JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

LIttle Johnny

Little Johnny’s family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
empty lot. Little Johnny naturally took an interest in all the activity
going on next door and started talking with the workers.

He hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough
all of them - more or less adopted him as a kind of project mascot. They
chatted with him, let him sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
breaks and gave him little jobs to do here and there to make him feel
important.

At the end of the first week they even presented him with a pay envelope
containing a dollar.

Little Johnny took this home to his mother who said all the appropriate
words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay se had
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the
story and asked Little Johnny how he had come by his very own pay check
at such a young age.

Little Johnny proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a
house all week."

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week too"?

"I will if those useless cock suckers at the lumber yard ever bring us
the fucking bricks", replied Little Johnny.

 

[melody]

Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his viagra?
So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the ass.

How do you know if a blonde used the computer?
The Joystick is wet

What is the definition of wicker box?
It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

 

[melody]

Random Insults

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would
eat.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against
thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever been invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found
nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

 

[melody]

A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a
bath.

"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet."

 

[melody]

A priest was taking a leak in the men's room, when he
noticed that somebody had written on the wall, "My
mother made me a homosexual."

So he took out a pencil and wrote underneath it, "If
I buy her the material, will she make me one too?"

 

[melody]

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered,
"I'm a brunette."

 

[melody]

Top Ten Tips For Anal Play

10. Don't use Valvoline as a lube, unless you are going to be
buttfucking at high speeds.

9. Anal fisting is difficult, anal fisting while holding
maracas is VERY difficult.

8. Don't insert objects unless they are easily retrieved
or you don't need them much.

7. Repeated/prolonged anal play can result in a loss of sensitivity - a
quick application of #120 grit sandpaper
will restore it. You are oversensitive when you can
sit on a Lifesaver and determine the flavor.

6. Air introduced to the rectum results in flatulence
-- insert a penny whistle or duck call to turn the
inevitable into entertainment.

5. Count your toys, and locate wallet and car keys
before leaving the room.

4. Methane is inflammable. "Polaris Missile Launch"
is NOT a safe game.

3. Do not slice vegetables prior to insertion unless
you want to play "Piggy Bank."

2. Enemas with various fluids can be fun, but please
note that grape Kool-Aid will give your butthole
a purple mustache.

1. "Don't put that in your mouth, you
DO know where it's been!"

 

[melody]

Q: What has a 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at an N SYNC concert.

Q: How do Montanan teenage boys find their sheep in tall grass?
A: Most satisfactory.

Q: Why do dogs always stick their noses in blondes' twats?
A: Because they can get away with it.

Q: What are a blonde's three lies?
A: 1. You're the best.
2. You're the biggest.
3. It doesn't always smell that way.

Q: How can you tell that the couple doing it doggie style are married?
A: There is not as much licking and sniffing as usual.

Q: Why do women like to cross a rooster with an owl?
A: Because they get a cock that stays up all night.

Q: Why don't women like to cross a rooster with a peanut butter sandwich?
A: Because they get a cock that sticks to the roof of their mouths.

 

[melody]

A queer was brushing his teeth and flossing in front of the
bathroom mirror, when he noticed that his gums had started bleeding.
"Thank God!" he exclaimed. "Safe for another month!"

 

[melody]

(1) To make it straight, she pulls it..
To make it stand, she rubs it.
To make it stiff, she licks it.
To put it in, she pushes it.

It's hell of a job threading a needle!!!


(2) A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. When
they broke up, he wanted his blood back.

The girl threw a bloody kotex at him and said,
'I'll pay you in monthly installment.'


(3) Girl in cinema turns sideways and whispers to
her boyfriend.

'The man next to me is masturbating!' Bf:
'Ignore him.'

Gf: 'I can't.'

Bf: 'Why not?'

Gf: 'He is using my hand!'


(4) The Bio teacher draws a huge PENIS on the board
and asks 'Does anybody know what this is?

Dirty Harry says 'Oh, it's a penis and you
know dad's got 2 of them?'

The teacher says '2 of them?'

Harry says 'ya! The little one he uses
to pee and the big one to brush mum's teeth.'


(5) 4 miracles of a woman

Getting wet without taking a shower
Bleeding without getting hurt
Giving milk without eating grass
Making boneless meat hard.


(6) What is the smallest hotel in the world?

The answer is 'Vagina Inn'

It accomodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2
baggages left outside.


(7) Unborn twins saw a penis approaching.

1st: Papa coming, papa coming.

2nd: U fool, it's uncle lah. Papa never comes
with raincoat!

(8) A hubby said to his wife, 'I will take a
photo of your breast and frame it..'

The wife said to husband, 'I will take a photo of
your penis and enlarge it.'

(9) A girl at 15 is a SURPRISE.

At 25, she is the RIGHT PRICE.

At 35, a GRAND PRIZE.

At 45, a CONSOLATION PRIZE.

At 55, she is a DOOR PRIZE, and

at 65, a GIVEAWAY PRIZE.


(10) What did Snow White complain about after having
sex with the 7 dwarfs?

Snow White said, 'I would rather have 7 inches at
1 time. Not 1 inch 7 times.'


(11) The vagina is the world's best
rehabilation center.

Even the most violent and aggressive penis comes out
humbled, head bowed and reduced in size.


(12) A loving husband had 'I Love You'
tattoed on his dick.

When he got home, he showed it to his wife.

She said, 'There u go again, trying to put words
in my mouth.'


(13) Lady was trying on dress.

Husband: 'Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!'

Later in bed, husband said, 'Want to do it?'

Wife: 'It's a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for
a small sausage.'

 

[melody]

FINALLY, A CHAIN LETTER I LIKE!

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor fucking 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send his email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy Bunny in the magazine! What a bunch of fucking bullshit.

So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Ceaser in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2010, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

Fuck them!

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly fucking amusing. I've seen all the 'send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a Nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.


THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

Chain Letter Type 1:
(scroll down)


Make a wish!!!


Keep Scrolling


No, really, go on and make one!!!


Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!


Not that, you pervert!!


STOP!!!!


Wasn't that fun? :)
Hope you made a great wish :)


Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.

It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.

Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.

Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Thanks again!!


Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do.

So this is how it works... Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.

This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.


Chain Letter Type 4

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.
Send it to all your friends.

FRIENDS:

A friend is someone who is always at your side.

A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you've been eating catfood.

A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes.

A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.

A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life.

A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs.

A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English...no, sorry that's the cleaning lady.

A friend is NOT someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again!


The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?

Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you'll find all your underwear missing tomorrow morning!

 

[melody]

Green and Moldy

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man
with no arms comes up to him and says
"Hey, can you give me a hand?".
Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help.
He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes
out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy.
Imagining the bonus he will get come judgement day, he continues to hold
the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back
up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says
"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with
your Johnson?"
Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know,
but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"

 

[melody]

Two gays and two lesbians are all fleeing the country.
Which pair is going to make it out first?
The two gays... they already have their shit packed.

 

[melody]

Q: What is the most common pickup line in a lesbian bar?
A: "Your face, or mine?"

Q: What do lesbians like to use for a lubricant?
A: Tartar sauce.

Q: What is the most frequent reason that midgets get slapped by girls?
A: For telling them that their hair smells nice.
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A: Because his wife died.

 

[melody]

A guy went to his doctor and asked for a prescription for sex-lax.
"You mean 'Ex-lax,' don't you?" laughed the doctor.
"Hell no! I don't have trouble going, I have trouble coming!"

 

[melody]

Ants In Her Pants

There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.

One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.

So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.

One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.

"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".

"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."

 

[melody]

Holy mother , full of grace
Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him safe from all the girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Keep his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one i sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fucked
And if my mum happened to walk in
Bless the shit i'd be in.

 

[melody]

Q: What do lesbians always bring to work?
A: Box lunches.
Q: Why are faggots such pricks?
A: You are what you eat.
Q: Why do pedophiles like Halloween?
A: Free home delivery.
Q: What is a shit?
A: A faggot's wet dream.
Q: How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
A: The hero always gets his man in the end.
Q: How can you tell if a Western is homosexual?
A: All the good guys are hung.

 

[melody]

Why do girls dont keep the mobile in their T-shirt pocket
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"no signals near hills & mountain

 

[melody]

Arrested for laughing

A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing.... ........ ....She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'