JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Black Eyes

Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His workmates were understandably curious: "Jack, what happened to you?!?" "It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!"

"Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?"

"Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in..."

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked. "That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three." "What? How did that happen?" "I don't remember. I


Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

A gay guy walks into the doctors office. He takes off his clothes for examination. When he takes his clothes off the doctor sees a Nicoderm patch at the end of his penis. The doctor says... "Hmmm, that's interesting...Does it work?" The man answers.. "Sure does... I haven't had a butt in 3 weeks!"

Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. The time between when you cum and she leaves.

Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She's the one with the dirty knees!

Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A. Erection Sets.

Q. Where do fags park?
A. In the rear.

Love Poems

POEM 1
I like your style
I like your class
but most of all i like your ass

POEM 2
I'm a cool girl, in a cool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down

POEM 3
Kissing is a habit
Fucking is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
The guy says i love you
You believe its true
But when your tummy starts to swell,
He says 'to hell with you'
10 minutes of pleasure
9 months in pain
3 days in hospital
A baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This never wouldn't have happened
If the rubber wouldn't have torn

POEM 4
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.

POEM 5
Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.

POEM 6
Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.

POEM 7
Holy mother, full of grace Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him safe from all the girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Keep his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one i sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fucked
And if my Mom happened to walk in
Bless the shit I'd be in.

POEM 8
Sex is when a guys communication
enters a girls information
to increase the population
for a younger generation
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstration

POEM 9
Men are like public toilets
They are either engaged or full of shit!

POEM 10
If guys had periods
They would compare the size of their tampons!

POEM 11
Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN!

POEM 12
Roses are red,
Violets are corny,
When I think of you
Ohhh baby I get horny,
Eat me,
Beat me,
Bite me,
Blow me,
Suck me,
Fuck me,
Very slowly,
if you kiss me,
don't be sassy,
Use your tongue and make it nasty!

POEM 13
Roses are red, violets are blue...
I'm in love but not with you...
When we broke up you thought I cried
But all it was...
Was another guy,
You told your friends that I was a trick,
I told mine that you had a weak dick...
I said I loved you
And you thought it was true,
But guess what baby?!
You got played too!!

 

[melody]

To My Dear Wife/Husband

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said you weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

===

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Dick And Jane

After working together for a while, Dick and Jane's office romance
blossomed, and they really developed the 'hots' for each other. One
day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to
consummate their lust. Dick finds Jane very 'tight', and difficult to
'enter', but finally succeeds.

When they are finished, Dick says to her, "If I had known you were a
virgin, I would have taken more time!"

To which Jane replies "If I'd have known you had more time,
I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

@@@

Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum-sucking,
friggin assholes!

@@@

If you want a happy marriage, don't raise a stink about your
partner's passing of gas.

According to L.A.-based social psychologist Hank Stewart,
the happiest couples are those who don't make a stink with their partner flatulence.

It's not that the gas is good.
Stewart says couples that are pro-pooter are simply more at
ease with each other -- and that is good for any relationship.

She figures a woman who feels comfortable enough to burp and
blow wind in front of her sweetie is probably secure in the relationship
and won't ask, "Do you think I'm fat?" every two seconds.

And guys won't feel commitment-phobic if he can bust a butt buzzer
in front of a gal who responds, "Good one, honey."

This is why you should just go ahead and fart on the
first date. . . to see if its worth all the trouble.

 

[melody]

Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs

One day the seven dwarfs were coming home after a hard days work. As
they approach the house, they hear some sounds coming from the garden.
Their curiousity aroused, they stand on each others shoulders until
finally one of them can see over the garden wall. The dwarf at the top,
sees snowwhite and the prince sitting and talking in the garden. He says
to the dwarf who`s shoulder he is standing on, "Snow White is with the
Prince"
This in turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf, "Snow White is with the
Prince"
"Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is....." (and so on) until it has reached all the
dwarfs.
Then the dwarf at the top says:
"They`re Kissing"
Again the chain starts:
"They`re Kissing"
"They`re Kissing"
"They`re Kissing"
"They`re ......."
"He`s taking off her clothes"
"He`s taking off her clothes"
"He`s taking off her clothes"
"He`s taking off............"
"They`re both nude now"
"They`re both nude now"
"They`re both nude now"
"They`re both........."
"He`s about to enter her"
"He`s about to enter her"
"He`s about to enter her"
"He`s about to.........."
At this point Snow White hears a sound near the wall, and so she gets up
to investigate.
The dwarf at the top sees this and says: "She`s Coming"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"

@@@

Once upon a time, there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous movie actor. Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do push ups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lazed around doing nothing. One day, one of the sperm questioned Stanley and asked why he exercised all day.

Stanley explained, "Look pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant, and when the right time comes, I'm gonna be that one sperm!"

A few days later, all the sperm could feel themselves getting hotter and hotter. They knew the big swim was imminent. Moments later, they were released abruptly and, sure enough, Stanley was swimming far ahead of all the others.

Suddenly, Stanley stopped in his tracks, turned around, and began to swim back with all his might. "Go back! Go back!" he hollered, "It's a blow job!"

On A Country Farm

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three
sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the
window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying
dead in the field.
The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she
possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind,
she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as
the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he
shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his
parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and
drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting
on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your
despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will
restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but
after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the
mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up.
After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself
into the river.
The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me
ten times in a row, I will make everything right."
And while the son
tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid,
so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his
parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He
decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river
to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if
you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son
replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was
somewhat taken aback by this request.
Then he said, "Hell, why not
twenty-five times in a row?"
And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to
his request,
he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she
said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a
row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young
son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill
you like it did the cow?"

=====

That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord
because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a
neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add.
What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for
six months!"

=====

It had taken him several months, but the exec had finally persuaded his
new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him
to have sex with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when
the wayward husband finally arrived home. "Down at the office," he
replied, "working like a dog."

 

[melody]

http://img834.imageshack.us/img834/641/38472326039246734426124.jpg

A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving
west and the CB crackles to life ." Hey Roadway driver who's the two
biggest faggots in America?" comes from the CB. The Roadway driver
replies . "I don't know".
The other trucker says " You and your brother ".
Well the Roadway driver gets all pissed off but the other driver tells
him "Its just a joke tell it to the next truck you see." Well the
Roadway driver drives for about an hour an finally sees another truck
.he gets on the CB and says " Hey other truck do you know who the two
biggest fags in the world are?" The other trucker says " I don't know
who?"
The Roadway driver replies " Me and my brother"

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO


The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed
when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my
dick with aspirin."

 

[melody]

Yo mama's arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
Yo mama's afro is so big, when the bitch got in my car everyone thought I had tinted windows.
Yo mama is so dyslexic, when I told her to go get the Head and Shoulders, she jumped on my shoulders and gave me head.
Yo mama's ankles are so ashy, it looks like she's wearing socks.
Yo mama's breath is so stank, we don't know whether she needs gum or toilet paper.
Yo mama's breath is so stank, you can smell it over the phone.
Yo mama's breath is so stank, when she yawns her teeth duck.
Yo mama's breath is so stank, she eats odor eaters.
Yo mama's family is so ugly, people come to your house to see a freak show.
Yo mama's family is so ugly, her photo album has warning labels on it.
Yo mama's family is so ugly, when they sit down for dinner it looks like the bar room scene from Star Wars.
Yo mama's butt is so bony, she put her drawers on and cut them in two.
Yo mama's butt is so big, it looks like 2 pigs fighting over milk duds.
Yo mama's butt cheeks are so big, even Moses couldn't part them.
Yo mama's feet are so big and nasty, when she wants jam, she gets someone to run a loaf of bread between her toes.
Yo mama's feet so big, her sneakers need license plates.
Yo mama's ass is so big, its got more crack than Mayor Marion Barry.
Yo mama's ass is so big, she takes up 5 rows of seats in the theater.
Yo mama's ass is so big, she bent over and got arrested for selling crack.
Yo mama's forehead's so big, you could show slides on it.
Yo mama's mouth is so big, she speaks in surround sound.
Yo mama's gums are so black, she spits Chocolate Milk.
Yo mama's neck is so wrinkled, she can grate cheese on it.
Yo mama's gums are so black, she spits Yoo Hoo.
Yo mama's hair is so short, she don't get finger waves, she gets finger prints.
Yo mama's hair is unbeweavable.
Yo mama's hair is so nappy, it looks like an aerial view of the million man march. Look! There goes Farrakhan!
Yo mama's hair is so nappy, she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.
Yo mama's hair is so nappy, she uses a rake to comb it.
Yo mama's hair is nappier than a goats ass.
Yo mama's hair is so nappy, when she combs her hair her teeth bleed.
Yo mama's hair is so nappy, even Moses couldn't part it.
Yo mama's hair is so nappy, her comb had to get dentures.
Yo mama's head is so big, she has to go around the corner to change her mind.
Yo mama's hair has so much mousse in it, it could deflect bullets.
Yo mama's head is so big, she has to wash her hair at Niagara falls.
Yo mama's head is so big, it shows up on radar.
Yo mama's head is so big, when she tries to tie her shoes, the bitch flips over.
Yo mama's head is so big, she don't have dreams, she has movies.
Yo mama's head is so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
Yo mama's head is so little, she could wear fruit loops as head rags.
Yo mama's head is so small, she got her ear pierced and died.
Yo mama's head is so small, she uses a tea bag for a pillow.
Yo mama's hips are so big, people set their drinks on them.
Yo mama's legs are like Jif, easy to spread.
Yo mama's a blind bird-watcher.
Yo mama's legs are so hairy if she had fur coat & a banana they'd stick her back in the zoo.
Yo mama's legs are so white, they'd disintegrate Dracula.
Yo mama's lips are so big, that ChapStick had to invent a spray.
Yo mama's lips are so big, she uses Mop & Glow for lipstick.
Yo mama's lips are so big, when you smile you wet your hair.
Yo mama's lips are so big, when she smiles she gets ChapStick on her ears.
Yo mama is so horny, she puts a dollar over her head and says "All you can eat, under a dollar!"
Yo mama is so horny, she maintains a personal relationship with the Energizer bunny.
Yo mama's tits are so small, she had to tattoo "front" on her chest.
Yo mama's jaw is so strong, she can blow bubbles in Now-'N-Laters.

She Couldn't Be Satisfied

This is the story of a woman who couldn't be satisfied. Upon hearing this,
three guys decided to make a bet with each other as to which of them
*could* satisfy her. The winner would receive $500.

The first guy, a big, swaggering Texan, said "I'll satisfy her!" and walked
into the bedroom. A couple of hours later he staggered dizzily out of the
bedroom and gasped, "She wasn't satisfied!"

The second guy, a huge Zulu warrior, said "I'll satisfy her!" and walked
into the bedroom. Two days later he crawled out of the bedroom, bruised,
battered, exhausted and gasped "She wasn't satisfied!"

The third guy, a little Australian jockey, said "I'll satisfy her!" and
trotted
the bedroom. A minute later there was a great shriek of ecstasy from the
bedroom.

A couple of minutes later the jockey walked out of the bedroom with a big
smile...

The Texan and Zulu warrior looked at him in amazement and asked "What
happened?"

The jockey said, "She was satisfied!"

They asked him, "Whaaat? How...? What did you do?"

The jockey replied, "It was easy! I just stuck my head in, wiggled my ears
for a bit and spit!"

o0o0o0

Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed
Kevin where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day
plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much
in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
Joe recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.

"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother
was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making
love to her daughter?".....

"Baaaaaaa.....Baaaaaaa" said Joe.

 

[melody]

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was
reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says
to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female
achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out,
leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says,
"Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed,
it's hard to tell?"

ddddd

A faggot had just learned that his lover had died, and he went to the hospital to say
a last farewell.
As the doctor followed him to where they kept the corpse, the faggot said:
"Could I please take him home with me?"
"Why do you want to do that?"
"I want to cook him and eat him afterwards."
"That's disgusting, what on earth do you want to do that for?"
"I want to feel him glide out of me one last time..."

ddddd

"Doc, you gotta help me!" said this bloke to his doctor.
"I eat apples, and whole apples come out. I eat bananas,
and bananas come out!" what do I do?
"Simple." said the Doc. "Eat shit!"

ddddd

Two pro's were standing on the corner
when one suddenly turned to the other
and exclaimed, "I know this sounds
crazy, but I smell cock."
"Take it easy," her friend said calmly.
"I just burped."

ddddd

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me get a divorce.
The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.
My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
"What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?"
"No," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."

ddddd

There were these two guys lost in the desert. Both were starving and near death
when they came across a dead rabbit. One of them started to eat it and asked the
other guy if he wanted some. He refused because he was sure he'd get something
better, as the carcass was rotten. So, off they went in search of civilization, when
a while later the bloke who ate the rabbit began to vomit, to which the other guy said,
"See, I knew I'd get a hot meal sooner or later."

Things You'd Love To Say Out Loud At Work:

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it
my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're
saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the know-it-all fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. Congratulations, you have officially earned the Dumber than a Box
of Rocks Award.

22. You know the acronym behind your name won't keep me from kicking
your ass in the parking lot.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

 

[melody]

Signs She Is Bored In Bed:

20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."

19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

18. Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"

17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at
solitaire.

16. Only moans during commercial breaks.

15. Starts her fake orgasm during foreplay.

14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.

10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda,
Yadda,Yadda."

9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.

8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.

7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants
on too.

6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!!

4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

2. She yells out her own name.

1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.


A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side
on a plane.

The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll
from?"

The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use
a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied,
"So, where ya'll from, bitch?"

Wash Room

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men's room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"
...

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She
promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon pine
scented
deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator.He began
to
sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Well, yes I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like," she asked?

The bemused man answered, "I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like
someone shit under a Christmas tree."

...

Q. Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
A:. Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
Q: What do a bleached blonde and a 747 have in common?
A: They both have little Black Boxes.
Q: Why don't blondes water ski?
A: Because they lie down as soon as their crotches get wet.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: If you slap a mosquito, it'll stop sucking.

 

[melody]

A Thirteen Year Old Boy

A man notices his thirteen-year-old son has been walking around for a week with a hard-on in his pants, and figures the boy needs some relief. He gives the kid twenty dollars and says: "Take this to the whorehouse at the other end of town, and have some fun."
Well, the whorehouse is a good hour walk each way, but the boy returns in only 45 minutes. The father says: "where were you?"
"Well," says the boy, "when I walked by Grandma's house she asked where I was going and I told her. She said, 'why don't you just come in here instead, and I'll do you for free.' So that's what I did."
The father, outraged, screams: "Are you telling me you fucked my MOTHER?"
"What's the big deal," says the boy, "you fuck mine!"

*********

A girl goes to her doctor and as he's examining her, he says "those are terrible rug burns on your knees."
"Yeah, doc," she says, "it's from doing it doggy style."
"Don't you know any other sexual positions?"
"Sure, but my doggy don't."
*********
You know how your Mommy used to kiss you good night?
Think about it . . . she might have just finished giving Daddy a blow job . . .
Yo' mama's so fat that after I fucked her I rolled over twice and I was still on the bitch.

A blonde goes into a bar and orders a beer.
"Anheuser-Busch?" asks the bartender.
"Fine, thanks. And how's your cock?"

Q: What is a blonde's definition of a hijacker?
A: A handjob on an airplane.

Q: What do blonde's like so much about tilt steering wheels in cars?
A: More head room.

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Give me a triple Jack."
"What's the occasion?" the bartender asks.
"I just became the father of twins."
"Wow! I'll bet your wife is really excited!"
"She will be when she finds out."

Rules That Guys Wished Girls Knew

1) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.


2) Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.


3) Don't cut your hair. Ever.


4) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can
find the perfect present!


5) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.


6) Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.


7) Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.


8) Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every
other cat.


9) Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.


10) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.


11) Shopping is not sport.


12) Anything you wear is fine. Really.


13) You have enough clothes.


14) You have too many shoes.


15) Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.


16) Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's
way past idiot.


17) Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.


18) No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on
a calendar.


19) Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range.
We're bound to miss sometimes.


20) Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?


21) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.


22) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.


23) Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.


24) Foreign films are best left to foreigners.


25) Check your oil.


26) Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.


27) Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.


28) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.


29) Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments become null and void after 7 days.


30) If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.


31) If something we said can be interpreted makes you sad and angry, we
meant the other one.


32) Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty
you are?


33) Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.


34) You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done-but not both.


35) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.


36) Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.


37) Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.


38) Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.


39) Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes
you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading
the magazines.


40) The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we were going out.

---------- Post added at 06:15 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 12:15 PM ----------

Happy Thanksgiving!

Things I Can Only Say This Week At Thanksgiving And Get Away With It

1. Talk about a huge breast.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's cool whip time.
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat!
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
20. Man, that looks just like cranberry sauce.
21. Is that hole good and stuffed?
22. Should I wrap that for you?
23. I've done my part, now I just want to sleep.

 

[melody]

Old Folks

Morris a ninety-year old man lived in a retirement home and got a
weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and
ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy-year old woman at the other end
of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a
drink.
As the evening progressed, Morris, the old man joined the lady and they
went to her apartment, where they got it on.
Two days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and
he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the
doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.
The old man said, "Sure did!"
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she
lived.
"Yes,...but why?"
"Well you'd better get over there... you're about to cum."


A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left
her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses
bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a
window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a
while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten
her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to
tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more
brought
her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived
to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

Anal Troubles

An attractive lady is waiting in the emergency room. A doctor
walks in to her room and asks her "What is the problem ma'am?"
The lady replies,"Doctor, I have been having trouble with my
asshole, it hurts really bad."
The doctor tells the woman, "Why don't you lay on your stomach
so I can take a look at it, OK?" So, the woman turns over and
the doctor begins to examine her rear end. After a while, the
doctor asks the young lady, "Ma'am, have you had anal sex lately?"
The lady replies, "No, why?"
The doctor then says, "Would you like to?"


One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in a blonde's house.
She picked up the phone and a man asked, "Is this
555-1111?"
"No, this is 555-1112." She replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." The man said.
"That's alright," she said, "I had to get up to answer the phone
anyway."


"After 10 years of marriage sex with my wife is down to three times a year."
"Same here pal. " "As a matter of fact, if mine wouldn't sleep with her mouth open, I'd have none at all."
===
Q. Why does a dog lick his ass?
A. Because he knows that in five minutes, he'll be
licking your face.


Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next
day I stopped eating red meat..

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped
reading.

 

[melody]

French Foreign Legion

The new French Foreign Legion captain was assigned to a remote
post in the desert.

During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there.

"Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women, and sir, sometimes the men have... urges.

That's why we have the camel, sir."

The captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the captain starts having a real problem with his own urges, and asks the sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a stool behind the camel, the captain stands on it, pulls down his pants and has sex with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the sergeant replies.

"They usually just ride the camel into town."

878787

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached
a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."

878787

What's the difference between eating mashed potatoes and eating pussy?
~ Mashed potatoes doesn't make it's own gravy!
What's the definition of a vicious circle?
~ A pussy with teeth.
How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex?
~ She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.
Why do blondes wear tampons?
Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.

Crimes of Passion

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for
today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their
fellow inmates what crime they committed.

The first prisoner stands and says, "My name is Daniel and I'm in
for murder." Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the
back for admitting his wrongdoing.

The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for
armed robbery." Again, there is a round of approving looks.

This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands
up and says, "My name is Luke, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for."

The group leader says, "Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it
to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did."

"Ok then. I'm in for fucking dogs."

Everyone is disgusted!

They all shout, "Oh that's disgusting! How LOW can you go!?!"

"Chihuahuas, " Luke replies.


Paul pays a visit to a gorgeous young prostitute. After four hours of
exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

The prostitute regrets to see a good customer leave and asks, "Are you too
busy next week to pay me a visit?"

"No sweetie, that's not what I mean. Please turn around ... "


Kiss A Frog?

Princess Kelly is walking along the edge of a pond in the royal gardens
when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up,
she comments on the creatures hideous appearance, saying, "My but you
are a really ugly frog!"

The frog answers, "I know, I know, I've got a really bad spell on me."

Princess Kelly says, "Well, I've seen frogs with spells, but none as
ugly as you."

"Look, lady," says the frog, "I told you ... it's a REALLY bad spell."

"Well, even so," replies Princess Kelly, "if I kiss you will you turn
into a Prince?"

The frog answers, "I don't know, lady ... a spell this bad will
probably take a blow job!"

 

[melody]

Doc Rourke

Doc Rourke rented an apartment in New York, and went to the lobby
to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive
young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a
robe.
Doc smiled at the young girl and she struck up a conversation with
him. As they talked, her robe slipped open. It was quite obvious
that she had nothing on under the robe. Poor Doc broke into a sweat
trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her
hand on his arm and said, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone
coming..."
They proceeded into the apartment, and after she closed the door,
she leaned against it allowing her robe to fall completely open.She
purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Doc stammered, cleared his throat
several times, and finally squeaked out, "Oh, it's got to be your
ears!"
She was astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are
full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn't
sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars!
Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my
body?"
Clearing his throat once again, Doc stammered - "Outside when you
said you heard someone coming - THAT WAS ME!"

'''''

Q: What do you call a woman with a toothpick through her clit?
A: Olive.

Q: What did the male vampire say to his female teacher?
A: "See you next period."

Q: Why can't girls wear miniskirts in the winter?
A: Chapped lips.

Q: Did you hear about the one-legged girl who got raped?
A: She couldn't cross her legs to save her ass.

Q: How can you tell if a leper has been using your shower?
A: Your bar of soap has gotten bigger.

Q: What caused the leper go blind playing baseball?
A: He kept his eye on the ball.

Q: What does a woman have in common with a Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: When you're finished with the thigh and breast, you've still got a
greasy box to stick your bone in.

Q: What are the three reasons a bestialist prefers sheep over people?
1. They never have a headache.
2. They are always in the mood.
3. When you finish fucking them, you can eat them.


A surgeon came to see his patient on the morning after her operation.
The young blonde asked him, somewhat hesitantly, how long it would be before
she could resume her normally active sex life.
"I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first patient who's ever asked me that question after
a tonsillectomy!"
________

Morris was screwing his best friend's wife when he
suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed,
holding his head in his hands.

"What the hell is your problem?" the lady asked.

"I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my
best friend's pussy," the man moaned.

The lady reached over and patted him on the back.
"Well, if that's all it is, you can stop worrying,"
she said. You're not getting his pussy.
..."His pussy is three to four inches deeper."
________

A lad comes home from school and says "Dad, what’s a cunt", his Dad slaps him and tells him not to be so rude, the lad begs him as his mates are all taking the piss for not knowing.

Feeling sorry for him the dad looks down and says "Follow me son"

They walk into the bathroom where the wife is in the bath, "You see that black hairy thing in between your mothers legs son?"

"Well the rest of her’s a cunt"
________

My neighbours, the two 25 year old blonde lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a new Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
________

A lesbian goes to a nutritionist because she has indigestion.
The nutritionist says "It’s simple - you are what you eat".
so the lesbian turns to her and says...
"Are you calling me a cunt?"
________

A gynecologist examines a lesbian and remarked "Madam that is the cleanest vagina I have ever seen"

She replied "Thank you, I have a woman in twice a week !"

 

[melody]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING 'MARVELOUSLY MATURE'
WHEN.........

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your
socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop
and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license
picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the
patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out
before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your
mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be
reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more
time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts
longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with
Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the
parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection
from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't
work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and
they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay
there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't
feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that
you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body
starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you
don't even remember being on top of it.

High School Graduation

There was a young lad that was graduating from high school.
He couldn't get a date for the prom. His parents
suggested that he could take his sister.
She agreed to attend the prom with her brother. After the evening
ended they headed home in dad's new SUV.
As they were driving he looked at his sister and said
"If you weren't my sister, I'd pull over to the side of the road"
She replied "Just pretend I'm not your sister" After they parked, he
said "If you weren't my sister, I'd like to kiss you"
Again she replied "Just pretend I'm not your sister" So he gave her a
big tongue kiss! Wow, "Damn if you weren't my sister
I'd like to fuck you" Again she replied "Pretend I'm not your sister"
As the story goes, they fucked and had many delightful orgasms together.
When they finished she remarked
"Damn your dick is almost as big as dad's" to which he replied "
Yep, that's what mom tells me!"

*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~»

Two elderly ladies were out driving in a large car.
Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along
they came to an intersection. The stop light was red, but they just
... went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be loosing it,
I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and
another red light, and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost positive the
light had been red. .... She was getting nervous and decided to
pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection
to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough,
the light was definitely red, no mistake, and they went right through.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know
we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have got
us killed!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving ...?"

 

[melody]

High School Reunion

An old man decides to go to his high school's 50 year reunion. He hasn't
seen anyone since their 25 year reunion and is very interested to see
who might show up. When he gets there he runs into his old high school
sweetheart. They sit down at a table and talk about the past 25 years.
"How have you been?" he says. "just fine, just fine" She replies.
"Although I do have some good news and bad news for you." "Bad news
first please" "Well, I had to have a hysterectomy a few years back."
"Oh, that's terrible" He says "What's the good news?" "She says "The
doctor found your old high school ring you thought lost."

|||||

Why won't blondes eat pickles?
Because they're afraid they'll get their heads stuckin the jar.

Happiness is defined as opening your refrigerator to find your
mother-in-law's picture on the milk carton.

Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?
A: Walnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on a chest?
A: Chestnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on a chin?
A: Blowjob

|||||

A man and his lady were in bed one night when he got the urge and
farted loudly.
"What was that"? she asked. "That was a touchdown" he explained.
Later that night she felt extremely bloated and loudly relieved herself!
"What in the heck was that "? he demanded.
... " If your's was a touchdown, mine was a touchdown" she replied.
Not much later, the man blasted again and shit all over the sheets.
" What in the hell was that she demanded!!!!!
"Half time" he said!! "Change sides"!!!

Mom, I'm Gay

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.

He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay... doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

ddddd

No matter how good it was, no matter to what heights
of ecstasy you may have been transported, no matter how
much you love her, and no matter how grateful you may
be, NEVER, EVER, after a blow job, say to your
partner, "Thanks, cocksucker!"

ddddd

A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them." "How does that make them bigger?", she asks. "I don't know, but it certainly worked for your ass."

ddddd

The little boy asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replied, "The stork brings them."
The boy, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the storks?

ddddd

One day a boy asks his dad, "What's the difference between a pussy and
a cunt?"
Dad thought for a minute and said "Come with me." He took his son to
his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping nude.
"Son" he whispered, "see that brown soft furry patch?
That is a pussy".
The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?"
"No!" replied his father. "That might wake the cunt up".

 

[melody]

Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10 Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - Not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says, "I love you," like sex.

yyyyy

Q: What do a bleached blonde and a 747 have in common?
A: They both have little Black Boxes.
Q: Why don't blondes water ski?
A: Because they lie down as soon as their crotches get wet.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: If you slap a mosquito, it'll stop sucking.
Q: What do you call a bleached blonde standing on her head?
A: A brunette with bad breath!
Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes?
A: Because they go and answer the fucking door.

Male Bashing

Q: Why did God create man?
A: She didn't. Her husband did.

Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A: A candlelit football stadium.

Q: What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them!

Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?
A: A man's undivided attention.

Q: Why are men's pee yellow and sperm white?
A: So they can tell if they are coming or going.

Q: Why do men have a hole in the end of their penis?
A: So they can get some air to their brains.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: How are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.

Q: Why did God make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay? A: They don't have time.

Q: Why do women keep their eyes closed when they're being screwed?
A: Because they can't stand to see a man have a good time!

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower?
A: Lawnmowers don't complain after they cut the yard.

Q: How do you keep a man from attacking you?
A: Throw him the remote control.

Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer.

Q: Why do men do odd jobs around the house?
A: If they do it, it's odd!

Q: Why did God make women so stupid?
A: Someone had to like men!

Q: Why did God put men on Earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!

Q: What does PMS stand for?
A: Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity.

Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
A: Whistle through its pecker!

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in!

Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay!

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.

Q: What did God say when he made man?
A: I can do better than that!

Q: Why do men like masturbation?
A: It's sex with someone they love.

Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.

Q: How many men does it take to put the seat down?
A: Nobody knows. It hasn't happened yet.


Q: Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus? It turns your Hard drive into a 3 1/2" floppy!

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

 

[melody]

Railroad Tracks

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well I'll tell you," replies the ugly bloke, "you know I
live by the
railway. Well, on my way home last night I noticed
a young woman tied
to the tracks, like in the movies. Of course,
I went and cut her free and
took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a
long story short, I scored
big time. We made love all night, all over the house.
We did everything,
sometimes me on top, sometimes her on top."
"Fantastic," exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod.
Was she pretty?"
"I don't know, I never found her head."

JKL

Q. What did the lesbian bumper sticker say?
A. "Save a tree. Eat a beaver."

Q. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur Traders

Q. What's a queers favorite dish in a Chinese restaurant?
A. Cream of Sum Yung Guy.

Q. Did you hear about the queer termite?
A. He went for the woodpecker.

Q. Two gays and two lesbians are all fleeing the country.
Which pair is going to make it out first?
A. The two gays... they already have their shit packed.

Q. What's the definition of "hell on earth?"
A. A blind lesbian in a fish store.

JKL

THE REAL MEANING OF ABC

A IS FOR ASS UPON WHICH YOU SIT, THE HOLE IN THE
BOTTOM THROUGH WHICH YOU SHIT.

B IS FOR BALLS EACH MAN HAS A PAIR A WRINKED
OLD BAG ALL COVERED WITH HAIR.

C IS FOR CUNT ALL JUICEY AND THICK, IT IS HOME
SWEET HOME TO A SEVEN INCH PRICK.

JKL

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, and dirty Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

JKL

A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my
load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!"
To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in
your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"

Bulls And Cows

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows
and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local
beer hall.

One of them said, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my
bull, but I got it fixed really quick."

"How did you get it fixed?" asked Ben.

"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over
the bull's nose and he got right after her."

Ben went home to the farm and decided to try it. He grabbed a cow,
dipped his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all around the
bull's nose.

The bull got a rip roaring boner and immediately jumped on the cow.

Ben was impressed. That night, he got into bed with his wife and can't
get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lay sleeping, Ben
dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it was nice and
wet, rubbed it all around his nose and got a rip roaring hard on.

He quickly shook his wife awake and cried out, "Honey, look!"

She rolled over, turned on the light and said, "You mean you woke me up
in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

{{{{{


There Once was a man From Nantucket

Whose c*ck was so long he could suck it

He said with a grin

While wiping his chin

If my ear were a c*nt I would f*ck it


There once was a man from Kansas,

Who's nuts were made out of brass

In stormy weather,

he'd clack them together

and lightning shot out of his ass

 

[melody]

Stressed Out

An office manager saw one of his employees sitting behind his desk
totally stressed out. He gave him this advice; "I was stressed out like
you once. I cured it this way. I went home at lunch for two weeks and
had my wife give me a blowjob. It was fantastic and it really helped,
you should try it too!"

Two weeks later the manager saw his formerly stressed employee and he is
happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes were piling up and the
computer was running at full speed.

"I see you followed my advice?" questioned the manager.

"I sure did," answered the employee, "You were right, it was great! I'm
a lot less stressed out, and I get more work done now. By the way, you
have a beautiful house!"

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*

Jane, Shelia and Karen all had boyfriends with the same name. In order
to keep from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends
nicknames.

Jane said, "I'm going to call my man 7-up."

Sheila asked," Why are you going to call him that?"

"Because he's seven inches long and he's always up," Jane replied.

Karen said," I'm going to call my man Mountain Dew."

Sheila asked," Why Mountain Dew?"

Karen answered, "Because he likes to Mount and Do me."

Karen and Jane looked at Sheila and asked, "What are you going to call
your man?"

"I'm going to call my man Jack Daniels," answered Sheila.

Jane asked," Why would you call your man that, Jack Daniels is a Hard
Liquor!"

Sheila said, "Exactly."

Paleface

A paleface went to the local Indian reservation where he met the chief.

"How's about letting me have one of your women for a little while?"
asked the paleface.

The chief responded, "How much money do you have?"

"I don't have any money but I have this bag of corn," said the paleface.

"A bag of corn huh," replied the chief.

The chief thought for a moment then agreed to the deal. "Take that woman
there into my teepee," he said.

So the paleface took the woman into the teepee where she took all her
clothes off and laid down on her stomach. The paleface saw this and
said, "No, you have to turn over onto your back."

The Indian woman replied by turning over pointing at her pussy saying,
"This money hole." Then turning over onto her stomach, pointing to her
ass saying, "This corn hole."

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^

Little Johnny is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch
shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk
behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing,
unzips his pants, flops his cock out and places it on the counter.

"What are you doing, Sir?" she asks. "This is a clock shop!!"

Little Johnny replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face
put on this!"

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^

Little Johnny is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch
shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk
behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing,
unzips his pants, flops his cock out and places it on the counter.

"What are you doing, Sir?" she asks. "This is a clock shop!!"

Little Johnny replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face
put on this!"

 

[melody]

What I like about Anal Sex...

1** It's 2 degrees warmer
2** There's 7 more mmmmmmmoving muscles mmmmm
3** Seeing the whites of her eyes if it's her first time
4** Mistaking the dencorub for the Ky...when you've got a condom on
YeeeeeeHa!
5** being able to spank her & make her push back as her scissor muscle
massages your knob
6** You can put your hand up her cunt, grab your cock inside her & beat off
7** If you give her a custard enema you can fantasise she's been gang-raped
8** The butt plug you made her wear lets you slide in easy
9** Being able to brandish a piece of shit the size of a tennis ball on the
end of my dick
10** Cumming in her mouth after you pull out of her ass makes you blow harder
11** It's easier to fake orgasm...Pull out & spit all over her back!
12** You are in a better position to feel her woolly back (only applicable
to NZ, Aussies, Greeks, The Welsh, and certain perverse yet sophisticated
animal husbandry & wivery experts in Illinois)
13** You don't have to look at her face if she's ugly.
14** It disgusts her mother more quickly(Almost as much as her stench,
attitude & wrinkles disgust the footy team!)
15** It hurts her fathers ass. (That dencorub again! But the Footyteam &
their condoms are fine)
16** When she screams "It hurts" You reply "Oh i hurts me too baby!" as you
dig your dick deeper in
18** With Glycerin suppositories you can almost get your balls in too! (And
covered in clear goo!)
19** With explosive diarrhoea you can easily get your dick & balls out!
(Without chunks?....Wear a stocking over your dick & balls. Simply peeled
off & there is a nice proud member dripping with rancid bowel juice with NO
CHUNKS. Perfect to shove into your girlfriends mouth just prior to telling
her you want to break up. heheheheheheheheheheheheeeeeeee!
20** It loosens them up for fisting
21** It's important to have an icebreaker at employment interviews.
22** It's one way to get a rung up the ladder from Clinton (as reported to
date)
23** The only thing she will give birth to is a big brown baby laced with
thick white goo and push marks
24** If I take her muzzle off she fluffs up my pillow with her teeth while I
sodomise her
25** If she says she feels buggered...It's because she really has been!

"Is It Because I'm Blonde?"

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl
said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes,
it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank
top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

yuyuyu

A road repair crew was working on street outside a convent. The crew
was typical with their rough language. The Mother Superior called the
supervisor of the crew inside and lodged a complaint about the language
being used. The supervisor said, 'Well Mother the crew is plain spoken
and will call a spade a spade'. Mother Superior said, 'In this case they
are calling it a fucking shovel'.

 

[melody]

Failing Eyesight

A young women visited her eye doctor complaining of failing
eyesight.
The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart. Doctor: "Can
you read the bottom line?" Girl: "No." "Can you read the center
line?"
"No." "Can you read the large top line" "No."Can you even see the
chart?" "No." The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his penis
out of his pants. "Can you see this?" "Of course!" "Well, there's
your problem - you're cock-eyed!"

NNNNN

A slutty girl is flirting with 2 guys in a chat room. The first guy
asks, "What state are you from?" While at the same time the second
guy asks, "What do you do for a living?" To satisfy them both, She
replies, "Idaho."

NNNNN

Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.

Q: What do a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: They both have a wet noses.
Q: What do you call a tampon used by Nazis?
A: A Twatstika.
Q: Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A: They're going to call her Old Spice.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: Why do so many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Q: Why haven't any women astronauts even been sent to the Moon?
A: Because the Moon doesn't need cleaning.

NNNNN

"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," reports Sadie to her
friend Sophie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant,
has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends."
"Oh, my daughter's a whore too."

Missed Her Period!

A fourteen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that
she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that
did this to you? I want to know!!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later
a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and
distinguished man, with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a
very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits
in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and
tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family
situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will
bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of
factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a
factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:

"You'll fuck her again!!!"


A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there.
He replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it."

The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it
out I'll have a look for you."

The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his
underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor
says, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it."

To which the man replies, "I know, it's a fucking beauty, eh?!"


Thorn is getting tested for AIDS... the nurse comes back with a stern
look...
she sits down and takes Thorns hand... "Sir, I am really sorry, but you
tested positive. You need treatment."

Thorn gets up and yells "Damnit! That bitch! You can't trust anybody any
more. My own fucking daughter!"

 

[melody]

Indian Chief

One day a big Indian Chief goes to his local Pharmasave. He goes
up to the clerk and says "Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go
oomph right nut go oompf, dick go oomph, condom go BOOM!"

Now the clerk was quite impressed by this sexual feat so he grabs
some Trojans for professionals and tells the chief to come back
and tell him how they worked.

The next day the big Chief comes back to the Pharmasave, goes
right up to the clerk and gruffly says "Last night me fuck squaw,
left nut go oomph, right nut go oompf, dick go oomph, condom go
BOOM!"

The clerk thinks to himself "Damn, this guy has super ejaculation
going on" so he goes into the back of the store and gets a
prototype condom for the Chief. The description on the box read:
This is a joint effort between Goodyear and Michelin. This condom
is steel belted and should only be used in extreme circumstances.

The clerk hands the condom to the Chief and tells him this, and
to come back and tell him how it worked.

The next day the chief comes back on crutches with a shotgun
under his arm. He storms up to the clerk. The clerk is thinking
"Oh Shit! The condom must not have worked and he's real pissed."

The chief yells "LAST NIGHT ME FUCK SQUAW!! LEFT NUT GO
OOMPH!!!!....RIGHT NUT GO OOMPH!!! ..... DICK GO OOMPH!!.....
CONDOM GO OOMPH!!!!......... LEFT NUT GO BOOM!!!"
__________

A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building got the
ultimate revenge when he was called for the umpteenth time
to fix a tenant's clogged toilet.

Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to
be giving a fancy dinner party for other tenants in the building,
the super had to endure her telling all the assembled guests
that he was a complete incompetent idiot.

Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom door to
watch his clumsiness. He didn't say anything, but merely
concentrated on fixing the toilet, while she kept on
complaining about the bad service. So busy was she
complaining, that no one noticed when the super reached
quietly into his tool bag.

A minute later, he held something up triumphantly and told
her and the assembled guests, "I've found what was clogging
your toilet!"

All the guests broke into shocked laughter, and the woman
turned a, bright beet red.

The super was holding up a large yellow banana with a red
condom wrapped around it.

The woman never complained again.

Punk Rocker

A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk
rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a
mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was
scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it
was a tattoo reading, "Keep off the grass."

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to
the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

@@@@@

Why are men like lawn mowers?
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

How is an ex-husband like an inflamed Appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you
found out you didn't need it anyway.

How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?!

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."

@@@@@

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young
Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor
dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you
talk about your father like that!"

@@@@@

One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and
say that he found a frog.

The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.

The student said it was dead.

The teacher asked how he knew.

The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."

The teacher said, "You what?"

He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it
didn't move, so it must be dead.

 

[melody]

Snow Whites Mission

Ever wonder how the seven dwarfs got their names?

Miss Snow White was a randy cow,
And desperate for a fuck.
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck!

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke.
Then stumbled on a cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven Dwarfs came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven!
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My cunt now needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop you prick!"

So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that!"
"Not there, that me ass-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL!
Unless you're fucking queer!"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho"
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling,
'Cos he hadn't had a sniff.
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY idiot",
So he did as he was told.
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow
And she took him in quite easy.
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner had he entered her,
Than he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY idiot"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her cunt raw.
And dazed Snow White then whimpered,
"That should be against the law!"

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big dick."

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My cunt can't take no more.!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had put their cocks.
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last one DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's what happened to that cup?
Well think of what you're drinking...
When you next buy 7-UP

Hung over Signs

* You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina
than be exposed to sunlight.
* Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue
to tell your room to "Stay still."
* Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same
reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
* You're convinced that the chirping birds are Satan's pets.
* You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time
with your toilet.
* You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the
more feasible praying in a fetal position.
* The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting,
"Step right up and give it whirl!"
* All day long your motto is, "Never again."
* You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles
around your bed.
* Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"


A mortician was working late one night. It was his
job to examine the dead bodies before they were
sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who
was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he
had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But
I can't send you off to be cremated with a
tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be
saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to
remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase
and took it home. The first person he showed
was his wife. "I have something to show you
that you won't believe," he said, and opened
his briefcase.

"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"