JeSt fOr LaUgHs...
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Reasons To Be Single
Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.
I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.
I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.
I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".
I'd be painting the town instead of the house.
When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.
I could show my girlfriend where I live.
I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.
The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.
I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.
I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!
I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.
I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.
You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!
Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.
Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.
I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.
I could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.
I could use my own name at hotels.
I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.
When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're fat!".
##################
Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there's nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die...
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.
I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.
I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.
I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".
I'd be painting the town instead of the house.
When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.
I could show my girlfriend where I live.
I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.
The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.
I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.
I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!
I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.
I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.
You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!
Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.
Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.
I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.
I could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.
I could use my own name at hotels.
I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.
When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're fat!".
##################
Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there's nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die...
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Little Johnny is sitting on the front porch steps, and his 17-year-old
sister is sitting in the swing in a dress with no panties. She notices
Johnny trying to get a look up her dress so she picks up her knees and
spreads her legs and asked "Johnny, what do you think about my WILDCAT?"
Johnny looks up, stares all bug-eyed and replies, "That's a mean
motherfucker, sis!"
Sis asks, "Why do you think he's mean?"
Johnny says, "Just look at him, sis, he's got blood in one eye and shit in
the other!"
o*o*o*o*o*
After 29 yrs of marriage,...a woman decided she needed to do something
to spice up her marriage.
She went out and bought a pair of crotchless panties, ....put them on,
...walked up to her husband and said,..."Do you want some of this?"
He replied, "Hell No... Look what it did to those panties!"
o*o*o*o*o*
The farmer's neglected wife steps behind the barn and sees the young
hired hand taking a piss. She stares in disbelief at his huge
apparatus and say, "Boy, I'd sure like to have some of THAT!"
He says, "Well, you'd best run get you a cup. I'm 'bout through."
o*o*o*o*o*
She looked so fair, in the midnight air,
With the wind blowing up her nightie...
Her tits hung loose, like the balls of a moose,
Jesus Christ Almighty...
The nipples on her tits were as big as my thumb,
The wiggle of her ass could make a dead man come,
She sucks like a vacuum, and she's real fucking dumb,
She's the girl for me.
sister is sitting in the swing in a dress with no panties. She notices
Johnny trying to get a look up her dress so she picks up her knees and
spreads her legs and asked "Johnny, what do you think about my WILDCAT?"
Johnny looks up, stares all bug-eyed and replies, "That's a mean
motherfucker, sis!"
Sis asks, "Why do you think he's mean?"
Johnny says, "Just look at him, sis, he's got blood in one eye and shit in
the other!"
o*o*o*o*o*
After 29 yrs of marriage,...a woman decided she needed to do something
to spice up her marriage.
She went out and bought a pair of crotchless panties, ....put them on,
...walked up to her husband and said,..."Do you want some of this?"
He replied, "Hell No... Look what it did to those panties!"
o*o*o*o*o*
The farmer's neglected wife steps behind the barn and sees the young
hired hand taking a piss. She stares in disbelief at his huge
apparatus and say, "Boy, I'd sure like to have some of THAT!"
He says, "Well, you'd best run get you a cup. I'm 'bout through."
o*o*o*o*o*
She looked so fair, in the midnight air,
With the wind blowing up her nightie...
Her tits hung loose, like the balls of a moose,
Jesus Christ Almighty...
The nipples on her tits were as big as my thumb,
The wiggle of her ass could make a dead man come,
She sucks like a vacuum, and she's real fucking dumb,
She's the girl for me.
PREGNANCY Q's & A's
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q: The more pregnant I get the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q: The more pregnant I get the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this
and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old
lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever. The second old
lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old
lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage
she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet
up over her head.
When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has
his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when
she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps
into bed and throws her feet up over her head. Her husband comes
into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude,
comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like
an asshole!
and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old
lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever. The second old
lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old
lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage
she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet
up over her head.
When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has
his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when
she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps
into bed and throws her feet up over her head. Her husband comes
into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude,
comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like
an asshole!
A man is getting ready to fuck his new girlfriend for the first
time. He tries to push his dick in, but he can't get it in. He
tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her
and starts giving it to her. He says, "Damn, this hurts. It's
so tight I can barely take it."
She says, "OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little
easier."
He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she
returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He
slides in again, and this time it's much easier.
"Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in
there?"
"Nope," she replies, "I just peeled off the fucking scabs..."
time. He tries to push his dick in, but he can't get it in. He
tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her
and starts giving it to her. He says, "Damn, this hurts. It's
so tight I can barely take it."
She says, "OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little
easier."
He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she
returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He
slides in again, and this time it's much easier.
"Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in
there?"
"Nope," she replies, "I just peeled off the fucking scabs..."
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling
or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing
himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his
usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says,
"You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink
Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League.
We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around
Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she
can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming
at him.
The cabby turns his head and says,
"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"
or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing
himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his
usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says,
"You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink
Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League.
We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around
Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she
can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming
at him.
The cabby turns his head and says,
"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"
Multi-Syllable
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable
words.
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children
examples
of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"
"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"
"Does anyone know another word."
"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word."
"Saturday." says Mike.
"Great, that has three syllables..."
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick
me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher
reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny.
Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable
words.
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children
examples
of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"
"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"
"Does anyone know another word."
"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word."
"Saturday." says Mike.
"Great, that has three syllables..."
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick
me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher
reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny.
Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."
A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a
few beers after work.The man said that his wife would never go for it, that
she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The
co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home
tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull
down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Woman love it, and
believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that
night he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid
down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned
with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a
leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the
hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very
suprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked
"Shhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
few beers after work.The man said that his wife would never go for it, that
she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The
co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home
tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull
down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Woman love it, and
believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that
night he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid
down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned
with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a
leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the
hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very
suprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked
"Shhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes
back
there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a
note
to
the Chinaman that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry.
Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, "Use
more paper on ass."
-------
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a
grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to
play with...the other is used to carry groceries.
Q. If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be
the prostitute?
A. The one that's labeled "IDAHO"
back
there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a
note
to
the Chinaman that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry.
Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, "Use
more paper on ass."
-------
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a
grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to
play with...the other is used to carry groceries.
Q. If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be
the prostitute?
A. The one that's labeled "IDAHO"
Diet Rules
1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate is canceled out by the diet Coke.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (For example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake, vodka...)
5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.
6. Cinema-related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes popcorn, Minties, Maltesers, Jaffas and frozen Cokes.
7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage.
8. Food licked from knives and spoons has no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.
9. Foods that are the same color have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice cream, apples and red jelly snakes.
10. Chocolate is like a food-color wildcard and may be substituted for any other color.
11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass.
12. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (Oh, how fat likes to cling!)
And remember: 'STRESSED' SPELT BACKWARDS IS 'DESSERTS'!
1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate is canceled out by the diet Coke.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (For example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake, vodka...)
5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.
6. Cinema-related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes popcorn, Minties, Maltesers, Jaffas and frozen Cokes.
7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage.
8. Food licked from knives and spoons has no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.
9. Foods that are the same color have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice cream, apples and red jelly snakes.
10. Chocolate is like a food-color wildcard and may be substituted for any other color.
11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass.
12. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (Oh, how fat likes to cling!)
And remember: 'STRESSED' SPELT BACKWARDS IS 'DESSERTS'!
Little Johnny was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman
about to breast feed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a
very large breast and popped the rosy nipple into the child's mouth.
"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" Little Johnny asked.
"Relax, son. She's just feeding him," his father replied.
"Get the fuck outta here!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "There's no way
he'll eat all of that!"
about to breast feed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a
very large breast and popped the rosy nipple into the child's mouth.
"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" Little Johnny asked.
"Relax, son. She's just feeding him," his father replied.
"Get the fuck outta here!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "There's no way
he'll eat all of that!"
Harry and Rachel are celebrating their fiftieth wedding
anniversary at the Fontainbleau and it's a hell of a party:
champagne, caviar, toasts by all of their best friends who've
assembled for the occasion. Finally, tired and happy, the
couple retires to their luxurious suite.
"Rachel," says Harry, "you know, this would be the perfect
evening if only..."
"Oh, Harry," sighs Rachel, "I thought you got over that years
ago. You know I don't like it."
"But, Rachel, it's such a special night. Just this once..."
"Harry, you know how I feel about this sort of thing."
"I know, I know," pleads Harry, "but you know how much it'll
mean to me."
So Rachel finally goes down on him. Just as she's finishing
up, the phone rings.
Harry gets up on one elbow and says, "Answer the ph
anniversary at the Fontainbleau and it's a hell of a party:
champagne, caviar, toasts by all of their best friends who've
assembled for the occasion. Finally, tired and happy, the
couple retires to their luxurious suite.
"Rachel," says Harry, "you know, this would be the perfect
evening if only..."
"Oh, Harry," sighs Rachel, "I thought you got over that years
ago. You know I don't like it."
"But, Rachel, it's such a special night. Just this once..."
"Harry, you know how I feel about this sort of thing."
"I know, I know," pleads Harry, "but you know how much it'll
mean to me."
So Rachel finally goes down on him. Just as she's finishing
up, the phone rings.
Harry gets up on one elbow and says, "Answer the ph
Q. What is a Redneck's defense in court?
A. "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."
Q. What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A. A documentary.
Q. What do they call it in Kentucky?
A. "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
Q. How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?
A. Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
Q. Why did God invent armadillos?
A. So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
Q. How do you know if a redneck is married?
A. There's chewing tobacco stains on both sides of the truck.
Q. What is the definition of cowboy foreplay?
A. Git in the truck, bitch.
Q. What do you call a redneck that does not have sex with his sister?
A. An only child.
•••••••••
It was a very hot, steamy July day in Minnesota. Helga, a hard working
Norwegian woman, had just hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the
oven,
then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main
Street.
She passed by a tavern. As the cool air rushed out through the open
doorway,
Helga thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said,"it is so hot, I tink I'll have myself zee cold
beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied "Vell
fine,
tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
A. "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."
Q. What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A. A documentary.
Q. What do they call it in Kentucky?
A. "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
Q. How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?
A. Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
Q. Why did God invent armadillos?
A. So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
Q. How do you know if a redneck is married?
A. There's chewing tobacco stains on both sides of the truck.
Q. What is the definition of cowboy foreplay?
A. Git in the truck, bitch.
Q. What do you call a redneck that does not have sex with his sister?
A. An only child.
•••••••••
It was a very hot, steamy July day in Minnesota. Helga, a hard working
Norwegian woman, had just hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the
oven,
then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main
Street.
She passed by a tavern. As the cool air rushed out through the open
doorway,
Helga thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said,"it is so hot, I tink I'll have myself zee cold
beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied "Vell
fine,
tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
Ad Word Meanings
40-ish. . . 48.
Adventurous... has had more partners than you ever will.
Athletic... flat-chested.
Average looking... ugly.
Beautiful... pathological liar.
Contagious smile... bring your penicillin.
Educated... college dropout.
Emotionally secure... medicated.
Feminist... fat ball-buster.
Free spirit. . . substance user.
Friendship first. . . trying to live down a reputation as a slut.
Fun... annoying.
Gentle... comatose.
Good listener... borderline autistic.
New-age... all body hair, all the time.
Old-fashioned ... lights out, missionary position only.
Open-minded... desperate.
Outgoing. . . loud.
Passionate. . . loud.
Poet... depressive schizophrenic.
Redhead... shops in the Clairol section.
Rubenesque... grossly fat.
Romantic. . . looks better by candlelight.
Voluptuous... very fat.
Weight proportional to height... hugely fat.
Wants soul mate... one step away from stalking.
Widow... nagged first husband to death.
Young at heart... toothless crone.
~~~~~~~~
"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah
built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel,
chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every
last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."
He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier
on the loch?" He continues, "AH built it me ownself, too. Swam
oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single
board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."
"But ye fuck ONE sheep...."
40-ish. . . 48.
Adventurous... has had more partners than you ever will.
Athletic... flat-chested.
Average looking... ugly.
Beautiful... pathological liar.
Contagious smile... bring your penicillin.
Educated... college dropout.
Emotionally secure... medicated.
Feminist... fat ball-buster.
Free spirit. . . substance user.
Friendship first. . . trying to live down a reputation as a slut.
Fun... annoying.
Gentle... comatose.
Good listener... borderline autistic.
New-age... all body hair, all the time.
Old-fashioned ... lights out, missionary position only.
Open-minded... desperate.
Outgoing. . . loud.
Passionate. . . loud.
Poet... depressive schizophrenic.
Redhead... shops in the Clairol section.
Rubenesque... grossly fat.
Romantic. . . looks better by candlelight.
Voluptuous... very fat.
Weight proportional to height... hugely fat.
Wants soul mate... one step away from stalking.
Widow... nagged first husband to death.
Young at heart... toothless crone.
~~~~~~~~
"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah
built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel,
chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every
last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."
He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier
on the loch?" He continues, "AH built it me ownself, too. Swam
oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single
board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."
"But ye fuck ONE sheep...."
Three Doctors
Three doctors were discussing the worst thing that had ever happened
to them as doctors. The first said that he was in the war and a soldier
was shot across the stomach which caused his intestines to fall out on
the ground. He had to put them back in on the battlefield.
The second doctor told about that the time when his waiting room was full
of patients and a woman had a miscarriage in the waiting room. This caused
a lot of the waiting people to get sick and throw up. As you can imagine,
this caused quite a mess and a terrible odor.
The third doctor said, "Yes those were bad, but wait until you hear my
story." "I got a call out to a rural area where there were little
sanitation facilities. When I arrived there was a huge ("I mean HUGE")
woman who was suffering a bad case of blood poisoning. This was caused
by a huge boil between her anus and vagina."
"I knew that if I did not get the core out of that boil, she may die."
"I wasn't prepared with the proper instruments, so I knew I would have
to suck it out to save her life!"
"I had to make a decision as which way to face when I did it." "Knowing
that she had not had a shower in quite some time, I figured that putting
my nose to the rear would be the least offensive." ("At least this got
wiped once in a while") "I did this. and just as I started to suck, she
farted and I swallowed the core from that damn boil!"
~~~~~~~~
The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats a 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothin. When I've finished shaggin me sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me "old mate" on the curtains. And MATE ..... She hits the fucking! roof !!!"
Three doctors were discussing the worst thing that had ever happened
to them as doctors. The first said that he was in the war and a soldier
was shot across the stomach which caused his intestines to fall out on
the ground. He had to put them back in on the battlefield.
The second doctor told about that the time when his waiting room was full
of patients and a woman had a miscarriage in the waiting room. This caused
a lot of the waiting people to get sick and throw up. As you can imagine,
this caused quite a mess and a terrible odor.
The third doctor said, "Yes those were bad, but wait until you hear my
story." "I got a call out to a rural area where there were little
sanitation facilities. When I arrived there was a huge ("I mean HUGE")
woman who was suffering a bad case of blood poisoning. This was caused
by a huge boil between her anus and vagina."
"I knew that if I did not get the core out of that boil, she may die."
"I wasn't prepared with the proper instruments, so I knew I would have
to suck it out to save her life!"
"I had to make a decision as which way to face when I did it." "Knowing
that she had not had a shower in quite some time, I figured that putting
my nose to the rear would be the least offensive." ("At least this got
wiped once in a while") "I did this. and just as I started to suck, she
farted and I swallowed the core from that damn boil!"
~~~~~~~~
The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats a 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothin. When I've finished shaggin me sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me "old mate" on the curtains. And MATE ..... She hits the fucking! roof !!!"
Last edited:
Husband And Wife
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for
weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does
it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think
so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To
which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have
Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front
door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says.
"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't
think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to
go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps
are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is
working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a
nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do
all the repairs, and all I had to do was either give him a blow job and
fuck him, or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooooo........ Do you see Betty Crocker written on my
forehead?
~~~~~~~~
My urologist told me all his patients were dicks.
My proctologist has a bunch of ass holes for patients.
^*^
Hear about the 2 gay Irish Lovers?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick FitzGerald
^*^
Then there was the poor girl who found out that the guy she'd married
was gay.
On her wedding night she didn't know which way to turn!
^*^
What do you get when you cross a penis with an oriental?
A cock-ASAIN
^*^
Why do Doctors slap a baby's bottom when they're born?
To knock the penis off of the stupid ones.
^*^
A Slut is a woman that will sleep with anyone.
A Bitch is a woman that will sleep with anyone but you.
All women are Bitches.
^*^
When a woman says "No!" she really means "Yes!" --except, of course,
when she means "NO!"
^*^
Why is eating pussy like dealing with the Mafia?
One slip of the tongue and your in deep SHIT!!
^*^
Why can't a woman go 68 MPH on the highway?
Because at 69 they blow a rod!
^*^
How do you tell if you've had a really good night of Oral Sex?
You wake up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your
mouth.
^*^
Platonic Relationship:
What develops after two good friends are tired of fucking each other
^*^
Q. How do you get your husband interested in oral sex?
A. Douche in beer.
^*^
What do women and condoms have in common?
If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
^*^
Women are just like orange juice cartons. It's not the shape or the size
that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those fucking
flaps to open!
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for
weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does
it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think
so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To
which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have
Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front
door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says.
"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't
think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to
go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps
are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is
working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a
nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do
all the repairs, and all I had to do was either give him a blow job and
fuck him, or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooooo........ Do you see Betty Crocker written on my
forehead?
~~~~~~~~
My urologist told me all his patients were dicks.
My proctologist has a bunch of ass holes for patients.
^*^
Hear about the 2 gay Irish Lovers?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick FitzGerald
^*^
Then there was the poor girl who found out that the guy she'd married
was gay.
On her wedding night she didn't know which way to turn!
^*^
What do you get when you cross a penis with an oriental?
A cock-ASAIN
^*^
Why do Doctors slap a baby's bottom when they're born?
To knock the penis off of the stupid ones.
^*^
A Slut is a woman that will sleep with anyone.
A Bitch is a woman that will sleep with anyone but you.
All women are Bitches.
^*^
When a woman says "No!" she really means "Yes!" --except, of course,
when she means "NO!"
^*^
Why is eating pussy like dealing with the Mafia?
One slip of the tongue and your in deep SHIT!!
^*^
Why can't a woman go 68 MPH on the highway?
Because at 69 they blow a rod!
^*^
How do you tell if you've had a really good night of Oral Sex?
You wake up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your
mouth.
^*^
Platonic Relationship:
What develops after two good friends are tired of fucking each other
^*^
Q. How do you get your husband interested in oral sex?
A. Douche in beer.
^*^
What do women and condoms have in common?
If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
^*^
Women are just like orange juice cartons. It's not the shape or the size
that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those fucking
flaps to open!
The Russian couples sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a
black market copy of a sex manual. A week later, the man said to the
women, "Honey, I want to eat your pussy like it says in the book, but it
smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine
deodorant spray?"
She agreed. An hour later, she returned, all excited. "You should see
the flavors they have," she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry,
banana ...."
"What did you get?" he interrupted.
"Tuna," she replied.
------
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a feminist?
A. The lawyer sucks blood and the feminist sucks my cock.
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
Q. Did you hear about the new feminine hygiene spray called SSY?
A. That's what you have left after you take the PU out of pussy.
Did you hear about the necrophiliac who thought he was in love, until
the rotten cunt split on him?
-----
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over ten.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you meant with one guy.
------
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it!
Q: What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A: Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.
Q: How do you get four faggots to share a barstool?
Q: Turn it upside down!
Q: What do 60,000 abused woman have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen!
Q: What do you call a thick fingered lesbian?
A: Well hung
Q: What did the Mexican do with his first 50 cent piece?
A: He married her.
=====
A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental
state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.
He explains, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can
enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how
to fuck, or I don't know how to shit."
======
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive
imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "You
wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on
a dead beaver."
===
Q. What do you call lesbian twins?
A. Lick-a-likes.
Mary had a little lamb, it's fleece was white as snow,
and everywhere that Mary went, she stepped in lamb shit.
Q. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
A. One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
Q. Do you know why no woman will ever be truly satisfied?
A. Because no man will ever have a Chocolate Penis that ejaculates
Money!
black market copy of a sex manual. A week later, the man said to the
women, "Honey, I want to eat your pussy like it says in the book, but it
smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine
deodorant spray?"
She agreed. An hour later, she returned, all excited. "You should see
the flavors they have," she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry,
banana ...."
"What did you get?" he interrupted.
"Tuna," she replied.
------
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a feminist?
A. The lawyer sucks blood and the feminist sucks my cock.
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
Q. Did you hear about the new feminine hygiene spray called SSY?
A. That's what you have left after you take the PU out of pussy.
Did you hear about the necrophiliac who thought he was in love, until
the rotten cunt split on him?
-----
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over ten.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you meant with one guy.
------
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it!
Q: What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A: Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.
Q: How do you get four faggots to share a barstool?
Q: Turn it upside down!
Q: What do 60,000 abused woman have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen!
Q: What do you call a thick fingered lesbian?
A: Well hung
Q: What did the Mexican do with his first 50 cent piece?
A: He married her.
=====
A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental
state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.
He explains, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can
enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how
to fuck, or I don't know how to shit."
======
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive
imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "You
wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on
a dead beaver."
===
Q. What do you call lesbian twins?
A. Lick-a-likes.
Mary had a little lamb, it's fleece was white as snow,
and everywhere that Mary went, she stepped in lamb shit.
Q. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
A. One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
Q. Do you know why no woman will ever be truly satisfied?
A. Because no man will ever have a Chocolate Penis that ejaculates
Money!
Come Ons And Come Backs
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there any more.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls
you a fat slut.
Man : Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you will be on your knees sucking
on my cock.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in
the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's how you got that little moustache
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load up your arse.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of bitch
that's impossible to shake off once you've shagged her.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me....as long as you are still a bit
warm when I shove it in ya.
~~~~~~~~
Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Confucious Say: Man who kiss girl's behind, gets crack in face.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q. What's worse than a cardboard box?
A. Paper tits!
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
~~~~~~~~
Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
1. Dumber than a box of hair.
2. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
3. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
4. All foam, no beer.
5. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
6. If he/she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there any more.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls
you a fat slut.
Man : Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you will be on your knees sucking
on my cock.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in
the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's how you got that little moustache
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load up your arse.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of bitch
that's impossible to shake off once you've shagged her.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me....as long as you are still a bit
warm when I shove it in ya.
~~~~~~~~
Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Confucious Say: Man who kiss girl's behind, gets crack in face.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q. What's worse than a cardboard box?
A. Paper tits!
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
~~~~~~~~
Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
1. Dumber than a box of hair.
2. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
3. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
4. All foam, no beer.
5. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
6. If he/she had another brain, it would be lonely.
The Farter Chart .... Types Of Farters
(Part 1)
VAIN : One who loves the smell of his own fart
AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart
LAZY : Just fizzles
AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts
PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant
SHY : Blushes when he farts silently
IRREVERENT : Farts in church
SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present
CLEVER : Farts and coughs at the same time
SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his farts for later sniffing
STINGY : Belches to save his ass hole
TIMID : Jumps when he farts
CONCEITED : Thinks he can fart the loudest
UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart but shits himself
FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours
BEWILDERED : Can't tell his own fart from others
NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a fart
MISERABLE : Can't fart at all
CONFUSED : Face is so much like an ass, fart can't tell which way to go
GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies fart
SNEAKY : Farts and blames it on the dog
DISAPPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell
CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles
FRESH GUY : Jumps in front of you and then farts
BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others
DUMB : Enjoys others' farts, thinks they are his own
CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating
WISE GUY : Farts and asks who shit
DAMNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's head
MUSICAL : Tenor or bass, clear as a bell, smells like shit and sounds like hell
ATHLETIC : Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3 times
SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear
IMPUDENT : Farts out loud and then laughs
ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about the pollution
HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason
DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog
THRIFTY : One who always has farts in reserve
ANTI-SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private
STRATEGIC : Conceals his fart by loud laughter
INTELLECTUAL : Analyzes the smell of his neighbors' fart
WIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion
SADIST : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers
SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying
AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes
MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles
(Part 1)
VAIN : One who loves the smell of his own fart
AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart
LAZY : Just fizzles
AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts
PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant
SHY : Blushes when he farts silently
IRREVERENT : Farts in church
SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present
CLEVER : Farts and coughs at the same time
SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his farts for later sniffing
STINGY : Belches to save his ass hole
TIMID : Jumps when he farts
CONCEITED : Thinks he can fart the loudest
UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart but shits himself
FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours
BEWILDERED : Can't tell his own fart from others
NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a fart
MISERABLE : Can't fart at all
CONFUSED : Face is so much like an ass, fart can't tell which way to go
GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies fart
SNEAKY : Farts and blames it on the dog
DISAPPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell
CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles
FRESH GUY : Jumps in front of you and then farts
BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others
DUMB : Enjoys others' farts, thinks they are his own
CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating
WISE GUY : Farts and asks who shit
DAMNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's head
MUSICAL : Tenor or bass, clear as a bell, smells like shit and sounds like hell
ATHLETIC : Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3 times
SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear
IMPUDENT : Farts out loud and then laughs
ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about the pollution
HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason
DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog
THRIFTY : One who always has farts in reserve
ANTI-SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private
STRATEGIC : Conceals his fart by loud laughter
INTELLECTUAL : Analyzes the smell of his neighbors' fart
WIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion
SADIST : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers
SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying
AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes
MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles
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hi sifu, Any sifu know wish one is better remap or rechip?
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