JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Disgusting Q's A's

Q. What is black and sits at the top of a set of stairs?.
A. A quadriplegic in a house fire.
**
Q. What did the mongoloid say to his dog?
A. Down syndrome!!
**
Q: What's the definition of disgusting?
A: Stuffing a dozen oysters up Granny's cunt and sucking out 13.
**
Q. What's sicker than sick?
A. Masturbating with your grandma's ashes under your foreskin....
**
A guy rings work and says "I can't come in to work today as I`m sick"
The voice at the other end asks "How sick are you ??"
The guy says "Well I'm in bed fucking my daughter !!"
**
Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...
**
A quadruple amputee is waiting at the bus stop. The bus pulls up.
The driver says, "alright Jack, how you getting on today?"
**
Q. What's better than winning a gold medal at the Para-Olympics?
A. Having arms and legs.
**
Q: Who's always happier than a necrophilliac in a morgue?
A: A pedophile in charge of an orphanage!
**
Quit bitching about sucking my dick.
At least you don't have to worry about a dick bleeding in your mouth.
**
Q. What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest
A. Acne doesn't come over your face until your 13.
**
What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex?
It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to the woman.
**
Q. What's the second dirtiest line ever said on television?
A. "June, I'm going upstairs to help the boys pack some fudge."
**
Q. Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his porch?
A. So he could greet visitors with a handshake.
**
Q. How do you get a really old, skanky whore lubricated?
A. Stick in a couple of fingers, scratch off some scabs, and let the pus run.
**
Q. Have you heard about the new feminine hygiene spray created by SSY?
A. You know, they're the company that took the PU out of pussy.
**
Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs?
A. Matt.
Q. What do you call the same guy in the ocean?

Health Foods

This Faggot goes to the doctor and asked him to test him for AIDS.
A week later he goes back and the doctor confirms his worst
fears - the tests showed positive.
The fag is destroyed. He breaks down and begs the doctor
to prescribe him something, anything, that'll help.
"Well," the doctor says. "Go down to the health food store
and buy a kilo of prunes, then go to the chemist and get some
strong laxatives; then wander down to the supermarket and
buy a bottle of Tobasco sauce and some chilli powder. Go
home and mix it all together and heat it on the stove for 20
minutes....then drink it!"
The faggot's a bit dubious, "And that'll cure the AIDS?"
he asks.
"No," says the doctor smiling, "but it'll teach you
what your arsehole is for!"
:::::::::::::::::

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon
when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight
dress with her boobs almost hanging out.
He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so
he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman
after everyone else left the church.
When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest
lecturing voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church
dressed like that?"
"Why reverend." the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends
tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their
heads on my breasts."
"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing
his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised
his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!"
"Of course not reverend." she said. Your not plugged in yet."
A. Bob.
Q. What do you call the same guy pinned to the wall?
A. Art.
Q. What do you call the same guy on a grill?
A. Chuck.
**
Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole
as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.
They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"
The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"

 

[melody]

The Frog

This bloke was pissed as a tick, lying in the gutter outside the local, when
this frog hops past.

The bloke grabs the frog, looks it straight in the eye. and says:
"You turd of a frog - I'm gonna stick my finger up you arse till it comes outta
your mouth, then I'm gonna tear your legs off, then piss down your
throat."

Now the bloke didn't' know it, but the local cop was standing right behind him,
listening to every word he was saying.

"Listen, mate," says the cop. "Anything you do to that frog, I'm going to
do to you."
The bloke just smiled at the cop, looked at the frog and said, "Well, I guess
this is your lucky day, froggy - 'cause I'm gonna lick your arse!"

------------

A young girl walks in and sees her mother in the shower. She asks, "What's that, mommy?"
The mother says, "It's a vagina."
So the girl says, "When will I get one of those?"
"When you're a teenager," the mother replies.
Later on, the little girl walks in on her father while he's showering. "What's that, daddy?"
"It's a penis," he replies.
"When will I get one of those?" she asks.
The father says, "As soon as your mother leaves for work."

------------

Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd
had the previous night with this bloke she brought home.
"Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill asked
"The bastard called me a slut!" Mary said.
"And what did you do then?" Jill asked, shocked.
"I told him to get the fuck out of my bedroom and take his eight
mates with him!" Mary said.

 

[melody]

There once was a fellow named Dave
Who dug up a whore from her grave
She was moldy as shit
and missing a tit
But think of the money he saved

343434

Euphemisms For Impotence

1- A few parts shy of an erector set
2- Not rising to the level of impeachable offense
3- Disappointing Miss Daisy
4- Ascension Deficit Disorder
5- Bouncing the Check of Love
6- All Dolled up with nowhere to go
7- Serving boneless pork

343434

Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?
A: Walnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on a chest?
A: Chestnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on a chin?
A: Blowjob

343434

Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation:
"Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner,
go to my apartment and really make love?"

Ex-: "Over my dead body!"

Husband: "Great! But I see you haven't changed one bit"

343434

"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," reports Sadie to her
friend Sophie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant,
has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends."
"Oh, my daughter's a whore too."

343434

Q: What is the difference between a faggot and a suppository?
A: There is no difference.

Q: What do you call a fat chic wearing a diaphragm?
A: A 3/4 ton with a box liner.

Q: How can you tell if a girl is a genuine redneck?
A: When she can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time, and know what to spit
and what to swallow.

Q: Why don't women have any right to complain when their psychiatrist has
sex with them?
A: Well, he titles himself "The-rapist," doesn't he?

The newlywed Pollack didn't know what to do with his bride, so he asked her.
She told him: "Just get that thing you always play with and put it where I pee."
So he went and got his bowling ball and tossed it in the sink.


Two Convicts

Two convicts were recently released from prison
as they stood at the bus stop waiting,
one ex-con turns to the other and says 'man i'm horny'
the other ex-con replies 'yea me too'
the first ex-con tells the second 'well hey man we've been locked up
for awhile and we know how it works. how about you let me do you and then
you can do me?'
the second ex-con agrees, pulls down his pants and the first ex-con
sodomize's him.
so then it's the other's turn, and as he starts to mount his fellow
ex-con
he starts kissing the back of his neck and gently rubbing his back...
when suddenly the bent over ex-con looks back and says
'hey man none of that fag shit'

hhhhh

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. How do you get a really old, skanky whore lubricated?
A. Stick in a couple of fingers, scratch off some scabs, and let the puss run.

Q. How can you tell when your husband has an abnormally high sperm count?
A. You have to chew before you swallow.

Q: What do you do after eating a bald pussy?
A: Put the diaper back on.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

hhhhh

Some X-Rated Movie / TV Titles

*All That Jizz
*Anus the Menace
*The Cockford Files
*The Cunt of Miss October
*Enema of the State
*Fast Times on Rich Mens' Thighs
*Howard The Fuck
*Mr. Holland Groped Us
*Titti Slickers II
*The Search for the Golden Curlies
*Willy Wanker at the Fudge-Packing Factory

 

[melody]

Memo To Employees:

Subject: FW: Memo to employees:

If you don't read anything else, read the paycheck guide.
SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything.
We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach
of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be
made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases,
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share
of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the
future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance, those employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from
8:00 to 8:10; employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10
to 8:20 and so on.
If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait
until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies
employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'
supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there
is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees
better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount

Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.22
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Reassurance $0.11
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern Time $9.00
Central Time $8.00
Western Time $7.00
Pacific Time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $12.09
Various $8.01
Net Take Home $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input
should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Paul

 

[melody]

Martin went to a brothel and told the madam, "I want a girl with big
boobs and a small box." "Why?" she asked him. "Never mind!" replied
Martin.
"I'm paying for it. I want a girl with big tits and a small cooze!"
"No problem," said the madam.
"Go straight up the stairs to room 23." A few minutes later there was
a knock on the door, and a young woman walked in.
"Okay," she said," are you the guy with the big mouth and the small
dick?"

FFFFF

A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator.

The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way."

The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator!"

FFFFF

One morning a man came into the church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs,
and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell
the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said.
"Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.

FFFFF

Happiness is defined as opening your refrigerator to find your
mother-in-law's picture on the milk carton.

Q. What did the doctor say to the nervous patient who was about to have a
circumcision done?
A. "It won't be long now....!!"
Q: Why is a turd better than a woman?
A: Because after you lay a turd you don't have to hug and kiss it.
Q: Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire?
A: It's for foul balls.
Q: What tastes good on pie but not on pussy?
A: Crust.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?
A: Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been colored in yet.
Q: What's the first thing a women released from a battered women's shelter should do?
A: The dishes, if she's smart.
Q: What's worse than your best friend telling you that he's a faggot?
A: When he tells you that he fucked you that night you passed out drunk on his couch!

A Homosexual In A Bar

A homosexual went into a bar and met a big, burly man and they soon
left together. The next day the homosexual came back in the bar, all
battered and bruised, with two broken legs and his head bandaged. The
bartender asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
"Well," the homosexual replied, "that man I left with yesterday wined
me and dined me, then took me up to his apartment and gave me a bath,
powdered me down and put me in a beautiful negligee.
Then he picked me up in his arms, carried me over to the window by the
moonlight and asked me, 'Are you my little nightingale?'
"I said yes, and he replied, 'Well, fly, you little fucker, fly!' and
threw me out the window!"

======

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild
girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her
panties.
He looks between her legs, and he says,
"What's that?"
She says, "It's me lower mouth."
He says, "What do you mean, `your lower mouth'?"
She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a
mustache...it's got lips..." He says, "'as it got a tongue in it?"
She says, "Not always.
======

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild
girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her
panties.
He looks between her legs, and he says,
"What's that?"
She says, "It's me lower mouth."
He says, "What do you mean, `your lower mouth'?"
She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a
mustache...it's got lips..." He says, "'as it got a tongue in it?"
She says, "Not always.

======

What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends...

 

[melody]

Gary And Martin

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when

Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a
corkscrew.

"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Martin said. "All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.

"Straight, like normal," Gary said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a
shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.

"What did you do that for?" Martin said.

"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."

"&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

:::::::::::

Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum-sucking,
friggin assholes!

:::::::::::

The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful
that people think you married her only for her beauty.

And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy
that people think you married her only for her money.

And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle
that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot
garden hose.

Penis Treatment

Jack goes to the doctor and says, "Doc I'm having trouble getting my
penis erect. Can you help me?"

After a complete examination, the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem
with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged.
There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an
experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"

"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from
the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently, then says, "Well, the thought of going
through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for
it."

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use
his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his
girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the
middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point
of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His
penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table,
grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile,
"That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

With his eyes watering, Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't
think I
can fit another roll up my ass."

@@@

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that
her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor.
"Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams,
then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes
her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere
she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she
says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken.

 

[melody]

Clever Things to Say to Convince Your Lover to Go Down on You

~*~ "If I eat a lot of sugar first, it'll be just like those Cadbury
Creme Eggs that you like so much."

~*~ "Honey, I was thinking: you know how you like fresh salmon and
steamed clams?"

~*~ "No, I swear, Honey, the TV remote is in there somewhere. Just keep
looking."

~*~ "So, twenty bucks then?"

~*~ "No honey, that's not moss growing out of my navel -- it's
mistletoe!"

~*~ "With my thighs covering your ears, you won't have to listen to
Oprah."

~*~ "Honey, try this and tell me if it tastes funny to you..."

~*~ "At work today Brad Johnson said *his* wife could out-blow *my*
wife! Can you imagine?!?"

~*~ "Look, do you want that raise or not?"

~*~ "The Taliban has outlawed it -- it's your patriotic duty, dammit!"

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*

A gay guy walks into a barbershop. He says to the barber. "Sir how can I
make hair grow on my chest?"

The barber replies, "Go home and put Vaseline on your chest real
thick..."

That night the young man does as the barber told him. His partner climbs
into bed and reaches over to hold him and feels the slime on his chest,
he says, "What the hell is this?"

The other man replies, "The barber told me that if I put Vaseline on my
chest hair would grow..."

His partner replies, "You stupid son of a bitch, if that were the case
you would have a damn ponytail hanging out of your ass by now!"

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*

That wily old pervert St. Nick
Made good use of the curve to his dick.
He glazed the whole shaft
Painted stripes, then he laughed
As he offered young ladies a lick.

*~*~*~*~*~^~*

A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife
if she wants some.

"How hard is it?" she asks.

About as hard as my dick." he replies.

"Ok, then pour me some."


NURSERY RHYMES CHILDREN MIGHT'VE MISSED:

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

@@@

Q. What's gray, sits at the bed and takes the piss?
A. A kidney dialysis machine.

Q. Why did God invent yeast infection?
A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.

Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
A. He came home shit faced.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
A. An itchy cock.

Q. Why do women have arms?
A. Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
A. Without the hole in the middle they aren't good for shit.

Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

 

[melody]

Guide to Advanced Nose Picking

Deep Salvage Pick
Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you
probe deep into your nasal passages.

Utensil Pick
When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job
done to your satisfaction.

Extra Pick
When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you
hit the jackpot! Excitement only equaled by winning the lottery.

Depression Pick
When your sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and
fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.

Pick A Lot
What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three
digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.

Kiddie Pick
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into
your nostril with childlike joy and freedom.
And the best part is, there's no time limit!

Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a
tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the
nostril edge for stray boogers.

Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to
dessert.

Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and
you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic
pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work,
while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting....

Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it
passes the septum.
Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then
you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.

Pick And Flick
Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around
you.

Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your
fingertip.

Pipe Cleaner Pick
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your
breathing by 90%.

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

Little Johnny went to his doctor, quite worried, and asks, "Doctor,
you've gotta help me, I think I might be Gay, can you HELP me!?!"

The doctor does a thorough examination of him and says, "You seem
perfectly normal to me, I don't think you have anything to worry about.
I see no indication that you might be a homosexual. Why do you feel you
may be gay?"

"Well, every time I look in the mirror, I get an erection!" Little
Johnny says anxiously.

"Well, that has nothing to do with being gay," explained the Doctor,
"it's just because you look like a pussy."

HEIGHTS!!!
Height of Confusion: Two earthworms making love in a bowl of noodles.
Height of Pain: A monkey sliding down a knife's edge using balls as his brakes.
Height of Honesty: A pregnant woman asking the bus conductor for one & a half ticket.
Height of Foolishness: A guy peeping thru' the keyhole of a glass door.
Height of Revenge: A bastard puncturing all the condoms in a contraceptive factory.
Height of Noise: Two skeletons fucking on a tin roof.
Height of Itch: A fat man hanging (upside down) from a roof trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearasil to her nipples thinking them as pimples.
Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in prostitute's cunt.
Height of Laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.
Height of Competition: A guy peeing against Niagara Falls.
Height of Bravery: A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.
Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgustion: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology: Condom with zip
__________
A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes
torn.
His brother says, Man, where have you been?
I just got back from burying my mother-in-law
How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your
mother-in-law?
She wouldn't lie still!!

 

[melody]

Safe Sex Options

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe":

- Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

- Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

- Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

- Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

- Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

- When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

- Before fellating an anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

- Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

- You CAN get it from kissing -- tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

- To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

- If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best.
________________

The businessman spent a good half an hour in the hotel lounge
bragging to the hooker about how big his dick was. Finally she
suggested they retire to his room and check it out, and he
willingly agreed.

The guy stripped off his clothes, jumped on top of the hooker,
entered her, and said triumphantly, "Why don't you open your
mouth, baby, so I can see the end of my prick?"
"Open my mouth?" scoffed the hooker. "Why don't you wiggle your
ass so I can feel it?"
________________

In the check out at the food store
A nun was advising the poor:
"Hey you up in front!
That's too many items ,you cunt!
And no food stamps for beer ya dumb whore."

Original Jacko's Q's & A's

Q: Why's Michael cutting down on public appearances?
A: He wants to spend more time with the kids.

Q: How are Michael's friends like U.S. veterans?
A: They all get fucked in the end.

Q: How will they ensure that Michael gets a thorough body search?
A: Hire a Catholic priest to do it.

Q: What will they call the upcoming movie about Michael Jackson?
A: "The African Queen."

Q: How do we know Michael Jackson isn't really a virgin?
A: He's got children out the ass.

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson is running for President?
A: His campaign slogan is "Leave No Child's Behind."

Q: What happens when Michael talks about sex?
A: It's all very tongue in cheek.

Q: What does Michael have in common with NASA?
A: It's been 25 years since his first moon landing.

Q: What do Michael's ass and an LA jail have in common?
A: Both hold the juice.

Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: A Michael Jackson slumber party.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Willie Shoemaker have in common?
A: Both ride four year olds.

Q: How do we know Michael Jackson is ready to release another album?
A: He has a lot of stuff in the can.

Q: What will they call Michael's new TV series?
A: "Anus and Andy."

Q: What do Michael and Mrs. Perot have in common?
A: Both fuck little assholes.

Q: Why does Michael travel with a huge road crew?
A: He always has a lot of shit to pack.

Q: Why doesn't Michael sleep with boys anymore?
A: He's tired of all the cracks.

Q: Why did Michael go to college?
A: To get his Bachelor of Arse degree.

Q: Why's Michael trying out for the NBA?
A: He's a crack shooter.

Q: Why's Michael opening a sperm bank?
A: He always has a shitload of semen.

Q: Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
A: Emily Dick in son.

Q: What's the difference between Michael and a proctologist?
A: A proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in.

Q: Why doesn't Michael have orgasms?
A: The big payoff comes a couple of months later.

Q: Why has Michael been appearing on children's shows lately?
A: He has a lot to plug.

Q: What's the most difficult stain to try to remove from a little boy's
underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's makeup.

Q: Have you heard about the new Michael Jackson candy bar?
A: It's made from white chocolate, and contains no nuts.

 

[melody]

The Nine Important Men In A Woman's Life!

1. THE DOCTOR:
because he says, "Take your clothes off."

2. THE DENTIST:
because he says, "Open wide."

3. THE HAIRDRESSER:
because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown?".

4. THE MILKMAN:
because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"

5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR:
because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"

6. THE STOCK BROKER:
because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate
for a while, and then slowly fall back again."

7. THE BANKER:
because he says, "If you take it out too soon,
you'll lose interest.

8. THE HUNTER:
because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always
eats what he shoots.

9. THE TELEPHONE GUY:
because he says, "Would you like it on the table or up
against the wall?

@@@

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet
tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they
went back to the tall woman's apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said
the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs
apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd
ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had
climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk,
"Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

 

[melody]

The Farmer And His Wife

The farmer's wife walked into the barn one day and was aghast at
what
she saw in there. Instead of milking their cow, her husband was
standing with his trousers
down at the rear quarter of the bovine and humping away at it like a
mink.

Angrily she yelled at him, "That's the most depraved and disgusting
thing I've ever seen in my life! I'm going to tell everyone in the
community that you were having sex with the cow!"

The farmer, meanwhile, had finished up his task and was slowly
pulling his trousers back up when he looked at his spouse and calmly
replied, "Very well. You tell everyone I had sex with the cow and
I'll tell everyone that it's because the cow is better than you!"
___________________________________

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, "Hey Dad!
What are you doing?" His father says, "I'm filling your mother's
tank." Little Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, you should get a model that
gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."
___________________________________

An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack off the young men she loves
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves
___________________________________

With his pecker limp on the floor,
And his wife still implorying for more --
"Ten hours of screwing
Has been my undoing;
I simply can't Fuck any more!"
___________________________________

While Greeley was fucking Miss Klutz,
She said as he plunged in his putz,
"Do you love me dear Greeley?"
He answered, "Not really,
I just wanted to blow off my nuts"

 

[melody]

How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do
something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Blow Job

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with
the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four
hours, max.
3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do
just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a
peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote
on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again
for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do
as I say and no one will get hurt".

7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.
OK, seven rules.

========

There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch,
Had a catch that would latch;
She could only be screwed by Houdini.

========

Driving in the snow...

YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT BECAUSE WE CARE

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy.

If you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the
asshole in front of you!

Be careful this winter!

This has been a public service announcement.
Paul

 

[melody]

Repairs

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife
interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's
been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it
look like I have a G. E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't
think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have
Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the
front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he
says.
"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I
don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides
to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he
goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.

Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either
give him a blow job and fuck him, or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooooo! Do you see Betty Crocker written on my
forehead?

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".

 

[melody]

The Robot

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Let me tell you how she works.
If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her
right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex,
too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for
a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil
sharpener!"

=======

A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one
day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and
gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two
days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the
kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn’t been
home for so long. She replied:”These four men kidnapped me and had wild
sex with me for a week.” The husband answered: “But it’s only been two
days what do you mean a week?” She answered “I am just here to get
something to fuck’n eat.”

========

A blonde decided to commit suicide. So, she thought being hit by
a train would not be that bad. She lay with her legs spread
over the railway line. The next day in the paper it read:

Train disappeared
Reward offered

=======

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael
cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women.
I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close
behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute,
I'll go with you."

 

[melody]

Rude Song lyrics

Abraham Lincoln Rhyme

Abraham Lincoln was a good old man. He hopped out the window with his dick in hand. he said, "Excuse me ladies, just doing my duty so why not pull down your pants and give me some booty."
Mary Mary Rhyme
Mary Mary quite contrary shaved her pussy cause it was so damn hairy.
Row Your Boat Song

Roll, roll, roll your joint twist it at the end, take a puff, that's enough and pass it to a friend.

Jack and Jill Went Up The Hill Rhyme

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana, Jack got high, unzipped his fly, and Jill said "I don't wanna"

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

I'm A Little Penis Rhyme

I'm a little penis,
Long and hard,
If you want to see it,
Come in my yard,
When I get all horny,
Then I spurt,
Push me in,
And pull me out!

Jack Rhyme

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his little Dick!

Mother Hubbard Rhyme

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cubbard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over,
Rover took over
And the bitch got a bone of her own!

Peter Peter Rhyme

Peter peter pumpkin eater
had a wife loved to beat her
smacked her twice across the head
fucked her ass and went to bed

Mary Had A Little Lamb Rhyme

Mary had a little lamb
she kept it in her back yard
when she took her panties off
his wooly dick got hard

Hickory Dickory Dock

Hickory Dickory Dock
The bitch was suckin my cock
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
And dropped the bitch off at the next block!

Little Boy Blue

Little boy blue,
he needed the money.

Little Bow Peep

Little bow peep fucked a sheep
blew a horse, licked his feet,
she ate his ass so very nice
tongued his balls not once but twice.

Mary Had A Little Lamb Rhyme

Marry had a little lam
it's fleece was black as coal,
and every time it jump a fence
you could see it's pink asshole.

 

[melody]

An Opossum

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway
And run over an opossum.

Knowing that mother opossums often carry babies in their pouch,
They decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was
A baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road.
The little opossum is scared and squirming around like
Crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says,
"Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch.
Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there"
It will calm down."

She exclaims, "I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly
And nasty!"

The husband replies, "Well why don't you just hold it's
Little nose then?"

...

The young man goes into a bar and picks up a tall woman. After a night
of drinking and dancing they go back to his place. She unzips his fly
and starts playing with his dick. "Wow," he says, "you handle my penis
so well...." "I should," she replies, "I used to have one just like
it... only longer."

...

Nappy haired bitch
with eyes like a frog
I wanna bend you over
and fuck you like a dog.

.
This guy is eating this prostitutes cunt and he says, "this
tastes like rice pudding?"
"That's what all the boys say, but it's really maggots."

.
A little girl asks her father, "where do little girls come from?"
The father says, "they come from a hard-on."
The little girl then asks her father, "where does a hard-on come from?"
The father says, "little girls!"

 

[melody]

Dr. Seuss's Lesser Known Books

1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Are You My Proctologist?
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Feels a Ho
6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*** Out!
12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
13. The Bitch Set Me Up
14. I've Fallen---And I Can't Get Up!
15. Yentl the Lentil
16. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
17. Aunts in My Pants
18. Hop On Mom
19. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
21. The Grinch's Ten Inches


Little Hillbilly Johnny-Lee asks his sister if she has started her period.
"Yes", quoth she, "how did you know?"
"Hmm, I knew dad's cock tasted funny!"

How do you circumcise a Redneck?
Punch his sister in the jaw.

What's the definition of a virgin hillbilly?
A 12 year old girl who can run faster than her brothers!

What do you say to a girl from Kentucky?
Nice tooth!

What do you call a hillbilly in a suit?
The defendant.

Why did the hillbilly cross the road?
His dick was stuck in a chicken.

What does a hillbilly say after sex?
Get off me Pa, you're crushing my smokes

 

[melody]

Buy A Lesbian A Drink

A man walks into a bar and winks at a pretty girl at the other end "bartender", he says, "I'd like to buy that lady a drink."

"Don't do it," the bartender says, "She's a lesbian."

"You're crazy," he said, "She's beautiful and she winked back."

So the bartender gives her the drink.

A minute later she moves down and thanks the gentleman.

"Bartender," he says, "Give the lady another drink."

"I'm warning you," the bartender says as he hands her the drink.

After she finishes this drink she asks if he would like to see her breast.

"YES!!!" he says and the woman lifts her blouse.

After the next drink, and another warning from the bartender, she takes his hand and asks, "Would you like to touch my ass?"

The gentleman replies "OH, YES!!!, DEFINITELY!!!"

So he sits with his hand on her bottom and asks for another drink.

The bartender, thoroughly impressed by now and convinced he was wrong in his judgement obliges.

After this she asks " Are you ready to taste a hot, wet, sweet pussy?"

"THANK YOU GOD!!!", the man exclaims, and then "YES!!!!!!!"

At this the attractive lady grabs him by his tie pulls him close, kisses him and says, "Hope you enjoyed!"
>>>>>

Mary: You'll love this story from my friend who works in the ER.

Jill: What happened?

Mary: A woman came in with a cell phone shoved up her rectum!

Jill: You're kidding!

Mary: I'm not. The woman said she and her husband were playing some
"adult games."

Jill: Well, it had to be either that, or she doesn't understand the
meaning of phone sex
>>>>>

Do you ever miss the ex?

Mary: OH! All the time! You wouldn't believe how much!

Jill: Wow! I didn't think you cared about him at all.

Mary: Wait a minute! Did you say "ex" or "sex"?
>>>>>
There was a young fellow named Simon,
Who tried to discover a hymen,
But he found every girl,
Had relinquished her pearl
In exchange for a solitaire diamond.

Did You Ever Stop To Wonder What Would Happen If Your Dog's Name Was Mypenis

- Mypenis ate my homework.

- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!

- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.

- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.

- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.

- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

- I love giving Mypenis a bath.

- At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.

- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.

- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds. -

-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.

- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.

- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.

- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.

- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.

- If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.

- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.

- Help! I can't find Mypenis!

- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.

- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

- Sorry to be driving so fast officer, but i was looking for mypenis

- I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.

- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!

- Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.

- When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.

- Stop kicking Mypenis.

- When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.

- Mypenis is truly man's best friend.

- Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.

- People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention.

- Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.

- There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.

- I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.

- Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table. - Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.
yyyyyyyy

An ode to the hole
That never heals.
The more you touch it
The better it feels.
You can rub it
And scrub it
And brush it like hell,
But you will never get rid
Of that fucking fish smell.

 

[melody]

A Nun And A Priest

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized
halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was
about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their
rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were
not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they
discussed their predicament in great depth.

Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to
die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth to
see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can
look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then
agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked,
"Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man
naked, either.
Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.

Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing
hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God.
If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel
ass and lets get the hell out of here!"
________________________________

There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner.
At a quarter to eight
they sat down and ate;
And at twenty to nine it was in her.
________________________________

There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a fuck.

The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want
everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it." Claude says,
"Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework." The
teacher says, "Very good, Claude." Mary says, "The sky is very dark...
perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary." She calls
on Dirty Johnny in the back. "John?" Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got
home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants
down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."

@@@

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give
her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries,
she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give
you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges whatever
is given to her. So bear that in mind - if you give her any
crap, she'll give you a ton of shit.

{}{}{}{}{}

What defines a truly sensitive, 2011's type guy?
-He doesn't make his girlfriend blow him after he buttfucks her.

Why is having a good shit better than sex?
-Because you don't have to kiss it afterwards!

Q: What do you call a 200 lb. woman who likes to screw men and
women at the same time?
A: A bisexual built for two.

Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
A: Gladiator.

There was a young girl named Sapphire,
Who succumbed to her lovers desire,
She said "Its a sin, but now that its in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

{}{}{}{}{}

A WOMAN'S REFLECTION ON MENOPAUSE:
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able
to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking
red dent on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

 

[melody]

Jeff Foxworthy's Redneck Test
You Might Be A Redneck If . . .

. . . the highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.

. . . the auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.

. . . you own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.

. . . your third-grade class has a no-smoking section.

. . . your wife left you for last year’s winner of the hog-calling contest.

. . . your flashlight holds more than four batteries.

. . . it took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class three times to pass his driving test.

. . . you cut your wedding cake with a chain saw.

. . . you cut your toenails in front of company.

. . . a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.

. . . your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

. . . you ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6.

. . . you hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.

. . . you use a bedsheet as a sofa cover.

. . . you use the shaving cream made for tough beards . . . and so does your husband.

. . . you regularly see kinfolks on “America’s Most Wanted.”

. . . you refuse to slide in softball because you don’t want to crush your cigarettes.

. . . the emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.

. . . your car has more than two exhaust pipes.

. . . people come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.

Penchant For Anal Sex

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure
that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.

'Actually, yes, I do.' ''Does it hurt you?' he asked. 'No. I
rather like it.' 'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no
reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you
like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.' The woman was
mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?' 'Of course,
' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think people like Sarah Palin
and Rush Limbaugh come from.'
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One day an old farmer fell asleep in the top level in a 2 level hay
shed. When he woke up, he found his son having sex with his
girlfriend on the bottom level of the hay shed. He decided he
wouldn't disturb them, so he laid down and rested. After a while he
heard his son say, "Father, father up above. Give me strength for
one last shove." So the father, being smart, replied, "Son, son down
below. Get off and give your father a go."
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There was a young fellow named Charteris
Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
She said, "I don't mind,
And up higher you'll find
The place where my fucker and farter is."
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There was a young girl from Wick
Who said "mother what is a dick" ?
She said "my dear Annie"
It goes in your fanny
& jumps up and down till its sick