JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Tour to hell

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

“What do they do here?”

He was told,” First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day.”

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.

He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.

He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?”

He was told, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day.”

“But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting
to get in?”

“Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a government worker, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the Cafeteria!!!

 

[melody]

A wise wish

A man walking along a goa beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The man said, “Build a bridge to Mumbai so I can drive over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want 2 lanes or 4 lanes on that bridge?”

 

[melody]

Password rejected (sexy)

A girl was helping her boyfriend set up his PC and he wanted to log in
with a password.

Now, you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude
and goes for the shock effect.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in
"pen*s".

His girlfriend nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the
computer replied...:
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

 

[melody]

At the US Embassy

An Arabian was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A. Visa.

Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz

Consul : Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul : I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels

Consul : Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul : Man,…isn’t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul : Oh…dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

 

[melody]

Two drafts

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two
prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that,
from the next room, he hears his little friend
shouting out cries of
"Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"

I couldn't even get on the f**king bed."

 

[melody]

Sweet revenge

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their vir*inity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:

She took a Polaroid picture of herself su*king her new boyfriend's unm*ntionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I have a new boyfriend leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

 

[melody]

Doctors Advice

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

 

[melody]

Santas Honeymoon

Newly married santha goes to the city from his village for Honeymoon along with his beautiful wife. while roaming on the street a crook happens to see santas beautiful wife. So he walks upto santa and says " Look I will pay you Rs 500 if you stand in this circle for 1 hr " and draws a circle around him. santa agrees. the crook drags santas wife to the nearest room and after 1 hour comes back to the place where santa is standing and hands over Rs500 note and vanishies. after few minutes santas wife turns up and tears in her eyes and says " you are soo stupid . he dragged me to his place and your are standing in this circle. you are a fool ". santa replies " dont call me a fool. while you both wEre not here i came out of the circle many timeS. BUT THAT FOOL DID NOT REALISE THAT AND HE PAID ME 500 BUCKS. NOW TELL ME WHO IS A FOOL..??

 

[melody]

"Did you take a bath?"
"Why, Is there one missing?"

"Are you chewing gum?"
"No, I'm John Smith."

"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"

"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"

"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"

Do you say a prayer before you eat?"
"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."

"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for
dinner."
"Who wants to eat friends?"

"We are having mother for dinner, darling."
"Make sure she's well done."

"I want some rat poison."
"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"

"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear
and out the other."
"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."

"May I hold your hand?"
"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."

"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"
"No, sir, only when it rains."

"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"
"Why? Is it tilted?"

"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"
"No, you'll have to walk"

"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
But why? My wife isn't dangerous."

"I have changed my mind."
Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

 

[melody]

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife says, "Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Are you sick?"

"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.

He said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

 

[melody]

This ever happen to you???

I was sitting outside one cloudy day, reminiscing on all the
bad luck I was having. Everything was going wrong.

Feeling bad, I looked up to the heavens with outstretched arms
and said, "Why me, Lord? Why me?"

All of a sudden there was a clap of thunder and a bolt of
lightning, and as the clouds parted, a booming voice came
down from the sky, and said,
"Because, there's something about you that just pisses me off!"

 

[melody]

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window. His wife yells, "That guy just fucked me twice!" He says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he fucked you once?"
She says, "Because I thought it was you -- until he started the second time."

 

[melody]

John walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.
The pharmacist says "Do you have a prescription?"
John says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."

 

[melody]

Q. What does an Eighty Year old pussy taste like?
A. Depends.

Q. Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A. Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

 

[melody]

A guy goes to the optometrist. The Doctor tells him, "You've
got to stop masturbating!"

"Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?"

"No," the Doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other
patients in the waiting room!"

 

[melody]

I was just finishing in the public toilet when a voice came from the next stall.
“Excuse me but there’s no paper in here, can you pass me a few sheets?”
“Sorry”, I replied, “but I’ve just used the last one”
There was a long pause and then a $20 bill slid under the stall wall and the voice asked “Have you got four fivers for a twenty then?”

 

[melody]

Fred walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm.
He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife
is in bed, reading a magazine.

"Honey," says Fred, "this is the pig I've been screwing when you're not
available."

"Fred," the wife says, "that's not a pig. That's a sheep."

"Shut up," says Fred. "I wasn't talking to you."

 

[melody]

When It's Okay To Fart In Public:

~^~ In your boss' office as you are turning to leave. Tip- Make sure
it's a silent one.

~^~ In a bathroom.

~^~ In a cashier's line - it might help to speed up things.

~^~ In an empty elevator before you get off.

~^~ Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become
unoccupied.

~^~ In someone else's unoccupied cubicle at work.

~^~ While parachuting.

~^~ While scuba diving.

~^~ In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested.

~^~ During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated.

~^~ In your car if you've been carjacked.

~^~ In the changing room when you're sure someone else is waiting
his/her turn.

~^~ In your car once you've been pulled over… the cop may let you go
quicker.

~^~ During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.

~^~ While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know whom to
blame.

 

[melody]

Q. Why did God give blondes 2% more intelligence than horses?
A. He didn't want them shitting in the street during parades, too.

 

[melody]

What is FOREPLAY?

1- The loving before the shoving.
2- The petting before the getting.
3- BULLSHIT!
4 -The licking before the pricking.
5- The stroking before the poking.
6- The procrastination & masturbation preceding penetration.
7- The lingering and the fingering.
8- A premature ejaculators nightmare!
9- Unnecessary with barn animals.