JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

What I've Learned From Watching Porn...

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not
scream
with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with
sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy fucks.

11. People in the 70s couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo
in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl
isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the
bushes,
the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove
your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by
giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend,
she'll
only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to
remind her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's
trousers and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blow job, a man will always place one hand
firmly
on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his
hip.

 

[melody]

The Train

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...
he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted
__________

Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected
__________

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young Mothers and their small children.
You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.
Lets pick Willy up from school and go home’

 

[mingz]

1.Losing all your friends

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

2. Brother wanted

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'.....

3. Meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

4. Importance of a period

Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

AND THE BEST ONE.

6.. Anger management?

Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'

---------- Post added at 11:17 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:07 PM ----------

Soalan: Siapa mak bapak TRANSFORMERS?

http://img212.imageshack.us/img212/4681/94617603.png



JAWAPAN NYE IALAHHHHHHHH::::









Jawapan : Trans-PARENT!!!
=_=lll

 

[melody]

An Innocent Girl

A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;

1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,

2.) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and

3.) never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."

The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it?" asks mom.

"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"

"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"

"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"

"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"

"Not exactly mom, see it was like that.

First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said, and he then took his hands out and said; "What a coincidence, I happen
to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!""

"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"

"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me "taste it" to see if it was cooked or not."

*********

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.

One of them said, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."

"How did you get it fixed?" asked Ben.

"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."

Ben went home to the farm and decided to try it. He grabbed a cow, dipped his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all around the bull's nose.

The bull got a rip roaring boner and immediately jumped on the cow.

Ben was impressed. That night, he got into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind.

As she lay sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it was nice and wet, rubbed it all around his nose and got a rip roaring hard on.

He quickly shook his wife awake and cried out, "Honey, look!"

She rolled over, turned on the light and said, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

 

[melody]

The Waiter And The Blonde

A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful Blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order, and saw that she was crying.

"What's wrong, miss? Are you ok?" he asked.

Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn't it?"

The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, "Make a wish and blow!"

She closed her eyes, and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her-they didn't even know each others names-but hey, when you've got a hot blonde sucking on your cock, like you're really going to say, no don't suck it.

He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, "Did you like it?"

He said, "Yes, of course, you suck cock great... but I'm just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock??"

She looked confused. "Well, I was just doing what you told me to."

Now he's confused. "What I told you to?"

Smiling, she says, "Don't tell me you forgot already... You said, 'Make a wish and blow!'"

@@@@@

Harry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, so he asked her to dance.

She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"

The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.

Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

Honest Harry replied: "Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

 

[melody]

Erection Trouble

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

@@@

An Englishman,an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee, and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God woman! why aren't you wearing any knickers?" Her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough money to afford to buy any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee, and again a gust of wind blow's her skirt up to reveal that she too isn't wearing any undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! you've no knickers- why not?" She replies, " I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, " For the sake of decency here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

" Hoots Mon, woman! Why are ye not wearing knickers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough housekeepin money ta be able ta afford any." With that the Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency here's a comb, tidy yurrself up a bit."

 

[melody]

Two Blondes

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the
perfume
counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice,
don't you
think, Tracy?"

"Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"

At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is
French for 'come to me'."

Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again
saying, "That
doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

@@@

There was a young girl from Nantucket
Who fell down the well in a bucket,
All the people gathered around
To see if she had drowned,
So she stuck up her ass
And said, "Suck it!!"
_____

There was a young woman named Alice
who used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
They found her vagina in North Carolina
and part of her anus in Dallas.
_____

Hickory Dickery Dock
Sen Hillary Gave up on Cock
She Said with a Whim
As she wiped off her Chin
Gimme some Pussy to Sock
_____

Mirror mirror on the wall
whose the fairest of them all?
the mirror laughed and gave a grunt,
it sure ain't you, you ugly cunt
_____

Ching Chong Chinaman
went to milk a cow,
Ching Chong Chinaman
didn't know how,
Ching Chong Chinaman
pulled the wrong tit,
Ching Chong Chinaman
was covered in shit!

 

[melody]

**Long Pause**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the
bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool, what swimming pool? Is this 937-2819?"

@@@

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl.

She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked.

The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected,

"Ouch! Your ring is hurting me!"
"That's no ring... That's my watch!

@@@

What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!
_____

The little boy asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replied, "The stork brings them."
The boy, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the storks?

 

[melody]

Think you know everything?

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back on the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand ..now you know everything.

 

[melody]

Rejected Dr. Seuss Books

1.One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch,You Bitch
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox In Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
18. The Grinch's Ten Inches
-------
The Fart Poem

At times it is silent, at times it is not
at times it sneaks out and burns oh so hot!
When you'd like it to happen, it just won't come out
it hides and it waits till you're out and about!
The evil ones reek and embarrass us so
then laugh as they trail us wherever we go!
I know it's a function we can't live without,
but on a first date must they really come out??
Men light them on fire - it amuses them so
women fight to be quiet so that no one will know.
I can't figure why after eating good food
the smell that results could kill many a dude!
So here's to the fart, our warm smelly friend
you begin in my tummy, then come out my rear-end!

 

[melody]

Glad To Be A Man And Glad To Be A Woman!

I'm Glad I'm A Man!

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.

I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!


And now it's time for a rebuttal

I'm Glad I'm A Woman!

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

Send this to 3 people in 24 hours and you will have
great sex this weekend with the person of your dreams. If
you do not you will have bad luck and terrible sex for the rest of
your life. ( yeah right )

 

[melody]

Reasons for leaving Jobs

My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned because I couldn't Concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it.
Mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory
but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add a little spice to my life
but I just didn't have the thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory;
I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes
but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center),
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

You got any ideas?
I'm opened for suggestions .........maybe you have something that WORKS..........because I don't.

eeeeeeeeeeee

Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole

Awarded to____________________________________In recognition of your obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete asinine juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and others during your lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind. To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives all concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts your status.
JUST BE YOURSELF......!!!!!
Effective as of this_____day of_________________2000
Per:____________________________
Authorized Signature

 

[melody]

The doctor got her in the stirrups and spread her legs.
Then the doctor said, "Oh My God!!! In my all of my career,
I have never seen such a huge vagina!! ...huge vagina!!"
She said, "Doctor, I know it and I'm very self-concious
about it. But you didn't have to repeat yourself."
The doctor replied, "I didn't. It was an echo!"

ppppp

Cheryl is watching her husband, Randy, coming out of the
shower. She says, "You have dick-do disease."
Randy asks, "What's that?"
Cheryl says, "Your belly sticks out more than your dick do!"

ppppp

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.

As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet.

"What's this, "she asked.

"Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"

ppppp

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"

ppppp

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.

She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.
Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the
roadside wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

Little Johnny thought for a second, raised his hand, then said,

"I'd probably puke my fucking guts out."

 

[melody]

Filthy Nursery Rhymes

Peter Peter pumpkin eater
had a wife he loved to beat her
he smacked her twice across the head
fucked her ass and went to bed.

***
Little Miss Muffett, sat on a tuffett
eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider, and sat down beside her,
and said " What's in the bowl, bitch !? "

***
Little Boy Blew (sic)....
He needed the money !

***
Georgie Porgey
Pudding & Pie...
Whacked off in his girlfriend's eye...
And when that eye was glued and shut...
Georgie fucked that one-eyed slut.

***
Hickory Dickory Dock,
the bitch was sucking my cock
the clock struck two...
I shot my goo,
and dropped the bitch off ' the next block.

***
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his fucking dick.

***
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jump over the candlestick.
Jack's not so nimble, and he's not so quick
Now he's in the hospital,with a burnt fucking dick.

***
There was an old lady who lived in a shoe
She had so many kids- her uterus fell out!

***
There was an old lady who lived in a shoe
She had so many kids, she didn't know what to do.
So she started giving head.

***
Little Bo Peep
Fucked her sheep.
She blew her horse
and licked his feet.
She ate his ass,
all very nice.
Tongued his balls
Not once but twice!

***
Mary, Mary quite contrairy
Trim that pussy, it's too damn hairy!

***
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
So Jack could lick Jill's fanny.
Poor Jack's gob
Was filled with knob
'Cos Jill's a fucking tranny.

***
Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass,
and grabbed her ass;
And now his two front teeth are missing.

***
Mary had a little sheep,
And with this sheep
She went to sleep.
The sheep turned out
To be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb!

***
"Mirror Mirror, On the wall,
Who's the sexiest of them all?"
The mirror sighed, and with a grunt
said "Well, it ain't you!, You ugly cunt !"

***
My dick is big, her arse is tight
I poked her anus with delight
but halfway there I hit a bump
the bitch forgot to take a dump

 

[melody]

Signs Found In The Kitchen

*So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
*Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
*I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
*If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
*I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
*A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
*My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
*I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
*If you don't like my standards of cooking ... lower your standards.
*Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse.
*It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
*A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
*A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
*Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
*Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
*Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
*My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
*I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
*Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.
*Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

=====

Sex Pills

There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife.

He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said "Take one pill for a great night." The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle.

In the morning the neighbors came over to find the man's son sitting on the porch crying.

"What's wrong?" they said. The boy replied, "Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my butt hurts and dad's in the basement yelling 'here kitty"

 

[melody]

Internet Addict

There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.

You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"

Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html

Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)

You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.

Your best friend is someone you've never met.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

Your dog has its own home page.

So does your gold fish.

@@@

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great
grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking We
went to a motel, where I had
sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."

 

[melody]

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots
a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow shit and dives down toward her. "Pardon me"
he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

*****
"My wife and I split up because we had too much in common," said the solitary
drinker to the bartender.
"Is that so?"
"Yeah - we both liked to eat pussy!"
*****
Q: Did you hear about the sluts’ party?
A: Every cunt was full.

*****
Who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman?
The woman, of course. Look at it this way. When your ear itches and you put
your little finger in it and wiggle it around, what feels better - your finger or your ear?

*****
A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his
parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then
continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for
sucking my thumb!"

*****

This guy is eating this prostitutes cunt and he says, "this
tastes like rice pudding?"
"That's what all the boys say, but it's really maggots."

*****

Whore House Slogans

1. More Fuck for your Buck!

2. More Honey for your Money!

3. More Gash for your Cash!

4. More Hole for your Pole!

5. More Head for your Bread!

6. More Booty for your Looty!

7. More Strange for your Change!

8. She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!

9. Will suck for a buck!

10.We'll Tally Whack Your Ban !

*****

For a lark this strip joint has a contest, for the smelliest
cunt contest. So this Fat disgusting chick shows up with
her husband. She's so fat and lazy she has to be assisted
by her husband to the cunt stand. She blows the doors
out of this place because her cunt is so smelly. She wins
hands down. Her brave husband had stuck with her and
accepted the cheque for winning the contest. The
management couldn't help but ask, how do you stand the
smell. He says, "well when she first died two weeks ago,
it was pretty bad, but you get used to it."

 

[melody]

Funny Pot Pouri

A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt.
He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged.
"Have you always been that way?" asked the podiatrist.
"No," she said, not until recently. "I've been fucking a lot doggie style."
"Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop."
"I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd fucks."

==============

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down,
looks in his pocket then orders another one.

He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again,
then orders another one.

He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks,
"Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket.
What's in your pocket?"

The man replies, "Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there.
I drink until she looks good, then I go home."

==============

A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes
torn.
His brother says, "Man, where have you been?"
"I just got back from burying my mother-in-law"
"How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your
mother-in-law?"
"She wouldn't lie still!!"

==============

Know where you can find sympathy?
In the dictionary, somewhere between 'shit' and 'syphilis'.

==============

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to
begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says,
"Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman
replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each
other, aren't we."

==============

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO
SEE WHAT'S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND
AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR
A WHILE.

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES.
BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

 

[melody]

10 Rules For ****** My Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be ******. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

 

[melody]

http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/7482/homoshakepic019362776.gif
http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/769/homoshakepic029553388.gif
http://img188.imageshack.us/img188/1306/homoshakepic039580284.gif

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Ray and Bubba, two old Navy buddies, are on leave and decide to go to
Bubba's house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer, so
Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his
wife, Linda-Lou, to show Ray her best Southern hospitality.

She agrees.

Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Ray and Linda-Lou screwing
right on the kitchen floor. Bubba yells, "What are you doing
Linda-Lou?"

She replies, "You told me to show Ray my best Southern hospitality."

Bubba then says, "Well, girl, arch your back! Poor Ray's balls are on
the floor!"

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

* What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

* What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

* "I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up.
They have no holidays."

* How can a man tell his woman is too fat for him?
When she sits on his face, he can't hear the stereo.

* What do you call a gay milkman?
Dairy queen.

* How did the Pollack teach his kid to put on his underwear?
Brown spots in the back..Yellow spots in the front