JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

THE WORD FUCK

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).

It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck"..

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings: How the fuck are ya?
2. Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
3. Resignation: Oh, fuck it!
4. Trouble: I guess I'm fucked now.
5. Aggression: Fuck you!
6. Disgust: Fuck me.
7. Confusion: What the fuck.......?
8. Difficulty: I don't understand this fucking business!
9. Despair: Fucked again...
10. Pleasure: I fucking couldn't be happier.
11. Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here?
12. Lost: Where the fuck are we.
13. Disbelief: Unfuckingbeliveable!
14. Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial: I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity: I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy: Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?
18. Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
19. Panic: Let's get the fuck out of here.
20. Directions: Fuck off.
21. Disbelief: How the fuck did you do that?


It can be used in an anatomical description- He's a fucking asshole.
It can be used to tell time- It's five fucking thirty.
It can be used in business- How did I wind up with this fucking job?
It can be maternal- Motherfucker.
It can be political- Fuck Dan Quayle!


It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

What the fuck was that?
-Mayor of Hiroshima

Where did all these fucking Indians come from?
-General Custer

Where the fuck is all this water coming from?
-Captain of the Titanic

That's not a real fucking gun.
-John Len

Who's gonna fucking find out?
-Richard Nixon

Heads are going to fucking roll.
-Anne Boleyn

Let the fucking woman drive.
-Commander of Space Shuttle

What fucking map?
-Challenger, Mark Thatcher

Any fucking idiot could understand that.
-Albert Einstein

It does so fucking look like her!
-Picasso

How the fuck did you work that out?
-Pythagoras

-You want what on the fucking ceiling?
Michaelangelo

Fuck a duck.
-Walt Disney

Why?- Because its fucking there!
-Edmund Hilary

I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?
-Joan of Arc

Scattered fucking showers my ass.
-Noah

I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.
-John F. Kennedy-


The Window Job

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he's just seen.

A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner.

The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him.

"50 bucks" comes the reply.

"50 bucks?" says the vicar, startled.

"Yep, fifty bucks or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."

So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way. The following week, the bishop's round for his supper and is having a wander round the vicar's house, admiring his lovely home.

He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you've got there vicar, who does them for you?"

"Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job," replies the vicar.

"Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?"

"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty bucks, actually"

"Fifty bucks? Blimey!" says the bishop. "He must have seen you coming."

========

Little Johnny was taking a bath one day, when his mother came in to use the bathroom. Curiosly, Johnny viewed his mother's anatomy while she was sitting down.

"Mommy,", Johnny asked, "what's that between your legs?"

His mother replied, "Why that's where your dad hit me with an axe."

"Came awfully fuckin' close to your cunt, didn't he?" he replied.

 

[melody]

Blind Date

My friend set me up on a blind date after my first divorce.

Well, he was a friend at the time.

Anyway, I called her up and said, "I can't take you anywhere really
expensive because I'm paying lawyers for a divorce right now."

She was cool. She said, "We can eat at Hardees, eight pieces of
chicken and four biscuits for $6.99." She was a husky girl (you
know, Sears catalog).

When we got to Hardees, she was moving! I only got two wings out of
everything! She wouldn't even butter her biscuits, she would pop a
biscuit and then do a butter chaser! I couldn't watch her eat the
chicken. She kept getting crumbs in her moustache. She would have
gotten it all if her teeth were in!

Don't get me wrong... I still did her!

--------

In days of old, when knights were bold,
And girls were quite particular.
They would put them up against the wall,
And fuck them perpendicular.

Q. Why should you wear ribbed condoms for anal sex?
A. Better traction in the mud.

Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.

Q. What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it?
A. Strip Poker


WHAT A GUY SHOULD NOT SAY AFTER SEX

"I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

"Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

"How come it's so BIG in there?"

"You've done this with a lotta guys before, right?"

"Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"

(Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

(Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

"You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

"My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

"Do you know what a 'douche' is?"

"Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

"I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

"I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

"Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

"I never saw a girl with hairy boobs before!"

"I've been getting these little blisters lately....."

"You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"

"You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"
__________

There was a young woman named Jeannie
Who sobbed to her date, "You're a meanie".
You claim you're a stud
But, oh, what a dud!
Your prick is a real teeny-weeny.
__________

There was a young whore from Kilkenny,
Who charged two fucks for a penny,
For half of that sum,
You could bugger her bum,
An economy practiced by many

 

[melody]

Acronyms Involving The F Word

FIGMO - fuck it, got my orders

FUBAB - fucked up beyond all belief

FUBAR - fucked up beyond all recognition/repair

FUMTU - fucked up more than usual

SNAFU - situation normal, all fucked up

TARFU - things are really fucked up

JANFU - joint army-navy fuckup.

GFU - general fuck-up

SAMFU - self-adjusting military fuck-up

SAPFU - surpassing all previous fuck-ups

SUSFU - situation unchanged, still fucked-up

WOFTAM - Waste Of Fucking Time And Money

RTFM - Read the Fucking Manual

=========================================
=========================================

This guy is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker.
He says, "How much?"
She says, "Twenty bucks."
He says, "All right."
They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her.
The next night, he runs into the same hooker. They go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.
She says, "What the extra five?"
He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."

=========================================
=========================================

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own pants.

What's a wiener?
The first runner to cross the finish line in a Mexican race!

Why is sex so much like drugs?
Because the quality depends on the pusher.

=========================================
=========================================

This guys eating this girl out and stops doing it for a second and says "Damn this pussy's big." "Damn this pussy's big"
She looks at him and says "I know but why did you say it twice?"
Dude says, "I didn't"


RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little
beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on
Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in
Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the
kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread
maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
... So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water
in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the
garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt
her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the
TV?" ... I said "Dust!"

Can't you just hear him say all of these?......... This is the good old
days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word........
just clean and simple fun!

 

[melody]

Dirty Shorties

Q: Have you heard about the uncircumcised troll?
A: His name was Rumpled Foreskin

Q. Why don't men know the meaning of fear?
A. They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.

Q: What does a blonde have in common with the United
States Army?
A: They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen
and thirty-five.

Q. What's a clitoris?
A. A female hood ornament.

Q: What Do You Call A Woman Who Can Suck A Golf Ball
Through A 20 Ft. Garden Hose?
A: `Darling', `Sweetheart', `Precious', Whatever It
Takes.

Q: How do you get a woman off during sex?
A: Push her.

"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

A 12yr old boy gets hit by a car at a busy crossing. A woman
runs up to the boy and asks, "Do you need a priest?"
The boy replies, "How can you think of sex at a time like this?"

Remember: You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends,
but you can't wipe your friends off on the couch.

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Little boy blue!
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!

I bought a new car radio. When you shout "Soul," it plays soul.
When you shout "Rock," it plays rock. Some kids ran in front of me the
other day and I shouted, "Fucking kids!" and it started playing Michael Jackson.


Having Breakfast

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty
years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as
a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal.'

9999

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me,
madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that
your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," s
aid the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then
back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down
there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

9999

Lionel takes Freda to their doctor for a check-up. After the doctor finishes examining Freda, he takes Lionel aside and says, "I don't like the look of your wife at all."
"I don’t either, doctor," says Lionel, "but she's really very good with the children and she’s a great cook."

9999

A guy goes to the optometrist. The Doctor tells him, "You've got to
stop masturbating!"

"Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?"

"No," the Doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients
in the waiting room!"

 

[melody]

Thor The Viking God Of Thunder

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla,
when suddenly Thor said to Odin, "It's been a long time now. I really
need to have sex."

Odin stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, O
Thor, and find thyself what they call a 'lady of joy' and treat her to
your manly pleasures."

And this Thor did. The next day, he came back up to see Odin, and told
him of the previous night's events. "My friend," he said, grinning from
ear to ear, "It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times.."

"37 times!" exclaimed Odin. "That poor woman! Mere mortals cannot endure
such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!"

So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute,
saying. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor..."

"You're Thor?" shouted the girl. "You're Thor? What about me? I'm tho
thor I can hardly pith!"

_________________________________________________

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and,
after staring for some time at the only woman seated
at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand
up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry.
I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

"That's funny," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."


Mexican Words Of The Day In A Sentence

1. *Cheese*
Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to
read so I shoulder.

4. *Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home, wondering where
I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her,
Honey, harassment nothing to me".

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a red head, and a blonde were having a very interesting
conversation and it got around to their daughters. The brunette said, "I
went in my daughter's room the other day and found a pack of cigarettes,
I didn't even know she smoked!" The red head said, "I went in my
daughter's room and found a half-empty bottle of vodka! I didn't even
know she drank!" Then the blonde burst out and said, "I went in my
daughter's room and found a pack of condoms, half-empty, I didn't even
know she had a penis!"

 

[melody]

Blow Job ETIQUETTE

WHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no damner of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

http://img826.imageshack.us/img826/6310/binladenbanner27066177.jpg

Q:Why does Osama always carry a piece of shit in his pocket?
A: It's his photo ID

Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck

Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What's the difference between the Taliban and a bucket of shit?
A: the bucket

Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.

Q: Why don't bin laden's people eat shit sandwiches?
A: they can't stand bread

Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
A: because the camels can't handle it

Why are the al-Qaida terrorists so quick to commit suicide?
Let's see now:

- no pre-marital sex
- no oral sex, ever
- no booze
- no titty bars
- no Playboy channel
- no organized sports of any kind
- "Hooters! What is this 'Hooters' of which you speak!"
- fucking sand everywhere
- ever fish at an oasis?
- rags for clothes and hats
- eating with your right hand only cause you wipe your
ass with your left
- constant wailing from the ass hole next door...no wait...
is that music?
- shit, can't tell.
- barbecue cooked over camel dung
- their women have to wear baggy dresses and veil's
- Oh, and by the way when you die it all gets better!

Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmm??????????

 

[melody]

The Parrot

A woman was driving along, and her car broke down. She
decided to hitchhike to the nearest gas station. A truck driver
hauling a load of chickens pulled up. The driver asked, "Hey,
little lady, need a lift?"
"Yes, my car broke down, and I need a ride to the nearest
gas station."
The driver replied, "OK, but first you have to fuck me!
No fuck, no ride."
She said, "I'm sorry, I don't need a ride that badly."
So the driver pulled away. All this time, the driver had
a parrot on his shoulder.
The parrot started saying, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no
ride!"
The driver said, "You had better shut up, bird, or I'm gonna
throw you in back with the chickens!"
About two miles down the road, the parrot said, "No fuck,
no ride!"

So, the driver slammed on the breaks and threw him in back
with the chickens!
A few miles further down the road, the driver heard sirens and
saw flashing lights, so he pulled over. He got out of the
truck and approached the officer.
"What's the problem, officer. I wasn't speeding was I?"
The officer said, "I wasn't pulling you over for speeding.
I just wanted to inform you that you have a parrot throwing
chickens out the trailer screaming, No fuck, no ride! No fuck,
no ride!"
_______

From 20 to 30 if a man live right,
its once in the morning and twice at night.
From 30 to 40 if he still lives right,
he missing a morning and sometimes a night.
From 40 to 50, its just now and then.
From 50 to 60, its heavens knows when.
From 60 to 70 he's slightly declined,
but don't let him kid you, its STILL on his mind!

Females On Board

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
'It's The Box Office.'

88888

A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who
were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart.

On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried
to make the best of her performance.

The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?"

She responded, "The first man was Peter, my postman, but he only
paid me one hundred dollars!"

88888

Why are hurricanes normally named after women? .....When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Why do women have breasts? .....So men will talk to them.
What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? .....A women who won't do what she's told.
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and mad cow's disease? .....Two tits!

Why did God invent football? .....So that married men could have some physical contact in their lives!

Why do women always appear to be changing their minds? .....It allows them to continually delude themselves that they have one!

Why hasn't a woman ever walked on the moon? .....Because it doesn't need cleaning!

What should you give a woman who has everything? .....A man to show her how to work it.

 

[melody]

Thor The Viking God Of Thunder

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla,
when suddenly Thor said to Odin, "It's been a long time now. I really
need to have sex."

Odin stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, O
Thor, and find thyself what they call a 'lady of joy' and treat her to
your manly pleasures."

And this Thor did. The next day, he came back up to see Odin, and told
him of the previous night's events. "My friend," he said, grinning from
ear to ear, "It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times.."

"37 times!" exclaimed Odin. "That poor woman! Mere mortals cannot endure
such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!"

So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute,
saying. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor..."

"You're Thor?" shouted the girl. "You're Thor? What about me? I'm tho
thor I can hardly pith!"

_________________________________________________

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and,
after staring for some time at the only woman seated
at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand
up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry.
I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

"That's funny," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."


LIARS' CHAIN LETTER

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! (Please!)

One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again. Damn the luck ...

Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below :

Bill Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

William Jefferson Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

W. J. Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

William Clinton
160 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

W Jefferson Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

William J Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

Slick Willie Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

Mr. Hillary Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

Mr. Jesse Jackson
Rainbow Coalition
Washington, DC

Mr. Jesse Jackson
Moral Advisor to ex-President Bill Clinton

Source: Paul from N.Y.

 

[melody]

The Bride And Groom

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the
altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest,
brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you
are happy to
be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my
entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest,
brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says,
"Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but
what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire
life."

PPPPP

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children
in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked,
"What did you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said
"Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"

PPPPP

What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
A Sweet Fuck.

What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A thought.

PPPPP

Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions!

*Never take a beer to a job interview
*It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
*Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
*Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul van to the funeral home.

 

[melody]

And The Bad News IS???

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been six months since I left for college. I'm sorry I haven't written more often and I'm very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I'm sure you have been worried about me.

Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit down Ok? Don't read any further unless you're sitting down.

Ok? Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always said the girls in our family heal fast.

In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get headaches three times a day now. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911. He's so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.

He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure that it will be before I start to show. That's right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant! I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was growing up.

We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections should clear it up by next month.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious -- just like Dad!

Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I'm sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his native African village. That's an important government position where he comes from. Well, I guess that's all! Now you know why I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.

Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you know there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a concussion or a skull fracture, I wasn't in the hospital, I'm not pregnant, I'm not engaged, I don't have syphilis and there is no boyfriend of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for Gov. Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

-Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great... I love it, though I miss you both
terribly...and Socks, too!

P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others.

 

[melody]

Addicted To Coffee !!!!

You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

> You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
> You sleep with your eyes open.
> You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
> The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
> You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
> You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
> Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
> You chew on other people's fingernails.
> The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
> You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
> You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
> You can jump-start your car without cables.
> You don't sweat, you percolate.
> You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
> You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
> You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
> People get dizzy just watching you.
> Instant coffee takes too long.
> You channel surf faster without a remote.
> You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
> You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
> You short out motion detectors.
> You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
> Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
> You help your dog chase its tail.
> You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
> Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
> You ski uphill.
> You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
> You answer the door before people knock.
> You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

 

[xtremeleo]

i laughed so hard at the coffee addiction

SHORT OUT MOTION DETECTORS?

LLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

 

[melody]

Naughty Little Johnny

Little Johnny comes home from school and his Mum asks him how his day
was. To which the chirpy 6 year old replies, "Great. I had my first ever
fuck!" Disgusted, Johnny's Mum sends him to his room until his Dad
returns home from work. Half an hour later, his Dad is told the story by
his Mum and is asked to go up to his room to admonish his offspring. He
sits down next to the lad and says, "Son. I heard that you had your
first fuck today. Good lad! Congratulations! When do you think you will get
the next one?"

To which little Johnny replies, "When my butthole stops bleeding!"

@@@

A husband was visiting his wife in hospital where she has
been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decided
to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On
doing this, she let out a sigh.

The husband ran out and told the doctor what happened. The
doctor said this was a good sign, and suggested the husband
try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The husband went in and rubbed her right breast, which brought
a moan. After hearing this, the doctor suggested that the
husband should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the husband
to be embarrassed.

The husband went in, then came out about five minutes later,
white as a ghost. He told the doctor his wife was dead.

The doctor asked what happened, to which the husband replied,
"I reckon she choked to death!"

 

[melody]

Jack The Young Redneck

Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack. Jack
lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmer's wife and their
daughter Mabel.

One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel
bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become aroused for the
first time and, shocked, ran to find the farmer to explain this strange
phenomena.

Upon finding the farmer he proceeded to drop his trousers and whip out
his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the farmer.

"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"

"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.

"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."

"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.

"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the
milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick. It'll go down
quick smart, trust me."

The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and saw the
farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting hard he rushed
into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked up two handful of
shit. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.

"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.

"Well," Jack replied,"I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to make it go
down."

"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the ground and
lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"

So he did. Both hands full of shit!



Q. What's the worst thing a 6 year old girl could tell you after you've fucked her?
A. I've had better.
Q: And the most heartbreaking?
A: I've had bigger!

Q: How do you know when your sister has AIDS?
A: Your Dad's cock tastes funny.

Q: How do you know when your getting old?
A: You dreams are dry & you farts are wet.

Q: What's dangerous and eats nuts?
A: Syphilis.

Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Kick her in the guts.
Q: What do you call a homosexual dinosaur?
A: A Megasorarse!
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: A Lickalotapuss!

 

[melody]

Little-Known Chocolate Tidbits...

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too
slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all
count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot
car.
Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in
one place. Isn't that handy?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate
to protect themselves.

Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That
way, at least you'll get one thing done!

()()()()()

A guy walks into a print shop and immediately
decides to hit on the large-breasted blonde clerk.
"By the way, do you keep stationery?"
"I always try to," she answers, "but at the last
second I just go fucking crazy!"

()()()()()

Q: How does the blonde know when her guy has cum?
A: The one standing in line behind him takes his place.

Q: Did you hear about the hooker who got arrested in the coal fields?
A: She was charged with contributing to the delinquency of a miner.

Q: How do all orgies begin?
A: Everyone chews a partner.

Q: What is your first clue you are checking in to a kinky hotel?
A: The doorman flashes you on the way in.

 

[melody]

Yankee Doodle Dandy

Yank my doodle it's a dandy,
Yank my doodle 'till I die,
Make that wiener shoot fireworks,
Just like the Fourth of July.

I've got a Yankee doodle boner,
I've had it since you rubbed my thigh,
So yank my doodle if you please.
That bulge is not a pony,
Just stick your fingers up my ass,
And stroke my macaroni.

Yank my doodle it's so big,
Clearly it's a dandy,
Stick that sucker in your mouth,
You'll swear it tastes like candy.

Yank my doodle it's a dandy,
Yank my doodle 'till I die,
Lick that lizard 'till it's standing tall,
Right through my pubic hair.
If you like Yankee doodle peckers,
I've got one that I can spare.

So yank my doodle 'till it cums,
Just point it toward your titties,
They say that stuff is beauty cream,
Let's make your titties pretty.

Yank my doodle it's so big,
Baby it's a dandy,
Jerk that Turk and make it squirt,
And keep a Kleenex handy.

Yank my doodle it's a dandy,
Yank my doodle 'till I die..

YYYYY

There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to no sexual feeling
Til a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling

There once was a man named Mort
Whose dick was incredibly short
When he climbed into bed
His lady friend said
"That's not a dick it's a wart."

 

[melody]

THINGS TO SAY TO A MAN WITH A HUGE PENIS:

"Is it real?"

"Hot diggity dog!"

"Am I dreaming?"

"Can I keep you?"

"Excuse me while I clear my throat..."

Get down on your knees, look heavenward and say, "Thank you, God"

And the most vital thing to say to a man with a huge p'enis, "I DO!"

787878

John asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with Granny?"
Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral".
John says: "what is oral?"
Grandpa: "I say Fuck you, and she says: Fuck you too"

787878

They say..."Love thy neighbor as thy self."
What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?

Q. If having your appendix out is an appendectomy and
having your tonsils out is called a tonsillectomy..
What do you call a woman having a sex change?
A. A Giveadictomy.

787878

There was a young fellow named Paul
Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
But the size of my prick
Is God's dirtiest trick,
For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"

There was a debauched little wench
That nothing could ever make her flinch.
She admitted men's poles,
At all possible holes,
And she'd bugger, fuck, jerk off, and french.

There was a young fellow named Pell
Who didn't like cunt very well.
He would finger and fuck one,
But never would suck one---
He just couldn't get used to the smell.

787878

Q. What do 80 year old lesbians eat?
A. Depends. (with a shrug)

Q. How do you tell if you have a great sperm count?
A. Your wife has to chew before she swallows!!!

Q: How do you know when a chick is too fat to fuck?
A: When you pull her panties down to her knees, her stomach is
still in 'em!

 

[melody]

Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary

"Haven't I seen you before?"
~~""Nice ass."
"I'm a Romantic."
~~""I'm poor."
"I need you."
~~""My hand is tired."
"I am different from all the other guys."
~~""I am not circumcised."
"I want a commitment."
~~""I'm sick of masturbation."
"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
~~""You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
"I really want to get to know you better."
~~""So I can tell my friends about it."
"It's just orange juice, try it."
~~""3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."
"She's kinda cute."
~~""I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."
"I don't know if I like her."
~~""She won't sleep with me."
"I miss you so much."
~~""I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."
"Was it good for you?"
~~""I'm insecure about my manhood."
"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
~~""Is my penis really that small?"
"I had a wonderful time last night."
~~""Who the hell are you?"
"Do you love me?"
~~""I've done something stupid and you might find out."
"Do you 'really' love me?"
~~""I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."
"How much do you love me?"
~~""I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."
"I have something to tell you."
~~""Get tested."
""I'll give you a call."
~~""I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."
"I've been thinking a lot."
~~""You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
"I think we should just be friends."
~~""You're ugly."
"I've learned a lot from you."
~~""Next!!!!"
"I'm on a long "distance call, can you call me later?"
~~"I gotta turn on my answering machine."

 

[melody]

Matter Of Opinion

A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of finding
joy in unusual activities.

"Even the most natural and common actions can provide an immense
amount of pleasure. For example, a good bowel movement can be as
enjoyable as making love."

A student starts madly waving his hand and stands up when he's
acknowledged. "Professor," he says,"Either you don't know how to
screw, or I don't know how to shit!"

77777

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."

77777

During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor
and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated
recently.

"Only last week," the Frenchman said, "a woman came to see me with
a clitoris like a melon!"

"Don't be absurd, "the Brit exclaimed, "It couldn't have been that
big. My God, man, she wouldn't be able to walk if it were."

"Aah, you English, always thinking about size," replied the
Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavor!"

77777

This couple had been ****** for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

 

[melody]

The Whole Truth

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to
blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and
as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your
father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work,
and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly
hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he
sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says,
"Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"

ggggg

Whore House Slogans

1. More Fuck for your Buck!

2. More Honey for your Money!

3. More Gash for your Cash!

4. More Hole for your Pole!

5. More Head for your Bread!

6. More Booty for your Looty!

7. More Strange for your Change!

8. She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!

9. Will suck for a buck!

10.We'll Tally Whack Your Ban!

ggggg

Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any
boys at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for
advice with boys.

"Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy
and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to
dribble on my boyfriend."

"Swallow." Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular
later on."