JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A Blonde Moment

A blonde was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it over to
the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos....it keeps hot things hot and
cold things cold."

"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!"

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss, who was also blonde, saw it on her desk. "What's that?" she
asked.

"Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold," she replied.

"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"

"Two popsicles and some coffee."

========

Yo' momma's so fat, she fell out of bed one night and
rocked herself to sleep trying to get back up.

Yo' momma's so fat, she goes to the beach and sells shade.

Yo' momma's so fat she went to a restaurant, looked at
the menu, and just said "OK."

========

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

 

[melody]

Painting The Convent

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a
drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who
is it?", calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm
can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"
========
What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
A Genealogist looks up your family tree, and a Gynecologist looks up
your family bush.

========

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand
onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does
without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she
says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get
worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like,
"Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put
both your
hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now
clap your hands", commands the girl.

"I can't", says the guy.

The girl looks at him and says, "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

 

[melody]

Three Lads In A Pub

These three lads are drinking in a pub
when this bloke come in and starts
drinking at the bar. After a while the
bloke goes up to the group of lads,
points at the one in the middle and
says, in a drunken slur, "I've shagged
your Mum."

The three lads look bewildered and
the bloke goes back to drinking at
the bar. Ten minutes later he comes
back and announces, "Your Mum has
sucked my penis."

The three lads try and ignore him and
he goes back to the bar.

After another ten minutes he comes
back and shouts, "I've had your Mum
up the arse."

By now the lads have had enough and
the one in the middle stands up and says,
"Look, Dad, you're pissed. Now fucking
go home."

==========

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:
You're a Siamese twin and your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay and you are not. But you only have the one asshole.
Feel better?

==========

Three nuns were talking. The first nun says, "The other day, I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found pornographic magazines under his bed!"
The second nun says, "I can top that. Yesterday I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found some condoms!"
The other nuns asked, "What did you do with them?"
The second nun said, "I poked holes in them."
The third nun fainted.

 

[melody]

THE REAL MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty and you have a washboard stomach, you
are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the
boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups,
aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Nancy-pants.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like
a dog, but gay--it grooms itself constantly but never scratches
itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and
whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog...
'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!'
Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to
daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only
sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled
pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and
undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's
world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he
pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as queer
as a $3 bill. A straight man will never be heard ordering a Decaf
Soy Latte. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had
a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or
four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie,
you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man
doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of
that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a
'fressier' is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of
textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're
dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands
on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk
off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the
radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email
list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then
you are definitely on the verge of being a fudgepacker.

 

[melody]

Advice from Paul

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's *rse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every stranger who looks at you over the fence.

Men don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalized car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yogurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbors' car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Sweet corn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Weedy fellahs. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

 

[melody]

A Wealthy Couple

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they
advised their butler that they were giving him the evening
off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite
late. The couple went to the ball and dinner.

After an hour and a half, the wife told her husband that she
was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and
finish some work for the next day. The husband responded
that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very
important people who were his new business partners.

So, the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out
on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards him and
sat down very seductively. She asked him to come closer.
Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his
ear:

"Take off my dress...."
"Now, take off my bra."
"Next, remove my shoes and stockings."
"Now, remove my garter belt and panties."

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice
shouted:

"The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, your ass is
fired!"

&&&

The sweet young thing was telling the Evangelist that she had been sleeping in another bedroom since she had caught her husband sleeping with the neighbor.
"It's your duty to forgive him, my child," intoned the minister as he patted her hand. She fell into his arms gently sobbing.
"But," he added, as his grip tightened, "How'd ya like to get even with the S.O.B. first?"

 

[melody]

Truck Stop

A trucker goes into the truck stop restaurant and orders a
bowl of chicken noodle soup. After eating a little bit of
it he finds a hair in it. He starts yelling and cussing,
then storms out of there.
The waitress follows him across the street to the whorehouse.
She tells the Madam to watch the son-of-a-bitch because he
stiffed her on the tab and tip.
So the Madam goes into his room, and there he is with his
head buried between the prostitute's legs.
"LOOK AT YOU!" she screams. "You wouldn't pay for that bowl
of soup because of one lousy hair and now you got whole mouth
full of em!"
He slowly pulls his head out from between the girls legs and
says, "Yeah, and I'll tell you something else. If I find a
noodle in here I ain't payin' for this som' bitch neither!"

vvv

Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
A: Line dancing at the nursing home.

Q: Where do one legged people work?
A: IHOP!!

Q: Why did the gypsy walk carefully?
A: Because he had crystal balls.

Q: Why didn't the elephant like to play cards in the jungle?
A: Because there were too many cheetahs.

Q: What do you get when you cross a CabbagePatch doll
with the Pillsbury dough boy?
A: A short ugly chick with a yeast infection

vvv

Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!"
One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that
shit.

 

[melody]

The Confessional

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services
when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the
janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to
confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow
McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything
worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10
Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the
Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh
Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal
thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely
10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the
janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar
boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"

In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

=====

Now down in the valley of Shneel
Lived a woman who loved to reveal
With her curtains well drawn
Standing bare as a fawn
She'd do this really neat trick with an eel

A young lady says to a salesman,
"I need some batteries for my vibrator."
He motions with his finger, "Come this way..."
She says,
"If I could come that way
I wouldn't need a fucking vibrator."

Now this right old man was a sick 'un
He had a dozen hen ripe for the pickin'
He'd chase 'em around
With his trousers pulled down
And he'd say "Whatsa matter, you chicken?"

 

[melody]

Wedding Night

Little Johnny's big brother had just gotten married and spent his first
wedding night with his parents. In the morning, his mother got up and
prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her
garden and gourmet food.

She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to
breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds. After a long wait,
the family ate without them. The mother said, "I wonder why they never
came down to eat?"

Little Johnny said, "Mommy, I think..."

"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said his mother, not
wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.

At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again
called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called
again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat.

As she was cleaning the table, she once again said, "I wonder why they
never came down to eat? Once again, Little Johnny started to speak, but
mother immediately shut him up.

At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again
questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. Little Johnny once
again said, "Mommy I think..."

"Well, what is it that you think?" asked his mother rather testily.

"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last
night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"

======

Q: What did the blonde write on the postcard she sent home from vacation?
A: Hi...having a great time. Where am I?

A blonde goes to the drugstore to buy deodorant, and asks the
pharmacist what he recommended.
"How about the ball type?"
"No, this is for my boyfriend's armpits."

Q: What is the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, that it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, that it is sociology.
Q: Why do sperm donors get paid more than blood donors?
A: Because sperm donation is handmade.

 

[melody]

Alternative Ways To Say No :

I'd rather have my nipples chewed off...by a pack of wild dogs.

I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose...until the back of
his head caves in!

I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch whipped by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros.

I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine...and piss on a forest fire.

I'd rather suck cow snot...through a straw.

I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude.

I'd rather bungee jump...with the harness tied to my penis...with your mom lying naked in the landing zone.

I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back...and then find out it's the wrong one.

I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.

I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer...and then wear wool socks...in August.

I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass...after he just finished taking a shit.

I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a dull barber's razor...and no water or soap.

I'd rather french kiss a barracuda.

I'd rather butt fuck a rattlesnake... in a phone booth.

I'd rather nail my dick to the middle of a 2x4 and set both ends on fire...and try to get loose with a butter knife.

I would rather have sex with Pee Wee Herman in the daylight, without a bag to put over his head.

I'd rather drink for a week from the septic tank...of the 700 pound man next door.

I'd rather wipe my anus with barbed wire.

I'd rather insert and break a slender glass rod in my penis... then tie it in a knot.

I'd rather lick an elephant's asshole...after he had just dropped a load of steaming diarrhea.

I'd rather run naked through a rosebush garden...then jump into a pool filled with chlorine.

l would rather lie under an elephant with diarrhea...in August...with my mouth propped open.

I'd rather ride a donkey naked through the desert...with snapping turtles attached to my nipples.

I'd rather be tied to a chair...and forced to listen to Barry Manilow tunes..while having my tonsils removed with a rusty spoon.

 

[melody]

Tropical Island

Five men end up stranded on a tropical island. The only female
around is a gorilla on the other end of the island. After one
whole month the guys are all sitting around and Garry stands up
and says, "I'm so horny, I can't take it anymore!" So he grabs a
bag and storms off to the other side of the island with his pals
right behind him.

They catch the gorilla, each guy grabs an arm or leg and Garry
puts the bag over the gorilla's head. He climbs on top of the
gorilla and begins to do the nasty.

The gorilla fights and struggles and finally gets an arm free
and she wraps it around Garry's back. Then she gets both feet
free and wraps them around Garry's waist. She gets her other arm
free and grabs on to his hips and starts pulling him in harder
and harder.

Garry yells to his buddies...."Get it off!! Get it off!!

They said, "You're the one on top, we can't get her off of you."

"The bag, the bag dammit... I want to kiss the bitch!"

adadadad

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a
substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.

The first guy replies, "Well, I got my dick stuck in the neck of
the bottle."

adadadad

Q. What is the definition of a fierce competitor?
A. A guy that comes in 1st and 3rd in a jack-off contest.

What does PMS stand for?
Penis Must Suffer!

A midget slides up to a tall blonde and says, "Hey, what do you
say to a little fuck?"
She says, "Hello, you little fuck."

 

[melody]

New Cum Swallowing Tips

If you try to deep throat and are having a problem, use Chloraseptic mouth spray. It will numb your throat. I use it and can deep throat 7 inches without any problem. Also, swallow as soon as the load hits your mouth. You'll taste very little that way.
--- Bobbie Jo, Kentucky

The day before and day of an anticipated BJ, do the following: Drink plenty of water. Use a lot of nonsugar sweeteners such as stevia, Splenda, or others. They are usually more concentrated than sugar, and will not be intercepted by insulin in your bloodstream. Avoid saccharin, Nutrasweet and other artificial products, as these may be bad for your health. Add seasonings like vanilla extract, cinnamon, and fruit extracts to foods and drinks whenever possible. Make blender drinks with fresh or frozen fruit, adding the sweeteners and flavorings mentioned above. Take supplements like chlorophyll and enteric-coated peppermint. Avoid fish, beer, milk, cigarettes, red meat, garlic, onions, asparagus, and cabbage. Thank your girl for making you feel so good!
--- Anonymous, U. S.

I read in my man's Playboy about giving BJs and learned this trick. It really helps. If you make a fist when he is about to blow and place it between his balls and his asshole, it really cuts down on "the load" that has to be swallowed.
--- Anonymous, U. S.

I tell my partner to let me know when he's ready to cum, and just as he's ready to shoot, I take him all the way down. This way he cums in my throat but it's easy to swallow when he takes his Viagra and shoots it deep. It takes a little practice but when you get it right you will love the way it feels when his semen floods your throat. And of course, there's very little mess left over. Your man will do just about anything for you after you deep throat his load.
--- Anonymous, Canada

Drink orange juice before a blowjob...that way the taste is bearable...and tasty!!!
--- Anonymous, U. S.

I like to have an average or smaller cock that fits in my mouth perfectly and just put it in the back of my mouth when he cums. That way it completely skips my taste buds, and I can still feel the pulsations (which I love) and the way it feels to drink it.
--- Jared, L. A.

If you put something in your mouth and then swallow, it will make it taste a little, but ooh baby, it's worth it!! I was giving this guy head and he came in my mouth. I had a piece of strawberry gum in my mouth and I could barely taste it. If you deep throat, that works too!
--- Anonymous, Michigan

Make him cum more often so the loads won't be as big. Henceforth, a smaller load to swallow.
--- Anonymous, Nashville

Three words... Semenex, Semenex, Semenex !!!
--- Sean, Arizona

We tried the smoothie (3 times over 1 day) and the blow job was delicious! It's now part of the routine and it seemingly gets better and richer. With a shot of whipped cream it's a healthy dessert!
--- Brian, Michigan

I find that it's not the taste of cum that bothers me, it's the consistency. Therefore, I get my man to drink fruit juice a couple of hours beforehand, and I take a deep breath as he's about to cum and take him as far down my throat as I can. That way there's no icky feeling on my lips.
--- Anonymous, England

 

[melody]

Naughty Quikies

Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

Define "Egghead "
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

KY Jelly has jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the
slogan for their new product: "Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want
to put four digits where only two could fit before!"

Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis
in a knot?
"How come?"

Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
"They'll never see you coming."

What's the definition of eternity?
The length of time between when YOU come
and SHE leaves.

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.

Have you heard about the blind hooker?
You've gotta hand it to her!

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

Can you say three two-letter words that mean small?
Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws
old ladies?
A bingo machine.

If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One...men will screw anything.

What is the difference between "ooooooh" and
"aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool
from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

What is the definition of wicker box?
It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to JLo.

Q: What do you call a fag bar with no bar stools?
A: A fruit stand!

Q: Why was the cannibal walking through the jungle eating monkey shit?
A: He had just ate a Lawyer and had to get the taste out of his mouth.

Q: Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat?
A: Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.
….Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge.

 

[melody]

Thomas And Tamara

Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas's mother could meet Tamara for the first time. Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as Thomas's mother seemed to be avoiding her after the introduction.

"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should I put it, a bit on the crude side."

"Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston? That I was educated in Europe? That I attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I attended Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laude?" Tamara asked.

"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied.

"Then where in the fuck does that bitch come off with all that crude bullshit?"
=============================
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one
of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he
decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several
weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked. "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects." "What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously. "Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on."

 

[melody]

A Nursing Home

Two old men sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat.
"How are you, Richard?" asked George.
"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied
Richard.
"I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me."
"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said
George.
Richard yawned and said: "Well it does if you pull it a hundred times
in one night"!

ttttt

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on
her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his
pee-pee today!"
Before the mother could register her concern, Sally went
on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mother asked,
"Why? Really small was it?"
Sally replied, "No...salty

ttttt

Q: How do all orgies begin?
A: Everyone chews a partner.
Q: What defines the difference between a wife and a mistress?
A: A wife dresses to please her man; a mistress undresses to please him.

ttttt

A nurse showed a hot guy into a private room at the sperm bank.
Two minutes later she joined him in the room, and he asked her, "What are
you doing in here?"
"I just wondered if you need a hand."

ttttt

Women, eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching,
tummy tucks, lipo suction, colonic irrigation, botox,
pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows
plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed,
legs waxed, diets, exercise and they STILL wont take
it up the ass because it "hurts."

 

[melody]

Mujo And The Black Rider

Mujo comes to the wild west, and tired from his trip, goes to a saloon
to have a beer. As soon as he gets in, he sees everybody else leaving in
a hurry. He leans on counter and asks the bartender, "What's happening?"


"Don't you know? The black rider will be here in a few minutes."

Mujo asks, "Who the fuck is the black rider?"

The bartender replies, "I can't believe you don't know. He's the most
dangerous guy I've ever seen. You better get lost before he gets here,
or god knows what he will do if he finds you here. I'm just about to
leave myself"

Mujo thinks, "Fuck the black rider. I'll stay here and have my beer in
peace, and when he comes, I'll show him." So there's Mujo all alone in
the bar drinking his beer, everybody's gone already, so the whole place
is a bit creepy. All of the sudden he hears some steps outside of the
saloon, the door opens, and a 6 ft 5" tall man comes in, all dressed in
black, black hat, black shirt, black cowboy boots. Mujo can feel his
knees tremble - the black rider is here!

The man leans on the counter and says, "Hey, you!"

Mujo stammers, "Wwwhhho mmme?"

"Yes you, come over here" the man demands.

Mujo comes. "Yes, sir, how can I help you sir?" His voice is shaking,
and he can barely stand.

The man says, "Blow me."

Mujo thinks, what else can he do -- that's the black rider he's talking
to and he can kill him any second, so he starts doing the job .

The man starts moaning.

Muko asks, "Is everything OK sir?"

The man replies, "Yes, it's OK. But just hurry up a bit, the black rider
will be here any minute, and then we're both dead."

{{{{{

Mommy, Mommy! can I have a bike for Christmas?
Shut up son, you already have your wheelchair.
Mommy, Mommy! Who will I stay with while you are gone?
Your Grandma, dear. Now get in the coffin.

Q: How do you keep a hard-on?
A: Don't fuck with it.

Q: How are men like strawberries?
A: Because they take such a long time to mature, and by
the time they do most are rotten.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust.
If Rock Hudson ate pussy
He'd still be with us.

 

[melody]

T h e P e a r l E s c a l a t o r

The soft, smooth texture of a pearl is a perfect complement to a woman's skin.
This technique brings the two together in a way she'll never forget.

Here's What You Need:
One pearl necklace.

Here's How You Do It:
Get your woman naked. Have her lie on her back with her knees bent
and legs open wide. Sit down in between your woman's legs.

Position the fingers and thumb of one of your hands as if giving the
"thumbs up" sign. Hang the pearls off the tip of your thumb.

Now press your thumb against her vagina, just below the clitoris.
Use your other hand to pull the strand around your thumb up towards her stomach.
As you're doing this, each pearl should be brushing and stimulating your woman's clitoris.

Once you've pulled all the slack from the strand, reach down and pull it again.
The pearls will simply loop back around, running under your thumb
and over your woman's clitoris again and again.

It's up to you to determine how fast or slow you should pull the pearls.
Once you find the right speed, you will bring your woman to orgasm fairly quickly.

 

[melody]

The Flickering Candle

Here's a great technique that will add variety to your oral pleasing talents.
It's been around for centuries.

Here's What You Need

One candle.

Here's How You Do It

Get your woman naked. Have her lie on her back with her knees bent
and legs slightly apart. Light the candle and place it near your woman's head (not too close).
Usually, on top of the nightstand will do just fine.

If you've got a ceiling fan in your bedroom, turn it on low.
Otherwise, any type of fan that will move the air gently around the candle will do.

Position yourself so you can pleasure your woman orally and see the
flame of the candle at the same time.

As the air swirls around the candle and causes to flame to flicker,
duplicate the movements of the flame with your tongue.

If you like, let your woman know what you're doing so she can anticipate the movements.
It's as if the flame itself is pleasuring her.

 

[melody]

High School Sweethearts

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade.

When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters.
Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around.
He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.

Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading,
"I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed.
So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following,
"Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!"
and mailed the picture to her parents.

qqqqq

Q) Why did the guy buy his wife, a coat and a dildo for her birthday?
A) He figured if she don't like the coat, she could go fuck herself

Q) Whats warm and soft, when you go to bed, and hard, and stiff in the morning
A) Vomit

Q) Why do women have foreheads?
A) So men have a place to kiss them after a Blowjob

Q) What kind of file do you use to make a small hole larger
A) A Pedophile

 

[melody]

Blonde Quickies

Q) What is the Difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A) An Ironing boards legs are harder to get open
Q)How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A)You have to get them hot, before you put in the meat.
Q)What does an airplane and a blonde have in common?
A)they both have cockpits.
Q) Whats the Difference between a blonde and a Mesquito?
A)When you slap the Mesquito it stops sucking
Q)How do you know a blonde is having a bad day?
A)Her Tampon is in her ear, and she cant find her pencil.
Q)What did the blondes father say to his blonde daughter?
A)If your not in bed by 11 come home.
Q) How do you confuse a blonde?
A)put her in a round room, and tell her to sit in the corner.
Two blondes are walking down the Street, one blonde says look at that dog with one eye. the other blonde puts her hand over her eye and goes where.
Q)What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?
A)They both been laid all over America.
Q)Why do blondes have a hard time getting pregnant?
A)Because they blow it each time.
Q) What's the Difference between a blonde and a Toilet?
A)A Toilet wont follow you after you use it.
Q)What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A)Two tight ends and a wide recerver.
Q)What did one blondes leg say to the Other?
A)Between you and me, we could make a lot of money.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball
Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shower?
A: A shower has to be turned on to get wet.
A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."