JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Naked In The Shower

A little girl goes into the bathroom one morning and catches her mom
naked in the shower. She points to her pubic area and asks, "What's
that?"

Her mom answers, "A vagina."

The little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"

Her mom answers, "As soon as you grow up."

The little girl leaves the bathroom and goes into her parent's bedroom.
Her dad was standing there naked, and she asks, "What's that?" pointing
to his pubic area.

Her dad answers, "A penis."

The little girl asks, "When am I gonna get one?"

And her dad answers, "As soon as your mom goes to work."

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^

Silas and Sally were out in the cornfield happily fucking away. It had
rained that morning and there was lots of mud on the ground, and they
found themselves sliding around a bit in the mud.

"Say, honey, is my cock in you or in the mud?" Silas asked.

Sally felt around and said, "Why, Silas, it's in the mud!"

"Well, put it back in you," he said.

After a while, Silas asked again, "Honey, is it in you or in the mud?"

"In me, honey. In me, "Sally cooed happily.

"Well, would you mind putting it back in the mud?"

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^

Q. How do you re-fit an old whore?
A. Shove a five pound ham up her pussy and pull out the bone.

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.



Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

 

[melody]

An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked
when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill
her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have
sex again--the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly tries to live by these rules. Both get really
horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep
downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each
other on the stairs--she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice
quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming
upstairs to kill you!"

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out.

A man comes over and says, "What's wrong little girl?"

The little girl, still crying, just points over to the edge of the
cliff. The man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girls
parents mangled on the rocks below.

The man turns around and, undoing his fly and smiling says, "I guess
this just ain't your lucky day"!!!

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

Little Johnny and his 5 year old twin sister were taking a bath
together.

Little Johnny asked, "Mom, why does Susie have that line between her
legs?"

His Mom replied, "Oh, that's where God anoints all little girls with His
special golden ax."

"Wow" Little Johnny exclaimed. "Got her right in the cunt."

 

[melody]

An Examination

A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is
there.
He replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it."
The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get
it out I'll have a look for you." The man jumps up onto the bed and
produces a 12-incher from his underpants. After about five minutes
examining it, the bemused doctor says, "I have to say, I can't see
anything wrong with it." To which the man replies, "I know, it's a
fucking beauty, eh?!"

***********
At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered little Jimmy with a cat up his jumper.

She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"

Little Jimmy started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the postman tell Mummy 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!"

*******
Men are like..... Lawn Mowers. If you're not pushing one around,
then you're riding it.

The Scottish farmer thought he'd caught a nasty STD. But it turns
out he was just allergic to wool.

Mary: I went shopping for bras this weekend. How depressing! I
wanted one with good support.
Jill: Have you tried under wire?
Mary: Yes, Ma'am! Unfortunately, I have graduated to steel girders!

Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?
Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.
Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?
Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

Mary: I knew right away he was a loser.
Jill: How did you know so fast?
Mary: He said he could give me "multiple organisms."

 

[melody]

Learning About Medicines

At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines. Sister
Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they
know and what they are used for.
*
The first pupil said: 'Tylenol?' 'Very good! And what is it used
for?' 'It is used for a headache.'
*
The second pupil said: 'Nytol.' 'Excellent!' said Sister Catherine.
'And what it is used for?' 'To help you sleep', replied the student.
Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra.' 'And what is it used
for, Johnny?' asked the surprised Sister catherine. 'It is used for
diarrhea.' 'And who told you this, Johnny?' 'Nobody, but every
evening my mother tells my father 'take a viagra, and maybe that
shit will get harder.''
Sister Catherine fainted.

**********

There once was a man named Roy
Who screwed a hot gal named Joy.
When he came, he did stop,
And while lying on top
Said, "I'm over come with Joy".

A Certain Sweet Girl From Key West
Was Uncommonly Large In The Chest
Any Man's Close Attention
To Her Outside Dimension
Brought His Own Measurement To Its Best

Priscilla, her breasts bouncing gaily,
Liked to screw with a friendly Israeli.
Just the thought of his schmuck
Got her ready to fuck,
Which they did six or seven times daily.

 

[melody]

Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex

A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.

You don't have to eat a fish while it's still flopping around.

You can take a leak in the bush anytime you want.

Stroking your rod won't piss off a trout.

Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay expected of
you.

Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats.

A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.

A red snapper won't cry if you call it a flounder.

You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your dick.

If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.

A smart fish knows when to keep it's mouth shut.

It's okay to cook a fish to make it taste good.

Fish bite for a guy of 60; same as they do for a guy of 20.

You're never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.

Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.

aaaaa

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a
90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's
house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered...
"I thought he was dead!"

aaaaa

A young man walked into the doctor's waiting roomed and noticed the only other
patient present was an older dude. "Wh-wh-wh-why are y-y-you h-h-h-h-here," he stuttered.
"I have a prostate problem."
"A p-p-p-prostate p-p-problem? Wh-wh-wh-what's th-that?" the young man asked.
"That means I piss like you talk."

 

[melody]

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race,
went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only
to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,"
said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled,
'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured,
'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled,
'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

gAdfg

Being older with grown children, I often tell younger parents
to enjoy them now. It's a short time between shitty diapers
to a shitty attitude.

gAdfg

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one
day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and
said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends
now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny." "Why?" one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this
close to being a turd.

gAdfg

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened
to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.

"Can I see it?" asked the second gay guy, so he promptly
dropped his pants to show off his operation.

"Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"

gAdfg

Recent medical journals now counsel doctors that, when testing stupid
people,
to refrain from telling them that they have sugar in their urine.
Otherwise, they'll go home and piss on their corn flakes.

 

[melody]

Reasons For Leaving Jobs

My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned because I couldn't Concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it.
Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory
but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add a little spice to my life
but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory;
I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes
but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center),
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
You got any ideas?
I'm opened for suggestions .........maybe you have something that WORKS..........because I don't.

()()()()()

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.
Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."

 

[melody]

Blondie Q&A's

Q. A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he
should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q. What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A. Locking the car door.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde who tried to
blow up her husband's car?
A. She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Q. Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A. They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q. What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A. Divorcee'

Q. Why can't a blonde get a drivers license?
A. Because every time the instructor says
"Let's park" she jumps in the back seat.

Q. What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Q. Why don't blondes eat Jell-O?
A. They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
little packages.

Q. What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM,
SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A. A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q. Why are there lip stick stains on the steering
wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A. Because she blows the horn!

Q. Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A. Because everybody gets a turn.

Q. Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A. Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A. She kept having affairs with men!

Q. What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A. She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q. To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A. Grade 4.

Q. What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A. 144 blondes.

Q. Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A. Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q. What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator? A. A
refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

Q. What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A. A blonde parade.

Q. What did the blonde do when she heard that
90% of accidents occur around the home?
A. She moved.

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.

Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A. Not everyone has been in a 747?

Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A. Brain tumor.

Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up

Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A. Get'em on their back and their both fucked.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A. The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q. How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A. They spread for the bread.

 

[melody]

Application For Redneck Driver's License

Last name: ________________ First name: (Check appropriate box)
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Spell S-P-O-U-S-E

Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household:___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 196_

Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Armed and Ready!

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
____Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable

How many teeth?___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles
[_] What's a paved road?

 

[melody]

ARE YOU ADDICTED ?

*Tech Support calls "You" for help.

*Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL

*When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"

*You have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's

*You have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life

*You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it

*You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences .

*You begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing

*You know more about your online friends daily routines than you do your own family's.

*You lie to others about your time online and when they complain

*You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out"

*You meet people from the Internet in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name

*That your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook

*You have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own

*You would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night online)

*You marry your cyber boyfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room

*You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time

*You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved

*You sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists

*You look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy

*You have withdrawals if you are away from the puter for more than a few hours

*You use Internet lingo in everyday life (if you still have one...hehehe)

*Your buddy list has over 100 people on it

*You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee

*You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to sign on

*You don't know where the time has gone

*You end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.

*Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had

*You get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead

*You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo

*When you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs}}} or ***Kisses***

*You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme

*Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL"

*You type faster than you think

*Being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult

*You are on the phone for a min. and need to do something else you say "BRB" or "BBL"

*You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say good-bye to everyone in a chat room.

If you are addicted send this to your friends and see if they are too.

 

[melody]

Pronounced Dead

The victim of an awful automobile accident
was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency
nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker. Removing his
clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most
massive ERECTION she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off it,
she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the
stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table
when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her
for her obscene behavior. "What's the harm?" shot back the first
nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't
complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"
"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's
dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants
you." And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work,
but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and
finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was
astonished to feel the man climax too! Looking down and seeing his
eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you
were dead!" "Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave
me that blood transfusion."
_____

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I
shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake
so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all
my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands
shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three
times!"

 

[melody]

Wishful Thinking

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman who's very cheap.

One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.

One who sucks and doesn't speak.
And promises to do so at least once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
'cause one like that would come in pretty handy.

Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
and once I'm done, she wants no more.

Oh, send me a woman who will
not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and
that's a LOT from behind!

One who'll screw till my body's a twitchin'
and brings me a beer when she
comes from the kitchen!

I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.

Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.
_______

Johnny was visiting his doctor complaining of a really painful ass.

Upon inspection, the doctor was amazed at the width of his asshole and asked him how this had come about.

'Well', replied Johnny, 'I was on safari in Africa and was raped by a huge elephant.'

The doctor was dumbfounded and said 'I'm no expert at zoology, but I was sure that elephants had long but rather thin penises.'

'That much may be true' replied Johnny, 'but the bugger fingered me off first!

 

[melody]

Ways To Piss Off A Woman!

1) In the most romantic setting possible, lean close & whisper in her
ear "Upside down and in the dark all women smell the same."

2) Use her bra as a slingshot.

3) Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do.
Then go bowling.

4) Convince her that you're having an affair. Once you've got her
thoroughly convinced, say you were just kidding.

5) Ask why she doesn't fill up with water when she takes a bath.

6) Say, "Hell no that dress doesn't make your ass look fat. You've got
a fat ass."

7) Walk around with a very large grin. When she asks what it is, start
crying and say, "Nothing. Never mind." Run to the bedroom and slam the
door.

8) Read her this list.

9) Ask her to bend over and see if you can use her to open your bottle
of beer.

10) Tell her YOU have a headache, but you are willing to suffer with it
through sex just to please her.

11) Re-arrange the dishes in the cabinets.

12) Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want
to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes."

13) Tell her you're thinking about becoming a dairy farmer and you need
to practice on her.

14) If she mentions commitment/marriage, mention anal group sex in the
same tone of voice.

15) Tell her women have two holes so close together so you can carry
'em like six-packs.

16) Tell her she's your love buffet, but the doctor has put you on a
crash diet because of a heart condition.

17) Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.

18) Fake your own orgasm while dining out.

19) When meeting her parents, ask her Mom out.

20) Or, ask her Dad out.

21) Or, ask both of 'em to join you later that night.

22) Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at
the nearest whorehouse.

23) Scream your own name during sex.

24) Ask what her name is in the middle of sex. Tell her you need to
know what to scream.

25) Tell her that her best friend was a better lay. If she protests,
say "All right. We'll have a screwing contest between the two of you."

26) After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then
faint.

27) Say "Hell yes size matters! Look at the Grand Canyon."

28) Tell her it's Saint Jism day and your religion requires you receive
a blowjob every hour for the next 24 hours.

29) While slow-dancing, drool on her back.

30) Tell her you need to borrow a bra to play golf/tennis/poker,etc.
because you lost your jock strap.

 

[melody]

Farmer Jake

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"
=======
Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fuck the bitch.....let her cook in the dark!

Q: Why don't women need watches?
A: There's a clock on the stove.

Q: What's the best thing about a blowjob?
A: The 5 minutes of silence

Q: What's the first thing a battered wife does when she comes home from the shelter?
A: The dishes...if she knows what's good for her.

Q: What do you call a bitch with no eyes?
A: A btch.

Q: Why do women wear makeup & perfume?
A: Because they're ugly and they stink.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

 

[melody]

Yo Mama's So Stupid...

Yo Mama's so stupid, I told her to buy a color TV, she came back and said what color.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she failed a survey.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she gave birth to you.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of the basement window.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk."

Yo Mama's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the 'Any' key.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said `concentrate.

Yo Mama's so stupid, I put a Scratch-N'-Sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool and she drowned.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops

Yo Mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she put a phone up her ass and thought she was making a booty call.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she thought 2pac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she was on the corner with a sign that said "Will eat for food."

Yo Mama's so stupid, she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobile home.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she got locked in Furniture World and slept on the floor.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she got shoved in an oven and froze to death.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she got locked in a meat locker and sweat to death.

Yo Mama's so stupid, when your dad fucked her she said "Doesn't it go in my mouth?"

Yo Mama's so stupid, she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network.

Yo Mama's so stupid, her latest invention was a glass hammer.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and she started ducking through traffic.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she got locked out of a convertible car with the top down.

 

[melody]

A Horny Man

This guy is really horny, but all he has is two dollars. He goes to the nearest whore house and says to the man working there, "Look, I`m really horny, but all I have is two dollars. What can I get?"
"Well, the cheapest we have is one hundred dollars. But I`ll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two dollars, I`ll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom, and leave the lights out!"
"A while later he comes back out and says "Well, the sex was pretty good but why did I have to wear the black condom?"
"You gotta show some respect for the dead!"

ADADADAD

My husband told me to find him the best penis enlargement product...
so I gave him a magnifying glass!
How do you know your girlfriend is really hot?
When you put your hand in her panties and it feels like you're feeding a horse.
If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster's feet, what would I have?
Two feet of my cock in your ass.
What do you call a bunch of men fucking mannequins?
Guys in dolls.
What do you call a soap opera starring testicles?
"Genital Hospital."
What do you call Kermit fucking Miss Piggy?
A frog log in a hog.
What do you have when a famous movie monster stuffs his dick into your beer mug?
Frank in stein.
What's the difference between exotic and psychotic?
Exotic is wearing a French tickler, psychotic is wearing French toast.
Why didn't the cross-eyed seamstress ever get a period?
She couldn't mend straight.
Why were 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 scared?
Because 7 ate 9.

ADADADAD

Two drunks are sitting in a bar when one smells something foul. He turns to the other. "Hey man," he says, "did you shit yourself?"
"Yeah," says the second drunk.
"Well, why don't you go clean yourself up?"
"I ain't through yet.

 

[melody]

A young woman said to her friend: "I didn't realize that sex could be so painful!"
"Why was he THAT big?" exclaimed her friend excitedly.
"No, when I got on all fours, the perverted bastard missed the target by about an inch!"

***

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery
room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks:
"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

***

Two couples had arranged to spend a long weekend at a country house hotel. On the drive to the hotel they shared a car and during the 2 hour journey they agreed that, to spice up the weekend, they would try a little partner swapping.
Having checked into the hotel each went on to the bedroom with their new partner. The sex started immediately. It was hot and heavy. After half an hour one of the men turned to his new partner and said.
"That was terrific. We should have done this years ago. I wonder how the girls are getting on”?

***

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

 

[melody]

If Men Got Pregnant:

* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem
* Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay
* Children would be kept in hospital until toilet trained
* Natural childbirth would become obsolete
* All methods of birth control would be 100 per cent effective
* Men would be eager to talk about commitment
* There would be a cure for stretch marks
* They'd serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes
* Men wouldn't think twins were so cute
* Sons would have to be home from dates by 10 p.m.

&&&

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

 

[melody]

"You Gotta Be Shittin Me!"

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

rrrrr

Q: What's the Latin name for a lesbian?
A: Strapadictomy.

Q: What is the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hairballs.

Q: What do you call a homo Jewish Male?
A: A Heblew.

Q: Did you hear about the homo Mountie?
A: He jumped on his whistle and blew his horse.

 

[melody]

Why Men Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
==========
Q: What is the difference between a woman and a donkey?
A: None, you can ride them both!

Q: What is the best way to brainwash your wife?
A: Stand on her enema bag.

Q: Did you hear about the new device that makes your car run 95 percent quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Q: When are beer and your mother-in-law at their best?
A: When they're cold, opened up and on the table.