JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

This guy gets drunk one night, and wakes up with a terrible hangover, and realizes he's in a motel. As his eyes come into focus, he sees a very ugly girl sitting at the foot of the bed, staring at him.

She looks at him says, "What are we going to name it?"

He picks up the rubber he used the night before, ties it in a knot, tosses it out the window, and says, "If he gets out of this we'll call him Houdini."

*****

"My but you look different today Jill." Commented Ingrid, her co-worker."Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use -- special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up ?" "No !" replied Jill. "My damn vibrator shorted out this morning."

*****

Q. What's better than hugging a doggie?
A. Kissing a pussy
Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change?
A. A tran-sister.

*****

Little Johnny is in the bath having a wank when his mother walks
in.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" she says,
To which he replies, "Mum, it's mine and I'll wash it as fast as
I like".

*****

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him
sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in
preparation of sex with his wife. Johnny's father in attempt to hide his
full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly
replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath th

 

[melody]

Things You Don't Want To Hear Or Say In Bed

On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

Got any penicillin?

When is this supposed to feel good?

You're good enough to do this for a living.

But everybody looks funny naked.

How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?

Is that you I smell?

Have you ever considered liposuction?

Have you seen Fatal Attraction?

Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.

This would be more fun with some more people, is your
brother at home?

Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

Did I mention the video camera?

My old boyfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

And to think-I was really trying to pick up your friend!

Hope you're looking as good when I'm sober.....

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

~~~~~~~~


Important Info For Women:

1) Every blowjob you give adds one month to your life.

2) If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five
porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.

3) A hand-job a day keeps arthritis away.

4) Every ten minutes of love-making is equivalent to thirty minutes on
the treadmill.

5) Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

6) Intercourse prevents divorce.

7) Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of
brain cells.

8) Sex eliminates headaches.

9) Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard",
triples your chances of getting into heaven.

10) Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your
lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

 

[melody]

The Pope's Massive Erection

One morning the Pope awoke in his bed chamber in the Vatican. To his
surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection.
Perplexed, he called on his personal physician. "Doctor, this should not
be possible," he said, "I'm the Pope, and I'm celibate! I haven't had
one of these for 30 years!"

The doctor's reply was, "Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for
all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time".

The Pope exclaimed "But you must do something about this! I have mass
in an hour, and this thing isn't going away!"

The doctor replied "You have two options ... either I can administer an
injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and
make you feel ill, or you can just quietly go into the toilet over there
and relieve yourself."

Fearing the injection, the Pope elects the second option. Unbeknown to
him, a paparazzi photographer has sneaked into the Vatican, and just as
the Pope reaches that point of no return, up pops the photographer and
begins snapping away. The Pope immediately summons his security guards,
who arrest the photographer, and begin to beat him up.

The paparazzo shouts out, "Hey, I thought you were a Christian
organization! What has happened to your forgiveness?"

Upon refection, the pope agrees with the photographer, and relents,
saying "Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you.
Unfortunately, we cannot return your camera, as we cannot allow the
scandal of what is contained on the film to be seen in the outside
world."

Never slow to take an opportunity, the photographer replies, "But this
is how I make my living! If you take my camera, I'll lose the money I
could have sold the photographs for!"

The Pope, feeling guilty, agrees. "Very well, we will compensate you.
How about $100,000?"

Ecstatic, the man agrees, and is soon on his way. The Pope, meanwhile
attends confession, and the whole story comes out. For his penance, he
is therefore ordered to walk three times around St. Peter's, with the
offending camera around his neck. Out on his walk, he meets a Japanese
tourist:

"Ah, so, very nice Japanese camera you got there, Mr. Pope," says the
man, "how much you pay for it?"

"Being the Pope, I cannot tell a lie," he replies, "I must confess that
I paid $100,000 for it."

"Ah," says the Japanese gentleman, "look like someone saw you coming!"

 

[melody]

Condoms

Uncle Seymore goes to the drugstore for some condoms.

He goes up to the druggist and asks, "Sir, can you tell me
where the ribbed condoms are?"

The druggist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are
used for?"

"Sure do," replied Uncle Seymore. "They keep you from getting
venereal diseases."

"OK," said the druggist. "Do you know what the ribs are for?"

'Uncle Seymore thought for a minute, then looked up at the druggist
and replied, "Well, not exactly. But they sure do make the hair
on my goat's back stand up."

~~~~~~~~

Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed,
Little Bo Peep was giving him head,
As soon as he came she started to weep,
She knew by the taste he'd been fucking her sheep.

***

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear
made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well ... I can clearly see your nuts."

***

Snatch a kiss ... or vice-versa!

***

Q's & A's

Why did God create alcohol?
~ So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
~ Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

What three two-letter words denote "small"?
~ "Is it in?"

Moms have Mother's Day, fathers have Father's Day.
What do Single guys have?
~ Palm Sunday

What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
~ A spreader of old wives' tails.

Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
~ They have shaky hands!

 

[melody]

Kinky Sex

A couple has been ****** for three months, and the sex is getting dull.
One night they're lying in bed when the girl shyly says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."
He says, "Sure."
She says, "Stand over me and take a shit on me."
So he's pretty shocked, but he figures well, if it's what she wants he'll do it. He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.
She says, "Now lie in it on top of me and screw me."
So he lies on top of her, with the shit oozing between them, and she gives him the wildest hump he's ever had.
So the next time they're fucking, she asks him to do it again. He stands over her and grinds out a huge turd onto her chest. Then he lies on her, and they have another incredible lay.
As time goes on, Harry really gets into it. He eats like a horse on the days before their dates, because it seems the more he craps on her, the better the sex is.
One Thursday night, he has the runs, so on Friday morning he eats a few cheese sandwiches and downs a whole bottle of Kaopectate before he goes to work, so he won't have any catastrophic accidents at the office.
That night, he goes to her house, they go in the bedroom and get undressed, she lies on the bed, he stands over her, and squats down, and grunts...but nothing comes out. He strains a bit, and grunts, and then llbbt!...a little fart...but nothing of any substance. For a few minutes, he's pushing and grunting, when suddenly she starts sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" he asks.
"You're seeing someone else!"

o0o0o0o0o0

A man and a woman are riding an elevator.
The man says: "Can I smell your vagina?"
"Fuck no!"
"Oh -- then it must be your feet."

o0o0o0o0o0

A girl goes to the gynecologist for the first time. She's up in the stirrups, and the doctor notices she's trembling. He says: "You're nervous, aren't you?"
"Yes, it's my first visit to a gynechologist."
"Would you like me to numb you down there?"
"Oh, yes please."
He sticks his face between her legs and goes: "Num, num, num . . ."

o0o0o0o0o0

Two drunks are sitting in a bar when one smells something foul. He turns to the other. "Hey man," he says, "did you shit yourself?"
"Yeah," says the second drunk.
"Well, why don't you go clean yourself up?"
"I ain't through yet.

 

[melody]

"So....You finish?"

A virile, young Brazilian man was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rio
when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his
apartment,
and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom for doin' what
comes naturally.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... You finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No. " Surprised,
the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed.
This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion.

The love-making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he
asks,
"You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile,
cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young
man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he
barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking,
clawing and twisting the bed sheets.

The exhausted young man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to
turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again,
"You finish?

"Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear........................

"No, I'm Norwegian

~~~~~~~~

How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice dick."

How do you know you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends"

Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
Because they have cotton balls.

Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day.
What do single guys have? Palm Sunday

 

[melody]

Things That Can Drive A Sane Person Insane

You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finishcrossing.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

#################################

Sex Rules For Dummies

* IN-> OUT * A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make.
* If your wife tells you sex is a 'pain in the arse', turn her over.
* A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that's a
pawnshop.
* Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a
church.
* If she says "doggy style," Do NOT whip on down to the local SPCA
center.
* Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account.

 

[melody]

Q. How to you make a cat go "woof?"
A. Douse it in gasoline, light a match, and "woooof!"

Q. How do you make a dog go "meow?"
A. Put it in a deep freeze for 5 days, take it out, put a circular saw to it: "meeeeeeoooowwwww."

Q. What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A pit bull on a playground.

Q. Why does a rancher fuck a goat at the end of a cliff?
A. So the goat will push back.

Q. Whats the definition of disgusting?
A. Stuffing a dozen oysters into your granny's cunt and sucking out thirteen.

Q. What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?
A. Getting her out of the wheelchair!

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Q. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A. Because women don`t get blow jobs while they`re driving.

Q. What`s the difference between mayonnaise and semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn`t hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.

Q. How can you tell if you have a bad overbite?
A. You eat pussy and it tastes like shit.

Q. What do you call six lepers in a hot tub?
A. Porridge.

Q. Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good but you wonder who's been there before you.

Q. What's grosser than eating your grandmother's pussy?
A. Banging your head on the coffin lid after you're done.

Q. Hear about Kentucky-Freud Chicken?
A. It's mother-fucking good!

Q. How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Silly, sorority girls don't screw in lightbulbs -- they screw in pools of vomit!

Q. What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave oven?
A. A microwave oven won't brown your meat!

Q. Why should you wear ribbed condoms for anal sex?
A. Better traction in the mud.

Q. If a stork brings white babies, and a crow brings black babies, what brings no babies at all?
A. A swallow.

Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A. George Michael's latest release.

Q. "Johnny, can you use "indefinitely" in a sentence?"
A. "Sure! When my balls are slapping up against her ass, I'm in . . . definitely!"

Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?
A. They can smell it, but they can't eat it!

Q. How old is "old enough?"
A. Hey, if they're crawling, they're already in the right position!

Q: What's eighteen inches long, has a purple head, and makes a woman scream all night long?
A: Crib death!

Q: What's the dirtiest line ever said on television?
A: "Ward, don't you think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

Q. What's the second dirtiest line ever said on television?
A. "June, I'm going upstairs to help the boys pack some fudge."

Q: What do you do after eating a bald pussy?
A: Put the diaper back on.

 

[melody]

As the priest was leaving his church after the service, he accidentally
bumped a gorgeous blonde parishioner, knocking her left tit with his
elbow.
"I'm so sorry," the priest gushed. Then after a moment of hesitation
added, "But I'm sure that if your heart is as soft as your breast,
there's a place for you in heaven."
"Well," said the blonde, "if your cock's as hard as your elbow, we
should go into those bushes and screw!"

«~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~»

Why do blondes wear tampons?
Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.

«~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~»

A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife
angry and waiting for him at the door.
"Out drinking again!?" she says. "How much money did you spend this
time?"
"$100," answers the man.
"$100!" she shouts. "That's ridiculous, spending that much in one
night!"
"Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink,
and you have your own pussy."

«~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~»

A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal,
whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief,
"Phew, just made it."

The guy next to him looks over and says, "No Shit, can you
make me one too, but in white??"

«~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~»

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY......

Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.......
Remember, when someone annoys you,
It takes 42 muscles in your face to frown
BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole
upside the head.

 

[melody]

A Huge Schlong

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest
private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the
mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a
tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for
posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the
dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase
and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have
something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his
briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

 

[melody]

A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a
magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman...
then, poof! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."

&&&&&&&&&

On the banks of the Thames stood lord Buckingham
Dreaming of tits and of sucking them
While watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks who were fuckin' 'em

Two school-kids around Aberystwyth
Made love with the lips that they kissed with
But as they got older
They also grew bolder
Making love with the things that they pissed with

 

[melody]

Q: What do you call a fag that doesn't have aids?
A: A lucky cocksucker.

Q: What did one gerbil say to the other when they saw the faggot
swish into the pet store?
A: "Don't panic! Just turn your back and act like a dog!"


What is the difference between a Hobo and a Homo?
A Hobo is a loner who doesn't have any friends.
A Homo has friends up the arse.


Q: How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
A: They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.

Q: Did you know 70% of the faggot population were born that way?
A: The other 30% were sucked into it.


A faggot hadn't had any sex for quite some time. One night,
he happened to run into a wino just outside of a gay bar. He said to
him, "Look, I do not know you, and you don't know me, but if I can
have sex with you, I'll give you fifty bucks!" The wino considered
this proposition and said, "well---okay. But you ought to be
forewarned that I have crabs." "That's all right," said the faggot...
"I love seafood."


Q: What did the poof do when he missed his boyfriend?
A: He shit in his hand and had a wank.

Q: How do faggots spell relief?
A: N-O-A-I-D-S.


A faggot visited his bum buddy in the hospital. "What did they do?" he asked his pillow biting boyfriend lying in the bed.
"They removed my tonsils, pulled out my teeth, and cut out my hemorrhoids. "
"My God," gasped the poo bandit. "A complete hysterectomy! "


Q: Hear about the new gay sitcom?
A: "Leave it, it's Beaver."

Q: Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
A: He found a hare up his ass.


Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a faggot went to his doctor. The
physician prescribed suppositories, but when it came time to use them the young man was afraid he would do it wrong. So he went into the bathroom and, bending over, looked through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis became stiff and blocked his view. "Oh, stop it," the young man scolded his organ, "it's only me!"


Q: What is a shit?
A: A faggot's wet dream.

Q: What does AIDS stand for?
A: Arsehole Injected Death Sentence!

 

[melody]

Pissed Off

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front
door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by
my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were
only SIX inches off the ground!!"

 

[melody]

Little Mary was not the best student:

''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy
seated in the chair behind her, took a pin
and jabbed her in the rear.

''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary
and the teacher said, ''Very good'' .

A while later the teacher asked Mary,
''Who is our Lord and Savior?''
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said,
''Very good,''

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question,
''What did Eve say to Adam after she
had her twenty-third child?''
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted,
''If you stick that damn thing in me one more
time, I'll break it in half!''
The Teacher fainted.

 

[melody]

Advantages/Disadvantages Of Having A Threesome

Advantages

1. It can get really weird

2. Someone can go for beer without
interrupting the proceedings

3. There's always a hand or mouth
free when you need one

4. Motel rooms split 3
ways are only $13

5. You get to watch your
best friends making love

6. You get to get watched
making love

7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and
oral sex has to be experienced to
be believed

8. You get strange looks when
you all go out dancing

9. You get really strange looks when
you all go out comparison shopping for
condoms

10. Enough people to play gin rummy
if things don't work out

11. You can safely check yourself for any
homosexual tendencies without
actually doing anything about it
12. Calling out the wrong name during
climax isn't as much of a problem, the
"wrong name" is probably the one on your left
13. Three-person showers are fantastic
14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better
15. Three-person kisses are best

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Disadvantages

1. It can get really weird
2. Tougher for three people to
decide on pizza toppings
3. Simultaneous orgasms are
even trickier to pull off
4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that
while you're in the bathroom; the
other two are giggling over the pimple on your butt
5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows
6. You get to find out what kind of really
sick things your friends like
7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller
than you remember them
8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart
when drawing on your notebooks
9. Morning breath multiplied by 3
10. You might discover homosexual tendencies
you didn't suspect or want
11. You might discover homosexual tendencies
in one of your friends you
didn't suspect or want
12. You have the option of wrecking twice
the normal number of relationships
13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses
walking in on you triple
14. Sorting clothes quickly when the
boyfriend/spouse walks in assumes
comical proportions
15. Now there are two wet spots to avoid.

 

[melody]

A Welsh Farmer walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm.
He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife lying in bed, reading 'PlayGirl' and wearing her sexiest undies. "Darling," he says, "This is the ugly, fat pig I have to screw when you're not around."
"You idiot," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep."

"Shut up," replied the Farmer. "I wasn't talking to you."

%%%%%

The once was a girl named Kate,
Whose pussy smelled like bait!
Whenever Jeff pounds her
The room reeks of flounder.
Her twat, she should refrigerate.

%%%%%

That Jack was one randy ole bloke,
Even made it with a cow as a joke.
When he found the pleasure divine
He purchased the friendly bovine,
Now he's called the old cowpoke.

%%%%%

What do a bungee jumper and a gay man have in common?
If the rubber breaks, they're both in deep shit

What's the difference between a prostitute and a rooster?
A rooster says, "Cock a doodle do" and a prostitute says, "Any cock'll
do."

%%%%%

"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without
me, and she wants to marry me."
"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"
"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me the fuck alone."

%%%%%

Bravery: Coming home late after a guy's night out, being met at
the door by your wife with a broom, and still having the balls
to ask, "Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"

 

[melody]

Raunchy Q's & A's

Q: What is soft and warm when you go to bed,
but hard and stiff when you wake up?
A: Vomit.

Q: How do you make a cat drink?
A: Put it in a blender.

Q: What's the difference between rape and seduction?
A: Salesmanship.

Q: How can you tell when a porno film has been a stirring performance?
A: When there isn't a dry fly in the house.

Q: What's the best way to stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.

Q : What's got 2 legs and bleeds?
A : Half a dog.

Q. Why do women have legs?
A. So they don't leave snail trails.

Q: Why does a necrophiliac wait six weeks before he fucks a stiff ?
A: Because then he can stick in it anywhere he likes.

Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?
A: It depends on how hard you throw them.

Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia.

Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Q. Why is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper?
A. They're both looking for dead beaver.

Q. How does a gay guy fake an orgasm?
A. Stands behind his partner and throws warm yogurt on his back.

Q. How many "Sickest Sites" fans does it take to put in a light bulb?
A. One, but it takes an entire emergency room to get it out.

Q. What's the difference between snot and broccoli?
A. Kids won't eat broccoli.

Q: What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
A: Vomit.

Q: What do you call a fat chick with a yeast infection?
A: A Whopper with cheese

Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection ?
A: A quarter-pounder with cheese.

Q: Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A: Becase women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

Q: What does a girl with bulimia call two fingers?
A: Dessert.

Q. Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
A. He did okay until his business fell off.

Q: What's green, smells bad and has 12 tits?
A: A garbage bag at a breast cancer clinic.

Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.

 

[melody]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the
side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It
was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can
we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K. Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get warm"?

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

He says, "Just hold its little nose".

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him
with, died at the scene.

 

[melody]

One day a woman who was born with no arms and no legs is wheeled out to the beach. While she's lying on her beach towel she notices an oil lamp that has been half buried in the sand beside her. She wriggles over to it and manages to rub her cheek on the lamp. A genie appears and he says "I am the genie of the lamp, you have released me and I grant you one wish."
The woman thinks about what she is going to wish for and she replies "I have no arms and no legs. I've never been fucked before, and I wish to get fucked!"
So the genie picks up the woman and throws her into the ocean and says "Now you're fucked!"

 

[melody]

High School Graduate

A young high school graduate was having a hard time getting a date for his prom. After almost giving up, his mom and dad suggested that he take his sister. The young lad didn't want to miss his prom so he agreed. On the way home from the prom he took a look at his sister and said "If you weren't my sister I'd pull over and park" She replied "Pretend I'm not your sister" so he pulled over to the side of the road. This finally led to having sex together.

After they finished she said "Wow, your dick is almost as big as dad's" to which he replied "Yeah, that's what mom tells me"