JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Little Johnny

One day, when Little Johnny was about 6 years old, he and his
father went to look at some puppies. When he came home, he
ran up to his mom and informed her that there were four puppies.
Three were boys and one was a girl.

His mother was impressed and asked Little Johnny how he
knew this.

"Well," says Little Johnny "The girl was brown colored, but
all the boys were black."

"Yes, dear, but how did the color tell you if they were male
or female?" asked his mother.

Exasperated, Little Johnny retorted, "The color doesn't
tell you, silly, the black ones all had cocks."

~~~~~~~~

The manager of a prosperous whorehouse in Warsaw one night found to his
dismay that he was short of girls for the evening's entertainment.
Thinking quickly, he dashed out and bought several blow-up dolls,
figuring that, given his average clientele, no one would know the
difference.
Soon he ushered a customer into a room that housed one of the new
lovelies, assuring him that he was in for an especially good time. When
the customer came out of the room a little while later, the manager was
waiting eagerly in the hallway.
He winked at him and asked, "Well? How'd you like her?"
"I don't know what happened," said the customer, shaking his head.
"I bit her on the tit, she farted, and flew out the window."

~~~~~~~~

Luigi and Salvatore are out in the woods hunting when suddenly
Salvator
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing;
his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Luigi whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "I think Salvatore is dead.
What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,
"Just take it easy and follow my instructions.
First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard.
Luigi's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay, now what?"

 

[melody]

She demanded I gave her affection
Then opened her thighs for inspection;
I found her quite nice
'Til I noticed the lice
And immediately lost my erection.

=====

Q: What's the difference between a football game and the Oscar for best actress?
A: In a football game they kick a punt.

Roses are red,
Pickles are green
I love your legs and what’s in between

 

[melody]

Snow White's Mission

Snow white was on a mission
And desperate for a fuck,
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck.

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarves came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven,
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"

So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that,"
"Not there, that is my asshole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho."
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff."

Relax, you GRUMPY bastard,"
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fuckin load.

The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But not sooner had he entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her fanny raw,
A dazed Snow White then whimpered.
"That should be against the law.

"He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big dick"

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that spadge inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarves,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying Miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
When you next buy 7-Up!

 

[melody]

Strange 'Facts' (?)

What occurs more often in December than any other month?
Conception.

Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it?
Skinny dipping.

What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show?
No theme song/music.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
Their birthplace. This is propinquity.

Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
Obsession

More women do this in the bathroom than men.
Wash their hands. Women * 80% - Men - 55%

What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
Gain weight.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell.
Banana

If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
One thousand

What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
All invented by women.

Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men.
Change their underwear.

This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.
A kiss

This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
Honey

There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year.
Father's Day

What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic?
He was allergic to carrots.

40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?
Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.
Wear underwear.

What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% carbon dioxide?
A fart.

About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting?
Flush the toilet.

What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"?
Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.

85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this.
Cheating on their wives.

 

[melody]

Spray The Coke Bottle

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally
she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys
her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over
to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's
getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops
him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"

"Oh NO!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake
up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A
few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close,
snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he
screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb OFF of the end!"

*********

Q. Did you hear about the faggot undertaker?
A. He called his mates around to suck on a few cold ones!

Q: How can you tell if your little boy will grow up to be homosexual?
A: He likes to play Lick the Can.

Q: What does a queer and an ambulance have in common?
A: They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

Q: Did you hear the miracle plan announced in Congress
for ending AIDS?
A: Tell all the faggots to sit down and shut up.

*********

This guy walks into the bar and tells the bartender he wants a beer, "anything but Natural light".

Why not Natural Light the bartender say's, "you always drink Natural Light"?

"Not anymore, buddy, last night I got so Drunk on natural Light, I went home and blew chunks".

Well, the bartender say's, everybody does that when they get that drunk, you know, that’s no big deal...

"You don’t understand, buddy, Chunks is my dog!"

 

[melody]

Eye-Talian

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses? Italians hate all witnesses.

Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony? On the boat over to
America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY.

You know you're Italian when . . . . You can bench press 325 pounds,
shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two
cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular
lunch bag.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer
are all your cousins.

You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five
of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother
had an affair.

There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . . .

Your grandfather had a fig tree.

You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

Your mom's meatballs are the best.

You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

Plastic on the furniture is normal.

You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."

You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."

You've called someone a "mamaluke."

And you understand "bada bing".

What do you call a pimple on an Italian?
A grease fitting.

Why don't Italians have freckles?
They all slide off.

How do you brainwash an Italian?
Give him an enema.

~~~~~~~~

Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
A. Do you think they could fit all that shit in a tennis shoe?

Q. How does an Italian get into an honest business?
A. Usually through the skylight.

Q. How do Italian girls shave their legs?
A. They lie down outside and have someone mow them.

Q. What do you get when you cross an Italian and a Pollack?
A. A guy who makes you an offer you can t understand.

Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Italian, what would Cheetah be?
A. The least hairy of the three.

Q. What did the barber say to the Italian kid?
A. Do you want your hair cut or should I just change the oil.?

Q. What s an innuendo?
A. An Italian suppository.

Q. Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A. So they can look like their mothers.

What do you call a pimple on an Italian?
A grease fitting.Why did the Italian staple his nuts together?
"If you can't lick 'em, join 'em"

Q. How does an Italian count his goats?
A. He just counts the legs, and divides by four.

Q. Why is Italian bread so long?
A. So they can dip it into the sewer.

 

[melody]

A Small Head

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender
hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to
compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a
question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many
times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I
heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming
from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn
into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.
POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like
Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I
ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make
sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and
beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious
lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more
wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

~~~~~~~~

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son,
14-year-old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the
local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.

Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for
his indoctrination to sex. The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a
good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally."

So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs, where
she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs
the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that
you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a
manicure."

Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main
street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy. So the madam smiles and
says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"

"Yes, Ma'am, the boy stammers, "you're the lady that gave me
the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

 

[melody]

Q: How can you tell that the letter you received came from a leper
colony?
A: Because there is a tongue stuck to the stamp.

Daffynition: Tampon - a beaver dam.

Q: What do you call 1,000 lesbians armed with rifles?
A: Militia Etheridge.

Q: How do mathematicians describe the shape of a woman's pussy?
A: Cuntindicular.

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A: A washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks
after you dump a load into it.

Q: Why won't Charlie the Tuna eat his old lady?
A: She smells like people.

Q: What is the most common pickup line in a lesbian bar?
A: "Your face, or mine?"

Q: What do lesbians like to use for a lubricant?
A: Tartar sauce.

Q: What is the difference between a hobo and a homo?
A: A hobo doesn't have any friends, and a homo has friends up the ass.

Q: Why shouldn't we make fun of handicapped people?
A: Because if it weren't for them, we wouldn't be able to find such
neat parking places.

Q: What indication do we have that the lower part of a woman's body was
designed by a Polack?
A: Who else would have placed the shithole so close to the snack bar?

Q: How do you know whether or not the blonde you slept with last
night gave you a good blow-job?
A: The bedsheets are sucked up your ass.

Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: Why do women have faces?
A: So men can tell the vaginas apart.

Q: What is the most frequent reason that midgets get slapped by girls?
A: For telling them that their hair smells nice.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Daffynition: A perfect 10 - a girl with no teeth who is waist high and
has a flat head on which you can set your drink.

Daffynition: A Cinderella perfect 10 - a girl who sucks and fucks until
the stroke of midnight and then turns into a pizza and a six pack.

Q: Why do women like to cross a rooster with an owl?
A: Because they get a cock that stays up all night.

Q: Why don't women like to cross a rooster with a peanut butter sandwich?
A: Because they get a cock that sticks to the roof of their mouths.

Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia.

Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

 

[melody]

Fisherman

There was a old farmer around his mid 40's who loved fishing. So much so, his nickname was fisherman. He awoke one morning and went downstairs to look at his wife who was sitting at the table. He looked to her and said "Woman, get ready, we's goin' fishin' "

His wife looks to him and replies "Now damnit fisherman, I got to much ta do and I ain't goin'. "

The farmer of course refuses to take no and simply responds "Look here, I'm gonna go an get that mangy dog up to go fishin' an if you aint ready by the time I get back, I'm gonna sink my rod in your ass, ya here me?"

With that, he went outside. It was nearly fifteen minutes before his wife heard the dog howl, telling her it was in the truck and ready no doubt as he came in the door. His face was stern as he looked to her. "I hope you still sittin' here means you is ready to go." he said.

His wife's response was to get up, move to bend over the table in front of him and stare back. "I told you I ain't goin fisherman, now let's see that rod.'

As the farmer neared her and dropped his trousers, a stench, almost like the smell of dog shit hit her nose. "By god what is that stench fisherman?" she asked.

The farmer just shrugged as he looked at her. "Damn dog didn't want to go fishin either."

*********

There were two elderly people who lived in a nursing home, and usually spent their afternoons together watching television. They would often lie in bed and she would hold his pecker, although she wouldn't do anything more with it.

One day, she's walking down the hall and she passes the room of another female resident. To her surprise, she sees her boyfriend lying on the bed and another woman is holding his pecker.

She storms into the room and shouts, "I thought we had something going for us! Is she better looking than me? Is she younger? What does she have that I don't?"

The old man looks up and remarks with a grin, "Parkinsons."

*********

A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that
she was not, as her fiance thought, a virgin. She asked her friend
what to do.
"No Problemo," said the friend, who had just finished watching
an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. "Just buy a piece of raw liver and
shove it up inside you. It will make you tight and he will never know
the difference."
The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom
consummated the marriage with tremendous energy - in the bed, on the
floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere. She fell
asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the
following note pinned to her pillow:

Dear Jane: Last night was pure heaven. Unfortunately, since
we will never be able to repeat that performance, I am leaving you
forever.

P.S. Your vagina is in the sink.

 

[melody]

"Do You Have A Vagina?"

A woman answered a knock on her front door, and there stood
a man who asked, "Do you have a vagina?"
Shocked, she slammed the door in his face. After the same
exact thing happened three days in a row, she told her husband
all about it.
"OK," he responded, "tomorrow I'll be hiding behind the door
when he knocks. You answer him, 'Yes'."
Sure enough, she opened the door to the knock and the man
again said, "Do you have a vagina?"
"Yes."
"Then please tell your husband to stop fucking my wife."

•••••

Q: What has 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at an N SYNC concert.

Q: How do Montanan teenage boys find their sheep in tall grass?
A: Most satisfactory.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with an elephant?
A: A three-quarter ton pickup.

Q: Why do dogs always stick their noses in blondes' twats?
A: Because they can get away with it.

Q: What are a blonde's three lies?
A: 1. You're the best.
2. You're the biggest.
3. It doesn't always smell that way.

Q: What do you get when you turn three naked blondes upside down?
A: Three brunettes.

Q: What do you call a guy who goes to a porn theater and sits
all by himself in the balcony?
A: A tier jerker.

•••••

There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's license.

She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her license.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"

Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."

 

[melody]

Bob Gets Dumped

The guys had been worried about Bob ever since his wife dumped him and cleaned him out in the divorce.
They decided that somebody should go visit him at home to see how he was doing.
Floyd gets the job and goes to Bob's place one day after work. Bob seems to be ok but Floyd checks his place out to see if anything is out of the ordinary, just in case.
The place looks fine except for one thing, a tampon on top of Bob's TV. Floyd tries to ignore it but curiosity finally gets the best of him.
"Hey, Bob, what's with the tampon on the television?"
"Oh, that's just to remind me that the cunt took the VCR."

o0o0o0o0o0

There were two guys taking a shower. They were playing with eachother and kissing. Then sombody knocked on the door so one of the guys was like im going to answer the door so dont finish without me right. So he went to go answer the door when he came their was cum all over the walls curtains, everywhere. The guy says to him i told you not to finish without me.

The other guy says i didnt.....I FARTED!!!!!!!

o0o0o0o0o0

His aunt asked him, "You're a homosexual? Are you seeing a
psychiatrist?"

"No," Mikey said, "I'm seeing a lieutenant in the army."

o0o0o0o0o0

If I had a cock of steel and balls of solid brass
I'd find a marble statue and ram it up it's ass.

o0o0o0o0o0

A school teacher asks her class 'What vegetable makes your eyes water?'
Little Johnny replies ' a turnip miss'.

'No Johnny' says the teacher, 'I believe you are thinking of an onion,
aren't you?'

'No miss' Says Johnny, 'Have you never been hit in the balls with a
turnip?'

o0o0o0o0o0

A little kid, sees his dad naked for the first time as he gets out of the shower. "WOW! What`s that, daddy?", asks the little boy, pointing to his dad`s crotch. "Son ... that`s a ... a hedgehog." answers the embarrassed parent. "Shit! It sure has a big cock, doesn`t it??" said the kid.

 

[melody]

More Men Bashing

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

Do you know why there's a hole in a man's penis?
So he can get air to his brain.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock!

Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

The three words most hated by men during sex?
"Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Three words women hate to hear when having sex?
"Honey, I'm home!"

 

[melody]

Little Girl's Parents

One day a little girl's parents were fighting in the kitchen and the father calls the mother a bitch and the mother calls the father a hoe. The little girl asked what they meant. The parents replied that it meant a very nice person. The father exclaims that the mothers has small tits. The little girl asks what tits are. The mother said that they were shoes. The mother told the father that he had a small dick. Once again the girl asks what a dick is and the father had said that it was a coat.
Later on the father was upstairs shaving And the little girl was watching and asked what he was putting on his face. He cuts himself and says "SHIT!!". So she goes down into the kitchen where her mother was and she asked what she was doing to the turkey. She also cut heself with the carving knife and says "FUCK!!".
The doorbell rings and she answers it. She sais to the visitors "come on in all you bitches and hoes, take off your dicks and your tits. My father is upstars putting shit on his face and my mother is in the kitchen fucking the turkey".

The Deaf Couple

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off.
He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that’s the Robinson’s, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"

5 Bucks Hooker

A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside.

A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?"

"For how much?" asks the man.

"One hundred dollars," the hooker answers.

"I'll give you five bucks," he replies.

The hooker swears at him and walks away.

A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk.

As they round the corner, there stands the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "HA!… see what you get for five bucks?"

 

[melody]

Mommy, Mommy!

Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?
Shut up son and keep humping!

Mommy, Mommy!, can I have a cookie?
Yes son, the cookies are on the top shelf.
But Mommy, I haven't got any arms!
No arms, no cookie son.

Mommy, Mommy! what is incest?
Shut up son and keep licking.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a long nose?
You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the floor.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do they call me spastic at school?
Shut up son and take your legs out your pockets.

Daddy, Daddy! What's a poofter?
Shut up son and unhook my bra.

Mommy, Mommy!, are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up son and get back in the sack!

Mommy, Mommy! The milk mans here. Have you got the money or
do you want me to go out and play?

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to holiday in Africa!
Shut up son and put your other foot in the CARE package!

Mommy, Mommy! Suzy got run over by a steamroller!
Shut up son I'm in the bathroom, slide her under the door,
and don't forget the maple syrup.

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the right way to cook Peking Duck?"
Shut up and close the microwave oven door behind you.

Mommy, Mommy!, can I lick the bowl?
Shut up son and flush the toilet like all the other kids.

Mommy, Mommy!, I don't want to see grandma!
Shut up son and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy!, I don't like red and blue spaghetti!
Shut up son or I'll rip the veins out of your other arm.

Mommy, Mommy! why are you moaning?
Shut up son and keep licking.

Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up son, you know that grandma's cured from her yeast infection.

Mommy, Mommy ! When is the pool going to be ready?
Shut up son and keep spitting.

Mommy, Mommy!, why are we pushing the car over the cliff?
Shut up son or you'll wake your father.

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up son and get back in the oven.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up son, you’re the one who wanted hamburgers!

Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with uncle Bob!
Shut up son and close the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy!, why am I running around in circles?
Shut up son for I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

Mommy, Mommy!, what happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up son and eat your meat loaf.

Mommy, Mommy!, the kids at school call me a werewolf!
Shut up son and go brush your face.

Mommy, Mommy!, how far is America?
Shut up son and keep rowing.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like shark fishing!
Shut up son and stop squirming.

Mommy, Mommy! I can't breathe!
Good son, it's working.

 

[melody]

Yo Father...

Yo father's like cement, takes him two days to get hard.
I saw Yo father jacking off into a paper sack, I asked what he was doing, he said packing your lunch.
I called Yo father a fag and he hit me with his purse!
Yo father's so fat, even his dick has rolls.
Yo dad’s so stupid, when Yo mama says "Fuck me silly and make it hurt!" he puts on a clown suit and hits her with a brick before he does her.
Yo dad's so stupid, he has to unzip his pants to count to 11.
Yo father's dick is so small, he makes yo mama look hung.
Yo father's dick is so small, he pisses on his nuts.
Yo father's dick is so small, he'd been fucking yo mama for an hour and she asked if it was in yet.
Yo father's so ugly, he couldn't get laid in a monkey whore house with a bag of bannanas.
Yo father's so ugly, his own hand turns him down.
Yo father's so ugly, that's not a receding hair line, that's his hair running away from his face.
Yo father has to stick his dick in the freezer to get hard.
Yo father suffers from dick-do disease... His stomach hangs out farther than his dick do.
Yo father's so stupid, he brought his fishing rod to Sea World.
Yo father's like an arcade game, give him a quarter and you can play with his joystick.
Yo father's so stupid, when yo mama says "Give me ten inches and make it hurt!" he has to fuck her three times and put a vice grip on her head... and yo mama likes that.

~~~~~~~~

Mickey was in a bar having a drink, and the barmaid was one sexy
looking blonde lady!
He slapped a ten spot on the table and said, "I bet I can keep an
eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom."
She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet.
He took his glass eye out, placed it beside the drink and went to the
bathroom. "Bet you I can bite my own ear," Mickey challenged next.
The bet was accepted. He took out his false teeth & nipped his ear.
Once more he scooped up the money.
"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back.
I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing."
Now that was one thing she knew about, so she accepted the bet.
Mickey lifted her skirt & away they went.
"I can feel you." she giggled.
"Oh well," he grinned, "You win some, you lose some!!"

 

[melody]

How Yodeling Started

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
California?Oregon? Switzerland? Most believe it originated in
Switzerland, and here's the real version.
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of
Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere
to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he
could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and
asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a
place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate
of food and took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and
straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps
the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to
the barn, and she too did not return for an hour.
Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair
all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on
his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she
broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried.
"We made such passionate love last night !"
"What ?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking
for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, " I'm going to get you ! You had sex
with my daughter ! "
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to
his mouth, and yelled out,
" LAIDTHEOLADEETOO "

===================

A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to
have sex: It was found that men preferred to engage in
sexual activity on the days that started with "T":
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and Thunday

===================

There are 2 kinds of people in this world.
Those that want to get ahead, and those that just want to get head.

===================

Did you hear about the blonde who got a Toy Poodle for her Birthday??
She Killed It Trying To Get The Batteries Up It's Ass!

 

[melody]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say,"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.

Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.
Shocked,one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

 

[melody]

Two Gay Men

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm,
then have a surrogate mother
artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush
to the hospital.

Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying
and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out
the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy
children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "He's happy now, ... but just wait until we
take the pacifier out of his ass."

~~~~~~~~

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?"

she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually,"No" he replies.

"I'm just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."
She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused,"he's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes,there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

~~~~~~~~

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out
this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's
completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is,"
she
complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when
you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're
never home!"

 

[melody]

It's A Dogs World

A Dog's New Year Resolutions

* I will stop trying to find the few remaining clean pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
* I will not eat other animals' poop.
* I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
* I will not eat my own vomit.
* I will not eat "kitty box crunchies".
* I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
* The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
* I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
* I will not chew crayons or pens, specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
* When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
* I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
* I will not bark each time I hear a door bell on TV.
* I will not walk under the big dog when he is peeing.
* I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
* I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
* The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
* My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
* I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
* I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
* I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
* The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house

Rules For Non-pet Owners Who Visit
And Like To Complain About Our Pets

*
1. The dog lives here. You don't.
*
2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
*
3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
*
4. To you, he's a dog. To me, he's an adopted Son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
*
5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups.
*
The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.

 

[melody]

Great Shorties

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him. "Cured him ," asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."

~~~~~

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

~~~~~

Dad, was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. Why, Dad? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax"

~~~~~

There was a young man from Rangoon,
Whose farts could be heard to the moon.
When you'd least expect 'em,
They'd burst from his rectum
With the force of a raging typhoon.

~~~~~

Q: Why do West Virginians like to screw sheep at the edge of a cliff?
A: The sheep tend to push back harder that way!!

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their ass holes are too small.

~~~~~

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

~~~~~

Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!

~~~~~

Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?" He says, "No, our house isn't blue."

~~~~~

"I don't get along with nurses. They're vicious to women. When my friend Trudy was in labor, the nurse looked down at her and said, 'Still think blondes have more fun?'"

~~~~~

Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"

~~~~~

A young minister prepares to go to bed with his bride on their wedding night. Upon entering the bedroom he sees her lying down on the bed. Ever conscious of his duties to the Lord, he exclaims, "Woman, don't you know that you should be on your knees?" Her surprised reply: "Well, OK, if that's what you want. But I always get hiccups when I do it that way."

~~~~~

So I said to my office mate "Man, your new girlfriend sure is big and ugly." And he says "So is my cock, but that doesn't stop me from having a good time with it."