.
7) Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.
8) Sex eliminates headaches.
9) Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, Thou shalt make thy man hard, triples your chances of getting into heaven.
10) Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.
=====
Blonde Moments!

A woman walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I hurt all
over."
The doctor says, "That's impossible!"
She explains, "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my
leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch
my chest, ouch, it hurts."
The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural blonde,
aren't you?"
The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."
=====
Q: How can you confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't fetch a beer from the fridge.
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!
Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
A: They heard that under seventeen weren't admitted!
Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A: They both have a black box
Q: Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?
A: She threw out all the W's

 

[melody]

Standing At The Urinal

Darrell was standing at a urinal in a bar bathroom when this
enormous guys walks in, unzips his pants and exposes the biggest
dick in the world -- four feet long, five inches thick and violently
red and angry.

The monster looks at Darrell, grabs his huge dick with both hands,
like holding a baseball bat, and gives it an almighty swing,
smashing the porcelain sink to pieces!

He growls and leers at the now frightened Darrell, looks around and
with another almighty swing, smashes the condom vending machine
right off the wall!

After another hideous growl he slams his huge dick against the side
of the urinal several times, bending the stainless steel into
contorted shapes!

All of a sudden he stops, looks Darrell straight in the eye and
shouts, "The next place this porcelain smashing, vender bending,
urinal destroyer is going... is up your ass buddy!"

With that, Darrell lets out a sigh of relief and says, "Thank God
for that, I thought you were going to HIT me with it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An acquaintance of my dear friend

Put a rodent into his hind end.

Though you might think it queer

He was one Ricky Gere,

And he loves to feel that f*cker squirm in his arse.

There once was a man from Havana
Screwed a girl on a player piano
At the height of their fever
Her ass hit the lever
And Yes he has no banana...

Confucious Says Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

What do you call a guy from Kentucky who doesn't fuck his sister? An only child.

A Few Quiet Beers

The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

5'9' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.

I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.

No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return.

She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked.

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top.

Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. 'How do you feel now,' she purred.

'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!' Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

" Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.

My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet !!!! She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass : Have you ever felt such a cunt?'

'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

Confession

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and
tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever
since his wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue
doing it and whether the pig is a male or female."No! I'm not doing it
anymore!"
says the farmer. "And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do
you think I am a freakin queer?
=====
A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and was starting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while there starting eyeing the bag boy.
On the way out to the car she decided to make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered," You know, I've got an itchy pussy...."
The boy replied, "Well you're gonna have to point it out, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!"
=====
How is a blonde like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
What do you call a bunch of blondes with yeast infections?
A wine and cheese party!
=====
Three drunks are in a bar. First one says, "I'm the bravest in here."
His friends say, "Prove it."
He puts his hand on the bar and tells the bartender cut it off. Whack!
Off comes the hand.
The second man walks to bar. Yells out cut off my arm. Whack! Off comes
the arm.
The third man walks to bar, stands on a stool, pulls out his penis. The
bartender asks, "Do you want me to cut it off?"
"NO!" yells the man. "Just rub it it'll come off itself."

 

[melody]

Prosthetic Penis

Bob goes to the Doctor to find out that he has a rare form of penis cancer. Unfortunately, after the operation Bob was left feeling "inadequate", so he was sent to the prosthetic department in the hospital.
While in the department, Bob approaches the head nurse and requests for the appropriate prosthetic penis. The nurse pulls out a box and removes the lid. Bob agrees, "That's about the size of what I had before the surgery, but I was wondering if you had something a little bigger." The nurse then pulls out a container about the size of a boot box and removes the lid. Bob exclaims with joy, "Yes, that's it,that's the one for me. This will really appease the ladies and make me famous in town. Of course, just out of curiosity do you have anything bigger?" The nurse complies with his request and pulls out a box that a dozen roses could fit in. Bob is ecstatic, "Holy-shit! That's it! I've got to have it. I don't care how much it costs. I've got to have it. Just one question, does it come in white?"
==========

Dear Paul,
last week I left for work as normal but having only gone a mile my car broke down so I walked home again & arriving unexpectedly I found my 18yr old babysitter handcuffed to the bed in her school uniform with my husband bent over her!.. I am devastated can you help?..........
Dear sally...
A common cause for this is dirt in the carburetor don't let your fuel drop 2 low in the tank.
Hope this helps,....PAUL.
==========
an elderly couple try spicing up their sex life, so the man says " tell you what, i will go down on you for a change", afterwards he comes up, face all green and says " Jesus Christ! what is that smell?, the woman replies " oh that's my arthritis. " the man says " arthritis? that wouldn't make you smell that bad" so she replies " I know, its in my shoulder, I cant bend round to wipe my arse".
==========
How do you know when you're at a gay bbq?
Because there's no cunt there and the sausages taste like shit

Dirty Little Johnny

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of
his altar boys, Little Johnny. The first day Little Johnny paints the
entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets
it finished.

The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him $5.
Little Johnny looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very
much Father, . . . you're a virgin."

The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day Little
Johnny has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day and
he just manages to finish the job without collapsing. The priest looks
at the job and this time gives Little Johnny another $5 bill. Once again
Little Johnny looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you
really are a virgin."

At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Little Johnny," he
says, "that's twice you called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what
the word means?"

"Yes," says Little Johnny, "it means a tight cunt!"

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

There once was a man from Racine,
Who invented a fucking machine,
concave and convex,
it fucked either sex
and jerked off itself in between.
_____

A psychiatrist and a proctologist from Stutts
Did really show some pure guts.
They put up a sign
At 4th Street and Vine.
That read we treat nuts and butts!

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

One mortician calls the other in to look at newly arrived body. "Hey,
Joe! You've got to see this.", says Chester. "You know that good looking
blonde they just brought in…well she has a shrimp stuck up her cunt"

"This I've got to see." responds Joe.

After examining the body Joe says, "That's not a shrimp Chester."

"It’s not? Well what the hell is it?" asks Chester.

"It’s her clit." says Joe.

To which Chester replies, "Well it sure tastes like shrimp."

Another Blonde

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with
her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about
a block away, thinking, "Boy, my
eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's
right breast
is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he
gets face to face with
her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you
for indecent
exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says "OM Y GOD, I left
the baby on the bus, again!"

ttttt

At a shoe store a salesman helps this woman to try on some shoes. As he lifts up her leg to put on the shoe, he can see downtown because she's not wearing any panties. Risking his job the guy says, "I could eat that full of ice cream." The woman gets all embarrassed, slaps the guy and runs out of the store. When she gets home she tells her husband to go beat that man up. Her husband says "First of all, you shouldn't have been anywhere without any panties. Second, I don't know what you were doing in there in the first place, because you have enough shoes as is. And thirdly, I'm not messing with anybody that eat that much ice cream."

ttttt

The other day, I was accosted by a hooker. She asked, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex, honey? Only $50."

"No way!" I responded. "I'm married!!!"

"So??? What difference does that make?" asked the hooker.

So I told her, "The difference is.... My wife will do it for only $35."

ttttt

Yesterday's Headline News
A man was Raped by a Group of
Beautiful Women when He went
out Jogging at the park...
Today's Breaking news
Hundreds of Men are Jogging at
the park....

ttttt

A guy stumbles through his front door after a night of drinking holding a duck under his arm. His furious wife turns on the light and demands to know where he's been. The guy slurs, "This is the pig I've been fucking." His wife says, "That's not a pig." To which the guy replies, "I wasn't talking to you."

 

[melody]

Useless Penis Facts

*Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
*Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
*Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
*Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons
*Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
*Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour
*Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
*Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150
*Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches
*Average length when erect: 5.1
*Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch
*Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches
*Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)
*Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet
*Most arousing time of day/season for a man: Early morning/fall
*Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight
*Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ
*Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
*Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%
*Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%
*Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks
*Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
*Average # of erections during the night: 9
*Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
*The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)
*Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds
*Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours
*Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)
*Shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie: 7 years
*Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100
*Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm
*Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm
*Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm
*# of times condoms are thicker than plastic wrap: Almost 6
*In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet.
*Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste.
*Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.
*Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a pleasant and sugary taste. Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc. (drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)
*Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie.
*Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower.
*It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood,' a name for an a.m. erection.
*Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.

Sure Fire Ways To Know You're A Woman

1.. You're a bitch.
2.. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get
pissed off when you are believed.
3.. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties,
start ****** him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
4.. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5.. Whine.
6.. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your
almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep,
it's because he is lazy.
7.. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
8.. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
9.. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for
meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving
his love.
10.. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your
cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.
11.. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must
be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately
to spread this as quickly as possible.
12.. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing
anything other than catering to your needs.


There once were three women from Birmingham
And this is the story concerning them.
They lifted the frock
and tickled the cock
of the Bishop while he was confirming them.
Now the Bishop was nobody's fool
(He'd gone to a good public school)
So he pulled down their britches
and buggered those bitches
with his ten inch Episcopal tool.

When he'd filled up the last one with goo
She said, as the Bishop withdrew
"The Vicar is thicker
and quicker and slicker
and longer and stronger than you!"

In The Closet

This little boy hid in his parents bedroom closet as he wanted to see
what took place in their room when the doors were locked. As he peeked
thru the slats of the closet door he saw his mother and her boyfriend
going at it. Suddenly the boy's father comes home. The wife whisks her
boyfriend off into the closet - the same closet her son is in. After
several minutes the boy says to the man, "Boy it's dark in here."
Shocked, the man just nods his head in agreement. After a few more
minutes the boy says "Wanna buy my baseball glove?" The man asks "How
much?" In reply the boy says $50. The man agrees. Several more minutes
pass when the boy asks the man if he'd like to buy his baseball bat for
$50 as well. The man reluctantly agrees. After the father departs, the
woman takes her boyfriend out of the closet, and too upset to continue
she sends him on his way. The next morning at the breakfast table the
little boy pulls out a roll of money and begins counting it. The mother
asks "Where did that come from?, to which her son replied "Can't say."
The mother asks again and upon his refusal to tell she tells her son to
get in the car. The mother takes the boy to church and tells him to get
into the confessional and tell the priest where he got the money. When
the priest slid the door over, the boy said "Boy it's dark in here." To
which the priest replied, "Don't start that shit again...

IIIII

LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR OLDER PERSONS

Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.

Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the
middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in
case!

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to
scream out at the end.

IIIII

What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
A Sweet Fuck.

What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A thought.

 

[melody]

Two pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl." The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about.

The first pedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!"

99999

Q: How do you find a fat girl’s cunt?
A: You flip through the folds until you smell shit, And then go back one.
Q: How do you fuck a fat girl?
A: Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.
Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.
Q: Why are faggots so generous?
A: They don't know how to be tight-arsed.
Q: Why did the guy sleep with his sister in-law?
A: He had it in for his brother.

The Answer: A Cockrobin.
The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?

99999

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, 'Daddy fell into the well last week...' 'My goodness!' the teacher exclaimed. 'Is he all right?' 'He must be,' said the boy. 'He stopped yelling for help yesterday.'

99999

This husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, 'I gotta have you!'

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and nailed her.

When he finished he started putting his clothes back on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door and he asked, 'What's wrong honey? Didn't you come? Do you want more?'

His wife said, 'No, no, it's not that. I'm just trying to get the doorknob out of my asshole!'

Confessional Box

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
nnnnn
Sitting in a pub, a guy spotted a dog laying on the floor next to him. "Does your dog bite?" he asked the man sitting next to him. "no" he replied. After nearly having his arm bitten clean off, he said to the man sitting next to him "You cunt you said your dog doesn't bite"! To which the man replied "It doesn't, that's not my fucking dog".
nnnnn
What's the difference between a dog and a fox....About 2 lines of coke and a few drinks.
nnnnn
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!
nnnnn
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
nnnnn
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace.. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
nnnnn
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one everyday.
nnnnn
Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Every time!
Wife: No darling, it means,
With Idiot For Ever
nnnnn
My vibrator; which brings me heaven,
Rabbit be thy name.
You make me cum, you bring such fun,
- Or is it heaven?
Give me this day; my daily thrill,
And forgive me my screams,
As I forgive those who sold me dud batteries.
Lead me straight into temptation.
Deliver me from frustration.
For thine is the vibrator,
...
The power and rotation.
Forever and ever.
AMEN

Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed...
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed, 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
________

A little boy walks into his parents ' room to see his mom on top of
his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly
dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly
and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flat...
ten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up.

 

[melody]

Creation Of The Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a carpenter, strong and bold,
using a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Second was a butcher, endowed with wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Then came a tailor, tall and thin,
with a piece of red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
using a piece of fur, he lined it without.
Then came a fisherman, nasty as Hell,
he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Next was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Finally, a sailor, the dirty little runt,
he fucked it and sucked it and called it a cunt.

ddddd

Q: How can you tell if two lesbians are twins?
A: They lick alike.

Q: What's a tiger?
A: A five-hundred-pound pussy that eats you.

Q: When do you know you're really lonely?
A: Your own tongue starts to feel good in your mouth.

ddddd

There once was a girl from Decatur
Who got laid by a big alligator.
Now, nobody knew
The result of that screw,
Because after he laid her, he ate her.
There once was a man from Madrass
Whose balls were made out of brass
When he'd bang 'em together
They'd play stormy weather
And lightning would shoot out of his ass

ddddd

Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.

Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
A. Her lipstick

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.

ddddd

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

One morning a little girl ran inside and said Daddy, Daddy my sister
and the man you hired last week are up on the hay loft in the barn
on all that new hay we just bought. She has her dress up and he has
his pants down. I think they are about to piss all over that new
hay!
=====
Why is it good for young boys to read Playboy and Penthouse?
It improves hand to eye coordination.
=====
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
=====
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
=====
"I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up.
They have no holidays."
=====
Q. Did you hear about the gay guy that's on the patch?
A. He's down to four butts a day.

Q. What does a poof and an ambulance have in common?
A. They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

Q. Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
A. He found a hare up his ass.

Q. Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
A. So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the arse.

Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
A. They exchanged loads.

Advice To Be Passed On To Your Daughter

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all
up there.

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you
can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to
make some woman miserable.


HOW TO KNOW YOU ARE GROWING OLD ...

You get winded playing cards.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You join a health club and don't go.

You look forward to dull evenings

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

You know all the answers but nobody asks you questions.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.



"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can’t live without
me, and she wants to marry me."

"And you’re asking my permission to marry her?"

"No, I’m asking you to make her leave me the fuck alone."