JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Penis Emoticons

You have seen emoticon tits, and asses. Now it is time for you to take

a gander at the Penises...

8> A Cold dick

8===> A Hot dick

C==(( ) Cave man dick (side view)

( .|=|. ) Tit screwing

} top view of a senior citizen's hard-on

:-) -: Smilie with an erection

:-( :- Impotent (Or let down).

:-( -8 Blue balls.

;-) o===8 Braggart.

:-\ 8o After a cold shower.

;-) ===8 Circumcised.

8-O --* Just before doubling over with pain.

:-) -^-: In need of some corrective surgery.

:-) :-... Taking a leak.

:-} -oo-: Taking matters into hand.

:-o ^^: After zipping up fly too fast.

B=D Short penis

B~~D Limp penis

B==Q Prince Albert penis

-> teeny pee pee

=========

A nun is walking down the street when all of a sudden a mugger
grabs the nun and drags her into the bushes and rapes her.
He then says,

"Now, what are you going to tell your Mother superior?"

The nun said, "I will tell her that I was walking down the
street and you dragged me into the bushes and raped me twice."

The mugger said, "But I only raped you once."

The nun said, "Well you're going to do it again aren't you?"

 

[melody]

Roger And His Wife At A Strip Club

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or
playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax
a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you
tonight?"
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
"No, no.
He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says
"Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?"
His wife's eyes widen.
"You must come here a lot!"
"No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger
and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?"
His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Roger follows her and spots her getting
into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him,
seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.

At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a
bitch tonight, Roger!"

XXXXX

Doctor, I'm having that dream again." the patient said.

"Oh?" The shrink replies. "Which one?"

"The one where I'm into sadism, necrophilia, and beastiality.
Should I be worried or am I beating a dead horse?"

XXXXX

Two hookers were on a street corner.
They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be

a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her
and said, "No, I just burped."

 

[melody]

My Girl Is So Big....

Her clit has a knee.

She took off all her clothes, lied in bed, spread her legs... I said to
myself, "What am I doing in this lane? I don't have exact change."

She was always fat................She was born an only twin.

She used to find money that was left under her pillow by the tusk fairy.

She was built like the Liberty Bell, only her crack was bigger.

Her last gynecologist quit........He was afraid of the dark.

I took her to Mount Rushmore, she couldn't decide which face to sit on...

Of course, she insists that she's not fat, it's just that they built
the sidewalks too close to her ass.

KLKLKLK

Q. What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
A. One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching it's ass
and the other's a chimpanzee.


Good:Your children are sexually active.
Bad:With each other.
Worse:And your wife.

Good:Hot outdoor sex.
Bad:Getting arrested.
Worse:By your husband.

Good:The teacher likes your son.
Bad:Sexually.
Worse:The teacher is a he.

Good:You go home for a quickie.
Bad:You get caught by your wife.
Worse:You're with her sister.

KLKLKLK

Mrs. Grednick, who was a little on the chubby
side, was at her weight-watchers meeting.
"My husband insists I come to these meetings
because he would rather screw a woman
with a trim figure," she lamented to the
woman next to her.

"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with
that? You'll feel better, too."

"You don't understand. He likes to do it while
I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

 

[melody]

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an
I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation". The nurse gives him a sealed
cup and directs him to a private room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't
come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I
poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"

The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."

She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"
-------------
Two gays are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his prick. "I sure wish I could do that," said the one gay. To which the other replied, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first??"
-------------
Women don't care how big your dick is. They would, but they're too busy worrying about the size of their tits.
-------------
Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS." "What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?" "Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

 

[melody]

A Small White Dot

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they had found, the first little boy
called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the
little boy. "Well, I can see that," the teacher said, "but what is so
exciting about a period?"

"Danged if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning, my sister was
missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next
door shot himself."
==============
A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife
angry and waiting for him at the door.
"Out drinking again!?" she says. "How much money did you spend this time?"
"$100," answers the man.
"$100!" she shouts. "That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!"
"Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink,
and you have your own pussy."

 

[melody]

A Chicken At The Movies

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on
his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to
know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of
course!"
"I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the
theater."
The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his pants.

He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the
theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man
unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the
movie. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is
horrified. She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man
over here has just unzipped his pants!" Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't
worry about it...you've seen one,
you've seen them all." Agnes says, "I KNOW...BUT THIS ONE IS EATING MY POPCORN!!"
============
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips,
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've
not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power'
A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time; she said 'sorry about
the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches
tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!

One Greek says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go
back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y
Jelly!"

 

[melody]

It's Going To Be A Rotten Day When...

*You wake up face down on the pavement.
*You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
*You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.
*Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
*You want to put the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
*You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
*Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
*Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angles onto the freeway.
*Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your hat.
*The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
*You wake up and your braces are locked together.
*You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
*Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
*Your income check bounces.
*You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
*Your pet rock snaps at you.
*Your wife says "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

ddddd

A guy went to his wife and said, "Guess what, I've found a great job. A 10am start, 2pm finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week in your hand!"
"That's great!" said his wife.
"Yeah, fucking unreal," the guy said, "you start on Monday!"

 

[melody]

Are They Twins?

A very loud, ugly, hard-faced broad walks into a
fine restaurant with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities
at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to to our
establishment. Charming children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The hideous bitch stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they fucking aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest
is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you
really think they look alike, shithead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe
anyone would fuck you twice!"

ddddd

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

ddddd

A guy shouted to his girlfriend, "Come here and
look at my clock!"
She walks in and finds him naked with a hard-on,
and says, "That's not a clock."
"It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!"

 

[melody]

MIRROR, MIRROR

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Should I really shave my balls?
If I don't, she'll surely bitch,
Does she care how much I'll itch?

Take the razor and lather up,
(Gawd that bitch is so corrupt)
Don't she care that I could slip?
Shave my balls - and cut off my dick?

Easy now - hands don't shake,
She'll call me "Stumpy" with one mistake.
Pubes in her teeth she really can't bear,
If I want some head - get ridda the hair.

So I shave my balls all nice and slick,
Did it up nice - without one nick!
"Feel 'em baby - they're so smooth!"
"Take off your clothes - get in the groove!"

She looks at me from our little bed,
"I'm sleepy, Baby - ain't givin' no head!"
She rolls on over - and gives me her back,
I'm so pissed off - I'm about to crack!

Next day it's breakfast in the sheets,
I spoon her bites which she gladly eats.
And I must confess I think it's fair,
That her omelet was made with pubic hair!
--------
Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to watch the squirrels climb the tree.

One day while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly.

He went home and told his mother about it and she said, "Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in your pants."

The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the same thing again.

As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants."

At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said, "Go get 'em Pussy.

 

[melody]

Sex Pills

There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife.

He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said "Take one pill for a great night." The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle.

In the morning the neighbors came over to find the man's son sitting on the porch crying.

"What's wrong?" they said. The boy replied, "Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my butt hurts and dad's in the basement yelling 'here kitty"

*****

A recent study asked a group of women if their cunts twitched after sex.
98% said "No, he just lays there scratching his balls"

***

A lesbian goes to a nutritionist because she has indigestion.
The nutritionist says "It’s simple - you are what you eat".
so the lesbian turns to her and says...
Are you calling me a cunt?"

***

Sing a song of syphilis,
A fanny full of crabs,
Four and twenty absesses,
Twice as many scabs,
When it starts to open,
A crab begins to sing
What a fucking dirty cunt to put a penis in !

*****

For a lark this strip joint has a contest, for the smelliest
cunt contest. So this Fat disgusting chick shows up with
her husband. She's so fat and lazy she has to be assisted
by her husband to the cunt stand. She blows the doors
out of this place because her cunt is so smelly. She wins
hands down. Her brave husband had stuck with her and
accepted the check for winning the contest. The
management couldn't help but ask, how do you stand the
smell. He says, "well when she first died two weeks ago,
it was pretty bad, but you get used to it."

 

[melody]

I Just Love Fishing

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide.
One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got pyorrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.

Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: When your girlfriend does a split and your best friends class ring falls out.

Q: What do you call a bloke with a one-inch dick?
A: Justin.

Q: How do faggots dispose of their condoms?
A: By Farting

Q: How do you make paper dolls?
A: Fuck an old bag.

Q: What'd you call a woman masturbating?
A: A bushwacker.

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot Chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

 

[melody]

Hot Tub Tips For Women

It is not lady like to straddle a water jet, moan in
ecstasy, then scream at the top of your lungs "Oh yes baby!"

Washing your partners back is sexy, washing your pantyhose is not!

Group nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience, but
don't spoil things by making snide remarks like "I've seen bigger
wangs on Hamsters"

It's OK to pass a joint while tubbing, it's not OK to pass gas.

Don't think you're fooling anybody by trying to pass off your
vibrator as a toy submarine.

lllll

The little boy asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replied, "The stork brings them."
The boy, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the storks?

lllll

WHY DON`T BLONDES LIKE ANAL SEX?
They don`t like their brains being screwed with.

Why did the blonde cross the road?
Never mind that, what was she doing out of the bedroom?

lllll

Three hillbilly's sitting around talking about their wives one day,
First hillbilly say's "my wifes so stupid , she bought a new washer and
dryer and we don't even have electricity",
Second hillbilly says,"awe that aie'n nothin, my wifes so stupid she
bought a new dishwasher and we don't have runnin' water",
Third hillbilly says "that ain't nothin, I looked in my wifes purse
yesterday and she bought a whole bunch of condoms, and she ain't got no
penis!"

 

[melody]

Nasty PotPouri Of Funnies

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It was not the spider that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.


Gorgie Porgie Puddin Pie.
He jacked off in his girl friends eye.
And when that eye was dry and shut.
He fucked the shit out of that one eyed slut.

LLLLL

DEAR FUCKER.....
You are my fucking friend,
And I hope you know that's fucking true.
No matter what the fuck happens,
I will stand the fuck by you.
I will fucking be there for you,
Whenever the fuck you need me.
To lend you a fuckin hand,
To do a fuckin good deed.
So, just fuckin call on me,
Whenever the fuck you need anything.
Fuck....I will always be there,
Even to the bitter fuckin end.

Words of Wisdom:

If we knew then what we know now, we would have married our cousins
instead of our sisters.

Q: What do you call a man with his fist jammed up a horses ass?
A: An Amish mechanic.

LLLLL

Tommy, Little Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about
how tough their fathers were.

"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said Harry.

"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick
that!" Tommy said.

"That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass
in 10 years... so lick that!"

LLLLL

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for
women that they take immediately before sex?
A. They're called 'Predickamints'

Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

 

[melody]

Things Overheard While Having Sex

"A hundred bucks?!? What can I get for
ten?"

"Mmmmm, yeah baby, take it off! C'mon, nice & slow ... That's goo--
AAAARRGGGG!! Disconnected again! Friggin' AOL!!!"

"Dammit! They just don't make these colostomy bags as strong as they used
to!"

"Oooh, you're so BIG! Oooh, you're so POWERFUL! Oooh, your batteries just
died!"

" ... 'Rectum? It nearly killed him.' Get it? Wait ... come back!"

"No, really, I always yawn like that when I climax."

"It's called a 'bra.' Women wear them under their clothes."

"Don't laugh -- if *all* penises were this small, birth control would be a
thing of the past!"

"OK, now put on the Deanna Troi mask and say 'Captain, I can sense your
throbbing manhood!' ...No, no, try it again with more accent!"

"Oh, Baby! Here I expected 5, and you whip out 13!!"

"Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed."

"Top 5? C'mon, it's more like the Top 3 1/2!"

"Wait! Wait! We can't start until I find my beret!!"

"Dammit Mom! Knock first!"

"OK, this time, *you* be Martha Stewart and *I'll* be Rico the gardener."

"Look, lover boy, $120 means $120 -- I don't give a shit if that works out
to $240 a minute."

"Mind if I wedge my calculator under your breast there while we're doing
this?"

"Shave it? You're lucky I washed it."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *WAS* the original body model for the Ken
doll. How in the world did you guess?"

DDDDD

Were you a more elegant chap,
I'd ask to sit down on your lap
Cross-legg'd, like a swami
For 'hide the salami',
But it seems that you're ill with the clap!

So well stacked was the new coed named Brenda
All the studs wanted to part her pudenda
But, to their dismay
they discover her first lay
Was not tom, dick ,or harry, but, Glenda

 

[melody]

Erotic Correction

Sally Jo taught erotic correction, she told her student to get an erection,
Put your dick in my mouth, move it North, move it South,
Now you're getting a sense of direction!"

Her instructions were very explicit, and more than a little illicit:
Please fill up my cunny with fresh clover honey,
And butter my buns like a biscuit.

Then wrap me up nice in a blanket, and I'll sit on your staff while you crank it.
I'll put on some feathers and laces and leathers,
And wiggle my ass while you spank it."

Now that your fingers are stinky, tie me up in some chains that are clinky,
Bring in some goats and a sheikh, then give my titties a tweak,
And now we can start getting kinky!"
Forget what the chain and the whip meant. Just get the straps and the slings and a shipment,
Of high grade Vaseline, and a strong trampoline,
and all of the other equipment!"

Now, when we get all the bedsprings a drummin', that's when I'll start in a hummin',
then quickly my dear, put it into my ear
So I'll hear the sound of it comin'!"

I don't know how much this is costing," said her student, still covered with frosting
But I can say with affinity that I've lost my virginity.
Quite frankly my dear, you're exhausting!"

ZZZZZ

John and Bruce were having gay sex. "I've got AIDS," said John, who was on top.
"Oh God!" cried Bruce.
"Just kidding," said John. "I just love the way you tighten your asshole when I say that!"

Q: Did you hear the one about the homosexual ghosts?
A: They gave each other the willies.

Daffyniton - Jell-O: Kool-Aid with a hardon.


A young nun new to the convent complained to the Mother Superior that she was suffering the pangs of lust. "Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.
"I've tried that, but you get tired of the same old thing, wick in and wick out."

 

[melody]

Thoughts To Live By

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is
due.

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters
and too young to borrow the family car.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can
happen to you the rest of the day!

«~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~»

Blonde Moments!

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress
walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there
was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying
in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was
fractured,
and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that
first-aid course.

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

 

[melody]

Twin Brothers

Once upon a time, there were these twin brother’s named John and Bill Jones. John was happily married to a beautiful woman and bill was the proud owner of a dilapidated rowboat.
One day, John’s wife up and died, and on that same day, Bill’s boat sank. A couple of day’s later, and old lady walks up to Bill thinking he was John and said, " Mr. Jones, I am so sorry for your loss. You must be really sad."
To this Bill replied," I'm not the least bit sorry. She was a rotten thing right from the start. She had a crack in the back, a pretty big hole in the front, and she smelled of dead fish.

I got so I could handle her okay, but if I let anyone else use her, she would leak like anything. The hole in front kept getting bigger and bigger, and she would take on water pretty quick.

But this is what finished her. Four guys from out of town were looking for a good time, and asked me if I would rent her out to them. I told them what she was like, but they didn't care. The problem was, they all tried to get into her at once, and that caused her to split right up the middle."
The old lady fainted on the spot. Any wonder!

%%%%%

Little Johnny was in the maths class one day when the teacher singled him out.
"If I gave you $20," the teacher began, "and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
Johnny thought for a moment and answered, "An orgy, sir!"

%%%%%

One day little Johnny was walking past his grand parents house when he noticed his grand dad sitting out on the porch in his rocking chair, wearing nothing from the waist down.
"Grandpa," said little Johnny, "why are you sitting outside half nude?"
The old man looked at his grandson sheepishly and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt and I got a stiff neck, this was your grandma's idea!"

 

[melody]

The doctor tells a male patient that he has a case of
venereal disease.

The man replies "That is impossible, I haven't been with
anyone recently. I must have caught it off a toilet seat".

Doctor says, " in that case you must have been chewing it
because you have got it in your gums!!

xzxzxz

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before
washing it.
Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several
times.
That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked,
"Do I smell like olive oil?" "No," he said, sniffing me.
"Do I smell like Popeye?

xzxzxz

Cute little 5-year old Tiffany comes home from
kindergarten and says to her mother:

"Momy, Tomi's penis is like a peanut".

Her mother, a little surprised, asks:
"why? is it because it's so small, darling?".

"No,", answers Tiffeny, "because it's so salty"...

xzxzxz

Ching Chong Chinaman went to milk a cow,
Ching Chong Chinaman didn't know how,
Ching Chong Chinaman pulled the wrong tit,
Ching Chong Chinaman covered in shit!

 

[melody]

Weekly Fishing Trip

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip.
He began his day with an 8 pound bass on the first cast and
a 7 pound on the second.
On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over
11 pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying
him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in
critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was
and that he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping
up to be his best day ever on the water.
He decided to get in a
couple of more casts before heading to the hospital.

He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his
trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10
pounds. He was jubilant Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his
wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted,
"You went ahead
and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud
of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
yourself on the pond your wife has been languishing in the ICU!
It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be
more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest
of her life she will require 'round the clock care. Feeding her,
bathing her, even wiping her ass. And you'll be her care giver
forever!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just fuckin' with ya.
She's dead. What'd you catch?"

**********

A man is lying in bed in the ICU with an oxygen mask over
his mouth. A young blonde student nurse appears to sponge his
hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles
black?"
Embarrassed, the young girl replies, "I don't know, I'm only
here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask,"Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds
his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and
takes a closer look and says,"They look very good to me,"
after giving then her expert blonde scrutiny.
Finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,
"That as very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

 

[melody]

The Morning After!
From a female perspective
(Sung to the tune of "I will survive!")

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly fucking wanker that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head,
If I'd known for just one second
I'd be in your crusty bed

I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I've fallen on the floor.
Your butt's a pimply mess,
it's just a broken-out disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that,
than at your fucking ugly face..!

I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking spirits and the beer,
Coz when I looked at you last night,
you looked just like that Richard Gere!

I can't believe, that we both shagged.
You should be wearing concrete shoes or simply bound and gagged.
I'm fucking off right now,
I'm jumping on the flippin' train
and I'm not stopping till I'm home and
washed your greeblies down the drain.

Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're a really ugly prick,
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate,
at least he's got a lovely flat.
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm stuck with you,
you twat.

It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze,
I'm going to have no stupid fun,
Coz waking up beside your mug,
Just makes me want to be a nun!

----------

The guy takes a girl back to his apartment, takes off all
of his clothes, and says, "I want you to meet my little friend!"
She takes one glance, picks up her coat and, as she
heads for the door, says, "Call me when he grows up."