JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING
Kissing/Light Petting:

What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww! "
**

Undressing

What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"
**

Foreplay/Oral Sex

What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."
**

Penetration

What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"
**

Your Orgasm

What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance. "
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"
**

Postcoital Bliss

What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."

 

[melody]

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.

Can I help you?" the madam asked.

I want Natalie," the old man replied.

Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."

"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."

Yes; I know, said the old man. She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

======

Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.

Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy

Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
A. Cum in five different flavors.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

 

[melody]

The 100 Rules Of Porn Movies
Part 2

26. Anal sex requires very little preparation time. Even
the first time.
27. Married men love fantasizing about their wives
having sex with other men, and they will jump at the chance to let that
fantasy come true.
28. A woman whose male lover has spurned her will
invariably be a dyke by the end of the story.
29. Who needs condoms?
30. Young males get hard almost immediately after ejaculation (if they
indeed lose erection at all) and are able to perform on multiple women
(i.e. their own mothers and the mother's three female friends).
31. If a woman has small breasts, she will always have dark, pointy, otherwise
amazing nipples.
32. She also makes up for her deficiency by having a
tight ass and a ravenous sexual appetite.
33. A back rub ALWAYS leads to
something else.
34. If a married man's wife has a sister, the sister
will be a bombshell sexpot (more beautiful than his wife) who is just
aching for a chance to leap in the sack with him.
35. Anyone caught in the act of masturbation won't stop, but will instead continue to
completion.
36. Older men always prefer younger girls, no matter how
air-headed they may be.
37. Older women are desirable only to younger,
teenaged boys... but fortunately, those older women are more than
willing to teach those teenage boys how to do it right.
38. Parents routinely leave porn tapes and sex toys lying around the house for
babysitters and children to find.
39. Videos enhance sex. A sexually
conservative wife/girlfriend will immediately become an insatiable slut
after watching a hot tape.
40. No sexually active teenagers have zits.
41. If a guy has a female friend who's a stripper, he'll end up
backstage doing all her co-workers.
42. If a girl has a male friend
who's a stripper, she'll end up backstage getting gangbanged.
43. Long hair never gets in the way.
44. Your girlfriend's mum is a carbon copy
of her daughter and she's just as horny.
45. And your best friend's mum
looks like a sex goddess and hasn't had a good fuck in years.
46. The guy can always stick it into the girl without missing or fumbling, even
the first time.
47. Even after drinking.
48. When visiting married
friends not seen since high school/college, you must first smoke pot and
get a good buzz going before fucking your friend's wife in the ass while
your own spouse wolfs down gallons of your buddy's come like it was Diet
Coke.
49. Flashback mode seems to work best here.
50. Men never lose their erection in the middle of things.

 

[melody]

Pending divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!

____________

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a drink and says to the bartender, “all lawyers are assholes” and the guy at the end of the bar says “you better take that back” The drunk man goes, why, are you a lawyer? The man says no, I’m an asshole.

Q. How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
A. If his mouth is moving!

 

[melody]

Confessional

A guy goes inside the confessional and says:
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What did you do, my son?"

"Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night,
and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When
I turned on my flashlight, I saw two men having sex."

"Oh, so you were the asshole with the flashlight?



There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch,
Had a catch that would latch;
She could only be screwed by Houdini.


There was a young fellow of Harrow
Whose john was the size of a marrow.
He said to his tart,
"How's this for a start?
My balls are outside in a barrow."



Q. Why do blonde nurses carry a red Magic Marker?
A. In case they have to draw blood.

Q. Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?
A. They have to pull their own pants down.

Q. What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?
A. A blonde standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter

 

[melody]

Male Bashing...Q's & A's

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

 

[melody]

MIRROR, MIRROR

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Should I really shave my balls?
If I don't, she'll surely bitch,
Does she care how much I'll itch?

Take the razor and lather up,
(Gawd that bitch is so corrupt)
Don't she care that I could slip?
Shave my balls - and cut off my dick?

Easy now - hands don't shake,
She'll call me "Stumpy" with one mistake.
Pubes in her teeth she really can't bear,
If I want some head - get ridda the hair.

So I shave my balls all nice and slick,
Did it up nice - without one nick!
"Feel 'em baby - they're so smooth!"
"Take off your clothes - get in the groove!"

She looks at me from our little bed,
"I'm sleepy, Baby - ain't givin' no head!"
She rolls on over - and gives me her back,
I'm so pissed off - I'm about to crack!

Next day it's breakfast in the sheets,
I spoon her bites which she gladly eats.
And I must confess I think it's fair,
That her omelet was made with pubic hair!
--------
What Do You Call A 1000 Pound Woman On A Bar Stool With A New Condom?
A. 1/2 Ton Pickup With Good Rubber!

Q. Have you heard about the new feminine hygiene spray created by SSY?
A. You know, they're the company that took the PU out of pussy.

Q. How do you get a really old, skanky whore lubricated?
A. Stick in a couple of fingers, scratch off some scabs, and let the puss run.

 

[melody]

Thoughts On Sex

... Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

... No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take
it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

... There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when
they fall in love.

... What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in
the stick.

... Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are
going to get or how long it is going to last.

... Love comes in spurts.

... Virginity can be cured.

... Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

... Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

... If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will
follow.

... Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
amount of trouble.

... Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

... Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a
lot of frogs.

... There may be some things better than sex, and some things
worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

... You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine
women.

... Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

... Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

... A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the
women he couldn't.

... A man in the house is worth two in the street.

... When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
listening to him.

... Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

... The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually
the same ones she can't stand years later.

... It is always the wrong time of month.

... The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

... When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

... Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

... Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think
you've got.

... Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are
you won't either.

... Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. Then on Sunday pray for
crop failure.

... The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

... It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground
that caused the trouble in the garden.

... Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

... Love is a hole in the heart.

... Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

 

[melody]

Parenting FAQ's

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, generally 35 children are enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant
woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good
for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel
during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room
while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her
plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to
feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

 

[melody]

Snow Whites Mission
Ever wonder how the seven dwarfs got their names?

Miss Snow White was a randy cow,
And desperate for a fuck.
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck!

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke.
Then stumbled on a cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven Dwarfs came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven!
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My cunt now needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop you prick!"

So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that!"
"Not there, that me ass-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL!
Unless you're fucking queer!"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho"
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling,
'Cos he hadn't had a sniff.
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY idiot",
So he did as he was told.
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow
And she took him in quite easy.
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner had he entered her,
Than he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY idiot"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her cunt raw.
And dazed Snow White then whimpered,
"That should be against the law!"

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big dick."

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My cunt can't take no more.!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had put their cocks.
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last one DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's what happened to that cup?
Well think of what you're drinking...
When you next buy 7-UP

 

[melody]

The Mortician

A strange looking man walked into a funeral home and said to the mortician, "I will give you $100 for the vagina of the blonde lying in that casket in the front room."
The mortician looks at the guy in disgust, "Are you mad?" he replies, "I could lose my license!"
"How about the $200 then!" the man says.
The mortician thought about this for a moment, then said, "All right, you have a deal, but keep it quiet OK?"
Locking the doors and pulling the drapes, he went to work, scalpel in hand.
In minutes he was holding a dripping bloody pussy at arms length, and he asked nervously, "How would you like it wrapped?"
"Nevermind wrapping it," said the man, "I will eat it here!"
_______

Harry's wife had died, and at the funeral Harry was in a terrible state. He kept crying, yelling, pulling his hair and wailing. "What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?"
The priest took pity on the poor man and went over to him. "My son," said the priest, "I know this is hard on you, but eventually the pain will go away and you will find another woman, marry again and forget about all this in the years to come."
"Yeah, Yeah Reverend, I know all that," Harry sobbed, "But who's gonna cook my dinner and give me a blow job tonight?"

_______

THERE once was a girl from Mitchen
Who was scratching her twat in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose, You’ve got crabs I suppose."
She said, "Yes and the fuckers are itchin’!"

There once was a girl from Azores,
Whose cunt was all covered in sores,
the men who got pussed,
were desperate for lust,
and licked up what was left in her drawers.

 

[melody]

30 WAYS TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A FUNERAL!

1) Tell the widow that the deceased last wish was that she make love to you!
2) Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens!
3) Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first!
4) Tell the widow that you are the deceased gay lover!
5) Ask someone to take a photo of you shaking hands with the deceased!
6) At the cemetery, play a Kazoo!
7) Walk around telling people that you have seen the will and they are not in it!
8) Ask the widow to give you a French kiss!
9) Drive behind the widow's funeral car and keep honking your horn!
10) Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask him if he will sneak it into the coffin!
11) Put a hard boiled egg into the mouth of the deceased!
12) Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow!
13) Leave some phoney dog poo on the deceased!
14) Tell the widow that you have to leave early and can she read the will before the funeral is over!
15) Urge the widow to donate the deceased wooden leg to someone poor who needs firewood!
16) Walk around telling people that the deceased did not like them!
17) Use the deceased tongue to lick a stamp!
18) Ask the widow for the ten dollars that the deceased owed you!
19) Take up a collection to pay off the deceased gambling debts!
20) Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on!
21) Put super glue on the deceased lips just before the widow's last kiss!
22) Show up at the funeral in a clown suit!
23) If the widow cries blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose!
24) When no one is looking put plastic vampire teeth in the deceased mouth!
25) Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and shout, "MAGGOTS, MAGGOTS!" and then pretend to faint!
26) At the cemetery take bets on how long the body takes to decompose!
27) Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin!
28) Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried!
29) Tell everyone that you are from the IRS and that you are confiscating the coffin for back taxes!
30) Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he will laugh while praising the deceased!

 

[melody]

How to Shower Like A Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you
see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg
cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint
conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave
on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub
for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray
mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a
small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and
towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along
the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire
the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face.

6. Wash your armpits

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water
rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at
how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor
because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light
and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If
you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and
make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

 

[melody]

Three Daughters

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life.

The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffee-house". The mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said: "Satisfaction to the last drop", so Mother was happy.

The second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; "Four Square Cigarettes". So the mother looks for the ad, and it says; "LIVE LIFE KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted.

The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS"!

=====
One hot, humid afternoon, a man sat in a reclining lawn chair, reading and sipping iced tea while his wife mowed the lawn.
The woman next door is outraged. "Aren't you ashamed, making your wife mow the lawn in this heat? You ought to be hung!"
"I am," replied the man with a smile. "That's why my wife is mowing the lawn!"
=====

There was a young fellow named Charteris
Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
She said, "I don't mind,
And up higher you'll find
The place where my fucker and farter is."

___________________________

 

[melody]

Drawn Out Revenge

Little boy walks into a whorehouse with a dead frog in one hand, and a wad of bills in the other.
He goes up to the counter and says " I want 10 minutes with the filthiest, nastiest whore you've got in here" The lady at the counter says "How old are you?"
The little boy lays 500 bucks on the counter.
She says " First door on your right."
He says, " She has to have herpes and syphilis"
Lady says " I'm sorry but I can't do that"
Little boy slams 500 dollars more on the counter.
Lady says, "Okay, Second to last door on your right."

10 minutes later the little boy comes out, dragging the dead frog behind him.
As he leaves the lady says "Why are you dragging a dead frog behind you?
And for that matter, why did you want such a filthy whore?"
The little boy says " Well, now that I've got these STD's I'll go home and screw the babysitter tonight, then when dad gets home he'll screw her to and he'll get it.
Then before dad goes to work he'll screw mommy, and she'll get it.
Then while daddy's at work mommy'll screw that sonovabitch mailman that ran over my frog this morning!!"



A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"F*ck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f*cking good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

 

[melody]

Things You Wish You Could Say With A Hallmark Card

" Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking "
" Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife. "
" How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby. "
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind. "
" I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you. "
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me. "
" If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy... "
" Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again. "
" Someday I hope to get married, but not to you. "
" Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Life-like!"
" When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise. "
" I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys. "
" We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits. "
" I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
" Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? "
" You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. "
" Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep."

 

[melody]

The Butchers Boy

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"


A man has six children and he is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and he wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “shall we go home, Mother of Six?” His wife irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts back, “anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”


An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to his wife and, "Muffin, I feel like making love tonight,” the wife replied, "Ok Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time." "But I am always gentle with you, dearest,"
"That’s not true, she replied, "the last time you woke me up TWICE!"

 

[melody]

MALE DICTIONARY FOR FEMALES

Just in case we don't understand one another.

1."I'm going fishing" -
Means.. "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety"

2. "It's a guy thing" -
Means.. "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

3. "Can I help with dinner?" -
Means.. "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

4. "Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear" -
Means.. Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.

5. "It would take too long to explain" -
Means.. "I have no idea how it works".

6. "We're going to be late" -
Means.. "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac".

7. "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind"
Means.. "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra".

8. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard" -
Means.. "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner".

9. "That's interesting dear" -
Means.. "Are you still talking?"

10."It's a really good movie" -
Means.. "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women".

11."That's women's work" -
Means.. "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless".

12."You know how bad my memory is" -
Means.. "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday or our anniversary."

13."I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses" -
Means.. "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe".

14."Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal" -
Means.. "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt".

15."Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing" -
Means.. "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon".

16."I can't find it" -
Means.. "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless".

17."What did I do this time?" -
Means.. "What did you catch me at?"

18."I heard you" -
Means.. "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

19."You know I could never love anyone else" -
Means.. "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse".

20."You look terrific" -
Means.. "Oh God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving!"

21."I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are" -
Means.. "No one will ever see us alive again".

22."We share the housework" -
Means.. "I make the messes, she cleans them up".

 

[melody]

Striking Gold

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came
down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest
town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest, toughest and roughest hooker in the
Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second
room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the
hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the
stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and
yelled,

"I'm looking for the meanest, roughest and toughest hooker in the
Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You
found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don't replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to
open those beers first."

=======

Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes' gardener that there was a doubtful looking schoolgirl in Holmes' bedroom.

Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69.

"Good God Holmes!" said Watson, "What kind of a schoolgirl is this?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary."

 

[melody]

Payback's A Bitch

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

=====
What is the difference between a family reunion and a 69er?
A) With a 69er you've only gotta kiss one cunt!
=====
A salesman knocks on a house door. Little Johnny answers the door, dressed in a pair of underpants, huge joint in one hand and a can of beer in the other.
"Hello little boy, is your Mummy or Daddy in?"
"What the fuck do you think?"