JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Naughty Little Johnny

Little Johnny was walking down the street with his mother. They stopped
outside a woman's clothing shop and Johnny's mother knew it would
embarrass him to go inside so she told him to wait outside. Before she
had a chance to go inside, Little Johnny saw a used condom lying on the
pavement.

"What is that mummy?" he asked.

His mother looked mortified when she saw the used condom and hastily
said, "Um, it's a biscuit Johnny, but it's on the ground and dirty, so
don't touch it!"

Confident that Little Johnny wouldn't touch it she went in the shop.
When she came out 10 min later she saw the condom was gone.

"You didn't eat the biscuit, did you Little Johnny?" she asked.

"Of course not, it was dirty, so I just licked the cream out from inside
it."

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

Little Johnny walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of
whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their
glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, 'Can your dog perform
other tricks?'

'But of course', Little Johnny answers, 'he can give a woman great
pleasure.'

Anxious to know more the girl leads Little Johnny and his dog into a
little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she
lies down on the bed.

The dog looks at her and does nothing.

'It's always the same thing with you!' shouts Little Johnny, 'OK, I'll
show you how to do it one last time'.

 

[melody]

Dear Abby

Dear Abby:

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as
carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia
and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a
transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters,
who are
prostitutes in Jersey City.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother
is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of
sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who
lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a
brothel.
Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her
as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested
in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute
themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin
habits.

All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancée and
look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be
totally honest with her.

So.... Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

@@@

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

 

[melody]

My Stupid Brother

I wouldn't say my brother is stupid, but.......

...He keeps forgetting I'm an only child!

...He thinks 'Oral Sex' is 'Talking' about it.

...He's depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

...He puts a bucket under the pipe when there's a gas leak.

...He has an intellect that is rivaled only by Egg plants.

...We have to make introductions around the breakfast table every morning.

...He stayed up all last night studying for his blood test.

...He sure makes my dog look smart!

...He studied all weekend for a urine test.

...He can't convert 0 feet to meters.

...He was supposed to try out for a part in Dumb and Dumber but forgot to turn up.

...He still checks the inside of his hands to see if "it" really will cause hair to grow!!

...He keeps forgetting he's my sister

...When my parents said they'd send him abroad, he asked how old she was

...But he had a battle of wits with a doorknob and lost.

...But he looked hard at the orange juice container because it said concentrate

...He forgotten that he's been dead for the last five years

...He got drunk, walked into the wall four times and said "Shit, I'm bricked in!"

...He stole a free cookie!

...He couldn't count his testicles and come up with the same number twice!

...He thinks a Toadstool is a well endowed frog

...When he got on the bus, he asked for a return. When the driver asked him
"Where to?" He replied "Back here!"

...It takes him an hour and a half to watch "60 Minutes"

...After joining the I.R.A. and being told to blow up a bus, he burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe

...He saw a sign that said "wet floor"... so he did.

...When mum said to take butter out from the fridge, he took the butter outdoors!

...He thinks Sherlock Holmes is a block of flats

...In his first airplane travel was astonished to see he was not becoming smaller in size

...I've seen bread dough with more intelligence.

...When they tested his I.Q., the score began with Minus.

...When they were handing out brains, he couldn't even find the line.

...But if you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change back.

...He thinks a woman with crabs is a seafood delicacy.

...If he had one more IQ he'd be a pot plant.

...He had just learned to count to 21 when he got arrested for indecent exposure.

...Last night, when I turned of the lights he wrote a letter to God, asking him why he didn't
pay his electric bill.

...He has to pull down his pants to count to 11

...He couldn't empty water from a boot if the instructions were written on the heel

...But then, I'm a blonde

...But I would give him a dollar for every thought he had, and still have from five dollars.

...He's trying to teach "sit up & beg" to his pet rock?

 

[melody]

Aussie Sayings:

In case 'ya ever yerself 'down-under'...........

I'm Hungry

"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."

"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."

"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."

"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."

"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."

I'm thirsty:

"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."

"I'm drier than a nuns nasty."

"I'm dry as a f**k with no foreplay."

"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."

"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."

"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."

I need to go for a pee:

"Gonna drain me dragon."

"My back teeth are floating."

"Need to syphon the python."

"Takin' the kids to the pool."

"I got to take a snakes hiss."

"Gotta go have a slash."

"Gonna go water a horse."

"I'm off to drain the main vein."

"Time to splatter the bladder."

"I'm dying for a piss ! so bad I can taste it."

"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."

I need to do a poo:

"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."

"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."

"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."

"Off to the bog to leave an offering."

"Time to snap off a grogan."

"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."

"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."

"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."

"I'm going to give birth to your twin."

"Need to choke a brown dog."

"I've freed Nelson Mandela."

"Going for a Rodney."

"Taking out the garbage."

"I gotta back one out."

"Release the Chocolate hostage"

"I gotta lay some cables for telstra"

Vomit:

"Calling for George."

"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."

"I left him a lawn pizza."

"Toss a tiger on the carpet."

"Gotta go Ralph"

Insults:

"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."

"Not enough brains to give 'imself a headache!"

"About as useful as tits on a bull."

"You must be the world's only living brain donor."

"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."

"She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."

"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."

"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."

"He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."

"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"

"Couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery."

"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"

"As ugly as a hat full of arseholes."

"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."

"Got a face like a bashed in shit can."

"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."

"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."

"Couldn't organize a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."

"About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."

"I'll kick your bum till your nose bleeds!"

"A stubbie short of a six pack."

"Seen better heads in a piss trough."

"You're as handy as shit on a stick."

"Tighter than a fish's arse."

"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."

"Face like a smashed crab."

"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."

"He could talk a dog off a meat wagon."

"Fucked in the head."

"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."

"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."

"Mate, she's as rough as a pigs breakfast."

"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."

"He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."

"She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times."

"She's two pick handles wide."

"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."

"As ugly as a bag of spanners."

"You've got a head like a dropped pie."

"He thinks his shit don't stink, but his farts give him away."

"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."

"Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."

"Your the load your mother should have swallowed"

"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."

"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs."

"As thick as two short planks!"

"you got a head like a busted watermelon"

Compliments:

"Ya bloods worth bottling!"

"He's True Blue."

 

[melody]

Sex Quiz.....

1. The most erotic experience a woman over 35 can have is:
a: having her knees rubbed with sour cream
b: simultaneously using the food processor, the blender, and the microwave
c: reading a sex quiz
d: shopping for shoes

2. When a businessman buys a red Mercedes, he is hoping to:
a: acquire a mistress
b: attract his neighbor's wife
c: preserve his youth
d: get a tax write-off

3. A marriage is in trouble when the husband brings home from the video store:
a: Kitten with a Whip
b: Sex Slaves of New Haven
c: Emmanuelle II meets Rocky IV
d: The girl who works behind the counter

4. Condoms are not recommended for use:
a: before the 15th of the month
b: after the 15th of the month
c: immediately after sex
d: children under 10

5. Religious families generally have large families because:
a: they generally have more children
b: they just have natural rhythm
c: the Bible forbids television
d: they're just lucky

6. The Bible condemns homosexuals because:
a: they go to the theater a lot
b: they look too much like heterosexuals
c: they don't keep two sets of clothes
d: it's impossible to determine who should take out the garbage

7. After their 35th birthday, fewer than 10% of women ever achieve:
a: multiple orchids
b: a satisfactory weight-loss program
c: a job that pays as much as a man's
d: comfortable shoes

8. It is not uncommon for the average male to worry about the size of his:
a: bank account
b: piano
c: office
d: necktie

9. In addition to traditional methods, AIDS can also be transmitted by:
a: petting goldfish
b: handling chicken fat
c: kissing the family dog
d: bloody bar room brawls

10. Conception has been known to occur in:
a: the ovarian tubes
b: eustachian tubes
c: the Goodyear tube station
d: back seat of a Camaro

11. "Time of the month" refers to:
a: ovulation
b: undulation
c: a new moon
d: the weekend of AFC vs. NFC championship football

12. Testosterone is a kind of:
a: Italian ice cream
b: testimony given in an Italian court
c: umpire in an Italian cricket match
d: Italian chicken fat

13. An erogenous zone is an area where:
a: women tend to fall asleep
b: women tend to develop sudden headaches
c: men tend to laugh before the punchline
d: it is forbidden to park your erogenous

14. At least 50% of males suffer from premature:
a: emasculation
b: matriculation
c: baldness
d: laughter before the punch line

15. Judeo-Christian tradition frowns on:
a: premarital sex
b: post-marital sex
c: the opposite sex
d: carnal knowledge with non-kosher animals

16. The average frequency of sexual relations is:
a: 78.8 megahertz
b: 92.3 kilohertz
c: 98.4 oyithertz
d: depends on how often your wife works late

17. Which is not considered erotic vocabulary:
a: doo-doo
b: thingamajig
c: doggie-woggie
d: Who owns this pussy?

18. In your personal experience, sex is:
a: overrated but under supplied
b: over supplied but not overpriced
c: over there but not over here
d: over

If you answered a: to all of the above.... you got some of them
right.

 

[melody]

Ballerina

One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless
sundress walks into a bar.

She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to
all the people sitting at the bar and asks, 'What man out there will buy
a lady a drink?'

The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her. At the
end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and
says, 'Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink.'

The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's
completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at
all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying,'What man out
there will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to
the barman, 'Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.'

After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the
little drunkard and says, 'It's your business if you want to buy the
lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

To which, the drunk replies, 'Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift
her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.'

SSSSS

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation. At the hotel bar,
they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate
rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to get a
hard-on. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room
he hears cries of, "One, Two, Three...Hup!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get
it up."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he
asked. "I couldn't even get on the fucking bed!"

 

[melody]

Signs Of Menopause

Hot Flashes ~ You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
Mood Swings ~ Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
Memory Loss ~ You write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
Irritability ~ Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." and your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie fucking Nelson."
Sleeplessness ~ The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
Fatigue ~ You find guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.
Mild Incontinence ~ You change your underwear after every sneeze.
Sudden Weight Gain ~ You need Jaws Of Life to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.
Female Hormone Deficiency ~ You take a sudden interest in "Wrestlemania."
Hormone Therapy ~ You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to see the Chippendales.
________

Nina completed four weeks of dental restoration with her dentist

She confided to her best friend Rosey that she had fallen in love
with her dentist and she was going to propose to him.

Rosey said, "Nina, you're young, you're beautiful, you have
dozens of men that adore you. Why is this dentist THE man for you?"

"Because," explained Nina, "he is the first man that
ever said to me ... 'SPIT, don't SWALLOW'."

 

[melody]

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a
little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss
in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your
Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out!
It's a piece of Ass!"

sssss

An uncertain young woman named Fern
Was so great she had lovers to burn.
She got into bed
With both Johnnie and Fred
And didn't know which way to turn.

There once was a lady named Mable,
whose ass was as big as a table.
"Never you mind."
said a friend of mine.
She's ready, willing, and able.

there once was a guy at a mall
who thought he was tough shit and all
he thought he was slick
when he whipped out his dick
but girls laughed cause his dick was too small

sssss

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying
home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice..

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

sssss

Seated at the breakfast table, Jill was bent over in pain, and
complained to her husband, "My head aches, I have a pain in my
stomach, and my left breast feels like it's on fire." "Poor girl,"
solaced hubby, "Here's an aspirin for your head, alka seltzer for
your stomach, and if you lift your breast out of the hot coffee, I'm
sure it won't burn so much."

 

[melody]

A woman answered a knock on her front door, and there stood
a man who asked, "Do you have a vagina?"
Shocked, she slammed the door in his face. After the same
exact thing happened three days in a row, she told her husband
all about it.
"OK," he responded, "tomorrow I'll be hiding behind the door
when he knocks. You answer him, 'Yes'."
Sure enough, she opened the door to the knock and the man
again said, "Do you have a vagina?"
"Yes."
"Then please tell your husband to stop fucking my wife."

o0o0o0

Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed
Kevin where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day
plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much
in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
Joe recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.

"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother
was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making
love to her daughter?".....

"Baaaaaaa.....Baaaaaaa" said Joe.

o0o0o0

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A: A washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks
after you dump a load into it.
Q: How do mathematicians describe the shape of a woman's pussy?
A: Cuntindicular.

Daffynition: Tampon - a beaver dam.
Q: Why do women have small feet?
A: So they can get closer to their ovens.

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

 

[melody]

Diary of a Quitting Smoker

Day 1: Shit.

Day 1 again only the next day:
Have tried to kill husband twice. Decide against washing
dishes as always have cigarette when done. Same for bathroom.
Am suddenly thinking this has upside. Eating dried fruit,
apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished
roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remind
me of cigarettes.

Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully.
Eat leftover beans from last night - that'll show him.
Walk by computer and wave occasionally. Can't sit and
write or surf as this has been main smoking area. It's
about four-o' clock now; I could have just one, I could
have just one, I could have just one. That's Mr. Nicotine.
He lives with me; 'he' could be a chick, but frankly, right
now, I don't frigging care. Decide to play fantasy game on
Playstation. Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so
game hero can save world. World doomed in my opinion.

Day 2, morning:
Woke up two hours earlier than usual. Great; two extra hours
of fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn.

Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had
desire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall.

Woke up six times during night to pee because I drank four
gallons of water "to assist my system flush poison." Am
feeling unusually testy as result of lack of sleep and
deep-seated oral fixation fantasies. Decide to either
kill or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives.
Probably both.

Day 2, afternoon:
See husband off to airport for business trip. Clean closets.

Nothing new in mail. Did all laundry out of necessity - body
of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise. Put in
extra dryer sheets (Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.) Decide
to take walk.Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet. She
is smoking a cigarette. I tell her no out of spite.

Day 3, morning:
Go through dead man's mail bag; keep catalogues for
joyous Christmas shopping. Feed rest down garbage disposal.

Day 3, Afternoon:
Call garbage disposal repair.

Day 4:
Receive visitor. Police looking for missing mail carrier
- received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair
person. Make coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried
fruit. Arrange dried fruit to make smiley faces on plate.
Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes. Burst in to
tears. Confess.

Day 472:
Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee. (Federal
crime.)

Day 478:
Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no cigarettes
to trade. Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.

Day 552:
Receive divorce papers: husband marrying tobacco heiress.
Cell-mate offers to have ex-husband whacked. Wants twelve
cartons of cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots. Decide
husband will live as price too steep.

Day 558:
Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment to cell-mate
to have defense attorney whacked. Feel better.

Day 691:
Served last meal - minister asks if anything wanted at
last moments.

Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be.
Request one last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking in
federal building, but sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke.
Ahhhhh. Feel slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric. Warden enters
cell excitedly; Governor issues full pardon due to new
Federal "It Takes a Village" crimes statute: allows for
defense appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine
withdrawal.

 

[melody]

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked
out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked
the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc
you Amelicans, too!"

http://img294.imageshack.us/img294/9132/30504104372.jpg

 

[melody]

15 Things That SEX And PARKING SPACES Share In Common~

1. You should never have to wait to find one

2. You should be able to slide right into one

3. Spaces in the front are always the best

4. When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always
suffice

5. It sucks when someone else is double-parked

6.Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back

7.It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only compact' spaces

8. A full-size car is good to find

9. People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces

10. Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying

11. We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit

12. A house isn't a home without a parking space

13. Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear

14. Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking
in the rear?

15. The better your parking techniques are the more parking spaces you can get into

==========

12 Signs He'll Be Bad In Bed

1. He still sleeps in a single bed.

2. He has bad breath.

3. He owns "Star Wars" bedding.

4. When he kisses you, the only part of his body that moves is his tongue.

5. He has fuzzy dice or a mini disco ball hanging from the rearview mirror
in his car.

6. He can't maintain eye contact with you.

7. He never misses a day of working out.

8. You've been out with him four times and he hasn't made a move yet.

9. He eats with his fingers.

10. He constantly brags about his sexual prowess.

11. He checks out his reflection in store windows.

12. Three words: puka shell necklace.

 

[melody]

A Pet For Hubby

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around
she realized that all the pets there were too expensive. She went to the
counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all
of yours are so expensive,"

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would
you like to see it?"

"$50? For a frog?" asked the woman.

The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs."

The woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a
heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd
never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it
home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband
was a bit skeptical, but said he'd try it out for sure that night.

The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give
another blow job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and
pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on.
When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at
the
kitchen table looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this
hour?" asked the woman.

The husband looks up at her and says, "If I can teach this frog to cook,
your
ass is outta here!"

----------

A hippy walks into a Bar and Grill. The waiter comes up to him and asks
him if he wants anything.
So the Hippy says 'Yeah a cheeseburger. Not too well done, not to rare,
but right in the groove.'
So the waiter brings his burger and asks if he wants anything to drink.

He says 'A cup of tea.
Not too hot, not too cold, but right in the Groove.'
The waiter's kinda getting pissed now, but he brings the tea and kinda
slams it on the table. Little while later the waiter comes back and
asks the Hippy if he wants any dessert. He says 'Yeah some ice cream.
Not
too chocolate, not too vanilla, but right in the Groove.' So the waiter

says 'Why dont you kiss my ass. Not the right cheek, not the left
cheek, but
right in the Groove!'

 

[melody]

Playing Swords

Little Johnny and his friend Billy were sitting on a street curb, bored to shit.
"Let's play swords!" Little Johnny says.
"Swords?" asked Billy. "How?"
"Simple," explains Little Johnny,
"Take off yer pants, grab yer cock, smack it till it's hard, then we whack'em together like they're swords!"
So they do, and they run up and down the street, smacking their dicks together playing swords. Then a gay man walks up to them. "What are you two boys doing?" he asked.
"We're playing swords!" yells Little Johnny,
"Wanna play with us?"
The gay man says yes, he would like to play too, so he drops his pants and joins in on the action.
An hour later, the gay man was becoming exhausted.
"I'm too tired to go on," he says, bending over,
"Just kill me so I can go home!"

----------

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady
answers, and he says, "Collect... that'll be five dollars."

She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you
sex instead."

Johnny says, "All right."
He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the
biggest dick she's ever seen...

Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge
washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.

She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."

He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."

 

[melody]

To My Dear Wife/Husband

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said you weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

===

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

 

[melody]

A Vagina

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she has a smelly vagina.
She explains the problem and the doctor tells her to take all her
clothes
off and lay on the examination table.

He inspects her quickly and then says, "Right, just give me a
second, please."

He goes behind the screen and comes back with a long stick that
has a hook on the end.

"Oh my god!" screams the woman in terror, "what are you going
to do with that thing?"

The doctor replies, "I'm going to open a window. It stinks in here."

@@@

Every Sunday, a little old lady in Florida placed $1,000 in the
collection plate.
This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity,
approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I
don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "Oh, $2,000 a week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" "He is a
veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?" "Well,
he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."

@@@

The Cabin Boy, the Captain's Joy;
A cunning little nipper.
They filled his ass
With broken glass
And circumcised the Skipper.

Mary had a little shock
For the men who wanted her fanny.
She made them grope her throbbing cock,
'cuz Mary was a trannie.

 

[melody]

Bad Day

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided
to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in
order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of
a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at
noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates
of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly
said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me
how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor
apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked.
She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him.
My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out
onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging
off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well,
I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until
he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed
in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't
die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back
inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to
throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of
was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto
the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted
stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was
so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment.

Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion.
So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said,
"Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your
day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going
to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor
apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot
of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my
stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to
catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.

But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of
his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at
the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move,
and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his
REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls
the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes
his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks
to himself.

"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom
of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The
angel says, "Please tell me how you died."

The third man says,"OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding
inside a refrigerator...."

 

[melody]

Attention All Heterosexual Men!

Are you unhappy with your lifestyle?

Do you yearn for more in entertainment than monster truck shows have to offer?

Do beer commercials leave you bored and uninterested?

Are you tired of being a decade behind in fashion?

Do you wish you had a nice apartment like the ones on "Will& Grace"?

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Act now, and you'll be on your way to living a fabulous, glamorous life as a HOMOSEXUAL!

For a limited time, homosexuals are recruiting heterosexual men to become just like us! Let us help you in your transformation from bland to faboo!

We'll give you all the steps you'll need to be a happy, healthy fairy,

like

* How to have sex with a man and not NEED the six pack of beer!

* How to make your home Architectural Digest-ready - with extra tips on antiques, throw pillows, and foreign art!

* The "secret" list of essential Madonna and Cher CDs you MUST own.

* That tongue trick invented (circa 1978) in a back alley in NYC!

* The address of Ricky Martin's "private" fan club!

* Why you must "JUST SAY NO" to bi-level haircuts!

* Dance steps for even the most rhythmically impaired and why dancing with a shirt on is a no-no unless you haven't been going to the gym.

* Why you MUST go to the gym!

* Gaydar lessons you'll finally know the truth about that unusual Uncle.

* Our "In" and "Out" list for the current week.

* Style and grooming tips no self-respecting gay man should be without (say good-bye to that uni-brow)!

* How to wear a G-string with poise and dignity (we'll even insert a few bucks to get you started).

* A dialect coach to assist in "gay lingo" learn terms like twinkie, muscle bunny, drama queen and their importance in conversation.

* Significant historical dates you'll need to know, like the year Donna Summer won her first Grammy, Barbara's wedding anniversary, and the day Judy died!

ACT NOW AND YOU'LL RECEIVE A CLOSET DOOR (removed, of course) TO SYMBOLIZE YOUR FREEDOM!
Don't delay any longer!

Don't you want to have more women hanging off you than when you were straight?

Call 1-800-GET-FABS to BEGIN YOUR LIFE AS A FABULOUS FAG!!!
Call today.
Operators are standing by!
Offer void in Kentucky and Tennessee.

 

[melody]

"Mikes Dead"

Two guys are sitting at the bar. One says, "Did your
hear the news? Mike's dead."
"Whoa! What happened to him?"
"Well, he's on his way over to my place the other day
and when he arrives outside the house he doesn't brake
properly and BOOM – he hits the curb and the car flips
up and he crashes through the sunroof. He goes flying
through the air and smashes through my upstairs bedroom
window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No, no, he survives that; that doesn't kill him at all.
He lands in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered
in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old
antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up
for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging
himself up when BANG – this massive wardrobe comes
crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking
most of his bones."
"What a way to go! That's terrible."
"No, no, that doesn't kill him; he survives that. He
manages to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out
onto the landing. He tries to pull himself
up on the banister but under his weight, the banister
breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor.
In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall
on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right
through him and into the flooring."
"Now, *that* is a most unfortunate way to go!"
"No, no, that doesn't kill him; he even survives
that; he pulls himself loose. So now he's on the
downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He
crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on
the cooker, but latches onto a big pot of boiling
water and WHOOSH – the whole thing comes
down on him and burns most of his skin off."
"What a horrible death!"
"No, no, he survives that, too. He's lying in
all that water, and he spots the phone with his
one remaining eye and tries to pull himself up
to call for help, but instead he grabs the light
switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall
and the water and electricity don't mix and so
he's lying there with the juice running through
him and can't get away from it."
"What an ugly way to die!"
"No no, he even survives *that*, then he..."
"Hold on now...just how the hell DID he die?"
"I shot him."
"You shot Mike? What the hell did you
shoot him for?"
"Well, duh! He was wrecking my house."

==========

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on the kitchen shelf?
A: Herb.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who got sick on the roller coaster?
A: Ralph.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs resting on the beach?
A: Sandy.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs flying out of the ballpark?
A: Homer.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in boiling water?
A: Stu.

 

[melody]

The Humming Sound

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming
from her daughter's bedroom.

When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a
vibrator.

'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents
and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound
coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter
naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents
and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this
time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband
watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

She asked, 'What are you doing?'
He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'

@@@

Little Johnny walks in on his grandmother having a shower. He asks her
what is that?

She replies "Oh! That is my beaver."

The next day Little Johnny walks in on his mother having a shower. He
then asks her what is that?

She replies "Oh! That is my beaver."

Johnny retorts "Oh! Grandma has one of those too. But, I think it is
DEAD, its tongue was hanging out!"