JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

The Head

Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately it was born without arms or legs---without even a torso. It was just a head, still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it.
Finally after 20 years, the Coopers took a much needed vacation, and whom should they meet but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. "I know," he said, "how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole."
The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said, "Honey Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!"
"No," shrieked the head, "Not another fucking hat!"

==========

A well-dressed young woman swathed in a beautiful leopard fur coat was accosted by a screaming animal activist who yelled, "And what poor creature had to die so you could have that fur coat??"
The woman replied, "My Mother-in-Law"

==========

A down-hearted man in a greasy spoon diner asks the waitress for a meatloaf dinner and some kind words. She brings the meatloaf, but doesn't say a thing.
"Hey," he says, "what about the kind words?'
She replies, "Don't eat the meatloaf."

==========

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

==========

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties.
The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman "use more soap on panties".
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. Finally the Chinaman responded with,"use more paper on ass."

 

[melody]

Nursing Home

An old bloke in the nursing home couldn't talk. One day, while he was sitting in a chair,
a nurse walked by and noticed that he was leaning to the right. She sat him upright in his
chair and told him to sit still. A while later, the nurse came by again, and this time she
noticed that he was leaning to the left. She straightened him up and told him again to
sit still, or else he might fall out of his chair. The next time she made her rounds, she saw
the old guy leaning forward, about to topple headfirst to the floor, so she tied him into
the chair for his own good.
Later on in the day, his daughter came to visit, and seeing her father strapped into his
chair, asked him what was wrong. The old bloke handed her a note, which she unfolded
and read.
It said, "They won't let me fart."

9898989898

Mum walked into the bathroom one day and found
young Johnny furiously scrubbing his dick with a
toothbrush and toothpaste.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, young
man?!" she exclaimed.
"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna
do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm
gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my
sister's."

9898989898

Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the
wife's knickers off!"
"What's the rush?" his mate asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied.

9898989898

A little girl was licking a lollipop at a hairdressers a drops it into a heap of cut hair lying
on the floor, the hairdresser says to her: Oh, "have you got hair on your lollipop"?
"No", answers the little girl, "I'm only three."

 

[melody]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris.. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fucking number!"
and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could
be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found
that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or
had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It
always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar
with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some
guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler,
and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now,
when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.
He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah,"
He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
I said, "Make me."
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler,
I have a black Bimmer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole."
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass!"
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over
there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down
in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there
just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded
by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
____________

Q: What's worse than silicone tits?
A: A cardboard box.

Q: What do you Call a period?
A: A waste of fucking time.

Q: What's the difference between a clit and a mobile phone?
A: Nothing. Almost every cunt's got one.

 

[melody]

Definitions By Gender

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

aaaaaaaaaa

Q. What's the main difference between fucking a regular woman and fucking a woman with no arms?
A. When you fuck a woman with no arms and it pops out, you're the one who has to put it back in.

Q. How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A. Pick him up and suck his dick

Q. Why does a bride smile as she walks up the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.

 

[melody]

The New Square Dance

Up With The Petticoat,
Down With The Pants.
In With The Pecker,
Everybody Dance.
Girls With Rags On,
Up Against The Walls.
Guys With A Hard On,
Promenade The Halls.
Girls Grab Your Partners
Firmly By The Balls.
Drag Him Down The
Length Of The Halls.
Make Him Holler,
Make Him Shout.
Put Your Pretty Ass
Up Against His Snout
First Lady Go
Second Lady Pass
Third Lady's Finger
Up The Fourth Guy's Ass
Finger Out
Promenade The Halls
Now Release The
Poor Guy's Balls
Then Down With The Petticoat
Up With The Pants
This Is The End Of
The New Square Dance!
--------
Excuses for not giving a blow job

*** I thought only gay guys like that

*** I'll gag and blow chunks all over you

*** My head-gear will get in the way

*** I had a traumatic Popsicle accident as a child

*** Sorry Joe, no sucky sucky!!

*** You piss with that thing

*** I choke on small bones

*** I'm afraid of getting pregnant

*** Do it yourself, like the dog you are

*** I Never will......@#$%^&**((*&^%$#...uugh

 

[melody]

Jerry Springers Future Stories

If you like watching your Dad and Mom have sex on their own website, call 1-800-Jerry and tell your story!

If your father's sister's mother's aunt's grandfather's nephew's cousin is your bi-sexual lover and they want you to have sex while the family watches, but you're against it... Please Call 1-800-69-JERRY

Are you a transexual with a story to tell? Call Associate Producer Deb at 888-321-5387

IF YOUR MOM IS YOUR COUSIN, AUNT, UNCLE AND DAD AND YOU HAVE THE URGE TO HAVE HER CHILDREN-CALL 1-800-JERRY AND SHARE YOUR STORY.

Does your college roommate beat off in the middle of the night and you want to confront him call us at 1-800-JERRY

Are you a bald, one legged male prostitute, And want to confront your one eyed pimp on our show? Call 1-800-JERRY

Are you a schizophrenic necrophiliac, and 3 different personalities want to propose to your canine companion? Call 1-800-JERRY

If your penis is 2 inches.......from the ground call 1-800-hi-JERRY

Is your gay son using your douche to satisfy his gay needs?? If so call 1-800-89-JERRY

Is your dad a cross-dressing pedophile? If so call 1-800-96JERRY

If your father is your mother's cousin and you are currently having an affair with your sister(or is it your aunt?)

Are you a pregnant prostitute who is in love with your pimp and his girlfriend and want to confront them both on our show? Call 1-800-96JERRY

Is your gay lover having an affair with both your parents? Then call 1-800 Jerry Jokes.

If your mom is thinking of becoming a man to satisfy your father's gay curiosity,please call us at 1-800 Jerry jokes!!

Is your Dad a Grand Dragon in the KKK, and you are having an interracial sex affair? If so, call 1 800 Jerry and tell us your story!

Do you suspect your wife or partner of having sexual relations with the family pet? Call 1 800 Jerry and tell us your story!

*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» *~»§«~* *~»§«~*~»

Why does a blonde insist on her boyfriend wearing a condom?
So she can have a doggie bag for later.

=====

Definition of a really good friend:
A Really good friend will go Downtown and get 2 blowjobs, and then come
back and give you one!!!!

=====

"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?" asked John.
"I used two fingers." Said the doctor.
"What for?" asked John.
"I needed a second opinion."

=====

Two women were having coffee, when one said, "I used to call my ex
'Superman' when we were in bed." The second commented, "How flattering!"
to which the first replied, "Not really! I meant that he was faster
than a speeding bullet."

 

[melody]

Chop and Drop Syndrome

WOMEN CHOPS OFF SLEEPING HUSBAND'S PENIS, DROPS IT FROM MOVING CAR!"

DON'T LAUGH, ITS TRUE! IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!!

Right now, thousands of agitated, irate women have read this headline and are contemplating similar action against you the next time you make an unwanted sexual advance, look at them the wrong way, or just generally piss them off!

MEN, PROTECT YOURSELF NOW!
If you found yourself a victim of CDS (Chop and Drop Syndrome), could you be sure the appropriate authorities would find your chopped member in time, and intact!
Could you be sure the penis part they found was even yours?

INQUIRE NOW ABOUT OUR LOW COST PENIS PROTECTION PLAN!

Plan A - The "Basic Package" We will register your penis and scrotum and tattoo them with their own unique registration numbers, insuring that in case of separation, you will get a perfect match EVERY TIME!

Plan B - The "Jurassic Prick" program. We will take a cell sample from your penis and clone replacement parts for you in the event a tractor-trailer rig runs over your penis, or some wild animal mistakes your detached member for a chew toy!

Plan C - "Balls of Steel" For those of you who believe in prevention, we offer a one-size-fits-all battery operated stainless steel jock strap that can be worn when necessary.
When you are asleep, an alarm will be activated when metal or other hazardous objects come within one foot of the jock strap. This will guarantee you a full night's sleep, free of worry!

DON'T GET CAUGHT SHORT...... ORDER TODAY!

CALL 1-800-SAV-A-DIK

nnnnnnnnnn

I heard that she'd never say no
To oral sex. Just 10 bucks a blow.
But when down on her knees,
I said, "Oh, baby, please
Move up, you're too low, that's my toe!"

There once was an old man from Wicket.
Who asked a young lady to lick it.
She promptly said no, And started to go,
But she did tell him where he could stick it.
I'll bury my face in your bush
And grab me two handfuls of tush
I'll lick and I'll linger
Maybe insert a finger
Till you get an incredible rush

 

[melody]

Tale Of Freddy Law

This is the tale of Freddy Law
whose sexual equipment got jammed in the door.
By the time they freed him, he didn't feel well
for his private parts were mangled to hell.

They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew,
but when they arrived, there's nought they could do.
What a bad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
to live with no sex and a high squeaking voice.

But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool,
some bright spark suggested a "Bionic Tool".
A smart new electric one, made out of brass,
though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse.

Now newly equipped and after a rest,
Fred thought he would put the tool to the test.
So finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
supplied her with drink and made her feel randy

She, without waiting, put her hand in Fred's flies,
as she felt what was there, gave a cry of surprise.
"That's my Bionic Chopper. Now lets have some fun".
"Cor blimey" she said, "It felt like a gun."

They both stripped quick and Fred entered her fast,
he turned up the control knob and gave her full blast.
They clung to each other as Fred's dick shook some more,
then they bounced off the bed and onto the floor.

Now the pace hotted up and they started to choke,
as the room became filled with blue dirty smoke.
With a bang Fred's left bullock shot up in the air,
and his other one went bonkety-bonk down the stair.

So back for repair went Fred full of woe,
Was this how his sex life was destined to go ?
To return to his doctor at the end of each shag
with his tool in his pocket and his balls in a bag ?

But they fixed up young Fred, made him manly again,
for they boosted his batteries with a flex from the main.
So if he cant get a girl, now poor Fred doesn't cry,
he just flicks on the switch and jerks himself dry

======

Suffering from a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay fellow goes to
see his doctor. After his examination the physician prescribes
suppositories twice a day.

When it comes time to use the first suppository the young man is
concerned he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom,
bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up
the target.

All of a sudden, his penis starts to stiffen, blocking his view.

"Oh, stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "it's only me."

 

[melody]

Naughty Funnies

SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST!

A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND
ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS!!!

THIS IS A SCAM, HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS!
(I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.)
__________

One day at lunch Little Johnny asked one of the kids at school a
question. "Billy, if you woke up in the middle of the forest, covered in
KY Jelly, naked in a sleeping bag, and your ass was killing you, would
you tell anybody?"

"No way!" said Billy, "I'd be too embarrassed."

So Little Johnny asked, "Wanna go camping?"
__________

Q: What's worse than a cardboard box?
A: Paper tits!

Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Q: How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
A: When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
A: Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q: What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of each other?
A: A block of flaps

Q: What do rednecks do for Halloween?
A: Pump kin.

Q: What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A: A conga in an old people's home!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer

Q: What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?
A: Toast is brown on both sides.

Q: How do you recycle a used rubber?
A: You turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
He could read lips.

Q: What's the difference between a man and a hog?
A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night long,
just to fuck some pig.

What defines a truly sensitive, 90's type guy?
He doesn't make his girlfriend blow him after he buttfucks her.

What do women and prawns have in common?
Their heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great

 

[melody]

Tasteless Fat Jokes

Mick, a 400 pound country boy had a lot of trouble getting dates with girls. His friends, however, found a 350 pound girl who seemed willing to go out with him. Before his first date, Mick's friend's advised him to be nice to her at first.
"Compliment her on something." They told him, "Chicks always like to hear good things about themselves!"
Mick decided to give it a try, so he left to pick up his hefty honey. His friends were surprised when Mick returned an hour later, all alone.
"What happened?" his friends asked.
"I dunno," Mick replied, "After walking her from the door to the car, I took your advice, and she ran off crying."
"What did you say to her Mick?" his friends asked.
"I told her that for a fat, ugly broad, she didn't sweat so much!" cried Mick.

=======

A wife went home to her husband and told him that she wanted two thousand dollars for a breast enlargement.
"You want two grand for what?" he replied.
"For a breast enlargement!" she said.
"Listen," replied her husband, "Why don't you wipe toilet paper between your tits every day!"
"Why," she asked, "Will that make them bigger?"
"Well it did wonders for your big fat arse didn't it!" he laughed.

=======

How do you know when you are just TOO fat?
Your car has stretch marks!

How do you know when your woman is too fat?
When she needs an hour to take a shit - 45 minutes just to line her arse up!

How do you find a fat girl's cunt?
You flip through the folds until you smell shit, and then go back one!

How do you fuck a fat girl?
Roll her in flour and head for the wet spot!

How can you tell when your girlfriend is too fat?
When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo!
How can you tell when your overweight?
When you step on your dog's tail and it dies!

 

[melody]

Tasteless Prostitute Jokes

A cowboy arrives in a little town, enters the saloon and screams, "I want a woman, I want a fuck!"
"Welcome." says the owner, "We have Rosy the Red who fucks like three witches for only $30!"
"She's wonderful!" replied the cowboy, "But I don't have that much money!"
"No problem." said the owner, "For $20, Blondie the Blonde sucks your cock out of your underwear!"
"She's real pretty," replied the cowboy, "But I don't have that much money!"
"No problem sir!" said the owner, "For $10 Terry the Terrible will keep your cock in her hand til the mornin!"
"She's nice," replied the cowboy, "But I don't hav......"
"How much fucking money do you have then?" screamed the owner.
"Errrrr," whispered the cowboy, "25 cents!"
"Allright then," gasped the owner, "Go upstairs to room 22!"
The cowboy runs upstairs, opens the door of room 22, and on the bed sees a nice young girl lying with her legs wide open. He jumps on her and begins fucking. After ten minutes he goes downstairs and says to the owner, "I... I think I have a problem!"
"What about?" replied the owner.
"Well," said the cowboy, "You know the young lady in room 22.....I was having fun with her and suddenly she turned her face and threw up a load of white mess!"
"Oh shit!" screamed the owner, "Someone go and change the corpse in room 22, it's full again!"

XXXXXXXXXX

A guy had only $5.00, but he just had to have some sex, so he went to the whore house and asked what he could get for $5.00. The madam said that she did not have anything, but the guy insisted he HAD to get laid.
She finally felt sorry for the poor bastard, so she took him up to a really old lady who cleans up the place, and said he could have her for $5.00.
They started getting it on, but the old lady was really dry and rough. After awhile, however, it got really moist and smooth. He finally exploded and they started talking about it.
He told her how rough it was at the start, but how GREAT it got, and that it was the best he had ever had, once things started moving.
"Yeah I know what you mean," replied the old cleaning lady, "Once all those blisters popped it felt great to me as well!"

XXXXXXXXXX

Two prostitutes were standing on the corner when one of them suddenly turned to the other and said, "I know this sounds crazy, but I can smell cock!"
"Take it easy," replied the second prostitute, "I just burped!"

 

[melody]

Tasteless Death Jokes

A strange looking man walked into a funeral home and said to the mortician, "I will give you $100 for the vagina of the blonde lying in that casket in the front room."
The mortician looks at the guy in disgust, "Are you mad?" he replies, "I could lose my license!"
"How about the $200 then!" the man says.
The mortician thought about this for a moment, then said, "All right, you have a deal, but keep it quiet OK?"
Locking the doors and pulling the drapes, he went to work, scalpel in hand.
In minutes he was holding a dripping bloody pussy at arms length, and he asked nervously, "How would you like it wrapped?"
"Never mind wrapping it," said the man, "I will eat it here!"

BBBBBBBBBBB

The Top Ten Reasons Why Suicide Is Better Than Sex!
10) You can still commit suicide when you're drunk.
09) You don't have to worry about 'safe' suicide.
08) Nobody wakes you up to ask for more.
07) There is no limit to the number of techniques.
06) Nobody ever asks for a long term suicide commitment.
05) Who cares if you get a disease?
04) Doing it by yourself is just as good.
03) It's easier than finding a date on a Saturday night.
02) Nobody ever complains about 'bad' suicide.
01) You don't have to clean up the mess.

BBBBBBBBBB

What did the husband do when he saw his wife staggering around the backyard?
He reloaded and shot her again!

What's the worse thing about having to kiss Grandma?
When the coffin lid falls and hits you on the head!

How does an artist draw an LA gang member?
Outlined in chalk!

How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her!

 

[melody]

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been
decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and
walking home they need to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one
of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties,
used them and threw them away. Her friend however was lucky enough to
salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded
to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and
said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home
last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine
came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, `
"From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you.'"

]]]]]

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

]]]]]

What can make you feel really good or be very annoying?
A woman's mouth!

]]]]]

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take
them while driving.

]]]]]

The teacher once asked the class to make a sentence with the phrase
pistol too.
Little Jimmy raised his hand, and after being recognized, said
"The lone Ranger tamed the wild west with his faithful indian companion
and his pistol too".
Very good says the teacher.
Little Johnnie raised his hand, and after being called on said
"Down at our house we make homebrew, drink till twelve and piss till two".

 

[melody]

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD ( With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not! faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

nnnnn

The three stages of increasing gut size consist of the following:
Stage 1. You can no longer see your penis.
Stage 2. You can no longer see if your penis is erect or not.
Stage 3. You can no longer see who is giving you head.

 

[melody]

Naughty Jokes

Two young girls were talking about their active sex lives when the first girl said, "Oh my god!, it was really great, but I was so scared after his rubber broke. I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week." "What happened then?" said her intrigued friend. She answered, "I was so worried I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the last little piece of hair out with dental floss."

May your bleeding piles torment you
And corns grow on your feet
And crabs the size of horse turds
Get on your balls and eat
And when you're old and feeble
A syphilitic wreck
May your head fall through your asshole
And break your fucking neck


There was a young gypsy girl Rose
With obsessions for gentlemens' hose.
Up her pussy, her rear,
In her mouth and each ear
And her cute little freckle-tipped nose.


A worried father confronted his Arkansaan daughter one night. "I
don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and ugly and really
stupid, too."
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Billy-Bubba's ever so
clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of
that illness I used to get once a month."

 

[melody]

Half Full Bucket

A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a
blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off
without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half full bucket
of sperm beside the bed.

He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his
life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth.
She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum
into that damned bucket.

The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?"

She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet.
Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."

o0o0o0

A girl came home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair.

"Sally," she said, "you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding."

"I didn't mom," Sally replied. "I was giving a blowjob to a Chinese guy and he threw up on me."

o0o0o0

Two blacks and a Polack are walking down the street. One black
snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got the rhythm." The other
black snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got the rhythm."
The polack snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got this snot
on my finger!"

 

[melody]

Things That Only Happen In Movies

* Any computer system can be hacked in 60 seconds.
* Phones always ring during a break in conversation... and the call is always relevant to the scene... and there's no call-waiting.
* No one ever thinks of a better comeback to an insult the next day.
* If you meet someone and arrange to go on a date, you'll offer to pick them up tomorrow at eight, but never exchange addresses or phone numbers.
* Rogues are always lovable and endearing.
* All combat is eventually resolved hand-to-hand.
* The bad guys attack one at a time.
* Small, fast people can beat up large, strong people.
* When you punch or kick someone, they go flying across the room.
* Stalking a woman makes her fall in love with you.
* The dumbest, most annoying, most bumbling character will be a white male.
* Breaking the rules always turns out well.
* Anyone can jump a 10-foot chain-link fence with minimal effort (unless a dog is in pursuit).
* Getting thrown through a window is merely a minor annoyance. Likewise falling down stairs.
* All offices have windows.
* 95% of computers are Macs.
* Cars are always clean, even if they're old and busted.
* Pedestrians are never hit during a car chase.
* Getting shot once anywhere by any gun will knock you down.
* Old people are amazed and confused by the antics of young people.
* White people are amazed and confused by the antics of black people.
* Caves and tunnels will never be pitch black, but will always be lit by concealed, indirect lighting.
* If you turn off the lights in a room at night, lights outside a window will turn on.
* It's easy to chop off a head or limb with one blow... and to cut through armour... and to jump onto a horse while wearing armor... and to run around in armour.
* Animals are invulnerable.
* Kids are smarter than adults.
* Kids can drive cars.
* Kids can beat up adults using karate.
* Kids are always good judges of character.
* High school students are 25 years old... and still wear their backpacks on one shoulder.
* Only bad guys smoke (these days).
* Ugly people are just beautiful people with dumpy clothes and bad haircuts.

@@@

A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there.
He
replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it."

The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it
out I'll have a look for you."

The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his
underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor
says, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it."

To which the man replies, "I know, it's a fucking beauty, eh?!"

 

[melody]

E-Mail / IM Chat Room Survival Kit

AOL~~ Assholes On Line
ASAP~~ As Soon As Possible
ASAFP~~ As Soon As Friggin Possible
AWGTHTGTTA~~ Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Again
AWGTHTGTTSA~~ Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Shit Again
BFD~~ Big Fucking Deal
BMD~~ Buy Me Dildo
BTSOOM~~ Beats The Shit Out Of Me
BT~~ Byte This!
BTWBO~~ Be There With Bells On
CMF~~ Count My Fingers!
CTC~~ Choking The Chicken
DBEYR~~ Don't Believe Everything You Read
DHYB~~ Don't Hold Your Breath
DILDO~~ Darlin' I'll Lick De Ole
DILLIGAD~~ Do I Look Like I Give A Damn
DQYDJ~~ Don't Quit You're Day Job
DYSTSOTT~~ Did You See The Size Of That Thing
FTASB~~ Faster Than A Speeding Bullet
FUBAR~~ Fucked Up Beyond All Repair
FUBB~~ Fucked Up Beyond Belief
FYI~~ For Your Information
FYM~~ For Your Misinformation
GR&D~~ Grinning Running & Ducking
HAK~~ Hugs And Kisses
HUYA~~ Head Up Your A$$
HHOK~~ Ha Ha, Only Kidding
HHO1/2K~~ Ha Ha, Only Half Kidding
HIOOC~~ Help! I'm Out Of Coffee!
IANAC~~ I Am Not A Crook
IFABCTE~~ I Found A Bug, Call The Exterminator
IITYWTMWYKM~~ If I Tell You What This Means Will You Kiss Me
IITYWTMWYBMAD~~ If I Tell You What This Means Will You Buy Me A Drink
IITYWTMWYLMA~~ If I Tell You What This Means Will You Leave Me Alone
IIWM~~ If It Were Me
ILSHIBAMF~~ I Laughed So Hard I Broke All My Furniture
ILSHIBMS~~ I Laughed So Hard I Broke My Stitches
IMHO~~ In My Humble Opinion
IMNSHO~~ In My Not So Humble Opinion
KISS~~ Keep It Simple Stupid
LDTTWA~~ Let's Do The Time Warp Again
LOL~~ Laughing Out Loud
LSHHTCMS~~ Laughed So Hard, Had To Change My Shorts
LTIP~~ Laughing Till I Puke
MTFBWY~~ May The Force Be With You
NBFD~~ No Big Fucking Deal
NFW~~ No Fucking Way
NYCFS~~ New York City Finger Salute
OMIK~~ Open Mouth, Insert Keyboard
ONNA~~ Oh No, Not Again
ONNTA~~ Oh No Not This Again
OTOH~~ On The Other Hand
OTOOH~~ On The Other Other Hand
OTSH~~ On The Same Hand
PITA~~ Pain In The A$$
PMF~~ Pull My Finger
RTFM~~ Read The Fucking Manual (or Message)
SH~~ Shit Happens
SH2M~~ Shit Happens To Me
SOI~~ Sit On It
SOL~~ Shit Outta Luck
TAFL~~ Take A Flying Leap
TDTM~~ Talk Dirty To Me
TFASB~~ Time For A Sex Break
TIC~~ Tongue In Cheek
TISEC~~ Tongue In Someone Else's Cheek
TLA~~ Three Letter Acronym (such as this)
TM~~ Trust Me
TSR~~ Totally Stuck in RAM
TTT~~ That's The Ticket
TWHAB~~ This Won't Hurt A Bit
VI~~ Village Idiot
WDIPME~~ Where Did I Put My Excedrin
WGAFS ~~Who Gives A Flying Squat
WTHDTIM~~ What The Hell Do These Initials Mean
WTSDS~~ Where The Sun Don't Shine
WWW~~ World Wide Wait
WYSIWYG~~ What You See Is What You Get
WYSIUWYW~~ What You See Isn't Usually What You Want
YGBFK~~ You Gotta Be Fucking Kiddin'

 

[melody]

Nasty Limericks

There once was a man named Sweeny
Whose wife was a terrible meany
The hatch on her snatch
Had a catch that would latch
And she could only get fucked by Houdini.

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

There once was a girl named Kate,
Whose pussy smelled like bait!
Whenever Jeff pounds her
The room reeks of flounder.
Her twat, she should refrigerate.
«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

There once was a man named Odom
Whose balls were too big for his scrotum
Though it was relief that he sought
It all went for naught
Cause he didn't know how to unloadem

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

There was a guy from Nantucket
He told his wife to suck it
When he didn't cum
She said he was dumb
And hit him upside the head with a bucket.

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

There once was a man named Matt
Who was short, bald, ugly, and fat.
I'm willing to bet,
The only pussy he gets
Is when he goes home to his cat.

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

There once was a man named Vic
Who pleasured himself with a stick
He once got it stuck
And said "what the fuck?"
And now there's no room for a prick!

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

There was a man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

There was a farting contest coming to town
and people came from miles around
the first fart was extremely loud
the second fart pleased the crowd
the third fart, the judges cried
"He shit his pants, he's disqualified!"

 

[melody]

Little Known Sexual Facts

(**) Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any group of
mammals that exist- especially fruit bats.

(**) Lions will have sex about 500 times with one mate. This is to
ensure fertilization.

(**) In Texas it is illegal to have sex with a fish, in Florida it is
illegal to get a fish drunk, and N. Carolina thought both laws were good
so there it is illegal to have sex with a drunk fish.

(**) Dolphins and humans are the only known animals that have sex for
pleasure.

(**) The bonobo monkeys use sex (and/or sexual favors) to placate
members of their social group instead of grooming. They are one of the
few species of animals (humans being another) that have sex out of
season and for fun.

(**) Sperm Whales are sexually mature at birth.

(**) In Argentina, it is rumored that eating cats is good for your
health and stimulates sexual potency.

(**) You can tell a turtle's sex by its sound. Males grunt, females
hiss.

(**) Human birth control pills work on gorillas.

(**) The eagle has sex while going up to 60 mph. in flight, and it is
common for both eagles to hit the ground before they finish.

(**) Apart from humans, certain species of chimpanzee are the only
animals to experiment sexually. They have been known to 'wife swap' and
indulge in group sex.

(**) According to Dr. David Gems, a British geneticist, sex-craved male
mice, who spend 5 to 11 hours per day pursuing female mice, could live
years longer if they abstained.

(**) In the past 60 years, the groundhog has only predicted the weather
correctly 28% of the time. The rushing back and forth from burrows is
believed to indicate sexual activity, not shadow seeking.

(**) A certain musical note can sexually excite cats -- the same note
when played for kittens makes them want to go to the bathroom.

(**) If disconnected, the sex organs (or gonads) of an armadillo are
still active.

(**) The ten-inch Banana Slugs of the Northwest end their 30 hour
hermaphroditic mating session by chewing off each other's male sex
organs.

(**) Mosquitoes perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds.

(**) The largest living animal, the blue whale, naturally enough also
has the largest penis, measuring approximately 10 feet long and 1 foot
in diameter. It's cousin, the sperm whale, gets as big as 9 feet. And
yes, the sperm whale is so named because early sailors thought those
gallons of white, gooey oil found in its head was indeed sperm.

(**) Long a symbol of sexual potency, the rhinoceros can ejaculate ten
times or more during his half hour session with a female. They also have
penises that are 2 feet long.

(**) Though barnacles can't move, they still mate via an extraordinarily
long penis (150% their body length) that reaches over and into the
female's mantle cavity.

(**) Female chimpanzees have been observed masturbating with their
fingers, twigs and a water faucet.

(**) A drone honeybee will wait his whole life for one chance to mate
with a queen. As soon as the queen opens her sting chamber to receive
him, he explodes, his genitals bursting forth like a detonating grenade.
Plugged, the queen flies away, leaving the drone to fall to the ground
dead and eviscerated, albeit with a smile on his face.

(**) Fleas are known to engage in sex immediately after feasting on
rabbit's blood specifically if the opportunity presents itself.

(**) Gorilla penises are only a third of that of an average man's.

(**) Humans aren't the only female animals that can experience orgasm;
some rabbits and ferrets do as well.

(**) A whale's penis is called a dork, which incidentally, is where we
get the derogatory slang.

(**) Porpoises have been known to engage in group sex.

(**) Pigs do indeed have a corkscrew-shaped penis. When engaged in sex,
the male's penis will make semi-rotary actions until it becomes firmly
secured in the folds of the female's cervix at which point the male
ejaculates, a process which in itself takes as long as 30 minutes.

(**) Female baboons have been known to engage in a primitive form of
prostitution by stealing food during sex.

(**) The average mink sexual encounter lasts for several hours (how do
you think they get their coats so shiny?)

(**) 22.75 hours is the current record for the longest rattlesnake
mating session.

(**) The female bedbug is born without any external sex organs. So the
male bedbug has to drill his pointed penis to drill a hole into her
partner's gut and deposit his sperm into her bloodstream. During long
spells without access to human blood, the female's been known to dine on
her male partner's semen.

(**) Capuchin monkeys usually say hello by showing each other their
erections.

(**) Perhaps the originator of the "quickie," a baboon engages in a
typical sex session that lasts all of 15 seconds.