JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Application To Go On The Jerry Springer Show

http://img442.imageshack.us/img442/5649/springer7328573.gif

Wanker.


Last name: ________________


First name: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Billy-Bob

(_) Billy-Joe

(_) Billy-Ray

(_) Billy-Sue

(_) Billy-Mae

(_) Billy-Jack


What does everyone call you?

(_) Booger

(_) Bubba

(_) Junior

(_) Sissy

(_) Other___________________


Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) _____ Not sure


Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right


Occupation: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Farmer

(_) Mechanic

(_) Hair Dresser

(_) Unemployed

(_) Dirty Politician

(_) Preacher


Spouse's Name:_________________________


2nd Spouse's Name:______________________


3rd Spouse's Name:______________________


Lover's Name:___________________________


Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Sister

(_) Brother

(_) Aunt

(_) Uncle

(_) Cousin

(_) Mother

(_) Father

(_) Son

(_) Daughter

(_) Pet


Number of children living in household: _____


Number of children living in shed: ______


Number that are yours: ______


Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)


Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)


Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)


Total number of vehicles you own: ___


Number of vehicles that still crank: ___


Number of vehicles in front yard: ___


Number of vehicles in back yard: ___


Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___


Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck

____ bedroom

____ bathroom

____ kitchen

____ shed


Model and year of your pickup: 196_


Do you have a gun rack?

If no, please explain:


Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_) The National Enquirer

(_) The Globe

(_) TV Guide

(_) Soap Opera Digest

(_) Rifle and Shotgun


Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____


Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____


Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____


How often do you bathe:

(_) Weekly

(_) Monthly

(_) Not Applicable


Colour of eyes:

Right_____ left_____


Colour of hair:

(_) Blond

(_) Black

(_) Red

(_) Brown

(_) White

(_) Clairol


Colour of teeth:

(_) Yellow

(_) Brownish-Yellow

(_) Brown

(_) Black

(_) N/A


Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_)Red-Man


How far is your home from a paved road?

(_) 1 mile

(_) 2 miles

(_) Just a whoop-and-a-holler

(_) road?

ORAL SEX - AN ODE TO LOVE
#2

Penis breath, a lover's dread,
Is what you get when you give head.
Unpleasant as it tends to be,
Be grateful that he doesn't pee.

It's times like this, you wonder why,
You bothered reaching for his fly.
But it's too late, can't be a tease,
Accept the facts, get on your knees.

You know you've got a job to do,
So open wide and shove it through,
Lick the tip then take it all.
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl,

Slide up and down, use your tongue.
And feel the precum start to run,
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb,
So when the fuck's he gonna cum.

Just, when you can't take anymore,
You hear your lover's mighty roar.
And when he hits that real high note,
You feel it oozing down your throat.

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff,
Okay already, that's enough.
Let's switch you say, before you gag,
And what revenge, you're on the rag.

*******

Two girls were walking down the sidewalk on a hot summer day.
They come upon this old lady sitting on steps in front of her house
eating watermelon.

They notice that she wasn't wearing any panties. So they ask her if its
cooler without wearing any panties.

She said, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off
the watermelon."

 

[melody]

Many Types Of Orgasms

Sex in a boat = oar-gasms
Sex with a nerd = dork-gasms
Sex with a dermatologist = pore-gasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = door-gasms
Sex on carpet or linoleum = floor-gasms
Sex at the supermarket = store-gasms
Sex with a prostitute = whore-gasms
Sex with an accountant = bore-gasms
Sex while sleeping = snore-gasms
Sex with a salesmen = door-to-doorgasms
Sex with a virgin = my-hymen-got-torgasms
Sex while broke = poor-gasms
Sex that wasn’t very satisfying = ‘There’s the door’-gasms
Sex with a lion = roar-gasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = sore-gasms
Sex on a golf course = fore-gasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = more-gasms
Sex in a gold mine = ore-gasms
Sex on the beach = shore-gasms
Sex in Asia = Singapore-gasms
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can = odor-gasms
Sex on the way to the train = ‘All Aboard’-gasms
Sex with someone who’s not paying attention = ignore-gasms
Sex with a competitive partner = score-gasms
Sex while flying = soar-gasms
Sex while travelling = tour-gasms
Sex on stairs at the mall = escalator-gasms
Sex with three of your friends = four-gasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = liquor-gasms
Sex during hay fever season = spore-gasms
Sex on farm implements = tractor-gasms
Sex without a climax = no-gasms

=========

A woman had a pet skunk which was a devoted pet to her for years.
One day the skunk died. The woman didn't know what to do at first,
as she lived in an apartment and she had no place in the yard to
bury her pet.
So she decided to give the pet a proper burial out in the country.
She didn't have a car, so she planned on taking a bus to the edge of
town, then walking from there to some good site.

She got on the bus and sat down behind the driver. About this time,
the skunk wasn't keeping too well, so the woman held the skunk at
arm's length. The driver noticed the smell right away, but he kept
on driving for several blocks. He next opened the window, but that
didn't help.

Finally, he pulled the bus to the curb, and turned around, and said:
"Will the woman with the stinking pussy please get off the bus?"

14 women got off.

Female Slogans

1. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

2. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

3. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later

4. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

6. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

7. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

8. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

9. Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

10. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

11. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

12. I hate everybody, and you're next.

13. Please don't make me kill you.

14. And your point is...

15. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

16. All stressed out and no one to choke.

17. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

18. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

19. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

20. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

21. You KNOW you want me.

22. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.

23. You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?

24. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

25. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

26. I'm out of oestrogens and I have a gun.

99999

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate
men everywhere? "'Hold my purse.'"

99999

A plane was about to crash, so the stewardess stood up and said,
Is there any man, man enough to make me feel like a woman!"
A guy stood up and took off his shirt and said,
Here, iron this!"

99999

What has a woman got in common with a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Once you get past the tender breast and the juicy thigh, all
you're left with is a greasy box.

 

[melody]

When You're Bored At Walmart

Dear Mrs. Hancock,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

MEMO Re: Mr. Hancock- Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Hancock has done while his wife is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR ' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks,” Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

*****

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

 

[melody]

Who To Marry

There once was a man who had three girlfriends, and he couldn’t decide which one to marry. He decided to give five thousand dollars to each woman to see what she would do with it.

The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive new hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure. She said, I spent the money so that I would look pretty for you because I love you so much.

The second woman bought a VCR, a CD player, a set of golf clubs, and a tennis racket and gave them to the man. I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you, she told him.

The third woman invested the money in the stock market and within a short time had doubled her investment. She returned the initial five thousand dollars to the man and reinvested the profit. I'm investing in our future because I love you so much, she said.

The man carefully considered how each woman had spent the money, and married the woman with the biggest tits.

Flip Flops and Dildo

After Christmas Tom and Harry were at work talking about what they bought their wives for Christmas.

Tom says "I got my wife a 3 carat diamond ring and a brand new BMW".

Harry asked "if you got her a 3 carat diamond ring then why did you get a BMW".

"So if she didn't like the ring I knew that she would like the BMW" said Tom, "well what did you get your wife?"

Harry replies "well I got her a pair of flip flops and a dildo".

Tom laughs and askes "why did you get her a dildo?"

"Well so if she didn't like the flip flops she could go screw herself"


Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the verandah of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa Rabinowitz rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, "Fuck you!"

Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, "Fuck you too!"

Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts, "Fuck you!" swinging more forward again.

Grandma remains graceful but leans forward and says, "Fuck you again."

This goes on. Finally Grandpa says, "You know something, Grandma, this oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be."


Hung Chow calls in to work and says. "Hey boss, I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today, when I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house!"

"Ma, I Got Married"

A beautiful young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."

Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."

She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."

Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."

She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your
wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury
for the rest of your lives."

Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my
Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass. Day
and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got
married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a
silver dollar."

Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

zxz

What the diffrent between eating pussy and mash potatos?
Pussy makes its own gravy.

zxz

The thought for the day:
Some people are like Slinkies Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a
flight of stairs!

zxz

"My, but you look different today, Jill." commented
Ingrid to her co-worker. "Your hair is extra curly,
and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use --
special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up?"
"No!" replied Jill. "My damn vibrator shorted out this morning."

zxz

Mary: Yeah, he was nice enough, but the real reason I
dated him for so long was RBD.
Jill: RBD?
Mary: Yeah, Really Big Dick.

 

[melody]

The Huge Bullfrog

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a
pet. After looking around she realized that all the
pets there were very expensive.

A clerk came up and
asked if there's something he could help her with.
"I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours
are so expensive!" She says.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the
back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50.00?? For a Frog??" said the woman.

The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It's gives BJs."

So, the woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it
home to her boyfriend, explains the frog and they're
both happy. The woman goes to bed.

Around two in the morning she is awakened by pots
and pans banging around in the kitchen. She gets up
to go see what's going on and when she gets to the
kitchen she sees her boyfriend and the frog sitting at
the kitchen table looking through cookbooks.

"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks
at this hour?" says the woman.

The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach
this frog to cook, your butt is out of here!!!"

---------

An out-of-towner becomes friendly with Thelma, the waitress in his
hotel coffee shop, and invites her up to his room.

She is indignant.

The guy says, "Don't get excited. This is all in the Bible."

Thelma is appeased, and after her shift they go out and have a few
drinks. Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is
angry.

The man explains, "It's in the Bible."

An hour later they're in the guy's hotel room and he suggests they
undress and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn't sinful
since it's in the Bible.

"Where?" she says. "Where does it say that?"

Taking the Bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front
cover where someone has written, "Thelma the waitress is a great
lay."

Female Slogans

1. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
2. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later
4. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
6. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
7. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
8. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
9. Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
10. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
11. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
12. I hate everybody, and you're next.
13. Please don't make me kill you.
14. And your point is...
15. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
16. All stressed out and no one to choke.
17. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
18. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
19. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

20. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

21. You KNOW you want me.

22. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.

23. You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?

24. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

25. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

26. I'm out of oestrogens and I have a gun.

99999

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate
men everywhere? "'Hold my purse.'"

99999

A plane was about to crash, so the stewardess stood up and said,
Is there any man, man enough to make me feel like a woman!"
A guy stood up and took off his shirt and said,
Here, iron this!"

99999

What has a woman got in common with a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Once you get past the tender breast and the juicy thigh, all
you're left with is a greasy box.

 

[melody]

Foul Language

TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources
SUBJECT: Foul Language
DATE: February 28, 2000

It has been brought to management's attention that individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during
the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due
to complaints received from employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able
to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided
so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner, without risk the of offending
our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Farts In The Classroom

Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher
gets really upset and throws him out he goes and sits
outside the class and can't stop laughing.
The principle walks by and sees him sitting outside
laughing. He says, "Little Johnny what are you doing
sitting here laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher
threw me out"
The principle says, "Well then why are you laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "Cause the dumb idiots are sitting
in the class smelling my fart and they put me outside
in this beautiful weather"

vvvvv

Same question

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the
waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in
intensity to the waves of passion nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to
whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"

Her tone, upon answering, was slightly more than irritable.

"Of course you are!" she said. "and also the best too.
don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous
questions."

vvvvv

Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an
irritating cunt once in a while too.

Alcohol Kills Slowly So What ? ~ Who's In A Hurry ?

What's the real meaning of the word lesbian???
Just another woman trying to do a man's job.

 

[melody]

Legs In The Air

One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked, "Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day when Susie’s dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, "Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner."

IIIII

A guy was fucking his girlfriend in a park by the side of the road when a cop car pulled up.
"Just what the hell do you think your doing?" asked the cop.
The guy looked up at the cop and said, "I'm fucking my girlfriend!"
"Great!" said the cop, "I'm next!"
"Sounds good to me," replied the guy, "I have never fucked a cop before!"

IIIII

One woman says to another, "I can't understand why you haven't gone
to see that new gynecologist yet!"

"My gynecologist is fine. I don't need to change."

"But the new one's so young and handsome, while your gynecologist is
so old!"

The other woman replies with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands
shake all the time!"

IIIII

Two Swedish housemaids are having their pictures taken.

The first one asks, "Why is he lookin' at us like that?"

The second replies, "He's got to focus."
"Oh no," says the first one, "you tell him he has to take the
picture first."

IIIII

Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A. Toys for Twats

Hickory Dickory dock
Some slut was suckin my cock
Her hair got tangled
The bitch was strangled
But at least she swallowed the lot!!!!

Gentleman Quiz

Want to know if you're, or someone you know is a gentleman?

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

@@@

heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.
~~~~~
Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass

 

[melody]

Urinal Challenge

Take the first annual, Choose-A-Urinal Challenge! Men should ace this test (or suffer the wrath of men everywhere)... women are on their own. But, there IS a code of the rest room that MUST be followed. The, following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room. An X above the number will indicate "in use."

(Sample)
___________________________
|___ |____|_X__|___|__ |X |
|__ 1_|__2_|_3_|_4_|_5__|_6_|

Indicates men are at stalls 3 and 6.

_______________________________________________________

Easy Section

1. Urinals 2 and 4 are occupied.
___________________________
|___|__X|___ |_X |___|__ |
|_1_|_2_ |_3_ |_4_|_5 |_6 |

Enter your choice here: __


The correct answer is 6. It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.

_____________________________________________________

2. Urinal 1 is occupied.
___________________________
|_ X_|___|___|___|____|__ |
|__1_|_2 |_3_|_4_|_5__|_6 |

Enter your choice here: __


The correct answer is 6. Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later.
_______________________________________________________

Kind of Tricky Section

3. No urinals are occupied.
___________________________
|___ |____|___|___|____|__ |
|__ 1_|__2_|_3_|_4_|_5__|_6_|

Enter your choice here: __

The correct answer is 1 or 6. By choosing one of these, you are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me."

____________________________________________________________

4. Urinals 2, 4 and 6 are occupied.
___________________________
|___ |__X |___|_X_|___|_X_|
|__ 1_|__2_|_3_|_4_|_5_ |_6_|

Enter your choice here: __

The correct answer is 1. You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium rest rooms where the herd thunders in.
_______________________________________________________

Subtle, Tricky, but Important to Know Section

5. Urinals 2, 5 and 6 are occupied.

___________________________
|___ |__X_|___|___|_X_|_X |
|__ 1_|__2_ |_3_|_4_|_5_ |_6_|

Enter your choice here: __

The correct answer is 4. Believe it or not, 1 or 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice it to say, only we men would understand!
_______________________________________________________

VERY Tricky Indeed Section

6. Urinals 1, 2, 5 and 6 are occupied.

___________________________
|__X |_ X_|___|___|_X_|_X |
|__1_|__2_|_3_|_4_|_5_ |_6_|

Enter your choice here: __

The answer is NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for God's sake, man, use a stall with a door!
_______________________________________________________

Other Parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:

NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.

I don't think I need to tell you, but absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is the highest offense.

NO Singing. Period.

Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again."

Who'd have thought SO much goes into a seemingly simple process?

THE WORD FUCK!
( I just love this one )

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).

It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck"..

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings: How the fuck are ya?
2. Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
3. Resignation: Oh, fuck it!
4. Trouble: I guess I'm fucked now.
5. Aggression: Fuck you!
6. Disgust: Fuck me.
7. Confusion: What the fuck.......?
8. Difficulty: I don't understand this fucking business!
9. Despair: Fucked again...
10. Pleasure: I fucking couldn't be happier.
11. Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here?
12. Lost: Where the fuck are we.
13. Disbelief: Unfuckingbeliveable!
14. Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial: I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity: I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy: Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?
18. Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
19. Panic: Let's get the fuck out of here.
20. Directions: Fuck off.
21. Disbelief: How the fuck did you do that?


It can be used in an anatomical description- He's a fucking asshole.
It can be used to tell time- It's five fucking thirty.
It can be used in business- How did I wind up with this fucking job?
It can be maternal- Motherfucker.
It can be political- Fuck George Bush!


It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

What the fuck was that?
-Mayor of Hiroshima

Where did all these fucking Indians come from?
-General Custer

Where the fuck is all this water coming from?
-Captain of the Titanic

That's not a real fucking gun.
-John Len

Who's gonna fucking find out?
-Richard Nixon

Heads are going to fucking roll.
-Anne Boleyn

Let the fucking woman drive.
-Commander of Space Shuttle

What fucking map?
-Challenger, Mark Thatcher

Any fucking idiot could understand that.
-Albert Einstein

It does so fucking look like her!
-Picasso

How the fuck did you work that out?
-Pythagoras

-You want what on the fucking ceiling?
Michaelangelo

Fuck a duck.
-Walt Disney

Why?- Because its fucking there!
-Edmund Hilary

I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?
-Joan of Arc

Scattered fucking showers my ass.
-Noah

I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.
-John F. Kennedy-

 

[melody]

FACTS FROM A MALE VIEWPOINT

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

Why does a bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and the fridge.

Whats the difference between premenstrual tension and BSE?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

Why did God create women?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

What is the definition of 'making love'?
Something a woman does while a guy is f***ing her.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
Internet, telephone, telawoman.

Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years, the job still sucks.

What's the definition of love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Dictionary Of Obscure Sexual Terms

Hummer
The well known added variation to a blowjob in which a broad hums her favorite tune while she sucks away. The vibrations felt against your dick will most definitely produce a healthy orgasm.

The Hunter Gatherer
You and your partner defecate while 69ing. Pretty much self-explanatory.

The Indian Cock Burn
While a chick sucks you off, she twists her hand around your shaft as if she was trying to give you an Indian burn.

The Jedi Mind Trick
When banging your partner, you repeatedly shout "I'm NOT fucking you, I'm NOT fucking you".

The Jelly Donut
Give some skank a facial and follow it up with a swift pimp crack in the nose. The resulting blood and jizz that covers her face bears a resemblance to a jelly donut.

The Juanita Special Bean Dip
While your tramp rides you like a mechanical bull, insert your thumb into her poop chute (be sure to get your thumb nice and gooey), then stick your brown thumb into her mouth, and slip it under her tongue so she can get the full robust taste of the Juanita "special" bean dip.

Kennebunkport Surprise
The act of covertly filling your cheeks with chunky-style New England clam chowder, and screaming in disgust as you hurl it between your partners legs while eating her out.

Kick-Fucking
The act of receiving sexual pleasure from repeatedly getting kicked in the ass.

The Landshark
The woman braces herself facing a wall, naked, hands against the wall, legs spread, bent over so that her ass is lusciously jutting out. (hint: She might want to wear a biking helmet and some rollerblading wrist guards to avoid serious injury.) Next, the guy also naked as well as stiff cocked, walks to the opposite end of the room, places his palms together and raises them above his head, (thus imitating the dorsal fin of a shark) and begins chanting the theme to Jaws. When given some predetermined signal, the guy sprints toward the girl at full speed with his pelvis-out, fin protruding, and rams her dead square in the ass.

The Lorena Bobbit
Obviously, this one is for the ladies. When engaging in some hard core booty sex, squeeze your butt cheeks together as tight as you can, and start violently jumping and thrashing your ass around, in an effort to rip his dick off. (To reach true Lorena status, you must take the severed dick for a drive and then toss it out the window.)

The Menthol
The act of getting head from a woman who just moments earlier ate a numerous amounts of cough drops, thus insuring a pleasurable, tingly feeling on your cock.

The Mellon Dive
Headbutting a woman's big fat titties. Always lots of fun.

Monkey Wrench
When some sadistic bitch takes your dick back between your legs and sucks you off.

 

[melody]

Pregnant Women

Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having
lunch, when one of them says, "I know that I'm going
to have a boy."

The other two women think about that for a moment, and
then one of them says, "OK, how do you know you're
going to have a boy?"

"Well, when the child was conceived," says the first
women, "I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the
second woman says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl."

"OK," says the first one, "how do you know you're
going to have a girl?"

"Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom.
So I'm going to have a girl."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third
woman obviously getting more and more distressed,
until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing?

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" the first two women ask
with concern.

The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough
to only say one thing.... "I'm going to have a puppy!"

========

This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, "I want to get
screwed."
The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door.
The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says, "I really want
to get screwed, bad!"
A very sexy voice replies "Just slide $20 under the door."
So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits...
Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out "I want
to get screwed!"
The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.
His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that
can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will
diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only
costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar
with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the
computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The
computer started making some noise and various lights started
flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on
which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm
water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife
and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He
went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the
sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual
noise and printed out the following
message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has
worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in
a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They
aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better."

00000

I once met a beautiful Persian
A shy one who needed coercion
So I gave her a smile
And she thought for a while
Then allowed me to make an insertion.

There was a young spaceman from Venus
Who had a prodigious penis
Cried his girlfriend alas
It just came out my ass
And there's still 15 inches between us.

There once was a girl called Heather
Whose fanny was lined with leather
She attracted the boys
By making a noise
Flapping the edges together!!

 

[melody]

REASONS FOR DIVORCE

A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife
because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger
without asking for permission."

A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his
wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to
the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at
7 o'clock on Channel 2."

A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina filed for divorce
because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."

A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he
forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his
girlfriend's house."

A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds
that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate

aaaaa

An overweight man was waiting in line at a bank. There were two
teenage boys in line behind him.

They were giggling and making fun of how fat the man was. After
five minutes of this the man turned to the boys and asked them
politely to stop, as he couldn't help his weight problem.

With this the boys asked, "Oh, and why are you so fat Mister?"

The Man turned around and replied: "Well, every time I screwed your
mother, she gave me a cookie."

aaaaa

There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood
The question's not woody but could he?

Bad Day

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided
to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in
order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of
a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at
noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates
of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly
said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me
how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor
apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked.
She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him.
My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out
onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging
off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well,
I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until
he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed
in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't
die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back
inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to
throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of
was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto
the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted
stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was
so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment.

Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion.
So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said,
"Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your
day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going
to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor
apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot
of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my
stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to
catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.

But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of
his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at
the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move,
and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his
REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls
the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes
his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks
to himself.

"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom
of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The
angel says, "Please tell me how you died."

The third man says,"OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding
inside a refrigerator...."

 

[melody]

The Best Crap Of Your Life

We all enjoy a good satisfying shit. But did you know that you can transform a regular shit into a fantastic shit? Just follow our simple eight step guide to the perfect crap! Follow along as we take you into a new chapter in your life…

1. Timing - The right timing makes all the difference… Don’t be so eager that you sit disappointed as you struggle to pinch a loaf; and at the same time don’t wait until you’re touching cloth to drop an atomic. Let your instincts guide you.

2. Attire - Multiple layers of difficult to manage clothes will complicate your shit. Ol’ skool pajama’s with a back-end trap door can keep you warm during longer bombing sessions; but are fashionably impractical in today’s modern world.

3. Bathroom - A tranquil and familiar environment provides for the most pleasant ass blasts. Public restrooms in bus terminals, small town airports, donut stores and gas stations should be avoided at all costs. Home is where the shit goes down, if you have more than one bathroom, choose the one your wife didn’t decorate with cat grass and piss soaked fluffy toilet seat covers.

4. The Toilet - Just like the seat in your car or chair in your office, comfort is important when pushing out turd nuggets. The right height, seat width and elongation can prevent shitter’s sleepy legs on those longer strenuous sessions. This may require the purchase and installation of a new toilet, as many stock toilets builders use in today’s homes are inadequate for the needs of crap masters.

5. Reading Material - There is nothing better than taking a gigantic shit of biblical proportions while going through the entire weekend edition of the local newspaper. The toilet can also make a great place for reading magazines, instruction manuals for your new flat screen HDTV and other books you’ve been meaning to catch up on.

6. Ventilation - Suffocation on your own excrement fumes is an awful way to die. Skimping on cheap ventilation fans and pathetic little post card sized windows is your one way ticket to the morgue my good friend. Make sure the fan is variable speed so you can lower the fan speed while taking a regular dump to maintain the ambiance; and pump the fan up for when you’re squirting liquid shit from your asshole and you need to constantly exhaust large volumes of air for your survival.

7. Toilet Paper - Quantity and quality are everything. Don’t ruin a perfectly good crap by ending it off with cheap, shitty toilet paper. Softness is the difference between wiping your brown eye with sand paper or satin. Quality is the difference between “I just got shit stank on my hand” single layer toilet paper and “I could clean up nuclear waste and survive” triple layer toilet paper.

8. Deodorizing - When your bowl has been full of E. coli swill for however long it took for you to blast your ass, the bathroom may require detoxification in order for other humans to survive use of the room for hours or even days afterward. Choose something less floral bouquet and more industrial solvent level, we’re dealing with toxins of ungodly power here.

Responses to Pick Up Lines

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.

Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.

Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you.....to leave.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing.

Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
____

The night was almost gone,
As I opened my eyes with a yawn.
I was quite amazed
With her thighs on my face,
I was seeing the crack of Dawn.

 

[melody]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....
I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire
room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser,
I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me
a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone ! asks "Has the bus
come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass?


One day an 80 year old man went to the chemist and asked for some viagra. "That's no problem," said the pharmacist, "how many do you want?
"Just a few," replied the old man, "but could you cut each one into four pieces please."
"That won't do you much good," said the chemist.
The old man looked at him sadly and said, "I am 80 years old, I am not interested in sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my feet!"


How do you make paper dolls?
Fuck an old bag!

What did the turd say to the arsehole?
"I don't ever want to go through that again!"

What's the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob!

25 Signs That You Are Online Too Much...

1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
4. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can order pizza.
5. You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.
6. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
7. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.
8. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word "i" should be capitalized.
9. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.
10. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
11. You stop speaking in full sentences.
12. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
13. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
14. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
15. You double click your TV remote.
16. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.
17. You dream in "text".
18. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
19. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.
20. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
21. You type faster than you think.
22. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
23 . When someone asks, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
24. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
25. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it



A faggot hadn't had any sex for quite some time.

One night, he happened to run into a wino just outside of a gay bar.

He said to him,

"Look, I do not know you, and you don't know me, but if I can
have sex with you, I'll give you fifty bucks!"

The wino considered this proposition and said,

"Well---okay. But you ought to be forewarned that I have crabs."

"That's all right," said the faggot...
"I love seafood!!

 

[melody]

JoHN 's Wife

About six months ago, John's wife died an untimely death. He loved his
wife and had been married to her for almost 23 years. One day, John was
feeling his oats as well as a little sorry for himself. "It's been so long
since I got any," lamented John. "I'm a pretty healthy guy and I'm use to
getting a lot of sex," he said. "But now that my wife is dead, I haven't had sex
in over six months!" So, he got a crazy idea. "I will just dig up the
wife and see what's going on," he thought to himself. So, he did. When he got
her out of the ground, he saw that she was only a little flaky around the
edges, so he decided to do her like a jackrabbit. Well, pretty soon, he noticed
that she was just lying there like a fish and was all cold and clammy. John remarked: "Wow, she hasn't changed a bit!"

@@@@@

A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some
weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. His
grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?" "Can you touch your
asshole with your penis?" he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then
you're not big enough." A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our
of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have
some of your beer?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says.
"No,"
says the little boy. "Then you're not old enough." Time passes and
they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his
lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at
him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?" "Can
you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy. "I most
certainly can!" says the grandfather. "Then go fuck yourself," says the boy,
"These are my cookies!"

@@@@@

For a lark this strip joint has a contest, for the smelliest cunt
contest.
So this Fat disgusting chick shows up with her husband. She's so fat
and lazy she has to be assisted by her husband to the cunt stand. She
blows the doors out of this place because her cunt is so smelly. She wins hands
down.
Her brave husband had stuck with her and accepted the check for
winning the contest. The management couldn't help but ask, how do you stand the
smell.
He says, "well when she first died two weeks ago, it was pretty bad,
but you get used to it."

World's Biggest Pussy

A guy goes to see this hooker who is said to have the world's biggest
pussy. He starts fucking her but she's WAY too big and he's getting
no satisfaction, so he slides his whole body inside her and tries
to get off, but he falls in. He's groping around in the dark and he
lights his lighter and starts walking around. After a while he
drops the lighter by accident and starts crawling around looking for
it. He bumps into another guy. "Hey" he says, "You're lost in
here too, eh? Listen, if we can find my lighter, we can walk out
of here." "Hell," says the other guy, "If we find my car we can
*drive* out of here!"

=========
Q. What's the difference between revenge and sweet revenge?
A. Rooting your enemy's wife and finding out she's a lousy lay.
Q. Why is it good to have a wife?
A. Because sooner or later something will go wrong that you
can't blame on the government.
Q. What's black and white and tells the pope to get stuffed?
A. A nun with six winning lotto numbers.

=======
A chick turns up to this fancy dress party completely naked and knocks on
the door. The guy who answers the door says, "You can't come in here,
you're not in fancy dress." She says, "Yes I am, I've come as a
carpenter." So he lets her in and says, "Hey guys, this chick reckons
she's dressed as a carpenter!"
"Prove it!", they all say.
So she puts one leg up on the table and says, "Have you ever seen a box
full of sores like this one?"

 

[melody]

Little Known Sexual Facts

(**) Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any group of mammals that exist- especially fruit bats.

(**) Lions will have sex about 500 times with one mate. This is to
ensure fertilization.

(**) In Texas it is illegal to have sex with a fish, in Florida it is
illegal to get a fish drunk, and N. Carolina thought both laws were good
so there it is illegal to have sex with a drunk fish.

(**) Dolphins and humans are the only known animals that have sex for
pleasure.

(**) The bonobo monkeys use sex (and/or sexual favors) to placate
members of their social group instead of grooming. They are one of the
few species of animals (humans being another) that have sex out of
season and for fun.

(**) Sperm Whales are sexually mature at birth.

(**) In Argentina, it is rumored that eating cats is good for your
health and stimulates sexual potency.

(**) You can tell a turtle's sex by its sound. Males grunt, females
hiss.

(**) Human birth control pills work on gorillas.

(**) The eagle has sex while going up to 60 mph. in flight, and it is
common for both eagles to hit the ground before they finish.

(**) Apart from humans, certain species of chimpanzee are the only
animals to experiment sexually. They have been known to 'wife swap' and
indulge in group sex.

(**) According to Dr. David Gems, a British geneticist, sex-craved male
mice, who spend 5 to 11 hours per day pursuing female mice, could live
years longer if they abstained.

(**) In the past 60 years, the groundhog has only predicted the weather
correctly 28% of the time. The rushing back and forth from burrows is
believed to indicate sexual activity, not shadow seeking.

(**) A certain musical note can sexually excite cats -- the same note
when played for kittens makes them want to go to the bathroom.

(**) If disconnected, the sex organs (or gonads) of an armadillo are
still active.

(**) The ten-inch Banana Slugs of the Northwest end their 30 hour
hermaphroditic mating session by chewing off each other's male sex
organs.

(**) Mosquitoes perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds.

(**) The largest living animal, the blue whale, naturally enough also
has the largest penis, measuring approximately 10 feet long and 1 foot
in diameter. It's cousin, the sperm whale, gets as big as 9 feet. And
yes, the sperm whale is so named because early sailors thought those
gallons of white, gooey oil found in its head was indeed sperm.

(**) Long a symbol of sexual potency, the rhinoceros can ejaculate ten
times or more during his half hour session with a female. They also have
penises that are 2 feet long.

(**) Though barnacles can't move, they still mate via an extraordinarily
long penis (150% their body length) that reaches over and into the
female's mantle cavity.

(**) Female chimpanzees have been observed masturbating with their
fingers, twigs and a water faucet.

(**) A drone honeybee will wait his whole life for one chance to mate
with a queen. As soon as the queen opens her sting chamber to receive
him, he explodes, his genitals bursting forth like a detonating grenade.
Plugged, the queen flies away, leaving the drone to fall to the ground dead and eviscerated, albeit with a smile on his face.

(**) Fleas are known to engage in sex immediately after feasting on
rabbit's blood specifically if the opportunity presents itself.

(**) Gorilla penises are only a third of that of an average man's.

(**) Humans aren't the only female animals that can experience orgasm;
some rabbits and ferrets do as well.

(**) A whale's penis is called a dork, which incidentally, is where we
get the derogatory slang.

(**) Porpoises have been known to engage in group sex.

(**) Pigs do indeed have a corkscrew-shaped penis. When engaged in sex,
the male's penis will make semi-rotary actions until it becomes firmly
secured in the folds of the female's cervix at which point the male
ejaculates, a process which in itself takes as long as 30 minutes.

(**) Female baboons have been known to engage in a primitive form of
prostitution by stealing food during sex.

(**) The average mink sexual encounter lasts for several hours (how do
you think they get their coats so shiny?)

(**) 22.75 hours is the current record for the longest rattlesnake
mating session.

(**) The female bedbug is born without any external sex organs. So the
male bedbug has to drill his pointed penis to drill a hole into her
partner's gut and deposit his sperm into her bloodstream. During long
spells without access to human blood, the female's been known to dine on
her male partner's semen.

(**) Capuchin monkeys usually say hello by showing each other their
erections.

(**) Perhaps the originator of the "quickie," a baboon engages in a
typical sex session that lasts all of 15 seconds.

 

[melody]

Q. What's the best thing about eating cherry pie, but the worst thing about eating hair pie?
A. The crust.

Q. Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
A. He did okay until his business fell off.

Q. What's green, covered in crumbs, and lies on the side of the road?
A. A dead Girl Scout .

Q: What's green, smells bad and has 12 tits?
A: A garbage bag at a breast cancer clinic.

Q. How do you make a cat go "woof?"
A. Douse it in gasoline, light a match, and "woooof!"

Q. How do you make a dog go "meow?"
A. Put it in a deep freeze for 5 days, take it out, put a circular saw to it: "meeeeeeoooowwwww."

Q. What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A pit bull on a playground.

Q. What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?
A. Getting her out of the wheelchair!

Q. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A. Because women don`t get blow jobs while they`re driving.

Q. How can you tell if you have a bad overbite?
A. You eat pussy and it tastes like shit.

Q. Hear about Kentucky-Freud Chicken?
A. It's mother-fucking good!

Q. How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Silly, sorority girls don't screw in light bulbs -- they screw in pools of vomit!

Q: What does a man with a ten-inch dick have for breakfast?
A: "Well, this morning I had bacon, eggs, juice."

Q. What's the difference between a child molester and a pimple?
A. A pimple doesn't come on your face until you're at least fifteen.

Q. Why do women have such a hard time peeing in the morning?
A. Ever try to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q. What's the main difference between fucking a regular woman and fucking a woman with no arms?
A. When you fuck a woman with no arms and it pops out, you're the one who has to put it back in.

Q. How do you re-fit an old whore?
A. Shove a five pound ham up her pussy and pull out the bone.

Q. What should you do if your epileptic grandma is having a seizure in the bathtub?
A. Throw in some Tide and a load of dirty clothes.

Q. What's the difference between mono and herpes?
A. You get mono when you snatch a kiss.

Q. Why do women have legs?
A. So they don't leave snail trails.

Q: What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
A: Vomit.

 

[melody]

Bashful College Boy

A certain virginal and shy college freshman was lucky to have a roommate
who was considerably more experienced. When the bashful boy broke down
and explained his predicament, his roommate was quick to offer to set
him up with a blonde who'd made the rounds of the campus.

Just take this bimbo out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take
its course, he explained reassuringly. This girl knows what the score
is, and she's even a natural blonde.

The roommate arranged the date as promised. The freshman was delighted
by his cute, outgoing companion and they spent the evening dining and
dancing. On the way home he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in
a cold sweat, and blurted out, "Gosh, I sure would love to have a little
pussy."

"I would too," sighed the blonde, "Mine's the size of a goddamn milk
pail."

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

A woman of very loose nature soon got fed up with men as they were not
big enough. She progressed to ponies and then horses.

But she soon outgrew them and her quest for a large male member took her
to Africa where she sought a bull elephant in the mating season.

She finally selected one and went down on all fours for him.

She felt him enter her and cried out "Oooh, wonderful, what a tight
fit!"

"I should hope so!" bellowed the elephant. "I'm sticking in my front
leg."

 

[melody]

Love Poems

POEM 1
I like your style
I like your class
but most of all i like your ass

POEM 2
I'm a cool girl, in a cool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down

POEM 3
Kissing is a habit
Fucking is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
The guy says i love you
You believe its true
But when your tummy starts to swell,
He says 'to hell with you'
10 minutes of pleasure
9 months in pain
3 days in hospital
A baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This never wouldn't have happened
If the rubber wouldn't have torn

POEM 4
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.

POEM 5
Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.

POEM 6
Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.

POEM 7
Holy mother, full of grace Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him safe from all the girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Keep his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one i sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fucked
And if my Mom happened to walk in
Bless the shit I'd be in.


POEM 8
Sex is when a guys communication
enters a girls information
to increase the population
for a younger generation
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstration

POEM 9
Men are like public toilets
They are either engaged or full of shit!

POEM 10
If guys had they periods
They would compare the size of their tampons!

POEM 11
Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN!

 

[melody]

The Wishing Well

On their twentieth wedding anniversary a couple took a trip across
country. While driving near Niagra Falls, they came upon a sign that
said, "Wishing Well - Next Left."
Though somewhat dubious, the husband and wife took the next left and
pulled over beside an old stone well. Getting out, the man read the
instructions and, leaning over the well, threw in a penny and made a
wish. Then his wife did likewise. However, when she leaned over she
lost her balance, tumbled into the well and drowned.
Stepping back, the man remarked, "Hey, it really works!"

====================

This guy goes for a shit and it just keeps going. He's
shitting for 3 hours straight. It just won't stop. He's
constantly flushing the toilet. Finally he gets to the point
where, he actually shits his brains right out. He has no
brains at this point. He's finally done, he wipes his arse and
for the first time in his life he puts the seat down.

====================

"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says.
"What seems to be the problem?"
"My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?"
"Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?"
"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've
got to help me!"
"Er ... Why don't you take a lover?"
"I have! I still don't get enough."
"Take another lover."
"I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!"
"Gosh, that's an anomaly."
"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me
I'm a whore!"

 

[melody]

Cool One Liners

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said,
"In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have
two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!

What's the best date to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your balls don't get grass-stained.

Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"

I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?



HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.

Bar Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar
on her own. After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and
make small talk. She accepted.

"What's your name?" he asked her.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?"

"Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen."

"Why did you do that?" he asked.

"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got
my name. What's your name?"

"Beerpussy," the man replied.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry.
The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble, Sweetie?"
She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?"
Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says:
"Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Another guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a
Budweiser."

So the bartender gets him a Bud. The man is enjoying his beer when he
notices two beautiful blondes at the end of the bar. The man, noticing
that his beer glass is empty says, "Hey bartender, another Bud, and get
those ladies at the end of the bar a drink on me."

The bartender gives the man his Bud, and says, "Don't bother getting
those girls a drink; it won't do you any good. You're just wasting your
time."

The man says, "Naaa. Give 'em one on me."

So the bartender pours the girls a drink and gives em to the blondes.
The girls, out of respect, raise their glasses to the man, and take a
drink. The man now figures he's in. So he walks over to the girls. He
notices that their glasses are empty again, so he yells, "Hey,
bartender! How about another round over here?"

The two girls look up at him and one says, "It won't do you any good.
You're just wasting your time."

The man, puzzled, says, "The bartender said the same thing. What the
hell does that mean I'm just wasting my time?"

The other blonde says, "Well we're lesbians; we love to eat pussy!"

The man gets a huge smile on his face and yells to the bartender, "Hey
bartender! Three beers for us lesbians!"