JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

"What's That Daddy?"

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret."

The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?"

Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me."

A couple days later the little girl says to her mother. "Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush!"

"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks

"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."



Joe and Moe went outside to take a leak and Joe confessed,
"I wish I had a dick like my cousin Junior. He needs four
fingers to hold his."

Moe looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours
with four fingers."

"I know," sighed Joe, "but I'm pissing on three of them."


This young couple had only been married for one night
when the bride went to the doctor to say, "This is my
first day of marriage, and bothers me."

Doctor: "What is it?"

Bride: "Well, during sex I feel his dick touch my
kidneys."

Doctor: "Just send in your groom, and I will cut a couple
of inches off and hopefully it will not reach your kidneys."

Bride: "No, I want you to remove my kidneys instead."


On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had
an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the
groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride
called her mother from the hospital.

"Mother", she sobbed, "My husband has only one foot."

The mother, trying to console her daughter said, "I wish
your father did, he only has six inches."

 

[melody]

Survival Guide For Taking A Dump At Work:

It's Long but hysterical

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
or
forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive
when
passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee,
do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing
next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it.
No
one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a
joke
or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine
guns
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If
this
should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has
left
the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone
of
the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed
location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you
have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to
pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a
COURTESY
FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
You
will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for
the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE
HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering
the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall
and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way
you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON
or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in
conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that
the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
WATERMELON
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the
pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper,
as
you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
in,
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.

CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus.
Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include hairs, stains and streaks.
Avoid
CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans
each
particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK
WHORE can
become a SAFE HAVEN.

 

[melody]

Men Are Like....

Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

88888

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!

 

[melody]

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable
word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles
and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful!'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

@@@

A woman is complaining to her friend about her marriage.
Her friend says, "Yeah, I understand, I guess there isn't anymore magic
in your life."
"Oh, no, there's still some magic! Every Saturday night he disappears!"

@@@

"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."

@@@

A guy came home from work, "Honey, where are you?"
"I'm upstairs douching," his wife answered.
"I told you never to talk like that!" he yelled.
"What do you want," she called out, "good grammar or good taste?"

@@@

Mary had a little lamb,
she kept it in her yard
And when she took her panties off,
his wooly dick got hard

Mary Mary quite contrary
Shave your bush it's so damn hairy

Hickory dickory dock
some girl was sucking my cock
The clock struck two
I shot my goo
And dumped the bitch on the next block.

 

[melody]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this
particular day, the teacher asked her class, "Which part of
the body goes to heaven first, after we die?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind
goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order
to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl, "Very Good."

A little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart
goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher.

The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up.

"Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven
first?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."

The teacher asked him, "Why do you think your feet go to
heaven first?"

He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom
last night and my mom had her feet up in the air, screaming,
'Oh God, I'm coming!'"


Little Johnny was watching TV with his father while his
mother prepared the dinner in the kitchen.

After a while Little Johnny wanders into the kitchen and
asks his mother "Mummy, are the Spice Girls robots?"

"No, dear they aren't, why do you ask?"

"Well, Daddy just said that he'd like to screw the ass off
the Black one."


One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish
lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on
the new offspring, then said:
"But isn't having nine babies a little much?"

"Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often,
it must be something in the air."

"Yes," said the priest, "your legs...."

===

Q. What did the real baby say to the test tube baby?
A. Your dad is a jerk-off.

 

[melody]

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race,
went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only
to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,"
said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled,
'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured,
'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled,
'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

gAdfg

Being older with grown children, I often tell younger parents
to enjoy them now. It's a short time between shitty diapers
to a shitty attitude.

gAdfg

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one
day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and
said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends
now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny." "Why?" one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this
close to being a turd.

gAdfg

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened
to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.

"Can I see it?" asked the second gay guy, so he promptly
dropped his pants to show off his operation.

"Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"

gAdfg

Recent medical journals now counsel doctors that, when testing stupid
people,
to refrain from telling them that they have sugar in their urine.
Otherwise, they'll go home and piss on their corn flakes.

 

[melody]

Drinking With The Guys

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for few beers after work.
The man says: "My wife will get mad if I go drinking with the guys after work."
His coworker says: "No problem! When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets,
gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man stays out late, then later he sneaks into the house, slides down under the sheets and gets to work.
Soon moans and groans of pleasure fill the air.
"Wait," says the man, "I have to take a leak. I'll be right back."
He gets to the bathroom and is shocked to see his wife sitting on the toilet!
"How did you get in here?!"
"Shhhhh! Your mom's visiting, and you'll wake her up."


Q. What's grosser than eating your grandmother's pussy?
A. Banging your head on the coffin lid after you're done.

Q. What do you call six lepers in a hot tub?
A. Porridge.

Q. Why should you wear ribbed condoms for anal sex?
A. Better traction in the mud.

Q. What's the definition of disgusting?
A. Stuffing a dozen oysters into your granny's cunt and sucking out thirteen.

Q. Why does a rancher fuck a goat at the end of a cliff?
A. So the goat will push back.


Three retards are walking and come across a turd
The 1st one sticks his eye in it and says to the others "It looks like it !"
The 2nd one sticks his nose in it and says to the others"It sure smells like it !"
The 3rd one licks it and says to the others "It sure tastes like it, good thing we
didn't stand in it!"

 

[melody]

Pearly Gates

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.
"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second.
"I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
88888
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."
88888
A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women's deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!
88888
A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five dollars". He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?". His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!".

 

[melody]

Little Johnny The Gambler

The teacher had caught little Johnny gambling several times. She
requested a conference with Johnny's dad who admitted that he also had
tried to break Johnny of his gambling habit. After many failed efforts,
Johnny one day (after school) called the teacher a hypocrite.

"Why do you say that, Johnny," she asked.
"Because you are."
Again she asked, "why."
He said, "Because you're not a true blonde."

She demanded to know how much money Johnny had.
It came to about $50. She bet him $50 dollars she was a true blonde.
She went behind her desk and removed her panties.

Then she stood with her back to the door and pulled her dress up
showing
her radiantly blonde pubic hair. Afterwards she called the father and
told him what she had done "in Johnny's best interest."

The father moaned and groaned and cried, "Oh, no," numerous times.

The teacher said, "Look, I did this for Johnny. Do you think it was
easy
for me to pull up my dress and show Johnny my pussy? I'd think you'd be
understanding instead of critical!"

The father replied, "Oh, I'm not so upset that you showed Johnny your
pussy, it's just that..."

"Just that what?" the embarrassed teacher asked.

The father replied, "It's just that I decided to break Johnny of
betting myself, and this morning I bet him that he was wrong when he boasted
that before the day was over, he'd have you lifting your skirt and
showing him your pussy."


One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable
little
girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said,
"what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to
come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it
just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest
thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with
her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says,
"Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"

 

[melody]

Asian Funnies

Two Happy Holes

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and she let out a big fart. She looked up and said, "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"
*****

CHINESE DETECTIVE

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.

So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to
watch and report any activities that might develop.

A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir :

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

Fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE!

*****

A woman was wondering why she hadnt had sex in 5 months.
So her friend told her to go and see a chinese sex doctor.
When she got there he told here to take off all her clothes and crawl to the other end of the room and back.
As she was crawling back towards the doctor, he said "Oh yes... I see the problem now"
"What is it", replied the woman.
"Your face look like your ass" said the doctor.

*****

A Chinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy.
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. " What will you name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

 

[melody]

Out On A Date

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A few months after his parents were divorced,
Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw
her rubbing her body and moaning,
"I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months,
He saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes,
Threw himself on his bed,
Started stroking himself, and moaning,
"I need a bike! I need a bike!"

 

[melody]

A Terrible Car Accident

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the emergency room and says his wife’s been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor and minutes later he comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
“Mr. Jones?” the doctor asks. “Yes sir, what’s happened? How is my wife?” The doctor sits next to him and says, “Not good news. Your wife’s accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.”
“Oh my God” says Mr. Jones, “what will be her prognosis?” Dr. Smith says “Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She’ll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.” Mr. Jones begins to sob. “And you’ll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.”
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. “Then, of course,” the doctor continued, “you’ll have to diaper her as she’ll have no control over her bladder and the diapers must be changed throughout the day.” Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues, “You’ll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she’ll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I’m afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she’ll be emitting regularly.”
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. “Hey, I’m just fucking with you, she’s dead.”

000000

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London .
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up
and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the rabbi, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi`s shoe and
spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab
said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the
other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.
When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As
the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors:
'Why does it have to be this way?
'How long must this go on?
'This fighting between our nations?
'This hatred?
'This animosity?
'This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

 

[melody]

My back aches, my pussy is sore,
I simply can't fuck anymore,
I'm covered in sweat, And you haven't come yet,
And my God, its a quarter to four!

***

There once was a hacker named Ken,
Who inherited truckloads of Yen,
So he built him some chicks, Of silicon chips,
And hasn't been heard from since then.

***

There was a young girl from Hong Kong,
Whose cervical cap was a gong,
She said with a yell, as a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong"

***

There was an old pirate named Bates,
Who was learning to Rumba on skates,
He fell on his cutlass, which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.

***

There was a girl from the Azores,
Whose pussy was covered in sores,
The men who got pussed, were desperate for lust,
And licked up what was left in her drawers.

***

There once was this bum-fucking faggot,
He'd see anything male and he'd shag it,
One day he fucked the wrong ass, now he's pushing up grass
And his only mate now is a maggot!

***

There once was a horny boy Matt,
Who played with a vampire bat,
With his dick in his hand,
His voice did command,
"Try sucking the blood out of that!"

***

My dorky ex-roommate Pierre,
Once fell asleep in my chair,
I pulled out my unit,
Proceeded to tune it,
And fired my load in his hair!

***

There once was a girl from Nantucket,
Whose boyfriend was about to just chuck it,
She said with a grin,
Wipe that cum from your chin,
I told you it's my job to suck it!

***

Hickory Dickory Dock,
In ten seconds you'll be sucking my cock,
So think very quick,
As I whip out my dick,
Hickory Dickory dock!

***

There was a young man from Crete,
Who could shoot sperm across the street,
A chemist named Kelly,
Bottled the 'jelly',
And sold it as extract of meat!

 

[melody]

Paul's Tricks

She was an attractive barmaid so Paul slapped a ten on the bar
said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the
bathroom."

She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the
bet. Paul took his glass eye out placed it beside the glass and
went to the bathroom.

"Betcha I can bite my own ear," Paul challenged. The bet was
accepted and he took out his false teeth & nipped his ear. Once
more he scooped up the money.

"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back.
I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing."

Now that was one thing she knew about so she accepted the bet.
Paul lifted her skirt & away they went.

"I can feel you," she cried.

"Oh well," Paul said, "You win some, you lose some !!"

======

A recent study was made to find out what days
men prefer to have sex: It was found that men
preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days
that started with "T":

Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and Thunday

=====

Just exactly what does a man mean, and want you to be when he
calls you a BITCH???

B eautiful As A Rose
I ntelligent In Conversation
T alented At Every Thing You Do
C harming And Very Erotic
H orny The Most Important Part!!!

So girls... Next time a guy calls you a BITCH...... Smile and
say......"Of your dreams!!!"

or, the *male* version:

B ootie!
I ntercourse!
T its!
C limax!
H ooooters!

 

[melody]

Online ****** Reality Check

If your gut has ever told you that an online ****** site profile you’ve read was full of shit… you were most likely right. Women fudge their profiles big time, but you can stay one step ahead of them by knowing the truth behind what their profiles say.

“Occasional smoker” – If she could fit an entire pack of cigarettes in her mouth, light it on fire, and inhale until her lungs explode… she would. And she would then proceed to spend the rest of her non-smoking time yammering on about how she needs to quit smoking once and for all, and this time she means it!

“Occasional drinker” - She’s the one at parties that spends the first half of the night bent back with a funnel full of 140 proof whisky being tossed down her pie hole; and the second half with her fat and only friend holding her hair back while she projectile vomits into the host’s shower stall.

“I like to have fun” – Means she never has any fun, has no friends or hobbies, and hopes you’re going to introduce her to all of your fun friends and take her to all of your fun parties and events so she can finally have a life.

“I’m goal oriented” - She will tell you every day about her desperate desires for a better job, and complain that she is above her current job, but will never actually get a better job because she enjoys whining about her current pathetic state of affairs too much.

“Looking for a committed relationship” - She is severely insecure and will prove it to you by asking you about every single place you go, person you see and web site you visit, bar none. She would implant a GPS tracking device in your neck if she could… sleep tight!

“Body Size: Average” – The rolls of fat hanging out the sides of her shirt that are remarkably similar in appearance to when you pop open a new pack of unbaked Pillsbury bread sticks “are natural and you’re just going to have to accept them” (along with their ever increasing growth in size).

“Height: Prefer Not To Say”- She’s either troll short with those stumpy little legs swishing together as she walks trying to keep up with you; or so tall that unless you’re Shaq it would be like fucking a giraffe.

“I am career minded” - Every day she will fill you in on every microscopic, mind numbingly boring, blow by blow description of her monotonous low-paying job in such painstaking detail that you will be rummaging through the closets and drawers for something to hang yourself with.

“Likes to travel”- Everyone loves to travel. But when she says it, it means she enjoyed that trip to Disney Land Florida with her folks when she was twelve. She’ll then drone on about all the places she wants to go to, but never will. Like all inclusive trips to Cuba where she can discover her alcoholic binge drinking tendencies and rendezvous with strange men for unbridled promiscuous sex in your absence.

“He must be well off” - She doesn’t in fact make any money herself, but has spectacularly expensive taste and needs someone else to shovel an endless supply of cash her way so that she can explore the deepest and darkest corners of her consumerism fantasies without restraint.

“Sometimes I do drugs”- If you connected all the needle marks on that constellation of horrors on her arm, you could form a recreation of the Little Dipper! If you do meet her in person and she gives you a fantastic blow-job, you can thank her for her hours of practice on the glass pipe. But you won’t be thanking her for that weeping puss filled blister at the tip of your prick.

 

[melody]

Female / Male
Masturbation Stories

Neighbors watching

I love to masturbate with the window open, I have a two-story house next to me. The wife is always outside in the garden and he is always upstairs, I know that they like to watch me play with my cunt, so I lay on my bed with my legs spread open, and shove a dildo in my cunt and tweak my nipples. I have on several occasions seen him watching me while he is playing with his cock, and I have seen her put the handle of a pruning thing inside under her dress and fuck herself with it from the reflection in the mirror. This is a big turn on for me. I also take my back massager and hold it on my clit at high speed until I am peeing and cumming at the same time!

Noisy pussy

First I like to lick my fingers and pinch my nipples. Since I have my left nipple pierced, I like to pull on the ring a little bit, and that gets me real hot. Then I lick my fingers and start playing with my clit, but usually I am so hot that I have enough juices flowing so that I don't have to do that. Then I get my big red dildo and slowly put it in, and by this point, my pussy is almost sucking it in. Once it's in I start pumping it in and out, and since I'm so wet it makes great noises, which I really like hearing. I fuck myself with the dildo and play with my cunt 'til I cuuuuuuuum and when I finally cum I stick my fingers in me and get them all wet and taste my self. This is usually enough to get me hot again, and start all over.

Rock and spank

I get on all fours on my bed stick my butt way up in the air. I stick my finger on my clit and rock back and forth. When I'm close to cumming I stop and spank my butt really hard, then my finger goes back to my clit and I rock rock rock like I'm riding a dick, then I spank spank spank, then back to clitty then spank harder and harder then clitty, then ahhhh, orgasm.

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Self-service

I like to put on women's' panties. It gets me real hard, than I start squeezing my nipples and wetting them with my saliva. Then it's time to touch my rock hard cock. By this time it's wet from my cum, I start spreading the cum along my cock with my finger tips. Getting it all lubed up. Than I put my legs over my head and stroke it faster and harder. Sometimes I can suck my own cock. I usually end with a mouthful of cum.

Any time, any place

I love to masturbate as much as possible. I will jerk off anywhere at any time. I love to jerk off while I am driving down the road. I just cannot seem to keep my hands off of my cock. I love to hear about women's masturbation stories and how they fill their panties with cum.

A good spurt

I like to masturbate as I lick my wife's bumhole. That is my favorite. I wait till she gets out of the bath then she bends over and holds her bum cheeks wide open. I kneel behind her and lick her hairy bumhole as I masturbate. When I want to cum I stand up and cum over her hole, rubbing my helmet on her hole as I cum and watching my cum spurt over it. I always get a very hard cock doing it and she loves it too.

Girlfriend's panties do the trick

First, I get horny by reading stories just like these and looking at amateur pics. I then like to squeeze my nipples and sometimes put clothes pins on them. I then begin to stroke my cock and apply lube to my ass. When I've relaxed I put a dildo into my ass. I like to look at nude and dirty photos of my girlfriend and push the dildo further into my ass. My cock is now very big and red and I wank my cock while fucking my ass with the dildo and then cum into a pair of my girlfriend's panties.

 

[melody]

Naughty Little Johnny Jokes

'Mummy, Mummy. I was at the playground and Daddy and...' Mummy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the stop, so Little Johnny tells her.

'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

`I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy'

At this point Mummy cut him off and says, Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and '... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.'

@@@

One night little Johnny got up to get a drink of water.... while walking past his parents he was forced to stop and scream daddy daddy what are you doing to mommy.

The dad simply replied mmmm… just making your brother Johnny …..go back to bed.

The next day when the dad got home from work he found Johnny crying on the stoop ....he asked Johnny what was wrong and Johnny replied oh daddy this morning I saw the mailman trying to eat my new brother

6 year old Marilyn and 4 year old Little Johnny were upstairs playing in their play room. Marilyn said "I think it's about time we start swearing. Don't you?"

Little Johnny nodded in agreement.

Marilyn said "Ok, I say 'ass' and you say 'hell.'"

Little Johnny again nodded his head in agreement and they went downstairs for breakfast. Their mom asked Marilyn what she wants to eat.

Marilyn replied "Well hell mom, I'll have some Cheerios."

Her mom spanked her and sent her to her room. She then asked Little Johnny what he wanted for breakfast.

Little Johnny said "I don't know, but you bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

@@@

The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"

Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"

The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"

And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!" And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"

And Little Johnny replied, "Fucking homework and tests!"

@@@

Little Johnny said to his aunt Tess, "My God, you're ugly, aren't you!"

His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.
"You naughty boy!" she screamed, "How can you say to your aunt that she's ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you're sorry!"

Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Tess, I am sorry you're so ugly."

A Group Of Prisoners

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn, speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says “My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder.” Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.
The next guy stands up and says “My name is Mike and I’m in for armed robbery.” Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says “My name is Luke, but I’m not telling you what I’m in for.” The group leader says “Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did.”
“Alright then… I’m in for fucking dogs.” Everyone is disgusted! They shout “What!!?? How low can you get!” To which Luke replies, “Well… I did manage do to a Dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little.”

======

Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping. One said, “I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way?” So they made a bet of $10 on whose wife would do it on the lease amount of liquor.
After a week, they met in a bar. “Well”, said the first guy, “How much liquor did it take?” “A pint of whiskey”, replied the other guy. The first guy said “You win, it took me a whole bottle just to get my wife out in the yard.”

======

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.

Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining
that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next
best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde, "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip
code keeps changing."

 

[melody]

Alcohol Warnings

Alcohol Warnings #1

Due to increasing products liability litigation, liquour manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

Alcohol Warnings #2

Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub and bar regulars to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.
There is a drug around called "beer" and it is generally in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to.
Men often awaken after being given "beer" with only hazy memories of exactly what has happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

Please! Forward this to every male you know......

However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with a bunch of similarly-affected like-minded guys.
For the nearest support group near you just look up 'Bar' or 'Public House' in the yellow pages.

Halloween "Scary" Riddle Jokes

Have you seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he's back!

How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball?
He turns into a bat every night.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

What did mama cannibal said to baby cannibal when he told her that he really liked his grandfather?
"Would you like another piece?"

What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant?
He had two waiters and a busboy.

What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."

What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?
I'm bone to be wild.

What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream.

What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.

What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray.

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin.

What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and deady.

What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand witch.

What do you do with a green monster?
Wait until it ripens.

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.
A sour-puss.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.

What game do ghost like to play?
Peek-a-Boo.

What goes "Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!"
A monster laughing his head off

What instrument do skeletons play?
Trom-BONE.

What is a ghost's favorite desert?
Iced Screams.

What is a ghost's favorite oatmeal?
SCREAM of Wheat.

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving.

What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
His other fang.

What is Dracula's favorite kind of dog?
A blood hound.

What is the tallest building in Transylvania?
The Vampire State Building.

What kind of key opens a casket?
A skeleton key

 

[melody]

Halloween Party

A Black man and his wife are going to a Halloween party in a couple of
days, so the husband asks his wife to go to the store and get costumes
for them to wear.

When he comes home that night, he goes into the bedroom and finds, laid
out on the bed, a Superman costume.

The husband calls to his wife, "What are you doing, honey?" he says.
"Have you ever heard of a Black Superman? Can you take this back and get
me something else to wear?"

The next day, the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a
replacement. The husband comes home from work and goes into the bedroom.
There, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.

He yells to his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a
Black Batman? Take this shit back and get me something I can wear to the
costume party!"

The next morning, his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes
home again from work, he finds there, laid out on the bed, three items:
one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt,
and the third item is a 2X4 piece of wood.

The husband yells again to his wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells right back, "Take your clothes off. You can put these
three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't
like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as a an Oreo cookie.
And if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2X4 up your ass and go
as a fudgesicle."

@@@

On Halloween, this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden red hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an witch, and was just delightful. The woman said, "What are you supposed
to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says...


"Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little witch is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little witch looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says... "Thanks lady, you just boke my fu--in' cookies!"

Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men!

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.


10 Least Popular Halloween Candies

10. Bit-O-Squirrel
9. Poisonettes
8. Good n' Sweaty
7. Middlefinger
6. Della Reese's Pieces
5. Clam Duds
4. Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg
3. Gummy Marrow
2. Ken Starrburst
1. Osmond Joy


What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...

What did the Dracula say to his teacher?
See you next Period!

Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.

How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...


Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a
mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the
rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

 

[melody]

The Lone Ranger And Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto
wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asks Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears
to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,
it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then
buffalo shit. Someone has stolen tent."


A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk a long a country
lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, his lustful desire rises to a
peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't
mind but I really do need to take a piss."

Slightly taken a back by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind this
hedge. She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits,
he can hear the sound of tight nylon knickers rolling down voluptuous legs
and imagines what is being exposed.

Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches
through a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his
hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds
himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He
shouts in horror, "My God, Mary, have you changed your sex!"

"No," she replies, "I've changed my mind. I'm taking a shit instead."

24 Hours To Live

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has
told him he only has 24 hous to live.

Given the prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she
agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
"Honey, you know I only have 18 hours to live. Could we please do
it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later as Ralph
gets in to bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he only has 8
hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, " Honey, please...just one
more time before I die?"

She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns
until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...?

At this point his wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to
get up in the morning...You don't."


There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to no sexual feeling
Til a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling


"A sermon", thought Father O'Flynn,
"I should write 'bout The Evils Of Sin...
But my mind is a blank,
So I'll sit here and wank,
'Til some new inspirations begin."

His housekeeper, taken aback,
Cried, "Oh Father! It's sinful to wack!"
So she whipped off her scanties,
(Her bra and her panties)
And guided him into her crack.

"Lord Jesus!" cried Father O'Flynn,
"Inspiration at last to begin!"
As his housekeeper dribbled
He grabbed paper and scribbled
His sermon: 'The Pleasures Of Sin'.