JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Ole And Lena

Ole and Lena are 69ing when Ole says,
"Leena did you know there is 117,000 musk-ox in
Alaska?".

Lena says, "No, I didn't, Gee, you¹re smart".

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are
482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No I didn't. Gee, you¹re smart.

Ole says, "and Lena did you know there is over
2,000,000 caribou living in Alaska?"

"No", says Lena, "how did you get so smart?"
Sort of wondering how this conversation came
about in the middle of their sex play.

Ole says, "Remember last winter when we ran out
of toilet paper and we had to use the pages out
of magazines?"

"Yes, I remember", says Lena.

Ole says, "Well you still have page 63 of the
National Geographic stuck to your ass."
***
Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back
streets of Rome late one afternoon. As it turns dusk, the
increasing darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous.
She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come
this way before." The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."
***
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blow job
***
What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
Not everybody has been in a limo.
***
What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
***
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
***
A teacher asks an redneck girl to use "handsome" in a sentence. She
says, "When I'm suckin' dick and my jaw gets sore I use my handsome
time."
***
The penis-enlarging pills my boyfriend bought online must be
working. At this point, he's a bigger dick than he was a few months
ago.
***
As the turd said to the arsehole, "I don't ever want to go through
that again!"
***
A juggling cat named Pierre
Liked to walk with his tail in the air.
When the girl cats passed by
They said, "My, oh my--
What a nice set of balls you have there!"

Native Americans

When the new school year started the history teacher
Was thrilled because there were three little Native American
Boys in her class. She was beside herself with excitement.

So she asks the first little Native American boy to
Stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and
How he knows this.

The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest
And takes his fist and hits it on his chest.
He says in a booming voice, "I am a Cherokee.
My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father
Says son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land.
So, I know I am a Cherokee."

The teacher says very good and asks the next little Native American boy
To stand. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest,
Takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice,

"I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day
My Father says son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land.
So,I know I am a Comanche."

The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last
Little Native American boy to stand up. The little boy stands up and
Proudly throws out his chest, takes his fist and hits it on his chest.

He says in a booming voice, "I am a Fuckawee."

The teacher looks dumb founded. She says,
"I don't think there is any such tribe as the Fuckawee."

The little boy says, "My Father and I walked for many days and many
Nights, and many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we
Kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day
My Father stops and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes,
Looks around and he said

'Hmm, where the Fuckawee?' "

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

A man named Gerry asked his doctor if there was a
test to help him determine if he was gay. The Doctor
said, "Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants."

Gerry pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his
testicles and told him to "say 55."

Gerry said "55." The doctor then grabbed Gerry's
penis and told him to "say 55."

Gerry said "55."

The doctor then told Gerry to turn around, and putting
a finger in Gerry's anus he once again told him to "say 55."
.......... Gerry said "1...2...3..."

 

[melody]

Sacred Place

The young lady at the confessional said, "Father, put it in my
pussy!"

"No, child, the vulva is the sacred place whereby you deliver
another child of God," replied the Priest.

"Oh, Father, put it in my mouth then!" begged the young woman.

"No, child, the mouth is the sacred place whereby you eat the sacred
Host," said the Priest "So put it under my armpit!" asked the young
lady.

"No, child, the armpit is the sacred place where you carry the Holy
Bible," replied the Priest.

"OK, Father, then just take it out of my ass cause it hurts!"

xxxxx

There once was a man name Homer
Who had a kidney stone stuck in his boner.
He did scream and shout
When they yanked that sucker out.
And his piss shot all the way to Tacoma!

An Abbot Running Errands

The abbot of a nearby abbey was out in the city running errands
downtown when he saw a woman of questionable character say to a
passerby,

"Twenty bucks for a blowjob," at which point the passerby and the
woman promptly went down the next alley, where they went out of
view.

The abbot was perplexed, for the very same thing occurred at
another street corner in the city. He was walking down a
sidewalk, when another woman, much the same as the first, stated
to another passerby, "Twenty bucks for a blowjob," at which point
the two rapidly went into a nearby alley, where the abbot
couldn't see what was going on.

Still not knowing what a "blowjob" was, the abbot left the city
as naive as he was upon entering it. Back up the hill, the abbot
was still contemplating what a blowjob was, so he went to see the
mother superior at the adjacent convent.

"Mother superior," he asked, "what's a blowjob?"

"Twenty bucks, same as downtown!"

==========

Being a gardener I turned up at a house to do some work. When the door opened a beautiful young woman smiled, said hello and explained that her bush needed a little trim, she said I could take my tools round the back and to give it a good fork too. But first she wanted me to take a look at her little flower she had upstairs. As I followed her up the stairs I could see she was wearing no knickers and she had a lovely little pussy with a tight ass. She pulled me into the bedroom and bent over the bed and said "Can you repot my flower, it's needed doing for a long time?"
So I picked up her orchid (which was bone dry!!) and took it downstairs to give it a good watering before I repotted it. Some people can't even look after a simple orchid, fucking retards.

==========

Q: How do most men define marriage?
A: An expensive way to get their laundry done for free.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in boiling water?
A: Stu.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs holding down a
railroad tie?
A: Spike.

Q: What do you call a cat with no arms and no legs?
A: Dog food.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a forest fire?
A: Bernie.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs stuck in a quarry?
A: Rocky.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

 

[melody]

Three Daughters

There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every
night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all
right. One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming
from his youngest daughter's room. He stood there for a while and thought
about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow,
instead of bothering her at this time of the night. When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. He thought about this too, but
ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued. There were no sounds at
all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied.
The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said
to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past
your window.
Why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was
making me happy..."
He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night,
why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was
making me hurt..."
He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from
you..."
She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth
full..."

@@@

A boy walks up to his dad and ask him "Dad what is that thing
between a girls legs that has hair on it?"

His dad said, "Well son that is called a vagina."

His son thought about that for a minute and then ask, "OK then, what
is that little thing that looks like a really small penis in a woman's
vagina?"

"Well they call that a clitoris son," said the father.

"OK dad, just one more question... What is that really smooth peice
of skin that is below a woman's vagina?"

The boys dad thinks about this for a minute and says, "Well son, I
don't know the medical term for it but I just call it a chin rest."

An Irish Mother's Letter

Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this slowly because I know that you can't read very fast.
You won't know the house when you come home. We've moved.
About your father, he has got a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He cuts grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle.
I went to the doctors on Thursday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
Your uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of Irish whiskey at the Dublin brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took 3 days to put the fire out.
It only rained twice this week, first for 3 days and then for 4 days. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in 7 days, up she comes.
Your loving Mother,
P.S. I was going to send you 5 pounds, but I have already sealed the envelope.


The inexperienced young Bob was smitten with Sue who was sitting
beside him in his parked car. Looking at her in the light of the
full moon, he gently placed his hand on her knee and said, "Sue....
I think I love you."
With a knowing smile, she put her hand on his and said, "Higher
Bob."

Clearing his throat, Bob said, "Sue.... I think I love you!" in a
cracked falsetto.


There was a young harlot of Crete
Whose fucking was far, far too fleet.
So they tied down her ass
With a long ton of brass
To give them a much longer treat.

When the Nazis landed in Crete
The young harlot had to compete
With the many Storm Troopers
Who were using their poopers
For other things than to excrete.

Our subversive young harlot of Crete
Was led to fifth-column deceit.
When the paratroops landed
Her trade she expanded
By at once going down on their meat.

Then here was this harlot of Crete
She decided to be very neat.
She said, "I'm too high class
To ream common ass,
And I'll wash every prick that I eat."

And at last this young harlot of Crete
Was hawking her meat in the street.
Ambling out one fine day
In a casual way
She clapped up the whole British fleet.

 

[melody]

More Words You Do Not Want To Hear During Sex

* "You feel almost as good as my wife."

* "You know, your mother is so much better!"

* "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"

* "Oh my God!!! 3.5 seconds, a new record"!!!!!!

* "Do you mind? I'm trying to watch TV."

* "Darling, don't you think that the ceiling needs painting?"

* "Oh Janet!" . And your name is Carol
* "Will you please hurry up there is a really good movie coming on
in one minute."

* "Is it hurting? I can't even feel it."

"* Is it in yet?"

* "Do you think your sister would like to join us?"

* "Finished! I didn't think you started yet."

* "But you said you would be through by the time the commercial was
over."
______________________________

I met this fine lady on the Cape
Who had a wee bit to much grape
And thought sex might just be fine
Til she took the measure of mine
An was left with her mouth agape
______________________________

Rum & ice will ruin your liver.
Whiskey & ice will ruin your heart.
Gin & ice will ruin your brain.
Pepsi & ice will ruin your teeth.
Apparently ice is lethal!!!
Beer is OK , no ice!

Warn all your friends:... Lay off the ice ~ Just drink it straight!

(Don't forget it also sank the Titanic)!

Cannibals

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and
came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow
cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
looked over the menu....

+ Tourist: $8.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+Fried Explorer: $12.50
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean
one? They're so full of crap, it takes all day."

000000000

A good ole boy walks up to a good ole girl and says "Howdy. How you
like to come up to my place and have a little fun?" "Well, I've
heard about you good ole boys. Where exactly are you from?" "I'm
from Kentucky, way up in the hills." "Oh, I've heard about you guys
from Kentucky," she said, "you guys will screw pigs and goats and
cows and chickens..." He interrupts in a very indignant tone,
"CHICKENS?!"

000000000

I was busy sipping on my vodka when I overheard a group of ladies
having a discussion. One was saying how her daughter was very
meticulous and fastidious about herself and the enthusiasm she had
for getting good grades. She said she hoped she would not be so
anal as time went on. Whereupon a blonde in the group who was
showing off her newly acquired breasts, chimed in with, "I used to
be that way too, but as the years passed I've become less anal and
more oral and vaginal."

 

[melody]

Jerry Springers Future Stories

If you like watching your Dad and Mom have sex on their own website, call 1-800-Jerry and tell your story!
If your father's sister's mother's aunt's grandfather's nephew's cousin is your bi-sexual lover and they want you to have sex while the family watches, but you're against it... Please Call 1-800-69-JERRY
Are you a transsexual with a story to tell? Call Associate Producer Deb at 888-321-5387
IF YOUR MOM IS YOUR COUSIN, AUNT, UNCLE AND DAD AND YOU HAVE THE URGE TO HAVE HER CHILDREN-CALL 1-800-JERRY AND SHARE YOUR STORY.
Does your college roommate beat off in the middle of the night and you want to confront him call us at 1-800-Jerry
Are you a bald, one legged male prostitute, And want to confront your one eyed pimp on our show? Call 1-800-JERRY
Are you a schizophrenic necrophiliac, and 3 different personalities want to propose to your canine companion? Call 1-800-Jerry
If your penis is 2 inches.......from the ground call 1-800-hi-Jerry
Is your gay son using your douche to satisfy his gay needs?? If so call 1-800-89-Jerry
Is your dad a cross-dressing pedophile? If so call 1-800-96Jerry
If your father is your mother's cousin and you are currently having an affair with your sister(or is it your aunt?)
Are you a pregnant prostitute who is in love with your pimp and his girlfriend and want to confront them both on our show? Call 1-800 96JERRY
Is your gay lover having an affair with both your parents? Then call 1-800 Jerry Jokes.
If your mom is thinking of becoming a man to satisfy your father's gay curiosity,please call us at 1-800 Jerry jokes!!
Is your Dad a Grand Dragon in the KKK, and you are having an interracial sex affair? If so, call 1 800 Jerry and tell us your story!
Do you suspect your wife or partner of having sexual relations with the family pet? Call 1 800 Jerry and tell us your story!

Paul's Answer To Chain Emails!

Hello, my name is Paul and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Tumbarumba with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"

What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Endeavour.

Fuck 'em.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being".

I don't fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know.

Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will
consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

 

[melody]

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," said the doctor, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."

"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."
_____________________________

I sat by the Duchess for tea,
And she asked, "Do you fart when you pee?"
I said with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And I felt it was one up for me
______________________________

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Minister are on a cruise. Suddenly the boat begins to sink. The Protestant Minister yells, "Abandon ship! Women and children first!" The Rabbi says, "Screw the children." The Priest then replies, "Do we have time for that?"


Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm
gonna rip the wife's knickers off!"
"What's the rush?" his mate asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied.


~ Q ~
Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
~ A ~
They both feel good but you wonder who's been there before you.

~ Q ~
Why do men like jacking off in front of a mirror?
~ A ~
Because objects appear larger than they really are!


What do you call a homosexual's athletic supporter?
A fruit cup.
===
Proctologist: "Do you know I just pulled a dozen roses out of your rectum?"
Gay patient: "Is that so? What's the card say?"
===
What's blue and comes in Brownies?
Cub Scouts.
===
Where do women pilots sit?
In the cuntpit.
===
When is a wet dream hazardous?
When you're under a electric blanket.
===
What do you call a faggot in the navy?
A Rear Admiral.
===
What do you call two women in a freezer?
Cold cunts.

NEW L.A. Drivers Exam...

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:___________________ Stage name: ____________________
Agent:___________________ Attorney:_______________________
Therapist name:_________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
*If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Texting
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading

Please indicate how many times
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should :
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best.
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH.
b) drive twice as fast as usual.
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway.
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) using your directional signals.
b) what is a "directional signal"?

Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) the wiper blades
b) the belts
c) the horn

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) dark, poorly lit roads
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) revenge!

Your rear view mirror is for:
a) watching for approaching cars
b) watching for approaching police cars
c) checking your hair

 

[melody]

Male / Female Bashing

Men are more controlled by a part of the brain known as the penis.

What does a rooster and a prostitute have in common?
Roosters calling: "cock-a-doodle-doo"
Prostitute calling: "any-cock-will-do"

If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash
knees, what do gynecologists get?
Tunnel vision!

"Sometimes I call my husband 'Q'," the wife told her friend.
"Why's that?" the friend asked. "Is he some kinda superguy
like that man on Star Trek?"
"No," said the wife, "he's a big fat zero with a little dick
hangin' down."

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.

What's the best thing to come out of a penis when you stroke it?
The wrinkles.

How do you give a woman freedom of speech?
Take your dick out of her mouth.

If I had a cock of steel and balls of solid brass
I'd find a marble statue and ram it up it's ass.

What does the word S-I-N-G-L-E stand for?
Stay Intoxicated Nightly, Get Laid Everyday

What do you call the space between the vagina and the asshole?
A Chin Rest.

What do you call the useless flesh which surrounds a vagina?
A woman.

What's the toughest part of a mans body?
His cock, 'cos it can stand up to any cunt.

How many cocksuckers does it take to change a light bulb?
Shut up and keep sucking. You can change the fucking thing once I've cum.

EINSTEIN'S OTHER THEORY
The angle of the dangle decreases with the sag of the bag,
and increases in proportion to the heat of the meat
compared to the mass of the ass and the beauty of the cutie.

IT'S MY WIFE

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an elderly man, about 75 to 80
years old, sitting on a bench near the shopping center sobbing his eyes
out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me
every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh
fruit and freshly brewed coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite
brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."

I asked again, "So why are you crying?"

He continued, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and
my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until midnight."

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

He answered, "If only I could remember where I live."

“I’ve been making a lot of Freudian slips lately,” a man says casually to his friend.

“Like what?” asks his buddy.

“Well, last week I asked the train conductor for two pickets to Tittsburgh.”

“I did something similar the other day,” says the friend. “My wife and I were having breakfast, and instead of saying, ‘Honey, please pass the butter,’ I said, ‘You bitch, you ruined my life!’”

 

[melody]

Sexual Education

A math teacher gets called to the principal's office one day and the principal says to him, "We need a new Sex-Ed teacher and you are it."
The Math teacher exclaims, "But I have never taught Sex-Ed before what am I going do?"
The principal replies, "Well, you have until Monday to think of something, because that is when the class starts."
The math teacher decides that he is going to use flash cards to teach the Sex-Ed class, because they have worked extremely well in teaching his math class.
On Monday morning, the teacher is feeling very confidant. He walks into the room, and begins to teach the class. He holds up the first flash card and asks, "Can anybody tell me what this is?"
Little Jill stands up and replies, "That's a breast and my mommy has two."
The math teacher says, "That's right Jill! It is a breast, and your mommy does have two."
The math teacher grabs the next flash card and asks, "Can anybody tell me what this is?
Little Bobby raises his hand and replies, "I know. That is a dick, and my daddy has two."
The math teacher says, "That's right Bobby it is a dick, but your daddy only has one."
Little Bobby stands up and says, "Nope my daddy has two! He has a small one that he uses to pee, and a big one that he brushes mommy's teeth with."

22222

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
22222
Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and Johnny lets out a scream. His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K k k kiss (sniff) it better." Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"

Cow Snatch

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale...$5000"
He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars." The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman.
Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth shit."

============

Q. What part of Popeye doesn't rust?
A. The part he dips in Olive Oyl.

Q: What should a woman say as she guides her lover's tongue toward
her clitoris?
A: This bud's for you!

Q: What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
A: They go forwards, backwards, forwards, and backwards, stop and eject!

Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!

Q. What do you call a female clone?
A. A clunt.

Q: What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't??
A: A navel.

Q. What does a rattle snake and condom with a hole in it have in common
A. You don't fuck with either one of them. ?

============

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, "Where do you live?".
Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, "Hello, I've brought your husband home."
The wife looks at the man and asks, "Where's his wheel chair?"

 

[melody]

Nasty Chit

Little Johnny, a 5th grade student has a penis so large, his parents
warned him not to have anything to do with girls.
They cautioned him he could easily kill someone.
Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps
him after school and suggests they have sex.

He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She laughs and scoffs
at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control,
and nothing bad can happen.

He reluctanly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful
sensations, she faints from pure joy.

Thinking that he's killed her, Johnny runs from the classroom sobbing
and crying, "Oh my God!...I killed her! I killed her!"
All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning
comprehension appears on his face as he says,
"Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her.
The dumb bitch committed suicide!"

:-);-0;-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):

This old man marries a girl barely out of her teens. Needless to
say she is asking for it, so when they get into bed on the wedding
night she asks him 'So are we going to have rampant sex tonight?"
The man responds by raising his hand and outstretching his fingers.
"What? Five times?" asks the eager girl.
"No", he replied. "Pick a finger'.


Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."
The boss says, "What's that?"
Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."
They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See?
There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp.
That's her clit."
Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."

50 Years Of Marriage

A married couple is celebrating 50 years of marriage.
He had taken her to dinner and dancing to celebrate.
They were reflecting over the past 50 years.

She said, "You have given me everything that any woman
could desire, 2 beautiful children that grew up and
became a doctor and a lawyer.
A beautiful home and a new car every three years.
The kids have given us grandchildren, and we love them too death.
If there is anything I haven't given you,
all you need do is ask."

"Well, the husband says, there is one thing."

"What is that," says the wife?

"A blow job," says the husband.

The wife thinks for a moment and says,
"I have never given you a blow job, because I didn't think you
would respect me after that.
But, since we have been together 50 years,
surely you would respect me now, so ok."

So she unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and
proceeds to give him a blow job.
Just as she finishes and wipes her chin, the phone rings.

The husbands answers and says,
"Yes, right here. Hold on a moment.
Here, cocksucker, it's for you."

O0O0O0O0O0

You know cocks come in 5 different sizes...
1) Small
2) Medium
3) Large
4) X-large
5) and does that come in White?

O0O0O0O0O0

What do women and condoms have in common?
They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.
What do Jell-O and a woman have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.

 

[melody]

The Whole Truth

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to
blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and
as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your
father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work,
and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly
hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he
sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says,
"Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"

ggggg

Whore House Slogans

1. More Fuck for your Buck!

2. More Honey for your Money!

3. More Gash for your Cash!

4. More Hole for your Pole!

5. More Head for your Bread!

6. More Booty for your Looty!

7. More Strange for your Change!

8. She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!

9. Will suck for a buck!

10. We'll Tally Whack Your Ban!

ggggg

Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One seventy-five year old woman says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty year old woman says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old woman says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."

Stevie Is Blind

Ten year old Stevie had been blind since birth. One night
his mother came into his bedroom before he went to sleep and told
him that he must pray very, very hard because tomorrow was a
special day and he would get a wonderful surprise.
So Stevie fell asleep praying with confidence that he
would be able to see the next day.
His mother awoke Stevie early and told him to open his
eyes, as this was that special day she had promised him.
Stevie tried, but then cried out, "Mommie, Mommie, I still
can't see!"
"I know dear," she said, "Today is April Fool's."

;;;;;;;;;;;

Q: What is the most common pickup line in a lesbian bar?
A: "Your face, or mine?"

Q: Why shouldn't we make fun of handicapped people?
A: Because if it weren't for them, we wouldn't be able to find such
neat parking places.

;;;;;;;;;;;

The local priest saw a staggering, falling down, blind
drunk come crashing into his church. After picking himself up and
alternating between crawling and falling, the drunk finally made
it into one side of the confessional. Marking this man as one who
was obviously in need of making confession, the priest hurried
into his own side of the confessional, encountering at this close
range a terrible smell coming from his new visitor. But the
priest steeled himself and said, "May I be of assistance, my son?"
"Well maybe," slurred the drunk. "Do you have any toilet
paper over there in your stall?"

;;;;;;;;;;;

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A: A washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks
after you dump a load into it.

Q: Why won't Charlie the Tuna eat his old lady?
A: She smells like people.

 

[melody]

TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP WHEN YOU'RE PULLED OVER

10 Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
9 Wanta race to the station, Sparky?
8 I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
7 On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
6 You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
5 Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4 Hey wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
3 How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2 Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
1 I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!


A guy was spending the night with a married couple in their apartment.
Since they didn't have a couch, they let him share their bed with them.

Once they all went to bed and the husband fell asleep, the wife whispered in
the guy's ear, "Pull a hair from my husband's ass, If he is asleep we can
have sex."

The guy pulled a hair from the husband's ass, and he didn't wake up, so the
guy proceeded to make it with the wife.

Not satisfied, the wife told him to do it a second , then a third time,
which he happily did.

Finally, the husband rolled over and said wearily, "It's bad enough that
you're fucking my wife in the same bed as me, but do you have to use my ass
as a scoreboard?"

Not a Virgin

A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she
was not, as her fiance thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what
to do.
"No Problem," said the friend, who had just finished watching an
Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. "Just buy a piece of raw liver and
shove it up inside you. It will make you tight and he will never
know the difference."

The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom
consummated the marriage with tremendous energy in the bed, on the
floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere. She
fell asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to
find the following note pinned to her pillow: Dear Jane: Last night
was pure heaven. Unfortunately, since we will never be able to
repeat that performance, I am leaving you forever.
P.S. Your pussy is in the sink.

SSSSS

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so
she took him aside after class one day.

"Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," replied Little Johnny.

Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently, "don't you see how
silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday ... but I
don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly,

"I'll use a rubber!"

 

[melody]

Call 1-800-SAV-A-DIC!

"Woman chops off sleeping man's penis and drops from moving car!"
Don't laugh, it is true, and it can happen to you!!

Right now thousands of agitated, irate women have read
That headline and are contemplating similar action against you
The next time you make an unwanted sexual advance,
Look at them the wrong way, or just upset them in general!!

MEN PROTECT YOURSELVES NOW!!

If you found yourself a victim of CDS (Chop and Drop Syndrome)
Could you be sure the appropriate authorities would find your
Chopped member in time and intact?? Could you be sure the penis
Part they found was yours??

Inquire now about our low-cost PenisProtectionPlan! *

Plan 1: We'll register your penis and scrotum, plus tattoo them
With their own unique registration number, ensuring that in case
Of separation, you will get a perfect match every time.

Plan 2: Our Jurassic prick program. We'll take a cell sample from
Your penis and clone replacement parts for you in the event a
Trailer-tractor runs over your penis, or some wild animal mistakes
Your detached member for a chew toy.

Plan 3: For those of you who believe in prevention,
We offer a one size fits all, battery-operated, stainless steel
Jockstrap that can be worn when necessary. When you are asleep
An alarm will be activated when metal or other hazardous objects
Come within one foot of the jockstrap.
This will guarantee you a full nights sleep, free of worry.

Don't get caught short ...

Call 1-800-SAV-A-DIC today!!!!!

Remember ... The dick you save could be your own!!

PRICES VARY ACCORDING TO SIZE.

Men Bashing
1. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.

2. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:
you've gotten sick of him.

3. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He
probably lies about other things too.

4. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked
her husband to do.

5. If you want a nice man, go for a bald one -- they try
harder.

6. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never
mature anyway.

7. There are only two four letter words that are offensive
to men -- don't and "stop" (but not used together).

8. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces
so you can tell them apart.

9. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband,
you will usually find that he is.

10. Scientists have just discovered something that can do
the work of five men -- a woman.

11. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -
strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could
still use them!

12. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and
potentially violent but they make great pets!

13. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough
cells per man.

14. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're
someone else's.

15. If you think the way to a man's heart is through
his stomach you're aiming too high.

16. A man who can dress himself without looking like
Wurzel Gummidge is Turzel Gummidge..
17. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of
the bath to pee.

18. If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a
day and he will be back to his usual self.

19. All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when
they see beautiful women pass by.
20. If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking
at you all of a sudden he is probably checking out the
women behind you.

21. Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle
in a car, once you think you have it all put together, you
find another piece but you don't know where it goes.

@@@

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

 

[melody]

The Mouse

A man called his doctor, and said "doc", you gotta come over here
quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to
pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her ass. The doctor said,"
okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her ass until i get
over there".

The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man
holding a big fish up to her ass instead of cheese. the doctor
said,"what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese". The man said,"I
did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to
come out, the cat chased it right back up there!
___________

Pussy Poem

Pussy is a funny creature
It makes a man a fool
It takes away his worries
And wears away his tool

When man climbs on a woman
He hasn't long to stay
His head is full of non-sense
His ass is full of play

He climbs on like a lion
And rolls off like a lamb
And when he buttons up his pants
He is not worth a good God damn......
___________

If a round peg fits into a round hole, and a square peg fits into a
square hole, then why isn't the end of a penis shaped like an axe?

Cool Q's & A's

Q: How do you know whether or not the blonde you slept with last
night gave you a good blow-job?
A: The bedsheets are sucked up your ass.

Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: Why do women have faces?
A: So men can tell the vaginas apart.

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: "Ack, gag, ack!"

Q: What is the most frequent reason that midgets get slapped by girls?
A: For telling them that their hair smells nice.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Daffynition: A perfect 10 - a girl with no teeth who is waist high and
has a flat head on which you can set your drink.

Daffynition: A Cinderella perfect 10 - a girl who sucks and fucks until
the stroke of midnight and then turns into a pizza and a six pack.

Q: Why do women like to cross a rooster with an owl?
A: Because they get a cock that stays up all night.

Q: Why don't women like to cross a rooster with a peanut butter sandwich?
A: Because they get a cock that sticks to the roof of their mouths.

The boss walked in on his voluptuous new secretary and asked her,
"Buffy, do you know the difference between a blowjob and a Big Mac?"
"No, I don't."
"Great! Then let's have lunch!"

Q: How can a teenager tell if case of acne is really bad?
A: When a blind man tries to read his face.

Q: Why did the Polack staple his balls together?
A: Someone told him, "If you can't lick 'em, join 'em."
Q: When can it be lethal to have a wet dream?
A: When you're using an electric blanket.

Q: How can you tell that the couple doing it doggie style are married?
A: There is not as much licking and sniffing as usual.

Q: What is the favorite fast food place for queers?
A: Burger Queen.

A queer was brushing his teeth and flossing in front of the
bathroom mirror, when he noticed that his gums had started bleeding.
"Thank God!" he exclaimed. "Safe for another month!"

Q: Did you hear about the new food item popular among queers?
A: It's called semen helper.

Q: Do you know why the Indians got here first?
A: Because they had reservations.

Q: How can a girl tell the Greek guy ****** her is a real gentleman?
A: He asks her out four times before he propositions her little brother.

 

[melody]

Nasty Q's & A's

Q: Where do they fit the fifth faggot in a Volkswagen?
A: On the stick shift.

Q: Why did the guy keep a tampon on top of his TV?
A: To remind him that the cunt that got his VCR.

Q: What is the first thing a woman should do when she gets out of the
battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

Q: Why do queers prefer rubbers with ridges?
A: Better traction in the mud.

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: Why do women have orgasms?
A: Because it gives them something else to moan about.

Q: Why is AIDS considered a social disease?
A: Because it results in a lot of lonely ass holes.

Q: What's another name for a chastity belt?
A: A manhole cover.

Q: Why were there only 49 contestants in the Miss Ebonics contest?
A: No one wanted to answer to "Idaho."

Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: Siamese twins connected at the ass, when one farts, the other one explodes.

Q: How can a shrink tell his new patient is exceedingly shy?
A: When she shows up for her first appointment carrying a specimen bottle.

Q: What is the one reason a true humanitarian should support a shelter for
bums in his own neighborhood?
A: It would keep the flies away from his house.

Secretary: "Boss, may I use your Dictaphone?"
Boss: "No. Use your finger like everyone else."

Q: What's small, red, and spins round at 2000rpm?
A: A baby picking its nose with a power drill.

Q: Did you hear about the leper prostitute who had to quit her job?
A: Her business fell off.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a Scotsman's stag party?
A: When a sheep jumps out of the cake.

Q: What is another name for a Scotsman with lots of girlfriends?
A: Shepherd.

Q: How can a woman make a man eat shit?
A1: Wipe forward.
A2: Marry him.

Q: What should you do if an epileptic has a fit in your bath tub?
A: Throw in your dirty laundry and some soap.

Q: How many real men does it take to open a can of beer?
A: None. The bitch better have it open when she gets it for me.

Women's Sexual Facts

70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.

Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.

Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.

Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.

In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.

Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.

White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.

Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.

Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.

Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.

Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.

Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.

Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.

White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.

20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.

So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking for: a 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4 Black/1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D., wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who lived with her single mom! Shouldn't be too hard.

Happy hunting.

 

[melody]

The Hole Maker

This guy`s speeding through a built up area in his clapped out old
motor when he sees blue lights in his rear view mirror. Realizing it`s
a police bike, he pulls over and the police officer comes over to him.
The officer`s real arrogant and after slagging the car driver off,
tells him that he`s booking him. He checks the guy`s license then asks
for some more details. When he asks the guy what he does for a living,
the guy says "I`m a hole maker."
"What the hell`s a hole maker?" asks the cop.
"Well it`s like this" says the guy, "First you get yourself a real
dirty slag. Get her real drunk then start making out with her. When
you feel she`s getting good and damp, slip one finger up her and keep
on working it in and out. After a while, slip a finger from your other
hand up her and gradually pull her lips apart. When you can, get all
your other fingers up her and then start on getting your hands up.
When you`ve got your hands up her, kneel down and push your head up
against her fanny. Move your head around whilst pulling her fanny open
and keep at it until your head`s inside. Then start to stand up
slowly, working your shoulders into her. Once you`ve got your
shoulders in the rest is easy. You just stand right up pulling her
lips over your waist and then finally you pull your knees and feet
inside. And that`s it!!
"Fucking Hell!!" says the cop, "And what the fuck do you do with a
cunt that size?"

"You stick it in a blue uniform and put it on a motorcycle."


What do women have in common with floor tiles?
If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them forever.

What do you get it you cross a pitbull terrier with a labrador?
A dog that scares the shit out of you then fetches the toilet paper.


Four fags were living together in a house. One morning, they woke up
and one of them was dead (probably AIDS or something). The first one
freaks out and starts screaming "Call an ambulance quick!!!". The
second guy (a little calmer) says "Man, he's already dead, call the
morgue instead". The third fag corrects them both and says "no, let's
chop him up into little pieces, put him in a blender, then drink him!".
The other two, just look at him in astonishment and finally ask "what
are you talking about you sick bastard?". Well he proclaims, "I just
wanted to feel his meat sliding out of me one last time!"

It was the first day of school, and the teacher was calling
the roll. She came to a strange name. The boy's name was I
P.P. Rainwater. She called it out. When the youngster stood
up, the teacher demanded he tell her his real name, or leave her class.
As he was leaving, he looked over at his younger brother and said,
"Come
on Shithead. She won't believe you either."

==================================================

This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened
last night."
His buddy says. "Well then, tell me what happened."
The guy says, " Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened
the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch.
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door."

===================================================

Three old men sitting around an old folks home
Reflecting on things they wish they could still Do.....
The first guys says, ya know, I wish I could just take
A good pee again!
The second guy says ya, I just wish I could take a
Good healthy crap again!
Well, the third guy says, Ya know? About 8:45 I take a
Long pee and about 10:00 or so, I take a great big crap.
I just wish I could get outta bed before noon!


===================================================

What's red and has seven little dents?
Snowhite's cherry!

What doe Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer do on Friday nights?
Goes down to the Elk's Club & blows a few bucks.

What do you call a zit on a blondes butt?
A brain tumor

===================================================


A girl who works in an office complained to her friend that a
co-worker was sexually harassing her. Her friend asked her
what it was that he was doing. she said "when we're standing
around talking he says 'damn your hair smells good.'" Her
friend said "that's not sexual harassment. thats a compliment."

She said "Yeah, but he's a fucking midget."

 

[melody]

Advice From Paul

*If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed

*Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's *arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

*Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

*Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

*Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

*Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

*Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

*Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

*Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

*Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

*Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

*Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

*Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

*Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every stranger who looks at you over the fence.

*Men don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

*X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

*Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

*Save money on expensive personalized car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

*Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

*Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

*Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

*Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

*Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

*Thicken up runny low-fat yogurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

*Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

*A next door neighbor's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

*Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

*Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

*An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

*Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

*Sweet corn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

*Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

*Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

*Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

*Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

*Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Car Pooling

It’s Harold’s first day in the carpool. They honk the horn in front of
his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk

when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife’s foot tapping on the
porch.

He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the
steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the snatch, runs
back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver,
can’t stand it. Burnett asks, Harold, it’s none of my business, but
why’d you
kiss her down there?

Harold says, You wouldn’t believe her breath in the morning.
====
While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered
that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.
He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned
country
store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite
obviously a local farm girl.
He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"
"Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then
I just go plain wild and crazy!"
====
A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes
torn.
His brother says, "Man, where have you been?"
"I just got back from burying my mother-in-law"
"How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your
mother-in-law?"
"She wouldn't lie still!!"
====
Know where you can find sympathy?
In the dictionary, somewhere between 'shit' and 'syphilis'.
====
What is a FACT?
A Fact is a bit of grizzle That separates the Muck Hole from the
Fuck Hole, One slip and your in the Shit and that's a Fact
====
The definition of shit head
some one who sees shit on the floor and steps in it anyway

 

[melody]

The Neighbor

A man and his wife were preparing to go out for the evening. She had
just stepped out of the shower and he was shaving. Suddenly the door
bell rang. "Would you get that?" the husband said. Even though she was
naked with wet hair she pulled a bath robe on and proceeded to answer
the door bell.

Upon opening the door she discovered the next door neighbor on their
doorstep. He gazed at her a moment and suddenly said "I'll give you $500
to open that robe and let me have a look". She was somewhat taken aback
but upon reflection thought that it would be an easy way to earn $500
and, while embarrassing, no one would ever know. So she spread apart her
robe for him to see.

After feasting his eyes on her naked body for several minutes, he
handed her $500 and left.

So, she closed her robe and slammed the door. "Who was it?" her husband
yelled. " The next door neighbor." she replied. "Did he give you that
$500 he owes me?" asked her husband.


A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all his
Professionalism flew out the window.
He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions
Or Dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to
Fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps
Which might indicate Breast Cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse
With her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes:
Which is why I came here in the first place."

Sex Quiz For Real Men

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever
find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had
sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

 

[melody]

Last Longer During The Act

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex
often helped men last longer during the act. The
man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where
to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought
about the restroom, but that was too open. He
considered an alley, but figured that was too
unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side
of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath
as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and
started to play with his unit.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he
grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at
the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm,
he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down
there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's
busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your
brakes too while you're down there because your
truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."


For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free."
Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?
Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get
a little sausage.


Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!

Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.

Q. How did the gay break his leg at the golf course?
A. He fell off the ball washer!
Q. What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire?
A. See you next period.

Shipwrecked

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle
of nowhere, the following people are stranded.

. Two Italian men and one Italian woman
. Two French men and one French woman
. Two German men and one German woman
. Two Greek men and one Greek woman
. Two English men and one English woman
. Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
. Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
. Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
. Two Irish men and one Irish woman
. Two American men and one American woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for
the Italian woman.

. The two French men and the French woman are
living happily together in Ménage à Trois .

. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of
alternating visits with the German woman.

. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and
the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

. The two English men are waiting for someone to
introduce them to the English woman.

. The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian
woman and started swimming to another island.

. The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting
instructions.

. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy-liquor-
store-restaurant-laundry, and have gotten the woman
pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

. The two Irish men divided the island into North and
South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if
sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy
after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they
are satisfied because the English are not having any
fun.

. The two American men are contemplating suicide,
because the American woman will not shut up and
complains relentlessly about:

o Her body

o The true nature of feminism

o What the sun is doing to her skin

o How she can do anything that they can do

o The necessity of fulfillment

o The equal division of household chores

o How sand and palm trees make her look fat

o How her last boyfriend respected her opinion and
treated her nicer than they do

o How her relationship with her mother is the root
cause of all her problems

o Why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they
could call 911 and get them all rescued off this
lord-forsaken deserted island in the middle of
nowhere so she can get her nails done and go
shopping.

 

[melody]

God Grant Me The Senility...

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Can't remember...read #4 again.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.
HHHHH

Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making
babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little
Johnny just sat there silently for awhile.
"Do you understand?" his mother asked.
"Yes," replied Little Johnny.
"Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.
"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little
Johnny.
"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.
"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"


Nasty Little Johnny & Tommy

Little Johnny and Tommy went over to Little Johnny's house to play.
Little Johnny's mother overheard them playing in his big sister's room.

"Little Johnny, I've looked and looked but I don't see any tigers,
clowns or elephants," Tommy complained.

Little Johnny asked him what he meant, and he explained, "I overheard
some high school boys say your sister was a three-ring circus."

Little Johnny's mother smiled at the innocence of the boys, until she
heard Little Johnny's explanation:

"Oh that, that just means that on the first date she'll suck your cock,
on the second date she'll fuck you, and on the third date she'll let you
fuck her up the ass!"

&&&

One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and
needed to go to the bathroom urgently.

He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to
the bathroom. When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked
around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on
the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse
with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will
be licked clean."

The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going
to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to
do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do
it. So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole.

Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so
hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.

 

[melody]

Let Me Tell You A Secret, Girls...

Sometimes I think about girls and then I realize how dumb
they truly are. Sure, they claim to be just as smart as men, but
they're really not. If it were up to me, I would make a law that
says a law can simply be a statement, and then I would make a law
that says women are dumb.

Women, no matter how much they claim that they do, don't
understand men. So I'm going to tell them a not-so-secret secret.

Everything men do boils down to wanting to fuck more girls.

That's right, ladies. Every decision I make and every action I take is
carefully designed to maximize the probability of me fucking more girls.
All I do everyday is sit around and think of ways I can get more sex.
Places I'd fuck, girls I'd fuck, girls I've fucked, sweaty men I'd like to ...
see at a football game with a girl before I fuck her, ... it's sickening!
For example, here is what I do on a daily basis, and why:

Why do I go to the gym?
So I can get buffer so more girls will want to fuck me.

Why do I have a job?
So I have money to buy girls drinks so they get drunk and
they will want to fuck me.

Why do I care what clothes I wear?
Because for some reason girls seem to care, so the better
clothes I wear, the better impression I make on girls and
the more they will want to fuck me.

Why do I bathe?
Because girls care about stupid things like cleanliness, so if my
body is clean, the more they will want to press their naked bodies
against my naked body and the more they will want to fuck me.

Why do I ask girls how they're doing?
So they think I care about them and the more they will want to fuck me.

Why do I fuck girls?
So I can get better at fucking girls so more girls will want to fuck me.

It's not just limited to my daily activities, either. Every one of my
life goals revolves around wanting to fuck more girls, too!

Why do I want to win the Nobel Prize?
So I can fuck more hot librarians.

Why do I want to form my own awesome band?
So I can fuck hot groupie whores.

Why do I want to become an astronaut?
So I can take girls into space and fuck girls in a
kickass low-gravity environment.

Why do I want to become a rich, powerful CEO?
So I can fuck hot gold-diggers.

Why do I want to get married?
So when I'm super old and no girls want to fuck me, I still
have a girl to fuck.

Why do I want to end world hunger?
Because it'd be great to have some hot Somalian bitches
grow old enough to fuck before they die so I can fuck them.

Why do I want to make my kickass website even more kickass?
Because girls love guys with kickass websites and more girls will
want to fuck me.

See? It's completely ridiculous! Men are reading this and thinking
"this is so true." Women know it's true, but act shocked and disgusted,
anyway because if they acted any other way, men would call them a
stupid slut. Ha ha!

That double-standard makes me laugh a hearty laugh.

In case a woman was reading this and didn't understand this column
because she's a woman and is too stupid, here's a complete and
comprehensive summary of everything I've written thus far:

MEN .... WANT .... PUSSY!

The Englishman, The Irishman, And The Scotsman

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack
of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency, here's $30. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's
$20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o
Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

&&&

Q. What do you call a Nazi tampon?
A. A twatztika.

Q. What does a woman say to a man who she has just had sex with?
A. Say whatever she wants... he's asleep.

&&&

Kathi: So this guy strolled over to me at the party, all cocky and sure
of himself.
Lisa: Yeah? So what happened?
Kathi: He said, "You know, gentlemen prefer blondes." I said, "Well, if
you could see my pubic hair, you'd know I'm not a natural blonde."
He said, "If I could see your pubic hair, I wouldn't care WHAT color the
hair on your head is!”