JeSt fOr LaUgHs...
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Flooded
Old guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his young blonde
wife standing in the middle of their Deluxe apartment wearing a red
G-string, 7 inch steel heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.
"What happened here?"
"I think the waterbed busted" says the trembling wife Just then a naked
guy floats by ,,,,,,,,
"Who's that?" demands the husband "I dunno, must be a life guard."
Q: What do you call a man with a broken condom?
A: Daddy.
Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
A: "Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets."
Q: What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
A: You don't have to ask; you can *see* who the best man is.
Q: What's the difference between a hunting dog and a nymphomaniac?
A: A hunting dog sics a duck.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?
A: Your last blow job ... ever!
Q: What's the definition of irreconcilable differences?
A: When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it
into a bullet.
Mrs. Speidell, who was a little on the chubby side,
Was at her weight-watchers meeting . "My husband insists
I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a
Woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next to her.
"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"
"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."
Old guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his young blonde
wife standing in the middle of their Deluxe apartment wearing a red
G-string, 7 inch steel heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.
"What happened here?"
"I think the waterbed busted" says the trembling wife Just then a naked
guy floats by ,,,,,,,,
"Who's that?" demands the husband "I dunno, must be a life guard."
Q: What do you call a man with a broken condom?
A: Daddy.
Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
A: "Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets."
Q: What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
A: You don't have to ask; you can *see* who the best man is.
Q: What's the difference between a hunting dog and a nymphomaniac?
A: A hunting dog sics a duck.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?
A: Your last blow job ... ever!
Q: What's the definition of irreconcilable differences?
A: When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it
into a bullet.
Mrs. Speidell, who was a little on the chubby side,
Was at her weight-watchers meeting . "My husband insists
I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a
Woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next to her.
"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"
"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."
Right Breast And Left Breast
A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.
On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor, who says this is a good sign, and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife.
He rushes out and tells the doctor.
The doctor says this is amazing and is a real breakthrough.
Obviously the sexual stimulation is getting through to the woman's brain.
The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in, then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor is shocked and asks what happened.
"She choked."
======
Little Johnny and two of his friends were sitting on a front porch one day after school.
Billy looked down the street and saw a bright red Corvette.
"Some day I'm gonna be a lawyer so I can buy me one of those Corvettes," he said.
Robbie looked over at the driveway next to the Corvette and saw a brand new Ferrari.
"I'm gonna be a doctor," he said, "so I can get me a fast Ferrari."
Little Johnny looked over at the other two and replied, "I'm gonna learn how to suck dick when I grow up."
The other two jaws dropped.
"That's what my sister does, and she owns both of those cars," explained Little Johnny.
======
There was a young girl who begat
Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
T'was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
When she found there's no tit for Tat.
A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.
On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor, who says this is a good sign, and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife.
He rushes out and tells the doctor.
The doctor says this is amazing and is a real breakthrough.
Obviously the sexual stimulation is getting through to the woman's brain.
The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in, then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor is shocked and asks what happened.
"She choked."
======
Little Johnny and two of his friends were sitting on a front porch one day after school.
Billy looked down the street and saw a bright red Corvette.
"Some day I'm gonna be a lawyer so I can buy me one of those Corvettes," he said.
Robbie looked over at the driveway next to the Corvette and saw a brand new Ferrari.
"I'm gonna be a doctor," he said, "so I can get me a fast Ferrari."
Little Johnny looked over at the other two and replied, "I'm gonna learn how to suck dick when I grow up."
The other two jaws dropped.
"That's what my sister does, and she owns both of those cars," explained Little Johnny.
======
There was a young girl who begat
Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
T'was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
When she found there's no tit for Tat.
The Bride And Groom
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his
place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom
has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man
says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married,
but what's up - you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had
in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who
gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the
biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices
this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be
getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my
entire life!"
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time
looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any
'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
Q: What always happens to the blonde who puts her panties on backwards?
A: She gets her ass chewed out.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is really conceited?
A: She screams out her own name when she comes.
Q: What is the ultimate dilemma for a blonde?
A: Meeting a guy with herpes and a big dick.
A blonde goes into a bar and orders a beer.
"Anheuser-Busch?" asks the bartender.
"Fine, thanks. And how's your cock?"
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his
place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom
has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man
says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married,
but what's up - you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had
in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who
gave it to me."
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the
biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices
this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be
getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my
entire life!"
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time
looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any
'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
Q: What always happens to the blonde who puts her panties on backwards?
A: She gets her ass chewed out.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is really conceited?
A: She screams out her own name when she comes.
Q: What is the ultimate dilemma for a blonde?
A: Meeting a guy with herpes and a big dick.
A blonde goes into a bar and orders a beer.
"Anheuser-Busch?" asks the bartender.
"Fine, thanks. And how's your cock?"
Tips on how to Masturbation
If You're A Girl
1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss
container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're
comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than
your head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there.
Think about nothing. And DON'T BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts.
Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make
sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down
to your thigh.
Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or
your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling
like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between
your poop hole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin
to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you
know where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard
yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get
going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the
teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but
just finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand.
Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit
harder. (That's the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet.
It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a
sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and
keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your
pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it
all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start
massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the
brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth
hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit
again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out
for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with
the teasing. Since you have already done it, you're going to want
it worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to
something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore
after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.
If You're A Boy
1)Read this.
2)Rub penis.
If You're A Girl
1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss
container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're
comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than
your head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there.
Think about nothing. And DON'T BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts.
Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make
sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down
to your thigh.
Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or
your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling
like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between
your poop hole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin
to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you
know where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard
yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get
going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the
teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but
just finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand.
Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit
harder. (That's the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet.
It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a
sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and
keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your
pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it
all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start
massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the
brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth
hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit
again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out
for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with
the teasing. Since you have already done it, you're going to want
it worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to
something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore
after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.
If You're A Boy
1)Read this.
2)Rub penis.
Twins
Little Johnny and Willy were twins, and for their 13th birthday, Willy got a bicycle while Little Johnny got a little portable radio.
Willy hopped up on his bike and went to town.
On the way he sees the Gerald's house on fire, firetrucks, the whole bit.
He spins around and peddles as fast as he could back home.
"Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what? I saw a fire at old man Gerald's! There was fire engines! Firemen! and EVERYTHING!!!"
Little Johnny looks up and says, "Yeah, I know, I heard about it 10 minutes ago on the news on my radio."
Willy scowls and jealously mutters, "You and your fuckin' radio!" and storms off, to go riding again.
In town he sees just about the most exciting thing ever! Police, sirens, and all kinds of excitement, because the local bank had been robbed.
He races home as fast as he can, starts hollering before he's even completely in the door,
"Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what?"
Little Johnny dryly interrupts with, "The bank was robbed?"
Willy scowls and storms off, muttering, "You and your fuckn' radio!"
Well, this time he pedals clear through town, and out into the countryside on the other side.
A few miles up the road he sees a poor little pig with its head stuck in a fence.
He grins, parks the bike, climbs down the bank, pulls his pants down and gives it to the porker.
Then he races as fast as he could all the way home... "Little Johnny!
Little Johnny! Guess what? I just had my first sexual experience!"
Little Johnny looks up, dismisses Willy with a wave, "Bah! In a pig's ass you did!"
"You and your fuckin' radio!" mutters Willy, as he cycles off.
---------
There was a young girl of Batonger,
Used to diddle herself with a conger
When asked how it feels
To be pleasured by eels,
She said, "Just like a man, only longer."
Little Johnny and Willy were twins, and for their 13th birthday, Willy got a bicycle while Little Johnny got a little portable radio.
Willy hopped up on his bike and went to town.
On the way he sees the Gerald's house on fire, firetrucks, the whole bit.
He spins around and peddles as fast as he could back home.
"Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what? I saw a fire at old man Gerald's! There was fire engines! Firemen! and EVERYTHING!!!"
Little Johnny looks up and says, "Yeah, I know, I heard about it 10 minutes ago on the news on my radio."
Willy scowls and jealously mutters, "You and your fuckin' radio!" and storms off, to go riding again.
In town he sees just about the most exciting thing ever! Police, sirens, and all kinds of excitement, because the local bank had been robbed.
He races home as fast as he can, starts hollering before he's even completely in the door,
"Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what?"
Little Johnny dryly interrupts with, "The bank was robbed?"
Willy scowls and storms off, muttering, "You and your fuckn' radio!"
Well, this time he pedals clear through town, and out into the countryside on the other side.
A few miles up the road he sees a poor little pig with its head stuck in a fence.
He grins, parks the bike, climbs down the bank, pulls his pants down and gives it to the porker.
Then he races as fast as he could all the way home... "Little Johnny!
Little Johnny! Guess what? I just had my first sexual experience!"
Little Johnny looks up, dismisses Willy with a wave, "Bah! In a pig's ass you did!"
"You and your fuckin' radio!" mutters Willy, as he cycles off.
---------
There was a young girl of Batonger,
Used to diddle herself with a conger
When asked how it feels
To be pleasured by eels,
She said, "Just like a man, only longer."
Q. What is black and sits at the top of a set of stairs?.
A. A quadraplegic in a house fire.
**
Q. What did the mongoloid say to his dog?
A. Downsyndrome!!
**
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea
**
Q: What's the definition of disgusting?
A: Stuffing a dozen oysters up Granny's cunt and sucking out 13.
**
Q. How do you cook vegetables in the microwave?
A. Take them out of their wheelchair.
**
Q. What's sicker than sick?
A. Masturbating with your grandma's ashes under your foreskin....
**
A guy rings work and says "I can't come in to work today as I`m sick"
The voice at the other end asks "How sick are you ??"
The guy says "Well I'm in bed fucking my daughter !!"
**
Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...
**
A quadruple amputee is waiting at the bus stop. The bus pulls up.
The driver says, "alright Jack, how you getting on today?"
**
Q. What's better than winning a gold medal at the Para-Olympics?
A. Having arms and legs.
**
Q: Who's always happier than a necrophiliac in a morgue?
A: A pedophile in charge of an orphanage!
**
Quit bitching about sucking my dick.
At least you don't have to worry about a dick bleeding in your mouth.
**
Q. What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest
A. Acne doesn't come over your face until your 13.
**
What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex?
It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to the woman.
**
Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole
as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.
They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"
The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"
A. A quadraplegic in a house fire.
**
Q. What did the mongoloid say to his dog?
A. Downsyndrome!!
**
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea
**
Q: What's the definition of disgusting?
A: Stuffing a dozen oysters up Granny's cunt and sucking out 13.
**
Q. How do you cook vegetables in the microwave?
A. Take them out of their wheelchair.
**
Q. What's sicker than sick?
A. Masturbating with your grandma's ashes under your foreskin....
**
A guy rings work and says "I can't come in to work today as I`m sick"
The voice at the other end asks "How sick are you ??"
The guy says "Well I'm in bed fucking my daughter !!"
**
Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...
**
A quadruple amputee is waiting at the bus stop. The bus pulls up.
The driver says, "alright Jack, how you getting on today?"
**
Q. What's better than winning a gold medal at the Para-Olympics?
A. Having arms and legs.
**
Q: Who's always happier than a necrophiliac in a morgue?
A: A pedophile in charge of an orphanage!
**
Quit bitching about sucking my dick.
At least you don't have to worry about a dick bleeding in your mouth.
**
Q. What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest
A. Acne doesn't come over your face until your 13.
**
What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex?
It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to the woman.
**
Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole
as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.
They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"
The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"
Breakfast
Little Johnny goes to school. His first class is English, and the teacher wants the kids to say what they ate for breakfast and spell it.
The first girl says "toast" -- t o a s t.
The second boy says "eggs" -- e g g s.
Little Johnny says "fuckin nothing" -- f u c k i n g n o t h i n g.
The teacher stands him in the corner till lunch.
After lunch Little Johnny is allowed to take his seat.
The first class after lunch is geography. The teacher wants to know where the Polish border lies.
Little Johnny shoots up his hand and says, "He's at home on top of my mom. That's why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!"
======
Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out.
"What's the matter fella?" asked a stock boy.
"I've lost my mommy!" wailed Little Johnny.
"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothed the stock boy.
"Now tell me, what's mommy like?"
"Bourbon and men with big, hard cocks," sobbed Little Johnny.
======
Mary and her husband were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.
He suddenly said, 'Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.'
'Now why would you want me to do something like that?' Mary asked.
'I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff....'
'What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"
Little Johnny goes to school. His first class is English, and the teacher wants the kids to say what they ate for breakfast and spell it.
The first girl says "toast" -- t o a s t.
The second boy says "eggs" -- e g g s.
Little Johnny says "fuckin nothing" -- f u c k i n g n o t h i n g.
The teacher stands him in the corner till lunch.
After lunch Little Johnny is allowed to take his seat.
The first class after lunch is geography. The teacher wants to know where the Polish border lies.
Little Johnny shoots up his hand and says, "He's at home on top of my mom. That's why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!"
======
Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out.
"What's the matter fella?" asked a stock boy.
"I've lost my mommy!" wailed Little Johnny.
"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothed the stock boy.
"Now tell me, what's mommy like?"
"Bourbon and men with big, hard cocks," sobbed Little Johnny.
======
Mary and her husband were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.
He suddenly said, 'Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.'
'Now why would you want me to do something like that?' Mary asked.
'I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff....'
'What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"
Spit or Swallow
Many men find it highly arousing to see their partner swallow their
ejaculate. However, this is really more of an emotional desire than a
physical one.
Where exactly the semen goes after it leaves your boyfriend's penis
does not impact his sensations.
For many men, it is much more about a feeling of acceptance by their partner;
it may feel like a form of rejection of him when you spit. On the other hand,
that does not mean that you should be engaging in behavior that you don't
enjoy. So what can you do to please your boyfriend without doing something
you hate? What many couples have compromised on is that the man
withdraws his penis prior to orgasm and ejaculates on his partner.
Alternatively, instead of spitting, you can let his semen slowly,
sensuously, drain out of your mouth. I guarantee he will like that.
No matter what you do, it is much more about attitude and context. There
is a tremendous difference between letting his ejaculate dribble out of your
smiling mouth, and jumping up to run to the bathroom to gargle!
*~»§«~*~» Ñ «~*~»§«~*
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: What's the best way to give your dog a bone?
A: Tickle his balls!
Q: What’s the definition of eternity?
A: The time between when you cum and she leaves.
Q: "Why do women have foreheads?"
A: "So that men have somewhere to kiss after they've given them a blow-job!"
*~»§«~*
Women just don't understand me, that's why I bought a dog. And this dog is like my dream date-as soon as I get her in the house, she's all over me, rubbing against my leg, licking my nuts........ ..I can't even get a girl to do that.......I can't even get a girl to shit on my carpet!
*~»§«~*
If a woman is uncomfortable watching me wank, should she:
a) Get to know me better?
b) Stop being such a prude?
or
c) Find another seat on the bus?
Many men find it highly arousing to see their partner swallow their
ejaculate. However, this is really more of an emotional desire than a
physical one.
Where exactly the semen goes after it leaves your boyfriend's penis
does not impact his sensations.
For many men, it is much more about a feeling of acceptance by their partner;
it may feel like a form of rejection of him when you spit. On the other hand,
that does not mean that you should be engaging in behavior that you don't
enjoy. So what can you do to please your boyfriend without doing something
you hate? What many couples have compromised on is that the man
withdraws his penis prior to orgasm and ejaculates on his partner.
Alternatively, instead of spitting, you can let his semen slowly,
sensuously, drain out of your mouth. I guarantee he will like that.
No matter what you do, it is much more about attitude and context. There
is a tremendous difference between letting his ejaculate dribble out of your
smiling mouth, and jumping up to run to the bathroom to gargle!
*~»§«~*~» Ñ «~*~»§«~*
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: What's the best way to give your dog a bone?
A: Tickle his balls!
Q: What’s the definition of eternity?
A: The time between when you cum and she leaves.
Q: "Why do women have foreheads?"
A: "So that men have somewhere to kiss after they've given them a blow-job!"
*~»§«~*
Women just don't understand me, that's why I bought a dog. And this dog is like my dream date-as soon as I get her in the house, she's all over me, rubbing against my leg, licking my nuts........ ..I can't even get a girl to do that.......I can't even get a girl to shit on my carpet!
*~»§«~*
If a woman is uncomfortable watching me wank, should she:
a) Get to know me better?
b) Stop being such a prude?
or
c) Find another seat on the bus?
Nursery Rhymes We Didn't Have As Kids
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
********************
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you Dumb Ass"
********************
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
*************** *****
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat
took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
********************
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo,
and a sports car.
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
********************
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you Dumb Ass"
********************
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
*************** *****
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat
took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
********************
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo,
and a sports car.
Prostate Exam
A man goes to a female urologist for an exam. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy did as the doctor instructed and said, "99".
The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."
Again, the guy says, "99."
The doctor said, "Very good Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I am going to hold on to your penis.
Now take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy says, "One. . . two. . . three.
*****
What is the definition of a surprise?
A fart with a lump in it!
Why are turds always tired?
Because they're pooped out!
Q: Did you hear about the new porno movie?
A: It's about a girl whose clitoris is in her ear ... it's called: "Cum Again?"
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
*****
One queer visited another in the hospital. "What did they do?"
he asked the other man lying in the bed.
"They removed my tonsils, pulled out my teeth, and cut
out my hemorrhoids."
"My God!" gasped the visitor, "A complete hysterectomy!"
A man goes to a female urologist for an exam. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy did as the doctor instructed and said, "99".
The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."
Again, the guy says, "99."
The doctor said, "Very good Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I am going to hold on to your penis.
Now take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy says, "One. . . two. . . three.
*****
What is the definition of a surprise?
A fart with a lump in it!
Why are turds always tired?
Because they're pooped out!
Q: Did you hear about the new porno movie?
A: It's about a girl whose clitoris is in her ear ... it's called: "Cum Again?"
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
*****
One queer visited another in the hospital. "What did they do?"
he asked the other man lying in the bed.
"They removed my tonsils, pulled out my teeth, and cut
out my hemorrhoids."
"My God!" gasped the visitor, "A complete hysterectomy!"
The 100 Rules Of Porn Movies
(PART 1)
1. When a woman sees a man's penis, she immediately places her mouth on
it. All men have dicks at least 9 inches long and 3 inches wide.
2. Women's panties become soaked with moisture at the slightest suggestion
of sex.
3. All women love to swallow.
4. Men and women always cum at the
same time during sex.
5. Premature ejaculation? Never!
6. Babysitters are the luckiest people on the face of the earth.
7. School teachers and
college professors are the second luckiest people on the face of the
earth.
8. Women really have the best (or full) orgasms only from phallic
intercourse.
9. When a husband finds that his wife has been cheating on
him, he is more turned on than angry.
10. When a woman finds that her
husband wants to watch her fuck other men, she thinks it a swell idea.
11. Pool boys/gardeners/groundskeepers are the third luckiest people on
the face of the earth.
12. A girl's first date leads to her first kiss
before ending with her first fuck.
13. Every woman, no matter what age,
has perfectly trimmed or shaved pubic hair.
14. Kids leave the doors to
their rooms open while they masturbate. Parents leave their doors open
while they have sex.
15. No one ever smells bad, even after having sex
on a cum-soaked mattress for umpteen hours.
16. All men can consistently
deliver 8-10 thick blasts of semen.
17. All black guys are extremely
well hung.
18. All women produce amazing amounts of "juice" that either
flows down their legs or drips from their pussy like a leaky faucet. And
they never dry out, even after hours of non-stop sex.
19. Newspaper carriers (both boys and girls) are the fourth luckiest people on the
face of the earth.
20. Any woman can deep throat any man no matter how
long he is.
21. Forty-year-old divorced guys have no trouble scoring
with large-breasted 18-year-old girls.
22. Forty-year-old divorced women
have large-breasted 18-year-old bodies.
23. Women cum about 20 times
from straight missionary fucking.
24. Oral sex is the only way to wake
your lover up.
25. The wife has a secret stash of "toys" the husband has
no clue about.
(PART 1)
1. When a woman sees a man's penis, she immediately places her mouth on
it. All men have dicks at least 9 inches long and 3 inches wide.
2. Women's panties become soaked with moisture at the slightest suggestion
of sex.
3. All women love to swallow.
4. Men and women always cum at the
same time during sex.
5. Premature ejaculation? Never!
6. Babysitters are the luckiest people on the face of the earth.
7. School teachers and
college professors are the second luckiest people on the face of the
earth.
8. Women really have the best (or full) orgasms only from phallic
intercourse.
9. When a husband finds that his wife has been cheating on
him, he is more turned on than angry.
10. When a woman finds that her
husband wants to watch her fuck other men, she thinks it a swell idea.
11. Pool boys/gardeners/groundskeepers are the third luckiest people on
the face of the earth.
12. A girl's first date leads to her first kiss
before ending with her first fuck.
13. Every woman, no matter what age,
has perfectly trimmed or shaved pubic hair.
14. Kids leave the doors to
their rooms open while they masturbate. Parents leave their doors open
while they have sex.
15. No one ever smells bad, even after having sex
on a cum-soaked mattress for umpteen hours.
16. All men can consistently
deliver 8-10 thick blasts of semen.
17. All black guys are extremely
well hung.
18. All women produce amazing amounts of "juice" that either
flows down their legs or drips from their pussy like a leaky faucet. And
they never dry out, even after hours of non-stop sex.
19. Newspaper carriers (both boys and girls) are the fourth luckiest people on the
face of the earth.
20. Any woman can deep throat any man no matter how
long he is.
21. Forty-year-old divorced guys have no trouble scoring
with large-breasted 18-year-old girls.
22. Forty-year-old divorced women
have large-breasted 18-year-old bodies.
23. Women cum about 20 times
from straight missionary fucking.
24. Oral sex is the only way to wake
your lover up.
25. The wife has a secret stash of "toys" the husband has
no clue about.
A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."
A blond woman goes to the hospital E.R.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong; I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said
"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the sticker's off the bananas"
Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion.
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
A blond woman goes to the hospital E.R.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong; I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said
"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the sticker's off the bananas"
Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion.
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
Speeding On The Bridge
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"
"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"
There was a young man named Keith,
Who liked to be fondled beneath,
When she'd start with her lips,
Mmmmm, he'd wiggle his hips...
But not when the bitch used her teeth!
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"
"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"
There was a young man named Keith,
Who liked to be fondled beneath,
When she'd start with her lips,
Mmmmm, he'd wiggle his hips...
But not when the bitch used her teeth!
Buncha Whats...
1. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!
2. What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends .
3. What's "68"?
You do me and I owe you one.
4. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!
5. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.
6. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
7. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
8. What's the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
9. What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
Nice Dick!"
10. What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toys for Twats.
11. Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?
12. What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in definitely!
13. Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
14. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as a meat substitute.
15. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
16. What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite.
17. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
18. Why is sex like a game of bridge?
You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand.
19. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator.
20. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.
21. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.{{WOOOOOOO HOOOOOO}}
22. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
1. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!
2. What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends .
3. What's "68"?
You do me and I owe you one.
4. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!
5. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.
6. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
7. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
8. What's the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
9. What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
Nice Dick!"
10. What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toys for Twats.
11. Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?
12. What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in definitely!
13. Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
14. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as a meat substitute.
15. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
16. What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite.
17. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
18. Why is sex like a game of bridge?
You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand.
19. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator.
20. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.
21. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.{{WOOOOOOO HOOOOOO}}
22. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
MEN.....
What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.
What do UFOs and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself......
Why is sex like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky? Whisky
improves with age.
Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.
What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Divorced.
What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority.
What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
The Xbuffoon made me promise that I wouldn't say that that actually
happened to him, so I won't tell you.
What is a man?
A life-support machine for a penis.
What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
I wanna be first to kiss the bride, no me, no me........
What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.
Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
There was a young German named Ringer
Who was screwing an opera singer.
Said he with a grin,
"Well, I've sure got it in!"
Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.
What do UFOs and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself......
Why is sex like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky? Whisky
improves with age.
Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.
What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Divorced.
What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority.
What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
The Xbuffoon made me promise that I wouldn't say that that actually
happened to him, so I won't tell you.
What is a man?
A life-support machine for a penis.
What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
I wanna be first to kiss the bride, no me, no me........
What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.
Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
There was a young German named Ringer
Who was screwing an opera singer.
Said he with a grin,
"Well, I've sure got it in!"
Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
Unusual Specialty
Steve and Rob meet in the parking lot as they arrive for work. Steve
says, "Jesus Rob, that's a hell of a smile you're wearing today. What's
the score?"
Rob replies "Well, I went down to the bar last night for a bit of fun
and found myself a wonderful young lady with a rather unusual
specialty."
"Tell me more" says Steve.
"First she takes me back to her place, where she whips my cock out of my
pants and wedges it into a hot-dog bun. Then she packs a couple of
slices of meat around it, adds a bit of cheese, cucumber and pickles,
and tops it off with a squirt of mustard. Then she grabs it with both
hands and slowly eats her way down from tip to balls. It was fantastic."
"Jeez Rob, that sounds great - I hope you kept her phone number?"
"Sure did, Buddy - here it is."
Steve spends all day at work looking forward to the evening's fun; at
five o'clock he's out the door like a ferret up a drainpipe.
Next morning, Rob and Steve meet in the parking lot again, but Steve has
a face like a wet weekend. Rob asks "What's up, couldn't you find her?"
"I found her, all right. She took me back to her place like you said,
but tried something different. She grabs my prick and puts it between
two wafer biscuits, then covers it in Neapolitan ice cream, some fruit
salad, squirts whipped cream all over it, adds strawberry and chocolate
sauce, then tops it all off with a cherry."
"Holy SHIT!" says Rob "That sounds even better than I got - so why the
long face?"
"Well," replies Steve "It looked so good I ate it myself
Steve and Rob meet in the parking lot as they arrive for work. Steve
says, "Jesus Rob, that's a hell of a smile you're wearing today. What's
the score?"
Rob replies "Well, I went down to the bar last night for a bit of fun
and found myself a wonderful young lady with a rather unusual
specialty."
"Tell me more" says Steve.
"First she takes me back to her place, where she whips my cock out of my
pants and wedges it into a hot-dog bun. Then she packs a couple of
slices of meat around it, adds a bit of cheese, cucumber and pickles,
and tops it off with a squirt of mustard. Then she grabs it with both
hands and slowly eats her way down from tip to balls. It was fantastic."
"Jeez Rob, that sounds great - I hope you kept her phone number?"
"Sure did, Buddy - here it is."
Steve spends all day at work looking forward to the evening's fun; at
five o'clock he's out the door like a ferret up a drainpipe.
Next morning, Rob and Steve meet in the parking lot again, but Steve has
a face like a wet weekend. Rob asks "What's up, couldn't you find her?"
"I found her, all right. She took me back to her place like you said,
but tried something different. She grabs my prick and puts it between
two wafer biscuits, then covers it in Neapolitan ice cream, some fruit
salad, squirts whipped cream all over it, adds strawberry and chocolate
sauce, then tops it all off with a cherry."
"Holy SHIT!" says Rob "That sounds even better than I got - so why the
long face?"
"Well," replies Steve "It looked so good I ate it myself
Two Old Friends
Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says,
"I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"
"Oh, no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you
look less attractive."
"I also heard that you've been calling me fat!"
"Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes
you look larger than you really are."
"I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on
his dick!"
"Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his
dick!"
McCreedy is sitting at the bar jerking his meat.
The bartender says, "Look, Mac, you've got to get out of here."
The drunk says, "Are you kiddin'? I can't leave. I can't walk.
Hell, I'm so drunk, I don't even know who I'm fuckin'."
There was a young fool name of Raines,
To get laid, he'd go to great pains,
Never a genius,
He thought with his penis,
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.
Men and women are different.
While a guy is having sex he's thinking how great it would be with a different woman.
While a woman is having sex she's thinking how lousy it is with this guy.
Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says,
"I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"
"Oh, no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you
look less attractive."
"I also heard that you've been calling me fat!"
"Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes
you look larger than you really are."
"I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on
his dick!"
"Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his
dick!"
McCreedy is sitting at the bar jerking his meat.
The bartender says, "Look, Mac, you've got to get out of here."
The drunk says, "Are you kiddin'? I can't leave. I can't walk.
Hell, I'm so drunk, I don't even know who I'm fuckin'."
There was a young fool name of Raines,
To get laid, he'd go to great pains,
Never a genius,
He thought with his penis,
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.
Men and women are different.
While a guy is having sex he's thinking how great it would be with a different woman.
While a woman is having sex she's thinking how lousy it is with this guy.
The Blonde Lottery
A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."
======
A Brunette a Blonde and a Red head are all in the third grade,
who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde,she's eighteen.
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street.
The brunette says to the blonde, "My boyfriend has dandruff so I give him Head and Shoulders."
The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?!?!"
Q. How do you know when a blonde's having a bad day?
A. Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."
======
A Brunette a Blonde and a Red head are all in the third grade,
who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde,she's eighteen.
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street.
The brunette says to the blonde, "My boyfriend has dandruff so I give him Head and Shoulders."
The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?!?!"
Q. How do you know when a blonde's having a bad day?
A. Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Etiquette For Men
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"
e. When his date is using her teeth
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes.
For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of
hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge
is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present
for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddies
birthday is optional.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event,
you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but
you may never ask who's playing.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by
a topless super model... and it's free.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem.
You didn't see nothin'.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.
The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just
a friend" have had carnal drunken rampant sex, the fact
that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to do
it again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"
e. When his date is using her teeth
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes.
For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of
hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge
is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present
for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddies
birthday is optional.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event,
you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but
you may never ask who's playing.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by
a topless super model... and it's free.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem.
You didn't see nothin'.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.
The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just
a friend" have had carnal drunken rampant sex, the fact
that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to do
it again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
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