JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Ladies Room

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men’s room door, it was "OCCUPIED".
The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the Ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP, and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!" Still curious he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The Button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared , he cried out, "what happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover...... Your penis is under your pillow!"

<><><><><>

An 80 year old man walks into a fertility clinic with his 75 year old wife. He walks up to the doctor and tells him of their plan to have another child.
The doctor tells the man he'll need a sperm sample to see if that was possible. He hands the old man a plastic jar and tells him where to go. The old boy takes his wife by the hand and heads for the room.
Two hours later the doctor was beginning to wonder if they would ever come out. The two finally emerged looking embarrassed.
"I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried with her teeth in, and she tried with her teeth out," cried the man. "But we still can't get the fucking lid off this thing!"

 

[melody]

GUYS SUCK......And Let Me Tell You Why

FARTING - How come it's cool for you to do it and
disgusting if we do it. And must you lift your
leg?

JOCK-ITCH - Get help! Do you see us scratch?
We don't want to see you scratch either.

PORNOS - Why do you want to see other guys
getting what you can't.
By the way, it's not good for our skin.

PICK UP LINES - Not!

DOUBLE STANDARDS - If you can do it, why the hell
can't we?

HONESTY - Learn the concept. It is a good thing.

SENSITIVITY - Get some!!!!

DEODORANT - It's only small change at the corner
store. Buy it.

LOCKER ROOMS - Hello.....air freshner.

HEADS - We know you have two. Keep one in your
pants and get the other out of your ass.

You can't beat up everyone who looks at us.

Being drunk is not an excuse to sleep with any
thing on legs.

Believe me, sex is NOT number one and you are NOT
number one at it.

Why must you tell ALL of your friends about
everything you do with a girl? They all had the
same DREAM last night anyway.

Do not blame everything we do on P.M.S. You
should be glad we're not pregnant.

Try matching your maturity level to your age.

We are NOT objects. We have feelings, thoughts
and ideas. We can even form words like "FUCK
YOU!!!"

There is more to life than playing cards and
video games - How old are you??

Why do we have to look good and you can look like
shit?

Can we eat like humans - utensils were made
especially for this purpose. Ever heard of
knives, forks, and spoons? How about napkins?
(This does not include shirt sleeves.)

WAKE UP CALL! - Wasting a ton of money on tuition
every year to get drunk, get laid, and play
sports is fucking retarded. If you're interested,
become a professional athlete and at least GET
PAID for it.

I am not putting myself through school to carry
your sorry, lazy ass through life.

BIRTHDAYS - If you can remember the size of your
cock to the exact millimeter, then you can
remember my birthday.

Rulers were not made to measure your genitalia.
They were not made that small. Why measure it
anyway? There will always be someone bigger and
believe me, we can find him.

Romance is not three seconds of sweat and nothing
and then rolling over and going to sleep.

The one thing you are good for, you are not good
at!

Remember Meg Ryan's famous 'faking an orgasm
scene'? Sound familiar?

When we say we're lost without you, we're
probably high.

When you screw up, a rose would suffice, but if
it's not too much trouble, a dozen would be
nice.

WANDERING EYES - We know you look. Try not to
make it so obvious.

GET A CLUE! - When we say "HARDER!, FASTER!"
we're not referring to your breathing pattern.

To the FEW nice guys who don't apply to these
statements and never get the time of day,
here's a note of hope.....WE'LL WISE UP SOONER OR
LATER AND YOU'LL GET YOUR CHANCE. HANG IN THERE.

 

[melody]

Q. What's the first thing a women released from a battered women's
shelter should do?
A. The dishes, if she's smart.

Q. What's green and melts in your mouth.
A. A leper's cock!

Q: What do you give the pedophile who has everything?
A: Another parish

Q: What did the little girl say to the lesbian pedophile?
A: Can I go to sleep now mummy?

Q: What's better than doing a ten year old boy?
A: Rolling him over & finding out he's his seven year old sister.

Q: What did one pedophile say to the other?
A: Have you got two five's for a ten?

Q: What's the difference between a pedophile and a pediatrician?
A: The pedophile really loves children

Q: What is the definition of Gross?
A1: Kissing your grandmother and she slips you the tongue.
A2: Biting into a hot dog and it has veins.
A3: When you throw your undies at the wall, and they stick.
A4: You're sitting on you grandfather's lap and he pop a boner.
A5: Your little brother has lost his scab collection and you're
eating his corn flakes.
A6: Finding a string in your bloody mary.

Q. What is black and sits at the top of a set of stairs?.
A. A quadraplegic in a house fire.

Q. What did the mongoloid say to his dog?
A. Downsyndrome!!

Q. Did you hear the good news, about the death rate from AIDS dropping?
A. It's because most of the faggots are now dead.

Q. What do you do after you just raped a 12 yr old deaf & dumb girl ?
A. Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum.

Q. How do you cook vegetables in the microwave ?
A. Take them out of their wheelchair.

Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeve and OJ Simpson?
A. Christopher Reeve got the electric chair!....and O.J walked!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

There once was this bum fucking faggot!
He'd see anything male, and he'd shag it!
One day he fucked the wrong ass
Now he's pushing up grass
And his only mate is a maggot!

 

[melody]

Little Tommy

Little Tommy burst through the bathroom door without
knocking and surprised his mother standing naked in the shower
toweling herself dry. His eyes immediately riveted on the thick
bush of dark hair between her legs.
"What's that?" Tommy cried with the enthusiasm of discovery.

"Oh, ah, I, ah, oh, that's my black sponge," recovered Tommy's mother.

Apparently satisfied with the explanation, he went
about his business until a few days later when he rushed into
the kitchen with his playmate Joey. "Mommy, Mommy, Joey wants to
see your black sponge."

"Oh, I, ah, oh, I lost it," Tommy's quick-thinking mother offered.

Tommy was disappointed, but disappointment is easily forgotten
by little boys. And so was the black sponge until some
time later when Tommy, flushed with delight, again rushed in to his mother,
"Mommy, Mommy, I found your black sponge.
The maid's cleaning Daddy's face with it!"

@@@

The businessman came home form work about 6 pm.
He'd barely gotten in the door before his wife greeted
him with a passionate kiss.
Then she pulled him into the bedroom, pushed him down on the bed,
unzipped his fly, and began to give him a fantastic blow job.

Not daring to interrupt her, he waits until he has gotten off in a
mighty explosion,which his wife slurps up eagerly and swallows.

He stares fondly at her, then asks,

"All right, dear, what did you do to the car THIS time?"

@@@

A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down.
This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head
out of the front door and yelled, "You need more tail!"

The father yelled back, "Fuck You, I told you yesterday that I
needed more tail,... and you told me to go fly a kite!"

 

[melody]

Nasty Laughs

Three gays were talking about their perfect reincarnation. The
first one says, "I'd love to reincarnate in a mirror and see
all those handsome men shave in the mornings."

The second gay guy says, "I wish I were underwear so I could
rub my face in their dicks and asses."

The third gay guy was thinking of something better to say,
and replied, "I'd love to be an ambulance. I would love to have
three or four men stuck through my behind at a time and then
run through the streets of the city shouting, 'Ooha-ooha,
ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha'."

!!!!!

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

!!!!!

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.
After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

!!!!!

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

!!!!!

A fag goes to the proctologist complaining that his backside
hurts. The doctor says, "That's because you've got a dozen
roses shoved up your ass."

"Ooh, read the card!"

 

[melody]

There was a young lady from Leith,
who would circumcise men with her teeth,
It wasn't for fame, or love of the game
But to get at the cheese underneath.
_____

There once was a man named Homer
who had a kidney stone stuck in his boner.
He did scream and shout
When they yanked that sucker out.
And his piss shot all the way to Tacoma!
_____

There was a young vampire called mable,
whose periods were always quite stable,
at every full moon she took out a spoon,
and drank herself under the table.

*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~»

A mountain man comes down from the hills and sees a deserted cabin. On
one wall of the cabin is a knothole about waist-high that's shaped like
a cunt.

He looks around, pulls down his pants, and starts fucking. After a few
minutes, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns, and there's a man
standing there.

The man says, "Hey, would you mind doin' that from the inside out? My
family's eatin' dinner."

*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~»

Have you heard about the new lesbian tennis shoe called "Dyke"
(pronounced DIE-KEY)?
Yeah! It has an extra long tongue and it only takes one finger to get it
off!
_____

You know what a fart is, don't you?
A piece of shit honking for the right of way
_____

A guy pulls up to a little girl playing on the sidewalk and says, "Hey,
little girl, want a lollipop?"
The girl says, "My mommy told me not to take candy from strangers. But
if you give me twenty bucks, I'll suck your cock."
_____

How do you fuck a fat chick?
Get a pound of hamburger and a poodle. Put the hamburger in her pussy,
and while the dog eats the hamburger, fuck it up the ass.

 

[melody]

THE REDNECK INTELLIGENCE TEST

Study each question carefully, then choose the answer that seems "most"
correct (TRUE or FALSE) and mark an "X" (just like you sign your name)
on the appropriate line at the right.

1. A clitoris is a type of flower____TRUE____FALSE

2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit ____TRUE____FALSE

3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird ____TRUE____FALSE

4. Vagina - a medical term to describe heart trouble.____TRUE____FALSE

5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels ____TRUE____FALSE

6. A G-string is a part of a violin ____TRUE____FALSE

7. Semen is another word for sailor ____TRUE____FALSE

8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly" ____TRUE____FALSE

9. Testicles are found on an octopus ____TRUE____FALSE

10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles ____TRUE____FALSE

11. Masturbate is used to catch a large fish ____TRUE____FALSE

12. Kotex is a radio station in Bryan, Tx ____TRUE____FALSE

13. Coitus is a musical instrument ____TRUE____FALSE

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke ____TRUE____FALSE

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute ____TRUE____FALSE

16. A condom is an apartment complex ____TRUE____FALSE

17. orgasm - accompanies the choir at church ____TRUE____FALSE

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry ____TRUE____FALSE

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle ____TRUE____FALSE

20. Erection - when the Japanese vote for their new
government____TRUE____FALSE

21. A lesbian is a person from the middle east ____TRUE____FALSE

22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass ____TRUE____FALSE

23. Pornography is the business of making record
albums____TRUE____FALSE

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish faith ____TRUE____FALSE

25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve" ____TRUE____FALSE

26. An enema is someone who is not your friend ____TRUE____FALSE

27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese ____TRUE____FALSE

28. Scrotum is a small planet near Venus ____TRUE____FALSE

29. "Cock" is a bird that crows in the morning ____TRUE____FALSE

 

[melody]

You Know You Are Living In 2009 When...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.

=====

Q. Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?
A. They hid their own eggs!

Q. What's the hottest thing in the world?
A. Two rats fucking in a wool sock.

Q. What do your parents' car and testicles have in common?
A. Hit either one of them and you're grounded.

Q. What do you get when you cross a brassiere with Texas?
A. Playtex.

Q. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A. Beef strokin' off.

Q. What did the guy say to his dick after he found that the girl he's getting ready to fuck has genital warts?
A. "Hang on, boy! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!"

Q. Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman?
A. Because you have to hollow the head out.

Q. What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it?
A. Strip Poker

 

[melody]

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?"
"Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"
"What should I do?" asked Gloria.
Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."



Little Red Riding Hood is minding her own business and walking through the forest. All of a sudden, the Big Bad Wolf jumps in front of her and screams, "Little Red Riding Hood, I AM GOING TO EAT YOU!!!!" Little Red Riding Hood jumps back in fright and yells, "OH NO!!! ARE YOU GOING TO EAT ME WHOLE????!!!" "Nah", says the wolf, "I thought I'd spit that part out."


A blonde walk into barbershop to get her hair cut. So the barber sits her down on the chair, and gets out his clippers and stops for a moment and asks the blonde to take off her head phones, but she says "I can't or else i will die." So he asks her again. But she says the same thing. So in his frustration he rips them off her head and she drops dead right on the spot. So in shock he picks up the head phones and puts them up to his ears and he hears "Breath in......Breath out.....Breath in....Breath out"

 

[melody]

In And Out Of A Coma

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You
know what?'
'What dear', she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill
with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck.'

======

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is
pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks
her if she has any questions.

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain.
How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to
woman and pregnancy to pregnancy... and besides, it's
difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

======

A man enters his apartment to find his wife making passionate love
on
the couch with another man, and he starts yelling at her.

"Oh, great!" said the woman. "Big mouth's home; now the whole
building will know!"

 

[melody]

Horse Tears

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff) , and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems.

"I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!"

The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

@@@

A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up.

The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up.

So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer? "

The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."

"Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.

"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.

"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.

Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"

The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."

 

[melody]

English language

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with

Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together kitchen
cabinets

Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of
loot

Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel
Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife

Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six

Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like,
submarines, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government
official

ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸, ø¤º°`°º¤ø

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you
think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the
BODY?"

 

[melody]

A D i c k ' s L i f e

Miserable Dick
When the guy is extremely handsome
He says the right things and does the right things
When it comes to sex, he is lacking in this department
He sucks your tits too hard
Kisses your mouth too long
Stays around your neck forever
Fingers you like a GYN Doctor
Licks your pussy like he's in a track meet
And has a very small dick
You try to give him head, only to find that you are actually sucking a pacifier

Tolerable Dick
This is a funny dick
He eats major pussy
He eats it so good, your knees feel a little weak
It was good enough to make you shed a tear
Then he puts his dick in, just for you to realize that you cannot really feel it!!
His stroke is UN-timely and non-rhythmic
You hold your pelvis real tight and try to visualize the last
big dick you had to get your mind off this less filling dick
The man will say, that we just have big pussies from having
too much sex and that is why we cannot feel him
Only for them to forget that the pussy is a muscle that
accommodates the size of the penis

Internet Dick
Well, how would we define this type of dick?
You see, online they talk a damn good game,
but you never know what to expect in person
Then you meet and you fuck and the dick is trash

Pissed Off Dick
The guy you're sleeping with punishes your pussy.
If he has a bad day at work he "punishes your pussy".
If he has a bad meal, "he punishes your pussy".
If he is pissed off at you, he punishes your pussy."
No matter what, he "punishes your pussy".
It is easy to tell if the guy you're with falls into this category.
He always uses phrases like these when he is fucking you ~
"DON'T RUN FROM THIS DICK", "AIN'T THIS SOME GOOD DICK?"
"TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS DICK", "WHAT'S MY NAME?",
"WHO'S PUSSY IS THIS?", "I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKIN' SHIT NOW", "YOU LIKE IT WHEN I GET IN THIS PUSSY DON'T YA?".

Guilty Dick
The dick you're getting from someone who is not your man.
Ladies, this is the type of dick that makes you cry and
confess to your man you fucked someone else.
The guilty dick made you want to tell somebody.
Guilty dick is in a class of its own.
Guilty dick will make you look and feel different about the dick you got at home.
Guilty dick makes you have multiple orgasms.
Makes you cry and you have no clue to why.
This dick is so intense, when it is being administered it sends you into a trance.
He has a slow, long stroke, sweats on you, asks you if your comfortable about six times,
you started at 6PM and it is now going on 9PM and he is not tired and hasn't cum yet.
The lips on your pussy are so swollen that if you got
outta bed they would be draggin' the ground.
It hurt so good. He licks on your pussy as if he was
a baby cat licking warm milk, he savors it like you're the main course meal.
He smells it like fine wine.
By now you're in shock and forget about your man.
He has at least two inches more than your man.
When you're back with your man, you're wondering why he can't perform like guilty dick.
You even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct him to do what guilty dick did to you.

Pleasurable Dick
This is good convenient dick.
Easy dick.
Dick you can call when your body needs a fix.
He gives you major head like GUILTY DICK, and fucks you like GUILTY DICK.
Only thing is, you do not have a man so you're not feeling guilty.
Whenever you call, this dick is ready.
His dick craves your pussy.
This dick is available in any place at anytime.

GawdDamn Dick
Ladies, now this is dick that will definitely send you to hell if you're not married to it.
His dick is anywhere from 9.5 to 11 inches long and has the circumference of a half dollar.
This dick makes you numb, cry and pray all at the same time.
While he is getting it doggy style, you look towards the heavens and say,
"GAWDDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD DICK".

Commitment Dick
This is the gold mine dick.
This dick is the dick that you commit yourself too.
You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept secret.
In fact, you constantly crave and feign for it.
When you get this dick, you go through convulsions.
This is the dick that makes you ever ready.
You call in sick from work for it.
This is the dick that you want to put insurance on,
just in case anything should happen to it.
This dick makes you stutter while speaking and has you nervous for no reason.
You lay back afterwards thinking
"THIS IS HOMEWRECKIN', GOTTA TELL MY MAMA,
GOTTA TELLS SOMEBODY ... ANYBODY! DICK"

 

[melody]

The Lord Created A Girl

First Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two lovely hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing,
Then he added a mouth, and
Ruined the whole fuckin thing.

o0o0o0o0o0

The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel.
The madam says to her,
" Do you have any questions?"
The hooker replies, " Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be
sucked?"
The madam says," The same as the short ones".

o0o0o0o0o0

A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some
refreshments and showed his date to her seat.

Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the
man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is
getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?"

"Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied.

 

[melody]

Spit or Swallow

Many men find it highly arousing to see their partner swallow their
ejaculate. However, this is really more of an emotional desire than a
physical one.
Where exactly the semen goes after it leaves your boyfriend's penis
does not impact his sensations.

For many men, it is much more about a feeling of acceptance by their partner;
it may feel like a form of rejection of him when you spit. On the other hand,
that does not mean that you should be engaging in behavior that you don't
enjoy. So what can you do to please your boyfriend without doing something
you hate? What many couples have compromised on is that the man
withdraws his penis prior to orgasm and ejaculates on his partner.
Alternatively, instead of spitting, you can let his semen slowly,
sensuously, drain out of your mouth. I guarantee he will like that.

No matter what you do, it is much more about attitude and context. There
is a tremendous difference between letting his ejaculate dribble out of your
smiling mouth, and jumping up to run to the bathroom to gargle!

*~»§«~*~» Ñ «~*~»§«~*


Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q: What's the best way to give your dog a bone?
A: Tickle his balls!

Q: What’s the definition of eternity?
A: The time between when you cum and she leaves.

Q: "Why do women have foreheads?"
A: "So that men have somewhere to kiss after they've given them a blow-job!"

*~»§«~*

Women just don't understand me, that's why I bought a dog. And this dog is like my dream date-as soon as I get her in the house, she's all over me, rubbing against my leg, licking my nuts..........I can't even get a girl to do that.......I can't even get a girl to shit on my carpet!

*~»§«~*

If a woman is uncomfortable watching me wank, should she:
a) Get to know me better?
b) Stop being such a prude?
or
c) Find another seat on the bus?

 

[melody]

Original Version Of Piss Pot Pete
A great classic joke

Now gather round children and I'll tell a story of old,
When men were brave and women were bold.

It all started a way out west,
To settle the bet of who was best.

Now Old Lill fucked everything that crawled or creeped,
And piled her victims in a great big heap.

There wasn't a man for miles around;
With a big enough rod to fuck her down.

Now news of this boast traveled far and wide;
Thousands of rod-toters came and died.

When down from Texas came Piss Pot Pete,
With eighteen pounds of Swinging Meat.

Eighteen pounds of meat, and thirty pounds of cod;
He wasn't a boy--he was a MAN, by God!

Pete laid it out on the Blue Balls Bar;
I'll swear it stretched from thar to...........thar.

Stunk like shit, I thought I'd die;
But he just laughed and let it lie.

Gentlemen, countrymen, boys in blue;
Came to witness this terrible screw.

People came from miles afar,
To place their bets at the Blue Balls Bar.

They met the next morning in the middle of the street,
The Mangey Whore and Piss Pot Pete.

Pete greased his dick with a tub of lard,
And he killed a mule trying to work up a hard!

Old Lill warmed up on an old cross-tie;
Oh my God how the splinters did fly!

Pete came down Main Street like a south-bound freight,
And Old Lill knew she had met her fate.

All she could do was to take a seat,
And let old Pete sink his meat.

With a stretching of flesh, and tearing of skin,
Old Pete drove the first two feet in.

Old Lill screamed and clawed at the grass,
And yelled like a panther with a turpentined ass!

Lill let out a scream, "I can't take any more!"
But Pete pounded away on the smelly old whore.

The earth shook and dark came to the sun;
Pete's eyes rolled back and he fired off his gun.

When the battle was over and the dust had cleared,
Over forty acres, Lill's ass was smeared.

Gallons of love were spilled out in the street.
It was so damn sticky, you couldn't pick up your feet!

Land was torn up for miles around,
Where Old Pete's balls had drug the ground.

Pete reeled in his dick, and pounded his chest;
Got on two horses, and rode off West.

As a lasting memory to the great Old Whore,
They hung her drawers on the Bar Room door.

And all the soap this side of hell;
Couldn't wash away that whorehouse smell!

Now Old Pete died and went to hell;
Fucked the devil and his wife as well!

The little imps screamed and climbed the wall,
Yelling, "Get him out of here before he fucks us all!"

He fucked ninety-eight and his balls turned blue,
Then he backed off, jacked off, and fucked the other two.

 

[melody]

DIRTY LESBIAN SEX QUIZ

1.) You walk into a dirty lesbian stripper club . why are you there?
To see the hot naughty strippers and hopefully fuck one of them hardcore
oops I kinda wandered in by mistake...

2.) You see me dancing really dirty on one of the poles, humping it and sliding up and down it. what do I look like?
Fit body, HUGE breasts, a tight ass, even tighter pussy, and long chocolate brown hair
ewwww, you look like my mom!!!

3.) I catch you staring and beckon you up onto the stage. you join me and I start rubbing my wet body against you. How do you react?
pulling me in closer and licking the side of my face -moans-
you push me away and start dancing like your dad infront of the hot lesbian crowd

4.) The manager walks up to us and tells us to put on a show for the crowd ;) , what do you do?
Throw me on the floor and rip off my lingerie. you finger fuck me hard and eat me out right there and then. (ooooooohhhhhh)
Run away!!!!!

5.) after our show I pull you into the back room. the room is like a romper room for sex. theres a huge bed in the middle and toys of every kind on the walls. What do you do?
Tie me to the bedpost and finger fuck me till I cream all over you
force me to the floor and spank me like the bitch I am
stretch your legs wide while I grind my super vibrating strap on into your hot wet pussy
push my head down between your legs and let me eat you out nice and deep -moans-
Put on some porn and rub your pussy against mine ;)
Shout 'Andre, Andre, I have the secret documents!' and run out...

6.) I tell you to close your eyes and wait for a suprise. What do I give you? ;)
A long passionate kiss on the lips, with tongues ;)
I suck on your clit and lick your pussy flaps before I slide my tongue into your tight pussy hole, then you cream in my mouth, yummy
a good HARD pounding up your ass with a mega thick hand held dildo
a trip to the candy shop, and one taste of what i got....
some awesome finger fucking nice and fast till I work up a sweat...
a suprise!! for me!! WHERE!!??!!
a good licking all over.... nothing.

7.) How do you like it?
Straight up the pussy, simple yet effective ;)
anal baby, I like it hard and rough!
karmasutra style, maximum orgasms and very dirty...
with cherries on top and fudge sauce please!
like what? wait? what? woah, im confused....

8.) when you cream do you tend to...
SOAK YA SHEETS BABY, SOAK YA SHEETS!
get it everywhere..i meen everywhere!
only get a little bit wet...
im sorry ,what?

9.) your pussy is...
shaved, and smells like roses
trimmed and fresh like spring
wild and crazy, smells like a fish market
I have a penis...

10.) As im giving you your suprise, two fit strippers walk in. One is beach blonde, and one is a red head. the blonde is wearing a cowgirl outfit and the redhead is wearing PVC
Oh yea BRING IT ON!
booooooooorrrriiinnnnggggggg.....

11.) What do you tell the girls to do?
Get their sweet pussys over here pronto!
Go away...

12.) The girls come over, what do you do to us?
Rip their clothes off and lay them eitherside of me. you lick me out real deep while you fingerfuck the other to hard and fast until we all cum over u
get three mega sized dildos and work our pussy's hard!
handcuff us together and whip us and spank us like the dirty hoe's we are!
jump on top of us and we all rub our sweaty bodies together....-moans-

13.) After some amazing hardcore sex the girls go and eat eachother out. I invite you back to my place....you say?
YES PLEASE!
no thnk you, my mom ses I have to be back by 12:00

14.) I bring you to my house and tell you im just going to have a shower. i strip off and hop in. what do you do?
Follow me and rub me down and have mindblowing shower sex
pass me the soap...
get in and take pictures of us in dirty poses ;)

15.) I towel myself dry before i lead you by the hand into my bedroom. what happens next?
A happy ending!!!! ooh a microbe!!!
some fucking amazing hardocore sex all through the night and day. then you join as a stripper in my club and we get dirty evry fucking day of the year

16.) Are you horny?
YES YES YES FUCK ME NOW YOU BITCH, FUCK ME NOW, IM YOURS, I WANT YOUR HOT PUSSY, IM SOOO WET!
no......(yawn)

17.) U2U ME AFTER YOU GET THE RESULTS, IM HORNY AND MY PUSSY IS WAITING FOR YOU...
OF COURSE YOU SEXY BITCH, ILL POUND THAT PUSSY!
ok....

 

[melody]

Cool Shorties

The blonde teen-age girl had long been infatuated with a popular local
disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open
house.
When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her
into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants. "I suppose you know what
this is?" he whispered.
"I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her
mouth,
"I'd like to say hello to Ricky, Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at
Danny's Pizzeria."

()()

Did you know that the human body has a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass, and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

()()


A young lady says to a salesman,
"I need some batteries for my vibrator."

He motions with his finger, "Come this way..."
She says,
"If I could come that way
I wouldn't need a fucking vibrator."


()()


During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe and
climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You
get undressed and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've
undressed. What should I do with my clothes?"
"Your clothes?" answered the doctor.
"Put them over here, on top of mine!"


()()


Jane: I can't understand why men are so afraid
of commitment!

Martha: Tell me about it! I lived with one guy for a year
and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.

Jane: What did you say?

Martha: I just told him, "Look, either you tell me
your last name, or get your shit out of my house !"

 

[melody]

Gratuitous Male Bashing

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS
(because they don't have penises to put them in)

6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)

7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their asses and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

8. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

9. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

10. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)

11. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't
know......it never happened)

12. WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH A MAN?
(because breasts don't have eyes)

@@@

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried and said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

 

[melody]

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

=====

A young lad asked an old man how he became so rich.
The old man replied, "Well, son, it was 1932 and the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel, so I invested it in an apple.
I spent an entire day polishing that apple and at the end of the day, I sold it for a dime. So the next day I bought two apples.
I polished them all day and sold them at the end of the day for two dimes. I continued doing this for a month, and by the end of that month, I had accumulated a total, minus expenses of course, of $4.00."
"And then what?" the lad asked.
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars!"

=====

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother ? He's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "DeNephew."