JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY!

* A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
* Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
* We can open all our own jars
* Phone conversations last 30 seconds
* We know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
* Old friends don't care if we've lost or gained
weight
* When surfing channels, we don't have to stop on
every shot of someone crying
* Our last name stays put.
* We can leave a hotel room bed unmade.
* We can kill our own food.
* The garage is all ours.
* We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* We see the humor in "Terms of Endearment".
* We never have to clean the toilet.
* We can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
* If someone forgets to invite us to something, they can still be our friend.
* Our underwear costs $6.50 for a pack of 3.
* None of our co-workers have the power to make us cry.
* We don't have to shave below our neck.
* If we're 34 and single, no one notices.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* Where and when we pee doesn't effect our emotional well-being.
* We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
* Flowers & duct tape - and we can fix everything.
* We never have to worry about other's feelings.
* Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
* We can say anything and not worry about what people think.
* We can whip our shirt off on a hot day.
* Car mechanics tell us the truth.
* We don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice our new haircut.
* We can watch a game in silence for hours without our buddy thinking
He must be mad at me.
* One mood, all the time.
* We can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve ourselves to
look like him.
* Same work. More pay.
* Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
* Wedding dress; $2000, Tux rental; 100 bucks.
* We don't care if someone is talking behind our back.
* We don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's.
* If we retain water, it is in a canteen.
* The remote is all ours.
* We need not pretend we're "freshening up" to use the bathroom.
* We can go to the bathroom alone.
* If we don't call our buddy when we said we would, he won't tell our
friends I've changed.
* If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, we might
become lifelong buddies.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* If something mechanical didn't work, we can bash it with a hammer and
throw it across the room.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
http://maxpages.com/#
* We think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny.
Really funny!

 

[melody]

$20 Bills

A fellow went to his doctor complaining that his asshole was
feeling terribly sore. The doctor asked him to drop his drawers
and bend over so he could take a look.

"This is amazing!" the doctor said, as he pulled a $20 bill from
the fellow's anus.

Another $20 bill appeared behind the first one, so the doctor
pulled it out, too.

And then another! And another! And many many more.

Finally, the doctor had pulled the last $20 from the guys ass.
He looked at the large pile of $20 bills on his desk, and began
to count them. (I sure hope that the doctor doesn't lick his
thumb when he counts money)

Finally the doc exclaimed, "There was $1,980 stuck in your ass!"

And the fellow replied, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand!

34343434

A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out
and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."
The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer. "I want to be
hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
"As you wish," the genie replied.
So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat.

34343434

How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher?
It's cloged up with paperplates.

34343434

A macho young swimmer named Dwyer,
Really liked playing with fire.
One night in the dark
He swam with a shark,
And his voice is now two octaves higher.

 

[melody]

Prescription For Viagra

A man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra.

Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminantly, please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail.

So the next week the Man shows up with his wife, the Doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the
examining room.

The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does.

He then asks her to turn around in 360 degrees a few times then instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in various positions.

He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet the Male Patient.

"Sir", The Doctor Says.." There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either!"
-------
A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women's deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!

 

[melody]

Crap Encyclopedia: Part 1

Every once in a while each of us experiences a perfect crap. It's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is the smooth-sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver.

But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet paper only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

On the other hand (so to speak) there is:

The Beer Crap
Talk about nasty craps. Depending on the crapper's tolerance, the beer crap is the result of too many beers. It could have been two or 22, it doesn't matter.
What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy crap accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chilli Crap
Hot when it goes in and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chilli crap stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Crap
Long, curly and perfectly formed like two feet of telephone coaxial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, 'Did I do that? Where did it come from?' You leave the toilet pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Crap
In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it - where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to crap. Tip: don't ever look down the hole.

The Mona Lisa Crap
This is the masterpiece of craps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make Da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid camera, but maybe that's going too far.

The Empty Roll Crap
You're done... you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains... no, someone would say, 'Where are the curtains?' Then what would you say. The rug? Too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every 'empty roll crapper' must face... pull up your daks, tighten your arse and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

 

[melody]

Crap Encyclopedia: Part 2

The Splash Back Crap
You send the crap on its way; it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: blot instead of wipe.

The Aborted Crap
You are in mid-crap when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off; go for the phone and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you've gotta do.

The Caesarean Crap
Pain, that's what this crap and childbirth have in common. It's simply a case of too much crap trying to go through too small a hole and there's no obstetrician to help.

The Alfresco Crap
Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambience that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Tijuana Trot Crap (also known as Delhi Belly, Rabat Runs, Seskatchewan Squits, Balsall Heath Balti Bypass)
The phrase 'shit happens' really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position.

The Machine Gun Crap
You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machinegun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran - cradling his umbrella like an AK47.

The Sound Effect Crap
You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or workmates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet.
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem.
3. Drop a handful of change on the floor.

The Security Crap
You have enough on your mind when you're in the toilet without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-crap mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly.

The Cling-On Crap
For the most part you've completed your crap, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use the toilet. So you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.

 

[melody]

Not a Virgin

A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she
was not, as her fiance thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what
to do.
"No Problem," said the friend, who had just finished watching an
Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. "Just buy a piece of raw liver and
shove it up inside you. It will make you tight and he will never
know the difference."

The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom
consummated the marriage with tremendous energy in the bed, on the
floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere. She
fell asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to
find the following note pinned to her pillow: Dear Jane: Last night
was pure heaven. Unfortunately, since we will never be able to
repeat that performance, I am leaving you forever.
P.S. Your pussy is in the sink.

SSSSS

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so
she took him aside after class one day.

"Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," replied Little Johnny.

Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently, "don't you see how
silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday ... but I
don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly,

"I'll use a rubber!"

 

[melody]

Crap Encyclopedia: Part 3

The Houdini Crap
You go, then you stand up to flush and the damn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe... maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

The Hangover Crap
You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again... up down, up down. Don't you wish Mum was close by.

The Porta-Pottie Dump
Construction workers and outdoor concertgoers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, 'It's like taking a shit in an upright coffin.' It's claustrophobic and it smells bad. Best advice: go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Crap
In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump because there is nothing biblical about it. You run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The crap is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it?

The Whole Roll Crap
No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Crap
You flush the crap and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the crap to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curly-Q hangs there... love it or leave it, it's your choice.

The Encore Crap
'Ahhh!' You're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the toilet when you feel another crap on its way. You have to return for a curtain call.

The Born Again Crap
This is a dump that's going badly. You say, 'Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion.' You always get through it, but seldom keep the promises you made in desperation, because a born-again crap is like childbirth - you forget the pain quickly.

 

[melody]

Making Love

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

xzxzxz

Interesting health fact :

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the
eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving
people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it
doesn't bring a tear to your eye!!

xzxzxz

How can you tell that Grandma's sex drive is alive and well?
She keeps baking those Viagra Chip Cookies!

What is the difference between a good lawyer and a great Lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law and a great lawyer knows the judge.

What's the difference between a police car and a porcupine?
Porcupines have pricks on the outside

How do you spell clitoris?"
I don't know, but I had it on the tip of my tongue just a moment ago.

 

[melody]

Kindergarten Teacher

A kindergarten teacher comes to class and says, "Today class I am going
to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word
that begins with that letter." She begins with the letter "A" and all the
kids raise their hands. There is one kid in the back named Johnny that is real
eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that he is always
vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses on little Mary to
answer. Mary stands and says,"A...Apple" The teacher replies,"That's
great, Mary, good job." So she moves on to the letter "B", and again
Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the teacher is sure
that he will probably say "Bitch" or something like that so she calls on
Todd.
Todd says,"B...Baseball." And the teacher replies,"Good Job, Todd."
So they start going through the alphabet and the class' attention
dwindles, except for Johnny. The teacher comes to the letter "R" and no
one, except for Johnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call
on him. "Okay Johnny, what starts with R?" she says. "R...Rat" Johnny
replies. "Rat, ...that's it...rat?" the teacher questions with
astonishment. "Yeah," says Johnny, "Big-ass mother-fuckin' rat with a
dick 12 inches long."

oyoyoy

A boy walks into the bathroom and catches his mom sitting on the bowl in
her full glory.
He runs out to tell his father. He asks his father "What's that big gash
between mommy's legs?"
The father replies, "That's where I accidentally hit her with an axe!"
The boy replies "WOW, you got her right in the pussy!"

 

[melody]

Old People Jokes

Two old women were talking about their lives since they had become care home residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had moved in.
The other woman said that her sex life was great, "I put both legs behind my head and when he comes out and sees me like that my husband gets really excited. We have wild sex all night!"
"Is that right?" said Ethel, "Well then, I'm going to try tonight!"
That evening, while Ethel's husband was in the bathroom getting ready for bed, she took off all her clothes. And although it's a struggle, she manages to get both legs behind her head. No sooner has she accomplished this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.
It wasn't too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face, he yells, "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!!"
________

An old couple were finding it hard to make ends meet. So after watching a TV show on Hollywood prostitutes the wife thought that this was the way to go.
The next day she put on a mini skirt and hit the streets. The old girl returned later that night and held out $75.50 in change.
"What cheap motherfucker gave you the 50 cents?" asked her husband.
"They all did!" she replied.
________

An old man walked into a brothel one day and said to the madam, "I would really like a young girl for the night"
"How old are you then sir?" asked the madam.
"I am 98 years old and still going strong, cough, cough!"
"Ninety Eight?!" said the madam, "Don't you realise that you've had it?"
"Oh, really?" replied the old man, "How much do I owe you?"
_______

An elderly man was driving down the M62 motorway one day when his wife rang him on his cell phone.
"Arthur," his wife shouted, "Be careful when your driving back. I just heard that there is a maniac on the motorway and driving the wrong way!"
"It's not just one," Arthur replied, "There are fucking hundreds of them!"
______

An elderly couple in their 90's decide to get divorced so they go to their lawyer to sort things out.
"Wow," said the lawyer, "at your age, and after 70 years of married life. What brought about this decision?"
"Well you see," explained the couple, "We wanted to wait until the children were dead!"
________

Why do old men take Viagara?
It stops them from rolling out of bed!

Why don't old men eat their wives out?
Have you ever pulled grilled cheese apart?

What do you call a condom in an old folks home?
Software!

What's 60 feet long and smells of piss?
The conga at the old folks home!

 

[melody]

A French Restaurant

A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and he spoke no French. When the waiter asked his choice, he told the waiter to bring out the restaurant's specialty.

The man had a truly fantastic meal.

The waiter asked if the man wanted dessert. He responded that the waiter should bring out the restaurant's specialty.

The waiter that it was the peach poosay, and he would order it for him.

A short time later, a waitress came out with a covered silver platter. She took the cover off and there was a peach that had been quartered and pitted.

The waitress proceeded to raise her skirt and take a piece of the peach and push it in and out of her vagina!

She then picked up the rest of the pieces and did the same thing with them.

The man called the waiter over an asked, "Am I actually expected to eat the peach after that?"

The waiter responded, "Why, no, Monsieur. You eat the poosay."
_________

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

"Fuck you," she said. "You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."
_________

It was the first day of school, and the teacher was calling the
roll. She came to a strange name. The boy's name was I P.P.
Rainwater. She called it out. When the youngster stood up, the
teacher demanded he tell her his real name, or leave her class.
As he was leaving, he looked over at his younger brother and said,
"Come on Shithead. She won't believe you either."

 

[melody]

Blonde And A Brunette

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are in the copy room
of their office building when the red head goes over to
the corner of the room.

She stands with a puzzled look on her face for a second
then says 'This looks like a semen stain'.

The brunette walks over to look as well as touch the
stain. She says 'Looks and feels like semen.'

The blonde comes over, looks at, touches, then tastes the
stain. She says 'looks like it, feels like it and tastes
like it, but it's not from any man in this office.'

=======

A little old man went into a drug store to buy Viagra. He says, "Can I
have six tablets, and can you cut them into quarters for me?"

"I can cut them into quarters, sir," says the pharmacist, "but a quarter
won't give you a full erection."

"I don't mind," says the old man. "I'm 96 and don't have any use for an
erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my
slippers."

=======

Q: What is the only time a chick should fake an orgasm?
A: When she has a Pitbull humping her leg.

Q: What is the definition of a Tampon?
A: A beaver dam.

Q: What is the difference between pussy and apple pie?
A: You can eat your mom's apple pie.

Q: Why does a dog lick his ass?
A: Because he knows in 5 minutes he'll be licking your face.

 

[melody]

NEW LA Drivers Exam...

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:___________________ Stage name: ____________________
Agent:___________________ Attorney:_______________________
Therapist name:_________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
*If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading

Please indicate how many times
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should :
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best.
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH.
b) drive twice as fast as usual.
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway.
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) using your directional signals.
b) what is a "directional signal"?

Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) the wiper blades
b) the belts
c) the horn

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) dark, poorly lit roads
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) revenge!

Your rear view mirror is for:
a) watching for approaching cars
b) watching for approaching police cars
c) checking your hair

 

[melody]

Daniel Morgan

There was a man named Daniel Morgan
Who had a tiny sexual organ
He gave the girls a sudden shock
When they held his tiny cock

He laboured hard to find a cure
And poulticed it with fish manure
He tied it up with bits of string
But still it was a little thing

Just one inch long when fully reared
and lying down it disappeared
"Twas by chance they called him Danny
Half inch less they’d call him Fanny

One day Dan read in Daily Mail
That things called "falsies" were on sale
For women who had tiny breasts
They wore these things inside their vests
Then went out in latest fashion
To satisfy men’s beastly passion

Danny said "I am a fool"
Why can’t I make a big false tool
He worked all night upon his chopper
And ended up with a great big whopper

Twelve inches long and made of plastic
it stretched just like a piece of "lastic"
It really was a lovely job
Upon the end a big red knob

Dan tied it on with bits of twine
Really it looked rather fine
Lying beneath his pants
Looking like a ele-phant

Girls flocked around with glee
To see his bulge stretch to his knee
No other fellow stood a chance
When Dan was at the local dance

As girls were dancing round with Dan
They felt his tool against their fan
And soon began to faint and swoon
As Danny waltzed around the room

But what a shock Dan had in store
For one night dancing round the floor
Danny stopped and loudly cursed
He’d felt his strings and strappings burst

Before he reached the nearest seat
His tool was dangling at his feet
His partner said, with a nervous cough
"Excuse me Dan - your cock’s fell off"

A girl named June made Dan sick
She gave his tool a spiteful kick
Poor Danny screamed around the halls
For the string was tied around his balls

As he staggered to the door
He dragged his dick along the floor
All the girls that Dan had dated
Were crying while his cock deflated

The band by now was almost crackers
As Dan went out to bathe his knackers
Wise cracks and scornful laughter
He couldn’t face the scene thereafter

So if you’re like poor Daniel Morgan
And have a tiny sexual organ
Remember, though it’s only wee
It’s always good enough to pee

 

[melody]

Words Of Wit And Wisdom

In just two days tomorrow will be yesterday. But I never saw either on
the calendar

Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, He takes something for
it.

Never be afraid to try something new, remember amateurs built the ark -
professionals built the Titanic.

Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.

One of life's mysteries - how can a two pound box of candy make a
person gain five pounds.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.


Important Laws

1. The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.

2. The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

4. Law of Physical Displacement
Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant.

5. Legal Rights
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

6. Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

7. Law Pertaining to Divorce
Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him ... get a good lawyer...keep his house.

 

[melody]

You Just May Be A Nymphomaniac If...

. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
. You go through a Sealy Mattress every week.
. Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself
...just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
. When they change your area code to 976.
. Tetracycline is your best friend.
. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
. When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.
. When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.
. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
. When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
. The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
. When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".

hhhhh

Loretta lowered her lashes and whispered, "Kiss me goodnight."
So Bob kissed her on the navel.
"Why did you do it there?" she asked with surprise.
"Oh," he answered, "I wanted to see what you`d open first
...your eyes or your legs."

hhhhh

A woman was shopping in a furniture store for a new mattress.
As she bent over to examine the tenth mattress she had
considered, she suddenly let out a horrendous fart.

"Excuse me," she said, embarrassed, to the clerk who was
helping her.

"Heck, I'm used to it, lady," he said. "When you see the price
on that one, your gonna shit!"

 

[melody]

The Mortuary

The Mortician arrived at the Mortuary one morning and was approached by his assistant.

"Anything interesting happen over-night", asked the mortician. "Yes", replied the assistant, "The most gorgeous 18 year-old blond came in last night. Dead of course"

"What was the cause of death", enquired the mortician.

"I'm not sure",replied the assistant. "But she's got a Prawn stuck up her cunt!"

"Are you sure", said the Mortician.

"Yes, come and have a look for yourself" ,said the assistant opening the body bag.

The mortician closely examined the beautifully trimmed snatch.

"That's not a prawn you stupid wanker", he responded, "That's her clitoris"

"Are you sure", said the assistant, "'Cos it certainly tasted like a prawn".

ggg

Little Johnny came into the bathroom while
his mother was taking a shower.

He asked, "Mommy what's that between your legs?"
She told him that was her squirrel.

Later that day he was in the bathroom again while
grandma was taking a shower and he asked,

"Grandma what's that between your legs?"
She replied, "That's my squirrel."

Then little Johnny said, "Mommy has one too,
but hers is not as gray as yours."

Grandma replied,
"Well, your mommy's squirrel hasn't cracked
as many nuts as mine has!"

 

[melody]

A Bond Between A Little Girl And Construction Workers

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little
5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that
we CAN make a difference when we give
a child the gift of our time.....

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One
day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally
took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent
much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all
of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project
mascot. They chatted with her,let her sit with them while they had
coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make
her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her
mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested
that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next
day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was
equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at
such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the fucking sheet rock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye.

&&&

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.
He says, "How'd you get a cork stuck in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I Tonto, Indian Genie. I grant-um one wish.' And I said, 'No shit.'"

 

[melody]

Disabled Swimming Contest

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!"

*********

3 Tampax are going down the street, Maxi, Slim, and Ultra
Which one says "Hello" ?
.

None - they’re all stuck up cunts!!!

*********

A lesbian goes to a nutritionist because she has indigestion.

The nutritionist says "It’s simple - you are what you eat".

so the lesbian turns to her and says...

"Are you calling me a cunt?"

*********

A recent study asked a group of women if their cunts twitched after sex.

98% said "No, he just lays there scratching his balls"

*********

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, shooting him right through the penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.

"This is my brother’s card. I’ll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"

"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He’ll show you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye."

 

[melody]

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, ! that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"