JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

{Jokes for July, 2009}

July 1
The first time I hitchhiked I got beat up. I used the wrong finger!

July 2
My wife, how can I trust her? When my kid was born, four guys gave me cigars!

July 3
When my wife was pregnant, I told her, I said, "Honey, if it looks like you, it'll be beautiful." She said, "If it looks like you, it'll be a miracle."

July 4
My wife told me she's going to run away from home. Luckily I live in a cliff!

July 5
I did a show, the whole audience was gay. I did great! I mean AFTER the show!

July 6
I'm gettin' old. A girl asked me if I wanted to have some super sex. I took the soup!

July 7
I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He said, "How long has this been going on?" I told him, "Since I was a puppy."

July 8
I tell you, my psychiatrist's a beauty, he told me I got a split personality and from now on I have to pay him twice. Oh, my wife, she's happy I got a split personality, yeah, she likes two guys at once.

July 9
People have too much hate. I hear guys talk, they don't like their mother-in-law, they hate their mother-in-law. Me, I love my mother-in-law - it's her daughter I can't stand!

July 10
I worked a nightclub. The boss told me he'd pay me under the table - I waited after two hours, he never showed up!

July 11
They took a survey - why men get up in the middle of the night. Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and ninety percent get up to go home!

July 12
My family, most of them are drunks. I remember when I was a kid, I was lost, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch!

July 13
I don't get no respect. I told my landlord I want to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised the rent!

July 14
I tell you, I never had any luck with girls. I took out a Mexican girl, it took me two years I taught her how to speak English. The first words she spoke were, "I'm leaving you."

July 15
I tell you, my wife and I, we don't think alike, we got problems. I wanna go see a marriage counselor and she wants to go on the Jerry Springer show!

July 16
I tell you, sex with my wife is ridiculous. Why her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

July 17
The other night, I told my wife, "I hurt my little pinky." She said, "It's all right. We're not gonna have sex anyway."

July 18
Last night my wife told me, people can look in our bathroom, she's gonna buy shades. I told her, "Let 'em look. They'll buy the shades."

July 19
Last night I had a dream I took a walk down memory lane and my wife was working.

July 20
Oh, my wife can't cook at all. I got the only dog - he begs for Alka-Seltzer.

July 21
Oh, I'm not a sexy guy. On my wedding night, my wife said, "Hey, honey, this is it?" I said, "Honey, that WAS it."

July 22
I asked my wife, I said, "Last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping!"

July 23
I bought a waterbed. I went to grab my wife - she drifted away.

July 24
I told my wife, "How come when we kiss your eyes are always open?" She told me she's on the look out for her boyfriend.

July 25
I saw a place it had a sign: Topless, Bottomless. I went inside, there was no one there!

July 26
My doctor told me he'd have me on my feet in two weeks. He was right. I got his bill; I had to sell my car.

July 27
My wife and I, all we do is fight about sex. Well, the other night we had it out - nah, put it this way, I had it out.

July 28
I went back to my hometown. I wanted to visit all my old school teachers when I was a kid. All I had to make was one stop - the cemetery.

July 29
I tell you, my wife, she keeps me in line - no matter how many guys are ahead of me.

July 30
I tell you, my wife and I, we don't think alike. I mean, she donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless.

July 31
Last week my wife told me to go to hell. I told her, "You're too late. I'm already there."

 

[melody]

{Jokes for July, 2009}

July 1
The first time I hitchhiked I got beat up. I used the wrong finger!

July 2
My wife, how can I trust her? When my kid was born, four guys gave me cigars!

July 3
When my wife was pregnant, I told her, I said, "Honey, if it looks like you, it'll be beautiful." She said, "If it looks like you, it'll be a miracle."

July 4
My wife told me she's going to run away from home. Luckily I live in a cliff!

July 5
I did a show, the whole audience was gay. I did great! I mean AFTER the show!

July 6
I'm gettin' old. A girl asked me if I wanted to have some super sex. I took the soup!

July 7
I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He said, "How long has this been going on?" I told him, "Since I was a puppy."

July 8
I tell you, my psychiatrist's a beauty, he told me I got a split personality and from now on I have to pay him twice. Oh, my wife, she's happy I got a split personality, yeah, she likes two guys at once.

July 9
People have too much hate. I hear guys talk, they don't like their mother-in-law, they hate their mother-in-law. Me, I love my mother-in-law - it's her daughter I can't stand!

July 10
I worked a nightclub. The boss told me he'd pay me under the table - I waited after two hours, he never showed up!

July 11
They took a survey - why men get up in the middle of the night. Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and ninety percent get up to go home!

July 12
My family, most of them are drunks. I remember when I was a kid, I was lost, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch!

July 13
I don't get no respect. I told my landlord I want to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised the rent!

July 14
I tell you, I never had any luck with girls. I took out a Mexican girl, it took me two years I taught her how to speak English. The first words she spoke were, "I'm leaving you."

July 15
I tell you, my wife and I, we don't think alike, we got problems. I wanna go see a marriage counselor and she wants to go on the Jerry Springer show!

July 16
I tell you, sex with my wife is ridiculous. Why her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

July 17
The other night, I told my wife, "I hurt my little pinky." She said, "It's all right. We're not gonna have sex anyway."

July 18
Last night my wife told me, people can look in our bathroom, she's gonna buy shades. I told her, "Let 'em look. They'll buy the shades."

July 19
Last night I had a dream I took a walk down memory lane and my wife was working.

July 20
Oh, my wife can't cook at all. I got the only dog - he begs for Alka-Seltzer.

July 21
Oh, I'm not a sexy guy. On my wedding night, my wife said, "Hey, honey, this is it?" I said, "Honey, that WAS it."

July 22
I asked my wife, I said, "Last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping!"

July 23
I bought a waterbed. I went to grab my wife - she drifted away.

July 24
I told my wife, "How come when we kiss your eyes are always open?" She told me she's on the look out for her boyfriend.

July 25
I saw a place it had a sign: Topless, Bottomless. I went inside, there was no one there!

July 26
My doctor told me he'd have me on my feet in two weeks. He was right. I got his bill; I had to sell my car.

July 27
My wife and I, all we do is fight about sex. Well, the other night we had it out - nah, put it this way, I had it out.

July 28
I went back to my hometown. I wanted to visit all my old school teachers when I was a kid. All I had to make was one stop - the cemetery.

July 29
I tell you, my wife, she keeps me in line - no matter how many guys are ahead of me.

July 30
I tell you, my wife and I, we don't think alike. I mean, she donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless.

July 31
Last week my wife told me to go to hell. I told her, "You're too late. I'm already there."

 

[melody]

Missed Her Period

An eighteen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has
missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the
drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl
is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the
pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand
new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with
gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of
it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the
mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a
beach Villa and a $1,000, 000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy
will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is
twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage......."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places
a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll fuck her
again!"

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check
up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease,
combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your
husband can die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant
and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious
meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden
him with chores. Don't discuss your stress; this will probably make him
feel worse. And most importantly, you must be intimate with your husband
every day of the week, giving him oral sex every other day. If you can
do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your husband will
regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say to
you?"

"You're going to die."

 

[melody]

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the shit out of you.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy

Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.

How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.

Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.

Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.

Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said '18-40 lbs'.

Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor?
Because they are in them.

Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.

What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.

What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.

How many men would it take to mop a floor?
No one knows; they've never done it.

What is a "successful hunting trip"?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days

 

[melody]

Rejection Lines Given By Women (and What They Mean)

I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)

I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest jerk I've ever laid eyes upon.)

My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone
calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

I've got a boyfriend
(who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's ice
cream).

I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar
system', much less the same building.)

It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)

I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than
****** you.)

I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

@@@

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before
passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm
still a virgin."

The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been
married three times before."

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all
he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist
and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband
was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

 

[melody]

Naughty Goodies

A woman is in her doctor's office and suddenly yells out, "Kiss me, doc,
kiss me!"
The doctor looks at her and quietly replies, "It's against the code of
ethics to kiss you."
Several minutes later, the woman shouts out again, "Kiss me, doc,
please, kiss me just once."
Apologetically, the doctor again refuses and says, "As a doctor I simply
cannot kiss you."
Finally, after another fifteen minutes, the woman pleads with the
doctor, "Please, doc, please, kiss me just once!!"
"Listen," he says, "I am sorry, but I CANNOT kiss you. In fact, come to
think of it, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."
=========
Little Johnny walked in on his dad taking a shower one afternoon.

Pointing to his dad's penis, he asked, "Daddy when do I get one of
those"?
His father replied, "In about an hour when your mother goes to work."
=========
One day, Little Johnny's teacher couldn't take another day teaching him
and calls in sick. The substitute teacher came in and without saying a
word proceeded to write her name on the blackboard. M I S S P - R - U -
S - S - Y. "Good morning class. My name is Miss Prussy. It's just like
as in pussy cat except with an 'r'." she said.

Everything that day goes without any problems. The original teacher
however calls in sick again and Miss Prussy comes back for a second day.
She walks into the class and asks if anyone remembers her name.

Without hesitation Little Johnny stands up and announces, "Yeh, your
Miss Crunt!"
=========
Q: What is the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A: The toilet won't follow you around for three months when you're finished using it.
Q: Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire?
A: It's for foul balls.
Q: What is the difference between American sewers and Mexican sewers?
A: Mexican sewers have diving boards!
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

 

[melody]

The Carrot

While making up her teen-age daughter's bed, she was shocked to
discover a large carrot under the pillow. When Mary Jo came home,
Mother demanded an explanation of the carrot.

"Mother, I want to be honest with you," she confessed, "for the past

few weeks that carrot has been my husband."

"Well," the Mother replied, "consider yourself a widow, because your

husband just went into tonight's stew!"

========

Someday I guess I'm just gonna get arrested, but I can't resist off
the wall humor when people least expect it. I went into this
department story and was greeted by a female salesgirl who said,
"Good afternoon sir, and what is it you desire?"

I replied, "What I desire is to whisk ya outta here, take you to my
secret hide-away, mix up a big pitcher of drinks, put on some soft
music, and then make mad passionate love to ya all afternoon.
However, what I need is some underwear and socks."

========

Q ~ Why did the rubber fly across the room???
A ~ Because it got pissed off!

Q ~ What is the difference between a Triscuit and a lesbian?
A ~ One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker!

Q ~ Why are professional golfers such lousy lovers?
A ~ Four strokes, and they're on to the next hole.

Q ~ What's the difference between a girls track team and a band of pygmies?
A ~ A band of pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.

 

[melody]

Jack And Mabel

Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack.
Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer,
the farmer's wife and their daughter Mabel.

One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel
bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become aroused for the
first time and, shocked, ran to find the farmer to explain this
strange phenomena. Upon finding the farmer he proceeded to drop his
trousers and whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the farmer.
"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"

"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.
"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."

"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.

"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the
milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick.
It'll go down quick smart, trust me."

The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and saw
the farmers' wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting hard he
rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked up two handfuls
of shit. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.

"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel. "Well," Jack replied,

"I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to make it go down."

"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the ground and
lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"

So he did.

Both handfuls!!!!!

@@@

There was a young lady named Nelly,
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly!

@@@

A paleface went to the local Indian reservation where he met the chief. How' s about letting me have one of your women for a little while? asked the paleface.
The chief responded, "How much money do you have?"
"I don't have any money but I have this bag of corn." said the paleface.
"A bag of corn huh." replied the chief.
The chief thought for a moment then agreed to the deal. "Take that woman there into my tepee." he said.
So the paleface took the woman into the tepee where she took all her clothes off and laid down on her stomach. The paleface saw this and said, "No, you have to turn over onto your back."
The Indian woman replied by turning over pointing at her pussy saying, "This money hole." Then turning over onto her stomach, pointing to her ass saying, "This corn hole."

 

[melody]

Taking A Shit

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. Then he came back and the other said "That was fast." "Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with." The other answers, "That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it." "O.K." he says as he goes back over to the bush. Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and says "That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get SHIT all over my hands, I've got 4 Quarters Stuck up my ASS!"

********

A man at a nudist camp got a letter from his mother asking for a picture. Since the only pictures he had were taken in the nude, he cut one in half and mailed her the part showing only from the waste up.His mom wrote back after receiving the photograph and said, "thanks for the picture. Can you grandma have one too?" The guy thought, since grandma can't see well, I'll just give her the bottom half, and he sent it. After getting her grandson's picture, she wrote to him and said, "nice picture, but your hairstyle sure makes you nose look long."

********

A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignored his remark.
A little later, the husband took his measuring tape and measured his wife's rear end while she was bending over working in a flower bed. "Geeze, honey, it IS as wide as the grill!" She again ignored his remark.
Later that night, while in bed, the husband started to feel frisky. He rolled over to start something with his wife and she calmly rolled away from him saying, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, forget it!"

********

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery
with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she
whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and
said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

 

[melody]

Nasty Pick Up Lines

These pick up lines are so nasty, they're insults.....

*The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
*That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
*I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
*I like every spread the word especially mine.
*How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
*Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?
*Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?
*Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.
*Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.
*Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up.
*If your left leg is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays
*If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
*You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!
*I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.
*Is it hot in here or is it just you?
*If you were a car door I would slam you all night long
*Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.
*How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out
*Baby, I'd run a mile for your vertical smile.
*Nice shirt.... wanna fuck?
*If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.
*Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
*Can I have fries with that shake!
*I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.
*You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.
*Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?
*If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
*Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?
*Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.
*Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.
*Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.
*My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it!
*I'd look good on you.
*When does your centerfold come out.
*So do ya wanna see something really swell?
*I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?
*I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.
*Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.
*Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?
*I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.
*You have nice legs. What time do they open?
*Do you like Subway? How about my foot long?
*Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.
*Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd just love to tap that ass!
*Are those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world.
*You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.
*Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!
*Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you.
*If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?

 

[melody]

More Male Bashing

(They Deserve It)
Men are like......

.....placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

.....mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

.....bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

.....government bonds
they take so long to mature.

.....copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

.....lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

.....bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

.....high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

.....curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

.....mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

.....handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

@@@

God created woman, and she had 3 breasts. He said to the woman, "Is
there anything on you that you'd like to change?"
She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"
God snapped his fingers and it was done.
She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, "What am I going to do with this useless boob?"
And God created man.

@@@

*What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

*How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

*What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
*Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital

*Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 

[melody]

Old Folks Home

Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen lived next door to each other for over 40
years, and over the years became loving friends. One day Mrs. Murphy
came to Mrs. Cohen and said, "This house is becoming to much for us,
let's sell it and each move into a home for the aged.

Each went to a home of their respective religions, and were soon placed.
Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, and one day asked to be
driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she
arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy
said "So how do you like it here."

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the
care takers. She then said, "You know the best thing is that I now have
a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful. Tell me what you do."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room, and sit on the edge
of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and
then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you Mrs. Murphy?"

She said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also
had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "So what do you do?"

"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I
let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And then what do you do?"

Mrs. Murphy said, "Since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck."

@@@

A bible-thumping preacher was really getting it going
one Sunday, and in the heat of the Gospel, an
attractive lady leaned out of the balcony a little too
far, and fell over the railing.

As she passed the chandelier on the way down, the hem
of her dress caught on part of the fixture, and she
hung there with her dress pulled clear over her hips
for everyone's viewing pleasure!

The preacher, a sensitive sort, cried out, "Any man
who dares to look shall be struck blind!"

An old fellow in the front row nudged his friend and said,

"I'm gonna chance it. This left eye ain't worth a damn, anyway!"

 

[melody]

Nasty Funnies

A lady was standing at the sink one morning washing dishes
in her gown. Her little boy came in, and raised her gown and
looked under it, and she isn't wearing any panties.

The little boy asked his mother, "What's that?"

The lady replied to her son, "That's my beaver.

The little boy took another look and said, "Mom that must be
one mean Son of a Bitch."

"What makes you say that?" the Mother replied.

"Because he has shit in one eye and blood in the other!"

@@@

There once was a girl from Azores,
Whose cunt was all covered in sores,
the men who got pussed,
were desperate for lust,
and licked up what was left in her drawers.

There was a young man named Dave,
Who dug up a whore from a grave.
She smelled quite a bit,
and was missing a tit,
but think of the money he'll save!

@@@

Three kids were sitting on a front porch one day after
school. The first one looked down into a drive way and
saw a bright red Corvette. "Some day I'm gonna be a lawyer
so I can buy me one of those Corvettes," he said. The second
kid looked over at the driveway next to the Corvette and saw
a brand new Ferrarri. "I'm gonna be a doctor," he said, "so
I can get me a fast Ferrarri." The third kid looked over at
the other two and replied, "I'm gonna learn how to suck dick
when I grow up." the other two jaws dropped. "That's what my
sister does, and she owns both of those cars."

 

[melody]

A Man Named Jacques

One summer, a few years ago, a middle age French-Canadian man named
Jacques decided to vacation on the coast of Maine. While soaking up
some sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye and his sexual
desires. He immediately got up, ran to her, grabbed her by the hand and
brought her to his hotel room. There he had sex with her and then sent
the young lady on her way. She immediately reported this to the police
and Jacques was arrested.

On his court date the judge asked him if he understood the nature of
the crime he committed against the young lady. Jacques looked at the
judge with a bewildered look and said "Non!! Hi don't understand! Hin
my country you grab de pretty girl, bring her to de hotel room,
BOOM-BOOM,
give hit to her den let her go! Hit's O.K.!!!"

"Sir", the judge said, in THIS country if you are to have sex with a
lady, you must have her permission first, or it is considered rape.You
must have her consent!"

After hearing this, Jacques turned around and mysteriously looked at
the judge and exclaimed, "CUNSCENT!!! Hi got her cunscent!!! Hi got her
cunscent on my fingers, cunscent on my mustache, hi got her cunscent
everywhere!!!

@@@

The Benefits Of Growing Older

...Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.

...You consider coffee one of the most important things in
life.

...You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

...You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor
to watch television.

...People who call at 9 p.m. ask, "Did I wake you?"

...You send money to PBS.

...You can tune people out and pretend you are hard of hearing
and they believe you.

...You don't have to worry about the cops being called when
you throw a party because the neighbors don't even realize
it.

...In a hostage situation you are likely to be released
first.

...People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

...Things you buy now won't wear out.

...There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

...Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning
to pay off.

...Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

...It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to
stick..

...No one expects you to run into a burning building.

...Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather
Service.

...Your eyes won't get much worse.

...Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a
manageable size.

...You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who
walks into the room.

...You can do anything without worrying about what people think
about you, because you just don't give a shit what they
think.

 

[melody]

Doggy Style

A man returns home from work and enters through the kitchen
door. He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the
floor. She only has an apron on, so the husband gets a big
hard on and starts humping his wife doggy style.

When he is through he pulls out and at the same time hits her
real hard upside her head.

"What was that?" the wife screamed "Here I am being so nice
to you, and letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you
hit me for??"

The husband looks at her and angrily says "For not looking
back to see who it was!"

@@@

A cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he
caught a young boy having a wank in the long grass.

"What do you think you're doing?" the cop said.

"What does it look like? I'm having a wank," the kid replied.

"You'd best be careful, boy." the cop warned. "When we catch
a young fella doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry
it, put a leather thong through one end to make a police baton
out of it."

"And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it."
said the young boy.

"And what's that?" asked the cop.

"I bet you cut out her cunt, dry and stretch it, then put it in a
blue
uniform!"

@@@

Q. What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping Tom?
A. A mugger snatches watches

Q. What do you say to a lesbian with no arms and no legs?
A. Nice tits. Bitch.

Q. What does a woman do when she gets out of the battered
women's shelter?
A. The dishes if she knows what's good for her.

Q. What's the best way to make a pussy talk to you?
A: Stick a tongue in it.

Q. What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of one another?
A. A block of flaps.

Q. What is love?
A. The delusion that one woman differs from another.

 

[melody]

The Bull Frog

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After
looking around she realized that all the pets there were too expensive.
She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.
I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive,"
Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00.
Would you like to see it?"
50? For a frog?" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs."
The woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought
this was a heck of a deal.
She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd
never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog.
She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift.
Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said he'd
try it out for sure that night.
The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have
to give another blow job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear
pots and pans banging around in the kitchen.
She got up to go see what was going on.
When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog,
sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks.
What are you two doing at this hour?" asked the woman.
The husband looks up at her and says,
If I can teach this frog to cook,
your ass is outta here!"

@@@

This guy was having hot sex with his bitchy girlfriend.
Nearing the end she threw him off and said that she
wanted a candy bar. "I don't have any candy bars here,"
he said. "That's it, were through!!! If you don't run to
the store and get me a candy, I am gonna leave you."

Scared, he quickly ran out the door forgetting to get
dressed. He quickly got to the store, stole 3 candy bars
and ran out. Halfway home he realized that he was naked
and he hid behind a bush. " Oh Damn!!!" he thought." If
I don't get back soon she'll leave me." He began to run
home when suddenly he saw 3 nuns coming down the street.
"Oh crap," he said. " I know... I'll pretend I am a
statue. They wont even realize it."

So there he stood, frozen with the 3 bars. Up walked the
nuns. "Oh My!!!" says one. "It's one of those nude candy
machines." The nun reaches in her pocket and pulled out
a quarter. Upon inspection she shoves the quarter up his
ass and yanks on his dick. In amazing pain he drops one
of the bars. The nun walks away happy. The second nun
repeats the process and gets her candy bar. "Oh man, if
I lose this one she will leave me for sure!!!" The third
nun pays and starts to pull on his dick. "Hmmmm, that's
odd. Where's my candy bar?" She pulls and pulls and
pulls but no candy. She gives it one more yank and
starts to smile. "Sisters look.... HAND LOTION!"

 

[melody]

Hiking Story

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were
getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're
starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll
hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the
day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the
campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a
beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I
swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched
deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with
butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad
tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to
the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had
sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so
tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did
you get a blow job too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

@@@

A guy was walking around the parking lot with his keys in his hand,
A cop pulls up and asks him if there was anything wrong. The guy
replies " They stole my car."
The cop asks him where he saw it last. He says " At the end of my key."
The cop seeing that the guy is plastered, looks him over and notices
that his dick is hanging out of his pants. The cop points this fact
out to him. The guy looks down and says, " Oh shit, they stole my
wife too!"

 

[melody]

Men vs Oreos

How women could want sex less often than Oreos,
right there and then, shows why our society is in such
a state of disarray and chaos. Frankly I personally
find it disgusting. How normally fine , moral women,
turn into sleazy cream craving lunatics is beyond me.

What makes them crave the Oreo so much???

Well Duh, they are better than men. What makes them
better than men???

10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard.

9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.

8. They are always good.

7. They go away when you want them too.

6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.

5. Don't have to worry about the last person who
ate one.

4. It's always fun to swallow.

3. They never talk.

2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.

1. The creamy white stuff tastes good

@@@

Q. What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A. When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a dick?
A: A dog stops coming after you beat it.

Q: Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A: Better traction in the mud.

@@@

The prayer meeting was really jumping. The pastor
asked for those who wanted to witness to get up and
speak. A man stood and shouted, "I have lusted in my
heart!"

The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother. Tell it all!"

The brother said, "I have been slave to the demon
alcohol!"

The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"

The brother said, "I have been unfaithful to my dear
wife!"

Again the pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it
all!"

The brother said, "I have screwed a goat!"

The pastor said, "I wouldn't have told that, Brother!"

 

[melody]

West Virginia Folk

A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
=
How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried
tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
=
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West
Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high
schools.
=
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in West Virginia? Documentaries.
=
Where was the toothbrush invented? West Virginia. If it had been
invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
=
A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to
the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
=
Did you hear about the $3 million West Virginia State Lottery? The
winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
=
The governor's mansion in West Virginia burned down! Yep. Pert' near
took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss, too.
Both books went up in flames and they hadn't even finished coloring one
of them.
=
A new law was recently passed in West Virginia. When a couple gets
divorced, they are STILL cousins.
=
At the scene of the accident a trooper asked the West Virginia driver
what gear he was in at the moment of impact. He replied, "tractor hat
and camouflage hunting outfit"
=
Folks in West Virginia now go to movies in groups of 18. They were told
"17 and under are not admitted".
=
A West Virginia man walked into a Kwik Stop and asked for all the cash
in the drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for 3 hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.
=
A West Virginia man spoke frantically into the phone, 'my wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!" "Is this her
first child?", the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her
husband!"
=
I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you..... If you
upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's
worth the extra effort?
=
When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"
The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

 

[melody]

Terminal Cancer

A woman comes home from the doctor and tearfully tells her husband:
"The doctor says I have terminal cancer!"

"Oh honey, that's terrible! Is there anything I can do for you?
"
"Well," says the wife, "I love getting oral sex, and I'd like to pack in a lot more of it before I go."

So the husband immediately goes down on her and she loves it.
For the next month, he eats her pussy at least ten times a day.

At the end of the month, the woman goes back to the doctor. The doctor says:
"This is unbelievable! There's no evidence of cancer! Have you been doing something different, like a new diet or something?"
Embarrassed, the womans says: "Well, I have been doing something different, but its very personal . . . ."
"Well whatever it is, it must have cured your cancer!"

She goes home and says: "Honey, I'm completely cured! The doctor says oral sex cured my cancer!"
The husband starts to cry, obviously heartbroken.
Says wife: "Aren't you happy that I'm going to live?"
"Of course honey . . . but if I had just known that was the cure, I could have cured Mom!

----------

This guy is really horny, but all he has is two dollars. He goes to the nearest whore house and says to the man working there, "Look, I`m really horny, but all I have is two dollars. What can I get?"
"Well, the cheapest we have is one hundred dollars. But I`ll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two dollars, I`ll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom, and leave the lights out!"
"A while later he comes back out and says "Well, the sex was pretty good but why did I have to wear the black condom?"
"You gotta show some respect for the dead!"

---------------

A zoo acquires a female gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla becomes very ornery, and difficult to handle. The vet determines she is in heat, but there is no male gorilla available.
The zoo administrators approach Mike, who cleans animal cages. Mike, while not very bright, is rumored to be extremely well endowed. They ask: "would you be willing to screw this gorilla for five hundred bucks?"
"Well, let me think it over and I'll let you know tomorrow."
The next day, Mike says: "I'll do it, but only under three conditions. First, I don't want to have to kiss her. Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result. Third, I need another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."