JeSt fOr LaUgHs...
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Trailer Park Rules
1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three years.
2. No draining your oil onto the street.
3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager.
4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no more than 6 cans each.
5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am.
6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially clothed.
7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close the curtains.
8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please provide the
management prior written notice so that certain residents may be forewarned.
9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front lawn. However, they may remain there until you are sober enough to collect them with the understanding you will collect them within 7 days whether sober or not.
10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised that in the
event the sidewalks need to be repaired or replaced due to the weight of your
date, you will be responsible for all cost incurred.
()()()()()
Jane: I can't understand why men are so afraid
of commitment!
Martha: Tell me about it! I lived with one guy for a year
and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.
Jane: What did you say?
Martha: I just told him, "Look, either you tell me
your last name, or get your shit out of my house !"
()()()()()
A little boy wearing a cowboy hat and toy sixguns walked into
an ice cream store and asked for a bananna split. The girl waiting on
him said, "OK, would you like your nuts crushed?"
"Fuck no, lady! How would you like your tits shot off?"
()()()()()
A doctor had just finished screwing one of his patients,
when he said to himself, 'you know, its not right I should
screw my own patients.' Just then, a voice in his head said,
don't worry about it, almost all doctors screw their patients.'
The doctor felt a little bit better, until another voice in his
head said, 'yeah, but they're probably not a veterinarian'
1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three years.
2. No draining your oil onto the street.
3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager.
4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no more than 6 cans each.
5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am.
6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially clothed.
7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close the curtains.
8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please provide the
management prior written notice so that certain residents may be forewarned.
9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front lawn. However, they may remain there until you are sober enough to collect them with the understanding you will collect them within 7 days whether sober or not.
10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised that in the
event the sidewalks need to be repaired or replaced due to the weight of your
date, you will be responsible for all cost incurred.
()()()()()
Jane: I can't understand why men are so afraid
of commitment!
Martha: Tell me about it! I lived with one guy for a year
and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.
Jane: What did you say?
Martha: I just told him, "Look, either you tell me
your last name, or get your shit out of my house !"
()()()()()
A little boy wearing a cowboy hat and toy sixguns walked into
an ice cream store and asked for a bananna split. The girl waiting on
him said, "OK, would you like your nuts crushed?"
"Fuck no, lady! How would you like your tits shot off?"
()()()()()
A doctor had just finished screwing one of his patients,
when he said to himself, 'you know, its not right I should
screw my own patients.' Just then, a voice in his head said,
don't worry about it, almost all doctors screw their patients.'
The doctor felt a little bit better, until another voice in his
head said, 'yeah, but they're probably not a veterinarian'
10 Signs that You Might be Gay
- You blow every paycheck on gerbils.
- You get offended by the word "Fruit Loops."
- Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.
- Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of your neighbors.
- Your nickname is "Homo."
- Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons, you'd rather spank him.
- You know over 10 people named Bruce.
- There's always a "queer" taste in your mouth.
- You wake up each morning and scratch someone
else's balls.
- You blow every paycheck on gerbils.
- You get offended by the word "Fruit Loops."
- Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.
- Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of your neighbors.
- Your nickname is "Homo."
- Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons, you'd rather spank him.
- You know over 10 people named Bruce.
- There's always a "queer" taste in your mouth.
- You wake up each morning and scratch someone
else's balls.
RIDICULOUS HEADLINES
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
Now THAT'S some feat!
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
Now THAT'S some feat!
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
TOP 10 REASONS WHY CYBER SEX IS BETTER
10.If the date goes bad, changing your Screen
Name is easier then changing your real name.
9.Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
8.If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake
up next to a keyboard.
7.You can exercise your offensive habits without
embarrassing yourself.
6.Viagra! Who needs Viagra?
5.Your partner could have more of a personality
than your inflatable friends.
4.Three words: No shotgun weddings.
3.All guys look like George Clooney and
all women like Pamela Anderson.
2.They never have to know you live in your
parents basement.
1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.
10.If the date goes bad, changing your Screen
Name is easier then changing your real name.
9.Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
8.If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake
up next to a keyboard.
7.You can exercise your offensive habits without
embarrassing yourself.
6.Viagra! Who needs Viagra?
5.Your partner could have more of a personality
than your inflatable friends.
4.Three words: No shotgun weddings.
3.All guys look like George Clooney and
all women like Pamela Anderson.
2.They never have to know you live in your
parents basement.
1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.
Blonde Q's & A's
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.
Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.
Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Sarcastic Remarks To Get You Through The Day
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?
Do I look like a fucking people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
And which dwarf are you?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Meandering to a different drummer.
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?
Do I look like a fucking people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
And which dwarf are you?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Meandering to a different drummer.
So this guy goes into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prostitute,
he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants.
The hooker almost faints, the guy has a 18
inch cock.
She says," Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it,
but your not sticking that in me."
The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says, " Screw
that, I can do that myself !"
********
The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city in search of a
prostitute. He finds one, and explains he has never had sex before.
The hooker says, " No problem, honey."
She undresses the boy, then herself, and lies down on the bed. He crawls
on top of her.
" Okay, stick it in honey.....all the way in....
now pull it out......now put it back in....... now pull it out......."
" For christ sake," says the boy," Will you make up your fucking
mind?"
********
A distraught young man made an appointment with a psychiatrist, " I was
out of town on business," he told the doctor, " and I wired my wife that
I would be coming home on Tuesday, instead of Wendesday. When I got home
I went straight home as fast as I could, and when I got there I found
her in bed with my best friend". The man then broke down into
uncontrolable tears.
The doctor considered the problem for a couple of moments, then
shrugged and said," maybe she never got the telegram."
he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants.
The hooker almost faints, the guy has a 18
inch cock.
She says," Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it,
but your not sticking that in me."
The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says, " Screw
that, I can do that myself !"
********
The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city in search of a
prostitute. He finds one, and explains he has never had sex before.
The hooker says, " No problem, honey."
She undresses the boy, then herself, and lies down on the bed. He crawls
on top of her.
" Okay, stick it in honey.....all the way in....
now pull it out......now put it back in....... now pull it out......."
" For christ sake," says the boy," Will you make up your fucking
mind?"
********
A distraught young man made an appointment with a psychiatrist, " I was
out of town on business," he told the doctor, " and I wired my wife that
I would be coming home on Tuesday, instead of Wendesday. When I got home
I went straight home as fast as I could, and when I got there I found
her in bed with my best friend". The man then broke down into
uncontrolable tears.
The doctor considered the problem for a couple of moments, then
shrugged and said," maybe she never got the telegram."
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of
peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!
Q: What do blow jobs and flowers have in common?
A: After the first year they are only given on special occasions!
Q: In prison, how do they separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar
_____
"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."
_____
little Johnny came over to Mary Sue's house...
they got bored and decided to play doctor....
Mary's mom walked out, and to her horror, Johnny had been eating her out...
her mom said,
"mary, when your daddy get's home, your gonna get a good lickin!" Mary's response was,
"but Johnny has been doing it all day!"
peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!
Q: What do blow jobs and flowers have in common?
A: After the first year they are only given on special occasions!
Q: In prison, how do they separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar
_____
"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."
_____
little Johnny came over to Mary Sue's house...
they got bored and decided to play doctor....
Mary's mom walked out, and to her horror, Johnny had been eating her out...
her mom said,
"mary, when your daddy get's home, your gonna get a good lickin!" Mary's response was,
"but Johnny has been doing it all day!"
The Non-Erection Cure
There was a man who had a problem getting an erection so he goes to the
doctor. The doctor takes all kinds of tests and finally decides that he
can cure the man. The doctor tells the man to go home and wait until
his wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs and get a
little love juice on his finger and rub it under his nose, and that
this would stimulate his brain and then he would get an erection.
The man takes the doctor's advice and that night after his wife has
gone to sleep he reaches down between her legs and gets some of her
juice and he rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose. After a minute or
two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs some more
juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he knows he has a full
erection.
He is real excited he wakes up his wife to share in the good news. He
wakes her up and says look what I have. She rolls over and looked at
him and says "You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you
have a Bloody Nose???
There was a man who had a problem getting an erection so he goes to the
doctor. The doctor takes all kinds of tests and finally decides that he
can cure the man. The doctor tells the man to go home and wait until
his wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs and get a
little love juice on his finger and rub it under his nose, and that
this would stimulate his brain and then he would get an erection.
The man takes the doctor's advice and that night after his wife has
gone to sleep he reaches down between her legs and gets some of her
juice and he rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose. After a minute or
two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs some more
juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he knows he has a full
erection.
He is real excited he wakes up his wife to share in the good news. He
wakes her up and says look what I have. She rolls over and looked at
him and says "You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you
have a Bloody Nose???
Aussie Slang
This Is Long but Very Funny
I'm Hungry:
"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."
I'm Thirsty:
"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nuns nasty."
"I'm dry as a f**k with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."
I Need To Go For a Pee:
"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
"Need to syphon the python."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snakes hiss."
"Gotta go have a slash."
"Gonna go water a horse."
"I'm off to drain the main vein."
"Time to splatter the bladder."
"I'm dying for a piss ! so bad I can taste it."
"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."
I need To Do a Poo:
"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
"Off to the bog to leave an offering."
"Time to snap off a grogan."
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
"I'm going to give birth to your twin."
"Need to choke a brown dog."
"I've freed Nelson Mandela."
"Going for a Rodney."
"Taking out the garbage."
"I gotta back one out."
"Release the Chocolate hostage"
"i gotta lay some cables for telstra"
Vomit:
"Calling for George."
"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."
"I left him a lawn pizza."
"Toss a tiger on the carpet."
"Gotta go Ralph"
Insults:
"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."
"Not enough brains to giv! e 'imself a headache!"
"About as useful as tits on a bull."
"You must be the world's only living brain donor."
"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."
"She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."
"He had a head on him like a sucked mango.."
"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."
"He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."
"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"
"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."
"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"As ugly as a hat full of arseholes."
"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."
"Got a face like a bashed in shit can."
"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."
"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."
"Couldn't organise a f**k in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."
"About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."
"I'll kick your! bum till your nose bleeds!"
"A stubbie short of a six pack."
"Seen better heads in a piss trough."
"You're as handy as shit on a stick."
"Tighter than a fish's arse."
"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."
"Face like a smashed crab."
"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."
"He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."
"F**ked in the head."
"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."
"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."
"Mate, she's as rough as a pigs breakfast."
"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."
"He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."
"She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times."
"She's two pick handles wide."
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
"As ugly as a bag of spanners."
"You've got a head like a dropped pie."
"He thinks his shit don't stink, but his farts give him away."
"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."
"Fell out of the ugly ! tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
"Your the load your mother should have swallowed"
"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."
"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs."
"As thick as two short planks!"
"you got a head like a busted watermelon"
Compliments:
"Ya bloods worth bottling!"
"He's True Blue."
This Is Long but Very Funny
I'm Hungry:
"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."
I'm Thirsty:
"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nuns nasty."
"I'm dry as a f**k with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."
I Need To Go For a Pee:
"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
"Need to syphon the python."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snakes hiss."
"Gotta go have a slash."
"Gonna go water a horse."
"I'm off to drain the main vein."
"Time to splatter the bladder."
"I'm dying for a piss ! so bad I can taste it."
"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."
I need To Do a Poo:
"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
"Off to the bog to leave an offering."
"Time to snap off a grogan."
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
"I'm going to give birth to your twin."
"Need to choke a brown dog."
"I've freed Nelson Mandela."
"Going for a Rodney."
"Taking out the garbage."
"I gotta back one out."
"Release the Chocolate hostage"
"i gotta lay some cables for telstra"
Vomit:
"Calling for George."
"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."
"I left him a lawn pizza."
"Toss a tiger on the carpet."
"Gotta go Ralph"
Insults:
"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."
"Not enough brains to giv! e 'imself a headache!"
"About as useful as tits on a bull."
"You must be the world's only living brain donor."
"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."
"She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."
"He had a head on him like a sucked mango.."
"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."
"He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."
"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"
"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."
"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"As ugly as a hat full of arseholes."
"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."
"Got a face like a bashed in shit can."
"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."
"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."
"Couldn't organise a f**k in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."
"About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."
"I'll kick your! bum till your nose bleeds!"
"A stubbie short of a six pack."
"Seen better heads in a piss trough."
"You're as handy as shit on a stick."
"Tighter than a fish's arse."
"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."
"Face like a smashed crab."
"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."
"He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."
"F**ked in the head."
"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."
"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."
"Mate, she's as rough as a pigs breakfast."
"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."
"He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."
"She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times."
"She's two pick handles wide."
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
"As ugly as a bag of spanners."
"You've got a head like a dropped pie."
"He thinks his shit don't stink, but his farts give him away."
"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."
"Fell out of the ugly ! tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
"Your the load your mother should have swallowed"
"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."
"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs."
"As thick as two short planks!"
"you got a head like a busted watermelon"
Compliments:
"Ya bloods worth bottling!"
"He's True Blue."
We have done it many ways
from the bed to in the hay
but none have been sweeter
than her sucking my peter
in the back of a Chevrolet.
~~~~~
Q: What do Aussie women do with their cunts most days?
A: Pack them a lunch and send them to work!
~~~~~
Did you hear about the woman that went on the fishing trip with 7 guys
and came back with a big red snapper?
~~~~~
Aunt Rose was in the garden tending to her flowers when she had to pee
really badly. She didn't have time to get back to the house, So she did
it right there, and wiped off on a rose.
Uncle Fred came along later, picked up the rose, sniffed it, then ran to
phone the newspaper editor. "I found a rose that smells like a woman's
pussy!"
The editor said, "That's nothing. When you find a cunt that smells like
a rose, call me again."
from the bed to in the hay
but none have been sweeter
than her sucking my peter
in the back of a Chevrolet.
~~~~~
Q: What do Aussie women do with their cunts most days?
A: Pack them a lunch and send them to work!
~~~~~
Did you hear about the woman that went on the fishing trip with 7 guys
and came back with a big red snapper?
~~~~~
Aunt Rose was in the garden tending to her flowers when she had to pee
really badly. She didn't have time to get back to the house, So she did
it right there, and wiped off on a rose.
Uncle Fred came along later, picked up the rose, sniffed it, then ran to
phone the newspaper editor. "I found a rose that smells like a woman's
pussy!"
The editor said, "That's nothing. When you find a cunt that smells like
a rose, call me again."
Lil Johnny And The Midget
Little Johnny is standing at a urinal when he notices that a midget is
watching him. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently,
Little Johnny doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small
stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his
privates at close range.
"Wow!" comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever
seen!"
Surprised and flattered Little Johnny thanks the midget and starts to
move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little
fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again Little Johnny is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it,
he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and
says..."Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"
Little Johnny is standing at a urinal when he notices that a midget is
watching him. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently,
Little Johnny doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small
stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his
privates at close range.
"Wow!" comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever
seen!"
Surprised and flattered Little Johnny thanks the midget and starts to
move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little
fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again Little Johnny is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it,
he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and
says..."Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"
Communicating
The management does however realize the importance of each person being
able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow
workers. Therefore, management has compiled the following coded list. It
is imperative that all employees understand and memorize the coded
phrase so the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue:
New Phrase: I'm not certain that's feasible.
Old Phrase: No fucking way.
~~
New Phrase: Really?
Old Phrase: You've got to be shitting me.
~~
New Phrase: Perhaps you should check with...[Insert name here]
Old Phrase: Tell someone who gives a rat's ass.
~~
New Phrase: Of course I'm concerned.
Old Phrase: Ask me if I give a shit.
~~
New Phrase: I was not involved with that project.
Old Phrase: It's not my fucking problem.
~~
New Phrase: Interesting behavior...
Old Phrase: What the fuck?
~~
New Phrase: Perhaps I can work late.
Old Phrase: When the fuck do they expect me to do this?
~~
New Phrase: He's not familiar with this problem.
Old Phrase: He's got his head up his ass.
~~
New Phrase: You don't say.
Old Phrase: Eat shit.
~~
New Phrase: Excuse me?
Old Phrase: Eat shit and die.
~~
New Phrase: Excuse me, sir?
Old Phrase: Eat shit and die, motherfucker.
~~
New Phrase: They weren't happy with it?
Old Phrase: What the fuck do they want from me?
~~
New Phrase: So you would like some help?
Old Phrase: Kiss my ass.
~~
New Phrase: I love a challenge.
Old Phrase: This job sucks.
~~
New Phrase: You want me to take care of this?
Old Phrase: Who died and left you boss?
~~
New Phrase: I see.
Old Phrase: Blow me.
The management does however realize the importance of each person being
able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow
workers. Therefore, management has compiled the following coded list. It
is imperative that all employees understand and memorize the coded
phrase so the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue:
New Phrase: I'm not certain that's feasible.
Old Phrase: No fucking way.
~~
New Phrase: Really?
Old Phrase: You've got to be shitting me.
~~
New Phrase: Perhaps you should check with...[Insert name here]
Old Phrase: Tell someone who gives a rat's ass.
~~
New Phrase: Of course I'm concerned.
Old Phrase: Ask me if I give a shit.
~~
New Phrase: I was not involved with that project.
Old Phrase: It's not my fucking problem.
~~
New Phrase: Interesting behavior...
Old Phrase: What the fuck?
~~
New Phrase: Perhaps I can work late.
Old Phrase: When the fuck do they expect me to do this?
~~
New Phrase: He's not familiar with this problem.
Old Phrase: He's got his head up his ass.
~~
New Phrase: You don't say.
Old Phrase: Eat shit.
~~
New Phrase: Excuse me?
Old Phrase: Eat shit and die.
~~
New Phrase: Excuse me, sir?
Old Phrase: Eat shit and die, motherfucker.
~~
New Phrase: They weren't happy with it?
Old Phrase: What the fuck do they want from me?
~~
New Phrase: So you would like some help?
Old Phrase: Kiss my ass.
~~
New Phrase: I love a challenge.
Old Phrase: This job sucks.
~~
New Phrase: You want me to take care of this?
Old Phrase: Who died and left you boss?
~~
New Phrase: I see.
Old Phrase: Blow me.
Q: What is the favorite fast food place for queers?
A: Burger Queen.
Q: What do you call a queer who has been lynched by the KKK?
A: A fagpole.
Q: What is the most common pickup line used by black guys?
A: "Scream, and I'll kill you."
Q: Did you hear about the new all-black western movie that just came out?
A: It's called, "Ride, Motherfucker, Ride."
A: Burger Queen.
Q: What do you call a queer who has been lynched by the KKK?
A: A fagpole.
Q: What is the most common pickup line used by black guys?
A: "Scream, and I'll kill you."
Q: Did you hear about the new all-black western movie that just came out?
A: It's called, "Ride, Motherfucker, Ride."
Cow For Sale
Harry and his wife were driving in the country when he saw a sign that
said, "Cow For Sale -- $5000" He pulled in and said to the farmer,
"There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."
"Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!" said the farmer, as he lifted the cow's
tail.
Harry thanked the farmer, then quickly turned back towards the car in
amazement. He got back in the car, turned to his wife, and said, "I
can't believe my eyes..."
"What is it?" asked his wife.
"Well, here's this farmer with a cow that has a pussy like a woman and
it's worth $5,000... and here I am with you, a woman with a cunt like a
cow, and you ain't worth nothing!"
Harry and his wife were driving in the country when he saw a sign that
said, "Cow For Sale -- $5000" He pulled in and said to the farmer,
"There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."
"Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!" said the farmer, as he lifted the cow's
tail.
Harry thanked the farmer, then quickly turned back towards the car in
amazement. He got back in the car, turned to his wife, and said, "I
can't believe my eyes..."
"What is it?" asked his wife.
"Well, here's this farmer with a cow that has a pussy like a woman and
it's worth $5,000... and here I am with you, a woman with a cunt like a
cow, and you ain't worth nothing!"
Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.
Interviewer : Name?
Tarzan : Me, Tarzan.
Interviewer : Married?
Tarzan : Wife, Jane.
Interviewer : Children?
Tarzan : Son, boy.
Interviewer : Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?
Tarzan : Tarzan, King of the Jungle
Interviewer : Jane's Whole Name?
Tarzan : Jane's Hole named Pussy
[[[[[]]]]]
A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the
place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but
direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"
[[[[[]]]]]
THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST
I CANNOT SEE, I CANNOT PEE,
I CANNOT CHEW, I CANNOT SCREW
MY MEMORY SHRINKS, MY HEARING STINKS,
NO SENSE OF SMELL, I LOOK LIKE HELL,
MY BODY'S DROOPING, GOT TROUBLE POOPING
SO THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST.
WELL, THE GOLDEN YEARS CAN KISS MY ASS!!!
Interviewer : Name?
Tarzan : Me, Tarzan.
Interviewer : Married?
Tarzan : Wife, Jane.
Interviewer : Children?
Tarzan : Son, boy.
Interviewer : Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?
Tarzan : Tarzan, King of the Jungle
Interviewer : Jane's Whole Name?
Tarzan : Jane's Hole named Pussy
[[[[[]]]]]
A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the
place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but
direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"
[[[[[]]]]]
THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST
I CANNOT SEE, I CANNOT PEE,
I CANNOT CHEW, I CANNOT SCREW
MY MEMORY SHRINKS, MY HEARING STINKS,
NO SENSE OF SMELL, I LOOK LIKE HELL,
MY BODY'S DROOPING, GOT TROUBLE POOPING
SO THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST.
WELL, THE GOLDEN YEARS CAN KISS MY ASS!!!
Top 10 Sex Positions
1. The Teabagging:
The all time classic maneuver of tapping your cock on a chick's forehead whilst she is sucking on your balls, and uttering the timeless phrase---"Who's Your daddy?"
2. The Houdini:
Going at it doggy-style until you are just about to come, then pull out and spit on her back so she thinks that you have. When she turns around a blast is unleashed into her face and she is left shocked and amazed, wondering how you managed it.
3. The Angry Dragon:
Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up, she'll look like an angry dragon.
4. Cum Guzzling Sperm Burping Bitch:
The once in a lifetime act of blowing a hot steamy load down the back of a girl's throat and then proceeding to give her a large cold bottle of your favorite carbonated drink, making her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect. A great way to impress your friends.
5. Dirty Sanchez:
A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggy-style, you insert your finger into her asshole.You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip, leaving a thin shit mustache. This makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez.
6. The Donkey Punch:
Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, you stick your dick in her ass and then punch her in the back of the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the female's ass, which will constrict the penis and give you a tremendous orgasmic experience when you ejaculate.
7. The Flaming Amazon:
This one's for all you pyromaniacs out there. When you're screwing some chick, right when your about to cum, pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then...extinguish the flames with your jizz!
8. The Flying Camel:
A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her on your knees, you very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still inserted in her vertical seafood taco. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl, much like a flying camel. Strictly a classy move.
9. The Screwnicorn:
When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.
10. The Zombie Mask:
While getting head from your favorite, unsuspecting, trash-barrel whore, tell her you want her to look right up at you with those "pretty little eyes" when you blow your load. Then, just when you're ready to spew a good weeks worth of goo, blast that hefty load in both eyes. This temporary state of blindness will produce the zombie effect as she stumbles around the room with arms outstretched, and moaning like the walking dead
1. The Teabagging:
The all time classic maneuver of tapping your cock on a chick's forehead whilst she is sucking on your balls, and uttering the timeless phrase---"Who's Your daddy?"
2. The Houdini:
Going at it doggy-style until you are just about to come, then pull out and spit on her back so she thinks that you have. When she turns around a blast is unleashed into her face and she is left shocked and amazed, wondering how you managed it.
3. The Angry Dragon:
Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up, she'll look like an angry dragon.
4. Cum Guzzling Sperm Burping Bitch:
The once in a lifetime act of blowing a hot steamy load down the back of a girl's throat and then proceeding to give her a large cold bottle of your favorite carbonated drink, making her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect. A great way to impress your friends.
5. Dirty Sanchez:
A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggy-style, you insert your finger into her asshole.You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip, leaving a thin shit mustache. This makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez.
6. The Donkey Punch:
Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, you stick your dick in her ass and then punch her in the back of the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the female's ass, which will constrict the penis and give you a tremendous orgasmic experience when you ejaculate.
7. The Flaming Amazon:
This one's for all you pyromaniacs out there. When you're screwing some chick, right when your about to cum, pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then...extinguish the flames with your jizz!
8. The Flying Camel:
A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her on your knees, you very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still inserted in her vertical seafood taco. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl, much like a flying camel. Strictly a classy move.
9. The Screwnicorn:
When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.
10. The Zombie Mask:
While getting head from your favorite, unsuspecting, trash-barrel whore, tell her you want her to look right up at you with those "pretty little eyes" when you blow your load. Then, just when you're ready to spew a good weeks worth of goo, blast that hefty load in both eyes. This temporary state of blindness will produce the zombie effect as she stumbles around the room with arms outstretched, and moaning like the walking dead
The City Of Los Angelos High School Math Profiency Exam
NAME ____________________
GANG NAME _________________
TAG ____________________
HOOD ____________________
1). Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually
misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by
shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt
before he has to reload?
2). Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio
for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street
value of the rest of his hold?
3). Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks
per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4). Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to
make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5). Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette,
and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how
many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6). Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If
his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left
when he gets out?
Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho
that spent his money?
7). If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the
average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with
3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8). Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his
gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9). Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor
that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie
makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed
the boa on one week's income?
10). Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph,
Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his
magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?
********
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one
of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of
you have sex?"
The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair,
she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."
His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad.."
The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off,
only I got somebody to talk to."
NAME ____________________
GANG NAME _________________
TAG ____________________
HOOD ____________________
1). Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually
misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by
shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt
before he has to reload?
2). Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio
for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street
value of the rest of his hold?
3). Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks
per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4). Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to
make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5). Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette,
and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how
many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6). Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If
his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left
when he gets out?
Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho
that spent his money?
7). If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the
average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with
3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8). Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his
gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9). Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor
that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie
makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed
the boa on one week's income?
10). Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph,
Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his
magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?
********
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one
of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of
you have sex?"
The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair,
she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."
His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad.."
The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off,
only I got somebody to talk to."
The Wedding Test
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
****** for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There
was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger
sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend
down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice
view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she
was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one
last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight
to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards
my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
****** for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There
was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger
sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend
down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice
view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she
was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one
last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight
to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards
my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
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