JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Cider

A little girls came running into the house with tears streaming down her face.
"Quick, Mummy!" she screamed. "I need a big glass of cider. Quick!"
"Why do you want a glass of cider, dear?" asked the mother.
"Because," replied the girl, "I cut my hand on a thorn and I want the pain to go away."
Confused, but weary of the child's noise, the mother poured a glass of cider and the girl
dunked her hand in it.
"It still hurts," whined the girl. "The cider doesn't work."
"What are you on about? Just tell me!" the mum said, raising her voice.
"Well," replied the girl, "I overheard my big sister saying that whenever she gets a prick
in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

99999

God created Adam and Eve and left them alone to get to know each other. After a
week He came back.
"How's it going Adam?" He asked.
"Great!" says Adam.
"Eve's just down at the river, cleaning herself up a bit - we've been at it all week."
God looked up at the sky in dismay and exclaimed, "Hell! Now I'll never get the smell
out of the fish."

99999

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business
sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse." Too late
he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his
bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose
my fucking car."

 

[melody]

Disorder In Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent -- don't miss the last one.
________________________________________
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've not forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_____________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep
, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
_____________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_____________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
____________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
____________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height
and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
_____________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?
A: Oral.
_____________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was
dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy.
____________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
____________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 

[melody]

New Jacko's Q's & A's

Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the Jackson residence?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song?
A: "And Then He Touched Me."

Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book?
A: It's called "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing."

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play
with and the other you carry your groceries in.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boy's pants were half off.

Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: "Get out of my son!"

Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand.

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy.

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q: Heard about Michael Jackson's new song?
A: "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles."

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have
decided to begin training racehorses together?
A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna
ride all the three-year-olds.

Q: Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
A: He doesn't mind reaching bottom.

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his.

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
A: The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.

Q: What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
A: Foreplay.

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalog.

Q: What does Michael Jackson reminisce about when he gets nostalgic?
A: Blowing his first nose.

Q: What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson?
A: Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt on Pepsi.

Q: What's black and comes in little white cans?
A: Michael Jackson.

Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan have in common?
A: They both play ball in the Minor League.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan?
A: One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors.

 

[melody]

You Look Terrible...

A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at
him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He
replied that he felt great.
The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said,
"What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that
there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went
to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is
the matter with you? You look terrible."
The man again replied that he felt great.
The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked
so bad.
The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the
examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look
terrible."
The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible
but that he felt great.
The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that

he definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and
looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the
subsection "feels great".
The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels
great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor,
"Tell me, what is it?"
The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina!"

yyyyy

Q. Which of the following doesn't belong?
(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) blowjob. A. A blowjob, because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

 

[melody]

Getting Ready For Work

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when
the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her
panties and ravaged her.
He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled
more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he
noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said,
"That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before,
you didn't hurt yourself did you?"

His wife said, "No, no.
I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."
==========
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex! Supersex!"

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at
him, she again said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her. He finally
answered, "I'll take the soup."
==========
Q: What's the best thing to come out of a penis when you stroke it?
A:The wrinkles.

A man was lying naked, face down on a table, with his wife rubbing his
back with toilet paper. "Augh, I hate it when you treat me like shit."

A heckler asks an overweight comedian "How come you are so fat?" The
comedian replies Well, everytime I screwed your mother, she gave me a
biscuit.

 

[melody]

Holy?

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for
one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10

in his town has been at it.

Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl
from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and
then
sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age.

After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her
from the monastery and marries her.

After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the
bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation.
They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of
petroleum jelly.

"Why the jelly?" she asks him.

"So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of
lovemaking," he replies.

"Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?"
=====
A prostitute on her period decides to catch a client anyway. She
thinks to herself: "I'll find some drunk. He won't even notice
anything."

She goes to the bar, finds a really drunk guy there, takes him to
the nearest hotel and they spend the night together.
The guy wakes up the next morning (the prostitute is already gone by
then)
and as he starts to get out of bed he sees that his hands are covered
in blood. He starts running around the room, saying to himself in
panic: "Oh my God! I killed her! I killed her!!!..."

As he runs to the bathroom he passes the mirror, stops, looks at
himself for a second and then screams:

"Oh my God!!! And I ate her too!!!"

 

[melody]

Animal Husbandry

A farmer and his wife are in bed one evening. She's knitting and he's
reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.

He looks up from the page and says, "Did you know that humans are the
only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

"Oh yeah? Prove it," she says skeptically.

He frowns for a moment, then gets up and walks out. Half an hour later
he staggers into the bedroom, sweating and gasping for breath.

"Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always
squealing, how the fuck can you tell?"
--------
Perversion

A man is finishing a physical exam and his family doctor asks:

"Everything looks okay; is there anything else you can think of?"

"Well, yes, I'd like a birth control prescription for my daughter."

"Your daughter? Why she's only 12...you don't mean she's sexually
active?"

"Nah...she just lays there like her mother."
--------
Four year old Little Johnny walked into the bathroom when his father was
having a shower.

"Daddy, daddy, what's that?" he asked pointing at his prick."

Oh, ummm, it's a squirrel!" he embarrassingly replied.

"Well it's got a hell of a big cock", he snapped back.

 

[melody]

Nasty Little Johnny

One day Little Johnny asked his dad, "What's the difference between a
pussy and a cunt?"

Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me."

He took Little Johnny to his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping
nude. "Son" he whispered, "See that brown soft furry patch? That is a
pussy."

Little Johnny asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?"

"No!" replied his father. "That might wake the cunt up."

ZZZZZZZZZZ

There once was a girl from north shore
Who'd been fucked more times than a whore
Her cunt was so wet you could drive in a 'vette
With room left to open the door

ZZZZZZZZZZ

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from
the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the
window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and yells "FUCKING CUNT!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve,
he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

ZZZZZZZZZZ

The teacher announces, "The topic of the day is describe your mother to
me as a bird, and tell me why." She leaves the kiddies for a short
while and then asks them their answers.

Kelly at the front goes first, "My Mummy's like a swan, because she's
white and elegant"

"Thank you Kelly" says teacher, and she continues going around the
class.

Bobby says "My Mummy's like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and
I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters."

"Thank you Bobby." says the teacher, and continues with the other
students.

Finally there is no one left but Little Johnny, so the teacher finally
asks him, "Johnny, what bird most resembles your mother?"

Little Johnny pipes up with "A thrush!"

The teacher, thinking she may finally have a decent answer asks, "Why is
that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because she's an irritating cun

 

[melody]

A man goes golfing with his friend, Harry. He arrives home several
hours late. His wife asks, "What took you so long?" He replies, "Oh,
Ethel, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, Harry had a
heart attack and died on the spot!" Ethel says, "Oh, darling! It must
have been awful for you!" The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen
holes of 'hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...'"
===================================================
Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain,
and that's where you get shitty ideas from.
===================================================
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A slut goes to bed with everyone and a bitch goes to bed with everyone
but you.
===================================================
That outfit you are wearing is very becoming on you. But if you
wore me I'd be cumming on you too.
===================================================
A man has 27 parts that don't work for him.

20 nails that don't nail
1 belly button that doesn't button
2 tits that don't milk
1 cock that doesn't crow
2 balls that don't bounce
1 ass that doesn't do any work

So what are you women smiling at?
You have a pussy that doesn't catch mice!

 

[melody]

Penis Stretcher

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush
tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a
certain age, a string is tied around the penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"

"No...it's turned black."

nnn

Q: Do you know why doctors slap babies on the butt after they
are born?
A: It knocks the dicks off of the dumb ones.

nnn

The little boy asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replied, "The stork brings them."
The boy, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the storks?

nnn

Bill's friend Harry went into a nightclub
and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself
at the bar, so he asked her to dance.
She agreed and they took to the dance
floor for a slow one. While they were cheek
to cheek, Harry said, "You really smell terrific.
What's that you have on?"

The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.

Then wanting to return the compliment, she said,
"You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

Honest Harry replied: "Well, I've got a hard on,
but I didn't think you could smell it."

 

[melody]

ANGER MANAGEMENT

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on
someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the
wrong number.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and
hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my
desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd
call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar
with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some
guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for..

I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot.

The idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used
to be.

So, I came up with an idea.

I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!"

(But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen.."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in
front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.

NOW, I feel better - This is Anger Management at its very best.

 

[melody]

This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic
walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his
lustful desires rise to a fever pitch.

He is just about to hard word on her when she says, "I hope you don't
mind but I'm busting to have a piss".
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why
don't you go behind these bushes".
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes.
As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling
down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches through
a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his
hand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long,
thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror "My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!".
"No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

()()()()()

It seemed all was well for old Bill
For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating
But alas--she was not on the pill.


There once was a woman named Jill
Who swallowed an exploding pill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her tits in a tree in Brazil

 

[melody]

Sperm Count

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him
to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was
empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing.
Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried.
Right hand, left hand, mouth....
still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

@@@

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to

let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her.

He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the

same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

@@@

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and
holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the
sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!",
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the
vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says
"Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him
"BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!".
So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.",
so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man
takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

 

[melody]

Goblins

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

@@@

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

@@@

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

 

[melody]

A Pig Farmer

A pig farmer in Alabama was trying to get his pigs to breed,
with no success. Every morning, he'd run outside to the barn and
perform a pregnancy test on the female pigs. Everyday, the results were
negative.
The farmer was baffled.

One day, he called the local vet and asked for some advice. The
farmer explained that he couldn't get his pigs to mate. The vet
replied, "Try artificial insemination."

"What's that?" the farmer asked.

The veterinarian said, "It just means if you can't get your pigs
to mate, you'll have to do it for them."

So the next day the farmer rounded his pigs into the back of his
pickup and headed into the woods. Soon he stopped, and one by one he
shagged each of the pigs.

Later that week, the farmer checked the pigs. None of them were
pregnant! So the farmer took the pigs out again and shagged them
really good.

After days of this, with no pregnant pigs, the farmer gave up.
One morning as he went to feed the pigs, he arrived to find that the
pigs were all missing! He ran back inside the house and shouted,
"Wife! The pigs are gone!"

His wife replied, "Honey you're not going to believe this, but all of
your pigs are sitting in your pickup, and one of them is honking
the horn."

o0o0o0o0o0

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want
me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I
find'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the
condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the
farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is
for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you

mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it,

my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it."

---------- Post added at 05:53 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 12:02 PM ----------

I Won, I Won....

Louie walks into work one Monday morning with a huge
grin on his face. One of his co-workers says, "Why
are you so happy?" Louie says, "I played Bingo for
the first time in my life this weekend and I won a
thousand bucks!"

A week later, Louie walks into work on Monday morning
and he's skipping down the hall, high-fiving
everyone. One of his co-workers says, "You win at
Bingo again?" Louie says, "No, no, it's better than
that. I bought my first lottery ticket this weekend
and I won five grand. I'm feeling so damn lucky that
I think I'm going to ask that new Hindu girl in
accounting out on a date!"

The next Monday morning, Louie is doing cartwheels
down the hall.
One of his co-workers says, "Did you win another
lottery?" Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that.
You know that Hindu girl in accounting I asked out?
Well, we had a great time at dinner, so I invited her
up to my apartment for drinks, we wind up in bed, and
the next thing I know she's giving me the best blow
job I ever had!"

The co-worker says, "Man, are you frigging lucky!"
Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. She's
blowing me, I look down, and you know that red dot on
her forehead? I scratched it . . .
.....and I won another ten grand!"

@@@

Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom

Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.

 

[melody]

Nasty Female Bashing

Q: What do you tell to a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, she has been told twice already.

Q: What is the first thing a woman does when she gets out of a
battered wives shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what is good for her.

Q: What do 54,000 battered women have in common each year?
A: They don't fucking listen.

Q: What is so great about anal sex?
A: It is warm, tight, and more degrading to women.

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt
once in a while too.

Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.

Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q. Why do men fart more than women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

Q. Why do women have orgasms?
A. It gives them another reason to moan.

Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm?
A: Call her and tell her where you are.

Q: Why don't women have brains?
A: They don't have a cock to keep them in!

A recent survey asked 100 sexually active women if their twat twitched after sex. 98% replied "No, he just rolls over and goes to sleep."

Why do women have legs?
You`ve seen the mess snails make

The three most amazing things about women are:
1 They can give milk without eating grass.
2 They can bleed for a week and not die.
3 They can bury a bone and not get their noses dirty.



Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.



They found a cure for mad cow disease:
A box of chocolate and a dozen roses

Q. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A. Because women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
A. Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

 

[melody]

The Perfect Day

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday.

8:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and
croissants, open presents - expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful
partner.

9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.

10:00 Light work out at club with handsome funny personal trainer.

10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.

12:00 Lunch with best friend a fashionable outdoor cafe.

12:45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs

1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.

3:00 Nap.

4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.

4:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.

5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full-length mirror.

7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers.

10:00 Hot shower (alone).

10:50 Carried to bed..........(freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen).

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM

6:00 Alarm.

6:15 Blow job.

6:30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sport section.

7:00 Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench who bends over a lot.

7:30 Limo arrives.

7:45 Flight in personal Lear Jet.

9:15 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club

9:45 Play front nine - 2 under.

11:45 Lunch - pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
12:15 Blow job.

12:30 Play back nine (of golf course) - 4 under.

12:15 Limo back to the airport (Several Bourbons).

12:30 Fly to Cairns.

3:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot.

4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.

5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job.

6:45 Shit, Shower and Shave.

7:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and hard porn legalised.

7:30 Dinner: lobster appetiser, Dom Perignon (1953) big juicy fillet steak followed by ice-cream.

9:00 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies.....some bending over).

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale

11:45 In bed alone.

11:50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.

12:00 Spend 10 mins laughing before falling asleep.

 

[melody]

My Side Of The Story

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone.

"Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist
told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late
getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to
realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I
had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally
got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the
time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels
against the cash register drawer to make change, and
they spilled all over the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels;
the phone was still ringing nonstop.

When I came up I
cracked my head on the open cash drawer which
made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch
of expensive perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the
floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and
I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was
tell her!"

&&&

During her annual checkup, the well constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

 

[melody]

Looking For A Root

This bloke had been stuck out in the scrub for six months, working for a cocky. When
he finally got a weekend off, he headed straight for the big smoke looking for a root.
He had no luck at the pub so he thought he'd try his luck down at the local brothel.
When he got there, there was only one girl left, but she was on the rag and had a bad dose of scabies
in her mouth.
The poor bloke was really hanging out to put his cock into something, so the
girl offered to take out her glass eye and let him fuck her eye socket.
After having the best root of his life, the bloke promised that he'd be back next time he had a weekend off.
The girl said, "Sure, OK mate. I'll keep an eye out for you."

________

An elderly couple were sitting in the old folks home when the bloke
turns to the woman next to him and says, "How about a bit of nookie?" The
woman agrees and they go along to his room.
After the act is done the guy turns to the woman and says, "If I had
known you were still a virgin I would have asked you to have sex sooner."
The woman replies, "And if I had known that you could get such a big
erection I would have taken my tights off."

________

An old couple were finding it hard to make a buck.
So after watching a TV show on rich Hollywood prostitutes, the wife thought that
this was the way to go.
The next day she put on a mini skirt and hit the streets.
The old girl returned later that night and held out $75.50 in change.
"What cheap bastard gave you the 50 cents?" asked the old man.
"They all did," she replied.

 

[melody]

Steady Eddie

Steady Eddie had just won the club snooker competition. After the big game he
was approached by a lady to go back to her place for some shafting. Well being
the stud that he is, he said "OK"
Later she's lying on the bed naked and she's wondering what's takin' him so long.
She peers through to the bathroom and he's chalking his dick up.
The minutes went by and finally he comes out but still he stops at the end of the bed
bending over, checking her out.
Well, she's just itching for it and can't stand him peering at her any longer, so she says,
"Eddie, what's keeping you?"
He replies, "Just wondering whether to go for the pink or the brown."
========
The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as
Australian citizens.
"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are Australian citizens at last! Do
you know what this means to us my dear wife?"
"Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner and I
get on top!"
========
"Daddy?" the kid asked his father. "Where did I come from?"
"Ask your mother," he replied.
"I did," the kid said. "But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I
came from a bucket."
"Hmmmm," chuckled his dad. "That's about the size of it…"
========
What's the definition of the perfect woman?
She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put a
can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. The economy model
fucks all night and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.