JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Little Max has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet
like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the
rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and Max lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Max hopping round the room clutching his
genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face
and sniffles,"K k k kiss (sniff) it better."
Little Max's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"

 

[DarkAccoon]

looseand,


u may not know it since u are new,

Melody is our source of entertainment
FOR ALL THOSE WHO COMES INTO THIS THREAD FOR A HECK OF A GOOD LAUGH, PLEASE VOICE IT OUT.

else looseand may just shoo away melody for us.

 

[loose_end]

looseand,


u may not know it since u are new,

Melody is our source of entertainment
FOR ALL THOSE WHO COMES INTO THIS THREAD FOR A HECK OF A GOOD LAUGH, PLEASE VOICE IT OUT.

else looseand may just shoo away melody for us.

Yeah , hey , not shooing melody lah..just want someone to give some replies to her or to the thread mah..In addition , melody won't feel lonely mah as she love to tune melodies....Sorry if I had interrupted..

Bump: One more question , erm , Melody , you create all this jokes yourself ??

 

[melody]

looseand,


u may not know it since u are new,

Melody is our source of entertainment
FOR ALL THOSE WHO COMES INTO THIS THREAD FOR A HECK OF A GOOD LAUGH, PLEASE VOICE IT OUT.

else looseand may just shoo away melody for us.

TQVM DarkAccoon!
Appreciate..

Yeah , hey , not shooing melody lah..just want someone to give some replies to her or to the thread mah..In addition , melody won't feel lonely mah as she love to tune melodies....Sorry if I had interrupted..

Bump: One more question , erm , Melody , you create all this jokes yourself ??

Aint an author but a Sassytary..
Wish i could write all those 'jokes' le..

 

[melody]

Pete walks into a store.
He says to the salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper."
She says, "What color?"
He says, "Give me white. I'll color it myself."

=====

A bloke and his date were getting into some heavy romancing
when she said to him," I think you just lost your gum." he
replied, "No I didn't, I just cleared my throat."

=====

> A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home,and they start getting it on.
> He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out.
> He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?" She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil."

=====

You know how your Mommy used to kiss you good night?
Think about it . . . she might have just finished giving Daddy a
blow job . .

Yo' mama's so fat that after I fucked her I rolled over twice and
I was still on the bitch.

I used to be a necrophiliac, but the rotten bitch split on me

=====

Two morticians are sitting around at the end of the day:
"Did you see that cute redhead they brought in yesterday?"
"Yeah, she was really something!"
"Did you see the clit on that girl?"
"Yeah, it was like a pickle!"
"Well, it wasn't that big . . ."
"No, but it was that sour!"

 

[loose_end]

TQVM DarkAccoon!
Appreciate..



Aint an author but a Sassytary..
Wish i could write all those 'jokes' le..

Oh okay , sorry..byebye..

 

[melody]

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him a gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce. "You too?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?" "My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply. "What a coincidence -- MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex..." "Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore this kinkiness together?" He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another's house because of their pending divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come... "Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zip come down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened. "Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkiness here!" she complained. "We did!", he says, "I just crapped in your handbag!"

 

[melody]

Dog Food

Every week at the grocery store Mary and Ellen, two old friends, would cross shopping carts.
One day one Mary notices a package of dog food in Ellen's cart and comments, "I didn't know you had a dog."
"I don't," says Ellen, "I give it to my husband, Henry. It's less expensive than ground meat and he doesn't know the difference. Besides, he loves the stuff."
"You're going to kill him if you continue to feed him dog food," Mary warns.
"Nah, he can't get enough of it," Ellen responds.
Two weeks later they cross paths in the grocery store again and Mary notices two large bags of dog food in Ellen's shopping cart.
"I see you're still buying dog food," Mary shouts. "Mark my words, you're going to kill Henry if you keep feeding that stuff to him."
"No way," says Ellen, "I simply mix it with a little water. It makes a nice gravy and he eats more than ever before. He doesn't know the difference and he really loves it."
Four weeks go by when they meet in the same aisle of the grocery store. This time Mary notices there is no longer any dog food in the cart.
"I see you're not buying Henry dog food any longer?" Mary inquires, "did he finally wise up?"
"No, unfortunately, Henry passed away last week," Ellen responds.
"I told you that damn dog food was going to kill Henry," Mary gleams.
"Oh, no, it wasn't that," Ellen answers. "He was run over in the middle of the street while licking his balls."

 

[melody]

Raunchy Shorties

DEAR MADAM:
THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS WEBSITE. YOU'VE REQUESTED THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.
PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM.
THAT'S OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

~~~~~

Q: What's the definition of a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.

~~~~~

What are the 2 most important holes on a women?
Her nostrils, so that she can breathe while giving a blowjob.

~~~~~

A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and says
"Hey, baby...want to sit on my face?"
She says "Why would I? Is your nose bigger then your cock?"

~~~~~

When I was fucking this girl last night, she called out my brother's name instead of mine, what did I expect though, they'd been married 20 years.

~~~~~

I keep having my profile on match.com rejected.
One of the profile questions was 'What do you want in a woman?' and the answer 'my cock' is unacceptable apparently!

~~~~~

What does it mean to come home to love tenderness compassion understanding and great sex?
It means you're in the wrong fucking house.

~~~~~

Last night my girlfriend pushed me onto the bed.
I lay helpless as she tied my hands and blindfolded me, then smeared chocolate spread over my hardening cock and swallowed me, inch by inch, deep into her throat.
And I thought Oh my God. She's turning into her mother.

~~~~~

My wife's back on the bottle. She said fisting just wasn't the same.

~~~~~

Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?"
"I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered, "undress you, lick you from head to toe, and make love to you until morning."
"Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that, just from two hellos?"

~~~~~

John and Mike are in bed together and John is fucking Mike hard in the arse without a condom when he says 'I've got AIDS.'
Mike shudders and says, 'Have you?!?!'
To this John replies 'No, not really, I just like the way your arse tightens up when I say it.'

 

[melody]

Parenting FAQ's

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, generally 35 children are enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant
woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good
for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel
during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room
while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her
plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to
feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

 

[melody]

There was an auto race from San Francisco to Miami between a car
load of fags and a car load of lesbians. Who arrived in Miami first?

The lesbians did. They "headed" down highway 69 doing lickitty split
while the fags were still in San Francisco packing their shit!

=====

Q: What is the most popular pickup line in a gay bar?

A: Hey big guy, would you like me to push up your stool?

Q: What's worse than your best friend telling you that he's a faggot?
A: When he tells you that he fucked you that night you passed out drunk
....on his couch!

=====

A faggot rushes into the emergency room. He is screaming and after an examination the doctors determine the problem. He has a vibrator stuck up his arse.

"Mr. Stevens," says the doctor, "I have good news and bad news. We are going to be able to remove the item however..."

"NO, NO!" screams the fag. "I don't want it removed, I just want to know how to change the batteries!"

=====

Q: What's the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?
A: At a straight rodeo, everybody yells, "ride them suckers!"

Q: How can you tell if a bank robber is gay?
A: He ties up the safe and blows the guard.

Q: What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A: A fruit stand!

=====

Steve and Elton, a pair of homosexual lovers, went hiking.

Steve ducked behind a bush when he felt nature calling.

Suddenly he cried out, "How terrible! I miscarried! I miscarried! Here is a little arm! There is a little leg! This is so awful!"

"Shut up, you fucking idiot!" Elton scolded. "You just shit on a frog!"

 

[melody]

The Relationship With Your Wife/Girlfriend Is Over When ...

She puts your dinner on the floor in the Rover Dish.

The milkman is wearing your bathrobe.

You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show.

She starts every sentence with the words ...
"To whom it may concern."

Your mail comes addressed to "Current Resident."

The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit.

Her mother looks at you and starts laughing.

You are urged to stir your coffee "very well," before drinking it.

Your favorite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet.

All of your shirts have a target painted on them.

People are already referring to her as the "widow."

You come home and all that is left of the house is the foundation.

Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads ...
"Joe's Place."

o0o0o0o0o0

Bought myself the latest in car stereo's. You shout "soul", it plays
soul. You shout "rock", it plays rock. You shout "church", it plays
gospel.

The other day some kids ran in front of my car and I shouted "Fucking
Kids"

It played Michael Jackson.

o0o0o0o0o0

Roses are red, violets are blue...
I'm in love but not with you...
When we broke up you thought I cried
But all it was...
Was another guy,
You told your friends that I was a trick,
I told mine that you had a weak dick...
I said I loved you
And you thought it was true,
But guess what baby?!
You got played too!!

 

[melody]

One Liners

My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call.
(pause) He said, "Did I call you or did you call me?"

Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Mom's have Mother's Day, father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

There's no business like show business, but there's no job like a blowjob.

What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitutes for meat.

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!

Have you heard about that blind hooker?
You've gotta hand it to her!

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, but you come in one, and go in the other!

What do you call a ninety-year- old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.

What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!

When does a cub become a boy scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

What is the definition of wicker box?
It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon.
That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

What's "68"?
You do me and I owe you one.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.

Define "Egghead "
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.

 

[melody]

So this guy goes out looking for the skankiest, sleaziest whore he can find, because he wants a REALLY kinky experience. So he finds one and takes her up to a cheap motel room.
He gets down between her legs to go down on her and to his delight, there is a septic boil between her pussy and her asshole. He starts sucking the puss out of it.
After about 10 minutes she exclaims: "I have to piss."
"It's okay," he answers, "piss on me." So she does, and he drinks it, letting some dribble down his chin.
A little later she says "Sorry, but I have diarrhea -- I really have to go."
"It's okay," he answers, "do it on me." So she does, and he lets it go all over his mouth and face, and smears it all over himself, and swallows some of it.
So he's REALLY into it, licking the shit and piss and pus off her pussy and ass, when he glances up and notices she's picking her nose. He jumps up and shouts:
"What are you trying to DO, bitch?! Gross me out?!"

~~~~~~~~

A miner comes out of the bush camp after several months of very hard work. When he gets to town, he decides to go to the local whorehouse so as to unload some pent up frustrations. He picks out a whore, takes her to her room, and she gives him a skillful blow-job. When she's done, she reaches under the bed, pulls out a big mason jar and spits his wad into it.
"What the hell is THAT for?" he asks.
"Well", she says..."Me and my girlfriend have a running contest. Whoever has more at the end of the week...gets to drink both."

~~~~~~~~

A doctor goes to his office one monday and is shocked to find that it has been ransacked and the files have all been mixed up. He sees the file for Mrs. Smith, but her chart is mixed up with some of the others and he can't tell which is which. He finally narrows it down to two charts, and he decides to call her house. Mr. Smith answers the phone.
"Mr. Smith, this is Dr. Jenkins. I have bad news. Your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease -- I don't know which.
"Well, what should I do?" asks a distraught Mr. Smith.
"Drop her off at the edge of town," says the doctor, "and if she finds her way back, DON'T FUCK HER!"

 

[melody]

Bar Jokes

A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're not going to believe this, but I've got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She's wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she won't know you're not me!" His friend agrees and goes out to his car. They climb into the back seat and start going at it. A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside. "What the hell do you two think you're doing?" The guy says, "Oh, there's nothing wrong, she's my wife." The cop says, "Oh, sorry, I didn't know." The guy says "Neither did I until you shined that light in here."

====

A guy walks up to a woman in a bar and asks, "Can I smell your pussy?"
Offended, the woman says, "NO!!"
The man replies, "Then it must be your feet."

====

A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of tequila. The bartender asks, "Why so many buddy?" The man replies, "I'm celebrating my first blow job". The bartender says, "Well hell, congratulations, I will give you one on the house for free." The man says, "No thank you, if the first 6 shots don't get the taste out of my mouth one more won't make a difference."

=====

A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front. He goes around the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the ass of the other.
"So, what's going on here?", the cop asks.
The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."
The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!"
The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"

====

Three guys are having a drink at the bar when a drunk comes stumbling in off the street. The drunk points at the tallest guy in the middle and exclaims in a loud voice, "Hey you! I screwed your mother rotten last night!" The guy in the middle shrugs and continues his conversation with his friends. Frustrated by the lack of response, the drunk stumbles back into the street. A few minutes later the drunk stumbles into the same bar, points a grimy finger at the same guy and yells, "Did you hear me, asshole?! I said I fucked your mother last night and she was great!". Finally, the tall guy in middle responds, "I know dad! I heard you the first time now go home!"

====

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, "Where do you live?".
Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, "Hello, I've brought your husband home."
The wife looks at the man and asks, "Where's his wheel chair?"

 

[melody]

Murphy's Laws On Sex

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you,
the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's
offered take it,because it'll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes
the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what
people think you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches
you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and
minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she
usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a
man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

********

Holy mother, full of grace Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him safe from all the girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Keep his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one i sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fucked
And if my Mom happened to walk in
Bless the shit I'd be in.

 

[melody]

Male Instructional Guide For Relationships

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e., relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.


Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm?
A: Call her and tell her where you are.

Q: Why don't women have brains?
A: They don't have a cock to keep them in!

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

Q: Why do women have orgasms?

A: It gives them another reason to moan.

 

[ham_m2]

Guess i have more 'juicy' stuff..
& 'Sharing Is Caring' mah..

i agree with u mel...sharing is caring...u make me feel happy this early morning...

 

[melody]

Mongolian VD

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very
sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time..

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to
find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having
seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got
bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have
to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but
surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes,
Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta,
always want to cut, cut, cut, Make more money, that way. No need to
opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Save money. You wait two
weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"

********

I like your style
I like your class
but most of all i like your ass

~~~

I'm a cool girl, in a cool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down
~~~
Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.
~~~
Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.

 

[melody]

Male Bashing!

Why don't men wear tight underwear?
It cuts off circulation to the brain!

Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh."

Why are vibrators better than men?
Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don't have to do their laundry!

Why do men die before their wives?
They should.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

How does a man keep his youth?
By giving them money, furs and diamonds.

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.

What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Why are hangovers better than men?
Hangovers will go away.

How are men and batteries different?
Batteries have a positive side.

Why is virginity like a balloon?
All it takes is one small prick and it's gone.

What is the difference between garbage and men?
Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.

Why are men like strawberries?
Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten.

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.

Why is ****** like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

How do you confuse a man?
You don't have to - they're born that way

Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?
Because they dribble before they shoot.

What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority