JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Doctor, I'm having that dream again." the patient said.

"Oh?" The shrink replies. "Which one?"

"The one where I'm into sadism, necrophilia, and beastiality.
Should I be worried or am I beating a dead horse?"

 

[melody]

A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there.
He
replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it."

The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it
out I'll have a look for you."

The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his
underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor
says, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it."

To which the man replies, "I know, it's a fucking beauty, eh?!"

 

[melody]

The Gay Flight Attendant

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male
flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting
and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your
trays, that would be great."

I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A
few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her:
"Ma'am,
perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you
to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."

She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again
to put up the tray.

She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a
princess. I take orders from no one."

Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called
a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"

 

[melody]

Heights!!!

Height of Confusion: Two earthworms making love in a bowl of noodles.
Height of Pain: A monkey sliding down a knife's edge using balls as his brakes.
Height of Honesty: A pregnant woman asking the bus conductor for one & a half ticket.
Height of Foolishness: A guy peeping thru' the keyhole of a glass door.
Height of Revenge: A bastard puncturing all the condoms in a contraceptive factory.
Height of Noise: Two skeletons fucking on a tin roof.
Height of Itch: A fat man hanging (upside down) from a roof trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearsil to her nipples thinking them as pimples.
Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in prostitute's cunt.
Height of Laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquaketo do the rest.
Height of Competition: A guy peeing against Niagara Falls.
Height of Bravery: A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.
Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgustion: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology: Condom with zip

 

[melody]

Sex Daffi-nitions

Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Beaver Leaver or Vagina Decliner: A homosexual.

Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a
booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument. E.g. one that
arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his
girlfriend.

Budgie's Tongue: or Small Man In A Boat. The female erection.

Double Bass: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from
behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her
Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used
when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is one
hell of a lot different.

Hand-to-Gland Combat: A vigorous masturbation session.

Sperm Wail: A male verbal outburst during orgasm.

2-Bagger: Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to
cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).

Titanic: A lady who goes down first time out.

Todger Dodger: A lesbian.

X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

 

[melody]

The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living."

Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad guys in jail."

Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better."

The teacher says, to Dirty Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do ?"

Johnny says, "My Dad is dead."

She says, "I'm sorry to hear that.

But what did he do before he died?"

Johnny says, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

 

[melody]

A couple was told to individually write a sentence
using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote 'When two people love each other
very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptable
for them to engage in sex.'

And Bob wrote ' I love sex.'

 

[melody]

Reasons Masturbation Is Better Than Real Sex

1. Your hand always lets you finish first.
2. It's free.
3. Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It's all I can get.
4. You call the position.
5. "Premature ejaculation"? hehehe
6. No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.
7. Your privates are your best friend.
8. Your girlfriend is just a piece of skin that you have sex with.
9. Gives a single man good reason to wash his socks.
10. Easier to join their "Mile High Club."
11. You get to scream out your own name.
12. Peeing is considered foreplay.
13. Nobody ever says, "Why is it all green and wrinkly?"
14. You'll never have two women, but you'll always have two HANDS!
15. Four words: "Brad Pitt hand puppet."
16. You can do it and play Interactive Top Ten at the same time.
17. Don't have to clean up fur afterwards.

 

[melody]

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered
that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.
He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned
country
store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite
obviously a local farm girl.
He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"
"Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then
I just go plain wild and crazy!"

 

[melody]

Mr. and Mrs. Nearier come before the judge for their divorce hearing.
The judge says, "What are the grounds?" Mrs. Nearier says,
"Cruel and inhuman punishment.
He tied me to the bed and then forced me to sing the National Anthem
while he pissed all over me." The judge says,
"My God, that's horrible." She says, "Yeah.
He KNOWS how much I hate that song."

 

[melody]

A lady and her husband have been arguing back and forth for some time.
She makes an appointment to see her doctor and tells him, "My husband
has been complaining that my pussy has an odor, but I bent over and
took a whiff, and I don't smell anything."

The doctor examines her, and then says, "Ma'am, you need an operation."

She says, "On my pussy?"

He says, "No, on your NOSE!"

 

[melody]

What is a FACT?
A Fact is a bit of grizzle That separates the Muck Hole from the
Fuck Hole, One slip and your in the Shit and that's a Fact

0o0o0o0o0o

The definition of shit head
some one who sees shit on the floor and steps in it anyway

What's the difference between slime and a lawyer?
I've been looking for years, I still can't find any.

 

[melody]

Blondie Q's & A's

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: A Rooster says in the Morning - "Cockll-doodlle-doooooo", while a blonde shouts, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and The Titanic?
A: They know how many men went down on The Titanic.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: There's fewer crabs in the Atlantic.

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a blow-up Doll?
A: Around 2 cans of hair spray.

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Great Tits!!!"

Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?
A: Both get licked, then stuck, and finally sent on their way.

Q: Why is a blonde like railway tracks?
A: Cos she's been laid all over the country.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe.

Q: What's the difference between a Mosquito and a blonde?
A: On slapping a Mosquito, it will stop sucking.

Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A: Give her a cock and she'll be ready to blow.

Q: What's a blondes favorite Nursery Rhyme?
A: HumpMe DumpMe.

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Cuz everyone gets a turn.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She loved to get filled with Cream.

 

[melody]

She looked so fair, in the midnight air,
With the wind blowing up her nightie...
Her tits hung loose, like the balls of a moose,
Jesus Christ Almighty...
The nipples on her tits were as big as my thumb,
The wiggle of her ass could make a dead man come,
She sucks like a vacuum, and she's real fucking dumb,
She's the girl for me.

 

[melody]

PICKUP LINE

He said - Have I shown you my magic watch ?

She said - No, what does it do ?

He said - It's telling me you are not wearing any underwear

She said - Well your watch is stuffed because I am wearing
underwear

He said - It must be an hour fast

 

[melody]

God does have a sense of humour....

A man was praying to god. He said, " God?"

God responded, "Yes?"

And the Guy said, "Can i ask a question ?"

" Go right ahead ", God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "A million years to me is only a second. "

The man wondered.

Then he asked, "God , what is a million dollars worth to you ?"

God said, " A million dollars to me is a penny. "

So the man said, "God can I have a penny ?"

And God cheerfully said,

" Sure!....... just a second ."

 

[melody]

12 Ways to Get Rid of a Telemarketer

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

*********

2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch.

When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever.

See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.

*********

3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...."

When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

*********

4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located

Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

*********

5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

*********

6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

*********

7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

*********

8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

*********

9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

*********

10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."

Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

*********

11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

*********

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back.

If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers).

If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

 

[melody]

True value of doing business with Bank

Rajiv and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.

Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs 5lakh deposit cheque yet to Bank?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our Bank Master card yet?"

"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.

"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Rajiv," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."

Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you hug me?"

Rajiv answers, "They'll find us!!!!"

 

[melody]

Contractor

Three contractors . . . One from India, another from Germany and the third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. A senior White House official takes them to examine it.

The English contractor : takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works on some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will cost $900 . . . $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me."

The German contractor : also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or do any figuring, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official incredulously says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Indian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Germany to do the work!"

Guess who got the contract........................!!

 

[melody]

Software engineer and his wife

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer