JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Little Boy And Little Girl Games

The little boy went over to the little girls house next door. Their parents were at work. They played with her toys for a while and became bored.
The little boy turned to the girl and said, "I know a game we can play." So they went in the kitchen. The little boy got two plates out of the cabinet and some flour. The little boy put a cup of flour on each plate. The little boy said, "Now, what we do is squat over our plate and fart. Whoever blows up the biggest puff of flour wins." The little girl said, "You go first".
So the little boy squatted over his plate and gave out a big grunt. Up came a little puff of flour.
The little girl squatted down over her plate, gave out a grunt and blew all the flour off the plate. The little boy said, "Wow, I've never seen anything like that, let me look at your butt!" The little girl bent over so he could see.
The little boy looked at her butt and said, "No wonder! You got one of them double barrels!"

=====

EPT (early pregnancy test) - Blue means not pregnant. Pink
means pregnant. Brown means you had it in the wrong hole.

=====

It seems researchers at the University of Mississippi Medical
school, have come up with the first marijuana-based medical
suppository. The only drawback so far is that approximately ten
minutes after insertion, you have an overpowering urge to shove a
Twinkie up your ass."

=====

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor
takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of
the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he
begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I'm doing ?"

"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities." "Correct," says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now",
he says. "Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast
cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to
actually fucking her "Do you know," he pants "what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You`re getting "AIDs."

 

[melody]

Did The Splits

Sheila the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on
the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she
somehow slipped sideways and did the splits and suctioned herself to the
floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody
suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl.
I'll go across the road and get Cobba."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"Let's try Plan B." said Cobba.

"Plan B?!" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?"

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles
under her," replied Cobba.

"Spot on." Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play
with her tits."

"Play with her tits?" Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that
mate."

"No," Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can
slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."

********

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a
week later.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.

Q. What's better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.

Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time.

Q. What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.

********

A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned
the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. The
service man opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man said, "
It looks like you've blown a seal ", the man replies "No, it's just
frost on my moustache."

 

[melody]

One Wish

A greyhound carrying only women crashed into the side of a mountain, and
everyone inside died. They met their maker at the pearly gates, and
because women are the down-trodden of society, He decided to grant them
one wish each and return them to Earth for 24 hours. They all lined up,
and God asked the first one what her wish was.

"I want to be a man," the first woman answered.
God snapped His fingers, and it was done.

The second one in line heard this and said "Then I want to be a man,
too."
Another snap of His fingers and she became a man.

This goes on down the line, snapping fingers and creating men. When God
got halfway down the line, the last women in line started laughing.
Finally, God reached this woman and asked her what her wish was be.
The feminist laughed and said, "Make 'em all fuckin' fags!"
==================================
When I was young and had no sense
I stuck my dick in an electric fence
it singed my hair and tickled my balls
I shit all over my new overalls .
==================================
There was an old woman,
who lived in a shoe,
she had so many children,
her cunt fell off
==================================
In ancient times it was believed that the gods and goddesses could come
down to earth and visit mortals, sometimes having carnal relations with
them.

One morning a sweet young thing told her mother, "I think a god coupled
with me last night."

"Really?" her mother asked. "I wonder if it's Thor?"

"Thor?" the girl asked. "it'th tho thore I can't touch it with a powder
puff!"

 

[melody]

A Dog Named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I
call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to
the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would
like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I
said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I
said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years
old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have
Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world
revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal
life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would
enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the
Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When
we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me
and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the
motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps
me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking
around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said
that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said,
"I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex
left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A
cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in
the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next
Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn
troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when
I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What
seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my
life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so
lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that
sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

 

[melody]

Guys And Their Sex Lives

There were two guys in a bar discussing their sex lives.
One guy says to the other,"How's your sex life buddy?"
The other guy says,"Not too good.Every time me and the wife have sex,she loses interest half way through.It's very frustrating."
The first guy says,"Yeah,I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure.I hid a starter pistol under the bed.When she started to run out of steam,I simply fired the starter pistol.It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough.I wish I'd done it years ago."
The other guy says,"That sounds like a good idea.I think I'll give it a try!"
The next day they are back in the bar again.The first guy says,
"How did you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says,"Buddy, don't talk to me about starter pistols!
Last night we were having oral sex in the 69 position.As usual,she lost interest half way through,so I fired the starter pistol just like you said."
The first guy says,"So what happened?"
The other guy says,"She bit my cock ,shit in my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up!

~~~~~~~~

A boy walks up to his dad and ask him "Dad what is that thing between a
girls legs that has hair on it?"

His dad said, "Well son that is called a vagina."

His son thought about that for a minute and then ask, "OK then, what is
that little thing that looks like a really small penis in a woman's
vagina?"

"Well they call that a clitoris son," said the father.

"OK dad, just one more question... What is that really smooth peice of
skin that is below a woman's vagina?"

The boys dad thinks about this for a minute and says, "Well son, I don't
know the medical term for it but I just call it a chin rest."

 

[melody]

The Most Functional Word is....

Well, it's shit........That's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider:
You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit,
buy shit,
sell shit,
lose shit,
find shit,
forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit, while others
can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits,
dumb shits,
crazy shits
and sweet shits.

There is bull shit,
horse shit and
chicken shit.

You can throw shit,
sling shit,
catch shit,
shoot shit,
or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or
serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit
or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit,
not enough shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit or
a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up a shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
and other times you fall in a bucket of shit
and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit!

 

[melody]

Inventions by Blondes

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlights

Submarine screen doors

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart boards

A dictionary index

Mechanical Pencil sharpener

Powdered water

Pedal-powered wheel chairs

Waterproof tea bags

Watermelon seed sorter

Zero proof alcohol

Reuseable ice cubes

See-through toilet tissue

Skinless bananas

Do-it-yourself road map

Turnip ice cream

Toe implants

An all white flag

Rolls Royce pickup truck

********

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

********

Q: What do a bleached blonde and a 747 have in common?
A: They both have little Black Boxes.
Q: Why don't blondes water ski?
A: Because they lie down as soon as their crotches get wet.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: If you slap a mosquito, it'll stop sucking.
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
Q: What do you call a bleached blonde standing on her head?
A: A brunette with bad breath!
Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes?
A: Cos they go and answer the fucking door.
Q: How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?
A: She can't find her pencil and her tampon is behind her ear!
Q: How is a blonde different than a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
Q: Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?
A: The blonde - she is eighteen.
Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q: Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than he gave horses?
A: So they wouldn't shit during the parade.

 

[melody]

A guy goes into a whorehouse and says: "What have you got for ten bucks?"
"Go upstairs to the attic," says the Madam, "there's a girl up there for you."
The man goes up to the attic. He can barely see a girl lying there in the darkness. He climbs on top of her and starts fucking. Then, to his disgust, he notices some kind of slimy gunk coming out of her mouth and nose.
The man runs downstairs and says: "I want my money back! That girl is sick or something! She's got something coming out of her nose and her mouth!"
"Oh, sir, I'm so sorry! Here's your money back," says the madam, handing the man his ten bucks. After he leaves, she calls over her assistant. "Listen," she says. "You'd better go to the morgue and steal another stiff. The one in the attic is full."
________

A girl and a boy were at the back of the movie theater, kissing passionately.
When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum."
The girl replies,"It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".
________

Your mama's so fat . . .
She pulled her panties down to her ankles and she still had cunt in them!
________

Two necrophiliacs are walking down the street when they pass a funeral home. One turns to the other and says:
"Hey, you wanna go in for a couple of cold ones?"
________

Little Suzie is sitting in a barber shop, eating a Hostess snack cake while the barber cuts her hair.
A customer passes by and says, "Sweetheart, you're getting hair on your Twinkie."
Little Suzie looks up with a big smile and said, "I know, and I'm getting tits, too!"
________

A father was discussing the "birds and the bees" with his son. He asked his son if he had any questions.
"Dad, what do a woman's private parts look like?"
The father thought for a moment and said: "son, before sex it looks like the softest petal on the most beautiful pink rose."
"What about after sex?"
The father thought a little longer: "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaisse?"

 

[melody]

Yo Mama's So Fat...

Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.
Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has friends come help.
Yo mama's so fat, I've got to tell two snaps just to cover her fat ass.
Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, and thigh!
Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's in feet.
Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.
Yo mama's so fat, she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn't change.
Yo mama's so fat, when she dances, she makes the band skip.
Yo mama's so fat, when she walks across the living room, the radio skips.
Yo mama's so fat, when she played hide-n-go-seek, she hid behind a water tower.
Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real.
Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Jordache jeans is real.
Yo mama's so fat, she's not kidding when she says "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!"
Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she says "Trick or meatloaf!"
Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she trick or treats two houses at a time.
Yo mama's so fat, when she opens the refrigerator, it says "I give up!"
Yo mama's so fat, when she opens the refrigerator, it says "Uncle!"
Yo mama's so fat, Fat Albert gave her the rights to say "Hey, hey, hey!"
Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gave her a dinosaur.
Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gave her the key to the store.
Yo mama's so fat, when she went to Burger King and asked for a Whopper, they gave her the sign.
Yo mama's so fat, when she works at the movie theater, she works as the screen.
Yo mama's so fat, when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at the radio station.
Yo mama's so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.
Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say:
"Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"
Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to put her picture on the milk truck.
Yo mama's so fat, you can't even see her legs, it just looks like she's gliding across the floor.
Yo mama's so fat, instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's.
Yo mama's so fat, instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load.
Yo mama's so fat, she was in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade... wearing ropes.
Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
Yo mama's so fat, she don't wear a G-String, she wears an A, B, C, D, E, F, G-String.
Yo mama's so fat, she fills up the bath tub, and then she turns on the water.
Yo mama's so fat, she uses diet soap.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to use a lawn chair instead of a Thigh Master.

 

[melody]

A hooker had just finished with a client, and being an advocate of safe sex, she took off the guys condom and tossed it out the window. She looks out the window to see a little boy pick up the condom, and thinking that he really shouldn't be playing with it, she rushed down the stairs.
"Little boy, I'll give you $1 for that Twinkie, okay?" The little boy says, "Sure!"
The boy gets home and his mom asks him what he did at school that day. "Nothing, really. But a nice lady gave me $1 for a Twinkie, and I'd already eaten the cream out of the middle!"
___________

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his arse.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your arse?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out.
He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No shit!"
___________

A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load
in your ear?"

The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!"

To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your
mouth for the last 20 years and you're still talking aren't you?"
___________

Q: How do you know when your getting old?
A: Your dreams are dry & your farts are wet.

Q. What's better than hugging a doggie?
A. Kissing a pussy

Q: Why were lesbians invented?
A: So radical feminists wouldn't breed.

Q: What's the worst thing about growing unemployment?
A: It gets harder to screw your girlfriend with her husband home.
___________

"I had to go to analysis. They told me I had an unresolved Oedipus
complex. Which, according to them, meant I want to sleep with
my mother. Which is preposterous. My father doesn't even want to
sleep with my mother."

 

[melody]

A Long Journey

This guy jumps on a train and is going on a long journey to a city.
Anyway he sits down next to this old lady who is holding this jar full
of oysters.

The train speeds off, and during the journey the guy starts to get a
bit hungry and is starting to eye off the jar full of oysters. He is
just about to give up on the idea of asking the granny for some of her
oysters when she falls asleep. The guy sees his chance, and waits for
the best opportunity to grab the jar off the granny.

The train flies into a tunnel, the guy grabs the jar carefully off the
granny. He opens the jar and drinks down some of the oysters. They taste
a bit funny but it settles his hunger a bit. He carefully puts the jar
back in the grannies hand, and she keeps on sleeping not noticing a thing.

The guy settles back for an hour, until he started getting hungry again.
The old lady is still asleep, and he sees no problem in eating more of
her oysters. So he slyly grabs the jar off her, and drinks down the rest
of its contents. He throws the jar out the window, thinking "what the hey,
she'll probably forget that she had the jar of oysters".

Ten minutes later the old lady wakes up and starts coughing. A very
violent cough. She looks around, and finally says in a rough voice,
"Okay, who stole my phlem jar?".

====================

May your bleeding piles torment you
And corns grow on your feet
And crabs the size of horse turds
Get on your balls and eat
And when you're old and feeble
A syphilitic wreck
May your head fall through your asshole
And break your fucking neck

====================

Q: What is the definition of Gross?
A1: Kissing your grandmother and she slips you the tongue.
A2: Biting into a hot dog and it has veins.
A3: When you throw your undies at the wall, and they stick.
A4: You're sitting on you grandfather's lap and he pop a boner.
A5: Your little brother has lost his scab collection and you're
eating his corn flakes.
A6: Finding a string in your bloody mary.

 

[melody]

Ten Things You Should Never Say To A Woman During An Argument:

1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

2. Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.

3. You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.

4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it

5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?

6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

7. Whoa, time out. Football is on.

8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!

9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

~~~~~~~~

The businessman spent a good half an hour in the hotel lounge
bragging to the hooker about how big his dick was. Finally she
suggested they retire to his room and check it out, and he
willingly agreed.

The guy stripped off his clothes, jumped on top of the hooker,
entered her, and said triumphantly, "Why don't you open your
mouth, baby, so I can see the end of my prick?"

"Open my mouth?" scoffed the hooker. "Why don't you wiggle your
ass so I can feel it?"

~~~~~~~~

Young Amy likes lifting her dress,
And removing her panties to press
In a manner obscene
'Gainst the washing machine
To relieve all her work-a-day stress.

 

[melody]

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

~~~~~~~~

One day God is walking through the Garden of Eden and sees Adam standing
in front of the fountain of life sticking his head down into the water.

God says, "Adam, what are you doing?"

Adam says, "Lord I'm gargling."

God says, "I can see that Adam but why are you doing it?"

Adam explains, "Well Lord Eve and I just got through having oral sex and
I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth. You don't mind do you?"

God thought for a moment and said, "I guess not Adam but it's going to
take forever to get the smell out of the fish."

~~~~~~~~

One day Little Johnny asks his dad, "What's the difference between a
pussy and a cunt?"

Dad thought for a minute and said "Come with me."

He took Little Johnny to his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping
nude. "Son" he

whispered, "see that brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy."

Little Johnny asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?"

"No!" replied his father. "That might wake the cunt up."

~~~~~~~~

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and
squealing with
delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have
any idea how
ridiculous you look? What`s the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don`t
care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the
breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 65 year old
ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

 

[melody]

Myrddin And Aspazia

Myrddin and Aspazia are just married and decided to make love on their
wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. Aspazia did
not want to get pregnant and requested that myrddin buy a condom from
the shop nearby.

When Myrddin went out, Aspazia waited anxiously in the room with all
the lights switched off. Myrddin had a hard time looking for a shop that
sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had
only 20 cents. He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom and the
shop owner asked him which quality he wanted!.

"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each.
The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each.
And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."

So Myrddin took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.
While Myrddin was out, a black thief came into the room.
Aspazia did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She
grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. Aspazia was so
exhausted that she fell asleep immediately. When Myrddin reached the
hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his
wife, mounted her and started fucking her vigourously. Apazia was
surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed
the session.

A year later, Aspazia gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby
grew up, he asked his father. "Papa, why am I black and you are
white?" Myrddin shouted " You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would
have been PURPLE."

o0o0o0o0o0

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....
I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire
room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".
No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"....
Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'.
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short".
What the hell?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone ! asks "Has the bus
come yet?".
If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass?

 

[melody]

Another Episode Of Myrddin And Jill

Myrddin and Jill are riding next to each other in first class on a
plane.
Jill sneezes,then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
Myrddin isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably
hallucinating.
Few minutes pass. Jill sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes
it between her legs. Myrddin is about to go nuts. He can't believe
that he's seeing what he's seeing.
A few more minutes pass. She sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and

gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
Myrddin has finally had all he can handle. He turns to Jill and says,
"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your
legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying
to drive me crazy?"
Jill replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare
condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
Myrddin now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for
it?"
She looks at him and says, "Pepper."

~~~~~~~~

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

 

[melody]

A horny young woman named Kate,
Had hoped for a really hot date.
But despite lots of kissing,
His erection was missing;
So next time she'll just masturbate.


His dick is most surely a dilly,
A grand and marvelous Willie.
His gal loves to give head,
But most often instead;
He ends by just screwing her silly.

~~~~~

Life is like a dick, when it gets hard, fuck it!

~~~~~

A priest gets a flat tire fixed. As the car's coming down on the lift,
he says to the mechanic, "Are the lug nuts tight?"

The mechanic says, "Tight as a nun's cunt."

The priest says, "Well, you better give them another turn, then."

~~~~~

Dear Dr Ruth,

I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been
married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He wants
sex regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes,
Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know
if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd funothel gothsl
ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'cinsely
ous mdyl isnt';dk~0................

~~~~~

DID YOU KNOW...Frozen shrimp left sitting out for about 3 days in a
small
inclosed area tends to smell like the vagina of an 80 year old
hooker?????????????

~~~~~

Q: What is the definition of suspicious??
A: A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch.

~~~~~

A blonde decided to commit suicide. So, she thought being hit by
a train would not be that bad. She lay with her legs spread
over the railway line. The next day in the paper it read:

Train disappeared
Reward offered

~~~~~

Two hookers were on a street corner.
They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be

a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her
and said, "No, I just burped."

 

[melody]

Jokes For January, 2009

Jan. 1
With my wife there's always something. The other night I had a fight with the dog. My wife said the dog was right. And she told me this right in front of the dog. Now the dog has no respect. My wife throws the ball, he waits for me to bring it back.
Jan. 2
When I was a kid, I was poor. I never got an x-ray. My old man would hold me up to the light.

Jan. 3
My wife's a bad cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth, I count them. I leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.

Jan. 4
Before I got married, my wife told me, "Don't talk about sex until we get married." We got married and she told me, "Now you can talk about it all you want."

Jan. 5
I tell ya, nothin' goes right. I bought a Japanese car. I turn on the radio. I don't understand a word they're sayin'.

Jan. 6
I tell ya, cleanliness, that's what's important. But some people are too clean. Like my uncle Louie. He used to take five showers a day, four baths a day. And when he died, as a tribute to my uncle's cleanliness, the entire funeral procession went through a carwash.
Jan. 7
I tell ya, my wife is never nice. She won a trip to Las Vegas for two. She went twice.

Jan. 8
I tell ya, nothin goes right. I went into a gay bar. They asked for proof of sex. I showed them proof. They said it wasn't enough.

Jan. 9
The other day I told my wife, "I lost my wallet, I'm very depressed." She said, "That makes two of you. You and the guy who found it."

Jan. 10
You don't know who to trust anymore. I got my car fixed. The guy gave me an estimate for a hundred dollars. When I got the bill, it was two hundred dollars. I said to him, "How about the estimate for a hundred dollars?" He says, "You're right, I forgot, that makes it three hundred dollars."

Jan. 11
My wife, she told me to go to hell. I told her, "You're too late. I'm already there."

Jan. 12
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

Jan. 13
With my wife, nothing is wasted. When the cuffs wear out in my shirt, it becomes a short-sleeved shirt. When the collar goes, it becomes a pajama top. Right now I've got 44 short-sleeved pajama tops. Sometimes, when I've got nothin' to do, I sit around the house and change pajama tops...

Jan. 14
When I got married, I found out that the wife's clothes go on the wooden hangers and the husband's clothes go on the wire hangers. And when she needs more hangers, she picks out some of my clothes that look like they don't deserve to be hung up.

Jan. 16
When you get married, you learn of lot of things. I learned that the husband's closet never comes with the apartment. He gets six screws and easy instructions. A child can put it together. I went around the whole neighborhood looking for a child. I couldn't put it together.

Jan. 17
The girl was ugly. When she walks in the room, mice jump on chairs. I mean ugly. I took her to a dog show. She won.

Jan. 18
I tell ya, my wife, she's a strict vegetarian. In fact, when I met her she was grazing on the front lawn.

Jan. 15
I mean we have trouble over nothin' sometimes. Like the other day she was singing. She was saying, "Hello, young lovers, whoever you are." I had nothing to do. I figured I'd sing too. I said, "I've been in love before." She said, "I'm singing." I said, "I wanna sing too." She said, "All right, you sing. When you're finished, then I'll sing." I said, "O.K., I'll sing." I went, "Hello, young lover...." She said, "Not that song! That's my song\" Oh, we have a very adult relationship going.

Jan. 19
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

Jan. 20
I'll tell ya, my wife, she keeps me in line. No matter how many guys are ahead of me.

Jan. 21
See, the trouble with me, is my sex life is on hold, and I got no one to hold it!

Jan. 22
I'm gettin' old, I got no sex life. I get tired just holding up the magazine.

Jan. 23
I'm not a kid anymore, I'm gettin' older. Why, at my age, if I bend down to tie my shoelaces, I try to think of other things to do while I'm down there.

Jan. 24
I tell ya, I drink too much. Way too much. When my doctor drew blood, he ran a tab!

Jan. 25
I saw my doctor. He told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

Jan. 26
I don't get no respect. The time my family played hide-n-seek, they found my mother in Pittsburgh.

Jan. 27
What a childhood I had! When I took my first step, my old man tripped me.

Jan. 28
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect, no respect at all. When I was a kid, when my parents went shopping, they always took me with them. That way, they could park in the handicapped section.

Jan. 29
I tell ya, I'm not a sexy guy. I was a centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything.

Jan. 30
I tell ya, my whole life I've been practicing safe sex. In fact, I'd like to thank all the girls who turned me down.

Jan. 31
I tell ya, my favorite girls are the ones who wear eyeglasses. When you take 'em home you breathe heavy, they don't know what the hell you're doing.

 

[melody]

Performance Evaluations

These are allegedly actual quotes taken from Federal Government
employee performance evaluations, some old and some new.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

 

[melody]

Cyber Sex
(Keeper)

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared
through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see
below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an
online chat
doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he
does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are
36-24-36.
What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on
a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from WalMart. I'm also wearing a
T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells
funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your
eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to
fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk
slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and
rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My
soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's
stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my
breasts. My
nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm
nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with
a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's
the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked
bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for
the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look
on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture
frames
and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of
our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at
it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: (logged off)

 

[melody]

Perverted Q & A Jokes

Q: How many cocksuckers does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: "Shut up and keep sucking; you can change the damned
thing once I've cum."

Q: What is the best birth control method for really-old
seniors?
A: NUDITY

Q: What does a rattlesnakes and a rubber have in common?
A: I know I don't fuck with either one of them.

Q: Why is a joke like a pussy?
A: Neither is any fun if you don't get it.

Q: How does one discern between "Herpes" and "Aids" ?
A: One is a love story the other a fairy tale.

Q: What's a birth control pill?
A: The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to keep
from becoming pregnant.

Q: Why do brunettes always wear training bras?
A: It's cheaper than changing their bandaids every day!

Q: Why don't blacks like going to country dances??
A: Because when they hear there's a "hoe down" they think
their sister got shot.

Q: Why can't you get a good blow job in India?
A: All those cocksuckers are over here in America.

Q: What's the difference between a hunting dog and a
gay guy?
A: A hunting dog sics ducks.

Q: What does a girl from a trailer park and a bear have
in common?
A: They both lick their paws.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulemic bachelor
party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: Why do Country/Western singers have brown noses?
A: They've been looking for love in all the wrong places.

Q: Why are dicks like fishing?
A: You throw away the small ones...you eat the medium
ones and you mount the really big ones

Q: Whats the Fastest speed of sex ?
A: 68, because when you hit 69 you eat it.

Q: Why do sexy hunks have bad memories?
A: Umm... err... I forgot.

Q: If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom
and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the
bathroom....what are you WHILE you are in the
bathroom?
A: EUROPEAN... of course!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant
with a prostitute?
A: A two-ton pickup.

Q: What is the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow and gargle.

Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick

Q: How do you get a really old, skanky whore lubricated?
A: Stick in a couple of fingers, scratch off some scabs, and let the pus run.

Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper?
A: They're both looking for dead beaver.

Q: How does a gay guy fake an orgasm?
A: Stands behind his partner and throws warm yogurt on his back.

Q: What's the definition of gross?
A: Licking the sweat off your grandpa's back as you fuck him in the ass.

Q: What's gross?
A: When you're eating cornflakes, and your brother asks what happened to his scab collection.

Q: Whats the definition of disgusting?
A: Stuffing a dozen oysters into your granny's cunt and sucking out thirteen.