JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[DarkAccoon]

melody never seem to realise how much she means in my life....
when i am down, i come to this thread and presto, i am up and running even after a long monday

 

[melody]

hmm.. such is the power of mel..
hehe..
glad u & others enjoyed reading 'em..

 

[melody]

Man goes into a bank and up to the cashier's desk.

"Nice tits love, I want to open a FUCKING checking account," the man snarls.

"I beg your pardon, sir?", the startled female teller replies.

"Listen, you dumb bitch, I said I want to open a FUCKING checking account."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't help you if you're going to talk like that." She leaves the window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear. The two return and the manager asks, stiffly,

"What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no GODDAMN problem!" the man insists. "I just won ten million dollars in the lottery, and I want to open a FUCKING checking account!"

"I see sir," the manager quickly replies,

"and this cunt's giving you a hard time, is she?

 

[melody]

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week (hole weak).

The Answer: A Cockrobin.
The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?

 

[melody]

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.
It began, 'Daddy fell into the well last week...' 'My goodness!' the teacher exclaimed. 'Is he all right?' 'He must be,' said the boy. 'He stopped yelling for help yesterday.'

 

[melody]

A guy comes home from work one day and finds his wife doing it furiously with another man. "What the fuck are you doing?" he screams.
His wife looks over her shoulder and says to the other guy, "See, I told you he was stupid."

 

[melody]

This husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, 'I gotta have you!'

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and nailed her.

When he finished he started putting his clothes back on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door and he asked, 'What's wrong honey? Didn't you come? Do you want more?'

His wife said, 'No, no, it's not that. I'm just trying to get the doorknob out of my asshole!'

 

[melody]

More Cool Pickup Lines

105. Since we shouldn't waste this day and age what you say we use these condoms in my pocket before they expire.
106. Would you like to see me naked??
107. Do you like chicken? Suck this it's foul!
108. Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No! D'ya wanna do lunch!
109. I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.
110. Sit on my face and let me get to 'nose' you better?
111. Do you spit or swallow?
112. So....How am I doin'?
113. I would give you a piece of my mind but I have much more of something else.
114. Your legs must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night.
115. I would kill or die to make love with you.
116. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
117. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
118. Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
119. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
120. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
121. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
122. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
123. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
124. I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
125. I had a wet dream about you last night. Would you like to make it a reality?
126. I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.
127. Free mammograms, get your free mammograms here, get 'em while they're hot!
128. Do you come here often?
129. Where do you live?
130. Hi. I'm Big Brother. I've been watching you...
131. Where have you been all my life?
132. Would you like to join me in the Bahamas next week?
133. Think you can dance in those shoes?
134. (Walk over to her)"Ok, you can stand next to me, as long as you don't talk about it."
135. Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you."
136. Why don't you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?
137. I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates me a little.
138. I know a great way to burn off the 300 calories in that pastry you just ate.

 

[melody]

The City Boy And The Country Girl

A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to
ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to
ask her father. "I want to marry your daughter".

"Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter."

"I'll do anything for my love" says the young man.

"You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it."

A little puzzled the boy says, "OK, anything for my love". On his return
of doing his deed, he asks, "Now can I marry your daughter?"

"Nope." says the father, "See that goat over yonder? Well, Go screw it."

Again the boy obliges and returns saying, "Now can I marry your
daughter?"

"Nope. Not yet -- one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to
it."

Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at
seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter.

So the father finally tells the boy, "Now you can marry my daughter."

To which the boy replies, "SCREW YOUR DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THAT PIG?"

 

[melody]

What is the similarity between a woman and a washing machine?
They both leak when they're fucked!

 

[melody]

There comes a time in a woman's life when she looks back into the past,
back when she was much younger, and starts to wonder.........

Gee, I wonder what sort of happiness I could have had-had I married the
guy with the big prick instead of the guy with a big wallet?!?!?!

 

[melody]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been
decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk
and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather
expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky
enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the
graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their
business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and
said "These damn girl nights have to stop. My wife came home with no
panties."

"That's nothing" said the other husband "Mine came back with a card
stuck between the crack of her ass that said, 'From all of us at the
Fire Station. We will never forget you!',"

 

[melody]

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time
in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being
really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little
Johnny.

Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor,
but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off."

 

[melody]

Q: What do you get when you turn three naked blondes upside down?
A: Three brunettes.

Q: Why do dogs always stick their noses in blondes' twats?
A: Because they can get away with it.

Q: What are a blonde's three lies?
A: 1. You're the best.
2. You're the biggest.
3. It doesn't always smell that way.

 

[melody]

Michael Jackson strolls up to a little boy on the street corner and says,
“Would you like to see my new puppy?”
The little boy says, “For $20.00 I’ll even play with his bone.”

 

[melody]

Q: Why do Pedophiles prefer to eat little girls' pussies?
A: Because they don’t smell yet.

Q: What did the Pedophile say to the 10-year-old little girl after
licking her anus for 30 minutes?
A: OK, Honey, this side is done...roll over.

Q: What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
A: The little boy in the trunk of Michael Jackson's car.

Q: What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game?
A: Before the First Period.

Q: What did Michael Jackson say when he was released from prison?
A: "I feel like a kid again."

 

[melody]

Michael Jackson pulls up in his car beside a little boy. Holding
a bag full of sweets, he says: "Hey kid, if I give you a piece
of candy, will you come in my car?"

"Heck Michael, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

 

[melody]

Michael Jackson in a car pulls up to a schoolboy and says, “Hey little
boy, I’ll give you $100 if you let me spank your sweet tight little ass.”
“Like fucking hell," he replied, "I’ll give you $200 if you let me
smash your old useless dick with a hammer.”

 

[melody]

Q: What did Michael Jackson say to another pedophile?
A: "I'll give you two fives for a ten."

 

[melody]

Ice is always nice

Last night, my throat was kinda dry, so on my way to bed, I decided to get a cup of ice, so I could suck on it if I woke up with a dry throat. Well, I didn't only have a dry throat, but I was also very horny. I usually use some markers to get my self off, but last night, I added a li'l extra wetness. I put pieces of ice inside me, it felt so good. It melted pretty fast also!