JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Senior Citizens

87 year old Ed is sitting at the bar of his local Senior Citizens
Dance Club when in walks Mary. "What a beauty," he says to himself.
Then he can't believe his luck when she walks over and starts
chatting to him. It was love at first site for both of them. After
****** for only a few weeks, they decide to get married. On their
wedding night, they consummate their marriage with a long and
passionate sexy romp. As soon as it ends, Mary notices that Ed is
very quiet and still. She then realizes that her new husband has died
just as he reached his climax. At Ed's funeral, one of Mary's friends
comes over to her and says, "I was so shocked to hear the news, Mary.
Whatever happened?" "Nothing much," Mary replies, "he came and he went."

xxxxx

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the
owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his
free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he
guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in
for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again
gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The
redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was
4. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged my wife
won twice last week."

xxxxx

Q. What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?
A. Bubblegum

One Greek says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly!"

 

[melody]

Elementary School Kids

A teacher at an elementry school tells the kids that she is going to pass out a bunch of different foods and they have to guess what it is. So, she hands out all kinds of different food... She gives them the first item and they all try it; She hints: "It's Itallian and goes with spaghetti." and the kids scream out "Meatballs!" She tells them "Correct!" and passes out the next item. "It goes 'cluck cluck'" she hints. They all scream out "Chicken!" Happy that they are enjoying this game, she hands out one more "Now, this one is a little harder" she tells the class (She hands them venison, which is deer meat). They sit there and chew on it for a minute and have looks of confusion on their faces. She says "Okay, I will give you a hint, it's something your mother calls your father." They are silent for a second, and then a boy jumps up and yells "EVERYBODY SPIT IT OUT, IT'S ASSHOLE!"

@@@

This is one of the first" Dirty" Jokes I ever heard. A Canadian girl
named Cindy told it to me .. I wonder...

Bob goes on a blind date with this Canadian chick named Cindy.
Later, after dinner and a movie, Cindy invites Bob up to her
apartment to fool around.

She reclines on the couch, spreads her legs and says, "Stick
a finger in me."

Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Stick in the other three."

Once again, Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Just go ahead and
shove your whole hand in there."

So Bob eases his hand into Cindy, who then says, "Now shove
in your other hand."

Bob does so, and Cindy says, "Now CLAP!"

Bob tries, but nothing doing. "I can't!" he says.

Cindy looks at him with a smile and says, "Pretty tight, eh?"

 

[melody]

Etiquette For Men

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"
e. When his date is using her teeth

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes.
For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of
hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge
is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present
for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddies
birthday is optional.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event,
you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but
you may never ask who's playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by
a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem.
You didn't see nothin'.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.

The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just
a friend" have had carnal drunken rampant sex, the fact
that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to do
it again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

@@@

A guy goes inside the confessional and says:
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What did you do, my son?"

"Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night,
and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When
I turned on my flashlight, I saw two men having sex."

"Oh, so you were the asshole with the flashlight?

 

[melody]

Love, Lust, Marriage

Love - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage - when your belt won't meet around your
waist, and you don't care.

Love - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage - what's a climax?

Love - when you show concern for your true love's feelings.
Lust - when you show concern for whether your partner is cute & sexy.
Marriage - when your only concern is what's on television; & where is the
remote?

Love - when your farewell is, "I love you, darling."
Lust - when your farewell is, "Same time next week?"
Marriage - when your farewell is, "Don't forget to
pick up the kids on the way home."

Love - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
Lust - when you only see each other in the bedroom.
Marriage - when you never see each other awake.

Love - when your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust - when your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage - when your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love - when you're interested in everything your partner does.
Lust - when you're only interested in one thing.
Marriage - when you're not interested in what your
partner does; and where IS that darned remote?

@@@

A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and one decided
to
share his most recent embarrassment with the others. He tells them that
he
was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he was so preoccupied with

the beautiful breasts of the girl to the counter, that instead of saying

"I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh", he said, "I'd like a picket to
Titsburg!"!

An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know, I had a similar

experience with my wife this morning. We were sitting at the breakfast
table and I meant to say, "Darling, could you please pass the butter"
...
but what came out was, "You bitch, you're ruining my fucking life!"

 

[melody]

A white guy is sitting in a bar next to a black guy. "Hey, dude," he
asks. "How's it you black dudes are so popular with the ladies?"

"Well," the black guy replies, "It is all a matter of fuckin'. When you
white guys fuck, you just stick it in and Wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am!
It's all over before it's even started. When we make love to a woman,
we tease her first, and then only when she begs for it, we stick it in
slow, and gentle like. That's the secret, man, tease her until she begs
you for it, and then slow and gentle like. Works every time."

The white guy finishes his drink and goes home. That night, in bed with
his wife, he remembers the black guy's advice. First he teases his wife
until she begs him to put it in her, and then he starts fucking her, but
very slowly and very gently.

"Hey," she says to him passionately. "When did you learn to fuck like a
black guy?"
======
Pedophile Pete is walking down the street and he runs into one of his
buddies. His buddy says: "Hey Pete, was that your new girlfriend I saw
you with the other day?" Peter, looking somewhat embarrassed and shamed
says "yeah".
His buddy says "How old is she?"
Looking even more shame faced Pete replies "Nine".
His buddy says "Isn't that a little old for you?".
Pete says "Yeah, but she's got the body of a six year old."
======
Q: What do you give the pedophile who has everything?
A: Another parish

Q: What did the little girl say to the lesbian pedophile?
A: Can I go to sleep now mummy?

Q: What's better than having sex with a ten year old boy?
A: Rolling him over & finding out he's his seven year old sister.

Q: What did one pedophile say to the other?
A: Have you got two five's for a ten?

Q: Why do pedophiles like Halloween?
A: Free home delivery.

Q: What's the difference between a pedophile and a pediatrician?
A: The pedophile really loves children.

 

[melody]

Greek Style

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar.

He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her.

They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!"

You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?"

It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies.

"Before we go up there though", the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?"

"Well...uh.. .I'm not exactly sure what that is, man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"

So the two of them walk over to her apartment.

As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body.

"Now, you're *sure*," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Definitely! " the man replies.

"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees."

"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man.

She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Yeah! Yeah!" says the man.

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts.

"Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"

The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, " HEY GUS!"

====

What is the difference between a Hobo and a Homo?
A Hobo is a loner who doesn't have any friends.
A Homo has friends up the ass.

Q: What'd the wife do when she found out her husband was a fag?
A: She turned around and took it like a man!

 

[melody]

"This Is A Stick-Up"

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with
a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is
a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"

The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"

The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"

The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot; I have a wife and
kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and
says, "Alright, now give me a blowjob!"

"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"

The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he
drops the gun.

The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to
the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might
walk in!"

@@@

Q: What do you call a man with a broken condom?
A: Daddy.

Q: Why did the Pilgrims' pants always fall down?
A: Because they wore their buckle on their hat.

Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
A: "Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets."

Q: What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
A: You don't have to ask; you can *see* who the best man is.

Q: Did you hear about the new auto insurance policy for Jewish mothers?
A: It is known as the "My Fault" policy.

Q: What's the difference between a hunting dog and a nymphomaniac?
A: A hunting dog sics a duck.

Q: How much does a grand piano cost?
A: $1000.00.

Q: Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
A: Just in case they get a hole in one.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?
A: Your last blow job ... ever!

Q: What's the definition of irreconcilable differences?
A: When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it
into a bullet.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.

 

[melody]

Good Girls; Bad Girl's And Naughty Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a shit

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a "pearl necklace "

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.

Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them.
=====
I like keeping an eye on the clock
Whilst jacking my load in a sock
But my dear darling wife
Could save me this strife
If only she'd suck on my cock
=====
The Cabin Boy, the Captain's Joy
A cunning little nipper
They filled his Ass
With Broken Glass
And Circumcised the Skipper

 

[melody]

Three Old Guys

3 old guys are sitting on a porch in Miami.

Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods."

The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk."

The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you dear? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"

After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?"

The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going.

@@@

Old mother hubbard, Went to da cupboard, To get her old dog a bone.
When she bent over, Rover took over, And gave da bitch a bone of his own

~~~~~

Mary had a little lamb,
She kept in da backyard.
When she took her panties off,
His wooly dick got hard

~

Old mother goose, Yeah, I fucked her

~~~~~
Jack and Jill went up da hill Each with a dollar and a quarter
Jill came down with two dollars fifty,
Da dirty hoe.
~~~~~~

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a big fall,
All da king's horses and all da king's men,
Said, served you right you fat fucker. Bitch.

@@@

Sherriff walks up to a gay cowboy, and says, "padner, you've got 5 minutes
to blow this town."
Gay cowboy looks around slowly and says, "this is a pretty big town, I'll
need a couple of hours."

@@@

A man is walking past a cliff and notices that a little girl is
standing close to the edge, crying her little eyes out. He goes up to her and
asks gently:
"What's wrong, honey?"
"D-d-d-daddy!"she wails pitifully."H-he fell off the cliff!"
"Awww,poor thing!" says man kindly and starts to unzip his pants. "It's
just not your day, is it?"

 

[melody]

Naughty Shorties!

A mother walks into her daughters room holding a condom in her hand, "I found this while cleaning your room today.... Are you sexually active?"

To which the daughter replies, "No, I just lay there."

///

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.

He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

///

If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in
convenience stores and drive-through windows.

///

Q.What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

///

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?

///

If two gay guys and two lesbos lived together and were on their
way out headed to the same place, who would get there first?
The lesbos because they would be doing 69 while the gay guys
would still be home packing their shit!

///

As a couple were getting ready for bed, the husband coming from the bathroom and jumps in bed, his wife whines "I have a headache" he replies "Perfect!! I just powdered my dick in aspirin, you can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you "

 

[melody]

Fat Head

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate." The wife says "I'll have a vanilla." Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says "What do you want fat head?" The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?" The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants: The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting there (outside) that's my nice truck!!! The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house!!! The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy, and I had that until fat head came along!!!"

()()()()()()()()()()()()()

An old Italian couple were walking around in the mall. After a while they got separated, so the woman went up to the first saleswoman she saw and asked, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.
So the Italian woman went to ask another saleswoman, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?"
"No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband." replied the second clerk.
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers, "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety-split."
To which the Italian woman answers, "No. No. No! That's not a me Tony. He pinch-a the bum, grabba the breasts but he no lickety split!"

 

[melody]

The Extraordinary Wisdom Of Confucius

> ! Secretary not permanent until screwed on desk.
> ! Man who let woman on top is fucking up.
> ! Man who stand on toilet get high on pot.
> ! Woman who spend much time on bedspring may get offspring.
> ! Sex on beach is like American beer - fucking near water.
> ! Man like baby - want to suck tit all day.
> ! Naked man fears no pick pocket.
> ! Man who masturbate only screwing himself.
> ! Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
> ! He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet.
> ! Even the greatest of whales is helpless in the desert.
> ! The hand that turneth the knob opens the door.
> ! Schoolboy OK to masturbate as long as it's not against Principal.
> ! Schoolboy who mess around with school girl during wrong period get caught red-handed.
> ! He who eats too many jelly beans, farts in living color!!
> ! Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
> ! Hockey player on ice have big stick.
> ! Man trapped in sewer eat shit and die.
> ! Man who fuck ugly dog get howled at.
> ! Girls should not marry basketball players because they always dribble before they shoot.
> ! It take square ass to shit brick.
> ! Woman who dance while wearing a jock strap have make believe ballroom.
> ! He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.
> ! Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
> ! A girls best asset is her lie ability.
> ! Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into his own hands.
> ! He who chases cars will soon get exhausted.
> ! Wash your face in morning neck at night.
> ! Man who kiss girl's behind get crack in face.
> ! Man who gets kicked in testicles left holding the bag.
> ! Woman who fly air plane up-side down, have big crack up!
> ! Man who take woman on camping trip have one intent.
> ! He who refuses to listen is lying.
> ! When lady says no, she mean maybe. When lady say maybe, she mean yes. When lady say yes, she no lady
> ! Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
> ! He who sniffs coke drowns.
> ! Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
> ! Man who piss into wind get wet.
> ! Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
> ! Man who pull out too soon get hit in rear end.
> ! Man who eat pussy do lip service.
> ! Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist.
> ! Woman who bake beans and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
> ! Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons
> ! Never eat yellow snow.
> ! Boy who plays with himself pulls boner.
> Woman who wears padded bra, makes mountains out of molehills.
> ! Girl who marry detective must kiss dick.
> ! Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
> ! War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left
> ! Virginity is like a balloon, one prick all gone.
> ! Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
> ! Confucius say too fucking much!!!
> ! Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
> ! Man who fart in Church sit in own pew.
> ! Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money.
> ! Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole woman have more!
> ! Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
> ! Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt up than man run with pants down.
> ! Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!
> ! Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
> ! Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy.
> ! He who lives in glass house dresses in basement.
> ! Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly.
> ! Virgin with thimble on finger never feel prick.
> ! Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> ! Man who date flat-chested girl have good reason to feel low-down.
> ! Man who lifts stones off woman get rocks off.
> ! Man who go to bed with diarrhea wake up in deep shit.
> ! Boy who diddle little girl do diddly squat.
> ! Man who pulls on woman's bra-strap may get bust in mouth.
> ! Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
> ! Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock
> ! When in doubt, whip it out.
> ! Man who lay maiden in pantry get ass in jam.
> ! Girl who go to bachelor pad for snack get tit-bit
> ! A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
> ! Girl who is wallflower at party is dandelion in bed.

 

[melody]

WOMEN & MEN!

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish................................49
Adventurous......................Slept with everyone
Athletic..............................No tits
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful............................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure.............On medication
Feminist.............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun...................................Annoying
New-Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned....................No BJs
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing............................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.........................Sloppy drunk
Professional.......................Bitch
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No.
2. No = Yes.
3. Maybe = No.
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry.
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not.
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you!
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

An elderly couple is laying in bed after a party to
celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Some of
guests at the party are sleeping over in the same
house.

Says the husband to his wife, "Remember, honey, 50
years ago, on our wedding night? I even cut my finger
so that everyone thought you were still a virgin!"

She responds, "And what? Do you want me to blow my
nose in the bed sheets so that everyone will think
you're still able to get it up?"

 

[melody]

About Life

All I Need to Know About Life, I Learned at
Melrose Place

1. If your "significant other" leaves town for
more than a week, sleep with whomever
you want. After all, you can't be expected
to wait around forever.

2. Never sleep with your boss or co-worker.
Just kidding. You should do both, often.

3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at
the office is to build a fire, curl up with a good
book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses
of straight vodka.

4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and
slap somebody in the face, really hard.

5. Pretend you're pregnant.

6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!

7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce.
If divorce isn't convenient, fake your own death.

8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.

9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit.
Just kidding! Dishonesty should be an integral
part of any relationship.

10. When you leave someone to die of carbon
monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door
tightly on your way out.

11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking. ..
or have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in
someway...or. .. oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.

12. Don't get too close to people in comas.
Sometimes they wake up and try to choke
you.

13. If you get fired, get drunk.

14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."

15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as
well take off your shirt and do it by the pool.

16. Randomly insult the people around you.

17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll
nag. Sometimes they'll be judgmental.
Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable
insane asylum where you'll be bound in a
straightjacket and heavily sedated.

18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and
you'll get an even better job
at twice the salary.

19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to
tell her that Mom liked you best. Another good
way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of
times.

20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining
someone's career doesn't mean that you can't
car-pool to work with them.

=====

"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking
buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce."

"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I
ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the
first.

"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion,
I just can't see leaving your wife for what the
Church says is a sin."

"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "It's because I
had a vasectomy over five years ago."

 

[melody]

Chocolate Chip Cookies

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs,
dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie
before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to
the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled
into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking
cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled
to the table and was just barely able to lift
his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped
a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with
a spatula.
"Don't touch those!" she said, "They are for
the funeral."
======
Dirty Johnny was in grade three. The teacher was discussing
weather science. She asked the class if anyone knew what was
on top a weather vane. Only Johnny raised his hand.
She didn't want to ask him because she knew he would
think of something "dirty" to say. However, he WAS the
only kid with a raised arm. So, she acknowledged him. "Johnny,
what is on top of a weather vane?" she asked.
"A cock," Johnny replied.
"Very good," the teacher cringed. "And, Johnny, do you know
why there is a cock on top of a weather vane?"
"Yeah, sure," Johnny said. "`cause if it were a cunt, the wind
would blow right through it!"
======
Q: What's the worse thing about ****** a blonde?
A: She starts talking again the second you take your dick out of her mouth.

Q: What's the best thing about ****** a blonde?
A: She shuts up the second you put your dick back in her mouth.

Q: Do you know why they named it the "wonder bra?"
A: When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."

A woman standing in front of a full length mirror, naked, said to
her husband, "I'm fat, wrinkled, and ugly. It is depressing. Please
say something positive to me to cheer me up."
"OK. Your eyesight is perfect."

 

[melody]

CHINESE FOR DUMMIES:

Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Gai
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high! No Bai Dam Ting!!
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone No Pah King
Know the lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright Yu So Dum
I got this for free Ai No Pei
I am not guilty Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive Hu Man Go!
Pew! does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

ssssssssssssssss

A girl of 23 married a man of 84, and they asked her how things went.
"Well," she laughed, "Did you ever try to put a marshmallow in a piggy
bank?"

Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their nuts!

What do you call a gay milkman?
Dairy queen.

How did the Pollack teach his kid to put on his underwear?
Brown spots in the back..Yellow spots in the front

sssss

Ray and Bubba, two old Navy buddies, are on leave and decide to go to
Bubba's house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer, so
Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his
wife, Linda-Lou, to show Ray her best Southern hospitality.
She agrees.

Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Ray and Linda-Lou screwing
right on the kitchen floor. Bubba yells, "What are you doing
Linda-Lou?"

She replies, "You told me to show Ray my best Southern hospitality."

Bubba then says, "Well, girl, arch your back! Poor Ray's balls are on
the floor!"

 

[melody]

Yo Mama's So Nasty...

Yo mama's so nasty, she only changes her drawers once every 10000 miles.
Yo mama's so nasty, she went to a hair salon and told the stylist to cut her hair, then she opened up her blouse!!
Yo mama's so nasty, she calls Janet "Miss Jackson."
Yo mama's so nasty, she puts ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh.
Yo mama's so nasty, when she did the splits, she stuck to the floor.
Yo mama's so nasty, she has more crabs then Red Lobster.
Yo mama's so nasty, she pours salt water in her drawers to keep the crabs alive.
Yo mama's so nasty, she breeds crabs.
Yo mama's so nasty, her crabs use her tampon string as a bungee cord.
Yo mama's so nasty, she has a sign over her pussy that says "Crabs: All U Can Eat"
Yo mama's so nasty, when I went to yo house said whats for dinner, yo mama jumped up on the table, spread her legs, and said "crabs!"
Yo mama's so nasty, when I went to yo house said what's for dinner, yo mama put her foot up on the table and said "Corn!"
Yo mama's so nasty, she's got more clap than an auditorium.
Yo mama's so nasty, she has a sign by her pussy that says: "Warning: May cause irritation, drowsiness, and a rash or breakouts."
Yo mama's so nasty, they call her Norelco... Home of the triple head.
Yo mama's so nasty, she made Speed Stick slow down.
Yo mama's so nasty, she made Right Guard turn left.
Yo mama's so nasty, she has to use Right Guard and Left Guard.
Yo mama's so nasty, she went swimming and made the Dead Sea.
Yo mama's so nasty, her tits give sour milk.
Yo mama's so nasty, she bit the dog and gave it rabies.
Yo mama's so nasty, when someone asked her what she was going to eat, she spread her legs and pointed down.
Yo mama's so nasty, she bought her boyfriend kneepads for christmas.
Yo mama's so nasty, she had sex with a woman and got pregnant.
Yo mama's so nasty, I called her up for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
Yo mama's so nasty, I talked to her over the computer and she gave me a virus.
Yo mama's so nasty, a skunk smelled her ass and passed out.

Yo Mama's So Smelly/Stank...

Yo mama's so stank, the only dis I want to give her is a disinfectant.
Yo mama's so stank, even dogs won't sniff her crotch.
Yo mama smells like the Flash's nuts after a hard day of runnin'.
Yo mama's so stank, when you were being delivered, the doctor was wearing the oxygen mask.
Yo mama smells so bad her Sure deodorant is confused and her Secret told on her.
Yo mama's so stank, she made her Right Guard call for backup.
Yo mama's so stank, she made Right Guard go left, Speed Stick slow down, and Ban come off strike.
Yo mama's so stank, she has to use Right Guard and Left Guard.
Yo mama's so stank, a blind man walking by her asked "How much for the shrimp platter?"
Yo mama's so stank, when she spreads her legs I get sea sick.
Yo mama's so stank, she was playing in a sand box and a cat came along and buried her.
Yo mama smells like hot ass on a cold day.
Yo mama's so stank, every time she opens her mouth she's talking shit.
Yo mama's so stank, that her shit is glad to escape.
Yo mama's so stank, she's like Shaquille O'Neal, she don't fake the funk!!
Yo mama's so stank, next to her a skunk smells sweet.
Yo mama's so stanky, she gets sourdough yeast infections.
Yo mama's so skanky, she stuck in a cucumber and pulled out a pickle.
Yo mama's drawers are so funky, the roaches check in but they don't check out.

 

[melody]

An Orphanage

Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia. One day,
the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave
and seek their way in life.

"You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely
sinful world." she said. "I must warn you that men will take advantage
of you. They'll do anything to get their way. They'll take you to
restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments
and motels where they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you
twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out."

"Excuse me, Mother." one of the girls asked. "You mean men will take
advantage of us and give us cash?"

"Yes child, why do you ask?"

"Because the priests only give us candy!"

yyyyy

How can you tell your daughter's being abused at her day-care center?
You hand her a broom and she straddles it.

How can you tell your son's being abused at his day-care center?
He won't use a pacifier unless it's got hair on it

yyyyy

A heckler asks an overweight comedian "How come you
are so fat?" The comedian replies Well, everytime I
screwed your mother, she gave me a biscuit."

yyyyy

Mary: I suspect that my ex used to visit prostitutes before we met.

Jill: What makes you think so?
Mary: Well, one night we were just playing around, and he picked me up
and headed for the bedroom.
Jill: So?
Mary: So I giggled and asked, "Should I struggle?" And he asked, "I
don't know. Does that cost extra?"

 

[melody]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING 'MARVELOUSLY MATURE'
WHEN.........

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your
socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop
and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license
picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the
patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out
before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your
mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be
reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more
time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts
longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with
Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the
parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection
from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't
work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and
they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay
there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't
feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that
you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body
starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you
don't even remember being on top of it.

 

[melody]

Poems For Pervs

Give me a muff

With thighs on each side

That's furry and pink

And all covered in stink

I don't even care

If it's old or it's new

'Cause, what the hell ...

It's something to screw!

_________

A Gynecologist says to a Lesbian
"You have the cleanest pussy I've ever seen."
The Lesbian replies,
"I should have, I have a woman in twice a week!"