JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A QUIZ FOR WOMEN

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to
love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused
emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is
that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however,
he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you.
Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural
desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf.
Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar
for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few
personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone
you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or
perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when
he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do
after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep
while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely
rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or
over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do
everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his
apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Q: Are you sure?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust men or something?
Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying
him an expensive gift.

 

[melody]

The Best

A bloke walked up to a hooker and asked how much
she charged for a hand job.
"$100," she replied.
"Fuck," said the bloke. "That's a bit rich isn't it?"
"See that Porsche parked over there?" she said.
"I own it because I give the best hand jobs in town."
The bloke thought that this was OK and agreed to
the fee.
The hand job went on for hours. the bloke loved it
so much that he asked how much she charged for
a head job.
"$250," she replied.
"Fuck!" sighed the bloke. "That's a bit rich isn't it?"
"See that block of units behind the Porsche?" said
the whore. "I paid for that with cash because I give
the best head jobs in town."
"Crikey," said the bloke. "I'll give that a go."
When the pro finished the best head job the bloke
had ever had, he asked her how much for the real
thing.
"See that factory behind the block of units?" she
asked.
"Yeah," replied the bloke.
"Well," she sighed, "That'd be mine if I had a pussy!"

_____________

A barefoot Irish girl brought her baby boy to the doctor and told
him. "Doc, my little Paddy just cries and cries all the time. What
do you think the problem is?"
Taking the baby from her, the doctor noticed a strong odor, where-
upon he looked into Paddy's nappy. "Why, Mary!" he exclaimed.
"The problem is that there's at least 16 pounds of yellow shit in
you son's drawers!"
"Naw, that can't be it," the girl replied. "On the box it said "Good
for babies up to 18 pounds." So he's got two more to go."

________

Mommy, Mommy! What's a lesbian?
Go ask Daddy, she'll know.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?
You know it won't fit over your iron lung.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I go to the toilet?
Yes Johnny I'll take you in a minute
Can Granny take me?
Why?
Her hand shakes.

 

[melody]

Breast Enlargement

A wife went home to her husband and told him she wanted
two thousand dollars for a breast enlargement.
"You want two grand for what?" he replied.
"For a breast enlargement" she replied.
"Listen" said the husband.
"Why don't you wipe toilet paper between your tits every day?"
"Will that make them bigger?" she asked.
Well, it worked for your big arse didn't it!!!" he replied.

__________

A bloke buys a camel from some shonk on a street corner, and he proudly
rides it into the pub car park, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers.
"Nice camel, mate" , one of his drinking buddies commented. "Is it male
or female?"
"Female!" the bloke beamed.
"How do you know" his mate enquired."
"Well" , the bloke explained, "On the way here today, at least
twenty people yelled out: 'Hey - look at the cunt on the camel!

___________

A yuppie walked into a doctor's surgery and demanded the
quack have a look at his dick.
"Why, what's wrong with it?" the doc asked.
"I'll show you", the yuppie yelled, and dropped his trousers.
His dick was the size of a jellybean, and the doctor couldn't
help himself. He burst out laughing.
"It's nothing to laugh at," complained the yuppie, close to tears.
"It's been swollen like that for the last three days!"

 

[melody]

Wanted A Virgin

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin.
Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.
The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is another
way that will cost only $50. The woman agreed to try the cheap way,
paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes.
After the "first night" of intimacy, the woman came back to the
doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood,
everything was there. And she asked him how he did it. "Simple... I
tied your pubic hairs together!"

mmmmm

Paul picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they
were walking home he didn't say a thing. "You're not the communicative
type, are you?" she said as they were undressing. "Nah," Paul replied
and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this." "Damn,"
said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to
say, do you?"

mmmmm

The other day I met this really attractive girl and after a few
hours and a quite a few drinks the topic turned to sexual fantasies.
"My fantasy," she said, "is to be fucked by 12 inches AND to bleed!"
Willing to oblige I took her home, fucked her three times and
punched her in the mouth.

mmmmm

His dick is most surely a dilly,
A grand and marvelous Willie.
His gal loves to give head,
But most often instead,
He ends by just screwing her silly.

A decent young fellow named Herm
Was equipped with a geyser-like worm:
The size wasn't much
But its volume was such
That his lovers did backstroke in sperm.

 

[melody]

Elderly People

Two elderly people are living in a retirement community. He's a
widower and she's a widow. They have known each other for a while
and he likes her. One afternoon, he summons his courage and asks
her, "Would you like to have sex with me?"

She smiles, and says, "Yes, I will!"

So, they go to her place, have sex, and then man returns to his
place.

Confucious Say...

It takes many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who sit on tack, get point.

Man with hand on tool not always mechanic.

Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.

He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

§§§«¤»«¤»§§§«¤»«¤»§§§«¤»«¤»§§§«¤»«¤»§§§

Blonde Flowers

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down
the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead
happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs
and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again....for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the
big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending
the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says "Don't you have a vase?"

§§§«¤»«¤»§§§«¤»«¤»§§§«¤»«¤»§§§«¤»«¤»§§§

"Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your
collar?" the suspicious wife sneered.

"No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly remember
taking my shirt off."

 

[melody]

Arkansas Medical Dictionary

Artery....................................the study of paintings
Barium................................what Dr's do when a patient dies
Bowel...................................a letter like a,e,I,o,or u
Cesarean Section........................ a neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan...................................searching for kitty
Cauterize.............................made eye contact with her
Colic........................................a sheep dog
D&C..................................where the white house is
Dilate.......................................to live a long time
Enema........................................not a friend
Genital.........................................not a Jew
G.I. Series.....................................soldier ball game
Hangnail........................................coat hook
Impotent......................................distinguished, well known
Labor Pain....................................getting hurt at work
Medical Staff...................................a Dr's cane
Morbid..........................................higher offer
Nitrates....................................cheaper than day rates
Node.............................................was aware of
Outpatient.....................a person who has fainted or is in a coma
Pap Smear.......................................a fatherhood test
Pelvis................................................a cousin to Elvis
Postoperative.....................................a letter carrier
Recovery Room. .................one of the rooms in an upholstery shop
Rectum......................................dang near killed 'em
Seizure...........................................Roman Emperor
Tablet.............................................a small table
Terminal illness...........................getting sick at the airport
Tumor..............................................more than one
Urine...........................................opposite of "your out"
Vericose.....................................................nearby
Vein....................................................conceited


Q: If you had sex for 365 days and took all those rubbers
and melted them down and made a tire out of them what
would you call it?
A: A fucking GoodYear.

Q: If a woman comes into the living room to yell at her Real Man, what can we always
conclude he has done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

 

[melody]

A nurse says to a girl in the maternity ward, "Would you like your
husband to be present at the birth?"
She says, "I'm afraid I don't have a husband, or a boyfriend. I'm
unattached...I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth, the nurse says to the girl, "You have a healthy
bouncing baby, but the baby is black."
The girl says, "I was down on my luck, so I took a job in a porno movie
where the lead man was black."
The nurse says, "The baby also has blonde hair."
The girl says, "There was a Swedish guy in the movie, too."
The nurse says, "The baby also has slanted eyes."
The girl says, "There was a Chinaman in the movie, too."
Then the nurse hands the baby to the girl. The girl spanks it, and it
cries out.
The girl says, "That's a relief. I was afraid the little bastard was
gonna bark."

========

What do a bungee jumper and a gay man have in common?
If the rubber breaks, they're both in deep shit

What's the difference between a prostitute and a rooster?
A rooster says, "Cock a doodle do" and a prostitute says, "Any cock'll
do."

What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

What is the difference between a pay check and a penis?
You don't have to beg your wife to blow your pay check!

========

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.
The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."
The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."
The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."

---------- Post added at 03:07 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 03:07 PM ----------

A nurse says to a girl in the maternity ward, "Would you like your
husband to be present at the birth?"
She says, "I'm afraid I don't have a husband, or a boyfriend. I'm
unattached...I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth, the nurse says to the girl, "You have a healthy
bouncing baby, but the baby is black."
The girl says, "I was down on my luck, so I took a job in a porno movie
where the lead man was black."
The nurse says, "The baby also has blonde hair."
The girl says, "There was a Swedish guy in the movie, too."
The nurse says, "The baby also has slanted eyes."
The girl says, "There was a Chinaman in the movie, too."
Then the nurse hands the baby to the girl. The girl spanks it, and it
cries out.
The girl says, "That's a relief. I was afraid the little bastard was
gonna bark."

========

What do a bungee jumper and a gay man have in common?
If the rubber breaks, they're both in deep shit

What's the difference between a prostitute and a rooster?
A rooster says, "Cock a doodle do" and a prostitute says, "Any cock'll
do."

What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

What is the difference between a pay check and a penis?
You don't have to beg your wife to blow your pay check!

========

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.
The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."
The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."
The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."

 

[melody]

The Milkman

One fine morning the milkman arrives at the house of family Jones. Mrs. Jones opens the door, and asks him to come inside. She invites him in the kitchen, where a huge and very good breakfast is prepared for him. He sits down and very much enjoys all the excellent food. When he is finished she asks him to come upstairs, and the milkman certainly has a good time!

When they dress and go down, she gives him a 5 dollar bill. Now the milkman is really surprised, and asks where the 5 dollars are for. She replies: "Well, yesterday I told my husband that is was your birthday today, and he said: "So what, fuck the milkman, give him 5 bucks." But the breakfast was entirely my idea!"

@@@

Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the
wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?" his buddy asked.
"The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"

@@@

The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life.
"Liza," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..."
"It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."

@@@

A young boy comes home from school one day, and on going to his room, he hears thumping and squeaking from his parents' room. He naively opens the door to see what is going on, and beholds his dad "giving it" to his mom rather vigorously. While his mom doesn't notice, his dad looks up to see him there, and gives him a big grin and a wink.
The next evening, dad comes home from work. He hears banging and squealing from his son's room. He opens the door to see what's happening, and the son is banging his own grandmother!
The son looks up to see his father standing there, and says, "Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

 

[melody]

Wonder Drug, Viagra

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering,
finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem.
Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces the proud
physician, "They've got this wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick!
You take some pills, and your problems are history."

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry
way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the
street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank
you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex fourteen times
in eight days!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician, "What does
your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't even fucking been home yet!"

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

Herman was walking down the street after a sex-change operation had
transformed him into a beautiful woman. An old friend saw him and said,
"Herman, you look great...you're beautiful!"

Herman replied, "Thanks...but holy Christ, did it hurt."

His friend asked, "When they cut open your chest and put in those
implants?"

Herman replied, "No, that didn't really hurt."

His friend asked, "When they cut off your dick and dug out a vagina?"

Herman replied, "No, that didn't really hurt."

His friend asked, "Then what did hurt?"

Herman said, "When the doctor drilled a fucking hole in my head and
sucked out half my brain."

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

Little Johnny comes running into the backyard. He screams, "Pop! Pop! Ma
just got hit by a bus!"

His father answers, "Son, that's just plain mean shouting it out like
that, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."

 

[melody]

Stuttering Problem

A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop
stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor
for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem.
Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your
lungs, causing you to stutter."
So the man asks, "What's he cure, doctor?".
To which the doctor replies,
"We have to cut off 6 inches."
The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering,
agrees to the operation.
The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.

Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had
the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his
love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate
to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he
repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me?
I want my 6 inches back!"
Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you!

bbbbb

What is the difference between a woman sitting in Church and
a woman sitting in the bath tub?
The woman sitting in Church has hope in her soul and the woman
sitting in the bath tub has soap in her hole.

bbbbb

What's the definition of "relative humidity"?
That's the sweat running down the crack of your ass as you're screwing
your sister-in-law.

 

[melody]

Filthy Funny Sexual Positions

All The Sexual Positions That You Can Try With Your Special Someone Tonight!

Dingleberry Surprise: Ok, get some Toilet Paper and put it in between your asscheeks. Then go run around until that shit is all kinds of dingleberry-ified. Relax and let it sit, and get all nasty and crusty. When you go to perform the teabag on the unsuspecting bitch, proceed to wipe the berries off in her hair and her eyebrows. Take that ho, you just got a nice Dingleberry Surprise.

Debeers: You know the bitch is a keeper when she deep throats you, but she also gets your balls in her mouth. If a girl can do that, you will be buying her a Debeers Diamond the next day.

Penalty Kick: You're sitting down, getting some dome from a skank, and you shout in pain 'cause she dragged her teeth. Tell her to bend over doggy style, and give her penalty kick right in her ass.

Pink Sock: You start ramming the bitch in the ass. While your fucking her, at the same time, punch her in both her kidneys and pull out. The suction will pull her anus out, then you grab a lighter and light it on fire.

Chief Assmaster: While you corn hole some broad, light a cigarette and put it in her vertical lips. As the motions from your intense anal session make her box tighten and release, the pussy will smoke the cigarette, resulting in smoke signals to rise up from the crack of her ass. If you can make her pussy blow rings, consider renaming yourself Chief Assmaster. Maybe you should buy a casino.

Jelly Doughnut: When the ho is giving you some head, pull out of her mouth and bust all over her mouth and nose. Punch in the nose and break it, this will make blood pour out. Now, mix the blood and jizz together with your cock and stick it back in her mouth. A nice jelly doughnut.

Dirty River: You give a bitch the most painful anal sex of her life and then ask her to turn around. Just as she turns you surprise her with a low blow, a punch to her lower stomach as hard as you can. Once you land the blow she will shit uncontrollably, shit will flow from her worn out asshole like a dirty fucking river. Then just sit back and enjoy the show.

Pull Start: If you have a freaky bitch, and she wants to do anal beads, make her think twice. Once they're in her ass, pretend like you're starting a lawnmower, and pull start that junk out of her ass. She will shit everywhere and you can laugh.

Ramshark: The woman braces herself facing a wall, naked, hands against the wall, legs spread, bent over so that her ass is lusciously jutting out. (hint: She might want to wear a biking helmet and some rollerblading wrist guards to avoid serious injury.) Next, the guy also naked as well as stiff cocked, walks to the opposite end of the room, places his palms together and raises them above his head, and begins chanting the theme to JAWS. Then, the guy sprints toward the girl at full speed with his pelvis-out, fin protruding, and rams her dead square in the ass.

Snow blower: You grab the ho from behind, and you grab her arms like in the wrecking ball. But, unlike the wrecking ball, you just fuck her real fast and subtle so she jerks back and forth like a snow blower.

Boiling Decision: This is wear your bitch is cooking you dinner, (if she's not cooking you dinner, then smack her), and you bend her over and stick it in her ass. If she says no, then you dunk her head into boiling water. If she says yes, then you do it anyway just so her ass spasms.

My Little Pony: Having her doggie-styled while harnessed around the mouth with her dirty underwear.

 

[melody]

Top New Names For Sexual Positions . . .

- The IRS position... where you just bend over and take it up the ass
with no lube.

- The Brainsqueeze... otherwise known as performing cunnilingus
correctly.

- The Humidor... (requires a cigar and an intern).

- The Butt Rut... (self explanatory but obligatory reference to ass
screwing).

- The Monday Night Football Colotial... (actually just doggie style done
facing the TV with the game on with her in the football jersey of your
favorite team).

- The Kentucky Derby... (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to
use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc
on the bed linens!

- The "Osama Bin Dover"... (valley vixen)

- The Bin Laden... Shoot your load, then run, duck, and hide.

- Oral Submarine... The guy must Dive...Dive ... Dive.

- The Bugs Bunny... It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs
pinned behind her head.

- The British telecom position... you get FUCKED by them and they never
call you back.

- The Grenade Position... I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me.

- The Enron Position... no matter what, you're getting it up the ass.

- Totally Screwed... the position you in when your spouse comes in
early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of...

- The accountant double entry... (cumagain).

- And the #1 New Name for a Sexual Position:


The ever-famous...
"No, you gotta get your leg up higher...
no, not like that, like this...
NO it's got to be HIGHER than that.
No, like this...oh, yeah that'd work...if you were the one with the vagina...
NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE
COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind...I don't even wanna
do it anymore.
No, I won't give you head.
No, we can't try again...
Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator...
Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up! GOD!"

@@@

There were three faggots who wanted to commit suicide. The first one landed on the road and it took two weeks to scrape him off the road. The second one landed on a car and it took two months to peel him off the car. The third one landed on a flagpole and it took two years to get the smile off his face!

 

[melody]

Her Confession

The parish priest couldn't resist the pretty young girl. She was
reciting her confession, and it was all too much for him. He told her to
come with him to his room. There, he placed his arm around her.

"Did the young man do this to you?" he asked.

"Yes, Father, and worse," the girl replied.

"Hmm," said the priest. He kissed her.

"Did he do this?"

"Yes, Father, and worse," the girl said.

"Did he do this?" the priest asked, and he lifted her skirt and fingered
her bush.

"Yes, Father, and worse."

By this time, the priest was thoroughly aroused. He pulled the girl down
onto the rug and inserted his penis, breathing heavily as he asked, "Did
he manage to do this?"

"Yes, Father, and worse," said the girl.

When the priest had finished with the girl, he asked, "He did this too,
and worse? My dear girl, what worse could he have done?"

"Well," the shy young girl said, "I think, Father, that he's given me
the crabs."


SHORTCHANGED PUSSY

When the woman is extremely sexy and beautiful. She moves the right way
and oozes sensuality. When it comes to sex, she has no clue. The very
thought of stroking this Pussy can make you cum before its time. She
talks a good game but Cannot walk the talk. Kissing her is like
watching a cartoon. When she tries to guide your dick into her pussy,
she cuts it with her nails. By the time you get another boner, her
pussy is dry and feels like sandpaper. By the time you get in, you find
out that your dick is too big for her short pussy. When you go to lick
the pussy you find out that it is a little tart and now you start
thinking to yourself, "How can such a fine woman be so feeble?"
Undaunted, you decide that you're going to make the best of a bad
situation and get your rocks off when she says "Don't cum in me because
I'm not taking anything."

 

[melody]

Nude Gardening

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it.So she goes to her neighbor and says,"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"

Her neighbor replies,"Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."

She says Well, what the heck it can't hurt to try it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

"So so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."

44444

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning.

44444

Q: What was the First Commandment?
A: "Adam, eat my pussy."

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.

44444

Houdini
This guy gets drunk one night, and wakes up with a terrible hangover, and realizes he's in a motel. As his eyes come into focus, he sees a very ugly girl sitting at the foot of the bed, staring at him.

She looks at him says, "What are we going to name it?"

He picks up the rubber he used the night before, ties it in a knot, tosses it out the window, and says, "If he gets out of this we'll call him Houdini."

 

[melody]

Cadbury And Rowntree

Mr. Cadbury and Ms. Rowntree went off for the weekend...

It was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street and he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar.
He had a Rum and Butter and she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name. She said Polo, I'm the one with the hole. But I'm
the one with the Nuts he thought.

Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in and went straight to the bedroom.
Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt
the contrast of her Double Deckers.

Then he showed her his Curly Wurly.
But Ms Rowntree wasn't keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies, So
she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as
he always fancied a bit of Fudge nudging. It was a Magic Moment as
she let out of scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun
Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.

She wanted more but he decided to take a Time Out.
However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing.
So he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbert.
At the same time he gave her a Gob Stopper.
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife Caramel.

Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D.
It turns out Ms Rowntree had a Box of Assorted Creams.
She really had been with All Sorts.

========

Southwest Virginia Poem Contest of the year 2nd Place

It's winter in Virginia
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 25 below!

Oh, how I love Virginia
When the snow's up to your butt;
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Virginia
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.

======

There was a young lady from Cheam
Who tried out a breast-growing cream.
She awoke in the night
With a terrible fright--
Another had grown in between!

 

[melody]

Girl Getting Driver's License

There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's license.

She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her license.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"

Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."

===

Samples for the Doctor

A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up.
The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample".
The man replies "Right so doctor, I'll bring'em by tomorrow"
When he gets home his wife askes "Well what did he say ?"
The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear."

===

A man has been going out with this chick for 2 years, and he has never touched her in his life. One night she gets really pissed off with this (cos she's a bit of a randy mare at the best of times) and says to him, "Why haven't you ever shagged me? We've been going out for 2 years now and all you have done is kissed me and touched my tits!!"

He looks scared and replies, "Well, when I was 6 my mum told me that a girl's fanny had teeth and would bite my dick off if it came near"

She laughed like a drain and led him into the room, pulled up her skirt and showed him her eager beaver.

"See", she said, "it doesn't have any teeth!!!"

"Well", he replied, "I'm not fucking surprised with gums like that!"


Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Four Leaf Clover

Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"
* * * *
Leprechaun

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
*****
Leprechaun

Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT , opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"

* * * *
An Irish drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. Puzzled at the non-Catholic service, he proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back, ever the open-minded fellow, and says, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

* * * *
A drunken Irishman gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes later, another loud scream reverberates throughout the bar. The bartender goes to the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there"? "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I flush something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says....."You idiot--You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

[melody]

ROBIN HOOD
(The Untold Story)

You've heard the tale of Robin Hood
And how he did poor people good
There is more to this famous story
of Sherwood Forest's pride and glory
At night when all the robbing was done
The merry men would have some fun
In fact it would be fair to say
The merry men were rather gay
As Little John starts to unwind
Robin takes him from behind
As they frolic in the grass
Robin rams it up his arse
One night when they were all at play
A gorgeous maiden came their way
She sauntered up to Friar Tuck
And said "I'm Marion - wanna fuck?"
Friar could not believe his ears
"She's offering sex to all us queers!"
While he recovered from the shock
Robin presented her with his cock
Marion's clothes were off in a flash
And three merry men all had a bash
For Marion this was sheer bliss
As they filler her every orifice
When all was done she gave a whine
"Thank you boys for a lovely time.
But for your pleasure you must pay
I've got the pox - have a nice day."
"Now listen here" said Friar Tuck
"We really don't give a fuck"
"The laughs on you, you silly cow"
"We've all got AIDS - so who's fucked now!"
________

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son.
Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"
The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."
________

Two fags were walking down the street and passed a handsome guy. One
fag turned to the other and said, "See that stud there, Steve?"
"Sure."
"Well, let me tell you, he's a tremendous fuck!"
"No shit?" Steve asked.
"Well, hardly any."

 

[melody]

More Dictionary Of Obscure Sexual Terms

Angry Dragon:
Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

Arabian Goggles:
A "seldom-seen" maneuver when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forehead) It may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new.

The Bait N' Tackle:
The sailors used this one in the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed. Gone fishing!

Ballsacking:
Takes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it, always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.

Bear Claw:
A synonym for extremely large pussy lips.

Beef Curtain:
The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam.

Beer Dick:
This is what most guys get after a good night of drinking. They tend to fuck anything with a pussy while experiencing beer dick.

Blumpy:
You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.

The Bronco:
You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.

Brown Bagging It:
Sometimes you meet a girl with a body like there's no tomorrow but a face like a mangy dog. Don't let that body go to waste and let her hideousness stop you from fucking her though. Just draw the smiley face on a brown paper bag, place it over her head, and fuck away while keeping your composure and piece of mind.

Brown Necktie:
You're about halfway through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demon seed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the fun bags.

Brunski:
When a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and quickly moves his head back and forth while saying "Brunski" in a very drawn out and exaggerated manner. (There are many other variant names.)

The Bullwinkle:
The sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie styling' some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bull winkle voice tone.)

Butter Face:
When you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is nasty.

The Canine Special:
Liberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf!


The Carpet Cleaner:
While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.

The Chili Dog:
When you take a hot dump on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.

Chocolate Pizza:
Happily discovering hemorrhoids while eating a shitty brown eye.

Cleveland Steamer:
The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries.

 

[melody]

Top 10 Online Lies

10. "I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend".

9. "You're different...........I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before."

8. "I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile...............but tell me more
about yourself."

7. "I never do cybersex!! Yet here in this room alone with you, well I'm getting excited"

6. "Yes of course I'm female............"

5. "No this is my only screen name....You mean you can have more then one?"

4. "I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and guys love my body!" Male version is "I'm 6'0, great tan,
and buffed from working out"

3. "I'm not like most of the guy's here, I just want to meet so we can just have coffee and
get to know each other" (at the hotel coffee shop)

2. "I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts" (Which is true,
except it means "I'm horny and could care less, just type")

1. "Tonight my love...........our souls have touched.

@@@

Billy Joe Bob and Bubba were walking down a country road when they
came upon a young woman with a flat tire on her bicycle. Bubba stopped

to help her and Billy Joe Bob continued on down the road. Soon after,
Bubba came riding up on the bike and Billy Joe Bob asked him what had
happened.

"Well," said Bubba, "I stopped and fixed the tire for that girl and
after I did that, she took off her panties, lay down in the grass and
told me to take whatever I wanted. I chose the bicycle."

Billy Joe Bob said, "Well, Bubba, that was probably the right
choice, cuz them panties probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

[melody]

This guy was having sex with a young girl. He'd just started stroking in and out when she screamed. "What's wrong baby?" He asked, genuinely concerned. "I don't know," she answered, "It hurts a lot." "A lot? what do you mean a lot?" prompted the guy eager to finish the job at hand. "I don't know," replied the young girl, "every time you push it just hurts me." "Well maybe if you describe the pain, we can work out what's causing it." "Well Okay," said the girl, "Uhhm, the pain is excruciating." "Excruciating!" retorted the flabbergasted man, "Where the fuck does a six year old girl learn a word like excruciating!!?"

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

Dear Abby,
I've been going out with this girl for a couple of weeks now and I really like her and want to take the relationship to the next level. I have one problem though. On our first date she told me she was sick, but I can't remember if she said she had TB or VD. What should I do?
Lovelorn, Portland, OR

Dear Lovelorn:
If she coughs up a lot of phlegm and blood, fuck her.

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

Singa song of syphilis,a fanny fulla crabs
Four and twenty blackheads, twice as many scabs
When the scabs pop open, heads began to sing
Wasn't that a dirty cunt, to stick your penis in.

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

My young son asked me what happens after we die.

I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.

I guess I should have told him the truth, that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally while demons rip the rotting flesh from our bodies, but I didn't want to upset him.

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

A man is at the dentist's for a check-up. As the dentist leans over, he asks, "Well... So you had oral sex this morning?" "How did you know?" asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception. "Was it the smell on my breath?" "No" says the dentist. "Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks the man. "No" says the dentist. "Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing patience. The dentist says "There's a little bit of shit on the end of your nose."