JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

If God Was A Woman....

1. Sex would smell like chocolate
2. Farts would smell like roses
3. Dogs would smell spring fresh
4. Babies would come from vending machines
5. Men would be born with a permanent erection
6. All women would have the same size breasts
7. There would be no cellulite
8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE
9. Men would be born with an "OFF" switch
10. There would be no "Hooters"
11. A man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife
12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in
Hawaii!
13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle
14. Men would come with software to be custom designed
15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by
wife
16. Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant
verification of truth
17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the
difference between six inches and three inches
18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds
19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the
cheek
20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.

@@@

A very homely young woman made an appointment with the psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can," said the doctor, "Just go over and lie face down on that couch!"

"Doc, you gotta help me!" said the man to his doctor, "I eat apples, and whole apples come out. I eat bananas and whole bananas come out. What can I do?"
"Simple," replied the doc, "Eat Shit!"

 

[melody]

The first year student had just gotten a beat up old
VW beetle from his parents.

He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and
overturned the car directly between the house of Mr.
and Mrs. Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Balls

... luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.

~~~~~~

A person of most any nation
If afflicted with bad constipation,
Can shove a cuirass
Up the crack of his ass,
But it isn't a pleasing sensation.

Leaving the seat down may be sweet,
But it means that I soak the seat,
I would be really great,
If I could pee straight,
But most times I just wet my feet.

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater,
knew a chick, but wouldn't eat her;
met her brother, one fine day,
he sucked his cock,
and now he's gay!!!

~~~~~~

Q: Why do Jewish girls have gold diaphragms?
A: So they can tell their fathers that their boyfriends are cumming into money!

The essence of marketing is about a blow job. Promise a guy a blow job
and you can sell him anything.

Q: Why did God give women multiple orgasms?
A: So they can fucking moan when they're happy, too.

Q: Did you hear about the diner that promotes safe sex?
A: They write the bill on a condom. In that way you can wine and dine your date, and stick her with the bill.

Jack was nimble,but Jack was quick.
So Jill preferred the candlestick!

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Since I've been depressed I've completely lost the urge to masturbate.
I guess I just haven't been feeling myself lately

How does a blonde turn on the air conditioner after sex?
She turns the ignition key.

Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
She woke up with a kernel between her legs.
~~~~~~
A notable gynecologist once said, "The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
"It is only a pity that the management system is so damn temperamental."

 

[melody]

More Filthy Nursery Rhymes

"Mirror Mirror, On the wall,
Who's the sexiest of them all?"
The mirror sighed, and with a grunt
said "Well, it ain't you!, You ugly cunt !"
***
My dick is big, her arse is tight
I poked her anus with delight
but halfway there I hit a bump
the bitch forgot to take a dump
***
Mary had a little sheep,
And with this sheep
She went to sleep.
The sheep turned out
To be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb!
***
Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass,
and grabbed her ass;
And now his two front teeth are missing.
***
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
So Jack could lick Jill's fanny.
Poor Jack's gob
Was filled with knob
'Cos Jill's a fucking tranny.
***
Mary, Mary quite contrairy
Trim that pussy, it's too damn hairy!
***
There was an old lady who lived in a shoe
She had so many kids, she didn't know what to do.
So she started giving head.
***
There was an old lady who lived in a shoe
She had so many kids- her uterus fell out!
***
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jump over the candlestick.
Jack's not so nimbe, and he's not so quick
Now he's in the hospital,with a burnt fucking dick.
***
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his fucking dick.
***
Georgie Porgey
Pudding & Pie...
Whacked off in his girlfriend's eye...
And when that eye was glued and shut...
Georgie fucked that one-eyed slut.
***
Little Boy Blew (sic)....
He needed the money !
***
Little Miss Muffett, sat on a tuffett
eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider, and sat down beside her,
and said " What's in the bowl, bitch !? "
***
Simple Simon
Simple Simon met a Pieman
Going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Pies, you dickhead!"
***
Hickory Dickory Dock
Hickory dickory dock,
Three mice ran up the clock
the clock struck one,
and the others got away with minor injuries
***
Mary
Mary had a little lamb,
It walked into a pylon,
10,000 volts went up it's arse,
And turned it's wool to nylon.

 

[melody]

Early (and not so early) Warning Signs of Insanity

Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately,
and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.

Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places
that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the
bathroom.

You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she
sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to
relieve yourself on it.

You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward
of evil dandruff spirits.

You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
setting fire to his lawn decorations.

Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

You laugh out loud during funerals.

When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
through that scuba mask.

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going
to one day seek revenge.

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with
your little illusion.

You collect dead windowsill flies.

Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got
its wings!"

You like cats. Especially with mayo.

You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you
things.

You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because
they weren't rescued.

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head
in the middle of your front lawn.

Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name
etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another
room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells
you.

Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you
think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."

You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog,
just for a few minutes.

Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulimia.

You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a
koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
pretend that you're a stalk.

You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

 

[melody]

Miscellaneous

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on. "The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again." What was that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night."

&&&&&

The teacher hears Lil Jimmie cussing, so she gets pissed off and goes
bitching to Jimmie's father. She comes to Jimmie's house and notices
Little Jimmie fucking a goat in the yard.

She walks in the house and screams to his father "Your son! Your son! He
cussed in school and now, now he's being carnal with a goat in the
yard!"

"Son of a bitch! Today is my turn!" shouted his father.

&&&&&

What's the difference between a poodle humping
your leg and a pitbull humping your leg?
You let the pit bull finish.

&&&&&

The Cadbury's Candy Co.
and Merck Drug Co.
Have combined to market
the new Mint flavored
birth control pill
that women may take
immediately before sex.
The Pill will be distributed by
the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called....
"Pre-dick-a-mints."

Small Talk

A man spots a nice looking girl in a bar so he goes up and starts small
talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asks her name. "Carmen," she
replies.
"That's a nice name," he says, warming up the conversation, "Who named
you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself," she answers.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she says
looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?"
"Beercunt" he replies.

==============

A Blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her. She goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, and, sure enough,
when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
She becomes extremely angry. She opens her purse and pulls out the gun
to shoot him, but she's suddenly overcome with grief.
She puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend yells "Honey,
don't do it" She replies "Shut up, you're next"

==============

BillyBob and Rusty are walkin' through the drug store.
Rusty turns to BillyBob and asks, "What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?"
BillyBob replied, "I think it's the taste!"
Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.
"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.

==============

"It's my boyfriend" gushes Judi. He was working on the engine under
the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"

"My god" shrieks Carol. Did it amputate his WHOLE finger?"

"No thank goodness" sniffs Judi. But it was the one just next to it!"

==============

Men are like ... newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.

Men are like ... coffee
The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.

Men are like ... computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

 

[melody]

Ode To The Clit

You try so hard to lick me well,
There's something I should really tell,
You're licking all around my mound,
But there's one place where pleasure's found.

It's not that high or down that low,
It's not that fast and not too slow,
Don't waste my time and all that spit,
Just stay your punk ass on my clit!
With your finger or with your tongue,
Stay on that clit till the job is done.
Suck it like a little dick,
The only place that you should lick,

Do not move until I cum,
The other stuff is really dumb.
I'm telling you to help you know,
The clit's the ONLY place to go.

()()()()()

This is a tip for giving head,
You'll be an expert in the bed.

Women want all men to know,
Do it hard and do it slow.
Don't be lazy, this takes a while,
But it will always make her smile!
After she cums then you can Fuck,
And with a little bit of luck,
Your woman will be thrilled in bed,
You've finally learned to give good head!

()()()()()

A kid, around 10 years old, ragged and dirty, is sitting on the
curb. A very shapely young lady passes. The kid calls out,
"Hey miss, miss?"
Lady stops, and he asks, "WIll you give me some
pussy?"
Lady slaps him across the face and walks off, leaving the
little urchin crying. Lady starts to ponder:
Geez, he's only about
10 years old, and probably doesn't know what he's saying.
Lady returns and walks up to the little boy and and says,
"I'm sorry for slapping you"
Between snuffles, he replies,
"That's ok, ma'am"
She decides to take him in the alley and give him some.
Surprisingly the kid had a big dick and knew what he was doing.
After the lady had 2
big orgasms and the kid shot his load, the lady asked,
" Do you ask every lady that question?"
Urchin: Yes Ma'am!
Lady: Then you must get a lot of slaps then.
Urchin: Yes, Ma'am.
But I also get a lot of pussy too!

()()()()()

A man asked his friend, "How's your wife doing?"
The friend said, "Not too well. She hasn't been feeling herself
lately. But it was a damned dirty habit anyway."

Deer Hunter

One Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses
quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs
the gun and goes to the garage to warm up his truck and head
down to his favorite hunting area.

He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain
is really pouring down, It is like a torrential downpour.
There is also some snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind
is blowing 50 MPH. He comes back into the house and turns the
TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad
weather all day long, so minutes later, he puts his truck in
the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There
he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, he whispers, "The weather out there is really
terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe
my stupid ass husband is out hunting in that shit?"
___________________________________

A man wakes up in hospital after a harrowing operation. The
surgeon is standing beside him in the bed. He looks up at
the surgeon - full of dread. Our man says timidly "Well, how
did the operation go?".

To which the surgeon replies "Well, I've got some good news
and some bad news".

"What's the good news?"

"We managed to save your testicles"

Our man breathes a big sigh of relief.

"What's the bad news?"
"They're under your pillow".
___________________________________

There once was a young holy roller,
Had a boy friend attempt to console her.
She'd gone down on his cock,
That was hard as a rock...
Chipped a tooth, plus she knocked out a molar.

 

[melody]

Two Old Ladies

There was this guy who took very good care of his body. He lifted
weights, and jogged six miles everyday. One morning, he looked
in the mirror and admired his body. He noticed that he was sun-tanned
all over, except his penis, which he decided to do something about.

That afternoon he went to the beach, got completely undressed and
buried himself in the sand, except for his penis.

Two old ladies came walking along the beach. Upon seeing the thing
sticking out of the sand, one old lady began to move it around
with her cane, remarking to theother old lady, saying, "You know,
there really is no justice in the world."
The other lady daid, "What do you mean by that?"
The old lady said, "Look at that, when I was 20.
I was courious about it, when I was 30, I enjoyed it, when I was 40, I
asked for it, when I was 50, I paid for it, when I was 60, I prayed for
it, when I was 70, I forgot about it and now that I'm 80,
the damn things are growing wild and I'm to old to squat!"

==============

You are suffering form what is technically known as an Electra
Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient.
"In other words, you are in love with your father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."
"Yes..(snif)...yes, it is," gets out the blonde between sobs.
"I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"

==============

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The
prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of
August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand.
"I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no
reason
for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of
August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

A Blonde

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home
from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for
joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up
and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more?'"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked
her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought
the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!"
=========
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.

The phaonmneel pweor of the hmuan mnid.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearcr at Cmagbride Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers of a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht
the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm.

This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?

Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpelng was ipmorantt!
=========
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is
her first pregnancy.
The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain.
How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and
pregnancy to pregnancy...and besides,
it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"

 

[melody]

Sexual Rhyming Terms That You May Not Know

WANKY PANKY - fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky

THRUSTER BUSTER - a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex,
especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway, or
the shrill voice of an unexpected parent

RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken

BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual
interest

DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts

TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse

PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on
her teeth

FUCKIE SUCKIE - oral sex and sexual intercourse both

STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's
private parts by the male's hands

HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!

COLOR]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

COLOR]

Two little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little
boy says, "My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings."
Then Jimmy, not to be outdone responds, "My Dad can
blow smoke out of his ass."
"Really, have you seen it?" reply the boys.
Little Johnny responds, "No, but I've seen the tobacco stains
in his underwear."

COLOR]

Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper?
A: They're both hunting for dead beaver.

A couple is making out in the movies.
She says, "Harry, I think I just swallowed your gum."
He says, "No, I was just clearing my throat."

Rough Sex Facts

Body: Giving .........head. ...... Massages the jaw....while burning 32
Calories.

Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it
Whitens your teeth

The American Dental Association says that semen cuts plaque better than
Mouth wash, so suck a dick and save a smile.

Having nice sex burns 358 calories.

Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories.

Take off her clothes:
With her consent..... ......... ......... ..12 cal
Without..... ......... ........187 cal

Take off her Bra:
With two hands....... ......... ......... .8 cal
With one hand........ ......... ........12 cal
With mouth....... ......... ......... ....85 cal

Put on Protection:
Hard ............ ......... ..... 6 cal
Soft........ ......... ......... 315 cal

Foreplay:
Looking for target...... ......... ....8 cal
Finding G spot ............ ......... .92 cal
I don't F***ing care........ ......... ....0 c

Entry:
Holding her......... ......... 12 cal
On the floor....... ......... .8 cal

With Different Position:
Missionary.. ......... ......... ......358 cal
Doggy....... ......... ......... ..316 cal
69 lying....... ......... ......... ......286 cal
69 standing.... ......... ......... .......512 cal
Italian hanger...... ......... ......... .912 cal

Orgasm:
Real........ ......... ......... ......112 cal
Faking...... ......... ......... ........315 cal

After "O":
Lying in Bed......... ......... ......... ..18 cal
Hop off the bed......... ......... ......... .36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off......... ..816 cal

Get dressed:
Quiet and calm........ ......... ......... .32 cal
Rushing..... ......... ......... ..98 cal
Heard her boyfriend opening the door........ .....1218 cal
Heard her dad at the door........ .....1942 cal
Her mom walking in.......... ......... ......... ..Priceless! !!LOL

 

[melody]

A guy was visiting Toronto and asked where he could find a good whore house. He was given an address and told to ask for Sally.

He went to the address and requested Sally. She took him to a room, stripped down and said, "Go ahead and put it in, but let me know how it is."

After a few strokes he said, "It's a little bit loose."

She told him to get off for a minute, reached down and fiddled about with her privates. "Try it now." she said.

He entered her again and it was perfect, nice and tight.

After he finished he asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?"

"Easy," she said, "I've been in this business so long that I've developed warts on one side and worm holes on the other. I just button them up."

[:::::]
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn
Though he diddled his best,
And fucked her with zest
She kept asking, "hey Pop, is it in?"

[:::::]
It was a slow afternoon at the pharmacy when
Anthony, the pharmacist, saw a young, buxom
blonde walk into the drugstore. The beautiful
blonde sashayed up to the counter and asked
Anthony, "Do you sell extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replied, "Yes we do. Would you
like to buy some?"

The blonde responds, "No sir, but do you mind
if I wait around here until someone does?"

[:::::]

A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.

The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"

The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
[:::::]
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her fucking husband!"

Marriage Contract For Women

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...
Section 1.
In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes,wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01
And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02
I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
Section 2.
I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
` Section 3.
Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01
I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
Section 3.02
And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4.
After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01
I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
Section 5.
In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01
I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02
I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine month pregnancy.
Section 5.03
I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04
I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...
Section 6.
After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have"ruined me for other men".
Section 6.
I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.
Section 6.01
With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
Signed ____________________________________ (female)

 

[melody]

Annual Physical

70 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came
back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great
physically.
How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your
self and have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get
up in the middle of the night, poof! The light goes on & I go to the
bathroom and then poof!
The light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said,
"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because
I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up
during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then
poof! The light goes off?"
Thelma replied, "Darn fool's been pissing in the fridge again!"
__________________

Blonde Moments!
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"
"Yes, anything" the blonde promised.
With that, the man said, "Follow me" He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door" She did.
He then said, "Get on your knees" She did.
Then he said, "Take down my zipper" She did.
He said, "Go ahead...take it out" She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly
__________________

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend
says, OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
...The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."


Little Known Sexual Facts

(**) Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any group of
mammals that exist- especially fruit bats.

(**) Lions will have sex about 500 times with one mate. This is to
ensure fertilization.

(**) In Texas it is illegal to have sex with a fish, in Florida it is
illegal to get a fish drunk, and N. Carolina thought both laws were good
so there it is illegal to have sex with a drunk fish.

(**) Dolphins and humans are the only known animals that have sex for
pleasure.

(**) The bonobo monkeys use sex (and/or sexual favors) to placate
members of their social group instead of grooming. They are one of the
few species of animals (humans being another) that have sex out of
season and for fun.

(**) Sperm Whales are sexually mature at birth.

(**) In Argentina, it is rumored that eating cats is good for your
health and stimulates sexual potency.

(**) You can tell a turtle's sex by its sound. Males grunt, females
hiss.

(**) Human birth control pills work on gorillas.

(**) The eagle has sex while going up to 60 mph. in flight, and it is
common for both eagles to hit the ground before they finish.

(**) Apart from humans, certain species of chimpanzee are the only
animals to experiment sexually. They have been known to 'wife swap' and
indulge in group sex.

(**) According to Dr. David Gems, a British geneticist, sex-craved male
mice, who spend 5 to 11 hours per day pursuing female mice, could live
years longer if they abstained.

(**) In the past 60 years, the groundhog has only predicted the weather
correctly 28% of the time. The rushing back and forth from burrows is
believed to indicate sexual activity, not shadow seeking.

(**) A certain musical note can sexually excite cats -- the same note
when played for kittens makes them want to go to the bathroom.

(**) If disconnected, the sex organs (or gonads) of an armadillo are
still active.

(**) The ten-inch Banana Slugs of the Northwest end their 30 hour
hermaphroditic mating session by chewing off each other's male sex
organs.

(**) Mosquitoes perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds.

(**) The largest living animal, the blue whale, naturally enough also
has the largest penis, measuring approximately 10 feet long and 1 foot
in diameter. It's cousin, the sperm whale, gets as big as 9 feet. And
yes, the sperm whale is so named because early sailors thought those
gallons of white, gooey oil found in its head was indeed sperm.

(**) Long a symbol of sexual potency, the rhinoceros can ejaculate ten
times or more during his half hour session with a female. They also have
penises that are 2 feet long.

(**) Though barnacles can't move, they still mate via an extraordinarily
long penis (150% their body length) that reaches over and into the
female's mantle cavity.

(**) Female chimpanzees have been observed masturbating with their
fingers, twigs and a water faucet.

(**) A drone honeybee will wait his whole life for one chance to mate
with a queen. As soon as the queen opens her sting chamber to receive
him, he explodes, his genitals bursting forth like a detonating grenade.
Plugged, the queen flies away, leaving the drone to fall to the ground
dead and eviscerated, albeit with a smile on his face.

(**) Fleas are known to engage in sex immediately after feasting on
rabbit's blood specifically if the opportunity presents itself.

(**) Gorilla penises are only a third of that of an average man's.

(**) Humans aren't the only female animals that can experience orgasm;
some rabbits and ferrets do as well.

(**) A whale's penis is called a dork, which incidentally, is where we
get the derogatory slang.

(**) Porpoises have been known to engage in group sex.

(**) Pigs do indeed have a corkscrew-shaped penis. When engaged in sex,
the male's penis will make semi-rotary actions until it becomes firmly
secured in the folds of the female's cervix at which point the male
ejaculates, a process which in itself takes as long as 30 minutes.

(**) Female baboons have been known to engage in a primitive form of
prostitution by stealing food during sex.

(**) The average mink sexual encounter lasts for several hours (how do
you think they get their coats so shiny?)

(**) 22.75 hours is the current record for the longest rattlesnake
mating session.

(**) The female bedbug is born without any external sex organs. So the
male bedbug has to drill his pointed penis to drill a hole into her
partner's gut and deposit his sperm into her bloodstream. During long
spells without access to human blood, the female's been known to dine on
her male partner's semen.

(**) Capuchin monkeys usually say hello by showing each other their
erections.

(**) Perhaps the originator of the "quickie," a baboon engages in a
typical sex session that lasts all of 15 seconds.

 

[melody]

Men Are Something Else!!

Bill and his friend Ted were sitting in the pub talking about the funny faces they had seen their wives make from time to time.
Bill started of by saying, "One day, I'd accidentally pissed on the floor, and my wife went nuts, her face looked like a bullfrog being fucked. I still laugh when I think about it!"
"That's nothing," said Ted, "This afternoon, I was sitting down watching the TV, when my wife came in and said, "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FIX THE GODDAM SINK?' so I went over to the gun rack, pulled out my shotgun, took aim at her head and pulled the trigger!"
Bill's face started to turn green, and he said, "That's not funny!"
Ted started laughing, and said, "But you didn't see the look on the bitch's face when it was sliding down the wall!"

lklklk

Three guys were sitting in a pub with hangovers from the night before.
The first guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning with my pajamas over my clothes!"
The second guy says, "That's nothing, I was so drunk last night I had sex with a woman who I don't even know, and my wife walked in, and I didn't even care!"
The third guy says, "You think that's bad, I was blowing spew all night!"
"That's not too bad!" said the other two.
"No, no, you don't understand," said the third guy, "Spew is the name of my dog!"

lklklk

A guy is hanging around the house one day when the phone rang.
"Hi, this is Cindy, remember me?" said the voice on the phone.
"Uhhh, no." replied the guy.
"You took me home after the Christmas party, and you said I was a good sport!" she said.
"Oh yeah, how are you doing?" he said.
"Not so good." She told him, "I just found out that I am pregnant and I have decided to kill myself!"
"Hey, you really are a good sport!" said the man.


An Elderly Couple

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss
me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said :"Then
you used to bite my neck" Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and
got out of bed.
"Where are you going ?"she asked. "To get my teeth.

@@@

Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one
named No Cum. No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No Cum Tu.

For velly oblious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen.

One day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and
spent the night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No Cum Tu
came, too. This make both velly happy.

However, about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum see he about to become
father but he not know how come, so when baby come he named it How Cum
U Cum.
Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day

No Cum not know how How Cum U Cum came!


Redneck Sayings

1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

2. "It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch."

3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

4. "Have a cup of coffee, it’s already been ‘saucered and blowed.’"

5. "She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm."

6. "It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

7. "My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull."

8. "Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining."

9. "He’s as country as cornflakes."

10. "This is gooder’n grits."

 

[melody]

The Lounge Lizard

There's something about being on his stomach that makes everything your
man feels much more intense. Perhaps it's the increased blood flow caused by gravity.

~Here's What You Need ~
One webbed patio lounge chair
Two pillows
One roll of masking tape

~ Here's How You Do It ~
Adjust the back of the lounge chair so that it lays flat (if it won't go down all the way,
don't worry about it; we'll fix that in a second).
Place the pillows directly under the chair, lengthwise.
Pull the center-most straps apart and, using the masking tape, affix them to the
next-closest straps. This creates an opening in the chair about four or five inches wide.
Get your man naked. Have him lie in the chair on his stomach. If the chair is flat,
he can lie with his head in either direction. If the back of the chair is still at a bit
of an angle, have him lie with his head at the other end (his knees can easily
bend where the back of the chair starts to rise and his feet will rest where
one's head would normally go).
Your man's penis should now be dangling through the opening.
Get under the chair and lie on your back on top of the pillows. Position your mouth
directly under your man's penis. Grip the outermost edges of the chair and
pull yourself up and pleasure your man orally.

___________

Sheri and Rosey were were talking about the new hottie in the neighborhood.
But he acts so stupid said Sheri.
I think he must have his brains between his legs.
Yeah, sighed Rosey, but I'd sure love to blow his mind.

__________

After a full day of constant arguing over the smallest things,
Adrian suggested to Paula that they call a truce ~
No more bickering for 48 hours.
"It's Saturday at four o'clock," Adrian said.
"No more bitching at each other until the same time on Monday."

"Okay, I think that can work" Paula said. "I'll talk to you then!"

________________


Most men's erections are five and a half to six inches long.
Although men's penis sizes tend to vary greatly when they're soft,
the smaller ones expand more when erect than the larger ones

70 percent of married men and women stimulate themselves

Researchers claim that 9% of college students have engaged in a golden shower

Erotic asphyxiation is said to cause over 1,000 deaths each year

Most men thrust 60-120 times during intercourse

3% of adult Americans have never had sex

About 1% of the adult female population are able to
achieve orgasm solely through breast stimulation


Internet Addict

There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.

You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"

Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html

Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)

You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.

Your best friend is someone you've never met.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

Your dog has its own home page.

So does your gold fish.


Internet Withdrawal
These days we are all some what caught in an "Internet lifestyle", so here are some things you can do in the horrific event your computer goes down...

1. Dial 911 immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean there's something else to do?

4. Threaten your server with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

8. See if your eyes can still focus to distances further than 3 feet.

9. Get ass groove in chair fixed at store.

10. Tylenol... Tylenol! Where the hell is the Tylenol!

11. Do shopping with clothes on.

12. Check your mail box every 15 minutes.

 

[melody]

Rabbit Hunting

Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting , but when he gets to his favorite field he sees the village priest is already there.

Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out.

The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack. He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits.

Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.

"Easy,"says the priest."Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole.They can't resist the smell, so when they come out,grab them."

Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor.He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed.

Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?""
_________

Outside a Church in Boston a young boy is weeping, and an old lady approaches him and says, "What's wrong, honey?"

The little boy replies between sobs, "My Grandma passed away this morning."

"I'm so sorry to hear this," says the kind old lady. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley?"

"No," replies the boy. "Sex is the last thing I have in mind."
_________

There was an old man called Reg
Who decided to trim his hedge
He'd had a few beers
Slipped with his shears
And cut off his meat and two veg

Personal Mottos

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

Do I look like a fucking people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

And just how may I fuck you over today?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

One of us is thinking about sex...
OK, it's me.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

You look like shit. Is that the style now?

Earth is full. Go home.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out all I wanted was paychecks.

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
-----------

There was a young nudist from Denver
Who had an unusual member;
It was stiff as Jello
When the weather was mellow.
But a popsicle every December!
**
There once was a girl they called Trish
Who was quite a delectable dish
Men savored her lips
Then brought bags of chips
For her pussy smelt strongly of fish

 

[melody]

A Problem With My Cock

Darrell walks into his doctor's office and the receptionist
gives him a form to fill out and asks him what his problem is.

Darrell replied, I've got something wrong with my cock."

"Please watch your language!" scolds the receptionist.
"There are women and children in the waiting room."

Darrell leaves the office, only to return a few minutes later
and said to the receptionist, "I've got a problem with my ear."

"Now that's much better," says the receptionist. "What
wrong with your ear?"

"I can't piss out of it!"
=====

Ya know, if guys had a period,
they'd probably brag about the size of their tampons...
=====

A blonde went to her doctor and said,
"You prescribed birth control pills for me."
"And how is it going?" he asked.
"Okay, I think, but I'd like to have them bigger."
The doctor was surprised. "You mean stronger?"
"No, bigger, please"
"But why BIGGER?"
"Because they keep falling out."
=====

Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aisles
of a supermarket crying his eyes out.

"What's the matter fella?" asked a stock boy.

"I've lost my mommy!" wailed Little Johnny.

"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothed the stock boy.

"Now tell me, what's mommy like?"

"Bourbon and men with big, hard cocks,"
sobbed Little Johnny.

The Sponge

A woman took her young son with her into the shower for the first time. Naturally, he wanted to know why she didn't have a dick, and what the fuzzy thing she had instead was.

"Oh, that's my sponge." she replied with embarrassment. To save her from any more red faces, she made sure he only saw her when she was wearing panties. "Mummy, where's your sponge?" the kid asked one day. "Oh, I've lost it." she lied. A few months later she was washing up when the kid came running in, all excited. "Mummy, Mummy, I've found your sponge. You know the sponge you lost." The kid squealed. "The lady next door is wiping Daddy's face with it!"

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

MASTURBATION ... A solo played on a private organ.

Platonic Relationship:
What develops after two good friends are tired of fucking each other.

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man
noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's
toes would rise. Later that night, while going at it pretty
hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still.

Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your
toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"

"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor. "Doctor I think I have the crabs." "When was the last time you had sex?" The doctor asks. "I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin." she replied. The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her. After the examination he said, "I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you don't have the crabs. The
bad news is you've got fruit flies. Your cherry rotted."

«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»§«¤»

The new husband and his bride were in bed, when the husband says, "Honey, anytime you wake up and want to have sex, you don't have to say a word, just reach over and pull my dick a couple of times," "And if I don't want sex?"
"Pull on it forty or fifty times," the husband said.

 

[melody]

Leaning In His Chair

An old bloke in the nursing home couldn't talk. One day, while he was sitting in a chair,
a nurse walked by and noticed that he was leaning to the right. She sat him upright in his
chair and told him to sit still. A while later, the nurse came by again, and this time she
noticed that he was leaning to the left. She straightened him up and told him again to
sit still, or else he might fall out of his chair. The next time she made her rounds, she saw
the old guy leaning forward, about to topple headfirst to the floor, so she tied him into
the chair for his own good.
Later on in the day, his daughter came to visit, and seeing her father strapped into his
chair, asked him what was wrong. The old bloke handed her a note, which she unfolded
and read.
It said, "They won't let me fart."
==========
A little girl was licking a lollipop at a hairdressers and drops it into a heap of cut hair lying
on the floor, the hairdresser says to her: Oh, "have you got hair on your lollipop"?
"No", answers the little girl, "I'm only three."
==========
A little boy asked his mother, "Mummy, am I descended from
a monkey?"
The mother replied, "I don't know, son, I never met your father's
folks."
==========
THERE are three stages on sex in every relationship, and here they are":
Anywhere sex - when you first meet you do it anywhere.
Bedroom sex - After the kids are asleep you have it in the bedroom.
Hallway sex - You pass each other in the hall and say, "Fuck you!"

Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

*Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street. j)
I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.


There was a young fellow named Keith,
who liked to be fondled beneath.
When she used her lips,
He wiggled his hips,
But not when the bitch used her teeth.
____________________________

There was a young lady named Hicks
Who delighted to play with men's pricks,
Which she would embellish
With evident relish,
And make them stand up and do tricks.

 

[melody]

Cruising Down The Highway

A young couple was out cruising one evening.
While driving down the highway, the guy says to the girl,
"I know you love going fast!
"If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off all your clothes?"
"Yes!" she agrees and he begins to speed up.
When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip.
When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives
off the road and flips the car over. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch
but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.
"Go get help," he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says,
"Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas station down the road."
She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs,
and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and
yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks
down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with astonishment,
"I think it's too late . . . he's too far in!"

__________


Q: What's the main difference between mayonnaise and semen?
A: Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles per hour.

Q: Did you hear the one about the homosexual ghosts?
A: They gave each other the willies.

Daffyniton - Jell-O: Kool-Aid with a hardon

Q: How can you get a faggot to fuck a female?
A: Fill up her cunt with shit.

Husband to wife: "When you die, I'm going to inscribe your tombstone: 'Here lies my wife...Cold as usual.'"
Wife to husband: "When you die, I'm going to inscribe your tombstone: 'Here lies my husband...Stiff at last.'"

Q: How does a man manage to keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs, and diamonds.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Daffynition - Mistress: something in between a mister and a mattress.

Q: How can you tell if it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look in your pants. If you have a dick, it's not time.

Q: At what point does a priest need a prescription for viagra?
A: When his altar boy class exceeds 10 members.

> Funny Sexual Positions

All The Sexual Positions That You Can Try With Your Special Someone Tonight!

> Tea Bag: As you are sitting on a girl's face, repeatedly dip your scrotum in and out of her mouth
>
> Pancaking: After you have preformed the teabag, you sit and flop your nuts on and as far across the girl's face as possible. A.K.A. Ball sacking
>
> Angry Dragon: Immediately after you blow your load in a girls mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.
>
> Shocker: When fingering a girl with two fingers, very suddenly and without her knowing, bend your ring finger down to touch your thumb, and while the two fingers are still in her pussy, stick your pinky up her ass. Two in the pink, one in the stink.
>
> Smurf: Smurffing is when the guy takes his dick and flogs it onto the side of the girl's face.
>
> Dog In The Bathtub: You attempt to insert your cock and nuts into a girl's ass. Now, which is harder; getting the dog in the bath, or keeping the dog in?
>
> Dirty Sanchez: A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into her asshole. You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin shit mustache. Take that you dirty Mexican.
>
> Houdini: Wanna be a magician? First off start ramming the bitch from behind. When you are about to cum, announce that you're cumming. Pull out and hock a loogie on her back, and when she turns around to look at you, bust a nut right on her face.
>
> Bucking Bronco: You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. When she tries to get you off, see how long you can stay on this bucking bronco.
>
> The Donkey Punch: Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, you stick your dick in her ass, and then punch her in the back of the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the female's ass, which will constrict and needless to say will make you cream everywhere.
>
> One Eyed Pirate: Blow your load in one of the bitch's eyes. While she tries to wipe it off, kick her in the shin. The desired effect is to get her hopping on one leg while holding the other, and covering one of her eyes with her free hand. She may even say "Argh!"
>
> Popcorn Surprise: Not really a sex position, but something really funny to do. First when you and your bitch are at a movie theatre, tell her that you will buy the popcorn while she holds the seats. When you buy the popcorn, cut a hole in the bottom, so when you sit down you can carefully maneuver your schlong into the hole. When she reaches in for a handful or two, she will get a nice surprise. Everyone likes buttered popcorn.
>
> Flaming Pele: This is funny as shit. You start plugging the girl from behind. You reach around with a lighter and light her bush on fire and you kick her off the bed. Flaming Pele.
>
> Flying Camel: As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees. You very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still in her cunt. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like a flying camel. Strictly a classy move.
>
> Pearl Necklace: Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl. Give her some nice jewelry. Fuck that diamonds are forever shit.

 

[melody]

Kids on love

Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening, thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other." (Judy, 8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tommy, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE:

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long to learn." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." (David, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' are on TV." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE ?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, "I LOVE YOU":

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:

"You learn it right on the spot, when the 'gooshy' feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love." (Roger,8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out."

(Randy, 8)

 

[melody]

More Pick-Up Lines:

Lets play Titanic, when I say iceberg, you go down.

You must be high jumper, because you make my bar rise.

Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.

If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?

Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you wearing a bra?

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?

You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself in your pants.

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?

If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up.

I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?

Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?

Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO." Can I?

Playing doctor is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist.

If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.

Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? Well then, allow me to introduce myself.

The word for the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the word.

Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a piece of Irish in you?

The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.

Hi, my name is Curt. Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it later on tonight.

I'm new in town, could you give the directions to your apartment.

I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!

That's a nice smile, its just too bad that's not the only thing you're wearing.

All those curves, and me with no brakes.
=======
The Polack left his drinking buddy at the bar and
headed home early, explaining he had to get up early
the next day. The buddy was surprised to see the
Polack come back in just fifteen minutes, order another
drink and sit down next to him.
"What's up?" the buddy asked.
"When I got home early I found my wife in bed
fucking another guy," the Polack explained.
"Aren't you furious?" the friend asked.
"No, there's no problem. She promised she'd
change the sheets afterwards."

Biggest Pussy In The World

Here's the Biggest or Largest Pussy in the World

The biggest pussy or vagina in the world belongs to Hanna Montesman from Holland. She was measured last in November 2008 by the World Sex Records Association.

Her pussy is 16 inches long and supposedly 20 inches wide. There was no contest to decide which woman had the biggest pussy in the world. The Sex World Records official refused to comment on how they learnt about Hanna's big pussy.

However, they gave us a photo of the World's biggest pussy or vagina and you can clearly see why she won the biggest pussy or largest vagina in the world title. Our sources tell us that this information was given to the Association by her boyfriend.

And you thought all vaginas were the same in size for most women.

I hope you enjoyed learning about the biggest and largest Pussy in the world. When we tried to find out which is the biggest Pussy in the world we found this information. The information above on the biggest Pussy in the world is gathered from various world record resources. So, the biggest or largest world record holder may change.

@@@

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position. " For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. " Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second... " she
continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."

 

[melody]

Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
31. I'm so sorry.
32. Who circumcised you?
33. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
34. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
35. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
36. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
37. Let me go get my tweezers.
38. Let me know when you're done.
39. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

Q: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A: He worked it out with a pencil.

Q: Did you hear about the constipated jitterbug?
A: He couldn't jit.

Q: Well, did you hear about the constipated accountant?
A: He couldn't budget.

Newlyweds

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together,
doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel
when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one
from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door,
exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of
him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared,
and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his
anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's
what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?
-------------------
==========
A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The
husband sighs and says, "I'm disappointed! It was all over in
four minutes." The wife replies, "Good! now you know how I feel."

Did you hear about the blonde who got the toy poodle for her birthday?
Well she killed it trying to shove batteries up its ass.

How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A LIGHTBULB?
The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART?
The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: What's red, black and blue and lies in the gutter?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes
Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.
Q: What is the difference between Love, True Love and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow and gargle.
Q: What's Rodeo Sex?
A: It's where you fuck her doggie style, with a tit in each hand, and whisper
….in her ear: "Your sister likes it this way, too."

 

[melody]

A Bicycle For His Birthday

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy
him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house,
and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said,
"Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that ..
Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house
with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him,
and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you
say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait
because she was coming too,
and I'll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!"
=====
You might be a redneck if your grandmother calls you in the bathroom
and says.. " Hey Y'all Come look at this before I FLUSH!!"
=====
Young Jimmy was making confession when he
told the priest that he was having impure thoughts
about his sister.
"Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes Jimmy, indeed
it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."
=====
Learn Chinese in 2 minutes ...
(Please read definitions aloud for optimal memory retention)
1) That's not right ...................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive....... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP........................ ..Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ............................ Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse ....................... .... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?........... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table.......Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift........ Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ............. Wao So Dim
10)I thought you were on a diet....Wai Yu Mun Ching

****** BY NATIONALITY

A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes
spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists
on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate
the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She
gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets
lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.

CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing
happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner
but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date as you have
already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a
real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

LATIN WOMAN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her
drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's
boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in
the Bronx.