JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Chocolate Chip Cookies

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs,
dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie
before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to
the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled
into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking
cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled
to the table and was just barely able to lift
his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped
a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with
a spatula.
"Don't touch those!" she said, "They are for
the funeral."
======
Dirty Johnny was in grade three. The teacher was discussing
weather science. She asked the class if anyone knew what was
on top a weather vane. Only Johnny raised his hand.
She didn't want to ask him because she knew he would
think of something "dirty" to say. However, he WAS the
only kid with a raised arm. So, she acknowledged him. "Johnny,
what is on top of a weather vane?" she asked.
"A cock," Johnny replied.
"Very good," the teacher cringed. "And, Johnny, do you know
why there is a cock on top of a weather vane?"
"Yeah, sure," Johnny said. "`cause if it were a cunt, the wind
would blow right through it!"

======
Q: What's the worse thing about ****** a blonde?
A: She starts talking again the second you take your dick out of her mouth.

Q: What's the best thing about ****** a blonde?
A: She shuts up the second you put your dick back in her mouth.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."

 

[melody]

A Wealthy Playboy

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive
lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon
discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and
apparently very intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of
expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered
her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,

"Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods.
Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a
glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and
the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the
enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems
as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being
begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly
played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world.
Port, on the other hand, makes me fart."
____________

In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the

same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m.,

regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to

do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to

why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a

Worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of

the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of

the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for

themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were

holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to

ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time

Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life

Support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

 

[melody]

The Mute

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a
friend of his; also a mute.

In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing.
The friend replied (vocally!)

"Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now!"

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to
a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a
treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.
Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this
specialist.

They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the
specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent damage. The
mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that
there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.

"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right
now!"

"Very well," replied the specialist. "Kindly go into the next
room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be
right in."

The mute does as instructed, and the doctor snuck in carrying a
broomstick, a mallet and a jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom
handle, he 'sent it home' with a deft swipe of the mallet.

The mute jumped from the table, screaming,

"AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

"VERY good," smiled the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we work on 'B'."

*********
There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!"
Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.
Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

*********
A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.
This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer?"
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking good, I'm heading home!"

 

[melody]

Ahhhhh, The Married Life

A couple had only been married for two weeks the husband, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with
his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right
back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

His wife said, "You want a beer, my lover?" She opened the door to
the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from
12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you know....
they have frozen glasses...."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge
beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar the have those hors d'oeuvre that are really delicious..I won't be
long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvre, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvre: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey.... at the bar.... you know there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT YOUR
ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER-FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED
BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

....and, they lived happily ever after.

jjj

Did you hear about the junkie who was found dead in an alley with shit in his veins?
He'd been shooting craps!

What's the difference between a friend and a real friend?
A friend will help you move. A real friend will help you move a body!

What did the necrophiliac pedophile say when he couldn't come into work?
"I'm sorry I'm feeling a little stiff!"

Did you hear about the homosexual undertaker?
He called his mates around to suck on a few cold ones!

Did you hear about the dead blonde they found in a lake?
It has police stumped because it has the body parts of both genders. A vagina and a brain!

jjj

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went fishing.

jjj

"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months."
Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."

 

[melody]

Gorilla's Delight

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.

The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."

Again she said no and again he persuaded her.

This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"


Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made
$30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to
the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for
my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made
$ 45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them
abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her
breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a
box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny.

"Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell
enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all
said the same thing. Hey, this tastes like crap!

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

 

[melody]

A Little Sparrow

Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided
not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow.
The sparrow thought it was the end.
But the manure warmed him and de...frosted his wings.
Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping,
investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY

1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
3) And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
uuuuu
A girl was visiting her blonde friend and noticed she had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
Whereupon the blonde responded, "What else you gonna name watch dogs?"
uuuuu
Miss Jones was teaching her class math.
She asked, "Johnny, if your father earned $100.00
and gave half of it to your mother,
what would she have?"
Little Johnny replied, "A heart attack!?"

 

[melody]

Rough, Tough And Selfish

A guy walks a woman to the door after their first date. He asks her if she had a good time. She tells him yes but that to get her really horny, she likes her men to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.

The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in a bikers black leathers. He grabs her, throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley, and away they go to the nearest bikers bar.

The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers. When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.

He asks her "Well, was I rough?"

"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.

"And was I Tough?" he asks.

"Oh yes," she moans.

"Well then, it's time to be selfish".

So saying, he whips it out and gives himself a handjob.
__________

A guy was talking with his co-worker about where they should go
for a beer after work. The friend suggested a place just to the
north of their factory, because they were running a "Happy-Hour"
deal: 2-for-1 beers from 5 PM to midnight.

Our hero agreed that 2-for-1 beers during Happy-Hour was a pretty
good deal, but he wanted to try a place he'd been to over the
weekend. He explained to his friend that, while beers were fairly
expensive at this place, each beer purchased also came with a
numbered ticket. "And... get this... Once every half-hour, they
pull a number from a hat, and if they call the number of your
ticket, you get laid... for free!"

The friend quickly agreed to try the new place.

Later, our hero and his dejected friend can be seen, quite drunk,
sitting at a table at the new place, a large pile of tickets in
front of each man.

Drunkenly, the friend suggests, "Hey, this is a rip-off! We've
been here about 6 hours now, each had over 20 beers, there's only
4 other guys in the place, and we haven't won once!"

"Yeah," agreed our hero, "I just don't understand it. We were
here last weekend... and my wife won 3 times!"

 

[melody]

If God Was A Woman....

1. Sex would smell like chocolate
2. Farts would smell like roses
3. Dogs would smell spring fresh
4. Babies would come from vending machines
5. Men would be born with a permanent erection
6. All women would have the same size breasts
7. There would be no cellulite
8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE
9. Men would be born with an "OFF" switch
10. There would be no "Hooters"
11. A man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife
12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in
Hawaii!
13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle
14. Men would come with software to be custom designed
15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by
wife
16. Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant
verification of truth
17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the
difference between six inches and three inches
18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds
19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the
cheek
20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.


A very homely young woman made an appointment with the psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can," said the doctor, "Just go over and lie face down on that couch!"

---------

"Doc, you gotta help me!" said the man to his doctor, "I eat apples, and whole apples come out. I eat bananas and whole bananas come out. What can I do?"
"Simple," replied the doc, "Eat Shit!"

---------

Psycho pick-up lines...

*Wanna swap meds?
*Can I buy you a spatula?
*Bet you're wondering why I have no nostrils?
*Your crawlspace or mine?
*You look like the kind of person who appreciates catheters.
*May I lick your forehead?
*Do you always wear your shoes over your socks?
*Smeep. Smeep. Smeep.
*What's your favorite flavor of wood?
*You've stolen my heart, but that's okay because I have
three more back home in the freezer!

 

[melody]

Naughty Q's & A's

Q: How do you know if the barman hates you.
A: When you find a string in your bloody Mary.

Q. What's the difference between a woman from Wigan and a walrus?
A. One's got a moustache and smells of fish and the other lives in the sea.

Q. Why did God give women orgasms?
A. So they've got something else to moan about.

Q. What do Kermit the frog and Roseanne Bars husband have in common?
A. They both enjoy fucking pigs.

Q. What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
A. One is hairy, smelly, and is always scratching its arse and the
other's a monkey.

Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your
house and car with them.

Q. Why can't you trust a woman?
A. How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't
die?

Q. What's the best way to a man's heart?
A. Through the back with a Stanley knife.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.

Q. What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.

Q. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A. 99 cents a minute.

Q. What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting
circumcised?
A. When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick.

Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Q. What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
A. Bisexual.

Q. What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A. Gonorrhoea.

Q. How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A. The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Q. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Political Correctness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ....


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

 

[melody]

Holy Shit!

A couple has been ****** for three months, and the sex is getting dull.
One night they're lying in bed when the girl shyly says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."
He says, "Sure."
She says, "Stand over me and take a shit on me."
So he's pretty shocked, but he figures well, if it's what she wants he'll do it. He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.
She says, "Now lie in it on top of me and screw me."
So he lies on top of her, with the shit oozing between them, and she gives him the wildest hump he's ever had.
So the next time they're fucking, she asks him to do it again. He stands over her and grinds out a huge turd onto her chest. Then he lies on her, and they have another incredible lay.
As time goes on, Harry really gets into it. He eats like a horse on the days before their dates, because it seems the more he craps on her, the better the sex is.
One Thursday night, he has the runs, so on Friday morning he eats a few cheese sandwiches and downs a whole bottle of Kaopectate before he goes to work, so he won't have any catastrophic accidents at the office.
That night, he goes to her house, they go in the bedroom and get undressed, she lies on the bed, he stands over her, and squats down, and grunts...but nothing comes out. He strains a bit, and grunts, and then llbbt!...a little fart...but nothing of any substance. For a few minutes, he's pushing and grunting, when suddenly she starts sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" he asks.
"You're seeing someone else!"


There was a young man named Keith,
Who liked to be fondled beneath,
When she'd start with her lips,
Mmmmm, he'd wiggle his hips...
But not when the bitch used her teeth!
==================================
There once was a fellow named Ben,
Who was aroused by the sheep in the pen
Though he knew it's forbidden,
He was quite parasite ridden,
From trying it every now and then.
==================================
Now the Bishop was nobody's fool,
He'd been to a fine public school
He lowered his britches
And fucked both those bitches
With his twelve-inch Episcopal tool.

 

[melody]

Blow Job Etiquette

WHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no damner of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

 

[melody]

Playing Doctor

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the
neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and
dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their
sexuality by playing doctor at their age," the neighbor said.

"Sexuality?!" the mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"

***********

Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they
strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.''

********

There was an Indian, a caveman, and a cowboy. One day they ran out of food and decided to go hunting. The Indian went out and got a bear, the caveman and the cowboy said, how did you get that? He said,” Me find tracks me follow tracks me get bear." So the next day the cowboy went out and got a deer, the caveman said,” How did you get that? He said "Me find tracks me follow tracks me get deer." So when the caveman got backs from his hunt all bloody, and disfigured. The Indian and cowboy said,” How did that happen?" The caveman replied, "Me find tracks, me follow tracks me get hit by train!!"

Safe Sex Tips

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a
matter of life or death. Here are some valuable tips
to help you "play it safe":

* Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens
for cash, then buy the crack directly.

* Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay;
resultant loss of erection will prevent potential
unsafe sex.

* Wash hands thoroughly before fisting goat.

* Under no circumstances should you give CPR to a stranger.

* Avoid dipping penis in buckets of AIDS-infected blood.

* Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in
the clergy from harm."

* Pull out cat's teeth before pouring gravy over vagina.

* Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow
anyone to get to third base with you.

* Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried
and scabbed over before use.

* When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an
equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of
CHI imbalance.

* Stock up on free safe-sex pamphlets at local health clinic;
use them to make paper-mache genital wrap.

* Before fellating anonymous man in back room of gay bar,
be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

* Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before
penetrating ape.

* You CAN get it from kissing -- tear out partner's tongue
before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

* To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

* Avoid talking to homosexuals at all costs.

* If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand
to hope for the best.

O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0

Q: What does an elephant use as a tampon?
A: A Sheep

Q: What does an elephant use as a vibrator?
A: An epileptic pygmy

Q: What's green with 15 breasts?
A: The wheelie bin behind the breast cancer clinic.

 

[melody]

The Little Guy

So there’s a little guy sitting at a bar
…when a much larger, muscular guy walks in who seems to have a chip on his shoulder. The big guy sits down next to the little guy and orders a beer, after a bit the big guy jumps up and completely out of nowhere punches the little guy, knocking him to the floor. "That's boxing, from Las Vegas."
The little guy picks himself up off the floor, dusts himself off, gets back on his stool and just quietly goes back to his drink. The big guy also sits back down, but after a few minutes he gets back up and kicks the little guy who slides all the way to the end of the bar. "That's karate, from Japan."
Again, the little fellow just quietly gets up, goes back to his seat, and resumes drinking. A few more minutes go by and the big fella gets up a third time, grabs the little dude, and throws him right into the door of the bar. "That's kung fu, from China."
This time, however, the little guy gets up and just walks out. After some time he walks back in, right up behind the big guy, and cracks him over the head, laying him unconscious in the floor. The little guy looks at the bartender and says "You tell that sonofabitch when he wakes up that that was crowbar, from Sears and Roebuck."

A guy walks into a pharmacy store
and goes up to the counter and asks the lady at the register where he can find the tampons at. "Aisle 7" she replies. He returns ten minutes later with some string, a roll of scotch tape, and a bag of cotton balls. The lady at the register goes "what in the heck, i thought you were getting tampons?" The man replies, "I was going to until I remembered that i sent my wife out for cigarettes last week and she came home with rolling papers and a bag of tobacco saying it was cheaper to do it myself."

I always wondered why a Frisbee looks like it gets bigger & bigger the closer it comes to you..
and then it hit me.

A man is stranded on a deserted island

A man is stranded on a deserted island for 10 years. One day, a gorgeous blond woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear arrives on the island. She comes up to the man and says, “How long has it been since you had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!” he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that ever good!”
Then she asks, “How long has it been since you had a whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whiskey and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says, “Wow, that is fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you had some real fun?”
And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

Whats the difference between messing around with a girl in a canoe, and Bud-Light?

Nothing! they are both fucking close to water.

Boating

An old man and his wife go boating on the river one day. When
they reach a fork in the river, the man asks his wife "Up or down".

His wife immediately takes off all her clothes and they spend
the rest of the afternoon making love in the boat.

The next week they again go boating on the river. When they
reach the fork in the river, the man again asks his wife
"Up or down". But this time she merely answers "Down".

Puzzled, the man asks her why she took off all her clothes and
made love to him when he asked her the same question before.

She replies that last week she wasn't wearing her hearing
aid and thought he said "fuck or drown".

***

Q: How are airplanes and women alike?
A: They both have cockpits!

Q. What Do You Call A Woman Who Knows Where Her Husband Is
Every Night?
A. A Widow.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a
grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to
play with...the other is used to carry groceries.

Q. If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be
the prostitute?
A. The one that's labeled "IDAHO"

 

[melody]

The Fart List
Part 3

THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and
points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away,
sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the
Biggest Fart in the World Fart.

THE JOHN FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is
naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled.
If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure.
Common as pigeons.

THE LEAD FART: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon.
Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor,
which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a far. What was that, you
might think? And never guess.

THE MALTED MILK BALL FART: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this
fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.

THE OH MY GOD FART: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart
that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever
encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh shit, which would be understandable.

THE OMEN FART: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only
difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head
for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.

THE ORGANIC FART: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who
farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If
he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and health
his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with
him. He is doing what he thinks is best.

Divorce Letter

Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have
nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last
straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a
new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a
brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went
straight to
sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me
Anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband
and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P. S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's
true that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice
when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!'
Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice,
I didn't comment .
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you
must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from
me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit
my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were
gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My
lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime
from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
Heather
P. S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

 

[melody]

Polish Sausage

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days....

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
^^^^^
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings; she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant? She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

 

[melody]

Chinese Restaurant

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied.
... "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him,
"Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied,
and he went into the kitchen.
He returned in a few minutes and said,
"No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir,"
the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone,
Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China.
Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.
"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated.
"We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews,
but no Chinese Jews."
==========
SIGN ON POLISH CONTRACEPTIVE VENDING MACHINE
Don't buy this gum....it tastes like rubber.
How can you tell if a man is horny?
He's breathing.
What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?
Relative humidity.

==========

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife: "Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station. Bell 1 rings -- we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings -- we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings -- we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go. From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked. When I says Bell two' you jump on de bed. When I says 'Bell tree' we's gonna mek love all tru de night." The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell One' and she stripped naked. 'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed. 'Bell Tree' and they started to make love. After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four". "What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked. She replied : "Roll out more hose, mon, you aint nowhere near de fire.

Demon In Her Wheelchair

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, charging around the nursing home, taking corners on two wheels, and reaching maximum speeds on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was a few bricks shy of a full load the other residents tolerated her, and some of the male residents even joined in.

One day, Ethel was flying down one corridor when a door opened and out stepped kooky Clarence with his hand in the air, “STOP" he ordered. Do you have a license to drive that thing? Ethel fished around in her pocket, pulled out a candy wrapper and held it up for him to see "OK" he said, and away Ethel went down the hall at top speed.

Rounding the corner by the lunchroom weird Willy jumped out yelling, "STOP"...... Do you have proof of insurance? Ethel searched her other pocket and pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up for Willy to see. Very well. Willy nodded carry on ma'am.

As Ethel rounded the last corner headed for the front door, Crazy Dale stepped out in front of her wearing nothing but a huge erection. Damn cried Ethel "not the Breathalyzer again"
__________

A hot girl walks into the "women doctors" office and sits down. The doctor knocks lightly and then comes in. He sees that the woman is extremely hot. He walks up and wastes no time, he slides his hands up her shirt and starts caressing her boobs and says, "do you know what I’m doing. " she says "yes! You are feeling for cancer right?" he says, "yeah, o yeah." After that he starts taking off the woman’s pants and starts massaging her thighs and says, "do you know what I’m doing now?" she thinks and says "yes! You are feeling for cancer right?" he says a yeah that’s it, feeling for cancer. After that he pulls off his pants gets on top of her and says "do you know what I’m doing now?" she says "O DOC yes I do, your getting genital warts and that’s why I came here!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[melody]

My Very First Time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine

I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart

And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came

At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow!
________

A boy comes home from school and says to his mom,” I lost my virginity today".
His mom replies angrily, "You tell your father about what you've done, when he gets home!" His dad comes home about twenty minutes later and he tells his dad that he lost his virginity. His dad says, "Good job son! How was it?
Then the son says, "It was pretty good Dad, but do you have any Vaseline? My ass hurts."
_____________

A man had just opened a restaurant but he couldn't think of a name. So he decided to name it after the third person that walks in. The third person walks in and the guy asked for her name. She said "Jill." "Well Jill, you have nice legs."
So the guy named the restaurant "Jill's Legs." A week later a drunk was laying on the sidewalk outside the restaurant when a police officer asked him what he was doing. He replied: "I'm waiting for Jill's Legs to open so I can get a bite to eat."

 

[melody]

Las Vegas Hooker

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas
hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually
asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies in sultry sexy voice, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!
No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes." ... "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes." ..... "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."...... "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly,
"I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the
bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime,
worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says,
"I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, in her sexy, husky voice, "$1,500.00."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker in her husky, sexy voice. " Step over here to the window,
big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street?
I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job
that's worth every cent of $1,500."


The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to
put off the new car for another year or so and says,
"Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and
unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,
"How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those
beautiful lights, gambling palaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies in her deep husky sexy voice,
"but I would...............If I had a pussy!"
-----------
I want to die like my grandfather did, in his sleep.
Not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car.
-----------
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks:
"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

Jokes for July


July 1
Oh, kids are wild today. They get pregnant from eating chicken. Yeah, it's finger-lickin' good and one thing leads to another!
July 2
My life, I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. And I was jealous of the dog - so they got rid of me!
July 3
I don't get no respect. One night I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand - my wife lit it!
July 4
I made love to an inflatable girl - now I got an inflatable guy lookin' for me!
July 5
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
July 6
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I was so poor, in my neighborhood - the rainbow was in black and white!
July 7
I tell you, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters - my wife and her mother.
July 8
I was crossing the street, I got hit by a bookmobile. I was laying there in pain moaning, the guy went shhhhhhhhhhhh....
July 9
In my neighborhood, they got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
July 10
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother!
July 11
I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the circus; we went to see the freaks. The owner looked at me, he said, "Get the kid out. He's distracting from the show!"
July 12
What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food!
July 13
Oh, when I was kid, I got no respect. I was kidnapped; they sent back a piece of my finger. My old man said he wanted more proof.
July 14
Oh, I knew one guy, he never went off his diet - he never drank, he never smoked, he never did anything wrong ... he was in perfect health - right up 'til the time he killed himself.
July 15
Oh, I'm getting old - my insurance company sent me half a calendar!
July 16
And when we were kids, the whole neighborhood made fun of my brother. They'd call him four eyes. Then when he got glasses then they called him eight eyes.
July 17
I told a guy, "Kids. Today the way they dress, you can't tell boys from girls. Why, look at that kid over there. What's that? A boy or a girl?" He said, "That's a boy, that's my son." I said, "Sure, you knew, you're his father." He said, "I'm not his father, I'm his mother!"
July 18
Oh, yesterday was a beauty. I found a guy's wallet. Inside was a picture of my kids!
July 19
I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
July 20
With my wife, I can never have a good time. The other night I was drinking. She told me to stop. She said, "You're drunk enough for me." I told her, "I'm never drunk enough for you."
July 21
I remember I told my wife, "Honey, I love you, will you marry me?" She said, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask me to do this."
July 22
My doctor told me not to make any quick moves - and my wife told me not to make any moves!
July 23
I tell you, a hooker is more important than a doctor. I mean, four o'clock in the morning, drunk. I'd never walk up five flights of stairs to see a doctor.
July 24
I found out how the limbo started - yeah, midgets sneaked into a pay toilet.
July 25
Last week, my fan club broke up - the guy died.
July 26
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I used to sleep six in one bed. I didn't know what it was to sleep alone until I got married!
July 27
When I was a kid, I was poor. My teeth were all yellow - I mean yellow - why, when I would smile, I would stop traffic!
July 28
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was, she put everything in both names. Her and her mother's.
July 29
I loaned a guy ten thousand dollars to get plastic surgery - now I can't find him - I don't know what he looks like!
July 30
Oh, I had an uncle who was really a big drinker. The fire burned for four days!
July 31
And I was an ugly kid. Every time my old man wanted sex, my mother showed him my picture. I mean, ugly. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

 

[melody]

British Humor

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!
———————————————————–
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did….
she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.
———————————————————–
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
“pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
———————————————————–
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low
cut tops…. although, they do make me look a bit gay.
———————————————————–
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”
———————————————————–
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class givehim a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop
before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
———————————————————–
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn’t follow you home after you lay it.
———————————————————–
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend…****
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.****
Or in other words……….. B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
———————————————————–
Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Only used it for half
an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It does everything -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot..”
———————————————————–
Question – Are there too many immigrants in Britain?****
17% said yes; 11% said No;
72% said “I am not understanding the question please.”
———————————————————–
On my Census form there is a question “Do you have any dependants?”
Apparently putting “Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums,
Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people” isn’t the
right answer.
They’ve sent my form back!
———————————————————–
Prince William says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his
wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn’t give a toss, he’s still going.
———————————————————–
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can’t afford batteries!
———————————————————–
Some bastard’s just pinched a pair of my wife’s panties off the washing
line. She’s not bothered about the panties but she wants the 12 clothes
pins back.

Taking A Woman To Bed

What is the difference between girls/women
aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?

***********************************************************************************

At 8
http://www.allofthecrap.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/image1.jpg
You take her to bed and tell her a story

***********************************************************************************

At 18
http://www.allofthecrap.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/image4.jpg
You tell her a story and take her to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 28
http://www.allofthecrap.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/image5.jpg
You don’t need to tell her a story
to take her to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 38
http://www.allofthecrap.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/image6.jpg
She tells you a story and takes you to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 48
http://www.allofthecrap.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/image8.jpg
She tells you a story to avoid going to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 58
http://www.allofthecrap.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/image9.jpg
You stay in bed to avoid her story

***********************************************************************************

At 68
http://www.allofthecrap.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/image11.jpg
If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story

***********************************************************************************

At 78
http://www.allofthecrap.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/image12.jpg
What story? What bed?
Who the hell are you?


***********************************************************************************

According to the
Office for National Statistics

190,374
people are having sex right now

212,130
are kissing

and one poor sod
is reading emails

You hang in there sunshine!

 

[melody]

The Glass Eye

A man living on the second storey of an apartment block was leaning out of the window one morning to check whether it was raining when a glass eye suddenly fell into his hand. Looking up, he saw a girl peering down from four stories above. "Is this yours?" he called out. "Yes," she replied. "Hold on," he said. "I'll bring it up to you." So he took the glass eye up to the girl's apartment. She invited him in and they started chatting. Not only was she extremely grateful to him but she also found him incredibly attractive and so she asked him out to dinner that evening. He readily accepted. The meal was a great success and afterwards she suggested they go back to his place and go to bed. She stayed the night and when she left the following morning, he said: "I'm sorry but I have to ask. Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
======
A young couple were banging away like there was no
tomorrow, when the boy stopped and asked the girl to spread her
legs farther apart, which she eagerly did, anticipating more of his
enthusiastic vigor. Instead, he timidly asked her to spread her
legs even farther apart. She said, "Why? What are you trying to
do, ram your balls inside me?"
"No. I've already done that. Now I am trying to get them
back out."
======
Q: How can you tell that the letter you received came from a leper colony?
A: Because there is a tongue stuck to the stamp.

Q: What do you call 1,000 lesbians armed with rifles?
A: Militia Etheridge.

Q: Can you identify the functional difference between a Jewish American Princess and poverty?
A: Poverty sucks.

Locker Room Cell Phone

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after
exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A
man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

- "Hello?"

- "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"

- "Yes."

- "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a
beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

- "What's the price?"

- "Only $4,500.00"

- "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

- "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman
and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to
exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

- "What price did he quote you?"

- "Only $60,000..."

- "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

- "Great! Before we hang up, something else..."

- "What?"

- "I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the
house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The
one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront
property..."

- "How much are they asking?"

- "Only $550,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have
that much in the bank to cover..."

- "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

- "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

- "Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand
while holding the phone and asks all those present: - "Does
anyone know who the fuck this phone belongs to?"

=====

What are the three wonders of women?

1. They can produce milk without grazing...

2. They can bleed for 5 days without dying...

3. And they can bury a bone, deeper than a dog, without
getting their nose dirty!