Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Accountant Joke

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor and said: "Doctor I am on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period."

Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board.

Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you only.
Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings.

Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only...
Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal.

Man: I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first:

Doctor: OK. Tell me.

Man: I sleep vigilantly like a dog thinking about my work load whole night.

I get up in the morning like a horse, I go to work running like a deer
I work all the day like a donkey
I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday.
I wag my tail in front of all my bosses
I play with my children like a monkey if I get time.
I am like a rabbit before my wife
Doctor: are you an Accountant?

Man: Yes

Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the beginning itself that you are an accountant . Come man, no one can treat you better than me.

 

[melody]

Total Control

A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.

He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing the president, the war, corruption, unemployment, etc.

So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.

This didn’t have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.

Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.

Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.

He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:

"If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won’t let me sleep."

The guys continue talking.

Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.

The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep...

When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found.

Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn’t have been any stops at night).

The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.

Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.

The conductor answers that he doesn’t have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob’s joke about the water and pills.

 

[melody]

Wisdom of Age

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

 

[melody]

Busload of Politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but I didn’t believe them."

 

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If you have sex 365 times a year and you melted down all the condoms 2 make a tire, what would you call it?
A fucken Goodyear!


Sex is like playing ♠spades.♠ If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.


Big Bad Wolf told Little red riding hood lift your top so I can suck your tits. no, she said while lifting her skirt, eat me like the fucken book says!


A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. the cat fell in and the rooster laughed. The cat said, a wet pussy always makes a cock happy!


Girls have unique magic tricks, they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.

 

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What's for dinner....

A man kills a 'deer' and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged
their dad for the clue.

'Well' the father said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes.'

'The little girl screams, 'Don't eat it.... it's a fuckin arsehole'

 

[melody]

While walking down the street one day a Malaysian Boleh Minister is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.


His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let me in," says the man.


"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."


"Really, I have made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Yang
Berhormat


"I'm sorry, but we have our rules," says St. Peter.


And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of
a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front
of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.


Everyone is very happy and dressed in the finest batik there is. They run
to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they
had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly
game of golf and then indulge themselves on lobsters, caviar and the most
expensive food there is.


Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.


Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.


The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.


"Now it' s time to visit heaven."


So, 24 hours pass with the Yang Berhormat joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have
a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.


"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."


The Yang Berhormat reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think i
am better off in hell."


So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.


He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above.


The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.


"I don't understand," stammers the Yang Berhormat. "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"


The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning
just like you during an election... Today you voted."

 

[melody]

Every child is special even in making their unique mistakes

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A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." "It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."


An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

 

[melody]

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies "Your house."

******************

Label Instructions:

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

 

[melody]

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

"What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?" "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"
Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

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A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29"."I am actually 47." Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

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"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

 

[melody]

A concerned husband went to the doctor to talk about his wife. He said to the doctor, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn't reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.

He said, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replied, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

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The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

 

[melody]

Sir Alex Ferguson is sitting at home watching TV one morning when he receives a phone call
-Hello boss, it's David Beckham
-Yes David what can I do for you?
-Well boss, Posh has gone out and bought me a jigsaw to do. The problem is though none of the pieces fit together, it's impossible
-What's it supposed to be?
-The picture on the box is of a chicken, but like i said it's impossible, it's really doing my head in now, if i don't get it finished by Saturday I don't think I'll be able to concentrate on the game...
Ferguson starts to panic now.
-I'll tell you what David bring it round here and we'll both have a go
-Cheers boss, that's brilliant

About half an hour later Beckham turns up at Ferguson's house with his jigsaw under his arm. He knocks on the door and Ferguson lets him in. They walk into the kitchen, and Beckham tips the pieces onto the table. Ferguson looks down at the table and then at Beckham. -
-David, put the @#&$! Corn Flakes back in the box!

******************
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

[melody]

Husband and Wife are like Lever and Kidney

If the Lever fails, the kidney also fails

If the kidney fails, the lever can manage with the other kidney.

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3 Guys in a cannibal village.

3 Guys got caught by natives in a cannibal village. They are known for their boats that are made from human skin.

The first guy was asked," What do you want as your last wish?"
He said "Give me a boat!"

After given a boat, the guy tried to escape by using his boat to travel across the river. It didn't worked, they caught him, eat him and then made a boat out of his skin.

The second guy asked for a weapon for the last wish.

After given the weapon, he fought his way through the jungle. After he brought down 5 of the natives with him, he got caught. They eat him and made a boat out of his skin.

The third guy asked for a fork for his last wish.

The tribesmen was confused by this wish...
And then he started stabbing himself to death while screaming "Your new boat is leaking ... your new boat is leaking!"

They still killed him and then used his remains as paddles.

 

[melody]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade
students. 'Human beings are the only animals
that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of
these stories could become, asked the girl to
describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with
my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door
got a running start and before we knew it, he
jumped over the fence into our yard!
'That must've been scary', said the teacher.
'It sure was', said the little girl.
'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'...And before he could say 'Fuck', the
Rottweiler ate him!'

The teacher wet her pants laughing.......

*****************

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"