JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A few years ago, my doctor diagnosed me with CRS -
Can't Remember Shit.

Yesterday, he gave me the bad news that I now have the more
advanced stage of the disease - CRAFT -

Can't Remember A Fucking Thing !
_____

A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal, whips
out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief,
"Phew, just made it." The guy next to him looks over and
says, "Impressive, can you make me one too?"

@@@

A recent study at the University of Missouri Medical School shows that the type of men's facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is in her menstural cycle.

For example: Most of the month a woman is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with smooth, clean-shaven features.

During her period or if she is menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire!

 

[melody]

Things a man would do if.....

Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up with
a vagina for a day

1. Immediately go shopping for a huge cucumber and zucchini.

2. Squat over a hand held mirror for 2 hours.

3. See if he could actually do the splits.

4. See if it's possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

5. Cross his legs with out rearranging.

6. Get picked up at a bar in less than 10 minutes before closing
time.

7. Have multiple orgasms and still be ready for more, without
taking a nap first.

8. Go to a gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it
recorded on video.

9. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breast.

10. Finally find that damned G-spot!!!
_______

Why did God give women nipples?
To make suckers out of men.

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
Then the fight started...

Q. Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny died?
A. Somebody put his batteries in backward, and he kept coming, and
coming, and coming...........

What is the closest thing to a woman's period?
Your salary. It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days,
and if it doesn't come, you are f*cked!
_______

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her
students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times For young people. In moments
of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour
of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse
me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

 

[melody]

Things You Never Thought About

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about;

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in, but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

 

[melody]

An Old Couple

A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven
Florida.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, Will you watch
us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished,
the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then
leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find
out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married

and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for

$50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.

=========

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin
bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great
anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian
husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her,

he replied, "Because it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing

I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"

=========

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.
Q: What's the best thing about Alzheimer's Disease?
A: You make new friends every day.
Q: What's the difference between men and hogs?
A: A hog won't spend 20 bucks on drinks just so he can fuck some pig.

 

[melody]

Halloween Party

A Black man and his wife are going to a Halloween party in a couple of
days, so the husband asks his wife to go to the store and get costumes
for them to wear.

When he comes home that night, he goes into the bedroom and finds, laid
out on the bed, a Superman costume.

The husband calls to his wife, "What are you doing, honey?" he says.
"Have you ever heard of a Black Superman? Can you take this back and get
me something else to wear?"

The next day, the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a
replacement. The husband comes home from work and goes into the bedroom.
There, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.

He yells to his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a
Black Batman? Take this shit back and get me something I can wear to the
costume party!"

The next morning, his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes
home again from work, he finds there, laid out on the bed, three items:
one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt,
and the third item is a 2X4 piece of wood.

The husband yells again to his wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells right back, "Take your clothes off. You can put these
three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't
like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as a an Oreo cookie.
And if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2X4 up your ass and go
as a fudgesicle."

@@@

On Halloween, this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden red hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an witch, and was just delightful. The woman said, "What are you supposed
to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says...

"Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little witch is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little witch looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says... "Thanks lady, you just boke my fu--in' cookies!"

 

[melody]

http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/4197/hlwnskulhlwn7101008.gif

Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men!

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you
with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to
begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.


10 Least Popular Halloween Candies

10. Bit-O-Squirrel
9. Poisonettes
8. Good n' Sweaty
7. Middlefinger
6. Della Reese's Pieces
5. Clam Duds
4. Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg
3. Gummy Marrow
2. Ken Starrburst
1. Osmond Joy

@@@

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...

What did the Dracula say to his teacher?
See you next Period!

Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.

How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...

@@@

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a
mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the
rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

 

[melody]

In Love With Summer

He wanted many things in a wife, but above all he wanted one who was a virgin.

Falling madly in love with Summer, he decided to test her.

At a drive-in one night, he leaned over and asked, "Would you like to see my pee-pee?"

As he unzipped his fly, Summer covered her eyes. "No! No! Please put it back!"

Thrilled, he deemed Summer worthy of being his bride, and immediately proposed to her.

On their wedding night, he was keenly anticipating the delight of introducing Summer to sex.

When she came to bed, he unzipped his fly and took out his member.

Summer smiled, "Oooooh...what a nice pee-pee."

He stroked her hair. "My dear, the first thing you must learn is that it really isn't called a pee-pee. It's called a cock."

"No," Summer said, studying it, "That's a pee-pee. A cock is long, fat and like Bubba's!!"

NNNNN

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his artificial leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiance' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.

All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, un strapped his artificial leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

 

[melody]

Asking A Man To Do Something

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do
something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

1a. Then give him a Blow Job

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.

3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine.
Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".

7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.


OK, seven rules.

999999

Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his
head. "What's the matter?" inquired the bartender.

"While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the
scribbling on the wall, and one that said: WENDY GIVES REALLY
FABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST B.J. IN THE WHOLE WIDE
WORLD!" replied the customer.

"Ah buddy, I wouldn't give it a second thought, we get jerks in here
like anywhere else," said the bartender.

"I know," continue the head shaker. "One of them has scratched out
the
phone number!"

 

[melody]

How to Make Love Like a Man

1. While flipping through channels, catch a glimpse of men's underwear ad. Feel instant and overwhelming desire for sex.

2. Find partner. Begin undressing self and partner.

3. Wait a minute: What's going on? Partner is kissing you not on nipples but on lips. Guiding your hand away from lower regions and toward shoulder. Oh, right, now you remember. Foreplay.

4. Kiss and touch, kiss and touch. This is making you feel incredibly hot, while it seems your partner is still just warming up to room temperature.

5. Attempt to find "magic button" that will make your partner as turned on as you are. After much groping, finally think you locate it. Rub it. Rub it hard. Stop only when you notice partner's attention has drifted back to TV.

6. Offer to give oral sex, your third most favorite sexual activity. There is a chance that this may lead to receiving oral sex, your first most favorite sexual activity.

7. Spend 23 minutes on the giving end. When your partner finally seems enthusiastic enough to want to reciprocate, find that you're forced to stop after two minutes for fear of the entire encounter ending right there.

8. Almost "forget" birth control.

9. Now it's time for your second most favorite sexual activity. Okay, it's in. Thirty seconds later, attempt to train your mind on the anti-orgasmic image of the boy who peed on the school bus in third grade. Then, despite your best efforts, your mind returns to Matt Damon, and the school bus turns into a huge, rocking iron bed.

10. Your partner seems excited now. Very excited. Is partner having an orgasm? You can't quite tell. But who really cares, at least at the moment. Your body is being tossed skyward as if by a volcano and that howl of joy just might be coming from your own mouth.

11. Check surroundings. Yes, good, you're still in the same room.

12. Grasp partner's hand and say how great the sex was.

======

A man goes to a cat house and tells that "madam" that he's been
around the world and has had every type of woman. He said he would
like something different this time.

She sends him up to Mabel's room. He walks in and finds this "drop
dead" gorgeous woman. He tells her that although she is beautiful,
he's had many beautiful woman before and was looking for something
different. She takes her eye out and tells him to screw her there.
He
does and finds it was terrific. He tells her he will be back again
next week.

She says, "Okay. I'll keep an eye out for you!"

 

[melody]

Poor John

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.
A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

'''''

A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has AIDS."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

[melody]

The New Bull

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull
nearly did me in today, partner."
"Oh yeah, what happened?"
"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a
locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!"
"So, how'd you get away?"
"Well the bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me
a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."
"Man, that's scary. If it'd been me, I would probably have shit all
over the place."
"I DID! What do you think the bull was slipping on?"

=============================

What is the definition of the perfect wife?
A rich mute nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store...

=============================

Sex is a lot like doing laundry, if you have a small load, do it by hand!

=============================

I see sales for Viagra are way down. I guess all those old guys finally
figured out that sex with an old woman is not worth $20.

=============================

What is the area between the vagina and the anus called?
A chin rest.

=============================

A man brought his date back to his apartment, ripped both their
clothes off and then said, "I'd like you to meet my little friend."
The woman took a look, gathered her clothes and said, "Call me when
he grows up."

=============================

The judge asked the prostitute, "So when did you realize you had
been raped?" Wiping away tears, she replied, "When the check
bounced!"

=============================

A belligerent drunk walked into a tavern and yelled, "I can lick any
man in this place!" The bouncer replied, "Is this your first time in
a gay bar?"

=============================

What do you call two hookers who testify on behalf of their pimp?
Support hos.

=============================

I wooed a buxom young nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! She was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude --
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!

 

[melody]

From the American Association Of Retired People

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that
menopause is mentioned in
the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60
year-old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?

@@@

An old guy goes to the Social Security office and fills out an application form. Too old to have a birth certificate he is asked to prove how old he is.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hairs on his chest and they accept this as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check and explains to her what happened.
"Well," she replied, "Get back down there, pull down your pants and see if you can get disability!"

 

[melody]

A Shaky Old Lady

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk:
"Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do".
"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

@@@

Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests. The first man says he pulled this girl last week and they agreed to go back to his house and have sex. Once in the house the girl stripped off, lied down on the bed legs apart and panted,
"I want you to give me twelve inches and make me bleed."
The second man not for one moment believing his mate was that well hung asked what he did.
"Well" he says, "What could I do - I fucked her twice and smacked her in the face!"

@@@

Selected things to do when you run over your neighbor's cat:
(a) Wedge the cat under the neighbor's tire so they think they did it.
(b) Paint a hexagram on their front lawn and put the cat in the middle so they think that crazy Satanists did it.
(c) Throw the cat into your other neighbor's yard.
(d) Put the cat in a tree. Call the fire department and let them try to explain it.
(e) Drive over the rest of the cats in the neighborhood and claim that you're on a "Mission From God".

@@@

The young man goes into a bar and picks up a tall woman.
After a night of drinking and dancing they go back to his place.
She unzips his fly and starts playing with his dick.
"Wow," he says, "you handle my penis so well...."
"I should," she replies, "I used to have one just like it ... only longer!"

@@@

Q: What's the difference between a pussy & a cunt?
A: A pussy is a sweet, juicy, succulent, warm, fun and useful thing.
…A cunt is the thing that owns it.

 

[melody]

How To Shit Like a Woman/Man

How to shit like a woman:

Under no circumstances, use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain may be caused while waiting to get home.

With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pot by your boyfriend/husband. Also, wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.

Flush the toilet twice before starting. Then wash your hands three times.

Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).

Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent any chance of a splash back.

Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat (hover) over the seat as opposed to taking any risk of touching it with bare flesh.

Release solids, but DO NOT make any sounds whatsoever.

Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any feces.

Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per role).

Wipe once and throw paper into the pot. Do not look at the paper at all.

Repeat the previous two steps at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.

Flush the toilet twice, bleach it, and leave the lid in the down position for your husband/boyfriend - this is now law in most civilized countries.

Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.

Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.

@@@

How to shit like a man:

Select reading material.

Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell
girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the
toilet rim.

Open reading material and relax.

Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the
first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs
and buttocks.

Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report
to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible
traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the Paper
before throwing it into the bowl.

Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the
paper.

Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances
attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or,
when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.

Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you Can use
it again later).

Wash your hands once.

Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's
self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

 

[melody]

How to Piss Off A Woman

Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do. Then go bowling.

Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes."

Tell her YOU have a headache, but you're willing to suffer with it through sex just to please her.

Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.

Fake your own orgasm while dining out.

Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse.

After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.

=====

After being tormented for many years by her friends about her flat chest, a woman finally decides to buy a bra, and goes to a high class lingerie shop.
"Excuse me," said the woman to shop assitant, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
"Certainly not!" replied the assistant angrily, "I am not in the mood for jokes. Please leave the premises!"
The woman goes from shop to shop but gets the same response. After trying seven lingerie shops the woman finally gos into a bargain department store.
Marching up to the shop counter, she unbuttoned her blouse and and stuck out her chest.
"Do you have anything for these?" asked the woman.
"I'm not sure," replied the shop assistant, "Have you tried clearasil?"

=====

What is a cinderella perfect 10?
It's a woman who sucks you and fucks you till midnight and then turns into a pizza and a six pack of beer!

Why do women exist? Because cows are too big, sheep can't cook and chickens explode!

What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections? - A whine and cheese party!

 

[melody]

Lesbian Questions & Answers

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.

8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?
Fingerpaint.

10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna?
POTPOURRI.

11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner?
See you next month.

12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls

14. Do you know what drag is?
It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

15. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

17. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

19. What does a lesbian think the string on the end of a tampon is for?
For flossing after eating.

 

[melody]

Freak Test

1. Have you ever had intercourse? (5pts)
2.Oral Sex: Giving to Orgasm (5 pts) Receiving (5pts)
3. Licked an ass? (5pts)
4. Had your ass licked? (5pts)
5. Stuck your tongue in their ass? (10pts)
6. Swallowed Cum? (5pts)
7. Practiced Bondage or BDSM ? (5pts)
8. Had anal sex? (5pts)
9. Had an orgasm from anal sex? (5pts)
10. Ever squirted or made someone squirt? (10pts)
11. Squirted from oral or made someone squirt? (5pts)
12. Had sex with someone of the same sex? (5pts)
13. Did a threesome? (5pts)
14. Did a foursome? (5pts)
15. Been in an Orgy? (5pts)
16. Been in a gangbang? (5pts)
17. Had sex in public? (5pts)
18. Snowballed (swapping cum) with someone? (10pts)
19. Had your toes licked or sucked? (5pts)
20. Licked or sucked someone's toes? (5pts)
21. Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a day? (10pts)
22. Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a week? (10pts)
23. Had cyber sex or phone sex? (5pts)
24. Reached an orgasm? (5pts)
25. Watched porn? (5pts)
26. Bought a dirty magazine? (5pts)
27. Posted nude pictures of you on the net? (5pts)
28. Let someone video tape you having sex? (5pts)
29. Had sex without protection? (5pts)
30. Had someone give you a cum facial or gave someone a cum facial? (5pts)
31. Have you participated in any type of golden showers? (10pts)
32. Have you let anyone or have you shit on anyone? (10pts)
33. Had sex with a friend's significant other? (10pts)
34. Ever did one of your significant others friends or relative? (10pts)
35. Have you ever cheated on your significant other? (5pts)
36. Made someone pass out from sex? (10pts)
37. Tasted your own cum? (5pts)
38. Masturbated? (5pts)
39. Let someone watch you? (5pts)
40. Ever showed you naked on cam? (5pts)
41. Had sex while on your period or while someone was on their period?(10pts)
42. Been ate or eaten someone? (10pts)
43. Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? (10pts)
44. Had sex in a vehicle? (5pts)
45. Been caught having sex? (5pts)
46. Paid for sex? (5pts)
47. Used toys during sex? (5pts) Used food? (5pts)
48. Like pain from a little to extreme during sex? (5pts)
49. Ever been dominated in bed? (5pts)
50. Ever had a wet dream? (5pts)
51. Like to have your ass slapped during sex? (5pts)
52. Like having your nipples licked, sucked, or bitten? (5pts)
53. Had sex with someone you didn't know their name? (10pts)
~~~

Scoring ...

0 - 50 Average man or woman (need to be a little more adventurous)
51 - 100 Beginner Freak (keep up the good work)
101 - 150 Big Freak (your heading in the right direction)
151 - 200 Professional Freak (you could charge for your services)
201 - 250 King or Queen Freak (others will never forget you)
251 - over SUPER FREAK (you could write the book, teach the class, and hang the certificate on your wall)

 

[melody]

First Trick

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to
the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine".

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he
didn't have that much".

"So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much
either".

"Finally I said, well, how much do you have"?

The marine said that he only had $25.

The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand"

He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled
it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the
first and then the first hand above the second hand..."

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did
you do?"

"I loaned him $75!" she said.

=======

A man is having a beer with his buddies at the bar and tells them,
"I'm divorcing my wife because she has disgusting habits. I went to
piss in the sink this morning and it was still full of dirty
dishes..."

=======

What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting
circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his viagra?
So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the ass.

=======

Mary Jane was scooting up the flagpole at school. The teacher cried
out, "Mary Jane get down! The boys can see your panties!" Mary
Jane just laughed and laughed. She knew she wasn't wearing any.

=======

A girl who hiked o'er the land
Once showed me a trick with her hand.
She zipped down her pants,
Adjusted her stance,
And peed out my name in the sand!

 

[melody]

Successful ******

The trick to successful ****** is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a person.

Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."

1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
- No foreplay.

2. Can't hail a cab.
- Impotent.

3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
- Prefers virgins.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way.
- He is a virgin.

5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant.
- Will swallow.

6. Takes too long deciding what to order.
- Has trouble reaching orgasm.

7. Insists on ordering for you, saying, "The lady will have..."
- Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.

8. Asks for "the usual"
- Insists on missionary position only.

9. Asks what the specials are.
- Will want you to use handcuffs.

10. Fills up on bread and crackers.
- Premature ejaculator.

11. Drinks decaf.
- Fakes orgasms.

12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts.
- Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

13. Credit card is refused.
- Low sperm count.

14. Under tips waiter.
- Small penis.

15. Uses toothpick.
- Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.

=======

Three prostitutes are chatting in a bar one night and the topic comes up on how loose they are.

The first one says, "Oh, three fingers."

The second says, "Gotcha beat, my whole fist!"

The third one just laughed and slid down the bar stool.

 

[melody]

African Bush Tribe

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around the penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"