JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Useless Penis Facts

*Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
*Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
*Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
*Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons
*Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
*Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour
*Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
*Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150
*Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches
*Average length when erect: 5.1
*Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch
*Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches
*Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)
*Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet
*Most arousing time of day/season for a man: Early morning/fall
*Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight
*Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ
*Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
*Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%
*Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%
*Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks
*Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
*Average # of erections during the night: 9
*Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
*The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)
*Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds
*Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours
*Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)
*Shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie: 7 years
*Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100
*Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm
*Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm
*Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm
*# of times condoms are thicker than plastic wrap: Almost 6
*In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet.
*Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste.
*Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.
*Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a pleasant and sugary taste. Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc. (drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)
*Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie.
*Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower.
*It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood,' a name for an a.m. erection.
*Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.

 

[melody]

Jack The Young Redneck

Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack. Jack
lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmer's wife and their
daughter Mabel.

One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel
bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become aroused for the
first time and, shocked, ran to find the farmer to explain this strange
phenomena.

Upon finding the farmer he proceeded to drop his trousers and whip out
his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the farmer.

"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"

"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.

"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."

"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.

"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the
milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick. It'll go down
quick smart, trust me."

The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and saw the
farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting hard he rushed
into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked up two handful of
shit. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.

"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.

"Well," Jack replied,"I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to make it go
down."

"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the ground and
lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"

So he did. Both hands full of shit!


Q: How do you know when your sister has AIDS?
A: Your Dad's cock tastes funny.

Q: What's dangerous and eats nuts?
A: Syphilis.

Q: What do you call a homosexual dinosaur?
A: A Megasorarse!

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: A Lickalotapuss!

 

[melody]

The Blonde Date

A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at a
"lovers point" where they started making out. After things started
getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her "Do
you want to get into the back seat?"

"NO!" she answered.

Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet.

Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things
are getting really hot, so he asks again,

"Do you want to get into the back seat?" "NO!" she answers again.

Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his
pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.

"Do you want to get into the back seat NOW?" he asks again.

"NO!" she answers yet again.

Frustrated, he demands "Well, why not!"

"Because I want to stay up here with you!"

=====

One day suddenly the husband has an heart attack. He says before dying, "When I die, dear, cut off my penis and attach to the wall of our bedroom. When you feel like having sex start pumping on it. "He dies and his wife does exactly what he said.

Three of her neighbours come to know about this. They plan to make a hole in the wall and insert their penis from backside.

The first man tries it. As usual the woman starts sucking and pumping on it.

The second man tries it and the same thing happens.

When the third man tries it the woman comes, cuts the penis from the wall with a knife and says, "come on darling we are shifting to another house."

=====

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show

=====

There was a young dancer, Priscillla,
Who flavored her cunt with vanilla.
The taste was so fine,
Men and beasts stood in line,
Including a stud Armadillo.

 

[melody]

There's Two Sides To Every Story:

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing
the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what
I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I
was trying to breathe.

 

[melody]

Communicating

The management does however realize the importance of each person being
able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow
workers. Therefore, management has compiled the following coded list. It
is imperative that all employees understand and memorize the coded
phrase so the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue:


New Phrase: I'm not certain that's feasible.
Old Phrase: No fucking way.
~~
New Phrase: Really?
Old Phrase: You've got to be shitting me.
~~
New Phrase: Perhaps you should check with...[Insert name here]
Old Phrase: Tell someone who gives a rat's ass.
~~
New Phrase: Of course I'm concerned.
Old Phrase: Ask me if I give a shit.
~~
New Phrase: I was not involved with that project.
Old Phrase: It's not my fucking problem.
~~
New Phrase: Interesting behavior...
Old Phrase: What the fuck?
~~
New Phrase: Perhaps I can work late.
Old Phrase: When the fuck do they expect me to do this?
~~
New Phrase: He's not familiar with this problem.
Old Phrase: He's got his head up his ass.
~~
New Phrase: You don't say.
Old Phrase: Eat shit.
~~
New Phrase: Excuse me?
Old Phrase: Eat shit and die.
~~
New Phrase: Excuse me, sir?
Old Phrase: Eat shit and die, motherfucker.
~~
New Phrase: They weren't happy with it?
Old Phrase: What the fuck do they want from me?
~~
New Phrase: So you would like some help?
Old Phrase: Kiss my ass.
~~
New Phrase: I love a challenge.
Old Phrase: This job sucks.
~~
New Phrase: You want me to take care of this?
Old Phrase: Who died and left you boss?
~~
New Phrase: I see.
Old Phrase: Blow me.

Q: What is the favorite fast food place for queers?
A: Burger Queen.
Q: What do you call a queer who has been lynched by the KKK?
A: A fagpole.

Q: What is the most common pickup line used by black guys?
A: "Scream, and I'll kill you."

Q: Did you hear about the new all-black western movie that just came out?
A: It's called, "Ride, Motherfucker, Ride."

 

[melody]

Snow White Was Sleepy

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights," she went upstairs.

Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.

Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally, Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods, so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" And from the next dwarf down to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too.


There was a young butcher named Seaver,
Whose gal craved a clean shaven beaver.
He would soap up her crotch,
With a mirror she'd watch,
As he shaved her blond pubes with his cleaver.

 

[melody]

Roses And Violet

Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
Lift up your shirt
And show us your tits

Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over love
You're about to get fisted

Roses are crap
Violets are wanky
Oooh I've just come
Pass me a hanky

Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
Cause here comes my willy

Roses make me laugh
Violets make me bitter
You're a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter

Roses are red
But I like Carnations
You're so bad in bed
That I fucked your Alsation

Roses are red
Violets are finer
Chickens are fowl
Just like your vagina

Roses are red
That's elementary
Let's call up a friend
And try double entry

Roses are shit
Violets are crap
Show me your clit
And I'll come in your lap

Roses are red
Skidmarks are brown
Gimmie a blow job
And swallow it down

Roses are groovy
Violets are funky
I'm thinking of you
And spanking my monkey

 

[melody]

"Hey, Can You Give Me A Hand?".

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man
with no arms comes up to him and says
"Hey, can you give me a hand?"
Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help.
He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes
out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy.
Imagining the bonus he will get come judgement day, he continues to hold
the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back
up in his pants.
"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says
"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with
your Johnson?"
Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know,
but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"
=====
You know how your Mommy used to kiss you good night?
Think about it . . . she might have just finished giving Daddy a blow job . . .
Yo' mama's so fat that after I fucked her I rolled over twice and I was still on the bitch.

 

[melody]

An Amish Boy

A young Amish boy, Little Johnny, is sitting on his bed reading
The Bible. Suddenly, his father storms in, grabs him and drags
him out into the pasture. In the pasture is one sheep chewing
grass. His father points to the sheep and says, "Thou hast had
sex with yon sheep!"

Little Johnny kneels and says, "Father forgive me for I did
indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast."

Saddened his father says, "Thou art forgiven my son. But know
this... there will be REAL trouble if I taste it again!!!"

TTTTT

Two kids playing in a lane found a donkey who had died with a
hard on.

Being the mischievous kind of boys, they cut off the donkey's
dick and began brandishing it in the air.

Just then, a police officer on his bicycle came up the lane, and
the boys not wanting to be caught with it, tossed it over the
wall of the Nunnery.

Sister Agnes and Sister Mary taking their afternoon stroll found
the dick in the bushes. "Oh sweet Jesus," says Sister Agnes.

"What's wrong?" asks Sister Mary. "You've gone as white as a
sheet."

"It's those dirty protestant bastards," Sister Agnes replies.
"They have murdered Father O'Toole!"

TTTTT

Bear and Rabbit are side by side, shitting in the woods. Bear
looks at Rabbit and asks, "Do you have trouble with shit
sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit says, "No, not at all."

So the Bear picks up the Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

 

[melody]

Fun Things To Do In Church

Put stray dogs in coat closets.

Un-tune the piano.

Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".

Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.

Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"

Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead
concerts.

Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a
dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or
crucified?"

Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.

Start a wave.

Do cool things with the lighting.

Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.

Make up your own words to the songs.

Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say:
"HEY. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.

Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.

Dress all in camo.

Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in
your ear as jewelry If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the
evening service.

If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching
shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.

At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that
you can see an image of Jesus.

Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and
socks.

Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first
mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.

Inflate balloons, then send them off.

Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side
cartoons.

Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in
asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.

Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.

Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.

During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what
you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over
65 million years ago."

Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly
light them.

Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned,
especially Stephen.

Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how
good it is.

When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper
with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.

Blow bubbles.

Fake a possession.

Distribute condoms.

Speak in tongues.

Ask where the nearest ashtray is.

Drool in the collection plate.

Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they
tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.

After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When
someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act
embarrassed.

Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".

At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a
wristwatch embedded inside.

Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"

 

[melody]

A Gay In Love

One of two gays who were living together fell in love with the handsome
young doctor across the street.

"I'd just love to meet him," said one gay to his roommate, "if you have
no objections. But I don't know how to go about it."

"I don't mind, sweets. Have your fling. Just pose as one of his
patients."

So the first one went to the doctor's office the next day and said his
name was Smith.

"What's your problem, Mr Smith?" the doctor asked.

"Oh, Doctor, I have such a terrible pain in my rectum."

"Let's have a look," said the doctor. "Take off your trousers."

The doctor parted his cheeks and looked up inside with a flashlight.

"Holy smoke!" the doctor exclaimed. "No wonder you have pains. Do you
realize that you have one dozen roses up in there?"

"Never mind the roses," the patient said. "Just read the card!"


Whore House Slogans
----------------------------------
1. More Fuck for your Buck!
2. More Honey for your Money!
3. More Gash for your Cash!
4. More Hole for your Pole!
5. More Head for your Bread!
6. More Booty for your Looty!
7. More Strange for your Change!
8. She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!
9. Will suck for a buck!


I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love.

Wife: "Why don't you ever call out my name when we're making love?"
Husband: "Because I don't want to wake you."

 

[melody]

Quickies

1: Q: What defines a truly sensitive guy?
A: He doesn't make his girlfriend blow him after he buttfucks her.

2: Bob: "My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week."
Bill: "Why is that?"
Bob: "I've been screwing his wife."

3: Q: What are the two words every man does NOT want to hear after a blow job?
A: Kiss Me

4: Q: What are the advantages of having an affair with a married woman?.
A:They give like hell.They do not yell. They do not tell. They do not swell and there are no wedding bells!

5: Two guys walking down the street see a male dog licking his tool.
One guy looks at the other and says,"I wish I could do that."
The other replies,"You probably can, just pet him first to make sure he is friendly.

6: Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.
Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.

7: Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.
When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"
=======
There was a young bishop from Trest,
Who openly practiced incest.
"My sisters and nieces,
Are all dandy pieces,
And don't cost a cent," he confessed.

 

[melody]

Medical Breakthrough Medications

Damitol: Take 2 and the rest of the world
Can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that
eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful
they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they
moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full
cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size,
decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls,
is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up
phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be
a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to
shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra,
can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the
victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr.
Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man
who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet
to be used on anyone too eager to share their life
stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More
effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear,
I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the
same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the
wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women
to identify who to cross off the ****** pool.

 

[melody]

Prostitutes

A cowboy arrives in a little town, enters the saloon and screams, "I want a woman, I want a fuck!"
"Welcome." says the owner, "We have Rosy the Red who fucks like three witches for only $30!"
"She's wonderful!" replied the cowboy, "But I don't have that much money!"
"No problem." said the owner, "For $20, Blondie the Blonde sucks your cock out of your underwear!"
"She's real pretty," replied the cowboy, "But I don't have that much money!"
"No problem sir!" said the owner, "For $10 Terry the Terrible will keep your cock in her hand til the mornin!"
"She's nice," replied the cowboy, "But I don't hav......"
"How much fucking money do you have then?" screamed the owner.
"Errrrr," whispered the cowboy, "25 cents!"
"Allright then," gasped the owner, "Go upstairs to room 22!"
The cowboy runs upstairs, opens the door of room 22, and on the bed sees a nice young girl lying with her legs wide open. He jumps on her and begins fucking. After ten minutes he goes downstairs and says to the owner, "I... I think I have a problem!"
"What about?" replied the owner.
"Well," said the cowboy, "You know the young lady in room 22.....I was having fun with her and suddenly she turned her face and threw up a load of white mess!"
"Oh shit!" screamed the owner, "Someone go and change the corpse in room 22, it's full again!"

=====

Two prostitutes were talking about how rough times were.
One said, "You know, times are so bad that I did a trick last night for five measly bucks, just so I had the taxi fare home!"
"Huh," replied the other slag, "I gave away a blowjob last night just to get something warm in my stomach!"

=====

Which is more profitable, a two story or a one story whore house?
A one story because there's no fucking overhead!

What's the difference between a whore and a bowling ball?
You can't fit five fingers in a bowling ball!

What does a prostitute have at the end of her shift?
A box of assorted creams!

What do you get if you cross a prostitute with an elephant?
A whore who fucks you for peanuts and remembers you forever!

What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A hooker will stop fucking you when your dead!

 

[melody]

House Of Ill Repute

One time when I was visiting Toronto I asked a chap where I could find a good house of ill repute. He gave me an address and said to ask for Sally.

I went to the address and requested Sally. She took me to a room, stripped down and said, "Go ahead, but let me know how it is."

After a few minutes I said, "It's not bad but a bit loose."

She said, "Get off for a moment."

I did that and she reached down and fiddled about with her privates.

"Try it now." she said.

I did and found it better but still a bit loose, so I told her so. She repeated her actions and when I tried it again it was perfect.

When we were finished and I was paying her I asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?"

"Well," she said, "I've been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up."


A couple was making love outdoors when suddenly a bee flies into the woman’s vagina. They go to the hospital were the doctor say "mmm, well with both your permission I could put some honey on the tip of my penis and try to lure him out". So the doctor puts some honey on the tip of his penis and starts to gently push it in and out of the vagina. He started pushing harder and harder up until he started ramming his penis up her vagina. The boyfriend said, "What the hell do you think you are doing". "I’ve changed my mind I’m going to drown the bastard"!!!

 

[melody]

Famous Jewish One Liner Comics

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others?
You've probably heard of them before, but don't you miss their humor?

* There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night!
I finally had to let her out.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? "
The man says, "I make a good living."

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time
I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday."
The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?"
The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"

* I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

* A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
Are you light-headed? " my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

* A man and woman had marriage problems and decided to end their union after a very short time together.
In court, the judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to the point where you cannot keep this marriage together?"
The husband replied, "In the six weeks we've been married, we haven't agreed on one thing."
"Seven weeks!" interrupted his wife.

* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

* A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her newboyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.

* Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

* I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.

* Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

 

[melody]

Talented Vagina

Paddy is sitting in a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.

Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick 2 fingers in?"

Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding-you mean it can whistle, too?"
______

Several women were having dinner, ordered Clam Chowder, and they
found a condom in the Chowder.. They unanimously decided to sue
the restaurant for 3 million dollars. When their lawyer asked,
how come they were asking for so much money...the all shouted,
"The damn waiter was still wearing the condom."
________

There was a old man from Leeds
who swallowed a packet of seeds
great tuffs of grass
shot out of his arse
and his cock was covered in weeds.

 

[melody]

Apples

A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign,
"Apples $5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should
Cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples
Are so expensive.
The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly
Apples. Here, try one."
The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the
Peanut butter but not the jelly."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a
Sweet jelly.
The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but
They're $10.00 each."
The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow,
These are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and
A rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.
The farmer says, "N ow, if you really like those, I've got
Some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy
Apples."
The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says,
"YUCK, these taste like shit!"
The farmer says, "Turn it around."


John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked,
"What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law, " John replied,
While shaking his head sadly. "I have
A real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has
Problems with their mother-in-law. "
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

 

[melody]

Two Pedophiles

Two pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came
across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground.
The first one picks them up, smells them and goes:
"Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl".
The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes:
"No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!"
The two of them are then smelling them in turns and arguing:
"An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-
old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" ... and so on.
The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help
but ask them what the commotion is all about.
The first pedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out
the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff,
and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says:
"Definitely an eight-year-old girl!... but not from my parish!"

```

THERE was on old man called Tucker
Who was a randy old fucker.
He’d line up a chick
And pull out his dick,
Then tell the whole world that
he’d fucked her!

 

[melody]

Orphanage For Girls

Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia. One day,
the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave
and seek their way in life.

"You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely
sinful world." she said. "I must warn you that men will take advantage
of you. They'll do anything to get their way. They'll take you to
restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments
and motels where they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you
twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out."

"Excuse me, Mother." one of the girls asked. "You mean men will take
advantage of us and give us cash?"

"Yes child, why do you ask?"

"Because the priests only give us candy!"

```

Q. What's the worst thing about growing unemployment?
A. It gets harder to fuck your girlfriend with her husband home.

Q. What do you call someone who stands six feet two, weighs 150 kilos, is bearded, tattooed and can survive walking into a room full of feminists bellowing, "Which bitch wants the first fuck?"
A. Another feminist.

How can you tell your daughter's being abused at her day-care center?
You hand her a broom and she straddles it.

How can you tell your son's being abused at his day-care center?
He won't use a pacifier unless it's got hair on it.