JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Nursing Home

An old man in a nursing home was celebrating his 83rd birthday. One of the female residents stopped by his room to say hi.
"how are you doing today?" she asked.
"I'm celebrating my birthday, today," the man told the woman,"guess how old I am."
"drop your pants and let me feel your balls," she said.
The old man looked around and decided no one was watching, so he did as the woman said, and she began to feel his balls with her hand.
"you're 83," she said.
"how did you know?" the old man replied.
"you told me yesterday."



Little Johnnie is sitting on the fence, watching a bull with two cows. The preacher walks up, and asks Johnnie what he is doing.

Johnnie replies, "I'm watching that bull fuck the black cow."

The preacher, aghast at the language, tells Johnnie that he should say that the bull is going to SURPRISE the black cow.

Johnnie says, "OK." and the preacher leaves.

The next day, after church, the preacher is shaking hands with all the parishioners as they leave. When Johnnie appears with his parents, the preacher kneels down, smiles, and says, "So, Johnnie, did the bull SURPRISE the black cow?"

Johnnie replies, "He sure did! He fucked the white one!"




A boy came home from school one day. His father asked him how his day was and the boy said, "Well Dad, I looked stupid because I did not know the difference between potential and reality."

His dad says, "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with our next door neighbor for a million dollars."

He came back with a shocked look on his face and said, "Dad, she said, 'Yes!".

"OK son, now go and ask your sister the same question."

A few minutes later he came back, shocked again. "Dad, she said, 'Yes!' also!"

His dad told him, "There you go."

His son looked at him, puzzled. "Dad I still don't understand."

"Look son, POTENTIALLY we are multi-millionaires, but in REALITY we are dead broke and living with a couple of whores."

 

[melody]

Reasons To Be A Single Man

Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.

I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those"
pants.

I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.

I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".

I'd be painting the town instead of the house.

When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.

I could show my girlfriend where I live.

I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.

The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.

I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.

I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!

I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.

I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.

You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every
day of the week!

Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.

Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.

I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.

I could come home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.

I could use my own name at hotels.

I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go
somewhere.

When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're fat!"

 

[melody]

Male illness

*I. Body Aches For Three Days

a. Sex with wife impossible. Masturbation impossib ... ok, I masturbated.

b. Time spent debating wife whether or not to see doctor.

c. "SCREW doctors" wins the day.

d. Sleep the days away.


*II. Upper Respiratory Infection

a. Sex with wife impossible. Masturbation impossib ... ok, I masturbated.

b. Hacking up some pretty scary stuff.

c. Time spent debating wife whether or not to see doctor.

d. screw doctors" wins the day.

e. Can't sleep. Watch reruns of Green Acres.


*III. Ear Infections

a. Sex with wife impossible. Masturbation impossib ... ok, I masturbated.

b. Left ear clogs, pressure mounts.

c. Time spent debating wife whether or not to see doctor.

d. screw doctors" wins the day.

e. Right ear clogs, now almost completely deaf.

f. Impersonation of Helen Keller nearly dead on. "Ruh rim rey rood. Har, har, har."

g. Can't sleep. Watch reruns of Bonanza.


*IV. Break Down and See Doctor

a. "Next time, don't wait. Here, take this, this and this."

b. Sex with wife impossible. Masturbation impossib ... ok, I masturbated.


*V. No Progress, Ears Ringing, See Specialist

a. "Maybe ringing will go away, maybe it won't. Let's see which way it goes. $150 please."

b. Sex with wife impossible. Masturbation impossib ... ok, I masturbated.


*VI: Ears Clear Up, Chest Gets Worse, Ears Reinfect, Chest Gets Better

a. Sex with wife impossible. Masturbation impossib ... ok, I masturbated.

b. Go back to original doctor. "Here, take this, this, this, this this and this. Call me if you bleed out of your ass."

c. Still sick after five weeks.

d. The sound "Fuck doctors" replaces ringing in my ears.

_________________________________________


There was a young lady from Brewster,
Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her,
But her panties were thin,
And my finger slipped in,
And it still just don't smell like it used ter.

 

[melody]

Farmer Johnson

It was around 8:00 on a Friday night. Farmer Johnson was sitting in his living room

listening to his radio when he heard a knock at his door. He stood up and answered the door. The young man standing there said "My name is Joe, I’m here for Flo we are going to the show is she ready to go?"

The farmer called his daughter down the stairs, and she and her date left.

A little while later another young man knocked at the door, and when the farmer answered the door, the young man said, "My name is Eddie, I'm here for Betty, and we’re going steady, is she ready?"

The farmer called his second daughter down the stairs, and she and her date left.

Not too long after that, another young man knocked at the door.

the farmer again answered the door. The young man standing there said, "My name is Chuck, and I drive a truck..."

Before the young man could say another word the farmer shot him dead on the spot.

***********
A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw."

 

[melody]

Getting Married

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started ****** girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
__________

A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his ass-hole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."

 

[melody]

Identical Twins

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so
sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤*

One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor, to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said, "my god you look so depressed."
She said, "You bet I am, look what my damm husband sent me...six dozen roses. Now you know what that means? I'm going to have to spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread."
"Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase?"

 

[melody]

Mommy, Mommy....

Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big!
Shut up son and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in.

Mommy, Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here!
Shut up son or I'll flush it again.

Mommy, Mommy! What's a delinquent child?
Shut up son and light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up son and deal.

Mommy, Mommy! What's a delinquent child?
Shut up son and pass me the crowbar.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up son and get the barbecue sauce.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up son or I'll chop off the other leg!

Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Shut up son and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! the kids next door are calling me a three headed dragon!
Shut up son and don't you worry. Three heads are always better than one.

Mommy, Mommy!, I don't want to go to China!
Shut up son and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy!, why is Daddy running so fast?
Shut up son and reload.

Mommy, Mommy!, can I wear a bra now? I'm 14!
Shut up Stanley.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up son and get back in the box!

Mommy, Mommy! Jimmy is biting grandma's nail!
Stop it Jimmy, or I am closing the coffin lid.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want my hair braided!
Shut up son and lift the other arm.

Mommy, Mommy! Am I done with my bath yet?
Shut up son or I'll flush you down.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
Not today son, you've already dug her up three times this week.

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up son and lift the dart board higher!

Mommy, Mommy! Why is everybody running away?
Shut up son and reload.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up son and accelerate!

Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise!
Shut up son and eat around it.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate tomato juice!
Shut up son and drink it before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy vomited!
Shut up son and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big pieces.

Mommy, Mommy ! When is the pool going to be ready?
Shut up son and keep pissing.

Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up son and comb your face.

Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm?
Shut up son and hump faster, you'll soon find out.

Mummy, Mummy!, Julie won't come skipping with me!
Don't be cruel son, you know it makes her stumps bleed.

 

[melody]

Hilarious Q's & A's

Q: What's the name of the new Catholic sperm bank?
A: "Kingdom Come."

Q: How is a bikini like a barbed-wire fence?
A: It protects the property without obstructing the view.

Q: How did they know Jesus was Jewish?
A: Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother thought he was god -- and he thought his mother was a
virgin.

Q- What if mini-skirts got any shorter?
A- Well, there'll be two more cheeks to powder and much more hair to comb.

Q- What do you call 2 Irish gays??
A- Ben Dover and Phil McAvity.

Q- How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
A- The kid stutters.

Q: Why are men like the letter Q?
A: Because it is a big fat zero with a small protrusion.

Q: What do you call a coke bottle full of bees?
A: A West Virginia Vibrator

Q; What's the basic plot for a romance novel set in the inner city?
A: In the end, the hero gets the heroin.

Q: Why did the homosexual suspect his live-in lover had been cheating on him?
A: Because he came home shit-faced.

Q. Did you hear about the faggot undertaker?
A. He called his mates around to suck on a few cold ones!

Q: How many kids with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: Let's go ride bikes!

Yo momma's so fat when God said let there be light, he told her to move
her ass over.

Q: How many Irishman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

Q: What is the definition of a bachelor?
A: It's some guy who's depriving some woman of her God-given right to alimony.

Q. What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
A. They go forwards, backwards, forwards, and backwards, stop and eject!

 

[melody]

More Things A Man Will Never Say:

* I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
* I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
* Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
* I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are
open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
* No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
* Better get ride of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't
look at them anymore.
* I understand.
* This movie has too much nudity.
* Damn, we're late for church.
* No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
* Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
* Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
_______


A construction worker comes home one day to find his wife in bed
with another man.

Seeing this, he gets pissed, grabs the man by his package, and
takes him to the garage, where he puts the mans stuff in a vice,
and cranks it down hard and takes off the handle. After he does
this, he grabs a saw.

The other guy says "You're not gonna cut it off, are you?"

The construction worker says, "No, you are. I'm gonna set the
garage on fire."

 

[melody]

The Pickle Factory

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the
pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,

but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once
that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My! God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired"

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."
____________

A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is
going down the line giving them all tickets. A little old lady comes
walking up to the girl at the end of the line and says, "What're ya all
doin' here in line like this?" The girl is annoyed, so to be a
smart-ass, she says, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops."
The little old lady says, "Oh, that's nice. I didn't have one in so
long, I think I'll get in line here with ya." So she gets in line, and a
few minutes later the cop gets to this little, shriveled-up old lady.
He says, "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?" She looks him right
in the eye and says, "As long as they keep makin' 'em, I'm gonna keep
suckin' on 'em.

 

[melody]

This guy was having sex with a young girl. He'd just started stroking in and out when she screamed. "What's wrong baby?" He asked, genuinely concerned. "I don't know," she answered, "It hurts a lot." "A lot? what do you mean a lot?" prompted the guy eager to finish the job at hand. "I don't know," replied the young girl, "every time you push it just hurts me." "Well maybe if you describe the pain, we can work out what's causing it." "Well Okay," said the girl, "Uhhm, the pain is excruciating." "Excruciating!" retorted the flabbergasted man, "Where the fuck does a six year old girl learn a word like excruciating!!?"

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

Dear Abby,
I've been going out with this girl for a couple of weeks now and I really like her and want to take the relationship to the next level. I have one problem though. On our first date she told me she was sick, but I can't remember if she said she had TB or VD. What should I do?
Lovelorn, Portland, OR

Dear Lovelorn:
If she coughs up a lot of phlegm and blood, fuck her.

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

Singa song of syphilis,a fanny fulla crabs
Four and twenty blackheads, twice as many scabs
When the scabs pop open, heads began to sing
Wasn't that a dirty cunt, to stick your penis in.

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

My young son asked me what happens after we die.

I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.

I guess I should have told him the truth, that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally while demons rip the rotting flesh from our bodies, but I didn't want to upset him.

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

So this guy goes out looking for the skankiest, sleaziest whore he can find, because he wants a REALLY kinky experience. So he finds one and takes her to a cheap motel.
He gets down between her legs to go down on her and to his delight, there is a septic boil between her pussy and her asshole.
He starts sucking the puss out of it.
After about 10 minutes she exclaims: "I have to piss."
"It's okay," he answers, "piss on me."
So she does, and he drinks it, letting some dribble down his chin.
A little later she says "Sorry, but I have diarrhea -- I really have to go."
"It's okay," he answers, "do it on me."
So she does, and he lets it go all over his mouth and face, and smears it all over himself, and swallows some of it.
So he's REALLY into it, licking the shit and piss and pus off her pussy and ass, when he glances up and notices she's picking her nose.
He jumps up and shouts:
"What are you trying to DO, bitch?! Gross me out?!"

 

[melody]

HOW A MAN CAN TELL IF A WOMAN HAS PMS:

1. She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.

2. She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.

3. You ask her what time it is, and she replies, "What do you mean I look fat?!"

4. She makes you sleep on the couch because all the potato chips and cheese
doodles have taken up your side of the bed.

5. She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing
hysterically while riding a broom.

6. Her jeans grow 2 sizes larger while her canine teeth grow 2 inches longer.

7. She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.

8. She retains more water than Lake Superior.

9. She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic
and "chambers one."

10. She buys you a new T-shirt-----with a bulls-eye on the front.

11. You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says,
"All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"

12. She answers every question with the same answer, "Over my dead body!"

13. She's more paranoid than O.J. Simpson in a Bruno Magli shoe store.

14. She looks at you thru her thumb and index finger and makes the I'll
squish your tiny head" gesture.

15. She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.

16. She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.

17. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

18. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

19. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

20. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

21. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

22. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

23. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

24. You're counting down the days until menopause.

25. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

26. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

 

[melody]

True Love

Little Johnny came home from his hot date and sat down to talk with his dad. He had a smile on his face. 'It must be true love, dad' he sighed.

'What makes you think that it is true love?' asks his dad.

'Well," says Little Johnny, 'Suzy started out giving me the best blow job I've ever had.'

'Nah,' replied his dad, 'that's not true love, it is just lust.'

The next night Little Johnny came in after his date, and sat down again to talk with his dad. 'For sure it is true love, dad.' he said.

'What makes you think that it is true love this time?' asks his dad.

'Well," says Little Johnny, 'Tonight Suzy gave me the best blow job of my life, then let me take her up the ass!'

'That's not true love, Johnny,' replied his dad, 'that is just infatuation.'

'If what Suzy and I have is just infatuation, then what is true love?' asked Little Johnny, confused.

'Well,' says his dad, 'if it was true love, she would let you fuck her up the ass first, then give you the best blow job of your life!'

======

A man was in a bar and overheard the milkman boasting that he had made love to all the women in his street apart from one. When he arrived home he related what he had heard to his wife. She said "I bet it's that stuck up bitch at No. 23.

======

There was a young lady called Valerie
Who started to count every calorie.
Said her boss in disgust,
"If you lose half your bust,
Then you're worth only half of your salary."

 

[melody]

Beer ~vs~ Pussy

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football
game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are
normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you
are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you
back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

 

[melody]

Some Things You Just Can't Explain.

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes
in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful
day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got
the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got
the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the
bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the
right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as
got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with
her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and
tied her tail to the rafter.
In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
Some things you just can't explain.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

DID YOU KNOW...Frozen shrimp left sitting out for about 3 days in a
small enclosed area tends to smell like the vagina of an 80 year old
hooker?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

George meets up with a friend on the street, and the friend can tell
George is really pissed. He asks him what the matter is.
George replies, "The people at Victoria's Secret are SO rude. There I am
in their store and I'm trying to buy some panties for my lady, and I'm
picking some out... and the manager asks me to leave!! All I was trying to do
was decide which ones I liked.
So - I took the panties out of my mouth and took my business elsewhere."

---------- Post added at 05:52 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 11:54 AM ----------

The 98 Year Old Man

There was a 98 year old man who moved into a nursing home.
For his age, he was very fit and in really good shape. The nursing
home's doctor came in to give him his physical and the man said,
"How old do you think I am?"
The doctor checked his heart and lungs and had him do a few
exercises and said, "I would say you were around 78."
The old man smiled told the doctor that he was actually 98
years old.
The man was walking out of the doctor's office and saw a
little old lady sitting there. She was pretty gray and was all
bent over. The man said to the lady, "How old do you think I am?"
She looked him over pretty good then told him to pull down
his pants. He did as he was told. Then she told him to pull his
underwear down also. He obeyed. She reached over and fondled his
various parts and counterparts. She kept this up for quite
sometime. She appeared to be in deep concentration. She finally
looked up at the man and said, "I'd say you were 98."
The man was stunned! He said, "How could you tell?"
"I heard you tell the doctor."

========

"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," reports Sadie to her
friend Sophie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant,
has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends."
"Oh, my daughter's a whore too."

========

Q: How can you tell if a girl is a genuine redneck?
A: When she can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time, and know what to spit
and what to swallow.

Q: What is your first clue that a guy is a fag?
A: He only checks his appearance in his rear-view mirror.

Q: Why should you be suspicious of any guy who keeps passing gas around you?
A: Because farts are faggots' mating calls.

 

[melody]

Paul's Advice To Girls

"Advice For Young Girlfriends"

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to
love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as
emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember
is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes,
however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem
strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed.
After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave
you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf.
Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar
for the purpose of consuming large
amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies.
Don't feel left out -- while he's
gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or
perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do
after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few
beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an
expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true.
The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer
than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual
organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your
lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

 

[melody]

True Love

Little Johnny came home from his hot date and sat down to talk with his dad. He had a smile on his face. 'It must be true love, dad' he sighed.

'What makes you think that it is true love?' asks his dad.

'Well," says Little Johnny, 'Suzy started out giving me the best blow job I've ever had.'

'Nah,' replied his dad, 'that's not true love, it is just lust.'

The next night Little Johnny came in after his date, and sat down again to talk with his dad. 'For sure it is true love, dad.' he said.

'What makes you think that it is true love this time?' asks his dad.

'Well," says Little Johnny, 'Tonight Suzy gave me the best blow job of my life, then let me take her up the ass!'

'That's not true love, Johnny,' replied his dad, 'that is just infatuation.'

'If what Suzy and I have is just infatuation, then what is true love?' asked Little Johnny, confused.

'Well,' says his dad, 'if it was true love, she would let you fuck her up the ass first, then give you the best blow job of your life!'

======

A man was in a bar and overheard the milkman boasting that he had made love to all the women in his street apart from one. When he arrived home he related what he had heard to his wife. She said "I bet it's that stuck up bitch at No. 23.

======

There was a young lady called Valerie
Who started to count every calorie.
Said her boss in disgust,
"If you lose half your bust,
Then you're worth only half of your salary."

 

[melody]

Nymphomaniac

Doug took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment.
"This Is one hot potato of a lady, Doctor," he said. "Maybe
you can do something for her?
She goes for any man, and I get very jealous."

"We'll see," the doctor said. He directed the missus into his
examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to
undress. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table
on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and
squirm. It was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on
top of her and began to screw her.

Doug suddenly heard moans and groans coming from the room.
Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door, only to be
confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife banging away.

"Doctor, what are you doing?" he asked.

The flustered doctor said, "Oh, it's you, Doug? I'm only taking
your wife's temperature!"

Doug opened his switchblade knife and began to wipe it on his
sleeve very deliberately. "Ok Doc,....." he said, "but when you
take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!"


What did the gay guy ask his boyfriend ?
"Does this condom make me look fat ?"

Q: What do you call a gay guy in the deep South?
A: Ho-mo-sex-y'all


An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

 

[melody]

New Q's & A's

What's the sex change theme song?
Yes, We Have No Bananas!

How do you get a nun pregnant?
F**k her!

Why did the priest get AIDS?
He forgot to clean his organ between hymns!

What would you call a girl who's fat and perverted?
A bisexual built for two!

What happens when you're feeling low?
Your date slaps you!

What is French asthma?
You can only catch your breath in snatches!

Why should you always travel with a six-pack in the winter?
In case you have to leave a message in the snow!

What's smaller than a flea's a$$hole?
Flea sh*t!

What's a gay astronaut's greatest ambition?
To visit Uranus!

What's the best way to make yourself last with your girlfriend?
Let everyone else go first!

What's next to the Andes?
The Amoses!

Why are squirrels like faggots?
Sometimes they have nuts in their mouths!

Do girls like paintings of nude men in their living rooms?
Yes, as long as they're hung well!

What do you find under the hood in an Italian car?
His girlfriend!

What would you call a Scotch queer?
Ben Doon!
And his boyfriend?
Phil McCrevis!

How can you tell if an Indian is gay?
All his scalps have handles!

What's worse than a piano that's out of tune?
An organ that stops working in the middle of a piece!

Who wears pink tights and drives a chariot?
Ben Gay!

What should you do if your date yells, "I can't take it any longer!"?
Tell her not to worry; it's not gonna get any longer!

What did the Indian say when the prostitute tied a knot in his pecker?
"How come!"

How did Adolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer get his name?
He could run as fast as Rudolph, he just couldn't stop as fast!

How can you tell if a bride is anxious?
She comes walking down the aisle!

Why is it stupid for a man to get a little bit on the side?
Because there's so much more around the front!

What's the difference between "oooh" and "aahhh?"
About three inches!

Why did the guy trade his wife for a Datsun pickup?
It had a smaller box and a smoother ride!

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, One to change the bulb, one to write about the socket being
exploited and one to wish she was the socket!

 

[melody]

Black Sponge

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.
He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."
A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"
She replies, "I lost it, honey."
A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"
Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"


The night before her wedding, Wendy talked with her mother. "Mom," she
said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor,
and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to screw, mother," Wendy interrupted. "I want you to teach
me how to make a great lasagna."


Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.

Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
They can't keep their calves together!


You are suffering form what is technically known as an Electra Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient.
"In other words, you are in love with your father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."
"Yes..(snif)...yes, it is," gets out the blonde between sobs.
"I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"