JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

First Time

Greg pulled over the car by the side of the road and
showed Gary where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day
plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much
in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
Greg recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Gary.

"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was
standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you
making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaaaa."

 

[melody]

Questions That Needed to be Answered!

Why do men fall asleep immediately after sex?
So women can masturbate and finish the job off properly!

Why do men always pay more for car insurance?
Women don't get blow jobs while they're behind the wheel.

What's the definition of a bastard?
A man who bonks you all night with a 2 inch penis,
then kisses you good-bye with a 12 inch tongue.

Why are men like bagpipes?
You won't get anything unless you blow them first.

What are Man's two emotions?
Hungry and Horny ... If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich.

 

[melody]

The RIGHT (R) and WRONG (W) things to say to a man after sex:

R: You're the one
W: Next.

R: You really know how to satisfy a woman.
W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane or something?

R: You're the best I've ever had.
W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl.

R: What color are your eyes?
W: What color do you want to paint the baby's room?

R: You make me forget my problems.
W: You make me forget I'm just 15.

R: I think we should go away for the weekend.
W: I think we should go to the clinic.

R: I love you.
W: I love you.

 

[melody]

Jerry Springer's Future Stories

If you like watching your Dad and Mom have sex on their own website,
call 1-800-Jerry and tell your story!
~~
If your father's sister's mother's aunt's grandfather's nephew's cousin is
your bisexual lover and they want you to have sex while the family
watches, but you're against it ... Please Call 1-800-69-JERRY
~~
Are you a transsexual with a story to tell? Call Associate
Producer Deb at 888-321-5387
~~
IF YOUR MOM IS YOUR COUSIN, AUNT, UNCLE AND DAD AND YOU
HAVE THE URGE TO HAVE HER CHILDREN-CALL 1-800-JERRY AND
SHARE YOUR STORY.
~~
Does your college roommate beat off in the middle of the night
and you want to confront him call us at 1-800-Jerry.
~~
Are you a bald, one legged male prostitute, And want to confront
your one eyed pimp on our show? Call 1-800-JERRY
~~
Are you a schizophrenic necropheliac, and 3 different personalities
want to propose to your canine companion? Call 1-800-Jerry
~~
If your penis is 2 inches ... from the ground call 1-800-hi-Jerry
~~
Is your gay son using your douche to satisfy his gay needs??
If so call 1-800-89-Jerry
~~
Is your dad a cross-dressing pedophile? If so call 1-800-96jerry
~~
If your father is your mother's cousin and you are currently
having an affair with your sister (or is it your aunt?).
~~
Are you a pregnant prostitute who is in love with your pimp and his girlfriend
and want to confront them both on our show? Call 1-800-JERRY
~~
Is your gay lover having an affair with both your parents?
Then call 1-800-Jerry Jokes.
~~
If your Mom is thinking of becoming a man to satisfy your father's
gay curiosity, please call us at 1-800-Jerry jokes!!
~~
Is your Dad a Grand Dragon in the KKK, and you are having an interracial
sex affair? If so, call 1-800-Jerry and tell us your story!
~~
Do you suspect your wife or partner of having sexual relations with
the family pet? Call 1-800-Jerry and tell us your story!

 

[melody]

Bert And Mabel

Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was
beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. "Er,
Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?"
said Bert.

Mabel's answer as expected was, "No Bert, it's only 6 days to go,
however you can have a look at your prize."

The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort,
Mabel gives in and says, "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a
good fellow, I'll let you have a little feel of your prize."

It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly
contain himself. Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and
whispers in his ear, "I can see what your problem is but you've still got
4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize."

Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he
comes up for air, "Mabel, do you think it will keep 'til Saturday?!?"

 

[melody]

On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night
having wild sex with a Geisha Girl.

Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green,
festering sore growing on his Penis.

He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient
trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and
the only cure was complete amputation. Joe was horrified, and decided to
get a second opinion.

Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr. Smith
said "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right away"
Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an
oriental doctor.
They must deal with this all the time. He went to Dr. Chu Wong.

Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said "These
Amadican Doctors - so quick to Chop Chop chop" Amputation not necesally.

Joe was relieved. Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off
on its own.

 

[melody]

I fuck her low,
I fuck her high,
I fuck her wet, I fuck her dry,
And when she's dead and long forgotten,
I'll dig her up, and fuck her rotten!

 

[melody]

Two blacks and a Polack are walking down the street. One black
snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got the rhythm." The other
black snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got the rhythm."
The polack snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got this snot
on my finger!"

 

[melody]

Q. What's the difference between a girl and a toilet?
A. A toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load in it.

Q. How do you know if a woman is really hot for you?
A. When you put your hand down her pants, and it feels like you're
feeding a horse.

Q. Why are new girlfriends like a fresh roll of toilet paper?
A. Sometimes it's kind of hard to get the first piece, but after
that you can rip one off anytime!

Q. What's more disgusting than a love bite on a hemorrhoid?
A. The bloke that put it there!

Q. When do you know your girlfriend is spending too much time on
your face?
A. There's an imprint of her asshole on your chin.

 

[melody]

Safe Sex

* Wash hands thoroughly before fisting goat.

* Under no circumstances should you give CPR to a stranger.

* Pull out cat's teeth before pouring gravy over vagina.

* Stock up on free safe-sex pamphlets at local health clinic;
use them to make paper-mache genital wrap.

* Avoid talking to homosexuals at all costs.

 

[melody]

CLEAN AND STRESS RELIEVING HUMOUR
(Written by kids)


HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.


-- Alan, age 10


*********

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10


*********


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille, age 10


*********


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.


-- Derrick, age 8


*********


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.


-- Lori, age 8


*********

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?


Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.


-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)


*********


On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.


-- Martin, age 10


*********


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.


-- Craig, age 9


*********


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7 (smart girl)


*********

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.


- - Curt, age 7


*********

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.


-- Howard, age 8


*********


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.


-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


*********


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T G ET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8


*********


And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.

-- Ricky, age 10


*********

 

[melody]

If Airlines Were Based on Operating Systems (Computer Humor)

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.

They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece,

Arguing nonstop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.


***********

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on.


***********

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same.

Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.


***********

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth takeoff. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.


***********

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.


***********

Linux Air

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline.

They build the planes and ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves.

They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench, and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.HTML.

Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

 

[melody]

What happens?

What happens when a lion roars thrice?
-
-
-
-
-
Think
-
-
-
-
-
Any guess?
-
-
-
-
-
Ok, I will tell you..
-
-
-
-
-
Tom & Jerry cartoon begins!

 

[melody]

Free hold land for sale

A teenage girl is very anxious to offer a small lovely "TRIANGULAR" plot of land for sale centrally situated on the slopes at the level area in "THIALAND" but unobserved by any one till this day.

For the last 20 years plot was tenderly cared and looked after. This plot is "VIRGIN" and extremely fertile and can bear fruits even on the first planting. For the last 4 years the plot is covered with very fine grass which is very better and tender. No chemical are yet used for removing the grass which has covered the whole area deticably.

There is also a small "BOREWELL" hidden in the shrubs and no test is so far carried, but to as certain to the portability of water. Offers are immediately invited from prospective buyers with full and energetic capital who can put immediately.

The buyers should be strong enough to labor hard on the plot and plough in very hard with his "OWN TOOL". Although initially, it will be very hard and difficulty, but once the capital is put in he will not repute and will be delighted to have ventures in into site.

It is guaranteed that there will be fully full co-operation from the owner if the buyer is ready to put straight his capital immediately.

No partnership please. No subletting, neighbors are awaiting for the an opportunity to trespass the plot. So hurry up to be the first to enter into the site!

 

[melody]

Grandma

A man notices his thirteen-year-old son has been walking around for a week with a hard-on in his pants, and figures the boy needs some relief. He gives the kid twenty dollars and says: "Take this to the whorehouse at the other end of town, and have some fun."
Well, the whorehouse is a good hour walk each way, but the boy returns in only 45 minutes. The father says: "where were you?"
"Well," says the boy, "when I walked by Grandma's house she asked where I was going and I told her. She said, 'why don't you just come in here instead, and I'll do you for free.' So that's what I did."
The father, outraged, screams: "Are you telling me you fucked my MOTHER?"
"What's the big deal," says the boy, "you fuck mine!"

 

[melody]

Two morticians are sitting around at the end of the day:
"Did you see that cute redhead they brought in yesterday?"
"Yeah, she was really something!"
"Did you see the clit on that girl?"
"Yeah, it was like a pickle!"
"Well, it wasn't that big . . ."
"No, but it was that sour!"

 

[melody]

A miner comes out of the bush camp after several months of very hard work. When he gets to town, he decides to go to the local whorehouse so as to unload some pent up frustrations. He picks out a whore, takes her to her room, and she gives him a skillful blow-job. When she's done, she reaches under the bed, pulls out a big mason jar and spits his wad into it.
"What the hell is THAT for?" he asks.
"Well", she says..."Me and my girlfriend have a running contest. Whoever has more at the end of the week...gets to drink both."

 

[melody]

Two guys are talking in a bar:
"I came home early last night and caught my wife having sex with my best friend in our bed!"
"What did you do?"
"I grabbed my wife by the hair and said 'that's it, you're outta here' and threw her out of the house."
"What did you do to your best friend?"
"I shook my finger at him and yelled 'bad dog! bad dog!'"

 

[melody]

How to Shower Like A Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you
see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg
cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint
conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave
on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub
for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray
mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a
small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and
towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.

 

[melody]

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along
the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire
the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face.

6. Wash your armpits

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water
rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at
how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor
because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light
and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If
you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and
make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.