JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

Q. What do you call a Nazi tampon?
A. A twatztika.

Q, Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his viagra?
A. So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the ass.

Q. What does a woman say to a man who she has just had sex with?
A. Say whatever she wants... he's asleep.
 
Kathi: So this guy strolled over to me at the party, all cocky and sure
of himself.
Lisa: Yeah? So what happened?
Kathi: He said, "You know, gentlemen prefer blondes." I said, "Well, if
you could see my pubic hair, you'd know I'm not a natural blonde."
He said, "If I could see your pubic hair, I wouldn't care WHAT color the
hair on your head is!”
 
Applying for a Job at the CIA

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
 
Mary had a little skirt

Split right up the sides

And every time she wore that skirt

The boys could see her thighs

She also had another skirt

Split right up the front

But she never wore that skirt

Because you could see her cunt
 
Measure Your DillyWacker

Using the keyboard to measure your DillyWhacker


1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).

2. Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is ``1234567890-+'' the backspace key removes the .)

3. Place a copy of the June, 2008 Playboy open to the centerfold at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test.

Cautions
1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.

2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard, or place two keyboards end to end.

3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first.

4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT. Test can also be used to diagnose some genital disorders.

Test Results Diagnosis
1 -- You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome

12367 -- You have a strange gap in your penis

12efgbn -- Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.

12wgui,l=]\ -- Seek immediate medical care.
 
Farmer Johnson is whipping and slapping his sheep when
around the corner comes the local minister.

The minister gently says, "My goodness, Farmer Johnson, you're
certainly giving that sheep quite a beating. You wouldn't
do that to your wife, would you now?"

The farmer disgustedly retorts, "I would if she farted and
jumped sideways every time I tried to fuck her!"
 
The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call
in the middle of the night.
Please, you have to come right over,"
pleaded the distraught mother.
"My child has swallowed a contraceptive."
The physician dressed quickly,
but before he could get out the door,
the phone rang again.
You don't have to come over after all,"
the woman said with a sigh of relief.
"My husband just found another one."
 
Miss Annabell

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."
 
Air force one and the farmer

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff.

To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's actor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realize that is the President of the United States' airplane?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped. "Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting of his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning." "The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief. "Yep, he kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is!"
 
Long Live Bachelors!

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life !! -Anonymous


Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. -Oscar Wilde


Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. -Scottish Proverb
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. -Sam Kinison


Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. -H. L. Mencken


When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a tenyear married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.


Love is blind but marriage is an eyeopener.


When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.


I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always. -Anonymous


I asked my wife, " Where do you want to go for our anniversary ?" She said," Somewhere I have never been !" I told her, " How about the kitchen ?" -Anonymous
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate. -Anonymous
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. -Anonymous


She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in." -Anonymous


Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married. He says "the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs....."


A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"


The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first? The Dog of course... At least he'll shut up after u let him in! -Anonymous


A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin.


The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled " It really works ! "
 
Ladies will hate this (sorry)

Q) What is the difference between
women and puppies?

A: Puppies grow up.

________________________________________________________

Q) Why do women always have a stupid look on their faces?

A): Because they are...

______________________________________________________

Q) What do women have in common
with ceramic tiles?

A): Fix them properly once and you can walk
all over them forever.

__________________________________________________________

Q) If you drop a women and a brick out of a plane,
which one would hit the ground first?

A): Who cares?????.. ...
_________________________________________________________

Q) What did God say after he created woman?

A): I can do better than this! And then he created man

________________________________________________________

Q) What's the difference between an intelligent
woman & a UFO ?

A):I don't know, I've never seen either.

__________________________________________________________

Q) What are two reasons why women
don't mind their own business?

A): i) no mind ii) no business

_______________________________________________________

Q) What makes women chase men when
they have no intention of marrying?

A): The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles
when they have no intention of driving .
 
Virgin Men/Married Men Should read

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
_________________________________________________________


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
__________________________________________________________


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
___________________________________________________________


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
___________________________________________________________


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
___________________________________________________________


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
___________________________________________________________


'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
___________________________________________________________


'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
____________________________________________________________


'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
________________________________________________________

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
__________________________________________________________


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once...
___________________________________________________________


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
_________________________________________________________


My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

__________________________________________________________


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
__________________________________________________________


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
__________________________________________________________


First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
 
What is the difference between
Bomb & Condom

A Bomb

and

A Condom
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
When a Bomb blasts population decreases.

When a Condom blasts population increases.
 
Two Lips

Why does a women have a two pair of lips ??????

A: One is for fighiting, other one is to make up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Slept with my wife????

Banta: Did you have a chance to sleep with my wife yet ???

Santa: What are you saying, I would never ever thing about this !!!

Banta: Well. You might want to. She is much better then yours !!!!!!!!!
 
Dentist Advice to young boys:

Never share your girlfriend/toothbrush with others

For better results change every three months !!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Married & Un-married women !!!

If a married women is called "Polo" the mint with a hole


then


what a un married women is called


CENTER FRESH
 
Precaution

As for precaution 65% of women carries condoms ????????

but

what the balance 35% carries ?????????????????

Think

Think

Think

Think

Think

BABIES
 
Defination of Old Age

Q: What is the defination of Old age ??

A: When it takes the whole night to do
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
what you use to do the whole night !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
types of girls (computer)

Screen saver Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

Server Girls:
Always busy when you need her.

Multimedia Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.

Email Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

Virus Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.
 

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